Nothing better to start a day than a good poop. Makes my day and improves productivity EDIT: Oops, this was supposed to be tagged "Senate". Sorry to mislead you!
Just finished having a great poop. Decent sized, non smelly and beautiful brown color. I need more of this in my life.
See... Once upon a time, there was this warlock called Malkieth, and he was leading a Crusade to eradicate the Knights of Zar-Kasm from the lands of the Kingdom of Jayceece. So the Knights had a Council to see what they could do to strike back against the warlock, and a Knight whose name has been lost to the night of times whispered: "...poop"
I've had so many spectacular dumps these last couple of weeks. I was dismayed by the lack of a place to tell you all about them. I LOVE this thread title, btw.
I think this is my new favorite poop story. It may even replace Kyle's. DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS. Don't even ****ing say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat. I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the ****. The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont ****ing tell you... Except in tiny print you cant read without a ****ing electron microscope ...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease." Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding. So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow. Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just **** myself. But this evil olean makes ****ting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the ****?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then? So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You ****ing Pringle bastards. I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff. The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ****ing roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So. I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean. That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so ****ing foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage. So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work. You ****ing Pringle bastards. The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the ****ing grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that **** again. ****ing Pringle bastards.
I'm so sad I didn't find this thread earlier. Great title! But alas, my poo has been very unremarkable of late.
That was horrifyingly delightful...especially because I made bacon burger patties the other day and the fat left my hands coated in a similar grease that required HOT water to rinse off. Next time I make burger patties I'll be thinking about that. Awesome.
I have had terrible constipation for the past few days. I started training for my marathon again after a few weeks off because of an injury. I had pooped properly since Saturday night. Lo and behold, my stomach woke me up at 7:30 this morning and I unleashed the assdemon on my toilet bowl. It was delightful.
Apparently I made and ate a bad salad last night. It wasn't pretty... not at all. I didn't know so much liquid could come from that end.
I got up at 2:00 am and ate leftover split pea soup. This morning was the fartiest morning I've had in forever. The first ones caused my girlfriend to giggle (I'm told) and then they made her leave the room. Eventually one of the louder ones woke me up. It was awesome.
Harpuah, thanks for the warning. I will never eat Fat Free pringles potato chips. I will learn by your awful experiance.
