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Author	Topic: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
JangoMike Registered: Jan '03	Date Posted: 1/14/04 12:15pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Those were her words, actually. Ok either way, she lost her integrity and loosing your integrity is like loosing your virginity, once you loose it you can never get it back. Its your decision and I hope my words of wisdom helped. Let me know how things turns out dude! -----signature----- PROUD MEMBER OF ~~The Johnny Depp Fan Club of the JCC~~ PoopReport.com - Your #1 source for your #2 business <=== Thats what I call a nose.
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Vader666 Registered: Mar '03	Date Posted: 1/14/04 12:37pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Lordmaul13 Thats the problem with forming online relationships. The best thing to do now is just move on. Forget her. Plus I'd be rather suspicious of girls who have trouble with their parents. Anyhow, as space-man said there are millions of girls around. Don't center your thoughts on one. And I'd suggest that in future you try to form more "realistic" relationships. This means that you are actually close to walking distance with your partner. Also try not to resort to online relationships. The problem with that is you are unable to know what they look like or their personality type. I think this was a good lesson on your part that online relationships are pretty lame. If you do wish to "risk" this poor act again, it's better that next time you do not form an emotional attachment with your partner until you actually meet her. That way you don't have to mourn over your loss. You come prepared for any disappoints. Oh well thats all I've got to say. Cheers. -----signature----- One day men will look back and say that I gave birth to the 21'st century
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lordmaul13 Registered: Oct '00	Date Posted: 1/14/04 2:36pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	JangoMike Let me know how things turns out dude! I'm not going to make a rush decision, I'll give it a week or so. But I'll let you know. Vader666 Plus I'd be rather suspicious of girls who have trouble with their parents. I asked about that but she didn't want to talk about it. I still don't know what that was all about. This means that you are actually close to walking distance with your partner. That's what p***s me off. I didn't start this whole thing (and never would have because of the distance between us), she did. I guess she finished it too. The problem with that is you are unable to know what they look like or their personality type.* You're right about not knowing personalities online but it's a simple matter to email a picture. And, just FYI, I think I got a pretty good idea of her personality from talking with her on the phone. lordmaul13 -----signature----- tatooinewizard's partner in crime I can dream now, Joey. Oh, you wouldn't believe what I can dream of now. Hellraiser III Better Days Than These http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=27626554&brd=10475&start=27629823
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UluUlix Registered: Feb '03	Date Posted: 1/14/04 2:49pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Spaceman: Thank you for your input. I really like both girls but right now I look as Dawn as a friend. Would I really like there to be more-sure. It's hard to find someone my age that does not have kids and has the same interests as I do. So, do I just play cool with Dawn and let things just work out as fate would allow them? -----signature----- "Drawn into the mistakes of the Republic, the Jedi had been. Allowed the dark side to take root. Allowed arrogance to infect the Order. A priority, holding on to power had become. Inflated by their own conquests, the Jedi became." Master Yoda
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Space_Man Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 1/14/04 3:13pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large - Date Edited: 1/14/04 3:16pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Space_Man
	lordmaul13: To my mind, womberty was really trying to get to the core of the issue here with the question: Was the plan to meet somehow linked to starting up a more serious relationship? You are feeling hurt, but I would ask why/how are you feeling hurt? Was there an expectation that you and she were going to pursue a more serious/intimate relationship, or were you only ever planning to meet as an end of and in itself? The fact that you are labeling the relationship as a "friendship" tells me that that's the context we need to look at it in: is what she did a major blow to the friendship between you, or did she just kinda shatter your expectations of maybe having something more? To my thinking, you can never have too many friends, and if you can get to the heart of WHY you're feeling "hurt" in the first place, then maybe you can deal with that on your own, and otherwise keep this person as a friend, or at least a "friendly acquaintance." Who knows -- maybe you'll end-up marrying this girl some day, and this whole incident will be a source of amusement to you both. Or maybe you will meet someone who lives a mile away from you a month from now, and you will eventually forget all about this girl. But I still say deal with her as a "friend" for now. Do you dump your friends when they do stupid, inconsiderate things that end up hurting you...or do you forgive them, and forge ahead? EDIT: UluUlix: To me, you sound hesitant about pursuing a more romantic/intimate relationship with "Dawn." How come? How do you feel about her -- can you picture the two of you in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship? -----signature----- Seek first to understand...and then to be understood. ~ Stephen R Covey
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womberty Registered: Jan '02	Date Posted: 1/14/04 3:55pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Ok either way, she lost her integrity and loosing your integrity is like loosing your virginity, once you loose it you can never get it back. I think in the realm of online relationships, however, integrity is hard to come by in the first place. Now, there is an issue here that the two probably spent some time building up trust between them, but it sounds to me as though she probably never completely trusted him - because, from all the horror stories and jokes passed around about internet hookups, we all have reason to be wary about our online friends we've never met in real life. It's possible she didn't get to trust you enough to be able to trust her feelings about you, so when someone came along offline, perhaps her feelings for them felt more "real." I'd say it's almost a natural thing for her to feel, although that doesn't excuse her not being upfront with you about her situation. The best thing to do now is just move on. Forget her. As a romantic interest, for now, yes. But as a friend - that's a call you have to make, based on what kind of connection you still feel you have with her. Plus I'd be rather suspicious of girls who have trouble with their parents. That can put additional strain on a relationship, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person, or the wrong kind of person to have as a friend. I asked about that but she didn't want to talk about it. I still don't know what that was all about. I think that's sort of an indicator of her level of trust, or the closeness she feels to you right now. I'm not going to make a rush decision, I'll give it a week or so. But I'll let you know. That's the best. And, don't let me make you think you have to keep her as a friend - you have every right to drop her from your life entirely, just as she had a right to make decisions about her own life. It comes down to what you want, and whether you feel a friendship is still viable in spite of what's happened. UluUlix: To me, you sound hesitant about pursuing a more romantic/intimate relationship with "Dawn." How come? Sounds to me like the major complication is the fact that he's currently dating someone else. My advice: you may feel an obligation to your current girlfriend, and that may be why you feel you shouldn't consider a relationship with another girl. However, I think the only real obligation you have is to be honest with the person you're dating - if you're frustrated or unhappy, you should let her know now, rather than risk wasting more of your time and hers in an increasingly miserable relationship. Once you bring up your concerns, the two of you can try to address them together, or ultimately decide to go your separate ways if it isn't meant to be. Just be honest with your girlfriend, and don't start up anything with anyone else until you've settled everything. If it's about your dissatisfaction, hopefully, she can understand, but one of the worst things you can do is invoke her jealousy by seeing another girl on the side.
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Space_Man Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 1/14/04 4:11pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	womberty: Sounds to me like the major complication is the fact that he's currently dating someone else. Oops -- I interpreted the relationship as being pretty low key; just two friends going out for a movie on Friday nights, and not much else...but you raise a good point! Can you clarify this for us, UluUlix? Otherwise, I offer my apologies for just glossing over the current relationship with "Mariah," and I back womberty's advice 100%. -----signature----- Seek first to understand...and then to be understood. ~ Stephen R Covey
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CUBIE_HOLE Registered: Jun '01	Date Posted: 1/14/04 4:46pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	UluUlix, she might have something for you, but the best to for you to find out is to do something with her. You might want to do some of those things with her that you mentioned. I say might, because what about Mariah? Regardless of whether or not you're seriously or casually dating her, it's probably time to let go of that. It seems to matter to you that she doesn't like SW and LOTR, which if that's how you feel, then okay. More importantly though, you're giving the impression that you might like the idea of this Dawn girl being interested in you. Again, what about Mariah, or why? Why invest time and energy in her if you're willing to jump at some other opportunity, like this Dawn, that presents itself? It would probably be better for the both of you if you just called it quits. That is, if you're looking for something serious/long term. lordmaul13, there's something that just doesn't seem right there. Personally, when I read your post, it made me think that you might have been talking to a guy portraying themselves as a girl, or something to that effect. Since you did talk to her on the phone, it would seem that it's at least not a guy, but maybe just someone messing with you, but whatever, saying this person is shady is a major understatement. I would say burn that bridge, and that goes even if everything is legit about this person. However, I don't think everything is legit in this situation, but that's only with regards to this person and not you. If this person isn't a wolf in sheep's clothing, why would you still won't to be friends with them? I mean really, with some of those things that happened(?), the only thing you can expect by remaining friends with this person is to have your enemies come across a lot nicer and better. -----signature----- Do unto others, then run like hell. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
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FlamingSword Registered: Jun '01	Date Posted: 1/14/04 5:48pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Hey everyone. I'm just popping in. Seems like you guys are as active as ever. Maybe we need to have a "Thong-Day" here on the JC, Yes, I'd love to know what it's like to wear a thong. I could just go buy one I suppose. Ta-ta! I'll be back more in March once I graduate.
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Sleezy Registered: Nov '02	Date Posted: 1/14/04 6:40pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large - Date Edited: 1/14/04 6:43pm (2 edits total) Edited By: Sleezy
	lordmaul, I've got some thoughts: It looks like this girl had a problem with getting away from her parents to meet, and thus had to come clean to them about the whole thing. That most likely prompted a long conversation between them about the situation, and a probably decision that meeting you was not best (for typical Internet safety reasons and all, and nothing personal). Meanwhile, she was most likely "mingling" with other guys who live near her already (while still emotionally bound to you), and when she realized she couldn't meet you, she found a guy she did know. I could be dead on, or dead wrong, or somewhere in between; but when I read the signs, that's what I see. I don't know if you mentioned her age, but I imagine I could guess anyway (not that it's really all that important). You have to remember that girls are insecure all the time, for all kinds of reasons, and relationships like these are tense already (ie. fear of the unknown, and all that) without all the added insecurity. Anyway, stuff like that hurts (and yes, hurts guys too - some girls I know think guys can just take anything, like rejection). Even though you never met her, you honestly connected with her personality emotionally (assuming her personality online was true, which is seldom found on the Internet). Take solace in the fact, however, that even if you had met her, a long-distance relationship would have still been difficult to carry out. Burn that bridge and never, ever look back or stay friends?....I don't have many friends and I hate to lose one so it would be good to remain friends but it'll also never be the same between us. At least on my part. I think you answered your own question. No matter how many friends you have, your best friends are the ones who matter. I mean, I would rather have one good friend than twenty bad ones. And that's not saying this girl would be a bad friend, but if it wouldn't be the same for you (meaning: as good as it was), then it wouldn't be a fulfilling friendship at all. There would always be something between you, if you feel that way, and that's perfectly fine. Sometimes you have to be selfish, and make decisions about what you really want. Good luck with everything. -----signature----- Magneto was right. A dyslexic walked into a bra... What IS meatball?
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lordmaul13 Registered: Oct '00	Date Posted: 1/14/04 9:17pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Space_Man The fact that you are labeling the relationship as a "friendship" tells me that that's the context we need to look at it in: is what she did a major blow to the friendship between you, or did she just kinda shatter your expectations of maybe having something more? If I had "expectations of having something more" it's because that's what was said and in as many words. womberty It's possible she didn't get to trust you enough to be able to trust her feelings about you, so when someone came along offline, perhaps her feelings for them felt more "real." That makes sense to me. I think that's sort of an indicator of her level of trust, or the closeness she feels to you right now. That might be but, as far as I'm concerned, there are some things I would never, ever tell anyone. It's like that old saying, "Three can keep a secret if two are dead." Since you did talk to her on the phone, it would seem that it's at least not a guy If that was a guy he had the most feminine voice I've ever heard in a man. but maybe just someone messing with you, but whatever, saying this person is shady is a major understatement. That wasn't the impression I got but it could be I'm too trusting. Sleezy That most likely prompted a long conversation between them about the situation, and a probably decision that meeting you was not best (for typical Internet safety reasons and all, and nothing personal). Meanwhile, she was most likely "mingling" with other guys who live near her already (while still emotionally bound to you), and when she realized she couldn't meet you, she found a guy she did know. That makes sense too. Even though you never met her, you honestly connected with her personality emotionally (assuming her personality online was true, which is seldom found on the Internet). I also spoke with her on the phone. They weren't especially frequent conversations but they were long. Buy you're right about online personalities being different. I'm not the same person online as I am in person. Good luck with everything. Thanks. lordmaul13 -----signature----- tatooinewizard's partner in crime I can dream now, Joey. Oh, you wouldn't believe what I can dream of now. Hellraiser III Better Days Than These http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=27626554&brd=10475&start=27629823
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UluUlix Registered: Feb '03	Date Posted: 1/14/04 10:09pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Spaceman: "UluUlix: To me, you sound hesitant about pursuing a more romantic/intimate relationship with "Dawn." How come? How do you feel about her -- can you picture the two of you in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship?" Mariah and I have been close but it seems like the cracks are starting to appear. I thought it didnt matter, but it does. Yes I would be hesitant about something with Dawn because when we first went out, I felt a connection and I could picture it. Then she just said she didnt want to date at the time and there wasnt something there for her. Now 4 months later-this scenario is playing out and I'm scared. I dated some other people between Dawn and Mariah and pretty much was just doing the dating thing and not making any committments. Mariah came in to my life and I was swept up with her. I just feel like we cant talk. We are at two opposite ends of the political spectrum, and that seems to be a huge area of conflict not to mention we are of different religions. I have been honest with Mariah that I am having some problems with this relationship and I think we need some space. She is wonderful and I would like to thank I could commit and marry her one day but the lack of common interests scares the world out of me. She even has a problem with my LOTR sword collection. And then Dawn who I consider at the time as a friend who happens to be girl is into everything and even likes the swords. -----signature----- "Drawn into the mistakes of the Republic, the Jedi had been. Allowed the dark side to take root. Allowed arrogance to infect the Order. A priority, holding on to power had become. Inflated by their own conquests, the Jedi became." Master Yoda
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UluUlix Registered: Feb '03	Date Posted: 1/14/04 10:34pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Cubie Hole: No I dont want to just jump at some different opportunity when it comes along. I just dont want to make the same mistake-thinking that things will be ok if we just ignore them. Do I really know what I want? I just wanted to go out and enjoy life and hopefully find someone with mutual interests. I know another girl I really like but she is busy with school and we live about 150 miles apart, but we are good friends. We will never date, unless she would ask then maybe , but we talk online quite a bit. The things she likes- I like. That is what I would want one day-mutual interests and common bonds. Really, I'm just confused. I'm in a relationship-It is not "intimate" in a specific way. It is going nowhere because we cant even talk about current events. The differences in religion is hard. She is a non-practicing Hebrew and I'm a Christian. So I just dont know if I should call it quits-it will hurt her big time. I dont want to hurt her. I dont want to date behind her back-I feel like a louse already for just having friends that are girls who I sometimes hang out with or talk with about LOTR or Star Wars. -----signature----- "Drawn into the mistakes of the Republic, the Jedi had been. Allowed the dark side to take root. Allowed arrogance to infect the Order. A priority, holding on to power had become. Inflated by their own conquests, the Jedi became." Master Yoda
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Space_Man Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 1/15/04 8:28am Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large - Date Edited: 1/15/04 8:32am (2 edits total) Edited By: Space_Man
	UluUlix: Here are some of the things you had to say regarding Mariah: I have been honest with Mariah that I am having some problems with this relationship and I think we need some space. She is wonderful...but the lack of common interests scares the world out of me...It is going nowhere because we can’t even talk about current events.... With these kinds of observations out on the table, I would say that this relationship is not working out for you. And when you say: I just don’t know if I should call it quits-it will hurt her big time, I have to wonder if -- rather then "hurting" her as you believe you will -- you might not be initiating something (a "break-up" I guess) that she really needs as well. Speculate for me: How happy do you think SHE is in the relationship? Do you think she might be seeing the same "cracks" in the relationship that you are? I realize you don't want to "hurt" her, but I just don't see much of a future in this relationship for either one of you (and, remember the old advice: don't ever start down the road of a serious relationship with someone -- knowing full well that there are problems/differences at the out-set -- thinking that you can somehow "change" them later on. Measure your compatibility with someone based on the philosophy of taking them for who they are now). Now, some of the things you said about Dawn (paraphrasing): Dawn, who I consider at the time as a friend, happens to be a girl who is into everything I am... And later on you say: Do I really know what I want? I just wanted to go out and enjoy life and hopefully find someone with mutual interests. Um...you've got such a person in your life already! And if you feel like Dawn is sending some mixed signals -- based on what she's told you in the past -- I say: role with it. You don't need to go get married the second time you go out! Just go do things together, and build-up the friendship in the mean time. Maybe she wants something more, and maybe not, but -- regardless -- it sounds like she'll be a fun person to spend time with & do things with, until both of you figure out if you want something more.... -----signature----- Seek first to understand...and then to be understood. ~ Stephen R Covey
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Teniel Djo Registered: Apr '00	Date Posted: 1/15/04 4:04pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	I too have "good intentions," and what I have to say to you probably isn't gonna be any more useful to you than anything anyone else hasn't already said to you...but please consider the one word I have to offer you, nonetheless: PATIENCE. The right relationship will come, eventually -- I can just about guarantee you of that. Does her best Inigo Montoya impression "I hate waiting." You're a wise person with good advice Space_Man. I know consciously that you're probably right. Unfortunately, patience has never been my virtue. Which isn't to say that I go rushing into things, especially relationships. I do everything about twice as slow as a normal person. I just get increasingly irritated over time and that's just never attractive. [b]IMO at least, meaningful relationships aren't just about getting "someone good." In other words, finally having that "good" person in your life, doesn't mean you've finally reached the top of the mountain, and can then relax; once you find the "right" person, then the REALLY hard work begins: maintaining and nurturing that love...and -- believe me -- it's a never ending process.[b] I do know this. It's the sort of thing that everyone gets told. I used to be terrified that it meant all relationships would end up like my parents who have been divorced since before I can remember and still manage to scream at each other from across the continent (by phone, although, sometimes I think they're loud enough to do without one.) But when I dated my ex we had differences of opinion and debates, but we never really argued with each other. I didn't even really argue with him when he broke up with me. I begged him not to do it but that's really not the same thing. Once I accepted that he didn't want to continue the relationship, I wasn't going to scream at him for telling me the truth. We're still friends, even. Unfortunately, my good experience with him (up to that last part which hurt like heck) has left me not to really understanding the old adage of "working" at the relationship. I only got truly angry with him a couple of times, but I managed to forgive him before I even really took it out on him because the infration was trivial or he would apologize. So mostly, it didn't feel like work. Maybe that's what was wrong, but I always hope not. It's my hope that I can have as understanding a relationship the next time. I realize there are different problems when on is married--finanaces, children, etc . . .--but I would really like to find someone who can deal with these troubles with a level head. I know it's near impossible to live out the rest of your life with someone and never argue, but if I can date someone for a year and never argue, then I don't think arguments in a healthy relationship should be all too frequent, or else there's probably something deeper wrong with the relationship. I realize, of course, that not arguing isn't the only important thing. But it's usually what people cite, saying that it's common for couples to argue which I'd rather not really believe to be true. Nurturing also means establishing a deeper bond with your loved one, through discussion about serious matters that mean something to you. You should feel free to express yourself and your feelings around this person. To me, that's what working on a relationship means, but I still think that wouldn't feel like work. I suppose it could be difficult at times but it would be deeply meaningful for me to be able to do be with someone on that level. Of course, maybe I'm just not making any sense at all . . . -----signature----- "Nous écrivons des choses éternelles."-- le geographe *** "That name no longer has any meaning to me."--Darth Vader
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