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Author	Topic: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
Space_Man Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 1/27/04 1:06pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large - Date Edited: 1/27/04 1:09pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Space_Man
	...why on earth would he act that way if I spoke to him--what, he doesn't like compliments? I wonder if he might just be a little insecure, and your compliments catch him off-guard...? I now make it a point not to start talking to him first because I'm afraid he won't react well if I speak to him first. Yikes. For what it's worth: I would advise AGAINST this. To me, it's starting the relationship with him (wherever it might go from here) on the wrong foot. You shouldn't have to be concerned that you speaking to him first, will cause him to have a negative reaction -- because, ultimately, YOU are not responsible for the way in which he chooses to react...HE is. If you wanna speak first, go for it...in fact, I would actually encourage you to do so. If he continually displays a negative reaction when you speak first, then I would say it's time to move on, because this guy doesn't communicate well, and might have some other -- darker -- issues at work in his life.... -----signature----- Seek first to understand...and then to be understood. ~ Stephen R Covey
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divaSySnootles Registered: Dec '03	Date Posted: 1/27/04 1:17pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	That makes since, I never thought of it that way (why he would react that way). Well I will keep trying, Space Man. -----signature----- Star Warz girlz rule. You people scare me.
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divaSySnootles Registered: Dec '03	Date Posted: 1/30/04 5:41am Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large - Date Edited: 1/30/04 5:42am (1 edits total) Edited By: divaSySnootles
	Ok, so I decide to keep trying. Next day he decides he wants to pick on me in front of everyone. You know like boys pick on girls in front of everyone because they like them (that elementary school stuff). I just laughed along with him along with everyone else, but deep down inside, I was upset about it--the fact that his only interaction with me is picking on me publicly and not talking to me privately. I still got a feeling that he liked me. So next day he decides to ignore me the whole day! I was so upset by the end the of day--and he decides to come over and ask me something about work and I made a point to only say one word to him like "ok." He was acting as if he wanted to talk to me more, but I started to talk to another coworker right near me while he was standing there, and I left real quick like I had to run an errand. He said as I walked away, "Nice chatting with you." I just smiled and everyone else was laughing, and I was like, "I'm not talking to him." When I came back he was talking to another of my coworkers and I just ignored him and went to my cubicle. He says something to me and I forget and I just look up and frown and looked down. He said, "Aw man!" Like he knew I was mad at him. It felt so good to get him back (I don't usually play these silly games). But arghhh, I still like him. Am I destroying it? -----signature----- Star Warz girlz rule. You people scare me.
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Space_Man Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 2/2/04 10:41am Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	divaSySnootles: This guy sounds a little difficult to figure-out, doesn't he? I don't think you're "destroying" anything...in fact, it sounds like you are acting in the more mature manner. Would you feel comfortable in striking-up a NON-work related conversation with him? I think the time has come to try and discuss something out-side work with him, and see how the interaction goes. -----signature----- Seek first to understand...and then to be understood. ~ Stephen R Covey
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WMCoolmon Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 2/2/04 3:55pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large - Date Edited: 2/2/04 3:56pm (2 edits total) Edited By: WMCoolmon
	Yes, those were my assumptions in the first place, but why on earth would he act that way if I spoke to him--what, he doesn't like compliments? I now make it a point not to start talking to him first because I'm afraid he won't react well if I speak to him first. Well, I'm uncomfortable getting compliments, usually because it's not that the person actually thinks that I deserve it - they seem to have some other reason. Complimenting someone is singling out someone, so it could make him somewhat nervous. So next day he decides to ignore me the whole day! I was so upset by the end the of day--and he decides to come over and ask me something about work and I made a point to only say one word to him like "ok." He was acting as if he wanted to talk to me more, but I started to talk to another coworker right near me while he was standing there, and I left real quick like I had to run an errand. Reading this it sounds like you expect him to start a conversation with you about something personal, and were insulted when he didn't. Then you acted really rude and basically blew him off. He said as I walked away, "Nice chatting with you." I just smiled and everyone else was laughing, and I was like, "I'm not talking to him." When I came back he was talking to another of my coworkers and I just ignored him and went to my cubicle. He says something to me and I forget and I just look up and frown and looked down. He said, "Aw man!" Like he knew I was mad at him. It wouldn't be that hard to tell...I mean, you did mention twice that you were ignoring him and I would've noticed that you were acting negatively. It felt so good to get him back (I don't usually play these silly games). But arghhh, I still like him. Am I destroying it? If it were me...I'd say yes. From what I've read - though I might be missing something - you have your own idea of how you want him to act and are getting annoyed that he isn't acting that way. So you act very clearly like you're trying to hurt him, and he acts sarcastic to show that it isn't working, and that he can't see any good reason for you to be acting that way. The image you seem to be projecting to him is that you don't want to be around him. You won't start conversations with him and when he does talk to you, you respond by being rude. Also, you said a while back I can tell he is starting to try and talk to me more though (in front of everyone)--but he always has to have a reason--about things work related. That sounds to me like he got that you were trying to talk to him but either he didn't know what to talk about, or he picked up/thought he picked up that you were nervous talking about other things. Work-related talk is safe because you don't have to share interests or admit that either party actually enjoys it; you can just say you were being polite or trying to fill the silence or somesuch. If you're still reading this then I apologize for being so rude, I realize most of the post has been saying "you're wrong!". Hopefully if I'm incredibly wrong, the different perspective will at least help somewhat. Parting words - it might be a good idea to try and arrange a meeting somewhere where you both would be somewhat more comfortable. By phone, since it'd be an incredibly uncomfortable experience (for me, again) to be asked out in front of a group of co-workers, since you (as a couple) would instantly become an item. Just my $0.02 -----signature----- "Do you really believe that?" "I do" "Are you willing to die for that belief?" - Serenity Sex happens. Deal with it.
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SamwiseGamgee Registered: Oct '03	Date Posted: 2/2/04 4:21pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	How do you get someone out of your system? A good friend of mine has been the unfortunate victim of one of my crushes and I don't want anything to come between our friendship. I want to stop thinking about her, but I can't figure out how. -----signature----- "If you see in your wine the reflection of a person not in your range of vision, don't drink it. " "Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. " "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” James Sheridan
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CUBIE_HOLE Registered: Jun '01	Date Posted: 2/3/04 12:02am Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	SamwiseGamgee: With regards to you, hasn't this been sort of covered before? Anyway, sorry, but you really can't do anything. There might be some little things here or there that might help a little, but we're talking a little at best. Time is pretty much your only wonder cure, and there isn't much wonderful about it. It just kind of happens. In a way, it's some what similar to the way it began. Allow me to spin your question: How do you get someone into your system? Sure, people could list a billion different answers. None of which are completely right nor wrong. They all can carry varying weights depending on a number of other factors, since nothing is exactly the same for anyone. Regardless of all that, it boils down to that it just kind of happens, and it happens with, you guessed it, time. You can only make yourself not like someone as much as you make yourself someone. -----signature----- Do unto others, then run like hell. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
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Space_Man Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 2/3/04 9:08am Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	SamwiseGamgee: A good friend of mine has been the unfortunate victim of one of my crushes... "Unfortunate victim?" You're being a little harsh on yourself -- no? Might I first ask why you think this can't turn into something more, in the first place? What makes you think that your "friend" might not want to pursue a more romantic-type of relationship with you? -----signature----- Seek first to understand...and then to be understood. ~ Stephen R Covey
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SamwiseGamgee Registered: Oct '03	Date Posted: 2/3/04 9:17am Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	"Unfortunate victim?" You're being a little harsh on yourself -- no? Considering my history and current events surrounding anyone I develope feelings for, no I am spot on with my assumption. My crushes always cause more damage then they are worth whether I act upon them or not. Might I first ask why you think this can't turn into something more, in the first place? What makes you think that your "friend" might not want to pursue a more romantic-type of relationship with you? Perhaps because she told me. Perhaps because I know my chances, I know who I am and who she is and that it simply is not possible. Perhaps because it has been proven to me time and time again that it is impossible for any woman to develope a romantic relationship with me. My history speaks for itself. -----signature----- "If you see in your wine the reflection of a person not in your range of vision, don't drink it. " "Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. " "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” James Sheridan
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Space_Man Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 2/3/04 11:55am Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Sam: Can I talk you into visiting the Resident JC Counselors thread? We need to chat.... -----signature----- Seek first to understand...and then to be understood. ~ Stephen R Covey
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womberty Registered: Jan '02	Date Posted: 2/3/04 12:08pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Next day he decides he wants to pick on me in front of everyone. You know like boys pick on girls in front of everyone because they like them (that elementary school stuff). Is this something you could elaborate on? If it's all in sport, then sometimes the best way to deal with it is to tease him right back - but only in the same conversation. (It probably wouldn't make sense to anybody if you went up to him a couple days later and started harassing him out of the blue.) But, it would help to know the context. Is he just being a jerk to you in front of your co-workers, or was the subject matter and tone such that you suspected he wanted to give you a little attention? It felt so good to get him back (I don't usually play these silly games). But arghhh, I still like him. Am I destroying it? Possibly. On the plus side, he's seen that you're aware of his presence, but on the other hand, he knows you're mad at him. He might not understand. Will he know why you were avoiding him?
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SamwiseGamgee Registered: Oct '03	Date Posted: 2/3/04 12:11pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Can I talk you into visiting the Resident JC Counselors thread? We need to chat.... Being as dialogue has already opened here perhaps we should continue. I see no reason to move the conversation. Or else I welcome you to PM me. -----signature----- "If you see in your wine the reflection of a person not in your range of vision, don't drink it. " "Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. " "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” James Sheridan
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womberty Registered: Jan '02	Date Posted: 2/3/04 1:25pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	I'm going to re-post what I put in the other thread, in case anyone else is interested in my theory on relationship-building. (If not, just skip this post. ) Perhaps you're too good at being the friend? Do you tend to have deeper, very trusting relationships with these girls? If so, you may fall victim to their perception of you as just a friend, a good friend, too good a friend to lose. Or, if these tend to just be more casual relationships - maybe it is just a question of attraction. Maybe you need to get expand your boundaries when it comes to the women you tend to meet and befriend. As for your current crush, are you sure you don't want to act on it? Perhaps you should just try approaching this situation differently than you have in the past. For one thing, girls tend to find male attention flattering (as long as it's not from an unknown, creepy-looking guy). So, since you are already friends, perhaps you can try gradually showing her more personal attention. More e-mails, maybe. Let her see that she's the person you think of when you need someone to talk to. (Try to avoid being needy, though; instead of asking her help with something, perhaps, just let her be the one you share the new joke with, or the one you tell about the funny thing that happened at work.) If she reciprocates, then you can gradually move it to the next level, where the attention turns to a bit of flirting. Make sure you show appreciation for her appearance and for who she is as a person. (That is, don't just compliment her new haircut; be impressed at her accomplishments as well.) In my opinion, that is a better approach than a sudden "Do you want to go out with me?" or "Are you interested in a relationship with me?" That sort of thing puts the person on the spot, and they might not appreciate your disregard for their discomfort in such a situation. Instead, let them dwell on the possibility over time, as you pay more attention to them. If they realize you might have romantic feelings for them, at least it gives them some time to think about whether or not they would feel the same for you, instead of being forced to answer point-blank.
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SamwiseGamgee Registered: Oct '03	Date Posted: 2/3/04 1:34pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	Trust me I have already messed things up to the point where she is ready not to talk to me anymore. I am just trying to repair what damage i can and salvage the friendship. She has told me point blank she feels nothing for me romantically. But she thinks the world of me as a friend, which is not an easy task. -----signature----- "If you see in your wine the reflection of a person not in your range of vision, don't drink it. " "Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. " "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” James Sheridan
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Defiance Registered: Jul '99	Date Posted: 2/3/04 2:05pm Subject: RE: Love/romance advice lounge- no question too small, no question too large
	I can tell he is starting to try and talk to me more though (in front of everyone)--but he always has to have a reason--about things work related. I would have said that he was shy, but after reading about the rest of what he did, perhaps he wasn't. Shy people generally don't act like jerks in front of everyone (unless they're online). -----signature----- Your friendly neighbourhood idiot.
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