(1) Philosopher's Stone "Harry - yer a wizard" (Hagrid) Well, I think this one is pretty obvious. The whole series is based around this one statement, that Harry is wizard. This is the most important quote in the ENTIRE series. (2) Chamber of Secrets "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." (Dumbledore) Yes, one of Dumbledore's pieces of "wisdom" (lousy Gryffindor favourer!). But this one really can be applied to many characters in the HP-verse, and is basically the message of CoS (other than this message, that book really doesn't have much to offer, does it?) Not only does this quote allow us to see the difference between Harry (good) and Voldemort (evil...or at least in the world of Gryffindor favourers he is), but can also show the character of others. The ones who truly sticks out for me here is Ron, who proves to be the greatest of friends, if the bumbling sidekick, and Neville, who despite his lack of academic skills, is one of the most endearing characters, because he continues to try. [thecleric007]
(5) The scene where Ron calls Harry's house and Uncle Vernon picks up the phone. It was done in flashback anyway, so it's an easy scene to cut out. It only serves to make the Dursleys mad anyway and they have plenty more reasons to freak out at Harry as the book progresses. (6) Uncle Vernon lecturing Harry about how to behave while Aunt Marge is around (and on the school he's supposed to have been attending). Again, useless, and it's not like it had any effect on Harry anyway, who behaves well only because he wants to be able to go to Hogsmeade. (7) Professor Lupin magically shooting the wad of gum up Peeves' nose. It might be a cool bit of magic but is easily omitted. Plus it would just disrupt the flow of things because the important part is the Boggart and not Lupin's poltergeist trouble. (8) The classes (Herbology and Transfiguration) in Chapter 8, right after Scabbers nearly gets eaten by Crookshanks. All that happens is Ron acting extremely hacked off and Hermione questioning Lavender about her rabbit and Trelawney's prediction. (9) The scene where McGonagall tells Harry that Sirius Black is after him and tries to get him to stop playing Quidditch. She doesn't succeed, and while she gets Madam Hooch to oversee the training sessions, they don't show the training sessions anyway. (10) Hagrid giving Harry and Ron a lecture about ignoring Hermione. This scene would only take up time that could be used on stuff not related to their group dynamics. Besides, they patch things up soon enough. [DarthXan318]
Create a complete House-based board scheme. Must include header, background, curve, etc. May do up to 3. 150 points. - 20 point bonus if board colors are changed to House colors. Bonus only applies to first board scheme. Slytherin Board Scheme [Gaeri]
(3) For Sale: Wild Ford Anglia. Looking to sell an "improved" Ford Anglia that has gone wild due to misuse. Currently roams the Forbidden Forest. Needs heavy body work and invisibility booster upgrade. Please take it because my parents are very angry! FREE! See Ronald Weasley, Gryffindor, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (4) Looking for Love Once in a Full Moon Hello! I am a Professor at Hogwarts who is very lonely, especially on those long, full-moon nights. Is seeking a mate who can handle it rough, but likes it soft and romantic. Must own large cage and collar and chain. I'm a perfect gentleman every day except one out of the month. Give me a chance! (5) I've got my EYE out for you! Lonely wizard seeking lady. Must NOT be affiliated with anything dodgy. Must enjoy spending every day at home so we don't get attacked by my enemies. Ability to ignore my magic eye a plus. Send me an owl and give me a chance! [Aerandir]
"I was vacationing in Nepal one winter, when I had heard the locals talking of attacks up in the Himalayas. I, of course, being the brave wizard I am, jumped at the opportunity to rid these poor people of this evil. I gathered a crew and headed up the snowy, desolate mountains. We didn't have to search long when we heard this low growl that shook us all the way to our bones. Let me tell you, the beast was fearsome. He attacked my team from above, leaping from a nearby mountain peak. We fought fiercely, but he soon overpowered my guides. I was forced to take on the monster alone. Panting, the beast and I faced each other in a dual to the death. One of us would survive and the other would not, but which one? My trusty wand slid comfortingly into my grip, and with one quick spell and a bright flash, the monster fell from the air in mid-attack. The locals greeted me with a celebration after I carried my team down from the icy hills one-by-one. They, to this day, have a statue to honor my triumphant acheivement." [Aerandir]
(4) Original Song: Mean Ole Lion from the Wiz Mean Ole Teacher Severus: Say what you wanna But I'm here to stay 'Cause I'm a mean ole teacher You can go where you're gonna But don't get in my way I'm a mean ole teacher You'll get a Quidditch foul, If you don't see my scowl And if you happen to come around Well, you best not make me frown For I just might knock your house down I'm a mean ole teacher You know I'm ready to brew And take points away from you 'Cause I'm a mean ole teacher If you're half bright You'll detour to the right From a mean ole teacher All you strangers better beware This is the Potions Master here And if I happen to let you slide Don't just stand here Run and hide You just caught my better side I'm a mean ole teacher Look, You better beware This is the Potions Master here And if I happen to let you slide Don't stand here Run and hide You just caught my better side I'm a mean ole teacher I'm a mean ole teacher [thecleric007] (5) Original Song: Let Me Rest in Piece from Once More With Feeling (The Buffy the Vampire Slayer Musical) Let Me Rest in Peace (aka Sev’s rant against fan fiction) Severus: I tried To get away many years ago But you can make it seem Like that isn't so And why you come to write about me I think I finally know Mmm-mmm... You're obsessed Ashamed of what you feel And you can’t tell the ones you love You know they couldn’t deal Whisper in a fictional man’s ear That doesn’t make it real That’s great But I don’t want to play 'Cause being in your fan fic Tortures me more than I can say And since I'm only fiction to you I’m saying stay away And let me rest in peace Let me rest in peace Let me get some sleep Let me take my life and bury it In a hole six foot deep I can lay my body down But I can't find any release So let me rest in peace You know You got an unwilling slave And you just love to play with my life And make me misbehave But while you do, I’m telling you Stop ruining my name And let me rest in peace There’s nowhere I can go You follow me like a f@ngurl!!!11! possessed There’s suffering here, beneath my breast And fan fic hurts me more than you’ve ever guessed Fan fic has chewed me, and spit me out like the rest, But I can see you’re unimpressed So leave me be and Let me rest in peace Let me get some sleep Let me take my life and bury it In a hole six foot deep I can lay my body down But I can’t find any release Let me rest in peace Why won’t you... Let me rest in peace? [thecleric007]
Drumroll please... Ok, here it is. The Challenge Fic. And it is long. VERY long. But most of it is actually songs, many of which have been used in the song parody/rewriting tasks. So, if you've read those before, you can skip past then now. And if you haven't, well you have second chance. Hope you all enjoy! Oh yeah, this is a sequel to my Challenge Fic last year, The Many Adventures of Whoremione. You don't really need to have read it, but if you want to, you can find it here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1549592 ~The Cleric 007 The Cleric 007 Strikes Back! (aka Severus Snape: The Musical) The Cleric 007 found herself lying on the ground. She blinked a few times, then recalled being defenestrated by Hermione at the end of her last fic. She quickly got up, then fell down again, overwhelmed by dizziness. ‘This sucks,’ she thought. ‘I don’t have anyone around to torment anymore.’ Suddenly an owl flew overhead and dropped a letter. Right on her head. “OW!” she yelled, cursing the stupid bird. Then she looked at the envelope. It was addressed to her, from Mara Jade Skywalker. ‘That’s odd…’ she thought, as she opened the letter. She took out the paper inside, and began to read it. Suddenly she smiled…inside were the requirements for the Challenge Fic for the JC House Cup, Year Seven. This was going to be fun. *~*~* Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, walked into his office. And froze at the sight in front of him. An unknown girl was sitting behind HIS desk, in HIS chair, playing with HIS potion’s ingredients. And, even worse, she was narrating every action he took/thought he had since he had walked into the office, including giving him a very long and pompous title. “Who are you,” he asked with a snarl. The girl smiled. “I’m The Cleric 007. Nice to meet you, Sev.” Severus glared at her. “Don’t call me Sev.” “How about Sevvy then? Or Sevvie with an ‘ie’? Or would you prefer Sniv…” Suddenly Severus’ wand was pointed at the girl’s face. “Finish that word and I’ll hex you from here to the moon and back again.” “Tut, tut, what a temper you have. But that wouldn’t work.” “And why not?” “Because I’m non-corporeal. You know, not having a physical for…” “Do I look like Neville Longbottom? I KNOW what non-corporeal means. But I can see you.” “Hey! No cruelty to Neville. Anyway, the reason you can see me is because Whoremio…I mean, Hermione wanted to defenestrate me. You know, chuck m…” “I KNOW what it means.” “All right, no need to through a fangirl hissy fit!” “A what?” “Nevermind. Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I’m here.” “Yes, the question did cross my mind.” “Well, I’m writing the Challenge Fic for my house at the JC House Cup. And you’re the star.” “No.” “Oh, come on Sev.” “NO! Why should I?” “Um…it supports Slytherin.” “How?” “Well, I’m in Slytherin House at the JC.” “Oh, that’s not the real Slytherin. No.” “What if I give you a cookie?” “No.” “Two cookies?” “NO! If this is all you have to say, then your wasting the precious time I could spend brooding, or swooping around the halls like an overgrown bat.” Severus turned and started to walk away. “Wait. I…I…I’m your father!” Severus spun around to face The Cleric 007. “No you’re not.” “You’re right, but it was worth a try.” He turned around again, and nearly run over a small, green, evil-looking creature. “And who, or what, are you?” he asked, thoroughly annoyed at today’s events. Suddenly the girl screamed. “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! It’s YODAMINCH. Hide me, hide me!” She quickly ran up to Snape and tried to hide inside his robes. After getting kicked she decided that just hiding behind him might be the better option. Peeking around Severus, she looked over at Yodaminch. “Why are you here?” she asked in a small voice. A loud, booming voice came out of the small creature (which looked suspiciously like an evil version of Yoda from Star Wars). “You’re being a slacker. It’s been three weeks, and you haven’t finished the Challenge Fic yet. So I brought something to help you.” Yodaminch reached into his pocket, and suddenly pulled out Wayne and Garth from SNL. And then he disappeared. Wayne and Garth looked up at Severus in awe. “We’re not worthy!” they shouted in unison. And then they also disappeared. Severus spun around to face The Cleric 007. “What was that?” “That was Yodaminch. My Head of House. He’s scary.” “More scary than I am?” “Yes. Much.” Severus glared at her. “And who were those other two?” “Oh, just Wayne and Garth. One of the required elements of the Challenge Fic. Stuff from Saturday Night Live. I wouldn’t expect you to know what that is, but it’s really funny. Anyway, expect to see a friend of mine, Gaeri, the rockin’ Head Prefect of my house, pop in later to randomly say some quotes from SNL. She’ll look like Ginny in the Chamber of Secrets, complete with Tom Riddle’s diary, because that is the closest thing we have as an image of a Slytherin female, unless you count the Quidditch team, but that was a mistake on the moviemaker’s part. Anyway…time to get started on the fic.” “Wait a minute. I’m not being a part of this.” “Oh yes you are. I just thought of the perfect reason for it too!” “And what, pray tell, is that.” “Well, since I am the author, I can do whatever I want, right?” “Right.” “So, if you don’t do what I say, I’m going to turn all of your clothes pink. And frilly. ALL of your clothes.” “You can’t do that!” “Wanna bet?” she replied, smiling evilly. She then pointed to the hem of his robs. Severus looked down in horror as a wave of pink slowly overtook the blackness of his robes, and the fabric began to frill. He looked back up at The Cleric 007. “Fine, I’ll do it. Just make this go away.” She smiled happily. “Done. Now, let’s go have some fun!” *~*~* Severus walked into class beside The Cleric 007. Then, suddenly, she wasn’t there. Instead there was Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets. “I'm crazy backwards guy! I'm not facing you, I'm facing the other way, Isn't that CRAZY?” said Ginny, and then she ran away. “What the…” Watch your language, Sev. This has to be a PG fic. Severus started upon hearing The Cleric 007’s disembodied voice. “Where are you?” I’m everywhere, yet nowhere. “What?” Oh, come on Sev, did you really expect me to hang around in that physical embodiment during your class? How would you explain it? It would just be weird. Plus, Hermione would recognize me and want to hurt me, especially after that whole fiasco with you and the love potion. Severus groaned. “Don’t remind me.” Oh, but I want to. Because then I fulfill the requirement of a love potion. I guess. Mara’s not really picky. It’s mentioned, so that should be enough. I hope. Oh, and that was Gaeri just now. She’ll be back. Anyway…I think maybe you should start teaching the class. They are starting to stare. Severus turned towards the class and glared at them all, especially Neville Longbottom. HEY! What did I say about cruelty to Neville? Be NICE! Severus grumbled something, and then went to the front of the class. He was just about to start lecturing when he suddenly heard a guitar playing. “What was that?” he demanded to the class. They stared at him like he had three heads. The Cleric 007 stayed silent, though she knew that it was the overture to Jesus Christ, Superstar. A great piece of music. “What?” She suddenly remembered that Snape could hear her narration. Oops. Well, um, yeah, have you checked out the title Sev? Severus looked up at the title. “Severus Snape, the what?” He he he…you’re about to find out. And don’t blame me, it’s Daughter of Yub Yub’s fault. It was her idea. Of course, she was just joking, but still, it was her idea!!! The class was still staring at Severus when suddenly he burst into song. ******* Severus: Been brewing so hard My eyebrows are charred. Everyday, for what? Oh, tell me what I got Male Students: Been brewing so hard Our eyebrows are charred Everyday, for what? Harry: For what? Harry, Neville, Ron: For what? Pansy, Blaise: For what? Draco, Crabbe, Goyle: For what? All: FOR WHAT? Hermione: Been brewing too damn hard My eyebrows are so charred All these hours of bustin' my butt Oh, tell me what I got All: I got this feeling that the Potion Master's a fool Pavarti, Lavender: I hate this feeling that the Potion Master's a fool All: I'll hit the ceiling or else I'll tear up this school Tonight I gotta cut loose Footloose Kick off your Hogwart's shoes Please, Louise Pull me offa my knees Jack, get back C'mon, before we crack Lose your blues Everybody cut Footloose Female Students: You're playing so cool Obeying Snape's every rule Dig way down in your heart You're burning yearning for some All: Somebody to tell you That life ain't passing you by Female Students: Life ain't passin' me by All: I'm trying to tell you It will if you don't even try You can fly Severus: If you'd only cut loose All: Cut Footloose Woooo Cut Footloose Awwwwwwwww Cut Footloose Woooo Cut Footloose Awwwwwwwww CUT FOOTLOOSE First! We've got to turn you around Second! Then take your feet on the ground Third! Now take ahold of your broom! Life keeps holding me down Everybody cut everybody cut... ****SCENE SHIFT TO THE GREAT HALL**** Choir: At any meal time here we'll be Filling our stomachs so hungrily One day once classes have ceased We will be released Albus: At any meal time, Merlin, I pray Tell me exactly the words to say Give me strength and maybe then I can reach my fellow men So they all may applaud again Thank you, Merlin, Amen. Severus: I've only been here 3 days and already The year's end seems a million years away But with my salary I'm barely hanging on there 'Specially with the Dark Lord back, there's Not too many places I could stay And maybe I'll be a DADA prof that's steady And maybe I could stand it for a year And maybe things won't be so bad And maybe I won't get too mad And maybe I could have a good class here Minerva, Hagrid: Have a good class here Professors: Is this the right answer? Choosing this as my life Choosing to teach a class That's always frightning Is this the right answer? Students: The right answer! The right answer! We strive to say what's right! The right answer! The right answer! Marks are a matter of black and white! New Students: There's rumors going 'round about the Potions prof And everybody's talking til they're blue But you know how a teacher is If he's not dumb he's dangerous But either way at we're learning something new Albus, Minerva, Hagrid: Hogwarts is love Come here and you'll never roam Stars on the ceiling above Just to light your way back home ****THESE PARTS TOGETHER IN FOUR PART CRAZINESS**** Severus: I've only been here 3 days and already The year's end seems a million years away But with my salary I'm barely hanging on there 'Specially with the Dark Lord back, there's Not too many places I could stay And maybe I'll be a DADA prof that's steady And maybe I could stand it for a year And maybe things won't be so bad And maybe I won't get too mad And maybe I could have a good class here Students: The right answer! The right answer! We strive to say what's right! The right answer! The right answer! Marks are a matter of black and white! New Students: There's rumors going 'round about the Potions prof And everybody's talking til they're blue But you know how a teacher is If he's not dumb he's dangerous But either way at we're learning something new Albus, Minerva, Hagrid: Hogwarts is love Come here and you'll never roam Stars on the ceiling above Just to light your way back home ******************************************************* All: At any meal time here we'll be Filling our stomachs so hungrily Glad Sodexho didn't make the feast Asking naught but, Merlin, at least One day once classes have ceased We will be released ******* The song ends, and everyone starts eating like nothing unusual has happened. Except for Severus who stares in horror at everyone. “Singing? Why?” I already explained that. It was Yubs fault. She is a walking musical. And there’s more where that came from. And there’s dancing. “Someone kill me now.” “What was that Severus?” said Albus Dumbledore suddenly, reminding Severus that there were people around him. “Nothing,” he said, putting on his perma-scowl and sitting down to eat. Suddenly Minerva McGonagall turned to Albus. “So, Albus, what’s the buzz?” “Yeah,” said Hagrid. “What’s happening…” ******* Professors: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happening Dumbledore: Why should you want to know? Don't you mind about the future, don't you try to think ahead Save tomorrow for tomorrow, think about your class instead Professors: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happening Dumbledore: I could give you facts and figures - I could give you plans and forecasts Even tell you where I'm going Professors: When do we go into Hogsmeade? Dumbledore: Why should you want to know? Why are you obsessed with drinking, times and fates you can't defy? If you knew the path we're riding you'd understand it less than I Professors: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happening ******* After dinner, Severus went to his office. “What a horrible day.” Awwwwww…does ickle Sevvy not like singing? “Go away.” Ah, but I can’t do that. Not yet. I’m not even close to being done with you. Anyway, time to go visit Dumbledore. “Why?” Because I have a song to put in about him. But don’t worry, you don’t have to sing in this one. I’m saving your solos for later. “I don’t suppose I have a choice.” Not unless you suddenly like the idea of wearing pink, frilly underwear. “Let’s go.” Severus quickly walked through the hallway, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. Suddenly, a chorus of disembodied voices started to sing. ****** Severus Snape, Severus Snape Who are you? What have you sacrificed? Severus Snape Superstar Do you think you're what they say you are? ****** “More music?” Yep. And so far we’ve only done stuff from Footloose and Superstar. I still have The Wiz, Moulin Rouge and the Buffy musical to get through. “I can hardly wait.” Now, there’s the spirit. ****** Severus entered Dumbledore’s office, which was filled with people for no apparent reason. These people immediately formed a circle around Severus and Albus. Minerva: He's the Wiz, He's the man, He's the only one, Who can give your wish right to ya. He's the Wizard. He'll send you back through time By giving you a Time Turna! All of the super power's his. Listen and I'll tell you where he is. Hermione, Ron, The Sorting Hat, Filch (yes...FILCH): He's the Wiz and he lives in Hogwarts. Hagrid: There's the way to the DADA position. That's not too far, is it? Just take your dilemma, Sev, And lay it on the Wizard. He'll fix you a drink That'll bubble and foam. And in a flash the position will be your own. Harry: He's the Wiz. He's the Wiz. He's the Wizard of Hogwarts He's got magic up his sleeve He's the Wizard And you know that however you feel, It is impossible to leave Fantastic powers at his command And I'm sure that he will understand Hermione, Ron, The Sorting Hat, Filch: He's the Wiz and he lives in Hogwarts Minerva: Sevvy, Let me tell you 'bout The world and the way things are I'm gonna point you towards the Wiz He's the Wiz Fantastic powers at his command And I'm sure that he will understand Hermione, Ron, The Sorting Hat, Filch: He's the Wiz and he lives in Oz Hagrid: Sevvy, Let me tell you 'bout The world and the way things are I know you want a different placement And I know you've traveled far. Now that you've told me what it is, I'd better point you towards the Wiz. All: He's the Wiz! ******* After running away from Dumbledore’s office as fast as he could possibly go, looking remarkably like an overgrown bat, Severus found himself in the Dungeons. And soon found some Ravenclaw students out of bed. He was just about to take points from there house when he felt yet another song coming on! ******* Severus: If you're going to be my student Better bone up on the rules 'Cause don't nobody bring me no excuse You can be in my house As opposed to payin' dues But don't nobody bring me no excuse Ravenclaw Students: No excuse No excuse Severus: Don't you ever bring me no excuse 'Cause I'll make you an offer, child That you cannot refuse So don't nobody bring me no excuse Ravenclaw Students: No excuse No excuse Severus: So don't nobody bring me no excuse! ******* Severus thought the madness of the song was over when the Ravenclaws ran away from him in terror, then realized that the music hadn’t ended. It had only faded out, to be replaced by another song. ******* Severus: Say what you wanna But I'm here to stay 'Cause I'm a mean ole teacher You can go where you're gonna But don't get in my way I'm a mean ole teacher You'll get a Quidditch foul, If you don't see my scowl And if you happen to come around Well, you best not make me frown For I just might knock your house down I'm a mean ole teacher You know I'm ready to brew And take points away from you 'Cause I'm a mean ole teacher If you're half bright You'll detour to the right From a mean ole teacher All you strangers better beware This is the Potions Master here And if I happen to let you slide Don't just stand here Run and hide You just caught my better side I'm a mean ole teacher Look, You better beware This is the Potions Master here And if I happen to let you slide Don't stand here Run and hide You just caught my better side I'm a mean ole teacher I'm a mean ole teacher ******* “I can’t take much more of this,” Severus said, slumping against the wall. Oh, poor baby, you hand out so much abuse yet you can’t take it yourself. “Excuse me? You’ve read Order of the Phoenix. You’ve seen what I had to go through.” Hey, who ordered a Can’tGetOverHisPast!Snape. I sure didn’t. “Leave me alone.” Oh, I will. Eventually. ******* Severus Snape, Severus Snape Who are you? What have you sacrificed? Severus Snape Superstar Do you think you're what they say you are? ******* “Wonderful. Them again.” “Who again, sir?” Severus looked down, and found himself face to face with Draco Malfoy. “Nothing, nothing at all. What are you doing out of bed?” “Um, nothing sir. I just heard a noise.” “Did it sound like singing?” “Um, no sir. I should get back to bed.” After looking at Severus like he had three heads (he was getting that a lot today), Draco hurried back towards the Slytherin dormitory. As Snape watched his retreating figure, he found himself remembering the day before Draco had arrived at Hogwarts. “No I wasn’t,” Severus snapped. Yes, you were. Trust me. “Why is it getting cloudy in the Dungeon all of a sudden?” This, my dear Sev, is what we call a “flashback”. “Oh joy.” ******* Severus suddenly found Lucius Malfoy beside him, just as he remembered. A group of house elves where cleaning the Slytherin common room around them Suddenly Lucius said, “He looks upon tonight as his sorting night.” ”His sorting night?” came Severus’ reply. “He's like a proud serpent! He says you make him feel like a Slytherin!” “Slytherin?” “You know, plotting for the very first time. He says it feels so good, inside when he hexes her and you take points from them.” “Like a Slytherin!” “He's made it through the wilderness somehow, he's made it through. He didn't know how lost he was…” Lucius suddenly began to sing: Until he found this house He was beat incomplete He'd been mad, He was sad and blue But you made him feel Yeah, you made him feel Silver and green! *****HOUSE-ELVES BEGIN TO DANCE AROUND LUCIUS AND SEVERUS***** Like a Slytherin Plotting for the very first time Like a Sly-y-y-y-therin Your spells cast Both in time Gonna give you all his skills His fear is fading fast Been saving it all for you Only points can last He's so pure-blooded and he’s mine He'll be yours 'till the end of the school year 'Cause you made him feel Yes, you ma-a-a-a-de him feel He has nothing to hide! Like a Slytherin Plotting for the very first time Like a Sly-y-y-y-therin When your spells cast Both in time Like a Slytherin Feels so good inside When he hexes her And you take points from them, Ooh, ohhhh! ****INSTRUMENTAL. HOUSE-ELVES BREAK OUT INTO THE CAN-CAN***** Severus: He's so pure-blooded and he's mine He makes the house strong, yes he makes them bold Oh his ambition thawed out Yes your am-bi-i-i-tion thawed out What was scared and cold Like a Slytherin Plotting for the very first time Like a Sly-y-y-y-therin When your spells cast Both in time Like a Slytherin Feels so good inside When he hexes her And you take points from them When he hexes her And you take points from them Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, ooooooooooooooooh! Severus and Lucius: Like a Slytherin! ****** “Well, that was disturbing.” Severus’ words brought the flashback to a sudden end. I know, I know. It is odd. Especially when you think about the sexual connotations of the original. It may Gaeri’s head explode. Speaking of Gaeri… Gaeri suddenly ran into the hallway. “You're going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river,” she yelled at the top of her lungs, and then ran away again. Severus turned, and walked towards his quarters. ******* Severus Snape, Severus Snape…. ******* “Oh, SHUT UP!” ******* Who are you? Wha… ******* “I said SHUT UP!” Ok guys, you can go. There’s only one song left now. Severus glared at the presence of The Cleric 007. “One more? There’s still ONE more! I can’t take any more of this. You fan fiction people. Always popping in and bothering me. Why can’t you let me rest…oh NO!” ******* Severus: I tried To get away many years ago But you can make it seem Like that isn't so And why you come to write about me I think I finally know Mmm-mmm... You're obsessed Ashamed of what you feel And you can’t tell the ones you love You know they couldn’t deal Whisper in a fictional man’s ear That doesn’t make it real That’s great But I don’t want to play 'Cause being in your fan fic Tortures me more than I can say And since I'm only fiction to you I’m saying stay away And let me rest in peace Let me rest in peace Let me get some sleep Let me take my life and bury it In a hole six foot deep I can lay my body down But I can't find any release So let me rest in peace You know You got an unwilling slave And you just love to play with my life And make me misbehave But while you do, I’m telling you Stop ruining my name And let me rest in peace There’s nowhere I can go You follow me like a f@ngurl!!!11! possessed There’s suffering here, beneath my breast And fan fic hurts me more than you’ve ever guessed Fan fic has chewed me, and spit me out like the rest, But I can see you’re unimpressed So leave me be and Let me rest in peace Let me get some sleep Let me take my life and bury it In a hole six foot deep I can lay my body down But I can’t find any release Let me rest in peace Why won’t you... Let me rest in peace? ******* There, do you feel better now? You got to rant, and it’s the last song. “I do feel better. But I’ll feel even better after I have a good, strong drink.” Oooooooo…The Cleric 007 suddenly took physical form again. I’m a Truemanite! Count me in for alcohol! ******* Well, about an hour later, The Cleric 007 found herself hanging out with Drunk!Snape. She was a bit tipsy herself, but not too drunk to make sure Snape now said ALL the quotes she needed in the fic to fulfill the requirements that Mara had set. “So, Sevvy, tell me about the discussions you have in class.” “Our discussion in class may seem retarded... and it usually is. And I thought I told you not to call me Sevvy!” “Fine, fine. So, Sevvie, what do you do to those who aren’t with you?” “If you're not with me, you're against me and I'll meet you in the back parking lot after school. And I said don’t call me Sevvy.” “I didn’t call you Sevvy. I called you Sevvie with an “ie”.” “Don’t call me that either.” “Fine, fine. You have my attention.” “Good. Now that I have your attention, I'm going to continue to pick this piece of lettuce out of my teeth.” “You do that. So…what do you think about this man with a goatee?” The Cleric 007 holds up a piece of paper, but the paper is blank because she couldn’t think of anyone with a goatee, but figures Drunk!Snape is too far gone to notice. “Yes, he should be killed because he has a goatee and I don't trust men with goatees.” “Ah…I see. So, I guess that basically brings this fic to an end.” “Good. This was probably the worst day of my life.” “Even worse that ‘Snape’s Worst Memory’?” “Much worse.” “Well, once again, it wasn’t my fault. It was all Yubsie’s idea. And she’s in RAVENCLAW. Consorting with the enemy! It’s very scandalous.” “So, if this is done, why are you still here?” “Well, I feel like I’m missing something. This fic seems to be missing a good ending. It’s not musical enough.” “Well, what else is there to do. An encore? What were you planning on doing for an encore? Standing on a hilltop during a lightening storm wearing a wet suit of armour and yelling 'All gods are bastards!' at the top of your lungs?” The Cleric 007 looked over at Snape, beaming. “That’s IT” Snape looked at her in horror, realizing what he had just sentenced himself to. ******* Suddenly Severus is surrounded by a bunch of Slytherin students, all dressed in skimpy, Chicago-style costumes, because they are about to sing a parody of a Chicago song. This lovely image is brought to you by Gaeri, in revenge for her writing a song parody when I had claimed them all, and thus depriving me of another new song. So, I brought out an old one: [DRACO] Break [MILLICENT] Six [CRABBE/GOYLE] (aka the Rosencrantz and Guilderstern of HP) Mad [PANSY] Uh uh [BLAISE] (male or female, take your pick) Hogwarts [SNAPE] Potter! [Repeated twice] [ALL] He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it [BLAISE] I betcha you would have done the same! [DRACO] Break [MILLICENT] Six [CRABBE/GOYLE] Mad [PANSY] Uh uh [BLAISE] Hogwarts [SNAPE] Potter! [DRACO (Spoken)] You know how people have these little habits that get you down. Like Harry. Harry liked to bend rules. No, not bend, BREAK. Well, I went to Hagrid’s one day and I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy and there's Harry sittin' in the cottage, drinkin' some tea and bendin' those rules. No, not bendin'. Breakin' them. So, I said to him, I said, "Harry, you break that rule one more time..." And he did. So I told McGonagall about it all and he got detention... ...but so did I! [ALL] He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would Have done the same! [MILLICENT (Spoken)] I met Harry Potter from number 4, Privet Drive about two years ago and he sorted into Gryffindor and we hated each other right away. So, we started fighting together. He'd fly a car to school, mix an illegal potion, steal my cat’s hair. Well, it was like that two and a half years. And then I found out, "Expelled" I thought? Expelled, my wand. Not only was he still in school ...oh, no, he was there for six years! One of those Gryffindors, you know. So the next day, when he came to class, I mixed up his Potion, as usual. You know, Snape just couldn’t resist taking some points. [DRACO, MILLICENT, CRABBE/GOYLE, SNAPE] Hah! He had it coming He had it coming He took the power Of favouritism And then he used it And he abused it It was a prank But not a crime! [CRABBE/GOYLE (Spoken)] Now, I'm standing in the Great Hall Eatin' up the chicken for dinner, minding our own business, and in storms Professor Snape, in a raging rage. "He’s been helpin' the madman," he says. He was crazy and he kept screamin', "He’s been helpin’ the madman." And still he was not expelled. He was not expelled so many times! [ALL] If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would have done the same! [PANSY (Spoken)] Latin (English translation) Ego odi Harry Potter, fatus Puer-Qui-Vivebat (I hate Harry Potter, the stupid Boy-Who-Lived) Praecipue ubi erat propugnator Triwizard Tournament (Especially when he was the Triwizard Tournament champion) Parit omnem gloriam, discis causa Gryffindor (He got all the glory, for his stupid Gryffindors) Etiam quamquam non licet est ibi (Even though he was not allowed to be there) Est nimis parvus indgredior, sed adhuc est ibi (he was too young to enter, but still there he was) Et vincit, git... (and he even won, the git) [CRABBE/GOYLE (Spoken)] Yeah, was he expelled? [PANSY] UH UH, not this time! [BLAISE] My Slytherin housemates and I were always willing to help and the new DADA prof, Umbridge, was willing to let us. Now, during the fifth year we had over 20 education decrees made in a row, one, two, three, four, five...no groups, no Quibbler, one right after the other. Well, this one night we were wandering Hogwarts, the group of us, stayin' up in the Dungeon, hangin' and havin' a few laughs and we hear a racket. So we went to find out what happened. We got there, opened the door and there's Harry Potter and his group, none of whom were even seventeen, saying horrible things. Well, we was in such a state of shock, That there was proof that Voldemort’s back. I can hardly remember a thing that happened next. It was later, when I realized what people were in Azkaban that I wished Harry was dead. He had it coming He had it coming He had it coming all along I wasn’t my fault But if it had been How could you tell me that I was wrong? [BLAISE] He had it coming [ALL] He had it coming [BLAISE] He had it coming [ALL] He had it coming [BLAISE] He had it coming [ALL] He took the power [BLAISE] All along [ALL] Of favouritism [BLAISE] I didn't do it [ALL] And then He used it [BLAISE] But if I'd done it [ALL] And He abused it [BLAISE] How could you tell me [ALL] It was a prank [BLAISE] That I was wrong? [ALL] But not a crime! [SNAPE] I loathed Harry Potter more than I can possibly say. He was a real troublesome brat... reckless... a Gryffindor. But he trouble. He was always trying to break the rules. He'd go out every night looking for new ways of mischief and on the way he found The Philosopher’s Stone, The Chamber of Secrets, The Prisoner of Azkaban, The Goblet of Fire and The Order of the Phoenix. I guess you can say he was expelled because of disciplinary differences. He saw himself as in school and I saw him out. [ALL] He had it coming He had it coming He only had Himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha You would Have done The same! [ALL] The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum [DRACO, MILLICENT, SNAPE] He had it comin' [BLAISE, CRABBE/GOYLE, PANSY] He had it comin' [DRACO, MILLICENT, SNAPE] He had it comin' [BLAISE, CRABBE/GOYLE, PANSY] He had it comin' [DRACO, MILLICENT, SNAPE] He had it comin' [BLAISE, CRABBE/GOYLE, PANSY] He had it comin' [DRACO, MILLICENT, SNAPE] All along [BLAISE, CRABBE/GOYLE, PANSY] All along [DRACO, MILLICENT, SNAPE] 'Cause if He used us [BLAISE, CRABBE/GOYLE, PANSY] 'Cause if He used us [DRACO, MILLICENT, SNAPE] And He abused us [BLAISE, CRABBE/GOYLE, PANSY] And He abused us [DRACO, MILLICENT, SNAPE] How could you tell us [BLAISE, CRABBE/GOYLE, PANSY] How could you tell us That we were wrong? [ALL] He had it coming He had it coming He only had Himself To blame. If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha You would Have done The same! [DRACO (Spoken)] You break that rule one more time! [MILLICENT (spoken)] Expelled, my wand! [CRABBE/GOYLE (Spoken)] Ten times! [PANSY (Spoken)] Fatus Puer-Qui-Vivebat [BLAISE (Spoken)] Not even seventeen [SNAPE (Spoken)] Disciplinary differences. [ALL] I betcha you would have done the same The End (finally) Or is it...(yes, it is) [thecleric007]
(1) Hippogriff MOM Classification:XXX A hippogriff is the result of a mating between a griffin and mare; its hind is that of a horse, and a raptor in the front. The transition between feathers and hair is smooth, with a coat that can be a varirty of colors, including stormy gray, bronze, pinkish roan, gleaming chestnut and ink black. They're proud creatures that don't take well to insults, so it is important to treat any hippogriff with a certain amount of respect. It seems to have originated in Greece or somewhere in the Mediterranean Basin. (2) Doppleganger MOM Classification: XXX The etymology of this creature gives information on what the creature is known for; "doppleganger" is German for "double goer." Dopplegangers themselves are not terribly harmful, though they do like to follow people around. Though they don't cause harm themselves, they're not considered directly dangerous because they do not harm anyone. However, seeing one's body double means death is imminent for the observer, and though Doppleganger is not dangerous, danger and death like to keep it company. (3) Red Cap MOM Classification: XXX Red caps are malevolent goblins that are easily distinguishable by their red hats and fiery eyes. These nasty little creatures like to lurk wherever there has been bloodshed: in the dungeons of castles and in the foxholes of deserted battlefields. They lie waiting to bludgeon those who had gotten lost. Their hats are red because they dip them in the blood of their victims. They are known for living in castles and watchtowers along the English-Scottish border, though they are constantly on the move to avoid detection. They have sharp eagle's talons with which they kill humans. Like any goblin, all that is needed to repel a red cap is the use of holy words. (4) Kappa MOM Classification: XXXX Kappas are aquatic creatures that look like scaly monkeys with beaks. They inhabit ponds and rivers throughout Japan, and are distinguished by liquid-filler craters on their heads, rimmed with a bush of spiky hair. They have been known to strangle unsuspecting waders in their ponds, but will engage in more impish activities such as pulling up women's dresses and loudly letting out gas. (5) Niffler MOM Classification: XXX Nifflers are fluffy black creatures with long snouts. Their front paws are flat and spade-shaped, excellent for digging. They are often found in mines, searching around for sparkly objects. Nifflers are excellent at digging, and can move through dirt as if it was water. The are efficient at locating precious metals and coins buried in the earth. [Gaeri]
The Harry/Cho relationship is defintly dead, despite that people think it could resurface. Cho might still like Harry but he's completely over her. The possibility of Harry still getting together with Ginny is still very probable. She's apparently dating his roomate now and they became quite closer in the 5th book. And even though Ginny says she's over him, there's still a chance she could still like him. Ron and Hermione is the most obvious pairing I see in the next books. JKR has been building up to them from day one, the only thing we have to worry about is if they're going to hook up in the next book or if we have to struggle through another one with them still fighting. The Ginny/Draco relationship that has been speculated on for a few yeasr is a nice thought, but is probably way too off base for Rowling to accomplish. She's made no sign of softening Draco up and until she does, we can safely say he won't be getting near Ginny any time soon. Ron and Luna pairing up would seem like a good deal if Hermione wasn't in the picture. so while Hermione's still here, I give this relationship two thumbs down becuase there's no way Luna's going to replace Hermione. <Eowyn Jade>
Harry Potter - After his defeat of the Dark Wizard, Voldemort, Harry went on to become head of the Auror division on the Ministry of Magic, having graduated from the Auror Academy at the top of his class. He went on to marry his old childhood friend, Ginny Weasley, when he was 22 years old and they were blessed with one son which they names James Arthur Potter. Harry was offered several times the opportunity to be Minister of Magic, but he loved his job to much to leave. Through his career, Harry was awarded the Order of Merlin, FirstClass, over 20 times in his work against tracking down the last of Voldemort's followers. He still keeps in good contact with his two best friends from his Hogwarts days, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger-Weasley. After his retirement from the ministry when he was 45 years old, harry went back to his old school to accept the position of Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. His wife, Ginny, also works at the school as the Charms Professor. Draco Malfoy - One of the key characters in the war against the Dark Lord Voldemort, draco Malfoy might as wellbe as know jsut as much as Hary Potter. Accused of being a death eater since before he could talk, Draco tried to get out of hs fathers shadow during his last years at Hogwarts but all he managed to do was turn more and more over to the dark side. mear weeks before the final battle between Harry and Voldemort, Draco confessed his crimes to Dumbledore and began giving the Order of the Pheniox valuable information that was a crucial ingrediant in the downfall of Voldemort. After the war, which he bairly survived, Draco settles down in bachelorhood and stayed at the school as the transfiguration teacher when McGonagall became headmaster after Dumbledore died. To this day he still lives a quite life, staying out of the public's eye, a public that probably doesn't know how much they are indebted to this literal son of a death eater. Ginny Weasley - Not neccesarrily a well know figure, despite her marrige to the infamous Hary Potter, Ginny Weasley did her best to stay out of the public's eye and try top live her life and raise her family as a normal person would. She began dating Harry Potter towards the end of her 7th year, about 5 months before Harry went up against Voldemort for the last time. Ginny and her brother Ron, with his fiance Hermione Granger were key characters in Voldemort's downfall, but while the others stayed in the spotlight, Ginny preferred to stay at home. She was able to do just that when he was offered the position of Charms professor when she was only 25 years old. A year later she took a short absence to give birth to hers and harry's son. Ginny took great pride in the only child she would ever be able to have and tried to let him grow up in as normal a life as ever. Ever since her huband has joined her at teaching in Hogwarts, you would never find Mrs. Potter happier. <Eowyn Jade>
Her name was Victoria Sparrow, a retired Auror who spent the greater portion of her life in service to the Ministry of Magic. Her retirement plan was to teach at Hogwarts for several years, but unfortunately, a poorly aimed curse from one of her first years managed to remove all her teeth with no way to reverse the spell. Unable to carry on casual conversations or any conversations at all, Sparrow left the school and went back to her house to live out her retirement alone. <Eowyn Jade>
A highly renowned wizard since his defeat of the Dark Lord Grindelwauld, Dumbledore surprised everyone by going back to Hogwarts to teach. Under the leadership of Headmaster Dippit, Dumbledore was well liked by all and was the obvious choice for headmaster when Dippit passed away almost 10 years after Dumbledore had begun teaching at the school. <Eowyn Jade>
I do not agree with this speculation. A passage from the OotP chapter, The Woes of Mrs Weasley, provides one piece of evidence: "No one would have made me a prefect, I spent too much time in detention with James. Lupin was the good boy, he got the badge." - Sirius Black As prefects are chosen from each house, rather than just from the year, as Head Boy and Girl are, and we know James was in Gryffindor, we know that Sirius and Lupin were too. As for Peter, I believe he was also a Gryffindor, even if he did not display Gryffindor traits. The Marauders are always portrayed as the closest of friends - which would be hard if you didn’t have many classes together, or reside in the same dormitory. We have seen evidence in all the Harry Potter books that groups of friends are generally in the same house. Madam Rosmerta, in PoA, referred to Peter as "that fat little boy who was always tagging after [James and Sirius] at Hogwarts." It would be hard to ‘always [tag] after [James and Sirius]’ if he was in Hufflepuff, or any other house for that matter. This theory also places too much emphasis on traits being what decides the house you are placed in. Dumbledore himself tells us that it is our choices that make us what we are. Peter might not have had courage or been noble, but given that he ‘Hero-worshipped’ James and Sirius (McGonagall -PoA), we know that Gryffindor traits are ones he wished for. Neville is proof that people who want Gryffindor traits can be in the house. The sorting hat would have put him in Gryffindor because he wanted to be there, as it did with Harry and Hermione. <littlejedi>
Discovered back in the Middle ages on the far continent of America (which was, at this time, still unknown to muggles but already settled by many wizards) elves were rescued by several Ministry wizards from their slavery to several tribes of muggle nutters natives who used the elves as a type of treasured meat. These creatures, while possessing their own form of powerful magic, never quite knew how to control their powers and were often to clumsy to escape the muggle’s traps for them. The band of Wizards who rescued them were able to round up the entire population in just a few days. Brining the entire population of elves back to Europe, the wizards were able to help the elves learn how to use their magical power and they soon became a dominate species in the magical community. Upon reaching the shore of Europe, the elves at once swore their eternal allegiance to wizard kind and claimed that they would always be in their debt. Despite many wizard’s protests, the elves managed to draw up a magical contract which bonded them to serve wizards for the rest of their existence. Changing their names to “house elves”, which they thought quainter for servant life, the elves continue, to this day, to serve wizards. Though their numbers are increasingly shorter than ever, their spirit to serve and pay back their debt has not gone out. <Eowyn Jade>
Remus Lupin - Growing up as a member of a highly influential family of the Wizarding community, but an only child, Remus had a lonely childhood. Wandering into the woods by his home was his favotire afternoon activity and his childish wanderings led him to recieveing his wearwolf bite at the young age of 10. Devestated now that he would not be allowed to attend Hogwarts, Remus pulled away from his family and from magic itself, determined not to ever be anyone’s pain after seeing the disappointment in his parent’s eyes. Luckily, that year Dumbledore became headmaster at Hogwarts and heard of the Lupin family’s problem. Certin precautions were taken and Remus was able to attend Hogwarts as a normal child, or as normal as he could ever become. Making friends with the highly rambunctious Sirius Black and James Potter, Remus also found another quiet boy to enter their circle by the name of Peter Pettigrew. The mastermind of the group, Remus kept his top student status in the school, but couldn’t rise to anything more than a prefect because of his health problems. His years at Hogwarts were some of the best ever and after graduation he decided to try and handle a quiet job in the ministry of magic. Unfortunately, his 'handicap' was very well known and finding a job was difficult. Remus’ life spiraled downward and hit rock bottom when Lily and James were murdered on that fateful Halloween night. Sirius was then sentenced to Azkaban, Peter was murdered and Remus was left alone once again. His parents, who had been murdered 3 weeks before, had left him a substantial amount of money to live on for the next several years of his life. Moving from desperate job to desperate job with no hope in sight, Remus was once again alone and desolate. The only spark of hope that came to him was when he found out that Lily and James’ son would be attending his 3rd year of Hogwarts, and Dumbledore offered him a teaching position. Arthur Weasley - Born into a quite poor family, Arthur grew up with no more than a knut to his name, 3 sisters and 4 brothers. Being the oldest, Arthur was first to enter Hogwarts and through his kindness and humor and intelligence rose quickly to becoming head boy. During his 7th year, Arthur got well acquainted with Molly Atchley, a fellow Gryffindor who up to that point, he had not noticed much. They started courting right after their graduation ceremony, and Molly proved quite the flirt, which embarrassed Arthur, but at the same time, intrigued him. As he found himself falling more and more in love, he worried about how he would support his family if he was to marry. Finally after months of waiting, Arthur was accepted into the ministry in the misuse of Muggle artifacts office. 2 years after graduation, they married and settled down in Arthur’s old family home of 'The Burrow' and began raising their family together. Sirius Black - The youngest and in his mothers words 'foulest' of the black children, Sirius grew up in a depressing home, never being able to live up to his mother’s standards and never being able to be quite as perfect as his older brother Regulus. Hogwarts quickly became Sirius’ refuge as he befriended James potter who was almost as rambunctious as he was. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew soon joined in the friendship and Sirius was the one to suggest that they call themselves 'The Marauders'. The handsome one, Sirius’ role in the group was to purposely get in trouble, a role he shared with James as both of them competed on getting the most detentions ever for a student. Upon graduation (Sirius had won the competition by one detention which he received on the last day for throwing a blueberry pie in Severus Snape’s face), the boys still remained great friends. Sirius chose to follow James into the Auror division and completed his training with James 2 years after they graduated. He was best man for James’ wedding to Lily Evans and was declared Godson to their firstborn son, Harry. Being the closest friend of the family, Sirius was made their secret keeper when James and Lily went into hiding. Fearing more for his friends’ lives than his own, Sirius convinced them one night to switch to Peter. The rest, of course, is history. <Eowyn Jade>
GODRIC GRYFFINDOR: Godric was one of the four founders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - with the proud Gryffindor house being named after him. He believed that two of the best traits in any witch or wizard were bravery and dignity, and so took those that he saw displaying those traits into his house. His favorite animal was the lion, which is why the lion is the mascot of his house. SEAMUS FINNIGAN: This Irish-born wizard attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and shared a dormitory with Harry Potter. Although he did doubt Potter’s reports of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s return, he did come around earlier than many to join Dumbledore’s Army in his fifth year of school. His worst fear is banshees, and is an avid supporter of the Kenmare Kestrals. DEAN THOMAS: This muggle-born boy attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and shared a dormitory with Harry Potter. He was one of the original members of Dumbledore’s Army, which later expanded to take both adults and other students to fight against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Dean is a talented artist, and an enthusiastic fan of the soccer (a Muggle sport) team, West Ham United. NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM: Neville is the son of Frank and Alice Longbottom, famous and well-liked Aurors, born in 1980. A Gryffindor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Neville might not have appeared brave to many, but he was one of the original members of Dumbledore’s Army and fought in, and survived, the legendary Department of Secrets battle in 1996. Neville is particularly adept at Herbology and has a pet toad named Trevor. <littlejedi>
001 <littlejedi>