Saga The Galactic Correspondent (RR, new writers welcome) | Prompt 10 up! 15-30 June 2015

Prompt 4 is up! The deadline is 31 March 2015. It covers DVD chapters 6-8: Jar Jar Binks – Otoh Gunga – Boss Nass (from 00:11:19 to 00:17:14)

Remember to include the following information in your post:
Publication title: (e.g. Awesome Newspaper)
Article title: (e.g. “Funny or not-so-funny title”)
By-line: (e.g. “by Fareed Blitzer-Kristof in Coruscant”)
... and whatever else you think is relevant.

 

Eagerly awaiting the Gungan article!

 

Nyota's Heart - you might get more than you bargained for. I was reading RFFAMAs and...had an idea.
_____________________________________________

[live holostream]

Pollo Dorks: "MY APOLOGISEN FOR INTERUPTEN. UNA NUTSEN KNOCKED MY OVER AND DEN SAVEN TWO BOYOS' LIVES. MESA GOING TO INTERVIEWEN HISA NOW..."

[Pollo Dorks tries to get an interview from Jar Jar Binks and the Jedi, but ends up having to run away from the invasion together with them. The holostream cuts for a bit.]

"WESA ESCAPEN DE MACHINEEKS!!! MY THINKEN THOSE DUEY BOYOS, DEYSA JEDI KNIGHTS! AND MY STEPPEN IN DUDU. AND NUTSEN APPARENTLY DE BANISHED JAR JAR BINKS. DEYSA HEADEN PER OTOH GUNGA, MY FOLLOW! MY NEEDEN A NEW HOLOCAMERA BOIE. I REPEAT. MY NEEDEN A NEW HOLOCAMERA BOIE, DIS BEEN A GOOD TELO!"

[As the Jedi and Jar Jar swim their way to Otoh Gunga, Pollo follows them, but forgets to turn off his connection, so thousands of Gungans are traumatised by loud gurgling. Luckily, his equipment is water proof. Once in the underwater city, he goes about pestering the Jedi again.]

Pollo Dorks: "HEYO, HEYO, JEDI BOIE, MESA REPORTAD FO OTOH GUNGA DAILY. WHY YOU HERE?"

Qui-Gon Jinn: "I said this to Jar Jar Binks, now I am repeating it: the ability to...."

[A screaming female Gungan in a flared cobalt blue skirt with a little bantha patch on it, a hot pink top and 17 pairs of hoop earings runs towards the Jedi Padawan.]

Female Gungan: "JEDI BOIE, JEDI BOIE!!!! WAITSEN!!!"

Obi-Wan: "Um...at your service, m'lady?!"

Female Gungan: "THERE BEESA ROMANCE IN DIS TELO??? LOTSE ROMANCE? WITH FLOWERS? ROMANCE DA BOMBAD..."

[Obi-Wan gives his newest fan a blank stare, as Qui-Gon's mimicking basically instruct him not to engage.]

Pollo Dorks: "YOUSA GET OUTSA NOW, DISA LIVE! OUTLAUNDEREN GONNA GET BOMBAD! "

[Jar Jar Binks kneels to observe the bantha patch on the female Gungan's outfit, manages to trip on his own tongue and fall over both other Gungans. Live holostream cuts out again. Meanwhile, the extra holocameraman arrives and the whole situation is visible from another angle, as Pollo Dorks calmly gets up, with some earings suddenly in his ears.]

Pollo Dorks: "JAR JAR AND HISA PALOS NOW GONEN TO SEE BOSS NASS. MESA FOLLOW..."

[Two guards block their way in front of Pollo. He shrugs, removes some of the earnings and places in on their ears. They let him pass.]

Boss Nass (to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan): "YOUSA CANNOT BEES HEAR."

Pollo Dorks: "OKIEDAY!"

[Pollo Dorks, convinced the Gungan leader was talking to him, gets out of the palace.]

DEYSA DALEE BUT MESA CANNOT BEES DEAR. MY THINKEN DEYSA JEDI NOWSA GOING TO TALKEN BOUT SKEEBEETLE AND MACHINEEKS. ALL-N YOUSE WAITEN WHILE MY USEN HOLONET AND READSEN WHATSA FINDEN CORUWHATCHAMACALL IT, OKIEDAY?

[Live holostream cuts to an ad for a reality show, "MY LOVEN YOUSA, BUT MY CHOSEN ANTEETER." Pollo is back halfway through it.]

HEYEEE, DIRECTOR, MY WATCHEN DAT! HOW WUDE! *cough* CORUWHATCHAMANCALLIT HAS NOTHING ON DIS. MY WRITEN DA TELO MYSELF...INTERVIEWEN JEDI BOYOS AND JAR JAR AGEN.

[Behind Polo, a tribuble bongo is seen leaving Otoh Gunga. He pulls an uncomfortable facial expression. Live holostream is interrupted again.]

 

Terrific!

 

From page four of The Judicial Record, intended for internal circulation only:

AN ANALYSIS OF TRADE FEDERATION GROUND VEHICLES: STRENGTHS, TACTICS AND WEAKNESSES
by Almonin deSait-Exubre

Like many droid armies, that fielded by the Trade Federation includes a number of support vehicles including the single-trooper aerial platform (STAP), the armored assault tank (AAT), and heavy delivery mechanisms for the combat droids themselves such as the multi-troop transport (MTT). Each was designed to fulfill a primary function, as well as a number of secondary purposes depending on the vehicle itself. STAPs, designed for reconnaissance and forward scouting, can also be used for patrol duties and mopping-up operations; it's best to take them out as soon as you detect them. ATTs, with their laser cannons and shielded hulls, provide the punch necessary to achieve a breakthrough as well as direct fire support for the infantry, mobile security for entrenched positions, and anti-vehicle firepower; these are best left to our own repulsor tanks, however they are ill-suited for urban environments. The multi-troop transport requires STAPs and ATTs to provide the bulk of its security; though it is shielded and armored, it has minimal defensive firepower intended only to keep the Federation's enemies at bay while it deploys its cargo. All of these vehicles are droid-piloted, with the Federation preferring to employ a variant of their standard battle droid model rather than fully-autonomous and -integrated droid brains.

Beyond these three main types of vehicles, the Federation also employs a model of heavy destroyer droid, designed by the Colicoids of Colla IV and not unlike them in appearance. These droids, equipped with a deflector shield and two double blaster cannons, one on each arm, are extremely dangerous both on the broader battlefield and as armed security enforcers. Capable of folding themselves into and out of a spheroid shape, they move about the battlefield in a unique fashion: by rolling toward their foe to achieve the best firing position for maximum effect. Should you encounter one of these "droideka" models and are forced to fight, your best chance to eliminate them is to open fire as they transform into their fighting positions; they are also vulnerable when collapsing into their mobile states, though a rolling droideka is very heavily armored and still best avoided. Should you find yourself forced to engage a deployed droideka, all I can say is that I hope you brought a thermal detonator.

Aside from this destroyer model, Federation droids and vehicles, and the tactics employed in their deployment and use are fairly straightforward. As a consequence of their nature, modern droid armies are strong collectively, but weak individually, and rely on remote operation from a centralized control center. On top of that, as I have stated in previous articles the Neimoidians themselves prefer not to get involved in protracted conflicts. The most important thing to remember should you be deployed to Naboo—or to any other world—against the Federation, is to keep a cool head. While it remains to be seen what course the Senate and Supreme Chancellor decide upon as the Federation pursues its agenda in the Chommel sector, the Judicial Department must be ready to mobilize at a moment's notice. It is my belief that the best attitude to have in the present situation is one of constant vigilance.

 

Excellent details Goodwood - very accurate and concise about the strengths and weaknesses of confronting a droideka Also see the mindset of the Memoidians as well as to what weapons they use.

 

Thanks, Nyota's Heart. After seeing Qui-Gon dispatch those two STAPs in the prompt video, I knew there was a decent angle there...as it happened, that was the only thing I could think of that could legitimately be incorporated into a response from Mr. deSait-Exubre.

 

A few (very late) reviews from me.

@SabyneAmberle Does Farla have *any* qualities at all? She is just so hilariously exasperating. This:

... was the cherry on the cake for me!

@Ewok Poet I don't know what sort of hallucinogenic mushrooms you people have in Serbia but there's a business opportunity there. Seriously:

How does one come up with such a mental image?

Goodwood I had vague plans to write an analysis of the Federation's army for the Droid Tech Journal but you preempted me. Mr deSait-Exubre is spot-on, as usual. I also really enjoy his wry sense of humour:

As a side question, do you picture him as British or American? I find that there's something very British in the way you write him.

 

Chyntuck Yes, he's definitely more British (well, his namesake was French actually), and would appreciate such sentiments as Keep Calm and Carry On.

 

(Reserved for prompt 4 entries sent after the deadline)

 

Prompt 5 is up! The deadline is 14 April 2015. It covers DVD chapters 9-10: The Planet Core – Invasion of Theed (from 00:17:14 to 00:22:25)

Remember to include the following information in your post:
Publication title: (e.g. Awesome Newspaper)
Article title: (e.g. “Funny or not-so-funny title”)
By-line: (e.g. “by Fareed Blitzer-Kristof in Coruscant”)
... and whatever else you think is relevant.

PS: Sorry for the late post, yesterday was a very long day and I forgot

 

Jedi Circular - Calionna Farrell

In trying to contact our Jedi team, we have gotten a garbled transmission in reply. The rumors circulating via other Net sources are scarcely to be trusted, being three parts speculation and two parts exaggeration, so says Mace Windu and Adi Gallia. Shaak Ti and Aayla Secura are tactfully silent, whereas Yoda is merely cryptic again. "Always in motion the future is." He tells me. Meditating doesn't seem to be helping either. The Padawans and initiates are as full of speculation as the official HoloNet channels.

Part of the garble in the transmission came from some peculiar being named Jar Jar Binks ... who and what he may be in this whole morasse is anyone's guess.

 

I've wracked my brains pretty hard and, nearly a week on, I just cannot pull something suitable from the current prompt.

Sorry folks.

 

From page 12 of Die Coruscanter Allgemeine – Letters to the editor

Dear Sir,

It is with dismay that I read in a recent edition of your newsflimsi that the military forces of the Trade Federation, which I have the honour to represent in the Galactic Senate, have invaded the sovereign world of Naboo.

As those of your readers who are also familiar with the Banking Times will know, the Trade Federation has played an invaluable role in the development of interstellar trade for more than three hundred standard years. Our good services led the Galactic Senate to grant us representation as a functional constituency ninety-one years ago, and it is with great pride that I hold this seat today.

Any and all claims that the Trade Federation has broken the laws of the Galactic Republic are slander resulting from baseless rumours started by a number of criminal groups who seek to threaten the safety of hyperspace lanes. One would expect a newsflimsi of the quality of Die Coruscanter Allgemeine to investigate the source of such defamatory and offensive remarks rather than reproduce unfounded accusations as fact.

It is my hope that you will take all necessary measures to publish a correction to your previous lead article, whose damage to our reputation can unfortunately not be undone.

Best regards,

Senator Lott Dod of the Trade Federation

 

Chyntuck - excellent! Spot-on tone for such a curt reaction.

 

From page 13 of Die Coruscanter Allgemein — Op-Ed section

Citizens of the Republic,

I would wonder who among us doubts the existence of vast droid armies in the service of an organization that styles itself a trading franchise? Is it not a matter of established fact that the Trade Federation blockaded the peaceful planet of Naboo with dozens of their battleships—each of which contains many many battle droids and support vehicles?

My friends, I served as a starfighter pilot during the Stark Incident twelve years ago, and can therefore attest to the machinations of interstellar war, and how "trade federations" can profit from it. It is with dismay that I see printed in the very pages of one of the Republic's most respected newsflimsis what amounts to a sniveling litany of excuses. While piracy has been on the rise, did we not sit back and allow entities such as the Trade Federation, the Corporate Sector Authority, the Techno Union, and other franchises, build up standing forces capable of wresting control of entire sectors?

I ask you, fellow citizens, to what end could such a course lead us, if not to actions such as that which has befallen Naboo?

I visited Naboo three years ago; its capital, Theed, is one of the jewels of the Republic in its elegance, charm, and more importantly, the tradition of meritocracy and selflessness that the Naboo themselves have cultivated. Such an antithesis to the Federation I cannot imagine.

The Senator's assertion that the invasion his constituency is undertaking is false is as hollow as his claims that the Federation played "an invaluable role" in establishing galactic commerce. History tells us that the Republic has traded peacefully for a thousand generations, but more importantly, current developments are indisputable. A simple look through the Baobab Interstellar Telescopic Array will tell you anything you want to know.

I can only hope that the Senate pulls itself from its current mire of procedure and acts upon this indisputable evidence.

Sincerely,
Almonin deSait-Exubre

 

I am going to catch up on this. I think this is brilliant!

 

Goodwood - brilliant response/rebuttal. It would seem that in any galaxy those in elected offices like to muddle the facts.

 

This was Chyntuck 's idea, in response to my dearth of suitable responses to the prompt... ...glad it seems to have worked!

 

[live holostream]

DEYSA SAYEN, "ISA FISH EAT FISH WORLD". MY AGREE. IN MOOLE FEAR, MY FORGETTEN WHATSA MESA HERE FO, BECAUSE THERE BEESA UNA FISH ALMOST EATEN SOME BONGO. DEN THERE BEESA UNA MOAR FISH EATEN DA OTHER FISH AND DEN...OYL, MOOLE, MOOLE, TANK YOU, GODS, MESA ALIVE, ANOTHAAR FISH ARRIVEN!

FROM MESA NO KNOWEN WHEAR, FO DA GUNGAN ALLGEMEINE CIRCULAR, FAR...ERR, POLLO DORKS

[end holostream]

Spoiler

Yes, he steals others' new so much that he started mixing up his publication's name with others.

 

Just the usual gentle reminder that the deadline for prompt 5 entries is tomorrow 14 April -- I'll be reserving a post for late entries before I upload the next prompt on Wednesday morning.

------------------------------------------

And now a few quick reviews.

Nyota's Heart I loved how your little snippet conveys the atmosphere of concern and rumours inside the Jedi Temple. And then this:

Goodwood That was some strong-worded reply by Mr Almonin to that (slimy) Lott Dod! How in the Galaxy did you come up with the "Baobab Interstellar Telescopic Array"? Don't tell me you found that idea somewhere on KotOR!

Welcome to the madness We'll be delighted to have a new addition to the hive mind.



Ewok Poet Wow, Pollo sure is some intrepid reporter if he followed the Jedi and Jar Jar into the Core... but the poor thing seems to have lost it a bit there. I hope he doesn't get eaten

 

Actually, Chyntuck, the idea came from a couple of sci-fi sources—the idea of using FTL data transmission to set up a type of telescope whose objective lens can be the size of an entire star system. As for the name, look up "Baobab" on the Wook...

 

(Reserved for prompt 5 entries sent after the deadline)