Before the Saga Adrift in An Ocean of Love (Avar Kriss/Elzar Mann Spoonfuls of Mush Drabbles-High Republic Era))

Title: Adrift in an Ocean of Love

Author: devilinthedetails

Characters: Avar Kriss; Elzar Mann

Genre: Romance; Drama; Mush

Timeline: Before the Saga-High Republic Era.

Summary: Drabbles of the love, mush, and drama Avar Kriss and Elzar Mann share through the years.

Author's Note: Written for the "Spoonfuls of Mush" in the Monday Mush Mania thread. Each chapter will have a set of drabbles.

Surprise (or Ocean Waves in His Heart)

A Jedi should be able to hide surprise, but Elzar wasn’t a full Jedi yet. He was only a Padawan. That was why he couldn’t hide his surprise when Avar kissed him. Her lips were softer than he’d imagined in his forbidden dreams of what kissing her would be like.

It shouldn’t be such a surprise that she would kiss him. Padawans fell into these prohibited romances all the time, drawn by the same attraction that kept moons in orbit around their planets, but this love felt deeper even than that gravity. It felt like ocean waves in his heart.

Present (or Seashell Song)

The first present Elzar received from Avar, a seashell with spirals of blue and green, was remembered and treasured above all others.

He could feel the rough sand clinging to its curves when he rubbed his fingers along it and smell the salt upon it when he lifted it to his nose. When he pressed it to his ear, he could hear the echo of Avar’s voice, telling him he could carry the ocean with him everywhere he brought the shell. That meant he also had Avar with him wherever he carried the shell, an endless ocean voice inside him.

Together Forever (or Impossible Attachment)

“I want us to be together forever.” Elzar held onto Avar’s hand as a drowning man might grip a piece of sinking driftwood. “I don’t want us to ever be apart.”

“We can’t be.” Avar shook her head, but she didn’t let go of Elzar’s hand. “It’s impossible for us to be so attached, Elzar. The Order forbids it.”

“As if the Order’s prohibitions are the limits on what is possible.” Elzar snorted. “As if the Order’s restrictions can make our feelings disappear like water vapor.”

“The Order’s prohibitions are my limits, Elzar.” Avar did release his hand. “Understand that.”

Occasion (or Impromptu Water Party)

“Welcome to Jedi Knighthood!” Elzar crept up behind Avar on the path beside the lake at the Temple on Coruscant and shoved her into the water, laughing as he watched her sputter like a broken fountain. “Let’s celebrate the occasion!”

He leapt in after her, smiling as she arched an eyebrow at him. “Celebrate how?”

“With an impromptu water party.” He pushed a stream of water at her face in an invitation to start a water fight. “How else?”

“I could think of many other ways.” She shot a jet of water at him. “Like a sedate glass of wine.”

Just Because (Water and Music)

“Why did you ever love me?” Elzar asked Avar.

Avar’s answer was one he never could’ve anticipated. “Why did you ever love me?”

“Just because you’re you.” Elzar fumbled for words to describe his love and discovered he couldn’t find them. “You feel like the water in the ocean of my Force.”

“It’s the same for me.” Avar grinned at him, and he noticed she spoke of the present, not the past. “You’re the melody, the beat, to the song the Force sings to me.”

Water and music, the rhythm of ocean crashing on shore, that was what they were.

 

@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha As always, thank you so much for your kind comments!I'm so glad that you loved Present or Seashell Song because my heart melted writing about the first gift that Avar ever got for Elzar and it seemed like such a perfect gift for Elzar too since it was ocean-themed. I enjoyed having Elzar sort of push against the limits and restrictions the Order wants to put on what is possible, and I think there is definitely some real truth to what he says about the Order not being able to really limit what the Jedi feel especially when it comes to an emotion as powerful as love. The playfulness of the water fight was very fun to write especially after the heavier, more philosophical piece that preceded it and I did love how much emotion and love could be simply expressed in Just Because so it makes me super happy to know that was a highlight for you too.

@earlybird-obi-wan Thank you so much for commenting!I'm so glad that you loved all these, and it is amazing how many of my favorite pairings involve one or more Jedi!

@brodiew Thank you so much for commenting!I'm so happy that you found this story and grateful that you took the time to review! I got a really peaceful sort of feeling writing these drabbles so it is awesome to know that you found them lovely. First kisses are always interesting to write, and it makes me so pleased that you liked the innocence of this one. Avar's assertion that the Order's limits are hers did sort of make my heart break to write because I love these two togetherBut their simple descriptions of love at the end totally warmed my heart to write, and I'm so glad that were moving for you as well!

@mayo_durron_666 Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment!I'm so happy that you enjoyed all these, and that you loved the kiss, the present, the tension from the Jedi prohibitions, the water fight, and the final admittance of love at the end. So glad that you found this well done and I hope that you'll love the next set of drabbles just as much!

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Never Be Warm Again

“I feel like I’ll never be warm again.” Avar’s thoughts echoed in Elzar’s head. They sat side by side, palms outstretched over the fire in the hearth of the wintry Jedi outpost where they’d both been assigned with their Masters.

Her words were clear and sharp in his mind. Clear and sharp as if she’d spoken them aloud for that was her gift: that she could talk as though speaking aloud in anyone’s mind.

Elzar felt the cold, but he also knew that he would always feel warm inside as long as she was there to speak in his mind.

Fuzzy Slippers

Elzar smiled as he watched Avar glide her bare feet into the fluffy pink slippers he had bought her from one of Coruscant’s millions of bustling malls with an almost feline grace.

“They’re so fuzzy.” There was something almost feline too about the way that Avar’s eyes shut as she luxuriated in the softness of her new slippers. “And they fit just right. How did you know I’d want these?”

Elzar laughed, marveling at the fuzzy feeling inside himself that he couldn’t name because it was forbidden between two Jedi. “Because I always hear you complaining about your sore feet.”

Too Sweet

“Taste and tell me what you think.” Elzar held out a silver spoonful of teal Nevarro cookie batter to Avar.

“Sweet.” Avar’s mouth pinched and her eyes widened at Elzar’s latest culinary misadventure. “Too sweet I’d say. How much sugar did you put in?”

“About twice as much as I should.” Elzar winced at his own tendency to rush through recipes, ruining what would’ve been perfectly delectable desserts. “I confused the sugar and the flour, I’m afraid.”

“You should restart.” Avar took another scoop of batter for all she’d said it was too sweet. “You messed up the cooking chemistry.”

Cute Baby

“Babies are so cute, aren’t they?” Avar stared at the baby boy strapped to his mother’s back in the crowded marketplace with what Elzar could only describe as wistfulness and naked longing for everything a Jedi could never have. “With their big heads, soft eyes, and sucking thumbs.”

“Don’t see what’s so special about them.” Elzar strove for gruffness. “They just sleep, spit, and poo.”

“If I weren’t a Jedi--” the words seemed to catch in Avar’s throat-- “I could have my own.”

And if he weren’t a Jedi, he could have one with her. Not that he wanted one.

Snuggled Thick as Plotting Space Pirates

When Avar found him huddled beneath a blanket in the aftermath of another argument with the Council, he wordlessly lifted the blanket so she could snuggle against him. He felt safe and secure when she snuggled beside him like this. Flashbacks of the two of them wrapped in blankets as Padawans and younglings exploded like fireworks in his memory.

Avar too must have been recalling all the times they’d snuggled like this across the years, because she murmured, breath hot in his ear, “Our Masters used to say we were thick as plotting space pirates when we snuggled like this.”

 

@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha As always, thank you so much for commenting! I must admit that I have a real soft spot for fuzzy slippers as well. In fact, Avar's fuzzy pink slippers may be inspired by my current favorite pair of fluffy pink slippers given to me this Christmas The cookie dough story made me grin as I was writing it, but you're totally right. Once you taste it, there is no going back. And the cute baby did warm my heart as cute babies always do.

@earlybird-obi-wan Thank you so much for commenting!Fuzzy slippers can definitely be cute, and sometimes amusing when worn by someone who can't find their own pair of slippers. I definitely eat too much cookie dough whenever I make cookies. It is a guilty pleasure of mineAnd the last drabble brought a warm, snuggly feeling to my heart for sure.

@mayo_durron_666 Thank you so much for commenting!I'm so glad that you found this to be a great set of drabbles, and I hope you enjoy this next set just as much. It was really sweet to me how thoughtful Elzar was in getting the fuzzy slippers for Avar, and my heart did break for poor Avar when she admitted to yearning for children of her own. I could imagine that being a terrible ache for her as she longs for children the Jedi will never allow her to have. And nobody can resist a snuggle. Especially when comfort is needed. Snuggles are the best.

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Sunlight on Golden Hair

Elzar sat cross-legged on a bed of yellow sunnydew flowers in one of the Temple’s many balcony gardens, his fellow initiates lined in similar postures in front and behind him. He should’ve been focusing on the meditation lesson, but it was hard to be attentive behind Avar Kriss. He kept getting distracted by her hair the color of sunnydew flowers.

Hair that reflected like a golden mirror the radiant sunlight streaming through Coruscant’s perpetual gray haze, gleaming off a billion skytowers. Beautiful hair that made him warm as a sunbeam inside. He wasn’t distracted, he decided. Merely attentive to beauty.

Under the Skin

It was baffling how Elzar found himself so attracted to all the little things about Avar. The ocean sparkle of her clear blue eyes that made him feel as if he were drowning in a fierce undertow. The gentle glow of sunlight kissing her skin as he longed to do. The white flash of her teeth like foam on a sea when she shot him a teasing grin.

Even more baffling was the realization sharp as glass of how deeply she had gotten under his skin. How this must be the attachment and love so staunchly forbidden by the Order.

Tentative Approach

Once Elzar understood after much meditation the astonishing nature of his baffling feelings for Avar, he was tentative in approaching her. Caution wasn’t innate and instinctual to him, but compassion was, and he had no desire to create an awkward situation between them.

He never wanted to make her uncomfortable. To shatter the friendship that had existed, strong as permacrete, between them since their days in the creche. Nor did he wish to break his own heart.

Despite all his caution, his heart cracked and tears flowed from his eyes when she admitted her feelings were an echo of his.

Song of Hope

When Elzar rested his head on the soft pillow Avar’s breasts, he could hear the music of her heart beating between them. The melody of life that always made his heart swell and sing in glorious chorus with hers. The sound that made his soul dance in tune to hers like licking waves cavorting with the shore.

“You’re my song of hope,” Elzar whispered into the shell of her ear. “The sound of a life inside me that will never die.”

“Every Jedi’s song must end.” Avar’s voice was sweet with sorrow. “Only the song of the Force lasts forever.”

Curious about Love

“I used to look at couples holding hands as they walked or happy families laughing.” Avar spoke as if sharing a confession to one who could absolve any wrong. “I was curious about how this emotion of love I could hear singing between them really felt. Or how it would feel for me if I felt it. In short, I wondered what wonderful thing I was missing out on by being a Jedi.”

“And now?” Elzar felt something ripping inside him with the question.

Then Avar said the most heartbreaking and beautiful thing she could have: “And now I know.”

 

@earlybird-obi-wan Thank you so much for commenting! A lot of the drama in this collection of drabbles is definitely going to come from Avar and Elzar being in love but love being forbidden to the Jedi. A classic case of forbidden love, I suppose, and it's just so tempting to write about forbidden love sometimes. I'm so glad that you found the feelings voiced by Elzar and Avar so beautiful. I hope you'll continue to find them beautiful in this next set of drabbles!

@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha As always thank you so much for your kind words!I'm so flattered that you found the descriptions so lyrical and the emotions so poignant because that was exactly what I was hoping for. Elzar and Avar always melt my heart when I write about them, so it is nice to know that I was able to melt yours with this set too!

@brodiew Thank you so much for commenting!I'm so happy to hear that you felt I did an excellent job with these past two sets, and I hope that you enjoy this next one just as much. Drabbles have a wonderful way of forcing me to be brief and find the simplicity and heart in whatever I am trying to communicate because space is so limited and every word really has to count and carry its own weight. I end up re-writing scenes and phrases and deleting so many words when I sit down to write drabbles like this. I really have to pour over every word and pay attention to every word in a unique way. So drabbles like this definitely become a labor of love for me. It's definitely an interesting balance to try to navigate too in terms of the boundaries of the Jedi Code while also keeping the potential for love and romance between these two characters. It's sort of like walking a tight-rope in a way...

@amidalachick Thank you so much for commenting!I'm so grateful that you took the chance of reading this despite not being familiar with the era or the characters. I totally understand not being familiar with the High Republic era or characters since the High Republic stuff only started coming out this year (and I'm already addicted) but if you do want to read more about this time and era, you can meet Avar and Elzar in The Light of the Jedi book, which I highly recommend.

It's awesome to hear that you were drawn in by the title and the promise of mush. It has been a real treat to write some mush and also some drama about this couple. And it is truly flattering to hear that you found these drabbles so beautiful.

I agree the Jedi are going to still have feelings despite being attuned to the Force, and sometimes I think being attuned to the Force might even enhance feelings in certain situations. So it becomes very hard when the Jedi Code and Council seeks to impose restrictions not only on what Jedi can do but what Jedi are permitted to feel. It can become difficult and dicey to try to police anyone's feelings as it were.

The "water and music, the rhythm of ocean crashing on shore, that was what they were" line might be my favorite that I've written so far in this collection of drabbles so it was a true pleasure to see you highlight it!

I think snuggling can sometimes provide the best comfort, so it gave me a really cozy feeling to be able to celebrate that quality of closeness and comfort in drabble form.

And that section you quoted at the end was another favorite of mine, so I'm so glad that you loved it as well and were moved by it.

I really hope you continue to find my work with this couple wonderful, and thank you again for your thoughtful review!

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Watch the Waterfall

In an out-of-the-way corner in the Room of a Thousand Fountains, the pool’s cool serenity was distrubed only by a waterfall flowing into it. Staring at the water cascading over the rocks, Elzar thought the effect was hypnotic.

As captivated as he was by the waterfall, he still noticed when Avar’s robes whispered as she settled beside him.

Gazing at the water with wide ocean-blue eyes, she murmured, “I see why you like to watch waterfalls.”

Elzar couldn’t find the words to tell her he was now drowning in the reflection of her face in the pool’s broken glass surface.

The Song of Spring

“Listen to the song of spring.” Avar smiled at Elzar as they walked along a park path shaded by blossoming trees with chirping birds flitting about their overhanging branches. She gestured at the birds to make it clear it was their song she referred to. “The song of new life.”

“The song of hope.” Elzar felt a strange, hot feeling as he realized he wasn’t talking about the birds but his wish that he could be with her on this park path forever with the music of birds and the scent of flowers in the air. “The song of love.”

The Art of Seeming to Agree

“I wish.” Avar spoke in a strained voice after another one of Elzar’s heated debates with the Council. “You would learn the art of seeming to agree with the Council and then going your own way. Doing your own thing.”

“The art of deception.” The storm inside Elzar became a tempest in his eyes.

“The art of misdirection.” Avar folded her hands in the sleeves of her cloak. The posture of a marketplace charlatan or a diplomat. “The art of tact.”

“I can’t be anything but what I am.” Elzar was unable to lie to himself, her, or the Council.

Dueling Feelings

Elzar loved the feeling of dueling with Avar who knew his mind and heart as if they were her own. Who could predict his next steps and stokes surely as he could hers.

It was like dancing, he thought whenever they circled each other, panting and sweaty with lightsabers ablaze.

He savored the addictive thrill of adrenaline in his veins, the pounding pulse in his eardrums, and the salty taste of perspiration on his lips, because it allowed him to be close to Avar. To understand why so many species compared love to war, an eternal battle of the sexes.

Questioning Beliefs

“Do you believe Jedi should be allowed to marry?” Elzar’s question was strangled.

“It doesn’t matter what I believe.” Avar couldn’t seem to bear the temptation of looking at him. “It matters what the Council believes, and the Council believes Jedi shouldn’t be allowed to marry. That marriage will promote dangerous attachments and distract us from our duties.”

“I don’t care what the Council believes.” Elzar wasn’t interested in Council prohibitions. Only in Avar’s love. “I care what you believe.”

“I believe a Jedi must obey the Council. Even, or especially, when she disagrees.” A tear trickled down Avar’s cheek.

 

@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha As always, thank you so much for commenting!I'm so glad that you loved the moods of watching the waterfall because my favorite part might have been the waterfall bit because I just find waterfalls so beautiful and evocative so it was nice to be able to try to capture some of that captivating power and emotion on the page for this set of drabbles. And I like the idea of there being a song of spring that can be heard with all the sounds of birds chirping and whatnot. It's just a lovely way to think about being attuned to nature. Then there was so much drama as I sort of tortured myself with all the debate and conviction between Avar and Elzar. I suppose we just have to see it as romantic tension between the two of them but it does break my heart a little bit when they argue and when they can't be together

@earlybird-obi-wan Thank you so much for commenting!I'm so happy to hear that you loved the water and spring in addition to the more heated debate about whether or not Jedi can love! This last set definitely ran the gamut of human emotions!

@amidalachick As always, thank you for your kind words! I'm so flattered that you found this to be another beautiful set and that you felt I could capture such a wide range of emotions in a gorgeously written way.

It makes me proud that "Watch the Waterfall" was your favorite because it was probably mine as well because I have a tiny bit of an obsession with waterfalls and find they just provoke such a feeling of awe in me. So it is wonderful to hear you felt I painted a lovely scene and that you could almost hear the waterfall as you read!

It makes me so pleased, too, that you loved the beauty of the description of the song of spring, and I definitely like to think that was a very peaceful moment for Avar and Elzar to share together.

Thank you as well for picking out that dancing and dueling line. It was definitely an attempt on my part to ramp up some romantic tension between them

Thanks again for your kind words, and I hope that you enjoy this final set just as much!

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Author's Note: This will be my last chapter in this story (so yay for me, I finally finished a multi-chapter story!) because the Spoonful of Mush prompts it was based upon have come to an end. I really enjoyed writing about this couple, however, so I might very well find myself writing about them in the future if inspiration strikes and time allows! Thank you to all my readers and reviewers who helped keep me motivated to write this story as it progressed. You are all awesome

Breathholding

“I hate going underwater.” Avar sputtered out a mouthful of lake water. The Jedi Masters said hatred was just fear wearing a mask, and Elzar could feel fear radiating from her. “It stings my nose and eyes.”

“Close your eyes and hold your nose. Then they won’t sting.” Elzar patted her on the back as she coughed out more water.

“But then I won’t be able to breathe.” Avar’s eyes were wide as the lake around them.“I might drown.”

“You won’t,” Elzar assured her. “Not if you take a deep breath before you go underwater and then hold it.”

Sighing over Studying

“This is giving me a headache.” Elzar sighed, massaging his temples as he stared miserably down at the fifty-page chapter he was supposed to read for tomorrow’s galactic politics class. So far, he’d read less than five pages and could already feel his vision glazing with boredom. “I’ll never be able to read all this.”

“You won’t if you don’t stop sighing and start reading.” Avar’s focus remained on her own text.

“Reading this is useless.” Elzar heaved an even larger sigh. “I’ll never be able to understand it anyway.”

“Not with that attitude, you won’t.” Avar shook her head.

Gasping Surprise and Joy

Being with Avar felt like one long, surprised and joyful gasp. The gasp that arose when she nudged his shoulder in an invitation to laugh at a joke she’d made or that she drew from him when she gave his Padawan braid a teasing tug. The gasp that escaped his lips when she made him see something differently than he ever had before. The gasp that grew between them when their lips met in forbidden passion and desire. The gasp her touching him in unexpected places provoked. The gasp that erupted from him when her fingers trailed along his skin.

Panting Exhaustion

“You.” Avar panted like an accusation from above him as they wrestled on a sweat-soaked dojo mat in a Temple training room. “Exhaust me.”

“You could surrender,” Elzar retorted with all the breath he could spare as he attempted to thrust her off him.

“Surrender?” Avar’s body continued to pound and fight against his in this not-really-a-battle. “I don’t know what that means.”

“It means give in.” Elzar grinned impishly up at her.

“Give in? To you?” Avar’s gaze gleamed defiance, shiny as the perspiration dotting her forehead. “Don’t hold your breath for that to happen because it never will.”

Exhaling Fear

“Will you meditate with me?” Elzar asked Avar softly. Since his premonition of darkness at the Starlight Beacon dedication ceremony, it had been difficult for him to find the calm he needed to slip into meditation. “Guide me through it like a youngling?”

“Close your eyes,” instructed Avar as they sat cross-legged, knees kissing.“Center yourself in the light. Do not dwell in the dark. Inhale.”

Elzar silently sucked in a deep breath as Avar went on, “Draw in serenity from the air. Picture it swirling through your lungs and veins. Then exhale and expel all your fears and anxieties.”

 

@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha As always, thank you so much for commenting!I'm so happy that you found this to be a fantastic wrap-up of this series of drabbles since conclusions can always be a bit hard to write, and for this one, I really wanted to show and celebrate the range of emotions that had inspired this story and had pervaded it throughout, so it is wonderful to hear that you felt I succeeded with that.

Like you, I could totally sympathize with poor Elzar's misery as he struggled through the fifty page chapter. I definitely had to read too many chapters like that while getting my Master's degree, and what often made them even more difficult to get through was that they could be very redundant and often didn't need to be that long!

And I'm so glad that you found Gasping Surprise and Joy so yummy

@earlybird-obi-wan Thank you so much for commenting all throughout this story!I'm so happy to hear that you loved all these drabbles and that you appreciated the mixture of banter, action, and sweet silence I tried to include in the different drabbles!

@amidalachick Thank you so much for commenting and for the congrats on finishing! Both mean a lot to me

I'm so happy that you found the final set to be lovely.

And like you I could totally relate to poor Elzar's struggle with finishing a fifty page chapter for class. That can be torture sometimes.

It makes me super pleased to hear that you loved Gasping Surprise and Joy and that you appreciated the banter and imagery in Panting Exhaustion.

I was definitely hoping that Exhaling Fear could be that sort of serene end note for this collection of drabbles so it is wonderful to hear that it succeeded at being such a peaceful ending for you!

Thank you again for your kind words and support throughout the writing of these drabbles!