Beyond - Legends Dear Diary Challenge - 1/2 year - Where do I go next?

Shush you!

 

She does know how to smile and have fun.............she does loose it for a while though.

 

DD

So the dance is tonight! I am so excited! I've never been to a Formal Dance and I have never had a dress that looks this beautiful on me! I want to spin around in it all the time, it sparkles and I feel like royalty! I wish I had one of them little crowns, I think they call them tiara's? I want one of them one day but today, I have the tiny pins Chrissy found for me. She's put my hair on top of my head, who know my auburn mess could be tamed?!?! I've got new underwear and Chrissy even did my face up, bit of make up. I'm off to put my dress on and get ready, Trent will be here soon.

 

Its like RL, once you grow up reality bites! LOL

 

Should know by the end of the month!

 

DD

I don’t know where to start. I’m broken.

Tonight, started out as a wonderful dream, I was so happy, I’d never felt so pretty.

I’m not now, and I don’t know if I ever will be again, I’m so ugly now and sick and ...........I don't even know the words.

Trent is a liar, a filthy piece of trash who has not only used me but abused me. I didn’t tell Chrissy, I couldn’t, I’m so ashamed. He said he loved me, he lied. He said if I loved him, I’d do it, I’d do ‘it’ with him.

I’m such a fool. He doesn’t love me! He loves himself only!!! I let him take my innocence after the dance and now, in my room I am crying so hard I can hardly read what I’m writing, or breathe.

He used me.

Then he went right out and told everyone, told them all what we did, bragged like I was some sort of conquest. They were laughing at me. Oh gods, the girls were calling me names, like slut and whore, the guys were making jokes like ‘can I get a ride?’ I wanted to die; I want to die. The shame and humiliation it beyond anything.

Losing mum and dad almost destroyed me, this might just do it. I can’t go back to school; I can’t leave the house ever again. What future is there for me?

Someone said it was a bet to him, someone had bet him he couldn’t bed me.

I feel sick to my stomach.

I have thrown up but I hid all this from Chrissy. She picked me up and all I said was ‘it wasn’t what I expected’ and that’s all.

She’d think of me like the other girls did, cheap and trashy. I can’t ever tell her and Cam. I can’t ever let anyone know what happened to me.

I need to have a sanitstream, I need to scrub my body, its filthy, its dirty and I need to get the feeling of his hands off me. It was horrible, it hurt and I cried while it was happening, he just laughed. HE LAUGHED and told me to stop being a baby. How could I let him? How could I have believed his lies?

I will never trust a man again, I will never let a man touch me again, I will never let any man get close to me ever again. I will NEVER need or want a man around me.

I hate myself and I hate men. Not all, Cam is ok, but single men only have one thing on their minds, and they will never that from me, ever.

I'm done.

 

It explains so much about Addie.

 

DD

Its been a few days, I've hidden in my room mostly. The dance ended the term, so no school for two long weeks. That's not enough time for me, forever is not enough time for me to get over this. Why didn’t I listen to my gut? I knew before it happened the other night, I knew what he was saying was wrong, I could feel it. Yet, I went along with it. Dad told me I’d always know when I was in danger, and I never listened! I know I will from now, if I live much longer. I’ve hardly left my room, Chrissy knows something is wrong, but I keep shutting her out. I am so ashamed. My skin is raw from scrubbing and now I have another fear. He did not use protection, bragged about it. What if I am with child? I feel sick all the time, maybe I am already? I have never been so scared, so broken, so empty and destroyed. I can’t face the world ever again, and if I am pregnant, I will kill myself.

I tried to write poetry; it helps to say what he did to me.

Job well done
Standing ovation
Yeah you got what you wanted
I guess you won
And I don't want to hear, they all knew you and what you’d do
I wish I didn’t know,
But now we're done

'Cause you played me like a symphony
Played me till your fingers bleed
I'm your greatest masterpiece
You ruined me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one's there for you back home
Don't cry to me you played me wrong
You ruined me.


I’ve done a lot of sleeping, a lot of laying in bed. Not eating, I can’t, my skin hurts and I can’t stop washing myself. Chrissy wants me to talk to her, what can I tell her? I’m cheap? I’m easy? I’m dirty? She’d never understand! She’s perfect and she’d never understand. I don’t want her to understand. I am disgusting.





Adapted from Lyrics by The Veronicas

 

These things take time, keeping in mind she was homeschooled till recently and has no idea that she is the victim, she believes she is filth.

 

Thank you for reading, I stole most the words from a song, well some of the words and the structure.

 

DD

Cam just banged on my door, demanded to know what happened. I screamed at him to get out, he can’t know but I feel horrible, he’s been so good to me for so long and I am the worst for yelling at him. How can I possibly tell him what I did? How would he ever understand? He’s done such a good job of raising me since mum and dad died. He’d be so ashamed of me; he’d probably never speak to me again. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if he took Chrissy and they left me, I’m almost old enough to inherit it all.

But I can’t do it all, I can’t run this estate, I don’t even know where to start. I can’t tell them; I have to find a way back.

 

Thank you @WarmNyota_SweetAyesha, appreciate you following this.

 

DD

Its been a week. A whole week and I don't feel better, I'm clean I think, that or I have no skin left. I said sorry to Cam and he asked again. I just said that Trent broke up with me and he accepted that. I guess they both think I'm a nutcase drama queen now.

Schools back in a week, and the thought of it makes me sick. How can I go back to face them all, after all they said, when they know what I did? I guess I have a new title now. I heard it. Whore? Easy? and much much worse that I cannot even write. They're right.

I want to hurt someone or something like I am hurting so my Flight Simulator has become very important to me. I spend hours in the Simulator I got for my birthday last year, I bought it myself but I have admit when I'm in there the entire galaxy fades away, the troubles, the pain and reality of it all is gone. In the simulator I am a fighter pilot, I am a Rebel like Mum and Dad were and I am taking down the Empire. I have lost hours in there, and Chrissy did say when she brought me dinner that I was in there too much. She doesn't know I'm hiding, I'm escaping till I can work out a way to face my world again.

I haven't looked in the reflector in 6 days now, I just do my hair without looking and its always in a braid or a bun now, I don't want it down and out of control. Maybe this is part of all this, I have control of my hair, its where I want it to be, unlike my life. Chrissy says I've lost weight, I could afford too to be honest, but I've been living in track gear so I can't tell. I don't care. No one will ever look at me again.

 

It had to start somewhere