Awards 2007 Awards Entertainment thread!

Welcome to the 2007 Awards Entertainment thread!

If you were too busy to sift through all of the pages upon pages of awards just to get to the funny stuff or if you read through the awards way too quickly trying to find out who won, this thread is for you! Or if you want to read them again... etc.

Also, we've included some funny submissions that are new to everyone!


We'd like to one again thank the following people:
Funny People (Entertainment):
Drabba_the_Hutt ? Entertainment Host!
academygrad88
AnakinsFavorite
BigFatty
bi0nic
DarthIshtar
dianethx
Exeter
FalconFan
Idrelle_Miocovani
Jaya Solo
LannakinsFavorish
Layren
Master Solo
MirandaFair
oqidaun
SabyneAmberle
SilSolo
Vongchild
WynssaStarflare

Hostesses:
BigFatty
Durhelediel
Zonoma

Volunteers:
corellian_ale
Nienna_Narmolanya
NYCitygurl
Layren
hyperspace_police
Space_Wolf
KrystalBlaze
KELIA
Bale
LilyHobbitJedi
VadersMistress
Luton_Plunder
Juliet316
Killik_Twilight
WynssaStarflare
bi0nic
Lola64
amidalachick
JTurtle
Kateydidnt
morrison85

Mods:
Healer_Leona
JadeSolo
oqidaun
VaderLVR64

Overseers:
Luna_Nightshade
Jaya Solo


Happy reading!

 

The Saga Entertainment

WRITER?S BLOCK TANGO (AKA HOW FANFIC AUTHORS DEAL WITH DWB)

A day just like any other day. NEWBIE101 is alone in her study, a large room with wood floors and very little furniture. She paces anxiously in front of her desk, glaring at her computer screen. She is wearing a long, swanky black trench coat and bright red heels. Sighing exasperatedly, she throws herself down on her revolving computer chair and stares intently at the computer screen. In one window is a blank Word file. In the other is her iTunes account, opened to show all the playlists she has made to accompany various fanfics she is working on. NEWBIE101 sighs and swings on her chair, absent-mindedly chewing a fingernail.

Suddenly, there is a knock on her door. NEWBIE101 ignores it and continues to stare at her computer screen. Her study door slowly opens and in comes FANFICAUTHOR12, who is dressed in a large, heavy winter overcoat and has a long, red scarf slung around his neck. NEWBIE101 glances at him briefly and keeps her back turned.

FANFICAUTHOR12: (hesitantly) Hi. Um? your Master called me and told me to come help you.

He pauses and looks around uncomfortably.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Your Master said she?d be here? Look, I?m sorry about your last post, I really am. It?s just that ?

NEWBIE101: (huffily) It was rubbish, I know. You?ve already told me. Some beta reader you are. (she sighs) Like usual, you can?t seem to find anything nice to say.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Well? Beta Readers are supposed to criticize things! You can?t spend all your time praising! It?s part of the writing process, you know ?

He stops as NEWBIE101 stands up, crosses her arms and shoots him a death glare.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Well? that?s what NYCitygurl and Idrelle_Miocovani say ? and they run the Beta Reader Index.

NEWBIE101: I told my Master not to PM you.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Yeah, well? Look, since I?m here, can I help anyway?

NEWBIE101: I?ve hired a therapist.

FANFICAUTHOR12 steps back, astonished. He quickly recovers and shrugs.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Great. Well? It was nice knowing you. Good luck on getting over your writer?s block.

He turns and starts walking away.

NEWBIE101: Wait. She?s three hours late.

FANFICAUTHOR12 turns around and starts walking back to NEWBIE101. NEWBIE101?s iTunes account mysteriously starts playing Argentinean-flavoured tango music.

NEWBIE101: (singing, pointing to her computer) I?ve got some good ideas,
But they?re useless ?

FANFICAUTHOR12: (looking at her computer screen and sitting down on the chair) There?s another way.
Say something. Anything.

NEWBIE101: (looking thoroughly annoyed) War, peace, free-dom!

FANFICAUTHOR12: (wincing) Anything but that.

As the music starts to pick up, they begin singing.

NEWBIE101: This is weird.

FANFICAUTHOR12: It?s weird.

NEWBIE101: Very weird.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Freakin? weird.

NEWBIE101 turns her back on FANFICAUTHOR12 and walks to one end of the room.

NEWBIE101: I?m so mad that I don?t know what to do.
Fighting with my bad fic,
It makes me really ticked,
And to top it all off, I?m with you.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Feel like going insane?
Got a fire in your brain?
And you?re thinking of throwing in the towel?

NEWBIE101 turns around and glares at him as FANFICAUTHOR12 stands up.

NEWBIE101: As a matter of fact?

FANFICAUTHOR12: Honey, I know this act!
It?s called the ?Writer?s Block Tango.?
The Writer?s Block Tango!
It?s a dark, dizzy, merry-go-round!
As it keeps you dangling!

NEWBIE101: I know!

FANFICAUTHOR12: Your brain it is mangling!

NEWBIE101: I know how it feels!

FANFICAUTHOR12: And you toss and you turn
?Cause your fics can all burn
Yet you yearn and you churn to finish!

NEWBIE101: I think I know what you mean.

BOTH: The Writer?s Block Tango!

FANFICAUTHOR12: Have you ever had an idea
That just slipped away?

NEWBIE101: Obviously.

FANFICAUTHOR12: Have you ever doubted your writing skills?

NEWBIE

 

Before the Saga Entertainment

The Real Darth Revan ('The Real Slim Shady' Parody)


May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Darth Revan please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Darth Revan please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here . . .

Y'all act like you never seen a Jedi-cum-Sith before
Jaws all on the floor like Trask Ulgo just burst through the door
And started orderin' you around worse than in-laws
He was the first in the game, throwin you for a loop, was a shame
It's the return of the . . . "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" (The Spire's under attack!?)

And Bioware said . . . nothing you idiots!
Bioware's gone, they're locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)
It's Obsidian from now on then
(vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga)
"Ex-Sith Lord, I'm sick of him
Look at him, runnin' around grabbin' his you-know-what (Lightsaber?)
Killin' all you-know-who," "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
Which'd explain why I didn't introduce Malak to a tight noose (when I had the chance)
Sometimes, I wanna give him a slap on his big baldy head, but can't
But it's cool for him to try to kill me times deuce

Bastila's on your screen, Bastila's on your screen
And if you're lucky, you might just see her being on me, keen
And you'll forget about romances with other members of the team
I expect you don't even know what Juhani really is anyway (A cat!?)
Of course maybe I'll have gone the Dark Way
By the time we hit Rakata Prime
All my pals'll be History Channel won't they?
I ain't nothing but a Jedi . . . Well, sometimes I'm a Sith
Who enjoys nothing better than cutting up an innocent Bith
But if me being male is really just a myth
Then there's no reason that me and Carth can't have a lovers' tiff
But if you feel like I feel, this is what one knows
Bastila wave your bright yellow double-bladed lightsaber, sing the chorus and it goes:

I'm Darth Revan, yes I'm the real Revan
All you other Darth Revans are just imitating
So won't the real Darth Revan please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

Guess we all have our own Darth Revan
Kriff it, let's let them all stand up

-----

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! You may recall his unforgettable appearance on this very stage for the 2005 Awards ceremony. Now, he's back with a new look, new sound, new attitude, and an even bigger mullet than before! Performing his latest Top 40 hit, This Force Was Made for Chokin', please welcome the only Sith Lord who also masquerades as a country singer...

Cowboy Malak Ray Cyrus!!!

<stage lights up to show the performers, audience cheers>

You keep saying that you want to join me
Prove your loyalty, but you confess
You think the Jedi are a better group to join with
And now the light side is getting all your best
Well, this Force was made for chokin?, and that's just what it?ll do
One of these days this Force will choke the life all out of you

You keep trainin? in both the dark and the light
You keep hopin? Jedi will rescue you
You keep fearin? that I might kill you and I might
What good?s the light when the dark side knows the truth
This Force was made for choking, and that's just what it?ll do
One of these days this Force will choke the life all out of you

You keep training where you shouldn't be training
And you keep thinking that you'll never get caught (HAH)
Well, I've just found me a brand new way to wield the Force (YEAH)
And now it?s time that you learned what you ought
This Force was made for choking, and that's just what it?ll do
One of these days this Force will choke the life all out of you

Are you ready, Force?
Start chokin?

<The audience cheers as the song ends. Cowboy Malak Ray Cyrus and backup dancers all bow dramatically and exit the stage. Lights fade.>

-----

You?ve seen her master perfo

 

Beyond the Saga Entertainment

- - This is ARN 7 - -

We present a special live telecast of I'm Sorry We Haven't a Show. Sitting in the chair is Gilad Pellaeon!

"Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry We Haven't a Show, the antidote to Award Ceremonies. You join us this week at the Beyond the Saga Awards at the Fey'lya Pavilion overlooking Unity Green on Coruscant. I say 'overlooking,' but we can't actually see a thing; they have us in a windowless recording booth somewhere in the bowels of the building away from the festivities. This was probably a wise move; one of us reeks of old cheese. Oh dear, I think it's me.

"The Pavilion was recently completed to bring cultural attractions to an area devastated by years of war and centuries of economic blight. And nothing says high culture like a dodgy awards show. It is named for former Chief of State Borsk Fey'lya, whose political accomplishments included the creation of the Advisory Council, the elimination of the hair gel tax, and a radical redecoration of the Presidential Palace.

"The Pavilion was designed by renowned architect Iro Pwa to blend in with the natural beauty of neighboring Unity Green. It does it so well that one really can't tell when the lush green foliage ends and the hard blue steel monstrosity begins. Critics have reluctantly admitted that the building's unique shape does evoke a scene from nature, though they are left wondering where Pwa found a bloated rancor corpse to study.

"But not everything here is new or modern, and it is possible to find vestiges from centuries gone by. Oh look, here are the teams. Seated on my left are Carlist Rieekan and Garm Bel Iblis, while on my right are Jorj Car'das and special guest Lando Calrissian. At the nalargon is Collin Fel, while seated on my right hand and always eager to help me with scoring is the ever-delightful Zhamara.

"I know everyone here is eager to get started -- Carlist, wake up! -- but we have to let them give out a few more awards first."

-----

- - This is ARN 7 - -

"Welcome back. My, wasn't that exciting? Wait, I think I misread that. No, that's really what it says, 'My, wasn't that exciting?'

"Our first game tonight," Pellaeon explains, "is Prose Charades. This is, of course, based on the wordless and often amusing game classic, from which it differs in two key respects. One of the undisputed masters of the original version was tonight's guest. Lando, your encapsulation of the Bounty Hunter Wars was glorious. I remember well watching you up on stage, dazzling everyone with your Hard Merchandise.

"Tonight, we'll be playing a special version of Prose Charades. All the titles will be from fics nominated for awards tonight, and the audience will be invited to play along, trying to guess the title. Carlist and Garm, here is your first title.

"All right, audience," Pellaeon asks, "what's your guess?"

-----

- - This is ARN 7 - -

"It's time for another round of Prose Charades," Pellaeon says. "It's your turn now, Jorj and Lando. Here's your story title.

 

Extra Entertainment

AWARDS SPECIAL: SOUTHERN HOME COOKING WITH THE MODS

ANNOUNCER?S VOICE (VO): Tired of eating leftover macaroni and cheese for dinner? Want to amaze your family and friends with your amazing cooking? Need an Award-worthy dinner for you and your fellow writers? Then look no further, today?s special of ?Southern Home Cooking with the MODS? is about to begin. Here we have now? MAMAVVVVV!!!!!!!

MAMAV suddenly strides onto the set?s kitchenette, looking crisp in her white chef? uniform all the while waving at her excited audience. For some odd reason, her eyes look a little glazed over- has she had a Jedi mind trick used on her to get her onto the set?

MAMAV: Hello, good morning, and welcome to ?Southern Home Cooking with the MODS.? I am MAMAV, also known as VADERLVR64, ?EMPTY NEST VADEY,? VADEY, KIM, and last but not least... She smiles wildly MOM!

A large round of applause begins as the AUDIENCE cheers one of their favorite MODESSES on.

MAMAV: Today, I have with me three of my other
favorite MODS-

ANNONCER?S VOICE (VO): The Amazing and Creepy MOD, OQIDAUUUNNNNNN!!!!

A booming applause ensues as a large group of trench coat wearing persons towards the back of the AUDIENCE rush to their feet and starts yelling and loudly cheering on the OC Revolutionary.

Indeed, it is the MODESS who then strides onto the stage, her red hair tucked neatly behind her ears. She too is wearing a chef?s outfit, but she doesn?t wave- presumably to not draw too much attention to and be able to hold onto the lumpy shape that is somewhat concealed by her white top. OQIDAUN also looks rather blanked faced.

ANNOUNCER?S VOICE (VO): The Huggable and Loveable?
HEALER_LEONAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

There is a large round of applause.

Obviously very excited, the MODESS bursts onto the scene, very excited to be there. Due to fact that her arms are still tired from C4, she doesn?t wave but instead rushes towards the other three.

ANNOUNCER?S VOICE: And last but not least, the Funny and Bathrobe Wearing.... JADESOLOOOOOOO!!!!

By then, all of the AUDIENCE had rushed to their feet and are now applauding wildly.

In what appeared to be a blue and fuzzy bathrobe, JADESOLO arrives wearing a chef?s hat and ready to work...

By time the camera has settled on them again, OQIDAUN and MAMAV appear to be lightly arguing.

OQIDAUN: (Lightly shifting around the ominous lump) No, you are cooler than me....

MAMAV: No, you- She suddenly breaks off upon finding that the camera is once again focused on them. Once again, welcome to our culinary show! Last week, I showed you all how to pour cereal but, in honor of the Awards, I shall tell you how to make a Winning Banquet Dinner!

The AUDIENCE bursts into applause again.

JADESOLO: Watch and learn very carefully as we teach you all how to make a special version of the famous four pasta and cheese macaroni and cheese...

HEALER_LEONA: (Brightly) Boiled green beans for the greens...

MAMAV: Canned peaches for fruit...

JADESOLO: Pudding cups for dessert...

OQIDAUN: And a glass of gin and tonic for an after-meal drink. We?ll even teach you all the best way to optimize the cutting of a... lime!

By then, everyone has figured out what the lumpy package beneath her uniform is. The MODS give her a surprised look but don?t seem to disagree.

OQIDAUN: Well... She shrugs. I drink it with my mac n? cheese all the time. By the way The MODESS addresses the audience this is a vegetarian okayed meal.

MAMAV: But, helping us today, we also have LAZYKBYS_LEFT.

The audience goes crazy at the sight of their favorite go-arounder helper.

LAZYKBYS_LEFT: (Shakes all of their hands) Right, ladies and gentlemen, I shall be teaching you today how to make four past and cheese macaroni and cheese without baking it-

Gasping, the AUDIENCE hangs on his every words. A few have even whipped out

 

As you probably guessed, the Sith Line segments were mine, for the Before ceremony. The set was originally arranged with the first two SLs, then the first Yoda's Mailbag (which had an additional question), then the later pair of SLs and the second YM.

Also, a big thanks to dianethx, who sent me a list of questions that inspired some of those seen above.



EDIT: The omitted question, in case anyone cares...

Kate Hepburn.


When Yoda gives the same answer in the second Mailbag segment, it's a callback to this joke (which may be lost on younger readers).



EDIT II: Ooh, how'd I miss this? In Pellaeon's opening monologue for the Beyond ceremony was cut for length. Here's the deleted paragraph:

"Directly across Unity Green is the venerable Senate District, home to the newly rebuilt Presidential Palace and the Jedi Temple. There has been controversy over the latter building; though it was constructed at great cost to taxpayers, the Jedi themselves rarely ever use it, and much of the building sits empty. This comes despite the fact that it is said to have some of the most glorious views in the area. For one thing, the Temple itself isn't in them."

[I know I could make this its own post now, but that seems monopolistic.]

 

Thanks for putting these up, Jaya -- they're such a joy to read! All of the entertainment this year was exceptional.

for all who contributed!

 

I'm so glad you put all of these up, especially the ones that got left out at y'all's discretion.

 

It is nice to see a complete set--the contributions were excellent. Remember that the awards shows are written by our wonderful/hardworking era hostesses and sometimes not everything submitted for the entertainment fits in with their vision of the awards show.

 

Which is why it's good to have this thread. I had the unique fun of getting to help with one ceremony itself. The submissions are always fantastic.