Saga - ST A Change of Plan(et)s (Kylo, Hux, guest star | Right after TLJ,but NO SPOILERS AT ALL - you'll see!)

Title: A Change of Plan(et)s
Author: Ewok Poet
Genre: ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS DRAMA Humour, duh!
Canonicity: ABSOLUTELY CANON
Characters: Kylo Ren, Hux and a special guest star near the end.
Timeframe: Right after The Last Jedi
Rating: PG-13 (excessive swearing + Armitage Hux's sideburns)
Length: Short
Summary: Kylo has an idea, the kind of which should never-ever occur to the famous. Hux joins in...

A/N: I'm nuts.

Spoiler

This story borrows minor portions of text from two stories - my own, Kylo and the Ghosts of SNARK! and @Findswoman's Therapy Time with Zarney Kylo and Friends, with permission. It also makes a reference to The 2017 Golden Yoda Awards Ceremony and the overall winner, @divapilot's Bad Romance...

...as well as a blink-and-you-will-miss-it minor reference to a story that...makes a minor reference to...me.

---

Hux seemed to be somewhat pensive after the Battle of Crait.

Perhaps he just needed a little walk...

...to showcase his amazingly First Orderish hairstyle to the ignorant pawns of his?

...to check if everybody's underwear had been black, with contrast stitch in red?

He walked across the command bridge, into the nearest cabin and saw Kylo Ren sit across a bigger datapad.

Hux was puzzled - the Knight of Ren was never too keen on datapads. He shrugged, came closer and coughed to get Kylo's attention.

There was no response of any kind. He then proceeded to talk.

"I did not expect to find you here. I had been looking for you! You need to tell me what you sincerely think of the authority subconsciously implied by my sideburns..."

"Shush! I'm doing something very important!"

"More important than talking to me? You are allowing unimportant things to distract you!"

The arm clad in black was dangerously close to the red-bladed lightsaber. Hux didn't want to take any risks and he reluctantly let Kylo continue. "This is not a distraction, this is a NECESSITY!"

"All right. Show me." He closed one eye and leaned over the screen. He wasn't sure what was going on there. The screen was greyish-blue, as opposed to black and red and he frowned upon the idea of Kylo thinking that a separate set of colour guidelines existed solely for him.

"What is this?" He asked, not realising that his comrade's eyes were glued to the screen. He then shook his head, gave up and started reading. "Boar...wait, board...the Force...dot...net. What? I hereby repeat my question, what is this?"

"Shush! I need to say what they're saying about me."

"But-but-but who are these beings? What is a..."

"I had a vision from no one other than Darth Vader himself! He told me to check this, because...wait, you will see. I never knew that I could use the Force in this particular way! Through a net! With a board!"

The dark side user pointed to the fourth section on the screen.

Star Wars: Sequel Trilogy (Released Films)

"What is 'Star Wars', Kylo? Honestly, you are starting to worry me!"

"Whatever it may be, I see my name in some places! And yours! They're talking about us!"

"Why should we care? I am quite positive that everybody, all over the Galaxy other than the Resistance scum, has a high opinion of us!"

"Then explain me this?!" Kylo raised his voice. "Armitage Hux is a card-carrying villain! Not impressed. And his name is a brand of toilets in the UK!"

The military genius was not losing his cool. "So what? I do use a keycard to get into my private quarters, just like you do! And I can absolutely see how somebody jealous of me could call me...ha-ha...a villain, use a word that clearly does not mean anything, such as 'toilet' and refer to whatever 'UK' may be. Please!"

Hux took a moment to admire his own posture and continued.

"You need to talk to somebody. I am sure that a little bit of therapy, with the right expert, such as the long-living Seegmon d'Fraud would help you. You have no sense of leadership!"

"I shall prove to you that nobody other than you thinks that I need." Kylo pointed to the light blue box on top left. "What was Krill in High Galactic, again?"

"But of course. You never focus on importance of our heritage, other than Darth Vader. It's 'Kay'."

"Kay..."

kylo ren therapy

"Now, here comes the moment of truth. I don't need any kind of..." Kylo stopped for a moment. "Wait. That's not true! That's impossible!"

Hux muttered a discrete "hmm" under his breath and looked closer. The search did yield results, as it normally would. There was nothing strange about that. But there was something 'cute', foolish and undisciplined, about what seemed to be a HoloNet user's identity - 'Findswoman'.

A man who is proud of having found a woman must have been slightly unhinged.

Kylo clicked on the bolded words. It took a while for the text to appear, but there had been HoloNet disturbances coming from, well, known suspects, for quite a while, dating as far back as the time when General Leia Organa, a person he no longer wanted to call his mother in public, formed the Resistance.

He managed a half-smile. "This does not seem to be bad, this...report. I do not think it's Resistance propaganda, on the contrary. Apparently, I have worked a mind trick on our biggest enemies, including The Girl and they're now placed in a cage with the two of us and Captain Phasma, while somebody is brainwashing them, much to our delight." he stopped for a moment. "Huh, I'm talking like you. Strange. Anyway, Phasma, where is she? She would get a kick out of this!"

"Wait for a moment." Hux skimmed over the text on the screen, close to praising the flawless style of writing, but then he noticed something. "No, this is, unfortunately, not the case. Come and have a look!"

Kylo turned on Finn with a ferocious look. “YES?!”

“Well, I wasn’t sure if you knew this, but—one of the rules of the Deepstar Station Lawn Tennis Club is that—is that you have to wear all white while on the court.”

“WHITE? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Kylo flung his armful of rackets across the room, and another wild chair-kicking rampage began. “GAAAH! ARRGHH! URRGHH! THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!”


Kylo stood still for what seemed to be a fraction of a second. Moments later, he was in rage.

"What is going on there? I DON'T KNOW A 'FINN', TENNIS SOUNDS VERY SIMILAR TO A TRIGGERING WORD WE SWORE NEVER TO USE AGAIN...AND I DO NOT KICK CHAIRS! IN FACT, I AM SITTING ON A CHAIR, SEE? SEE?"

"Yes, you are. But please, stop...stop now!" Hux did the untinkable, and put his hand on Kylo's. "I am certain that this is the only instance of such pathetic propaganda and that this inferior individual is clearly scared of you. Here you, go...further results for 'kylo and...' are not going to..."

"...yield results. R-right! There is another! And it's signed by an alleged 'Ewok Poet'. What is that about? I was once called that, just once and...what is my name doing together with THAT NAME?"

Kylo was shaking at this point. He clicked on the letters, having noticed that a barely familiar word, 'snark', was capitalised. He slowly read as much as he could, until he arrived to a very...curious section.

“Don’t forget the SNARK, don’t forget the SNARK!” Kylo made a couple of steps back. At this point, he could not stop beating himself over his failure. “I forgot the SNARK and this… is not the SNARK I was looking for!”

He tumbled over the bucket on the floor, fell down and the bucket flew up into the air, landing on his head. The Knight of Ren resumed sneezing almost instantly – the bucket was full of ANGRY MACE™ Fire of Mustafar spice blend. His eyes were filling with tears, smearing his eyeliner. When he finally managed to get rid of the bucket, black tears were falling down his face. He looked at his reflection in the nearest piece of transparisteel and then proceeded to smash the sonic oven, the table with remains of the quadduck and the pots with his lightsaber. He tried to finish it by sending the bird carcass at his father’s Force-ghost, but all he managed to do was start another fire.

"WHAT THE KRIFF IS 'ANGRY MACE' THESH-KRILL? I KNOW THE EWOKS DO USE SUCH A PRIMITIVE WEAPON, BUT WHY IS IT ANGRY? WHO DARES BASH DARTH VADER'S FORTRESS WORLD OF MUSTAFAR? AND WHY AM I CRYING? WHY AM I WEARING EYELINER?"

His comrade was not fussed. His attention was caught by something else.

“Our goal: to feed the population of the First Order-aligned star systems and make it creative! Each week, one of our most respected figures will share the secret of our success, through the kind of meals you WILL want to eat..."

"That is certainly an inferior attempt at being humorous, typical for a primitive species that has not yet discovered the means of processing metal, let alone hyperspace travel. Ha! I have a cooking broadcast?" Hux smirked. "No, I have cooks. The Resistance propaganda is getting more and more banal every day!"

"At least you admit that it's Resistance propaganda now!" Kylo's face was slowly turning red, as the lightsaber on the table next to the datapad started to vibrate and shake, dangerously.

He smashed the keypad in anger. The screen went white, much to his surprise.

An unexpected error occurred. Please try again later.

"Do not give me no errors, you kriffin' son of a mooka female!"

Another smash.

502: Bad gateway

"NO WAY, KRIFFSLIDER! I AM A POWERFUL FORCE USER!"

Another smash. The lightsaber flashed with red light for a brief fraction of a second, or at least Hux thought so.

503: Service unavailable

Hux swallowed a lump. He never liked that number. But what was of much larger concern was Kylo's tantrum, waiting to happen.

Another smash.

504: Gateway timeout

Kylo was grinding his teeth and openly reaching for the lightsaber, his hair slowly rising. And there was no sign of 501, the only good number in this range, ever.

Nevertheless, Hux tried for one last time. "We can solve this in a matter of seconds. Our newest slicer, who just arrived, will break their code and soon, very soon, we shall be disrupting their frequencies, not the other way around!"

There was a hissing sound coming from the dark-haired man's throat. His left hand, the free one, was shaking. He barely managed to aim at the keypad one more time, despite his otherwise unmistakable Force precision.

An unexpected error occurred. Please try again later.

"N...no. WHAT? I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS!"

An unexpected error occurred. Please try again later.

"No, an unexpected WERMO occurred and it's YOU! GO MILK A THALA-SIREN, WHY DON'T YOU?"

An unexpected error occurred. Please try again later.

"TO QUOTE DARTH VADER AT HIS WORST, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!11!!'"

An unexpected error occurred. Please try again later.

"KRIFF THE KRIFFIN' KRIFF, WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THE KRIFFIN' KRIFFS ARE THESE KRIFFSLIDERS KRIFFIN' MY MIND FOR? KRIFF THAT!"

Kylo jumped from his seat and sliced the datapad in two, sending electrical sparks and debris all over the cabin. He then proceeded to kick his foot against the wall and, eventually, his head, until he fell on the floor, screaming his lungs out.

Hux stood there, only somewhat baffled. This was certainly not the first time this had happened and he knew that he should leave Kylo alone, but...he was curious.

He brought another datapad to the cabin and moments later, he was searching for his name. One of the results seemed somewhat more curious than others.

"Hmmm, 'divapilot'. A pilot from a Theelin religious order? Interesting. Let's see if she's a threat to us, though no opposing pilot can come close to P...wait, 'Bad Romance'? Pathetic!"

Sooner than later, he had read the alleged Resistance propaganda piece, which apparently revolved around his excellent potential youngling upbringing skills. That was good.

No.

That was strange. Was somebody...questioning his abilities towards anything? Why were so many instances of the colour blue? And why was he involved with a...Solo? He would never have wanted Kylo's genes anywhere near him, for they were a sign of weakness!"

He could sense rage brewing in his otherwise perfect mindset. But he could not allow the scum to break him. He had to resist. This "bad romance" must have been denied by an informer who infiltrated the database - perhaps the one whom he just intended to promote.

He only had to search a little bit harder, which he then did.

"Bad Romance, Bad Romance...Awards. Awards. AWARDS! BEST ALL-AROUND...WHAT? WHAT? THIS IS CLEARLY NOT WHAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! HOW DARE THEY THREATEN US?"

Hux finally lost his cool. He stormed out of the cabin, leaving Kylo lying in the corner, barely conscious, shaking and muttering, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!" to no end. Which was strange. But he didn't care. He had to schedule an urgent meeting. NOW.

Ten minutes later, he was in the briefing room, with a circle sketched on a piece of flimsi.

"Call all of the best engineers across the Galaxy. We shall be building a newer, and improved Starkiller base and attack as soon as possible. The star of the targeted system is called Sol and the inhabited planet is called Terra. According to my sources, there are only seven billion beings on there and they are all Human - which I do understand that the late Wilhuff Tarkin would have appreciated - but they are a treat to us and we need another chance to showcase our superiority!"

He stopped for a moment.

"Besides, that could be Resistance propaganda too, since there is a clear reason to believe that there are other species present alongside them, such as Ewoks, Gand and Theelin! This will be a vulgar display of power and nobody is going to make out alive - the Terrastrians have apparently never left their star system, let alone gone further than their moon, Luna! No generation and sleeper ships, yet!"

He clenched his fist, and then remembered something.

"Hmmm...almost forgot the following helpful guidelines.There's a dwarf planet with a large, pathetic heart shape on its surface, but do not let that get you sentimental and do not allow the largest of the system's gas giants to distract you from your work, despite how much historical figures such as one Thrawn would have been impressed by it. We are destroying them all."

"Why?" asked one of the admirals.

"Do not ask me any questions!" Hux stormed out of the meeting space. "I want to see plans by the end of the day and by 'day', I mean a day on Bespin. Twelve standard hours, no more, no less!"

...​

A Human female, likely an adolescent, though this was not clear, with hazel eyes and brown hair tied in a bordok-tail, cca. 164 centimetres tall and weighing approximately sixty kilograms sat in front of her screen.

"L-OH-L! He hasn't even found out about 'Emo Kylo Ren'...yet."

Moments later, she nearly choked on her suspiciously-looking beverage, resembling fizzyglug.

"Oh...wait...shouldn't this be the last day of our lives? And some of my friends didn't even get to see 'The Last Jedi', which is, I'm certain, going to end up on the list of films to see before you die, across many websites. People love listicles and all...d'oh! Noooooooooooooooo.mp3"

Well, asterisk asterisk asterisk asterix...that last one was clearly a spelling error! But who cares? It was all about to be over and she, she didn't even get to meet the man of her dreams!

*everything goes black*

400000000004: Star system not found. Please, try again later.

 

I loved this Ewok Poet to pieces! The Queen of Comedy you are. !!!!

 

What a timely story!

Hilarious! I especially loved:

When I realized his last name was Fraud I laughed so hard.

And all the nods to fanficers were great!

I think we all share in Kylo's frustration with the error messages! This was a great catharsis!

 

This is so funny! And I love the sly references to our current board crashes - apparently they’re causing frustration with the First Order too. Genius, EP!

 

So I was right, the board crashes ARE Kylo Ren's fault...! Loved this. Hux and Ren, both vain enough to wonder what people are saying about them. Good one, Ewok Poet! Getting your mojo back, for sure!

 

I don’t know how I’m writing this, since we’re all dead now. Funny, I don’t feel dead. I feel happy; I think I’ll go for a walk…

Hux, dear Hux, is his awesomely arrogant self. Nothing is more important than him; if there is, to quote Zaphod Beeblebrox, he wants it caught and shot. He’s in charge here—just check out those authoritative sideburns! He’s so secure in the knowledge of his own superiority that he can’t conceive anyone would dare mock him, certainly not with nonsense words like “toilet”. Love that he initially believes that “Bad Romance” is about his excellent child-rearing skills (he would, the barve), and when he finally realizes, yep those weirdos on that strange Force-Net thingy are questioning pretty much all your abilities, Hux, there’s going to be hell to pay.

Meanwhile, Kylo is like a teen who’s just discovered social media.

Look, they’re talking about me! Oh noes! They’re being meeeean! Aaaaaah! And to make a bad situation even worse, he learns about the other annoyances associated with this net: the dreaded Gateway Error! Unexpected Error! Server timeout! Enough to push a Dark Sider straight over the edge and into an epic emo tantrum. (But at least his fit only leads to the destruction of a few million credits worth of starship fixtures and technology!)

Love Hux’s take on the usernames here particularly

And the idea that Hux is so nit picky and micromanagerial he would check his troops’ underpants is snerk-tastic!

Apparently frustration breeds inspiration, if the recent board flakiness can lead to such a brilliantly looney story. Can’t wait to see what the server upgrade and outage will beget!

 

This was hilarious! You are pretty crazy, in the best way. I loved when Kylo encountered all those errors... I wonder what he thinks of the new boards? Hux was great. He would be the type to look down on and hold back Kylo, but then be even worse when he finds out of his own stories.