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A Day in the Life of Emperor Palpatine (humor, short)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Gandalf the Grey, Oct 27, 2001.

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  1. Gandalf the Grey

    Gandalf the Grey Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    May 14, 2000
    A day in the life of Emperor Palpatine

    9:14am: Wake up from pleasant dream. I had been dreaming that I ruled the better part of the galaxy, that I could destroy a world on a whim.
    9:15am: Remember that I do control the better part of the galaxy, and that I can destroy a world on a whim.
    9:25am: Get up, look in mirror. I come to the harsh realization that I look like a moldy prune.
    9:30am: Ask slave girl if the fact that I look like a moldy prune makes me any less incredibly sexy and desirable.
    9:32am: Am displeased with slave girls answer. Kill her for insubordination.
    9:34am: Summon in another slave girl, ask her the same question. She tells me that she?s never met anyone sexier, that she dreams about me every night. Excellent; I still have that suave sexiness that woman crave.
    9:46am: Get foot massage from slave girl.
    9:55am: Get dressed. Decide to wear black robes today. Realize that I?ve worn black robes every day for the last twenty years. Consider wearing something pink. Eventually discard idea; perhaps tomorrow.
    10:00am: Eat breakfast. Decide that the meat isn?t enough. Order the chef.
    10:31am: Picking bits of chef out of teeth. Consider brushing my teeth. Decide against it; don?t want to ruin winning smile.
    10:58am: Proceed to throne room for audience with Lord Vader.
    11:17am: Stub toe, release anger by frying random servant. That will teach him.
    11:20am: Arrive in throne room. Get settled in throne. Make a mental note to get more cushions added to it.
    11:30am: Lord Vader and Prince Xixor enter throne room. Goad the two on.
    11:34am: Pick my nose when neither is watching.
    11:40am: Break into their petty bickering to make vague ominous comments.
    11:50am: Lord Vader mentions that the hunt for Skywalker is still going. Skywalker? Skywalker? I?ve heard this name before. I?m sure it?s important.
    11:52am: Skywalker? Skywalker? Skywalker?
    11:55am: Sudden realization: Vader?s original name was Skywalker! Why Vader is searching for himself? Quietly speculate on the state of Lord Vader?s mental health.
    11:58am: Dismiss Xixor. Vader has been a valuable servant for quite some time, and I want to spare him any embarrassment over his condition.
    12:00pm: Question Vader about Skywalker, trying to determine the extent of his delusions. Realize that Vader isn?t talking about himself, but rather a son. What?! Vader had a son? When was he going to bring this up?!
    12:02pm: Tell Vader that I would like to meet the boy. Vader seems nervous somehow.
    12:04pm: Vader explains that the boy has joined the Rebellion. What?! People are ill-contented with my gloriously benevolent rule?
    12:10pm: Vader explains to me that the rebellion has been going on for quite some time, but that it?s been getting worse since the dissolution of the senate and the destruction of Alderaan.
    12:20pm: Ignoring Vader drone on about troop movements, reminiscing fondly over the destruction of Alderaan. Resolve to destroy another planet in the near future.
    12:42pm: Dismiss Vader, summon in Admirals. Ask them if what Vader said is true, if there really is a rebellion against my merciful and just reign.
    12:49pm: Grand Admiral so-and-so tells me that the people of the galaxy consider me to be a vindictive and arbitrary tyrant. I fry said Grand Admiral with Force lightning. Prove that I really am merciful by sparing the lives of the other Grand Admirals.
    12:59pm: Dismiss the Grand Admirals. Decide that I want a stiff drink. Order my minions to bring me freshly squeezed blue milk.
    1:09pm: Tell minions that the milk isn?t blue enough. Consider frying random minion for his incompetence, decide that he?s not worth the hassle. Order his shot instead.
    1:15pm: Enjoy my blue milk. Wonder why good help is so hard to find.
    1:32pm: Sit on my throne and brood.
    2:32pm: Still brooding.
    3:04pm: Wonder what the point of all this brooding is. Consider redecorating. Maybe something in pink. Replace all this Imperial grey and red and black with some nice rose pink, country red, and off-white. That would like lovely.
    3:12pm: Summon in image consulta
     
  2. Vergere

    Vergere Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 19, 2000
    ROTFL! gandolf you HAVE to keep going on these. they're hysterical!

    EDIT: i'd pull out lines that i loved but then i'd end up posting the whole story over again :p
     
  3. Amidala_Skywalker

    Amidala_Skywalker Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 4, 2001
    LOL, That was just as many as the last one. I love the bit about wanting Alderaan food and realizing why Organa hasn't returned any calls. These things are the most funniest threads, I've ever read.

    Go Palpy!

    Am [face_love]
     
  4. Daughter_Of_TheForce

    Daughter_Of_TheForce Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 1, 2001
    12:00pm: Question Vader about Skywalker, trying to determine the extent of his delusions. Realize that Vader isn?t talking about himself, but rather a son. What?! Vader had a son? When was he going to bring this up?!

    LOL!!! This is too much! [face_laugh]
     
  5. TorontoJediMaster

    TorontoJediMaster Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 14, 2001
    LMAO!!!!!!!

    In some ways, the Emperor reminds me of
    Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons". His attitudes, whims, enjoyment of total power. :) lol

    I think it's hilarious.
     
  6. young_mara

    young_mara Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Sep 24, 2001
    HAHAHAHAA!!
    ROTFLMAO!!!
    HEHEEEEHEEEE!!!
    *Young_mara tries to calm down*
    HAHAHAHAHA!!!
    no luck
     
  7. Kwenn

    Kwenn Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Mar 30, 2001
    Skywalker? I?ve heard this name before. I?m sure it?s important.
    11:52am: Skywalker? Skywalker? Skywalker?
    11:55am: Sudden realization: Vader?s original name was Skywalker! Why Vader is searching for himself? Quietly speculate on the state of Lord Vader?s mental health.

    LOL!
    Also, the bit where he tries to steal candy from the baby Wookiee...reminiscant of the Simpsons again.
    "It'll be just like stealing candy from a baby....that sounds like a larf!"
    Keep it up!
     
  8. Mar17swgirl

    Mar17swgirl Force Ghost star 7

    Registered:
    Dec 26, 2000
    ROTFLMAO!!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    This was hilarious!! [face_laugh] I loved the part with Skywalker (and Vader's mental health), also the idea with the pink color :):snorts::), and the baby Wookiee. [face_laugh]

    Gandolf, this is great! Please post another such story!!! :D
     
  9. LittleJedi

    LittleJedi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 4, 2001
    Holy Force i am laughing so hard.... :D LOL!

    -Little Jedi-
    MTFBWY
     
  10. Amidala_wannabe

    Amidala_wannabe Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 18, 2001
    Oh My God, That was great! I couldn't stop laughing!!! Pink! That was GREAT!!! (heheh I say it again!)

    Write More!!!!!!!

    Shaden
     
  11. Fluke_Groundwalker

    Fluke_Groundwalker Jedi Youngling star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 11, 2001
    LMAO!! That was hilarious!! Keep up the good work!!
     
  12. jedi-thespian

    jedi-thespian Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 9, 2001
    LOL!!!! Loved every moment! Looks like Palpy is getting senile...
     
  13. I love Sci Fi

    I love Sci Fi Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 21, 2000
    Great story!!!! I also thought of pulling out lines, but then this would be much to long of a post. Keep these up!!!!!
     
  14. I love Sci Fi

    I love Sci Fi Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 21, 2000
    Great story!!!! I also thought of pulling out lines, but then this would be much to long of a post. Keep these up!!!!!
     
  15. DarthLothi

    DarthLothi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 4, 2001
    ROTFLMAO!!!!!

    This is great! I nearly fell out of my chair!
     
  16. TorontoJediMaster

    TorontoJediMaster Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 14, 2001
    Hey, don't forget that Palpatine wants his teddy bear, and Mr. Burns' fixation on his teddy bear Bobo. lol
     
  17. Justice_for_All

    Justice_for_All Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Aug 5, 2001
    lol I can't stop laughing.
    6:43pm: Vader appears for another audience.
    6:54pm: Quickly grow bored with Vader. It?s all Rebellion this, or Dark Side that. Command Vader to sing and dance the Hokie-Pokie.
    6:56pm: Vader proves obstinate. Sternly remind him that I am his Emperor, and that my commands are law.
    7:01pm: Vader does the Hokie-Pokie and turns himself about, and that?s what it?s all about.
    7:06pm: Vader storms out of the throne room, force-chokes a random underling.
    7:15pm: Sudden realization as to why all my minions are so incompetent: Vader keeps killing them! Make note to self to have a word with Vader about that

    I would have loved to have seen that, and the Emperor in pink robes lol. Keep them coming
     
  18. Lord_Erly

    Lord_Erly Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 21, 2001
    This is just hilarious...
    the pink stuff is most exquisite!
     
  19. Gandalf the Grey

    Gandalf the Grey Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    May 14, 2000
    You know the scary thing? I've seen about ten episodes of the Simpson?s in my entire life. I was just trying to write a Palpatine who was evil, but in a funny way. I wrote entirely too much like myself for comfort (right down to the Teddy Bears and the love of Pink ;) )
     
  20. Lord_Erly

    Lord_Erly Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 21, 2001
    Okay, now you scared me....

    j/k ;-)
     
  21. GreyJediAntarFodoh

    GreyJediAntarFodoh Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Oct 3, 2001
    I agree. VERY Mr Burns-ish.

    I LOVE these! I can't wait till you eventually do a Yoda one!
     
  22. Liz Skywalker

    Liz Skywalker Ex-Mod star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jun 13, 2000
    LOL, Gandy! This is 'larious!
    and to think if I hadn't been actually surfing right now, I wouldn't have seen it! :eek:

    5:28 makes note to self to read other versions
     
  23. Kwenn

    Kwenn Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Mar 30, 2001
    Will there be another one?
     
  24. empress of justice

    empress of justice Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 15, 2000
    This was good!!!!

    ROTFLOL!!!

    EOJ
     
  25. jade51999

    jade51999 Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Nov 5, 1999
    LOLOL!

    ok moving on to the next one!!!

    awesome job!!!

    he he as usual gandalf
     
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