A New Hope-Humorous Version

Hey, why not do them all? A fun project I see. INCLUDE WHACKS!!!

Of course, I'll start.


Star Wars - No Hope, fourteen thousandth draft(and counting)

STAR WARS
EPISODE 678567567564
NO HOPE
From the
JOURNAL OF THE WHONT'S

by
study

Revised and revised umpteenth draft
July 22, 1999

PURPVACPARODY UNLTD.

------------------------

A long time ago...in some stupid galaxy

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop
for the-

WHACK!

STUDY: Let's just get to the script!

It is a period of civil war (1860s).
Rebellious spaceships, striking from a hidden base, hidden on some planet, have won their first victory over the evil GALACTIC IMPERIUM.

During the battle, REBELLIOUS SPIES (led by JOHNATHAN POLLARD)managed to steal secret plans to the IMPERIUM'S ultimate weapon, THE DEADLY STAR, an armored space station (based on the schematics for MIR), with enough power to destroy an entire planet, but after that, only moons and asteroids. (This superweapon idea will later be re-hashed time and time again, the latest being TPM's droid control ship.)
Pusued by the Imperium's sinister agents (RANDOM TASK and NUMBER TWO), Princess Lee races home against SEBULBOUS aboard her starship custodian, maintenance, whatever, of the stolen plans that can save her people (who will later all be wiped out when Alderaan is destroyed) and restore freedom to the galaxy...................

WALLACE: FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!


The awesome yellow planet of Patootie emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons at a party making out with her two suns. A tiny silver spacecraft, a REPUBLI- er, REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space, against GASCANO. It is pursued by giant IMPERIOUS STAR-WHACKER. Hundreds of perfectly gentle laserbolts streak fom the whacker, causing the main solar fin of the Rebellious craft to disintegrate. Now it's time for an alternative energy source.

 

Interesting idea. I forsee a lot of whacks in this one, with young Streetwalker's constant whinning.

 

C-3PO can't be called C-THRUME, but we have to have continuity.

Yes, this whacking thing is fun. Whacks will be administered by every character to every character. BEN: Your eyes can deceive you; don't trust them.
Whack!
BEN: You must see with your mind.
Wha-
BEN: Ah, good; you blocked that one...

 

Back to top!
Darth Vader's name: Darth Vacuous!!!

 

don't have anything for this early in the story, but I'll keep reading.

 

Darth Vader's name: Darth Vacuous!


WOOHOO!!!

 

Cue ominous music...

Grim faced rebel soldiers carrying large blaster rifles race to a hallway to make their stand against the Evil Empire.

Close-up of various soldiers as they react to noises as their ship is being boarded.

All soldiers crouch facing the end of the hall, taking advantage of what little cover they can.

Suddenly, with a loud hiss and a flash of light, the door explodes BEHIND the rebels. STOMPTROOPERS enter, blaster rifles blazing. The pitiful, misguided rebels do not have a chance!

Soon, bodies of rebels litter the floor. The STOMPTROOPERS move to the side as...

DARTH VACUOUS enters, banging his helmet on the top of the door frame.

DARTH VACUOUS is in all black leather armour. Embossed on his chest is a large "D" and he wears a black cape. His helmet, designed to stike fear into the heart of all who see him, has a faceplate with a smile that is almost a grimmace (think Jack Nicholson's Joker from Batman).

 

INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER

Two droids, one resembling a trash-can with wheels, the other vaguely resembling a male Dot Matrix from "Spaceballs," struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. A blast shakes them.

SEE-STINKY-O: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor!

Whack!

STINKY-O: Okay, maybe I shouldn't state the obvious, but we'll be destroyed for sure! This is madness!

R2-D2(name miraculously not changed throughout series): Blip Blooda Blop Fart Fiddle.

STINKY-O: There'll be no escape for the princess this time.

R2-D2: Blot!

STINKY-O: Plot? What plot? What are you talking about, R2? There is no secret plot!

Artoo continues making bleeping sounds. Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment is heard moving around the outside hull of the ship.

STINK-O: What's that?

EXT. SPACECRAFT IN SPACE

The Imperial craft has easily overtaken the Rebel Blockade Runner. The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the-

GL: WAIT ONE GEE-DARN MINUTE HERE!
The ship's already been BOARDED!

STUDY: Well, I needed to introduce the robots and I figured-

GL: Excuses, excuses! Now, I do beleive Princess Lee is putting a message into Artoo at this moment, so...

INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER

(A woman's hand puts a floppy disk into an opening in Artoo's dome.)

STINKY-O stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered (his name had been C-THRUME earlier but he had had it changed through court). Artoo is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebellious soldiers can be heard in the distance.

STINKY-O (to himself): At least it's not me. (shouting): Artoo! Where are you?

SCOOBY-DOO: OVER HERE!

(Music plays)
(All the stars are here-
waitin' for you.
Couldn't have the show without ya'!

R2- R2D2- R2
HEY R2- WHERE ARE YOU?)

Suddenly, Artoo shows up.

STINKY-O: R2-D2- where have you bean?

R2: Wheert?

STINKY-O: Been!

R2-D2: dotoodooda beep!

STINKY-O: Who is Ob-Ewan? Oh, never mind. Listen: They're headed in this di-rection! If they find us, they will crush us, burn us, grind us into tiny pieces, and blast us into oblivion!

(Suddenly, Artoo takes off down the cooridor.)

STINKY-O: That's just like you! You disappear, and when I finally find you, you go taking off again! Damn you!

INT. REBELLIOUS BLOCKADE RUNNER- COORIDOR

The semi evil Darth Vacuous stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of the hopeless Rebel shmucks. He grabs a wounded Rebellious officer by the neck (with his hand?) as an Imperious officer rushes up to the Insufficiant light Lord. (sorry, Scott Adams- I couldn't resist.)

OFFICER: The Deadly Star plans are not in the main computer.

VACUOUS: Why the hell WOULD they be? These Rebel types aren't stupid.

WOUNDED REBEL: Why, thanks.

VACUOUS: That WASN'T in your defense! Dammit, officer! NEVER let me say something like that again!

OFFICER: If you do, I'll whack you.

VACUOUS: Something like that, I suppose.

Whack!

VACUOUS: That's NOT what I meant. Go away!
(To Rebel Officer): Where are those transmissions you intercepted?

Vacuous lifts the rebel off his feet by his throat.

VACUOUS: What have you done with those plans?

REBELLIOUS OFFICER: Which question do you want me to answer first?

VACUOUS: ***k you, Rebel Scum! Where are the G**damn plans?

REBEL: We intercepted no trnsmissions! Aaah....This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission!

VACUOUS: If this is a consular ship, then where are the ambassadors?

IMPERIOUS COMMANDER: Ve Shvot sem.

VACUOUS: What?! All this work to find out who the leader was and you SHOT him?

COMMANDER: Well, you ordered me to.. and Ah...you...then...well...

VACUOUS: YOU IMBECILE!

COMMANDER: I...you...ah...Heil Hitler!

(He runs out.)*

VACUOUS realizes that the man whose neck is in his grip is already dead and lets him slump to the floor.

VACUOUS: Commander!

(He sheepishly comes back in.)

VACUOUS: Tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers; I WANT THEM ALIVE!

INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER --

 

* If you didn't get that joke, it's from "To Be or Not to Be"

 

Princess Lee, shackeled and clothing in tatters, is brought before the Semi-Evil Not-so-Dark Lord.

DARTH VACUOUS: Commander, what happened to her clothes?

COMMANDER: Um, well... (looking shiftily around) Apparently, there was a misunderstanding when your orders were relayed, sir. The troops tried to tear the prisoner apart bit by bit.

PRINCESS LEE: Darth Vacuous...Only you could be so semi-evil. The congress, um, senate, will not sit still for this...

WHACK!!

DARTH VACUOUS: You weren't on any run to Taco Bell this time! You are part of the Rebel Dance Troop and a traitor! Take her away!

Troops start to take Princess one way down the hall, find it's a dead end and take her back the other way. Last STOMPTROOPER slips on body of rebel and falls.

COMMANDER: (in bad lip-synch) Holding her is dangerous...

DARTH VACUOUS: The senate does not concern me.

COMMANDER: No, it's just that in addition to being the Alderaaaaaan modern dance champion, Princess Lee is also related to the legendary warrior Bruce Lee. I don't know if it is safe for anyone to hold her.

DARTH VACUOUS: Leave that to me.

 

*I'll leave the first name up to someone else*

SCENE: Patootie power station. One man is watching two younger guys playing Pac Man. A young couple are making out on a desk.

STREETWALKER: Hey, shape it up you guys!

BIC LIGHTER: Hey kid!

STREETWALKER: Bic, when did you get here? Hey everyone, there's a big space battle going on outside.

Everyone stares at him stupidly.

WHACK

BIC: Don't worry about it kid. This scene is gonna be cut from film anyway.

 

INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER-HALL

(Another Imperious Officer rushes up to DARTH VACUOUS)

SECOND OFFICER: Lord Vacuous, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life-forms were aboard.

(Vacuous turns to his commander, but no scene showing the droids getting into the pod was featured.
Imagine Stinky-O reluctantly getting in at the persistance of R2.)

VACUOUS: She must have hidden the plans in the escape-pod, but no life forms are aboard. Send a detatchment down to
retrieve it, but no-

GL: Cut it out, will you?

VACUOUS: There will be no one to stop us this-time! But no-

WHACK!

VACUOUS: Sorry.

 

EXT. PATOOTIE - DESERT

The abandoned escape pod lies in the distance. The two droids, Stinky-O and Artoo Detour (HA! I changed his name!) are walking through the sand.

STINKY: What a desolate place this is.

DETOUR: Fleeble deeble deep.

STINKY: What makes you think there are settlements in that direction?

DETOUR: Wacka wooka choo.

STINKY: What do you mean we've been here before?

DETOUR: Flickle dickle do.

STINKY: I've had just about enough of your continuity issues.

Whack

STINKY: (cont) Go that way. You'll be captured by short aliens within a day, you stupid piece of American-made crap.

 

Back to the top! It's sinking too low.

 

<Time to pick this up. Vac, where are you?>

(STINKY-O walks and walks endlessly. He seems to keep passing the same cactus every hour or so. In fact, the same krayt dragon can be seen roaring in the distance every hour or so, too, as well as the SAME giant skeletal ribcage. STINKY-O heads sideways from his current position so as to change his surroundings. It turns out that he is trapped in an endless sphere that he has no hope of escaping.

He wakes up. It is a cold desert night; he had been sleeping under a rock protrusion.)

STINKY-O: Yaaawn. Oh, my joints are almost frozen.

(A band of MONKS comes up to him, chanting:

Yom Yee Yamee
Yom Yee Yamee
Yum Ya De De Yumm
Yum Ya De De Yumm

They carry STINKY-O off to a great temple, where he is strapped to a table. On another table, R2-Detour can be seen.)

R2: Whippa Woppa Doodle Doo

STINKY-O: R2! Thank goodness you're here!

CHAWAHWAW#1: Zooka Lom Looma Chee-Chaw Dis-Dosh Oota Moota Pookie

STINKY-O: He said we was goin' ta be fed to the Mighty Metal God!

(A giant metal monster looms before the two droids, like a metal monster looming above droids.)

SUDDENLY

VOICE: WAIT! WAIT! I need some droids bad! Uncle Bob need's 'em! If I don't get him some droids fast, my a** is IN for it!

CHAWAHWAW#1: Hooten Tooten Nottin Choo Cho Beeka Deeka Neeka Peeka Sheeka!

(The metal monster goes back inside it's cage.)

(Enter MARCUS STREETWALKER)

MARCUS: Thanks. Okay, you two. I'm your new master now. Come along.

EXT.-PATOOTIE-DESERT-DAY

(Four IMPERIOUS STOMPTROOPERS mill about in front of the half-buried life-pod that brought Artoo and Stinky-O to Patootie.)

TROOP#1: It is particularly obvious that some being of some nature was in this escape-pod at some time. As you can see, the tracks that he, she, or it left behind go off in this direction.

(A second trooper picks up a small bit of metal and holds it up in the air for all to see.)

TROOP#2: Excuse me, but I have studied washers, the various makes of washers, and the uses thereof, and I have determined that this one obviously belongs to a droid of some kind.

 

Back to the top

 

I have to go now. The library closes in one hour.

Where IS everyone?

Vac, tabhwd, Purp, anyone?

 

Top.

 

UNCLE O-WAN: Bout time you brought home some droids to help out around here. Go on to the garage and clean 'em up before supper.
MARCUS: But I wanted to go pick up some Taco Bell game medallions.

Whack

O-WAN: As long as you're living in my hole in the ground, you'll do as I say. Besides, the tacos will spoil your appetite.

*all I've got for now*

 

TO THE TOP!!

STREETWALKER: I'm not sure if these droids are gonna work out, but even if they don't I wanna submit my application to the academy this year.

O-WAN: You mean before the harvest? You know how hard it is to harvest the buckets of moisture out there.

STREETWALKER: I know. I'm too stupid to be accepted into the academy anyway, but I was hoping I could whine my way in.

O-WAN: I don't think so.

STREETWALKER: Well fine then, be that way. I'm gonna take a look at those droids. I'll be back for supper a**hole!

<INT: Storage room>

STREETWALKER: Awwww, it's just not fair. Bic is right. I'm never gonna get out of this place.

R2: Beep babble whoop whooop ddzzwwonk

STREETWALKER: You gotta lotta crap stuck in here real good. What have you guys been doing? (Streetwalker fall backwards as the crap comes flying loose and a holographic picture appears: PRINCESS LEE)

PRINCESS LEE: Help me Ob-Ewan Adobe. I've tried charter but I can't get help there so I need to get help somewhere. You're my only hope

STREETWALKER: (seeing stars) WOW, she is absolutely georgeous. Can you make the holo bigger R2? I wouldn't mind seeing more of her in this messa-
[WHACK WHACK WHACK]

G.L.: Hey be nice, he doesn't know it's his sister.

STREETWALKER: I'm gonna go talk to my aunt and uncle again. WHACK

STREETWALKER: Hey, I wasn't stating the obvious, I think.

 

INT. LARKS HOMESTEAD --DINING AREA

MARCUS: Y'know, I think that R2 unit we bought might have been stolen.

O-WAN: What the hell makes you think that?

MARCUS: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone named Ob-Ewa-

WHACK!

O-WAN: Shut the hell up, you filthy bast***!

MARCUS: But I-

O-WAN: I SAID shut UP!!!

MARCUS: But why-

Whack!

O-WAN: Ya' wanna open your mouth some more?
Huh?

(MARCUS starts sobbing.)

Whack!

O-WAN: **** you, crybaby! You wanna cry?
C'mon, cry some more for me, b***h!

(MARCUS tries to stifle his sobbing, but it's a failed attempt)

Whack!
Whack!

O-WAN: GET THE **** OUT OF MY G*****N HOUSE!
I NEVER WANNA SEE YOUR SORRY A** AGAIN!
AND TAKE THE DROIDS WITH YOU!

(Sulking, Marcus walks out, loads the droids into his sandspeeder, and takes off.)

(INSERT EVENTS FROM 'TROOPS' HERE)

 

Marcus enters the garage to find that R2 has already left, searching for OB-EWAN MCNOBI.
Along the way, Marcus gets out of the speeder to look around. Suddenly one of the Sandpoopies jumps up and smacks hin with a tire tool.

SANDPOOPIE: Squeal like a pig boy!

A loud noise that sounds like a tractor pull 10 miles away can be heard. All of the sandpoopies leave to go watch.

BEEN-THERE appears and leads Marcus and the droids into his hut.

BEEN-THERE: The Jundland Waste are not to be traveled lightly. Remember when I saved yours and Windy's arses out here?

MARCUS: That scene was only in the radio drama.

Whack

BEEN-THERE: No backtalk. Now why are you here?

MARCUS: This freaking droid ran off, looking for OB-EWAN MCNOBI.

BEEN-THEREb-Ewan? I haven't heard that name since your mother and I...

MARCUS: Huh? You knew my mother?

BEEN-THERE: Back to droid.

MARCUS: I found part of a message for someone called OB-EWAN.

BEEN-THERE: AH, I found it.

LEE:General Ob-Ewan, you once helped my father during the Clown Wars. Now we need your help again. There are secret plans inside this droid you must take to him. You're my only hope.

MARCUS: Hey she's a babe. Do you think you could hook me up with her?

Whack

BEEN-THERE: That's your twin sister you idiot!

Whack

YOGA: Time to tell him, it is not. Two more movies, must you wait.

BEEN-THERE: How does he keep doing that?

 

INT. BEEN'S HUT

BEEN: We must go to All-Drained!

MARCUS: Okay. When do we go?

BEEN: As soon as I give you a brightsabre and after the Deadly Star conference room scene.

(He digs into an old trunk, pulls out various items and throws them aside.)

BEEN: It's GOT to be in there somewhere.)

(Among the items he throws out are three dirty magazines and a bunch of women's underwear.)

MARCUS: What the hell?

(BEEN grins sheepishly.)

BEEN: Old Jedi habit. Pay it no mind.

(He finally pulls out a long thin package of candy marked 'lifesavers')

BEEN: Your father wanted you to eat these. He got them at a ball game.

MARCUS: Thanks.

(BEEN then pulls out a set of car-keys.)

BEEN: These are to an all new Buick LeSabre that your father ALSO wanted you to have.
It's out back.

MARCUS: Gee, I...don't know what to say...

BEEN(pulling out a flashlight.): And this... is a flashlight. Damn, where IS it?

MARCUS(pulling out a long, black cyllender): Is THIS it, Been?

BEEN: Yeah. Give it to me.

MARCUS: Mine, or I will help you not!

Whack!

BEEN: I don't need your help! Just give it here.

(MARCUS hands it to him.)

BEEN: This...is a Jedi Brightsabre..not as clumsy or random as a blaster...an elegant weapon, from a more civilized day.

MARCUS: It's not a 'Jedis only' weapon!
In the early artwork of this movie, Stomptroopers carried them...and in the book-

Whack!

BEEN: Shut up! Now after the conference scene, we'll go to Most Easy and gamble a while.


INT. DEADLY STAR -- CONFERENCE ROOM

(Eight Imperious senators and generals sit around a conference table. Imperious Stomptroopers stand guard arond the room. Commander Taggetooten, a young, slimy-looking(really-the script says that!)general, is speaking.)

TAGGETOOTEN: Until this battlestation is FULLY operational, we are venerable - I mean - we're always venerable - vernibable - ver - in - damn - vincible! The Rebellion of Rebels is too well-equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.

(The bitter Admiral Mottle, the voice of arrogance, twists in his chair. He unwinds and says: )

MOTTLE: Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander, not to this battlestation.

TAGGETOOTEN: The Rebellious Rebellion of Rebels will continue to gain a support in the Imperious Senate as long as-

(Suddenly all heads turn as the Grand Moth Tarpin, holding a long leather leash with Darth Vacuous on the other end, enters.)

TARPIN: The Imperious Senate will no longer be of any concern to us (though the younger audience would be confused by this- Isn't the Imperious Senate part of,you know, the Imperium?). I've just received word that the Umpire has dissolved the council into a sticky liquid goo permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

TAGETOOTEN: That's impossible! How will the Umpire maintain control without the bureucracy?

TARPIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their territories.
They can make holidays, declare civil war, no one cares what they do! We burned every record of them, including the public archives building. I hear that one governor declared 'National Gungan Slaughter week.'
Fear will keep the LOCAL systems in line.

VACUOUS: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

TARPIN: Not yet, Vac!

VAC: Sorry.

TARPIN: Fear of this battlestation.

TAGGETOOTEN: And what of the Rebellers? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this battlestation, it is possible, however unlikely, that they could find a small exaust port that would just happen to lead to the main reactor!
Yes, they might find a weakness and accomplisment it.

TARPIN: Accomplisment it?

TAGGETOOTEN: I looked in a thesaurus for a longer way to say 'exploit'.

TARPIN: Context, you fool! Context!

VACUOUS: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

TARPIN: Everyone here is either too arrogant or too pessimistic. It's a wonder the Imperium is as strong as it is!

STUDY: This scene is boring me half to death. Get on with it!

MOTTLE: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless signal!

TARPIN: Signal?

MOTTLE:

 

SCENE: PATOOTIE, DAY A burning vehicle is out the middle of nowhere with dead Javas (coffee drinking desert dwellers) strewn about.

MARCUS: Looks like the Sandpoopies did this. There's a tire tool, a log chain and a 12 ga shotgun.

BEEN-THERE: No this was the work of Imperius Stomptroopers, Sandpoopies would have left empty beer cans everywhere and cut donuts in the sand with their pickups.

R2 starts a fire with a miniature flame thrower. See-Stinky-O drops a Java into the fire. The Java promptly jumps up and runs off across the desert, with his robes aflame.

JAVA: UTINIEEEEEEEE

MARCUS: Hey these are the Javas that I got the droids from. Find another live one,I want a refund.

 

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