A New Hope-Humorous Version

Hablo casi cinco a~os de espa~ol...oh, sorry. I've had almost five years of Spanish, and it looks good...

Mostly. Some little things. "Rojo" is usually the word for "red"...umm, "estacionar" is the verb they usually use for "to park" (form: estacionen, 'cause of being a Uds. command)...and...*g* "Caro" means "expensive," as in "leave your expensive in the white area." "Carro" or "coche" is the what they use for "car"...

But otherwise, damn impressive "bad translation," Purp. And this thread is awesome! *g*

 

I've had almost the exact same spanish teachers as Tyhei, and it looks good to me!

Excellent job!

In case you're curious, Altavista has a translator feature - it does words, sentences, and full web pages. Here's what it said for your sentence:

La zona roja está para las llegadas y las salidas solamente. Por favor parque en la zona blanca.

It's a very literal translation, and for all intents and purposes, yours is just as good.

[This message has been edited by Jaro (edited 09-24-1999).]

 

Thanks for the help. I believe if you translated my earlier attempt, it read, "The red area is for to arrive and to depart only. Please take out your car in the white area." That's not counting the fact that I spelled car and red wrong, and I think I made up the word 'departir'. Oh, well. Thanks again.

 

This doesn't really belong here, but since the same people are on this as were on the TPM humorous thread, they would know the answer to this question: Where is the completed, edited form of the TPM humorous edition? Did someone put it on their website? I remember someone talking about that, but I don't remember where it was going to be.

 

Well, actually, most of the TPM gang is still absent. I know study3600 was compiling the thread, but I haven't seen him for a long time now. If anyone out there does know where a copy is, I'd love one too.

 

Darth Vacuous stands near the Millenium Bug and looks around as if searching for something unseen...

Vacuous I sense something... Good God, what is that smell!?!

STOMPTROOPERS look around sheepishly

Deck Officer Sorry my lord, the cafeterias were only serving beans today.

Vacuous I can't believe this stench is getting through my respirator!

Deck Officerturning green Yes Sir, it is quite horrendous.

Several STOMPTROOPERS pass out and fall to the floor. A scanning crew carrying a large box nears the ship. The cover their nose in disgust.

Deck Officer I want every part of this ship checked.

 

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - HALLWAY

A trooper strides through the hallway with a rifle in his hands. He exits the ship, banging his head against the hull on the way out. There is a moment of silence, and suddenly several sections of the floor pop up. Marcus, Been and Hands stick their heads out.

MARCUS: (whining) Why'd you guys stick me in the compartment with the Cookiee? Man, this thing smells!

HANDS: At least we calmed him down first.

Chunky sticks his head out of one of the compartments. There is a syringe sticking out of his neck, and he is babbling in Cookieespeak.

MARCUS: It's a good thing you had those sedatives.

HANDS: They're tranquilizers, kid. Chunky gets a little riled sometimes, I need to keep those around. This is ridiculous. Even if we could take off, we'd never get past the tractor beam.

They all look at Been.

BEEN: Ohhh, no! I'm getting too old for this stuff. One of you can do it.

MARCUS: Come on, Been, we need to rescue the princess.

BEEN: Why? That little snot blew up her own planet!

MARCUS: Because it's in the script.

HANDS: Damn fool, I knew you were going to say that.

BEEN: Who's the bigger fool, the fool, or the fool who follows him, or the fool who follows him?

MARCUS: What about the fool who follows him?

BEEN: You mean the fool who follows the fool who is following the fool who is following the fool? Hmmm. I suppose he would be more foolish.

MARCUS: So what you're saying is... there's always a bigger fool?

GHOST OF LI-GON: Damn! Why didn't I think of that one?

[This message has been edited by Purp (edited 10-22-1999).]

 

ROTFLMAO! LOL! OMG!

That was...awesome! Mas!

 

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

Two stomptroopers are posted next to the ramp leading into the Millennium Fountain. Suddenly, Been walks out of the ship.

TROOP 1: Halt! What are you doing here?

BEEN: (waving his hand) You will come inside the ship and take off your armor.

TROOPERS: We will come inside the ship and take off our armor.

Two crewmen approach the ship carrying a heavy box.

CREWER: Hey! What's going on here? We're supposed to scan this ship!

BEEN: (waving his hand) You already scanned it. There wasn't anything aboard.

CREWERS: Oh, wait, we already scanned this ship. There wasn't anything aboard.

Darth Vacuous walks in, grumbling.

VACUOUS: Has anyone seen my keys? I seem to have dropped them- McNobi!

BEEN: ****! (waving his hand) You didn't see me.

VACUOUS: (in a hesitant voice) I... didn't see... you.

BEEN: (sweating from the effort) You left your keys somewhere else.

VACUOUS: I must have left my keys in my other armor. I'll go check it now.

He leaves. Marcus sticks his head out of the Foutain.

MARCUS: Been, what the hell's taking so long?

BEEN: This is tougher than it looks, all right?

A voice suddenly crackles over one of the stomptrooper's commsets.

VOICE OVER TROOPER COMM: TK-421, what the **** is going on down there?! Who's that old guy?

BEEN: (waving his hand) There is no old man.

VOICE: Never mind, I was wrong. There isn't any old man down there. But what's that blond kid doing?

BEEN: Oh, to hell with it!

Been whips out his brightsabre and slices the troopers and crewmen in half. He looks up at the control room and pinches his fingers. There is a choked gasp from the comm, then silence.

BEEN: Come on, let's go.

INT. DEADLY STAR - FORWARD BAY - COMMAND OFFICE

Marcus and Hands, dressed as stomptroopers, enter along with Been, Chunky, and the droids. Hands closes the door, then rips off his helmet and glares at Been.

HANDS: 'I'll use the Force,' he says. Great idea, old man! You nearly got us caught!

BEEN: Hey, even Jedi have bad days.

HANDS: We board an Imperious battle station, and everyone gets delusions of grandeur.

[This message has been edited by Purp (edited 09-28-1999).]

 

Purp, I didnt get a chance to erase my post,partly cause im not sure how to do it , but I'll look into it later. meanwhile , I hope the mistake of simutanous post dont pops up. In any case....

IMPERIAL STATION SCENE:

HANDS,CHUNKY,BEEN,MARCUS THE TWO DROIDS ARE PLANNING THEIR ESCAPE.....

MARCUS: Y'know, between his howling and your blasting its any wonder that no one in the station doesnt know were here

HANDS: Shut the **** up wussy boy, your old man here was actin like Ob-Ewan from the TPM humorous version a little while go getting us in this joint, so dont catch no atitude with me. Besides i prefer a fair fight to all this sneaking around

MARCUS: Then whats the point of you trying to avoid Pizza the Hutt back on Tatooine, if you " prefer a fair fight ?"

EVERYONE LOOKS AT HANDS FOR A GOOD MINUTE

HANDS( looking away from everyone ): I'll...uh... get back to you on that one, but we need to get out of here

ARTOO DETOO IS SCANNNING THE COMPUTER TO FIND THE TRACTOR BEAM SWITCH AS HE DISCOVERS IT. IT IS APPARENT THAT BEEN MUST BE THE ONE TO GO ON THIS ALL BUT IMPORTANT SUICIDE MISSION.

BEEN: I dont think you sorry excuse for heroes can help me on this. I must go alone.
stay here

HANDS: No problem with me old man

MARCUS: But I can come and help you ....

BEEN: Marcus , pleeeeese stop your whining. getting on my nerves with that ****,for real. Stay and see these droids safely to all drained, if we should fail,then other star systems that fall pray to the imperious forces will pray for you demise on every level. And if they know that i was involved in your foul ups, then i wont hear the end of it in the after life. ask my late master, believe me, he'll tell you.

BEEN TOUCHES THE DOOR THAT OPENS QUICKLY WHICH SHOWS THE LARGE AND SURPRISINGLY EMPTY CORRIDORS WITH NO GUARDS PATROLLING IN SIGHT.

BEEN: Your destiny lies on a different path young mind.

MARCUS: Really, what is it ?

BEEN: Whats is what ?

MARCUS: Destiny.

BEEN: Whose destiny ?

MARCUS: Mines.

BEEN: What about it ?

MARCUS clearly fustrated at this point ): What path does my destiny lie on ?

BEEN AND MARCUS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD MINUTE WITHOUT BLINKING.....

BEEN: How the **** should I know, I'm only speaking rhetorically..

MARCUS: Thats all you ve been doing ever since Ive known you. you never give straight answer to questions, you allways have a bad feeling about something, How did you become a Jedi Knight anyway ? You speak in stupid a** riddles that makes absolutely no type of sense.....

BEEN: Marcus...all I said was that I didnt know what path your destiny lies. That was said to make you reflect on a something that you must do that is bigger than following me, To follow a path that, even though uncertain, will bring you great rewards if you are brave and fearless in your struggle against evil.

ARTOO DETOO : BEEP, WHISTLE, BEEP, BEEP, SQUARKK, TOOT, TOOT ( Damn, that **** was deeeeeep )

BEEN: Do you understand what it is I'm saying marcus ?

MARCUS : WHAT?

BEEN: Exactly... The force with be with you... always.

BEEN WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AND THE DOOR CLOSES EVEN FASTER, CHUNKY GIVES A GROWL IN RESPONSE TO THAT LONG BORING SPEECH..

HANDS: Yeah, you said it Chunky. Where did

SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS UP...

BEEN: And remember marcus, when all else fails... Theres allways a bigger fish .

AFTER WHICH THE DOORS SLAMS BACK SHUT

So speaks the General

 

IMPERIOUS STATION SCENE

HANDS: Where did you dig up that old fossel

MARCUS: Been is a great man..he may not have a complete grasp of the concept of Jedi's with common sence, but at least he's brave and fearless. He's probably right now, even as we speak, putting together a plan to foil the plans of the bad guys......

IN ANOTHER SEPERATE SCENE, WE SEE THE " BRAVE AND FEARLESS " BEEN DOING WHAT " BRAVE AND FEARLESS " MEN DO BEST...


BEEN: ( INSIDE THE COCKPIT OF A TIE FIGHTER ) Owwww !!!!! G*dammit, How can you hot wire this thing, I got to get the **** up on out of here. Whining brats,smelly cookies and retarded nearsighted smugglers is not going to be the death of me. Nosireebob, old been is taking the high road of this godforsakin rock...

SUDDENLY, A SPIRIT APPEARS IN BACK OF BEEN

LI-GON'GHOST: So you taking the chicken **** way out huh ?

BEEN: I havent the foggiest idea what your talking about

LI-GON'S GHOST: Hmmmmmmm, trying to hot wire an enemies' space craft is not taking the easy way out ?

BEEN: Lets just say that i'm finally realizing that what you said a long time time ago when we was at the Jedi temple has a lot of merit.

LI-GON'S GHOST: And that was...

BEEN: " I must do what I must......

LI-GON'S GHOST: I never thought that I would live ( even though I am actually deceased )to see the day where my Padawan learner would turn into such a punkified, wimpified, homogenized, pasturized, petrified, sissified shell of a jedi knight

BEEN: You dont know what its like to travel with the company that I was with... it was like having four jab jab rinks constantly getting on your last nerves over stupid assinine ****

LI-GON GHOST: Dont center on your anixeties, Ob-Ewan, keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.

BEEN: will you give it a rest, Li-gon ! geez, you been repeating the same stupid lines from TPM even when you've been dead for the past 40 years. Did it ever occure to you that after 40 years of listening to you repeating the same phrases, that I might..oh I dont know....DONT GIVE A **** !!!!!!!!!

LI-GON'S GHOST: And as you dont give a ****, you should always be mindful of the living force, young padawan. That way, you would know that despite the odds against you giving a ****, there's always a bigger fish.

BEEN slumping to the floor of the ship while sobbing ) Li-Gon, please stop it, I am slowly losing my sanity. Do you have anything worthwhile to say thats not TPM related ?

LI-GON'S GHOST: Only this......

THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD MINUTE WITHOUT BLINKING

LI-GON'S GHOST: ... That I forsee you becoming a great jedi knight..

BEEN: Here we go again....

LI-GON'S GHOST: And that you are a much wiser man than I am..

BEEN: not wise enough to leave when I had the chance, G*dammit

So speaks The General

 

Sorry for the interruption but I am ROTFLMAO!!!! just thought you would like to know someone is reading this

 

Thanks Mutley, its really good to hear from you again after so long. this post has been ( no pun intended )a blast so far.


So speaks The General

 

wow this story keeps geting better but i say more whacks! wait put down that...no don't please...i beg of you!
whack
whack
whack
whack
ow!! damm that hurt!
Voice of yoda- hehe whack you i did!

 

IMPERIOUS STATION SCENE:

MARCUS: Like I said, been is a great man..

HANDS: Yeah, great into getting us into trouble

MARCUS: Why you stuck up , half witted, scruffy looking,...nerfherder ! Who do you...

ARTOO DETOO INTERRUPTS THE TWO QUARRLING EXCUSE FOR HEROES TO LET THEM KNOW THAT PRINCESS LEE IS HERE ON THE DEATH WISH STAR

MARCUS: The princess shes here

HANDS: Princess, whats going on?

ARTOO DETOO BEEPS AND WHISTLE A SECOND TIME AND STINKY-O RELATES THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE

STINKY-O : The princess is in detetion level....uh...uh... something, something nubian

LI-GONS'S GHOST: Hmmmmmm, where have I heard that before ?

STINKY-O: I'm afraid that shes scheduled to be whacked

MARCUS: Holy ****, we gotta do something

HANDS: Do what, little whining farmers boy?

MARCUS: Shes the onne in the message , we gotta help her

HANDS: Is you ****in crazy, bad enough we are trapped in this station without no back up,limited artillary, no food or medical resources, and now you want us to rescue some bimbo who I dont know or had any sexual contact with....I think not !

MARCUS: You got to be joking

HANDS: Besides, the old man told us to stay right here

MARCUS: Listen, you have been ( no pun intended )raving about not having enough hard core steven segal action to satisfy you, now all you wanna do is stay ?

HANDS: Marching into a detention cell is not my Idea of hard core action...more like suicide

MARCUS: But they're gonna execute her...

MARCUS STARES AT HANDS FOR A GOOD MINUTE HOPING THAT THE VERY WORDS OF DEATH OF AN INNOCENT AND HELPLESS PRINCESS IN MORTAL DANGER WOULD AWAKEN THE HERO WITHIN OUR...WELL... HERO. HANDS NOW TURNS TO MARCUS AND MAKES HIS DARING DECISION KNOWN, A DECISION THAT WILL MARK HANDS DOWN IN THE ANNELS OF HUMAN COURAGE AND VALOR...

HANDS: **** that B**ch !!!

MARCUS : WHAT????!!!!

HANDS: You heard me, **** her, I mean, she aint my woman for me to be risking life and limb over

MARCUS: Oh my God, shes the friggin princess for crying out load !!!!

HANDS: And... what has she done for me lately ?

MARCUS SENSING THAT THE ARGUMENT IS ALMOST LOST TURNS TO HIS ACE IN THE HOLE...

MARCUS (whispering in hands ear): She's rich.

CHUNKY LETS OUT A ROAR OF APPROVEL

HANDS : Rich ? you mean this broad got money?

MARCUS: Oh yeah, loads of it.

HANDS: I'm talking about, does this B**ch got C.H.C.O.H.

MARCUS: C.H.C.O.H.? whats that ?

HANDS: Cold Hard Cash On Hand.

MARCUS: Listen, they give rewards for the rescue of a princess

HANDS: How much ?

MARCUS: More wealth than you can imagine

HANDS: If I can imagine having wild, meaningless unprotective sex with Carrie Fisher, I can imagine quite a bit !

MARCUS: You'll get it you greedy mutha****a, I know you want the money. Your life serves no other purpose. I mean can you picture your self as anything else other than a two bit thug and hoodlum ?

HANDS : I can imagine myself as a well respected General of a small rebel alliance one day..

MARCUS ( Laughing hard ): Who told you that lie ?!!

So speaks The General

 

Funny-Funny! What happened to Study3600?

 

more more.

 

More!...please?

 

More!!!!!






Jaina Solo

 

IMPERIOUS STATION SCENE:

HANDS: You better be right about this. Cause if your not...I will mop up the floor with your monkey a** my damn self. Okay kid, whats your plan.

MARCUS : Ummmm

MARCUS REACHES OVER TO GRAB A PAIR OF SnM CUFFS, A WHIP, AND SOME KY JELLY AND WALKS OVER TO CHUNKY...

MARCUS: Okay, now i'm gonna put this on you..

CHUNY LETS A FIERCE SNARL AT MARCUS FOR EVEN THINKING ALONG THOSE LINES

MARCUS: Uhhh errrr, 0okay, hands, you put these on him

HANDS: Marcus, I'm insulted at you even thinking I get down like that

HE TAKES THE CUFFS AND PUTS IT ON CHUNKY

HANDS: Dont worry chunky, I think I know what he has in mind

STINKY-O : Sir i dont think it would be too much trouble to ask what should we do if artoo and I are discovered

MARCUS: Lock the door

HANDS: And hope that they dont have blasters

STINKY-O: Thats it ? Nothing else ?

HANDS ( Looking at Stinky-o with a surprised expression ): Yeah ! thats it... what the ***k you think you was gonna do.

STINKY-O : Well.. I ..could defend my self y'know.

MARCUS: You got to be kidding me. With what? your fluency in over six million forms of communication ? what the ***k is you talking about.

STINKY-O: Listen, Im not sitting here waiting to be blown to hell while you sorry sons of jawas try to rescue a woman who has not the least bit of attraction for either of you..... Literally.

HANDS: Well, regardless of anything, you cant work her middle, cause your things too little.

STINKY-O : Sir, I dont have a ...thing.

HANDS: My point exactly .

MARCUS( Scratches his hair ): I dont get it.

HANDS: When you become a bona fied sex symbol like myself... you will.

THEY BOTH LEAVE THE ROOM

 

INT. DEADLY STAR - DETENTION AREA

Marcus and Hands march through the Deadly Star, trying to look inconspicuous. Several crewers throw curious glances at Chunky, whose hands are bound. After a short wait, an elevator arrives. The trio steps in.

HANDS: I can't see a thing in this helmet!

MARCUS: Maybe you should put on your glasses.

HANDS: For the last time, I don't need glasses!

The elevator door closes, cutting off Chunky's muffled laughter.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN HALLWAY

Several stomptroopers walk in formation down the hallway. After they pass, Been sticks his head out from behind a column. Stealthily, he makes his way unseen through the battle station. He quickly ducks out of sight as the menacing figure of Darth Vacuous appears in the hallway. Vacuous passes by, oblivious to Been's presence. Suddenly, the old man slips out of concealment and lightly touches Vacuous' back. The Sith Lord whirls about, but Been has already slipped back into hiding. Confused, Vacuous continues walking. As he passes the camera, we can see that Been stuck a piece of paper to Vacuous' cape saying, "KICK ME"

 

IMPERIOUS STATION- DETENTION PRISONER CELL ELEVATOR

HANDS: Y'know kid, i dont think this is gonna work

MARCUS: Why didnt you say that before

HANDS: I did say this before

MARCUS SHRUGGS HIS SHOULDERS AND AWAITS THE ARRIVAL OF THE DESTINATED FLOOR. THE DOOR SOON OPENS AND OUT STEPS OUR SORRY SONS OF JAWAS READY TO RESCUE OUR FAIR MAIDEN...

A OFFICER (WHO IS LOOKING AT A CONTROL PANEL) LOOKS AT THE RATHER LARGE COOKIE IN CUFFS WITH A KEEN INTEREST

OFFICER: Where are you taking this... thing ?

MARCUS: Prisoner being transfered from cell block 1148.

OFFICER: I wasnt notified...I have to clear it

MARCUS: I dont think that is a good idea ..sir

OFFICER: Why

HANDS: Because these orders came directly from the commander himself

OFFICER: Commander ? and who might that be ?

HANDS: What do you mean " who might that be? ' you dont know the commander?

MARCUS: WHAT?!!. Please tell me you know who the commander is. Dont sit up here and tell me , you dont know who the commander is?!!!

OFFICER ( Loking a tad bit nervous ): I dont know who the commander is...

MARCUS: Bull**** !!!!! you know who the ***k the commander is. Dont ***kin sit up her and lie to me ! Why do you think we brought up this smelly, nasty, filthy, diseased animal with little or no brain patterns just so your lazy, retarded a** can sit up here and tell us you dont know who the commander is! These orders came from the commander! Everybody in the Deadly Star knows who the commander is. You mean to tell me, You, out of everybody in this big a** space station, dont know who the commander is ?!!!

THE OFFICER AT THIS POINT, IS SWEATING UP A STORM..

MARCUS: WELL?!! Dont just stand there looking like a complete a**hole, Do you know who he is ?!!!

OFFICER: I.... Uhhh..... I... Oh God, I....

HANDS: Get a hold of yourself you ***kin sissy. Answer the G**damn question !!!!

OFFICER: Uhhhhhh .... Commander..uhhh..

MARCUS: Lets go, while we're young !!!

OFFICER: Uhhhh commander...RIKER ?

MARCUS: Bull**** !!!! You know who the ***k he is. Tellin us some stupid **** like that.Is you crazy?!! how did you get this job ? who did you see? who did you ***k ? who is your relative ? I dont what to say.. listen just move! get the hell out of here!!
Oooooo Boy, just wait 'till I tell the commander about this one!!

HANDS: This is bad.. this is really bad. you really done it, now.

OFFICER: Oh my God, what have I done ?!!!

IN HIS GRIEF, THE GUARD GRABS A BLASTER THEN TRIES TO KILL HIMESELF

MARCUS: Holy ****! look out hes got a gun !!

MARCUS AND HANDS PROCEED TO DRAW THEIR GUNS AND START FIRING WILDLY AT RANDOM SHOOTING THE CAMERAS LOCATED ON THE WALL AND DOORWAYS
THE OFFICER,UNFORTUNATELY GOT CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE. AFTERWARDS THE HEROES PROCEED TO FIND THE PRINCESS, BUT NOT WITHOUT THE ALARMS GOING OFF.....HANDS IS NOW AT THE CONTROL PANEL...

HANDS: Now all we gotta do is find out which cell this princess of yours is in...here it is.cell number something something. you go get her, i'll hold everything here.

HANDS CLICK ON THE PANEL SWITCH

HANDS: Detention here...

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: We have a priority one call from The commander.

HANDS( In a state of shock ): WHAT?!! Commander who..?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: You mean to tell me, you dont know who the commander is?

HANDS: I...Uhhh....I..Oh God...I..Commander..Riker ?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Correct! Hes on line now.

HANDS: Patch me through.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: You're on, commander Riker..

RIKER ( Sounding really pissed off): What the ***K is going ON down there?!

HANDS: We brought the cokkie up to the area as you requested sir.. the officer that was stationed there just had a nervous break down, and in the mist of him going crazy, we had a rather large radiation leakage.

RIKER: Son, can I ask a really stupid question?

HANDS: Yes sir?

RIKER: How can a man having a nervous break down cause a radiation leakage ?

HANDS: Uhhhhh..

RIKER: Listen, while you'll try to answer that question, I'll send a couple of my best stormtroopers up there to tear your ***kin throats out.. hows that for starters? huh? And while I'm

 

<<LOL! Great post, RIKKAN! >>

INT. DEADLY STAR - CELL ROW

Marcus stops at one of the cells and opens the door. Inside, the beautiful Princess Lee is shaving her legs.

LEE: Christ! Don't you people ever knock?

Marcus doesn't answer, too busy ogling her bare legs, completely unaware that he is in fact checking out his twin sis-

Whack

Hey!

Quiet. There's no need give that away right now.

But everyone already knows it!

Too bad. They'll have to wait until RotJ.

Fine. *Ahem* Marcus is too busy ogling Princess Lee, making everyone who has seen RotJ gag as they know of a certain connection between the two.

LEE: Aren't you a bit short for a stomptrooper?

MARCUS: Aren't you a bit flat for a princess?

LEE: (bristling) Who do you think you are?

MARCUS: (pulling off his helmet) I'm Marcus Streetwalker, I'm here to rescue you.

LEE: Please tell me this is a joke.

MARCUS: I'm here to rescue you! I've got your R2 unit, I'm here with Been-There McNobi!

LEE: (groaning) Oh my god, you're serious. This is his idea of a rescue?

Fed up, Marcus grabs Lee and drags her from the room, complaining the entire way.

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM

Darth Vacuous stands at one end of a table, addressing Tarpin.

VACUOUS: He is here.

TARPIN: Ob-Ewan McNobi? What makes you think so?

VACUOUS: Because we have to have a plot.

TARPIN: Surely you must be mistaken. Plotlines are extinct, replaced by special effects and CGI characters. You, my friend, are all that remains of that ancient religon.

The commlink buzzes quietly. Tarpin activates it.

TARPIN: Yes?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: We have an emergency situation in detention area AA-twenty-three.

TARPIN: The princess? Put all sectors on alert!

VOICE: Uh... how do I that?

TARPIN: What? Who is this?

VOICE: Uh, Ensign Ricky, sir. It's my first day.

TARPIN: (sighing) There should be a big red button next to your right hand. Push it.

Alarms and sirens begin blaring all over the Deadly Star.

COMPUTER VOICE: Thank you for activating the self-destruct sequence. This station will self-destruct in twenty seconds.

TARPIN: No, your other right!

The alarms shut off.

VOICE: (sheepishly) Sorry, sir.

Tarpin irritably slaps off the intercom.

TARPIN: (muttering) I told them they needed to raise the minimum IQ to join the army, but do they listen? Noooooo...

VACUOUS: Ob-Ewan is here. The plot is with him.

TARPIN: What? Oh, right. If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape.

VACUOUS: (with genuine menace) He will not escape. I must face him, alone.

His black cape trailing behind him, Darth Vacuous storms from the conference room, his armored form the embodiment of evil.

Except for the KICK ME sign still taped to his back.

[This message has been edited by Purp (edited 10-22-1999).]

 

DEADLY STAR DETENTION AREA

HANDS SEE THAT THE STOMPTROOPERS ARE ABOUT TO COME THROUGH THE ELEVATOR DOOR TELLS CHUNKY TO GET READY

HANDS( Yelling at chunky ): Get behind me! Its time to rock n roll baby!!!

THE DOOR EXPLODES AND THE STOMPTROOPERS STARTS TO FIRE THEIR WEAPONS. HANDS RETURN THE FIRE IN KIND BUT NOT WITHOUT HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS.

AS THE BATTLE RAGES ON..

HANDS: C'mon fall back

RIPLEY: Medical, get to medical

HANDS IS FIRING WILDLY WITH CHUNKY RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AND VASQUEZ TO THE FAR LEFT

HUDSON: Mutha****a!!, C'mon! come and get it baby. yeah! c'mon you bast**ds. Take some of this!! Oh, you want some of this too, ***k you !!

A STOMPTROOPER BREAKES OPEN THE FLOOR UNDER HUDSON AND TRIES TO PULL HIM DOWN

HUDSON( While strugglin violently ): Arrhhhggg...***K YOU !!!!! HE FIRES HIS LASER WEAPON THROUGH THE FLOOR BUT THE SHEER NUMBER OF STOMPTROOPERS IS TOO MUCH FOR EVEN HIM

HUDSON( Screamin ): HANDS !!!!!

HANDS While grabbing Hudson's arm to try to pull him up ) HUDSON!!!!!

HUDSON( With the stomptroopers finally pulling him down): Save meeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A STOMPTROOPER LEAPS OVER HANDS BUT HE CATCHES THE ENEMY A POINT BLANK RANGE WITH HIS LASER RIFLE.

HE GETS TO CONTINUE THE FIGHT

VASQUEZ: C'mon Hands, move!!!

HANDS RUNS TO THE BACK PART OF THE HALLWAY. CHUNKY IS STILL DOING HIS PART TO HOLD OFF THE ENENMIES WHILE MARCUS AND PRINCESS LEE COMES OUT OF THE CELL.

PRINCESS LEE: Looks like you manage to cut off our only escape route..

RIPLEY: **** !! I'll say he has, Burk ! Open this door!! Burk?! Open it !!

HANDS: Maybe you would like back in your cell your highness. Marcus! please tell this b**ch to shut the ***k up, I cant concentrate on being a hero with this broad flappin her gums!!!

MORE BLASTER FIRE PENETRATES THE HALL. MEANWHILE VASQUEZ USES GRENADE LAUNCHERS TO KEEP SOME MORE STOMPTROOPERS AT BAY. SHE SOON RUNS BACK TO JOIN OUR HEROES

PRINCESS LEE: This is some rescue! You mean you dont even have a plan for an escape?!

WHACK !!!

HANDS: You still talkin?! B**ch, what the ***k I just told you..

WHACK

MARCUS: Hey, Hands. Take it easy on her. Shes only tryin to help

HANDS: Hes the brains.. sweetheart!!!

PRINCESS LEE THEN GRABS MARCUS' LASER BLASTER AND TELLS VAZQUEZ, WHO WAS MAKING A WAY OUT WITH THE MINI BLOWTORCH SHE WAS USING, TO MOVE OUT THE WAY. SHE THEN BLASTES A BIG GIANT HOLE IN THE WALL

HANDS: What the hell are you doing?!!!

PRINCESS LEE: Never send a SON to do a MOTHER'S job.

THE PRINCESS STARTS TO FIRE AT THE TROOPERS WHO WAS CAUGHT UNPREPARED FOR THE PRECISION AND STYLE OF THE WARRIOR MAIDEN ATTACK.

PRINCESS LEE( Yelling at hands ): Get in the chute fly boy!!!

BEFORE THE PRINCESS JUMPS IN, RIPLEY JUMPS IN FRONT OF HER YELLIN IN THE HOLE

RIPLEY: Newt! Hang on baby!!!

VOICE OF NEWT: Riiiiiipleyyyyyyyyyyyyy

RIPLEY: Dont let go!!! I'm coming !!!!

SHE THEN JUMPS IN THE CHUTE. PRINCESS LEE LOOKS AT MARCUS WITH A LOOK OF CONFUSION

PRINCESS LEE: Who was that woman?!

SHE JUMPS IN, LEAVING MARCUS, CHUNKY AND HANDS STILL FIGHTING. CHUNKY LOOKS AT THE HOLE AND LETS OUT A ROAR OF DISAPPROVAL

HANDS: Get in there you big hairy oaf, I dont care what you smell

HE KICKS HIM DOWN THE CHUTE

HANDS( While still firing at the troopers ): Marcus?!!, If we ever get out of here alive, I swear to God, im gonna tear a new frame out your a** for talkin me into this.

MARCUS( While jumpin down the chute ): But at least you'll get the moneeeeeeeyyyyyyyy

SOON AFTERWARDS, HANDS JUMPS IN

So speaks The General

 

P.S.- This Post is dedicated to both you,PURP and Darth Vacuous. I was reading the TPM humorous late last night and the scenes with palpatine and amadala had me on the floor.

thanks for the complement Purp. Coming from old verteran pros like yourself I am truly blessed. I mean who can top your classic Li-Gon " Death scene" from the TPM humorous version. Lets keep this thing going till the bitter end.. this is too much fun

hey STUDY 36OO, where are you at? C'mon boy dont leave us hanging like SPEAK did when he created the TPM thread. get your butt back down here.


So speaks The General