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Saga A New Weapon (a Luke poem)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by obaona, Jan 6, 2005.

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  1. obaona

    obaona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2002
    Thanks for clicking. :D


    Title: A New Weapon
    Summary: Do poems have summaries? :p
    A/N: Thanks and fault go to LianaMara for this one. :p She told me to write a poem, I said that would be too hard for poor, un-poem-educated me, and she said, "Do it free verse!" And thus, here we are. :p Thanks for being persistent and then looking it over for me, Liana. [:D]


    Feedback is, as always and ever and for eternity, appreciated. :)



    He'd forgotten
    how quiet
    it could be at night.

    When he stood
    inside walls, the wind had always been
    a thing of sound.
    Here the chill was silent,
    the wind serenely moving the desert,
    the vastness
    not marred by the shattering,
    abrupt
    moments of violence and survival.
    He closed his eyes, the chill wind moving
    around him, himself a break
    to the unseen pattern.
    The slashes of memory became real
    once again,
    the choking, horrific smell
    suddenly vivid
    once again.

    He opened his eyes to the starlight,
    turning
    his gaze upward in hopes
    of peace,
    where before there had been dreams.
    He refused to dream now,
    the pieces of hope
    being rearranged
    into nightmares.
    Those were dark, undeniable,
    but he could no more change them
    than the pattern of the winds
    slowly shaping the desert.
    He, too, would be shaped.

    As elegance?
    The shadow
    of a more civilized time.
    Or something hard and jagged,
    forceful and powerful,
    overwhelming and alone.
    That path
    was before him in a yawning crevice,
    the footholds becoming
    less and
    less.
    Neither had he wished.

    He danced away
    on the fractured path,
    more graceful now
    than he had ever been.
    All would be,
    in due time.
    Now there was friendship,
    and a rescue to be planned. Love to be played out
    as action.
    The dreams were nothing,
    there was no mist on Tatooine.
    The stars were
    mere representations,
    idols once held high.

    True power was quiet
    and slow,
    the sand shifting a whole world.
    Forgiveness was quiet.
    Love was forgiveness.
    In the walls where once
    the wind had been loud,
    that had been unspoken,
    yet acted.
    And remembered, now.

    A new weapon had been forged.
    >
     
  2. JediMindTrick000

    JediMindTrick000 Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 14, 2004
    Awesome. AS a fellow poet-on-occasion, it pleases me to be the first to reply. Your structure was magnificent, and the poem flowed unbelievably well. It was not choppy one bit, and the meaning within the poem itself was moving and powerful. Two thumbs up from your friendly neighborhood JMT. :cool:
     
  3. Gabri_Jade

    Gabri_Jade VIP star 5 VIP

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2002
    Lovely, dear. [face_love] I know naught of poems, but this one is very pretty and evocative, and flows nicely. Good job, oba. :D Thanks for pushing her, Liana. :p
     
  4. Gina

    Gina Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    Oh, this was beautiful, obaona.
     
  5. Laine_Snowtrekker

    Laine_Snowtrekker Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 8, 2003
    Great poem. I could feel the emotion in the poem.
     
  6. Jedikma

    Jedikma Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    I'm not too well versed in poetry, either, but this was lovely. :)

    You did a good job for someone who doesn't know much about poetry. :D
     
  7. Leia

    Leia Jedi Grand Master star 2

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 1998
    What I love about poetry is the ability to be lyrical without the necessity of making sense. It's okay to leave your readers confused. In this case, though, I'd say it's not that you confuse the reader, but rather that you overwhelm her (yeah, that'd be me) with so many cool lines that she has to read it a time or two to fully appreciate it. ;) Yay for poetry. :D
     
  8. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    That was beautiful! I've always loved poetry, and find rainy days to be the perfect time to curl up with a good book of poetry to lift the gloom and lighten the heart (or to help me wallow in it if it is that kind of day). Lovely!
     
  9. Knight_Aragorn

    Knight_Aragorn Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2003
    Wow, loved this, Obaona. Beautiful flow of words and feeling - you can really feel that late-night quiet around Luke. :D

    True power was quiet
    and slow,
    the sand shifting a whole world.
    Forgiveness was quiet.
    Love was forgiveness.


    :eek: [face_love] Again, wow...just incredible. I love the way you use words in your writing.

    Excellent job!
     
  10. obaona

    obaona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2002
    JediMindTrick000: Wow, thanks! [face_blush] I'm glad you think it flowed smoothly, and liked the meaning. :D That was one of the hardest parts, figuring out what I wanted to say. :p

    Gabri_Jade: Thank you. :D I spent a lot of time on it (compared to how much I would spend on a viggie, anyway). I'm glad you liked! [:D]

    Gina: Thank you. @};-

    Laine_Snowtrekker: Thank you. :D I think that's important, in a poem like this. :p

    Jedikma: I read and reread and reread Liana's poems before writing this. [face_batting] Thank you! @};-

    Leia: *giggles* :D The thing that I love about poetry is it's ability to say so much with so little. To be able to create a mood and a feeling within just a few lines. With this, I suppose my intent was to overwhelm you - I wanted it to be short but convey a lot. :p Thank you! [face_blush] @};-

    VaderLVR64: Thank you. [face_blush] I certainly like to read poems sometimes - Liana's constantly, of course. ;) I'd recommend checking hers out. :D Thanks again. @};-

    Knight_Aragorn: Thank you. :D The interesting thing about this is that after writing it, I thought more about which words I used in my writing. Poetry makes you careful about what you say - good writing exercise, in that sense. Thanks again!
     
  11. jade_saber8000

    jade_saber8000 Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Oct 18, 2004
    thats deep dude. wish i could write poetry like that. ~Gabby
     
  12. LianaMara

    LianaMara Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 30, 2000
    [:D]

    Marvelous, Mum. :D I'm very glad I prodded you. ;)

    I think the greatest beauty of it is that you can express with a few lines what would take paragraphs - even a whole story - to explain in normal prose. The end, in particular, sticks with me even after the quadrillenth read-through; you worded everything so clearly, and so truly, that it really resounds with the reader.

    And if you're ever open to writing another poem - go for the Obi ANH one. Because my brain really wants that. :p


    Gabri- [face_blush] But don't forget . . . you're next! [face_mischief]
     
  13. obaona

    obaona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2002
    jade_saber8000: Thanks. [face_blush]

    Liana: I am too, honestly. :D [:D] It was really different doing this, and I enjoyed it. :D

    That's the thing I've admired about poetry, when I've seen it done - something said said so concisely, so beautifully. That's what I was going for here. I'm really glad you see that in it. [face_blush] Thank you, petit enfant. [:D]

    I'm open to writing another poem, we'll see if I get the bunny for it. ;)

    Thank you, again. [:D] Oh! And I got a PM entitled 'ACK!' from Gabri after she saw your reply here. [face_mischief]
     
  14. DreamOfKenobi

    DreamOfKenobi Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 4, 2004
    That was really beautiful and quite touching.
     
  15. obaona

    obaona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2002
    DreamOfKenobi: Thank you. :D
     
  16. lvk1978

    lvk1978 Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2004
    Thank goodness I keep stumbling into your work.

    He danced away
    on the fractured path,
    more graceful now
    than he had ever been.


    That's some mighty powerful imagery ya got there, m'am. Right purty, too! ;) And about Luke, too -- my mostest favorite character (right behind my Practically Perfect Jedi®, of course)!

    You know what? Silly as it seems, you remind me of that funny Sonic commercial -- "Call up the jeweler 'cause I just made another gem!"

    And you have...Brava!
     
  17. z-95headhunter

    z-95headhunter Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 17, 2005
    WOW! I guess Emmi forgot to tell me that you were a poet to. Great job.
     
  18. obaona

    obaona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2002
    lvk1978: Hehe, thank you. [face_blush] And just - LOL. 8-} I wanted powerful imagery, and the way things ended up interconnecting was cool, I think. :D Anywho. :p Thank you. :D

    z-95headhunter: It's my very first poem. :p Thank you. :D
     
  19. Mike-Sunrider

    Mike-Sunrider Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 4, 2003
    A very moving poem, nice job. It had a good structure.

    I am not really a big fan of poems, but i liked yours.

     
  20. obaona

    obaona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 18, 2002
    Mike-Sunrider: Thank you. :D I wasn't a big fan of poems either, but LianaMara's beautiful ones changed my mind. ;)
     
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