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Before - Legends A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor -- thanks for the noms!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by ardavenport, Sep 23, 2006.

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  1. ardavenport

    ardavenport Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 16, 2004
    Title: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch
    Author: ardavenport (aka Anne Davenport)
    Timeframe: pre-Episode I, pre-TPM, AU,
    Genre: humor, mindless fluff
    Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn
    Keywords Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi, Star Wars
    Summary: Get your very own Jedi. Instructions not included.
    Disclaimer: All characters belong to George and Lucasfilm; I?m just playing in their sandbox


    So, the first thing you want to do to live out your Star Wars fantasy is...

    ...get a Qui-Gon Jinn.

    Yeah, I know what you?re thinking. But it?s not that hard. A little weird science. A few extra dimensions. And BANG!! You?ve got yourself a Qui-Gon. Delivered right to your living room.

    You can get anything on ebay.

    My credit card is howling, but it?s worth it. Really.


    OK. There are a few things that I should have thought of...

    First, he wasn?t really planning on a stay at my place. He?s got missions and stuff to do. And he wanted Obi-Wan.

    I thought about it, but getting the two of them would have been way, waaaaaay too expensive. And my place has only one bedroom, and while this is a Star Wars fantasy, there?s just no way it could work with both. I had to pick one.

    He was upset. I totally understand that and I tried to be supportive. No, I just tried to get out of the way. He was pretty shocked when he looked outside, but he didn?t go running out in the street or anything. I was really afraid he?d get away. He did go into the backyard, but none of the neighbors saw him. It was night and he looked up at the stars and the moon for a bit, but you can?t really see much in the city.

    He nailed me when he came back inside.

    I forgot to take the action figures off the bookshelf.

    That was my bad.

    I pretty much had to give him the whole story about the Star Wars movies a LOT sooner than I had wanted to. Well, I was thinking about skipping that if I could, but that option was pretty much gone. He can be really intimidating. He?s pretty big.

    He didn?t get it at first. I mean, it was like explaining science fiction to my parents. But, I guess he finally got the part about being in a different world.

    Of course, he wanted to know how he got here, and how he could get back, but I managed to dodge that one by saying that I had no idea how it happened. He got that calm look on his face and waved his hand in front of me. I swear I felt something, but it didn?t work!

    Hah! Not so weak-minded, am I, Mr. Jedi?!

    He looked a little embarrassed, like he?d just farted or something, and he stopped asking.

    He said something about the Force flowing differently in this place.


    Now, I had made some plans. I did arrange to have the week off from work for this. So, I could spend all my time with Qui-Gon. I found out a lot, just the first night.

    Qui-Gon Jinn can eat anything. Really. Pizza, donuts, soup, diet drinks, carrots, peanut butter and relish sandwiches on pumpernickel bread. Anything. I guess he has to eat a lot of weird things all the time in the GFFA, so my fridge was no challenge to him.

    And he likes cats!

    I was so happy, I could have purred myself.

    Ten minutes later, I had a Jedi Knight covered with cat hair. Of course, Binky, the white persian, had to go for the dark, brown robe and Toottles, the gray tortoise-shell, was all over his lap. Cat hair magnet! Ack!

    But then he gets up and wipes it all off. Really. None of it stuck. He just brushed it all off with his hand into a fluff ball and it went into the trash. GFFA clothes. Wow.

    It was getting late and I, um, suggested we go to bed. He though that was fine until I said that I only had one bedroom and he could share my bed with me if he wanted. It was pretty lame and stupid, and
  2. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Master star 6

    Mar 1, 2002
    This was hilarious. I could just picture Qui-Gon using his lightsaber in the living room and looking all guilty but that wasn't going to stop him. Love that you got his robe in the end. The one bed - LOL.

    Great job. I'm still laughing.
  3. Layren

    Layren Jedi Master star 5

    Oct 28, 2003

    Absolutely priceless!! How many times have we likely fantasized about something of this nature? :p

    Yeah, I know what you?re thinking. But it?s not that hard. A little weird science. A few extra dimensions. And BANG!! You?ve got yourself a Qui-Gon. Delivered right to your living room.

    You can get anything on ebay.

    My credit card is howling, but it?s worth it. Really.

    If I had the money you'd bet I'd purchase him ;) wonderful work!


    Edit -- Makes me wonder if he remembers any of it when he gets back home :p
  4. Silfion

    Silfion Jedi Youngling

    Jul 8, 2005
    This was so good!

    Loved that part! Good thing I'm alone in my house, I laughed so hard with this.

    Good work!

    (wonder If I can get Obi-Wan from E-bay...[face_love] )
  5. Alexis_Wingstar

    Alexis_Wingstar Jedi Master star 4

    Sep 16, 2006
    [face_laugh] =D= I almost fell out of my seat laughing during the whole thing, but I just loved this part.
  6. Princess_Arulmozhi

    Princess_Arulmozhi Jedi Master star 4

    Nov 16, 2004
    That was simply wonderful. [face_laugh] Imagine the wierd and wonderful things you can get with Qui-Gon waving lightsabres in the living room. And breaking things. And watching TPM. :) Then again, it's just a big guy sleeping on the couch. And peeple thinking it's Liam Neeson.

    Laugh riot, Anne. Great work!
  7. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Community Squirrel Whisperer star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Jul 7, 2000
    Well, the title drew me in, though couch would not be first choice. ;)

    He looked a little embarrassed, like he?d just farted or something, and he stopped asking.

    So glad I wasn't drinking at that point. [face_laugh]

    Layren's so right about probably all of us fantasizing about having Qui-Gon in our lives. LOL

    That was truly inspired and deightful and hilarious!! :D :D
  8. Star-Foozle

    Star-Foozle Jedi Youngling star 2

    Aug 24, 2006
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
    This was great! I always wondered what would happen if a Jedi somehow found their way to Earth, and now we know...they'd destroy household appliances with their lightsaber and threaten to cause tears in the space-time continuum by watching their own story on television!
    Of course, that still wouldn't deter me from trying to purchase a Qui-gon of my very own.[face_love] You really can find anything on eBay...:D
    Excellent job, ardavenport. This story certainly brightened up my day. Keep up the good work!
  9. Ara-gon

    Ara-gon Jedi Youngling star 2

    Dec 31, 2005
    [face_laugh] The whole thing is so hysterical. But if cat hair doesn't stick, I really, really want some of the GFFA fabric. If you ever order him again, would you have him bring a couple of bolts with him, please?

    ::whistles nonchalantly:: It might be humorous to tell this funny little story from his POV, too, Anne.

    Thanks for sharing.
  10. Kestrel_Kenobi

    Kestrel_Kenobi Jedi Master star 4

    Sep 26, 2005
    Oh my! [face_laugh] ...

    But in sweatshirt and jeans, he looked like a hippy. Especially wearing flip-flops because I knew I?d never be able to guess his shoe size. It was a bit of a let down.

    rofl...wonderful ardavenport...loved it!

    *wanders off still giggling*

  11. JadeSolo

    JadeSolo Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 20, 2002
    LMAO! I loved this! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] The title alone inspired all sorts of bad thoughts.

    He didn?t get it at first. I mean, it was like explaining science fiction to my parents.

    That one got me the most. I've tried, it's hard! :p
  12. ardavenport

    ardavenport Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 16, 2004
    dianethx: Glad you liked it! Poor Qui-Gon would be quite embarrassed if had any accidents with his lightsaber because his Force-sense was thrown off. But he?s adaptable. And of course, he had to leave the robe. Gotta love those wooly Jedi robes.:D

    Layren: Aaaaah, fantasize about something like that perhaps, but Qui-Gon has his own ideas about what he wants to do.[face_mischief] And he?s terribly expensive. I?m sure he?d remember it all, but that would be just another AU. Thanks for reading!

    Silfion: Thanks for the reply! Yes, looking just like Liam Neeson can be a funny problem for Qui-Gon.:):D

    Alexis_Wingstar: Thanks! Poor Qui-Gon just isn?t used to having his Jedi mind trick not working.:rolleyes: :)

    Princess_Arulmozhi: Yes, Qui-Gon can be tough on the furniture.[face_mischief] And you can?t take him anywhere without attracting attention. But he?s adaptable, and he doesn?t mind sleeping on the couch. Glad you liked it!:)

    Healer_Leona: Thank you! A Qui-Gon could certainly make one?s life interesting.[face_mischief][face_love]

    Star-Foozle: Thanks! Aaaaah, if only we could find that parallel universe connection on ebay...[face_whistling][face_mischief]

    Ara-gon: Thanks for reading! I would love to have a bolt of that Jedi fabric myself. Not only does it appear to be comfortable in all weather, it goes from soaking wet to perfectly dry in minutes. Repelling cat hair should be no problem. I hadn?t thought about doing Qui-Gon?s POV. It could be amusing, but I think I?ll leave that bunny alone for now.:)

    Kestrel_Kenobi: Thanks!:) Yes, in normal clothes, Qui-Gon wouldn?t look nearly so Knightly.

    JadeSolo: Yes, with Qui-Gon on the couch, all sorts of naughty thoughts could happen.[face_mischief] And it would take a lot to explain SW to Qui-Gon. The GFFA would be his version of mundane, so he?d never think of it as part of a fiction. Thanks for the reply!

  13. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 5, 2004
    How did I miss this?? :oops:

    Qui-Gon Jinn picks things up really fast.

    And he remembers everything. He learns our letters and how to sound out words from the captioning on the movies. So, it takes him just two videos to learn how to read. Does everyone in the GFFA have a photographic memory?

    This is good when you don?t have to explain the bathroom to him. And it?s nice when showing him how to work the microwave or the dishwasher or the washing machine. You just show him something once and he gets it.

    This is not so good when you have to go out to drop something off with your sister and you come back finding the end credits of The Phantom Menace playing on the DVD. And he?s got a really serious expression on his face, but won?t talk about it. And you know he?s just watched the fight with Maul. He says he?d like to look at the other movies, too, but for the first time in my life, I don?t want to see them. At least not with him. And would I be altering the space-time continuum in the GFFA or something by letting him know what?s supposed to happen? Like who Sidious is?

    Well, that cat?s out of bag now.

    Absolutely hilarious! [face_laugh] =D=
  14. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Jul 20, 2002
    That was great!!! I love the humor. This was a really interesting idea, and you pulled it off very well. Great job!!! =D=
  15. hyperspace_police

    hyperspace_police Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 22, 2005

    Now I'm laughing out loud in the library...people are staring...

    Great. Hilarious.

    And I thouhgt the story from where you joined the Assemlby was funny.

  16. KELIA

    KELIA Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Jul 26, 2005
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    That was hilarious!!

    this was a very clever, creative idea and you did an amazing job with it.

    Loved it!!

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
  17. RoseofRomance

    RoseofRomance Jedi Youngling

    Oct 12, 2006
    This was very cute. and this earned my first post! =D=
  18. Meredith_Kenobi

    Meredith_Kenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 20, 2005
    [face_laugh] this was very funny and very original
    [face_laugh] =D= [face_laugh] =D= absolute brilliance
  19. Lady_Snow_Kaguya

    Lady_Snow_Kaguya Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 9, 2005
    "But people don?t look convinced as they walk away, because he still sounds British. It doesn?t matter that Liam Neeson is Irish, either. "

    LMAO!!!! That and the lines about the cats were excellent...LOL. Very amusing, just what I needed before heading off to work![:D]
  20. ardavenport

    ardavenport Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 16, 2004
    VaderLVR64: How did I miss this??

    Ooooh, those sneaky one-post things sometimes slip by, but I'm glad you found it! :D Thanks for reading.

    NYCitygurl I'm glad you liked the humor. It was fun to write.:) Thanks for the reply!

    hyperspace_police I hope people didn't stare too much at you at the library, but I'm glad you go a laugh out of it! :D

    KELIA: It was fun to write. Thanks so much for the reply!

    RoseofRomance: I'm honored that I got your first post.:) Thanks!

    Meredith_Kenobi: Glad you liked it. Thank for reading and replying!

    Lady_Snow_Kaguya: Thank-you! I just had to do Qui-Gon with cats. Of course he would like cats! I had to put them in there. And cats would love him. [face_love]

  21. Tatooine_Ghost

    Tatooine_Ghost Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 24, 2006
    I loved it. I was howling at the end.
  22. ardavenport

    ardavenport Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 16, 2004
    Tatooine_Ghost: Glad you liked it. Thanks much for replying!
  23. ardavenport

    ardavenport Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 16, 2004
    Hmmmm, I guess I should dig this up to say 'Thanks!' to everyone who voted for this in the Before Awards.
  24. ratna

    ratna Jedi Knight star 4

    Mar 1, 2007
    The cats slept with Qui-Gon.

    Lucky cats!! least he left his robe behind. <sigh>

    Sigh, indeed!!

    Utterly delightful!
  25. Layren

    Layren Jedi Master star 5

    Oct 28, 2003
    Congratulations on your well deserved nominations! This is one of my favorite go-to humor fics whenever I've had a really bad day (like today) so I'm glad you bumped it up again :D Made it easier to find ;)

    I always have a smile on my face after I read this little vig :)
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