Before the Saga Abducted (Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan Adventure for the Mod Time Challenge)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by devilinthedetails , Aug 15, 2019.

  1. devilinthedetails

    devilinthedetails Fiendish Fanfic & SWTV Manager, Admin of Comms star 6 Staff Member Administrator

    Jun 19, 2019
    Title: Abducted

    Author: devilinthedetails

    Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi; Qui-Gon Jinn; Original Characters

    Genre: General, Adventure, Action, Politics, and Friendship.

    Summary: In trying to rescue the kidnapped daughter of a planetary leader, Qui-Gon finds himself abducted and in need of Obi-Wan's rescue.

    Note: Written for the 24 hour mod challenge featuring a trope of a "Benched Hero," the word bombinate (which means to make a humming or buzzing sound), and the image of heavy-load crane chains. Thanks to the mods for coming up with this challenge to inspire my creativity. I never would have come up with this story without these interesting prompts!


    Vaowai was a world of corporations that seemed to be in constant, cutthroat competition to see which corporation could be the most corrupt and criminal. In his short time on the heavily industrialized world, Obi-Wan was learning that the term “cutthroat” could be applied quite literally to how the corporate leaders on Vaowai dealt with the families of their rivals in the political and economic sphere.

    He and his Master had been dispatched to Vaowai to protect Chief Executive Chen Yile of Vaowai, who had feared assassination as her legislation to increase the emissions standards factories on Vaowai would be required to adhere to neared voting in the planetary senate. In the end, it had been a kidnapping of Chen Yile’s daughter, Chen Linlin, from her well-guarded nursery in the night rather than assassination the Chief Executive should have feared.

    Chen Linlin’s abduction had been pulled off so smoothly and silently—without a ripple of alarm from the guards to alert the Jedi—that Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon suspected it must have been an inside job by sentries bribed by one of the corporations with interests in ensuring the continued pollution of Vaowai’s atmosphere.

    They questioned the guards who should have been standing watch over Chen Linlin when she was abducted, but received only vague answers about the girl’s disappearance and hollow assurances that she would be found in response. The hard shell of the insectoid Vaowai was almost impossible to penetrate even with the aid of the Force, and Obi-Wan could only sense their agitation, which could be attributable either to guilt at involvement in Chen Linlin’s kidnaping or merely to anxiety at her disappearance and being asked to account for it. In other words, Obi-Wan could frustratingly draw no conclusion from their agitation.

    The body language of the Vaowai was no more helpful in understanding the innocence or guilt of the guards, Obi-Wan thought as they gave their slippery replies. With every answer they offered, the Vaowai would bombinate their pincers. It was an annoying sound that gave Obi-Wan a piercing headache by the hundredth time he heard it, but he was certain it didn’t count as evidence of innocence or guilt.

    In the midst of this unprofitable questioning, Qui-Gon’s comlink buzzed. Following Qui-Gon out into the corridor, Obi-Wan heard Chief Executive Chen Yile say, pincers humming, “Come to my office. A ransom letter has arrived.”

    “We’ll be there at once,” Qui-Gon assured her, and together they rushed to the turbolift, which they rode to Chen Yile’s office on the highest level of her residence overlooking the smog-filled, perpetually durasteel gray sky of Vaowai’s capital city.

    The guards outside her office granted them admission without challenge, and she invited them to sit in chairs across from her with a sweep of a pincer. As they did so, she pushed a note created from letters cut out of a holozine across the polished Greel wood desk for the Jedi to read. The note, they saw, offered to meet with the Jedi alone at sunset in a factory that was being constructed on the outskirts of the city to negotiate the terms of Chen Linlin’s release but threatened to kill her if the Jedi were suspected of bringing any security to the factory as backup.

    “I’ll meet with them to negotiate the terms of Chen Linlin’s release.” Qui-Gon’s grave words made Obi-Wan gape.

    “Are you certain?” Chen Yile’s pincers gave a fretful click as punctuation for her question. “What if it’s a trick? What if they take you hostage as well?”

    “That’s why Obi-Wan won’t accompany me.” Qui-Gon waved away her concern. “I’ll rely on him to secure my release and your daughter’s if I’m taken captive.”

    Obi-Wan opened his mouth to argue that this was madness but closed his jaw when Qui-Gon shot him a quelling look. He pressed his lips to lock in his objection as Qui-Gon addressed the Chief Executive, “With your permission, I’ll take my leave to discuss strategy with my apprentice.”

    “Of course.” The humming of Chen Yile’s pincers seemed to be intended to indicate assent. “I’d never wish to interfere with the strategy necessary for the success of this important operation.”

    Qui-Gon rose with a bow that Obi-Wan copied out of rote respect, his mind still reeling at the revelation that Qui-Gon planned to meet the kidnappers alone.

    “Don’t do this, please, Master,” he burst out as soon as they had retreated into a private room, securing the door behind them.

    “I need you to keep a Force connection open with me when I meet Chen Linlin’s abductors,” Qui-Gon ordered in a calm voice as if Obi-Wan hadn’t spoken. “That way you’ll learn any information I gain at the meeting and will know at once if anything happens to me.”

    “I might not be able to help you in time if her kidnappers attack you.” Obi-Wan swallowed a lump that suddenly swelled in his throat.

    “Her abductors wouldn’t be looking to kill me—only to take me hostage.” Qui-Gon’s gaze fixed on Obi-Wan’s. “Do you trust my judgment, Padawan.”

    “Yes, Master.” Obi-Wan dropped his eyes to dizzying spirals of the patterned carpet beneath his booted feet, wondering how he could explain that it was his own abilities to maintain a Force connection for such a potentially prolonged, stressful period that he doubted. “It’s my own skills I don’t trust.”

    “I trust your skills.” Qui-Gon rested a gentle but firm hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder. “You must not give into your doubts, Obi-Wan. When you do, you give your opponents the advantage.”

    “Yes, Master.” Obi-Wan nodded, head and heart heavy as duracrete.

    At sunset, Obi-Wan sat cross-legged in a meditative trance, merging his mind with Qui-Gon’s in a Force connection. He saw the half-constructed, shadowy building through Qui-Gon’s eyes as five hooded Vaowai converged on Qui-Gon. With trepidation, Obi-Wan watched as they led Qui-Gon to an industrial crane, gesturing with clacking pincers for him to climb aboard it. Obi-Wan’s muscles tensed as Qui-Gon obliged, joining the Vaowai on the crane. With an eerie clangor of chains, the crane rose to the top of the half-built factory.

    Voice echoing ominously in the otherwise empty room, one of the hooded Vaowai leaned close to Qui-Gon’s ear to hiss, “You’ll rest easy, Jedi, knowing that Chen Linlin will be safely locked away with one of the trusted guards who stood over her last night until her mother can be persuaded to see the reason of dropping this outrageously strict emissions law.”

    Obi-Wan could feel Qui-Gon’s defenses flaring, but before his Master could act, the Vaowai’s pincer flashed fast as lightning. Obi-Wan felt the needle plunging into Qui-Gon’s flesh as if it were digging into his own skin to find a vein. Obi-Wan glimpsed the distinctive green glow of an extract from a plant native to Vaowai that wasn’t lethal to humans but was strong enough to knock most species—including humans—out for at least a day before Qui-Gon’s eyes shut, the connection between them ebbing away with Qui-Gon’s fading consciousness.

    Blood pounding against his eardrums in an accompaniment to his feet slamming against the floor, Obi-Wan raced to Chen Yile’s office. When he reached it, he panted to the guards standing outside it, “I must see the Chief Executive immediately.”

    Apparently the Chief Executive had left standing orders with her guards that the Jedi were to be admitted to her office whenever they wished for Obi-Wan was granted entry without challenge.

    “What news, Obi-Wan?” Chen Yile turned away from staring out her viewport as he hurried into her office, her expression suggesting she sensed his news was bad.

    “The kidnappers engaged in treachery. I must take a security squad to rescue Master Qui-Gon at once.” Obi-Wan fought to ensure his words didn’t tumble from him in an indecipherable rush. “We were able to learn that your daughter is being kept at the home of one of the guards who was charged with protecting her last night. I suggest you send a security squad to inspect the houses of each of those guards.”

    “I will.” Chen Yile’s pincers were buzzing more rapidly than Obi-Wan had ever seen them. “We will recuse your Master and my daughter, Obi-Wan. The kidnappers will not win.”

    Armed with a lightsaber and a vial of the antidote for the plant extract that had knocked Qui-Gon out from Chen Yile’s medic, Obi-Wan rode with a security squad to the outskirts of the city where the half-built factory Qui-Gon had disappeared in loomed. As they flew toward it, Obi-Wan stared into its shadows with a pair of macrobinoculars, noting to the security team surrounding him, “It appears deserted. Chen Linlin’s abductors must have already vanished.”

    Obi-Wan, stomach knotting, could only hope they had left Qui-Gon when they vacated the factory. It was impossible for him to sense his Master in the Force when Qui-Gon was unconscious.

    When they landed in the factory’s yard among the construction equipment, Obi-Wan assigned half his squad to monitor the perimeter while he took the other half with him on the creaking crane up to the room where he was relived to see that Qui-Gon still lay in a heap on the floor. Kneeling beside the crumpled frame of a man he always thought of as towering, Obi-Wan found a vein on Qui-Gon’s wrist and injected the antidote.

    Jedi healing powers were prodigious, and, within seconds, Qui-Gon’s eyes were blinking. Soon, they had blinked away the haze of the plant extract that had knocked him out and were keenly focusing on Obi-Wan. “Padawan, what have I missed while I was knocked out?”

    “My daring rescue of your glorious person.” Obi-Wan attempted a sly grin to hide the fear he had felt that his Master wouldn’t wake despite the antidote. “And my dispatch of security squads to locate Chen Linlin in the house of whichever guard is holding her captive.”

    “Well done, my young apprentice.” Qui-Gon smiled softly as Obi-Wan lifted him to his feet and the two of them headed toward the crane, flanked by the half of the security team that had accompanied Obi-Wan into the factory to rescue Qui-Gon. “You’ve more than justified my faith in your abilities.”
  2. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    Wow, that was a great use of the 3 prompts. Obi-Wan kept a level head despite his understandable woory! =D= Definitely the friendship factor came through :)
  3. devilinthedetails

    devilinthedetails Fiendish Fanfic & SWTV Manager, Admin of Comms star 6 Staff Member Administrator

    Jun 19, 2019
    @WarmNyota_SweetAyesha, once again, thank you so much for commenting on my work! :)I'm so flattered that you thought my use of the prompts was great (the prompts really helped inspire me), and I definitely admire Obi-Wan for being able to keep a level head despite his worry about Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon was definitely right to have faith in him, and you're right, the friendship factor definitely came through for them.=D=
  4. JediMaster_Jen

    JediMaster_Jen Force Ghost star 4

    Jun 3, 2002
    Very nice. =D= Liked seeing Obi-Wan as the rescuer.
  5. Findswoman

    Findswoman Ammonia-Breathing Fanfic Mod in Pink star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Feb 27, 2014
    "I'm here to rescue you"—"Good job." Only this time, that "good job" is completely sincere! :D Qui-Gon's plan was definitely a brave one, but an extremely risky one, too—and between that and the Benched Hero trope I had a feeling that he was going to end up also needing rescuing! It's a good thing that there was a Force channel open between them, and that Obi-Wan thought and acted as quickly as he did. The Vaowai sound like a really fascinating species—are they your own creation, or are they established somewhere already? (Because if the former, don't forget the Fanon Thread! :D /shameless plug )

    Great work once again—I really enjoyed this. You always do such a fantastic job with this inimitable master-padawan duo! =D=
  6. devilinthedetails

    devilinthedetails Fiendish Fanfic & SWTV Manager, Admin of Comms star 6 Staff Member Administrator

    Jun 19, 2019
    @JediMaster_Jen, thanks so much for commenting! I'm so glad you enjoyed this piece and that you liked seeing Obi-Wan as the rescuer to change things up a bit.:) I liked giving Obi-Wan a chance to shine here even if it did mean having Qui-Gon abducted.

    @Findswoman, as always, thank you so much for commenting! I'm so glad you liked this sincere twist on the "I'm here to rescue you" and the "good job." I agree that Qui-Gon's plan was a brave but risky one. He certainly showed his maverick streak here, and that and the Benched Hero trope totally got him in trouble in this story. The Force channel being open between them was something I wanted to include for Qui-Gon's safety and just so Obi-Wan would have a way of knowing what was happening to Qui-Gon, but I'm so proud of Obi-Wan for how quickly he acted to save his Master. =D=

    The Vaowai are my own invention so I'm so pleased that you find them an interesting species. I'll be sure to share about them on the Fanon Thread, thank you for the invitation:)

    I'm really so flattered that you enjoyed this so much and that you love how I write this Master and Padawan pair that has stolen my heart. [:D]
  7. Mira_Jade

    Mira_Jade The (FavoriteTM) Fanfic Mod With the Cape star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Jun 29, 2004
    I love how you were able to take three disparate prompts and somehow managed to weave together an action/adventure tale complete with a new fanon species, subtetfuge and intrigue, and, of course, your own trademark dose of master/apprentice bonding - all in less than 24 hours! :eek: I really enjoyed the premise and resolution of this story. =D=

    And, in particular . . .

    Yowsers - what a scene Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are swept into, right off the bat! You didn't waste a moment dropping us right into the middle of the drama, and it instantly hooked my attention.

    And Obi-Wan's POV was so very him, here. :p

    What a clever use of 'bombinate'! Nicely done. :D =D=

    Bwaha! I loved this. [face_laugh] No matter his doubts, Obi-Wan's trademark humor is spot-on - I could hear Ewan McGregor in my head voicing that line. He may not be able to see it yet, but he's well on the path to becoming the Jedi Master we all know and love. [face_love]

    Aw! [face_love] What a perfect note to end the story on!

    I really appreciate how you played your trope too. Qui-Gon went into 'Benched Hero' with his eyes wide open - first, because it was the right thing to do to rescue Linlin, but also as a way to foster Obi-Wan's growth. His trust in his padawan's abilities was heartwarming to read, and in the end it made Obi-Wan's sucessful rescue all the sweeter! [face_love]

    Thank you for sharing this story with us! It was an excellent response to the challenge. =D=
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2019
  8. Briannakin

    Briannakin Former Manager star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 25, 2010
    Wow! I am so amazed that not only did you write am enthralling action/adventure fic, but you also created such a in-depth world and new species woven into the story! All in 24 hours!

    I love the absolute trust Qui-Gon has in his apprentice. Qui-Gon trusts Obi-Wan more than Obi-Wan trusts himself and that really shows here.

    I also really enjoy this bit - Obi-Wan knows enough and is polite and respectful enough to wait until they are in private before voicing his concerns and worries, even through those worries are about his own abilities. This really shows Obi-Wan's maturity.
    I love this little bit of classic Obi-Wan humour!
  9. devilinthedetails

    devilinthedetails Fiendish Fanfic & SWTV Manager, Admin of Comms star 6 Staff Member Administrator

    Jun 19, 2019
    @Mira_Jade Thanks so much for your kind and detailed comment! :D I'm so flattered that you thought I did a great job combining action, subterfuge, and a new Fanon species. Making the new species was especially fun for me since it was a great opportunity for me to be creative. I couldn't resist including the Master-Padawan bonding I love so much, so it makes me happy to hear that worked for you and that you liked the resolution and premise of the story. I wanted it to be complicated enough to be exciting, but not so complicated I couldn't write it in 24 hours, so it was a balancing act of a sort.

    The opening was one of the hardest parts for me to write, because at first I wanted to write a lot of exposition. Then I realized that it would probably be more effective to start by dumping the audience essentially into the action right away and doling out the information later. I'm so pleased that decision worked for you. I also couldn't resist sneaking some Obi-Wan dry humor into the point of view. Those little moments are some of my favorite when writing Obi-Wan.

    Bombinate was a word I had never heard before this challenge, so it's awesome to hear that you thought I included it well, since I was a bit nervous about how it would flow with the story there. [face_relieved]

    So glad you loved that line since it came to me as like the perfect Obi-Wan answer when I was writing the scene. It makes me smile to think that you could hear Ewan's voice in your head saying that line. That is like the ultimate compliment to me.

    That line from Qui-Gon about how Obi-Wan justified his faith in Obi-Wan's abilities absolutely warmed my heart as I wrote it so I'm so happy to hear that it did the same for you. There didn't seem like there could be a happier ending than that.

    It's awesome to hear that you felt I was able to use the trope of "Benched Hero" in a creative way. I picture Qui-Gon as a character who would be willing to go into a dangerous situation with eyes open to the risk because he felt it was the best way to proceed (he will do what he must as he says in TPM) and in this case I think he sees it as a way to encourage Obi-Wan's growth--to give Obi-Wan more confidence in his abilities. So I loved having the story end on the note where Obi-Wan succeeded in saving Qui-Gon and proved Qui-Gon's confidence in his abilities right to make the rescue all the sweeter as you say.

    @Briannakin, thanks so much for your kind and detailed comment! I'm so flattered that you were impressed with the action and adventure aspects of the story as well as the invention of a new world and species. I really enjoyed the chance to be creative in that way. Inventing new worlds and species can be one of the most exciting parts of writing Star Wars fan fiction for me.

    The absolute trust Qui-Gon has in Obi-Wan was one of my favorite parts of this story so it makes me so happy to know that it resonated with you too. I definitely think it's exactly as you describe: Qui-Gon trusts Obi-Wan more than Obi-Wan trusts himself.

    In my head, I think of Obi-Wan as almost always being polite and respectful enough of Qui-Gon to wait to voice any questions or doubts he has about his Master's judgment in private, so that's how I tried to write him here, and I'm so glad that subtle detail worked for you so well.

    That classic bit of Obi-Wan humor was one of my favorite to write, so I'm so glad it worked for you too[face_laugh]
  10. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Chosen One star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    You really create miracles when you sit down to write. There are so many things you managed to put into this story and the others already commented so brilliantly about those. This leaves me to say: thanks for fun entertainment! And such a vivid portrait of master & padawan!
  11. devilinthedetails

    devilinthedetails Fiendish Fanfic & SWTV Manager, Admin of Comms star 6 Staff Member Administrator

    Jun 19, 2019
    @AzureAngel2 Thank you so much for your kind comment! :) I'm so flattered that you feel I create miracles when I write, since to me, prompts can be a real blessing. Sometimes the hardest part for me as a writer is finding the inspiration of an idea to write about, so prompts can be great for me in that they give me a springboard for creativity that I can use to make a story. I'm really glad that you got so much out of this story since this story was a very meaningful one for me to write since it allowed me to explore Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon's relationship in a new way I hadn't before, which made it truly rewarding for me to write. It makes me so happy that you enjoyed this story and found it a vivid portrayal of one of my favorite Master and Padawan pairs. [face_dancing]
    AzureAngel2 likes this.
  12. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Great job! I loved your characterizations of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Their dialogue, actions, and mannerisms were 100% Them. It was very easy to visualize and hear them while reading this. I loved Obi-Wan's "daring rescue of your glorious person" line, LOL.

    The Vaowai are an intriguing species, and one that I wouldn't really want to cross paths with in person. I can imagine the destruction if they got into a feud with a Hutt clan, heh.

    Keep up the great work!
  13. devilinthedetails

    devilinthedetails Fiendish Fanfic & SWTV Manager, Admin of Comms star 6 Staff Member Administrator

    Jun 19, 2019
    @Thumper09 Thanks so much for commenting!:) I'm so happy that you loved my characterizations of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan since they are two of my favorite Star Wars characters, and I always want to do them justice when I write them. It's so awesome to hear you found their dialogue, actions, and mannerisms so true to who they were and so easy to visualize throughout the story.

    Obi-Wan's line about his "daring rescue" of Qui-Gon's "glorious person" was probably my favorite to write, so I'm so glad you enjoyed it as well[face_laugh]

    I had a lot of fun inventing the Vaowai, but you're right they wouldn't be a fun species to cross in person and could have a very destructive feud with the Hutts for sure...

    Thank you again for the kind comment! I really appreciate it:)
    Thumper09 likes this.
  14. SynCrow

    SynCrow Jedi Knight star 1

    Jan 7, 2017
    Really enjoyable read! I enjoyed the characterization of both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, I thought you nailed that. I liked reading about the Vaowai, and I'd enjoy seeing them in a future story of yours since I always enjoy original creations in a different way to when writers use pre-established villains (not that that's a problem either).

    Mod edit: Please review Fanfic's Concrit policy before commenting on stories. Thanks. If you have any questions, please contact a fanfic mod.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2020
    devilinthedetails likes this.
  15. devilinthedetails

    devilinthedetails Fiendish Fanfic & SWTV Manager, Admin of Comms star 6 Staff Member Administrator

    Jun 19, 2019
    Thanks for the long and detailed comment! :)I'm glad that you found the story enjoyable and that you enjoyed the characterization of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan since those are two of my favorite Star Wars characters. The Vaowai were interesting for me to write, and it's possible that they might appear again in a future story (perhaps a multi-chapter one) if inspiration strikes.

    I think you're right that the plot could've benefited from being fleshed out a little bit more. I do admit that there was a sort of "connect-the-dots" and "color-by-numbers" approach taken on my part with the creation of the plot for this story since a lot of the plot points were taken from my prompts and then me trying to link them, but a lot of those connections are perhaps rushed and not elaborated on as much as they could have been. Another part of it may be me trying to "cram" what should probably really be a multi-chapter story into a oneshot, which may account for the ending in particular feeling rushed and abrupt. I perhaps bit off more than I could chew with this story for a twenty-four hour oneshot type project. Sometimes I have the ambition and the inspiration to do something but the execution may be lacking. Especially with plotting, I do like to let my ideas marinate for awhile before writing, but with a twenty-four hour time limit, idea marinating is limited. Part of what made the challenge so challenging I suppose...

    Thank you for pointing out the grammar errors. Sometimes my fingers get ahead of themselves in typing, and my eyes miss things since I always know what I'm trying to say.

    Thanks again for the detailed feedback. I appreciate your perspective!
    BRE and WarmNyota_SweetAyesha like this.
  16. Lobey-One Kenobi

    Lobey-One Kenobi Jedi Master star 3

    Nov 30, 2009
    Ah, sorry, still 'new' to the forums in terms of figuring out how certain sections work, I hadn't realised it was a 24-hour challenge when writing my review.

    Mod edit: Please review Fanfic's Concrit policy before commenting on stories. Thanks. If you have any questions, please contact a fanfic mod.

    Maybe if time permits you could do a sequel story dealing with the abduction, that's actually part of a larger plot on the Vaowai homeworld? ;)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2020
    devilinthedetails likes this.