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Saga Act II, Scene XXIII. Dare challenge response. A/P. Replies 6/6.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Elana, May 30, 2006.

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  1. Elana

    Elana Jedi Knight star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2005
    Title: Act II, Scene XXIII.
    Author: Elana
    Characters: Anakin, Padme
    Timeframe: AotC
    Genre: Drama, script, poetry

    Summary: The fireside scene from Attack of the Clones, with a twist.

    Notes: This is a response to the Dare Challenge. My dare:

    Rewrite the canon scene of your choice as Shakespeare might have written it. The sequence of events should stay the same but the dialogue is all yours. Ideally it must include at least one genuine Shakespearean quote as well.

    This was a fun dare for me, because I love Shakespeare. I chose this scene because, face it, almost anything would be an improvement on the original, and it just begs for some good Elizabethan romance. The requested genuine Shakespearean quotes are in bold.


    Act II

    Scene XXIII. A room in the Naberrie's lakehouse.

    Enter ANAKIN and PADME

    PADME:

    My guest, protector, friend, the hour grows late,
    Yet I am loath to part. Some troubled thought
    Is writ upon thy face, and though my heart
    Misgives thy fateful words must render naught
    But grief and sorrow to us both, yet speak.

    ANAKIN:

    Ten years and more have passed since first we met.
    Then I was but a child. We parted soon,
    And ne'er again our paths did cross till now.
    Yet every moment since thy angel light
    Didst break upon my vision, I have held
    Thy memory dear within my heart. Each morn
    The break of dawn less radiant shines than thy
    Remembered smile. Each indrawn breath infused
    With thine own fragrance, lotus-flower sweet.
    Each night, as in imperial majesty
    Thy world once ruled, thou reign'st Queen of my dreams.

    PADME:

    I cannot bear to hear such words. Forbear;
    It is not seemly thus for thee to speak.

    ANAKIN:

    Yet speak I must, these words that long have burned
    In silence stayed on my unmoving tongue.
    Though then I loved thee as a child, now I've
    To manhood grown, and love thee as a man.
    To stand here by thy side, yet touch thee not
    Is torturous pleasure, precious agony,
    Sweet pain, yet should I leave thy presence dear
    Aught else would be to me the airless void
    Between the stars, which steals both life and breath.
    Just once thy lips touched mine. The memory still
    Engulfs my soul in hot tormenting flame.
    With that forbidden kiss, a branding iron,
    Thy owner's mark engraved upon my heart
    In lines of fire that never more shall fade,
    But harden, and remain eternal scars.
    I know not anymore what I should do.
    I place my fate within thy gentle hand.
    I am thy slave; I'll do whate'er thou bid.

    PADME:

    I am amazed, and know not what to say.

    ANAKIN:

    Say only whether thou my suffering share.

    PADME:

    I dare not answer. We should bid good night,
    And speak no more impossible desires.

    ANAKIN:

    O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

    PADME:

    What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
    The world is real, not built of airy dreams.
    Thou art a Jedi; I in Senate serve.
    The road that thou wouldst set thy feet upon
    We cannot follow. Neither thy desire
    Nor mine can alter that.

    ANAKIN:

    Thou dost desire!

    PADME:

    Thy future thou shalt not forsake for me.
    The cost would be too high, the price too dear.

    ANAKIN:

    Thou bidst me honor reason as my guide,
    But never have my feet calm thoughts pursued,
    But swiftly followed where my impassioned heart
    Hath led. I doubt not I should happier be
    If I could pluck the blossom of my love
    For thee, and with a wish and sigh of breath
    Send ardor flying hence like downy seeds
    Upon the wind. But passion's roots have sunk
    So deep within my heart that to attempt to pull
    The tough stem forth would only serve to drag
    My heart still beating from my lifeless breast.

    PADME:

    Though sweet temptation woos me to thy side,
    Enticing with forbidden pleasures' hope,
    I'll not surrender.

    ANAKIN:

    No. But even so
    We could in secret love, by dark of night,
    Or when concealing shadows cloud the sight
    Of all who would gainsay our covert tryst.

    PADME:

    Live in eternal falsehood? Exile truth
    Beyond all compass? Counterfeit cold looks
     
  2. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    Wow! I'm in awe! What an amazing response to a VERY difficult challenge! I would have sworn the Bard himself wrote this!

    Thou bidst me honor reason as my guide,
    But never have my feet calm thoughts pursued,
    But swiftly followed where my impassioned heart
    Hath led. I doubt not I should happier be
    If I could pluck the blossom of my love
    For thee, and with a wish and sigh of breath
    Send ardor flying hence like downy seeds
    Upon the wind. But passionâ??s roots have sunk
    So deep within my heart that to attempt to pull
    The tough stem forth would only serve to drag
    My heart still beating from my lifeless breast
    .

    I bow to your mastery with words! =D=
     
  3. pink_saber_girl

    pink_saber_girl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Aug 9, 2005
    This is my favorite dare response yet! You did it so beautifully, and just in the way that Shakesphere himself would have had the scene written. I comend you on a job well done! I loved this piece, and I do look forward to reading more of your work in the near future! *bounce*
     
  4. Kestrel_Kenobi

    Kestrel_Kenobi Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 26, 2005
    Bravo =D=

    That was a difficult dare and you did a beautiful job with it.

    Well done!
     
  5. Meredith_Kenobi

    Meredith_Kenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    [face_hypnotized]


    [face_hypnotized]


    [face_hypnotized]


    [face_hypnotized]


    I. Am. In. Awe. Man, I'm still in shock! That was absolutely perfect.
     
  6. EquestrianJedi07

    EquestrianJedi07 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 19, 2006
    Wow... WOW. [face_hypnotized] Great, amazing, wonderful... gosh, I'm out of adjectives :)

    It sounds like a very difficult challenge, and you rose to the occasion extremely well. If I hadn't known better, I could've sworn I was in English class reading Romeo and Juliet :D
     
  7. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    That was really quite amazing. I thought it was Shakespeare himself who wrote that. And frankly, I liked it a lot better than the real scene.

    Bravo! Great job. =D=
     
  8. Persephone_Kore

    Persephone_Kore Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 19, 2006
    I am officially floored. You write excellent blank verse, and you followed the sentiments and even images of the original conversation as well. That was amazing.
     
  9. _ThatJediScum_

    _ThatJediScum_ Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 28, 2005
    This is outstanding. Anakin's aside at the end surprised me. I was already quite awed and happy reading the scene but when I saw the aside I thought of how the rest of the movie might read in such a way. It was a joy to read and to imagine the actors physically saying the lines.

    I remember doing a paper on the juxtaposition of love and death in Romeo and Juliet. I must say you have definitely continued with the theme and done extremely well. Quite Lovely.

    bran
     
  10. leia_naberrie

    leia_naberrie Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 10, 2002
    This is so beautiful. =D= You captured the courtly love between the two in the real prose that it should have been scripted. I love how you stayed so faithful to the original dialogue and yet still placed so much... action? emotions? ... something in the words that made them vivid and original. @};- Thank you for writing this. You have a very strong understanding of the love story and it really showed in this vignette.
     
  11. Jedikma

    Jedikma Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    That was absolutely marvelous!!!! =D=

    I love this dialogue much better than the movie. :p

    I am in awe that you could turn the conversation into Shaksperean prose and it plays just beautifully. Excellent job!
     
  12. Jade_Max

    Jade_Max Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jun 28, 2002
    Yeowzers! My lord, Elana! I'm completely floored by your completely poetic and poignant responce. You've captured the essence of the scene and the way you turned your phrases... I am just completed blown away. I have to agree with another comment.

    I believe this is my favorite dare responce yet - the mastery you show here, the... understanding of what it should really be are incredible! Bravo!=D=
     
  13. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master star 9

    Registered:
    Mar 26, 2001
    Dang cool response.
     
  14. brodiew

    brodiew Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Oct 11, 2005
    Magnificent, Elana! Pure Brilliance. It would seem to me that you put a lot of work into this. That is, unless writing like that comes easily to you.

    Anakin's first soliliquy(sp?) is touching and gave me goosbumps in its perfection. I never thought Anakin would give me more than endless irritation, but you made him come alive in his love for Padme which has never rung true for me.

    ANAKIN:

    Ten years and more have passed since first we met.
    Then I was but a child. We parted soon,
    And ne'er again our paths did cross till now.
    Yet every moment since thy angel light
    Didst break upon my vision, I have held
    Thy memory dear within my heart. Each morn
    The break of dawn less radiant shines than thy
    Remembered smile. Each indrawn breath infused
    With thine own fragrance, lotus-flower sweet.
    Each night, as in imperial majesty
    Thy world once ruled, thou reign'st Queen of my dreams.


    I appreciate this vig and give great praise for a job well done. Excellent Dare response.

     
  15. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    Elana, I forwarded on your story link to some friends of mine and they loved it.
    They said:
    That was *wonderful*, Diane. Thanks for forwarding!
    (And sign this writer up for Lucas's next epic! ;-)

    and:
    I cry you mercy!
    Actually, that was quite good!

    and:
    Wow, that makes that scene a whole lot better!



    So bravo again.
     
  16. poor yorick

    poor yorick Ex-Mod star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Jun 25, 2002
    Why don't we have a [face_stomping_on_stadium_bleachers_and_waving_a_lighter_around]? :p

    That was freakin' brilliant!

    This was my favorite bit:

    She bids me sleep? I shall not sleep in peace
    For many nights, I fear, if e'er again.
    She has refused me. Easier far to die
    Than live with that rejection. Yet I must.
    My lady lives, and I am charged to guard
    Her steps. My heart shall burn forever in
    A fiery hell of unrequited love,
    Yet for her sake I'll bury the fire deep
    In ashes cold and dank, that I may keep
    Her safe. Let love lie banked against the night
    It shall not wake again to heat and light.


    First of all you got the couplet (the double couplet, even, with the last 3 lines in iambic meter!) at the end--you *know* Willie wouldn't have been able to resist. :p You've also got the great little paradoxes and tiny reversals that Shakespeare loved to use:[ul]Easier far to die
    Than live with that rejection. Yet I must.
    My lady lives, and I am charged to guard
    Her steps.[/ul]Shakespeare wouldn't have been able to resist the irony of Anakin longing to die because Padmé has rejected him (the stereotypical "worst case" scenario for love), but rather than commit suicide, he forces himself to live for her, which is actually worse (and which goes one beyond the stereotype). Beautiful!

    You also managed to effortlessly include metaphors that would have been natural in Shakespeare's time, but might rate footnotes now:[ul]Let love lie banked against the night
    It shall not wake again to heat and light.[/ul]

    Absolutely spectacular job! =D=

    I have to ask--did you pull all this from memory, or were you working with a Shakespeare text as you went? Even when I was doing 17th century English Lit in grad school, I couldn't have pulled this out of the air. I'd have had to have painstakingly gone through the plays, adapting section by section.

    Either way, it's terrific!

    (You mentionted in the dare thread that people have been trying to steal this dare--I may have to rip it off myself.) :p
     
  17. Jade_Pilot

    Jade_Pilot Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 10, 2005
    Just beautiful! I loved every verse.

    Bravo! =D=
     
  18. ThePariah

    ThePariah Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 24, 2003
    Dang, woman! :eek: You've just about sent me into next week with this. Did the Bard reincarnate? [face_hypnotized]
     
  19. Jennifer_Lyn

    Jennifer_Lyn Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 8, 2005
    Live in eternal falsehood? Exile truth
    Beyond all compass? Counterfeit cold looks
    To cover hands' hot touches? I could not
    In such deception dwell, I fear. Couldst thou?


    :eek:

    that was amazing! so, so, so much better than the original dialogue, yet you remained utterly true to the words.
    take a bow, hell, take 20!

    not only did you conquer the challenge, you obliterated it!

    =D=
     
  20. Princess_Arulmozhi

    Princess_Arulmozhi Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 16, 2004
    I echo everyone else. The words were perfect, awe inspiring...brilliant. A truly wonderful response. <Applauds madly> You caught the flow perfectly!
     
  21. Greesha

    Greesha Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 4, 2002
    That was amazing.
     
  22. cdmcc

    cdmcc Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Apr 24, 2005
    Wow, really excellent response. I think I would have passed out if I had gotten a dare like that.

    Very well worked and superbly written.
     
  23. Astronut

    Astronut Jedi Master star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 12, 2005
    [face_hypnotized] =D= =D=

    Wow. Utterly wow.

    The dialogue seemed so much more heartfelt then the origninal.

    Good night, good night, may thee with sleep be blest,
    And all thy troubles sooth with peaceful rest.

    And in iambic pentameter! Exit ryhmes and everything!

    That was awesome!
     
  24. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2003
    =D= =D= =D=

    I'm amazed. Shocked, astonished, whatevered :D I agree with everybody who says you've created a considerable improvement on the original, but this is a little work of art just on its own. Here's to seeing Shakespeare and Lucas come together more often :D if it produces work like this.

    I'm a great Shakespeare fan and I loved every line of this. The genuine quotes blend in seamlessly - if you hadn't put them in bold I'm not sure I could have picked them out at all.

    [blockquote]Each morn[/blockquote]
    The break of dawn less radiant shines than thy
    Remembered smile. Each indrawn breath infused
    With thine own fragrance, lotus-flower sweet.
    Each night, as in imperial majesty
    Thy world once ruled, thou reign'st Queen of my dreams.


    Fantastic. The comparison between Padmé's reign as Queen of Naboo and her continuing reign as Queen of Ani's dreams is just such a wonderful, apt, unforced one. I love it. And the little image of the lotus-flower is absolutely the icing on the cake! The significance of Padmé's name doesn't get touched on very often, and yet here it works as a very lovely Shakespearean subtlety.

    Just once thy lips touched mine. The memory still
    Engulfs my soul in hot tormenting flame.
    With that forbidden kiss, a branding iron,
    Thy owner's mark engraved upon my heart
    In lines of fire that never more shall fade,
    But harden, and remain eternal scars.


    Anakin's passion comes out properly like it never did in the film. That's love in them there lines. The comparison of the old cliché of burning kisses to an owner's brand puts a new slant on the whole image. Eternal Scars is surely a book title waiting to happen :p

    Live in eternal falsehood? Exile truth
    Beyond all compass? Counterfeit cold looks
    To cover hands' hot touches? I could not
    In such deception dwell, I fear. Couldst thou?


    I love the way that the questions and enjambments make the speech very natural here, and yet you keep it perfectly in metre. Plus the sentiment is expressed rather better than on-screen. Bravo.

    She bids me sleep? I shall not sleep in peace
    For many nights, I fear, if e'er again.
    She has refused me. Easier far to die
    Than live with that rejection. Yet I must.
    My lady lives, and I am charged to guard
    Her steps. My heart shall burn forever in
    A fiery hell of unrequited love,
    Yet for her sake I'll bury the fire deep
    In ashes cold and dank, that I may keep
    Her safe. Let love lie banked against the night
    It shall not wake again to heat and light.


    I can just imagine Anakin standing on a bare stage, spotlit, delivering these lines. A superb pair of couplets to finish with - a beautiful, authentic Elizabethan image - and exit, to thunderous applause :D =D=

    Encore! I say, encore! I have to say, you were handed a pretty filthy dare, and yet I honestly don't think it could've been better done. [:D]

    Nem :D
     
  25. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Wow.

    I'm completely floored by this. What a brilliant response to a tough dare.
    =D= =D= =D=
     
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