Anakin's Anger Management Courses: A Study in Writing Humor - A New Silly Game 7/7!!!

Workshop #1:

Scene: A New Hope: With Ben dead, Luke has to be comforted by Princess Leia...

Ode to a Fruitcake


Luke sat morosely, staring at the tabletop. He shook his head when Leia came up behind him and placed a blanket around his shoulders then sat next to him. ?I can?t believe it?s gone.?

?You mean ?he?,? Leia asked. ?You can?t believe Obi-wan Kenobi is gone??

Luke shrugged. ?Oh yeah, him too.?

Leia blinked in confusion. ?Well, what else are you sulking about??

?He ate it!? Luke wailed.

Raising her eyebrows, Leia needed clarification. ?Ate what??

?He ate my fruitcake!? The young jedi hopeful sniffled loudly and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

The princess grimaced in disgust at both the gesture and the absurdity of the object of mourning. ?Obi-wan ate your fruitcake? Why would you cry over that??

?No,? Luke corrected, ?Han ate the fruitcake. It was the last thing Aunt Beru made me. She put it in my pack before I left to try to find Artoo?? his voice trailed off. Then he whined indignantly, ?And he had the nerve to say it was awful!?

Leia looked at Luke with a doubtful expression. ?Fruitcakes usually are.?

?Yeah, and Aunt Beru?s are no exception.? He smiled in spite of himself.

?Well then you should thank Han for eating it.?

?But, it was the last thing I had from my Aunt Beru, and now she?s dead!?

Leia sighed as she rubbed Luke?s back in consolation. ?Where is Han, anyway??

?If there?s any justice,? Luke answered sulkily, ?he?s in the refresher, throwing up.?


The End

 

I was given the task of making the final scene of RotS humorous.

My Comment: ACK! I think I'd have more success shooting at a target that's only two meters wide, and that's *not* like bullseyeing wamp rats in beggar's canyon back home! Ok, I'll do it

Title: The handing over of Luke, and perhaps some discord on the Lars Farm?



Tattooine-Sunset

Obi-wan Kenobi, Former Jedi Master approaches the Lars homestead on his ride, craddling the babe in his arms, standing facing the binary sunset is Owen Lars with his wife Beru. Obi-Wan dismounts and carries the child toward the ones that know not that they are newly proud parents. Beru, excited to see a baby, comes bounding down the sand dune, in her excitement, she trips and goes rolling like Princess Vespa from Spaceballs, once she comes to the bottom she picks herself up and hurries on over to Obi-wan, blushing bright red. Obi-Wan shakes his head, rolls his eyes and allows an exasperated, long suffering sigh to escape his lips before presenting Beru with her child.

Obi-Wan: "Right, well here you are, a brand spanking new son since your...husband...seems to be ill equipped to give you such things"

Beru frowns a little at that remark but gives Kenobi the hungry once over..

Beru: (monologue in her head) Kriffing Sith that guy is HAWT! Maybe I should leave Owen for him and really get some 'lightsaber training'

Beru takes the babe from Kenobi and smiles down at the child, rubbing her nose against the infant's feeling the love and warmth

Beru: Thank you Master Kenobi, we'll make sure the world doesn't know Luke isn't the son of Anakin Skywalker, and we'll be grateful for whatever...assistance...you can provide.

As if to make her point, Beru's eyes again travel over Kenobi's form

Kenobi (Monologue): So is this where I get the chance to drop my Jedi Knickers and pull out my REAL lightsaber? Beru's pretty hot for a desert wench

Obi-Wan takes a moment to mentally kick himself, smiles to Beru and wanders off.

In the Lars Homestead, it's time for Luke's diaper to be changed, just as Beru peels back the swaddling covering Luke she finds a pink cloth covered with smilie faces that look like Yoda....

Beru: That kriffin sonofasithspawn! He told us this was a BOY!


Please be gentle, I'm a fic posting virgin..erm..I mean ~glances about~ I am a Dark Lord of the Sith! I fear nobody! LOL

 

Wow! That glimpse inside Palpy's head was... great! I don't think he was actually thinking too funny like the moment, though!

Poor Luke... all heartbroken over a fruitcake! I loved the end bit with Han!

Drachonus, I would say that there was *slight* discord there! For a fanficin virgin- I mean- Sith Lord, you did awesome!

Great job you guys! You got some pretty hard stuff thrown at you... but you all did great!

 

Workshop #1

21.
The Empire Strikes Back: Luke wakes up to find himself hanging upside down in the waampa lair... and his lightsaber is just barely out of reach.

A/N: I don't even know if this is even marginally funny, so please be mercifull...

The Orchid and the Wampa

Headache.

One hell of a headache.

The grandmother of all headaches.

Luke Skywalker wondered if what had caused it was at least worth it. Maybe Han had kept his word and smuggled enough alcohol to make Echo Base?s warming up party a really memorable one ? not that he thought that Echo Base could EVER be warmed up.

With a superhuman display of willpower he opened his eyes just a slit. One eye to be precise, since the other one seemed quite reluctant to work properly.

White.

Everything was white.

At least that was a good sign, Echo Base was mostly white too, he mused hopefully. Then he remembered that the entire planet Hoth was mostly white and his heart sank all the way down to his feet. Feet? Down? Something did not seem all right with both concepts.

The young Tatooinian tipped his chin to his chest and what he saw made his arms flail in surprise. Sithspit! Maybe accusing Janson of having cold feet about inviting Corporal R?nair out hadn?t been his brightest idea after all.

He tried to pull his feet free, without success, and he groaned in frustration. The noise sounded louder than he expected ? Oh, Force, was that I? - But it was followed by an energetic chewing sound that he was sure he had never produced, at least since he was out of his teen years.

He looked around for the source of the noise and small, beastly, killer eyes looked back at him. Luke wanted to groan again as he remembered everything except if wampas liked to eat their catch alive or not. Not that its current meal seemed much lively right now.

Why did everybody assume that he knew everything about animal habits because he had been raised in a farm? It had cost him several months and more than one shift stuck helping with the livestock when he was not flying to discover that the officer that had typed down his registry in a hurry right before the Battle of Yavin had omitted the word ?moisture? in the field ?former job?.

After that, he had been immediately reassigned to the greenhouse. ?Moisture farming?? Leia had asked innocently when he had turned to her in desperation after he killed Mon Mothma?s favorite Chandrillan orchid. ?Isn?t that like hydroponics or something??

He suspected that his present trouble was even deadlier than facing the Alliance Commander-in-Chief with the news of the passing of her pet plant so he decided to risk moving and reach for his lightsaber. Which was sadly not where he usually carried the item, but a few feet away, stuck in a snow bank.

He tried to move it with his mind, even if the biggest thing he had been successful in moving so far had been a few small excess screws from when he had disassembled his X-wing comm unit. The lightsaber heavy hilt did not budge.

Shavit, why did this kind of things always happen to him? Just when he was convinced he was going somewhere with his training. What would Ben say about it? Reach out with your feelings...

The young Jedi closed his eyes. Now, if he could just do that before the wampa reached out with his claws and ate him...

The lightsaber jumped into his hand.

 

Aww! That was good! Poor Luke... he probably wished that he was having a hangover I liked the part where it was talking about him wanting to get his lightsaber before the monster reached out and got him!

 

Workshop #1

This was my assignment - Return of the Jedi: On their way to face the Emperor, Luke and Vader ride in the same turbolift.

Title: Getting to Know You

Luke stared at the walls of the turbolift. The seconds ticked by in silence.

?You are already on your way,? Vader shattered the quiet.

?I just wish we?d get there. Is there no way to speed this thing up?? Luke asked slamming the buttons of the turbolift panel with his bound hands.

?No, for all the credits that have gone into this Death Star, the Emperor cheaped out on the lifts, but that?s not what I was talking about. I can sense that you have already had a taste of the Dark Side.?

?Yes, but I managed to resist unlike another Skywalker,? Luke sneered.

Vader chuckled.

?You already have the look about you. The self-righteousness, the sneer and look what you chose for robes. Black, just like that other Skywalker you so easily mock,? Vader said. ?The neck?s a little high though. Not really my style.?

?I like black. It?s slimming, besides, it doesn?t show the dirt,? Luke replied.

?Really? I?ve found that black collects Bantha hair like crazy. Go within a breath of those beasts and you?re covered. They shed like crazy.?

?True but I?ve designed this nifty gadget that sucks the hair away,? Luke said, pulling a small roller from an inside pocket with the Force. ?Wanna try it??

?Thanks.? Vader turned it over in his hand, examining the device. ?It looks like something I would have made. Good job.?

?I like to tinker with stuff. R2?s a big help too.?

?How is the little guy anyway? I could have used him a few times in the last years.?

?You know R2??

?Of course. He was a gift to me from your mother.?

?My mother? You knew my mother?? Luke turned to Vader in anticipation.

Vader turned to Luke and cocked his head.

?I see that Obi-Wan left some things out of his teachings,? Vader said.

?Oh, right, of course you knew my mother,? Luke said blushing, ?and Obi-Wan taught me everything I need to know. Well, he and Jedi Master Yoda.?

?Bah! Masters Obi-Wan and Yoda probably held as much from you as they did from me. Although, I must admit there were some things that my old Master taught me that...? Vader paused and cleared his throat. ?There is much they did not teach you, about the Dark Side, yet you wear its colours.?

?My designer said black was this season?s colour and by the way, the neck is very haute couture. Feel the fabric.? Luke moved towards Vader. ?Oh, sorry. The gloves. I forgot.?

?The gloves transmit the feel of things to the sensors in my superior hands. I too like to tinker,? Vader said reaching towards Luke?s shirt. ?Nice. Soft. I wouldn?t have thought such coarse looking material would have such a delicate texture. You must give me the name of your designer. I could do with a new look.?

?He could use the business but no. He?s with the Rebel Alliance and... Oh, crap. I shouldn?t have said that.?

The turbolift came to a halt.

?Our destiny awaits,? they both said as the doors opened.

 

Since I'm mentioned in the opening post, which apparently implies that I'm responsible for conspiring to commit terrorism, executing blatantly terroristic acts, and causing the deaths of untold millions of innocent people, I think it would be wrong for me to ignore this thread.

---

[b]-If you are a writer, what genre of fanfiction do you usually write?[/b]

Humor and...that other one. Not really angst, because angst implies a sort of inner brooding. An inward-focused self-examination that always draws the same depressing conclusions. My serious work tends to be bit too violent for that sort of label, but at the same time, I usually surround the violence in that same doubt-filling introspection commonly seen in angst. Kind of a mix of dark action and angsty brooding. For lack of a better term, I call it the [i]'sad explosions'[/i] genre.

[b]-Have you ever written humorous fanfiction? If yes, please tell us about your experience (whether you enjoy writing it, how your readers responded, whether it came naturally or difficultly, etc.). If no, please tell us why you are now interested in writing it and why you haven?t done so before.[/b]

I wouldn't be caught [i]dead[/i]!
Really, I mean it. If you ever caught me writing humor fics, there's a very good chance I'd be alive.

My experience comes in the form of an unfinished series of character studies that revolves around my namesake, Yodimus. Ale keeps insisting that reading those is like tripping, but I think he might be on something.
Also, I'm writing a parody of ESB that's pretty remorseless. I'm actually surprised I haven't killed any of the main characters yet. My experience can also come in the form of a Large and Moving Slor, useful for roasting Shubs and Zuuls within its depths.

[b]-Do you enjoy reading humorous fanfiction? For those of you who read humor, who are your favorite authors? If you do not enjoy reading humor, why is it so?[/b]

Of course I do! Though, hipocritically, I tend to avoid stories that look like parodies. I can't explain why, except that it may have something to do with a certain film by a certain pair of unfunny brothers that parodies a film that parodies horror movies..

Anyway, there are a ton of incredibly funny authors out there. Off-hand (my on-hand is wielding the rapier that killed your father), I recall [b]the Face[/b] and [b]DWH[/b] cracking me up recently. I know there are more, but I'd have to run through my post list to find them, because I'm terrible at remembering names.

[b]-What would you like to see from this thread?[/b]

[i][b]JIHAD![/b][/i]
*cough* I mean [i][b]HUMOR![/b][/i] - what were we talking about?

 

Catching up on all the stories here!! Great job everyone.

BrentusofGath ? I loved the talking slithery thing and Luke worrying about what everyone would think. And the Qui-Gon death scene ? what a challenge that must have been, but you did add humor ? odd humor but nonetheless. Great job!

Quigonjecca Loved the stuffed Jawa and the Great Gnome Vampire!

-thor- Ha! The afterlife is overrated! At first I thought Jango?s dismembered head was talking. The comment about the wings and rocketpacket was hilarious!

ale I?m giggling away here! Loved how dense Anakin was.

Commander-DWH My favourite line was - Anakin, I think you abandoned being the Jedi you're supposed to be around the time we got married. Very funny stuff. And the last line was a great closer.

TheMusicalJedi I loved the way you used lines from different parts of the movie, the coarse sand and particularly the last line it?s all Obi-Wan?s fault! Nicely done.

earlybird-obi-wan I loved the idea of the Jedi ghost and Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon playing in the snow. Cute! A little crazy but cute.

AnakinGirl05 Great to see you here! And yah, I saw Alec Balwin?s face frying while I read this! Ha! The facial peel and chapstick comments were priceless. Great job! You always do make me laugh.

Alexis_Wingstar My first thought was Fruitcake??? But that was funny. A perfect whiny Luke.

Darth_Drachonus I loved Beru?s twice over of Obi-Wan and her desire for some lightsabre training. That was great especially for an ?innocent? at the fanfic.

GoldenJedi Great comments about the farming and challenges with that, killing Mon Moth?s orchid and Leia?s comment about hydroponics.

 

Disussion Questions: Set #1

-If you are a writer, what genre of fanfiction do you usually write?

I usually write angst and what some would call mush. I include humor in my stories, but except for the scene I did for this workshop, I have never did a whole story with just humor... ok, so the scene really doesn't count as a whole story...

-Have you ever written humorous fanfiction? If yes, please tell us about your experience (whether you enjoy writing it, how your readers responded, whether it came naturally or difficultly, etc.). If no, please tell us why you are now interested in writing it and why you haven?t done so before.

There was one story I did, "Dropping In", that I started as a humor piece, but wound up mostly romance... with a heavy dose of humor scattered throughout. I did enjoy writing it... it's hard not to write humor without laughing or snickering. Those who responded did seem to like it... though I have never seen on these boards post a bad review (that is, say something like, "This story sucks! I should sue you for wasting my valuable time by posting such unmitigated drivel! If I ever find out who you really are, I will do just that!")

-Do you enjoy reading humorous fanfiction? For those of you who read humor, who are your favorite authors? If you do not enjoy reading humor, why is it so?

Yes, though I read other stuff, too. The usual suspects, VaderLVR64, 1Yodimus_Prime and a couple others I cannot for the life of me remember right now and am too lazy... er, tired... to look up right now.

-What would you like to see from this thread?

Um.... humor?

 

Kayla, yours was awesome! I loved the whole discussion about the clothing- and how Luke let it slip that his designer was a Rebel! I found the part where Luke went "You knew my mother???!" absolutely hysterical!

Yod!!! It is good to have you here! I can't promise any jihads- that would be more of the OC Revolutionaries area of expertise- but maybe some good fun and humor??!

 

ROTFL! I think that was my favorite bit in everything I've read on this thread so far.

Great job.

 

earlybird-obi-wan ? Loved the snowball fight. I hope Obi got in a bunch of hits on Qui. Very cute.

AnakinGirl05 ? LOL on the Panda bear. I remember Robot Chicken doing that one.
LOL on Anakin taking out the saber and cutting off Mace's hand and then he's relieved. Cute!

Alexis_Wingstar ? Fruitcakes are awful! LOL. Poor Luke, having the only thing left of Beru eaten by Han. If he'd have left it alone, it would have lasted for centuries. Very funny.

Darth_Drachonus ? very funny with Beru and Obi-Wan sizing each other up. Good thing Ben kept his lightsaber where it belonged!

Golden_Jedi ? Loved that he killed the orchid. LOL on the farmer and people not knowing that he was a 'moisture' farmer! Great job.

PadwanKayla ? Black is slimming. Very funny. And you knew my mother. Oh, boy?

 

Workshop #1
Mystery Scene #7
At the beginning of the movie, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are waiting to meet with delegates from the Trade Federation. They make some small talk and have a drink.

Comments: This was a hard one. Nothing terribly slap-stick or Airplanesque-goofy came to mind. I rather took some minor traits (IMO anyway) of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon and drew them out to ludicrous levels.

---

The hooded pair was led into a conference room by silver protocol droid TC-14, who promptly left the two alone as the portal closed behind them. They removed their hoods simultaneously, as if officially announcing their arrival to the empty chamber.

?I have a bad feeling about this,? Obi-Wan muttered, looking about as if trying to focus on the source of the sensation.

?I don?t sense anything,? Qui-Gon replied.

?You?ve been smoking that Ithorian leaf again, haven?t you? You can hardly sense when you?ve accidentally stuck your hand in a fire when you use that stuff you know.?

Qui-Gon snorted. ?That is irrelevant. You?re focusing on your anxiety, which you wouldn?t have by the way if you?d try some, rather than on the here and now where it belongs.?

?Master Yoda says that I should be mindful of my feelings!? Obi-Wan countered.

?But not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the Living Force, my young padawan. Focus on life, peace and love.?

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and walked toward the viewport. ?Here we go: wise words from the ?hippie Jedi?. Tell me again just how many of these negotiations you?ve won by telling the two parties to just think about peace and love??

Qui-Gon paused, trying to recall an instance as the doorway opened once more. Obi-Wan?s face brightened expecting the Trade Federation delegates to walk through, so that this mission could end quickly. He frowned when he saw that it was only TC-14 again, but holding a tray with drinks.

?Dorian Brandy,? TC-14 announced. Obi-Wan nearly cried out with joy, and rushed the protocol droid, nearly crashing into the tray.

Obi-Wan took one of the two cups and began drinking the beverage down with relish.

Qui-Gon sighed. ?Well, now who is about to lose his ?sense?, hmmm? You hypocrite. You can?t stand to be sober for longer than a day, can you??

Obi-Wan gasped for air and placed the now empty cup back on the tray. ?Try traveling in hyperspace with you and see if it doesn?t drive you to drink!? He picked up the other cup, and began to drink it as well.

?It doesn?t help that when inebriated you?re an ?angry drunk?,? Qui-Gon bemoaned. ?At least my negotiation tactics involve peaceful resolution. You tend to call each party ?pathetic lifeforms?, and then insult their lineage?as if that is at all productive.?

?Oh, go meditate on something,? Obi-Wan barked.
[hr]

Comments on the previous works pending...

 

dianethx: Let me at her. I'm going to delete that scene. She's looking at my little boy and thinking evil thoughts. That was so great!

BrentusOfGath: My name is Lord Kinboat, Luke, and I intend to save the galaxy, not through violence, but by taking everyone's boots so they can't have military precision marching. I?m rather envious of your imagination right now. The comm bounced off one wall, soaring right into the back of the Sith's head. That image was so funny!

Quigonjecca: I dreamt I?turned into a gnome I guess there?s nothing worse for a tall guy!

-thor-: I've got to pay the rocketfuel, too. 'There's no budget for that Priceless!

correllian_ale: You won the Coruscant Lotto? Now we can move to your villa on Naboo! Retirement, here I come LOL!

Commander-DWH: You run out and fix them," Padme nodded. "Occasionally resulting in broken limbs, scared animals, and fried circuitry Heee?! So true!

The Musical Jedi: It is all Obi-Wan?s fault. Indeed... Poor Ani!

earlybird-obi-wan: General Veers said ?I said that at at.? He started to hum ?we are living in a purple At At At. LOL!

AnakinGirl05: I wonder if this is what a facial peel feels like? OMG! That was what it was supposed to be????

Alexis_Wingstar: Too bad I can?t quote it all? That was just brilliant!

Darth_Draconus: Right, well here you are, a brand spanking new son since your...husband...seems to be ill equipped to give you such things Ouch! No laughing at other men?s problems, Obi-Wan! It can backfire at you!

PadawanKayla: My mother? You knew my mother?? Luke turned to Vader in anticipation. Vader turned to Luke and cocked his head. ?I see that Obi-Wan left some things out of his teachings,? Vader said. This is just too funny to read at work?

BigE: At least my negotiation tactics involve peaceful resolution. You tend to call each party ?pathetic lifeforms?, and then insult their lineage? Hilarious!

 

BigE - for some reason this struck me as hilarious.

?It doesn?t help that when inebriated you?re an ?angry drunk?,? Qui-Gon bemoaned. ?At least my negotiation tactics involve peaceful resolution. You tend to call each party ?pathetic lifeforms?, and then insult their lineage?as if that is at all productive.?

?Oh, go meditate on something,? Obi-Wan barked.

The hippie and the drunk. Great job.

 

dianethx - Right away I started laughing, with the thoughts of myself and the remote, haha. Then I kept reading and it kept getting funnier, and yeah, you brought up all my favorite scenes. Too funny! I liked that Padme was thinking "those" kind of thoughts about Qui-Gon, I know I do too, haha. Great job!

BrentusofGath - I love it, the boot eating monster! That was really good, and a tough scene to make funny! You did it though! And then you got what has to be the hardest scene to make funny, well one of them anyway, with that second one....Wow, Biggles! I have this vision of him as sort of a cross between Jar Jar and the ultra geek in Midnight Madness, haha. Good job!

Quigonjecca - Haha, Anakin as a gnome, him and Padme in the gnome freak show and the gnome vampires, so creative! I loved it!

-thor- Wow, the more of these I go back through the more I realize I got an easy one! What a toughie to make funny, but you did it with your mention of the afterlife being overrated, good job!

correllian_ale - Hehe, Anakin giving Obi-Wan mouth to mouth made me giggle, the onion breath and all. And I love Anakin chasing after Bail, I always thought he was a better choice for her anyway, haha. Good job!

Commander-DWH - Right away the thought of Anakin trying to hire a cleaning service to rid the room of Obi-Wan's presence had me going. I liked his and Padme's bantering, I could just see her rolling her eyes after he said he doesn't brood. And that, we know, he does! You did great!

The Musical Jedi - The whole thing was good and I have to admit, during Anakin's ultimate whiny period in AotC, I have thought similar things, haha, but the best was the punchline indeed, everything really is Obi-Wan's fault!! Excellent!

earlybird-obi-wan - Yay, snowball fights!!! That had me giggling, I would love to see those two actually have a snowball fight! Good job!

Alexis_Wingstar - Hee, who knew fruitcakes could elicit such tears. And Han deserves to throw up after eating it! LOL!

Darth_Drachonus - Hahahaha, that is exactly what I would be doing if Obi-Wan was standing in front of me all hot too, hehe. I loved it!

Golden_Jedi - I thought that was really cute, the last line about the wampa and the claws, you did a good job!!

PadwanKayla - LOL, this was really very funny. The bit about knowing his mother was priceless of course, but know what my fave was? Vader slipping that his Master had taught him some things, hehe. I love your crack Vader, he always makes me giggle.

BigE- Ha, I love those two all arguing and Obi-Wan drinking, they are quite a pair, aren't they? Great job!

 

?But not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the Living Force, my young padawan. Focus on life, peace and love.?

Now, that is awesome! I could almost hear some of that great 70s music during this

As I was handing these out, I naturally had my own ideas of how each scene would go- and I think you hit this one perfectly!

I started laughing outloud at this: ?Dorian Brandy,? TC-14 announced. Obi-Wan nearly cried out with joy, and rushed the protocol droid, nearly crashing into the tray.

 

I was looking the list again as I now feel inspired. Any chance there are selections left as I'd love to do another. And btw, I think #17 was the one I requested before and its showing as blank.

bigE - loved the hippy & angry young one banter. Nice! Poor Obi - his reputation follows him everywhere!

 

MY TASK - #13 The Empire Strikes Back: In this movie, Vader strangles the Admiral who lost track of the Falcon...

Your task is to make this morbid part funny.

MY COMMENT - Alright! Morbid is good. (And by the way, Needa was a Captain, not an Admiral. ["Apology accepted, Captain Needa." But whatever.)

Responsibility and Baked Goods

"Sir, the ship isn't on our scopes!"

Captain Needa whirled around to face the technician that had spoken. "Impossible!" He spat. "No ship that small has a cloaking device." He paused for a moment, and stared into space, deep in thought. "Not unless it was a magic ship."

The technician interrupted this train of thought. "Sir, Lord Vader wishes to receive an update on the pursuit."

Needa stroked his chin. The revelation that the Star Destroyer Avenger was tracking a magical ship would certainly change the status of their mission. "Inform Lord Vader of the proceedings. But leave out the part where we lost the ship."

"You want me to lie?"

"Goodness, no!" Needa waved a hand at him disapprovingly. "No, no. No."

The technician was confused. "Then what do you want me to tell him?"

"Tell him..." Needa though quickly, "tell him we need muffins. Yes, yes! Muffins. That will lure them out...like moths to a gingerbread house. No one can resist the smell of fresh muffins!"

"Um, sir?" The technician raised his hand meekly. "Uh, I'm pretty sure that since space is a vacuum, that the enemy ship would be unable to smell the muffins, assuming we acquired some."

"A vacuum?" Needa frowned and tapped on the window with his knuckle. "Nonsense! If it was a vacuum, then how would we be able to hear the spaceships flying past, or the explosions!"

"I don't know sir. You might as well ask me to explain why giant yellow words materialize at the start of every movie."

Needa arched an eyebrow in the technician's direction. "I thought that was just to explain the exposition."

"It doesn't matter." The technician shook his head. "But what about Lord Vader?"

"Oh, right." Needa rolled his eyes. "That guy. Well, I guess I could go over there and talk things out with him. I'm sure he'll understand."

***

Darth Vader set the needle on the record player and let the soothing music echo through the chamber. All around him, pink bubbles foamed and rose from the water. The smell of scented candles flowing through his ventilator.

Even Dark Lords of the Sith must have their 'me' time.

Suddenly, there was a three loud bangs permeated the serenity. "What's this?" Vader looked up, angered that something dare interrupt him. "It sounds as though a tapping. As if a gentle rapping, someone rapping at my chamber door." He barked at the door, "Who is it?!"

"Uh, Captain Needa." Vader could hear the Captain's voice, muffled though it was through the door. "It's about the Millennium Falcon."

At this, Needa opened the door and poked his head in. One could only imagine how he felt, peering in on the Dark Lord of the Sith as he was in the middle of a bubble bath. "Yes, what about it?" Vader demanded.

"Um..." Needa found it difficult to recall what had brought him here. "Oh, uh, this is for you." He produced a card and a small pink balloon.

Darth Vader glared at these gifts for quite some time, nonplussed. Eventually, he snatched the card from Needa's hand and opened it. "What the hell is this?"

Needa stood up straight and threw his shoulders back. "I assume fully responsibility for the loss of the ship. I apologize, Lord Vader."

Without looking at it, Vader tossed the card away and then tugged at the balloon string. Big white letters read, 'I'M SORRY'. "I also brought you some muffins." Needa held out a small bag with a muffin in it. "Well, okay, I ate some of them on my way over here, but they're really good."

Vader was unimpressed. "Yeah? And how am I supposed to eat them?"

Needa furrowed his brow and contemplated the difficulties of eating a muffin through a ventilator. The end result was th

 

BigE LOL! Obi a Scottish drunk. That's just silly, no one would believe that!




Manion "But what about Lord Vader?"

"Oh, right." Needa rolled his eyes. "That guy."

That had me really laughing aloud. And all the muffin talk was groovy too. and the punchline at the end was a killer!

 

Workshop #1

#18:
Return of the Jedi: Not destined to fall to the Dark Side, Luke tells the Emperor, "You have failed, your Highness- I am a Jedi, like my father before me."

Note: This is my first humor fic ever, after reading it you will probably all understand why I don't write humor.

The chamber was deathly silent after the young man's declaration. The Emperor looked at the brave man before him, and then looked at his apprentice. There was no denying that Luke Skywalker was the son of Darth Vader.

The old man had seen it all before?the bravery, the determination?.the abject stupidity. He shook his head, "Jedi? Where did you ever get that idea?"

Luke was surprised by the question but was trying his best not to show it. "My father was a noble and brave Jedi once, before the dark side took hold of him."

The Emperor spared a glance at his apprentice, "I should not be surprised at the idiocy of the Skywalkers, but really, this is beyond the pale."

Darth Vader, who had been silent thus far, finally spoke, "This is all Obi-Wan's fault."

"Don't blame him; half of the boy's DNA is yours."

"Don't start with me," Vader warned before turning to his son. "It seems you have been misinformed."

"About a great many things," the Emperor finished with a sigh.

Luke eyed the two men with suspicion, "What are you talking about?"

"I was never a Jedi," Vader admitted.

"You are lying, this is a trick." Shocked by his father's confession, Luke had dropped his calm demeanor. "Ben told me that you were his student."

The Emperor's only response was hysterical laughter.

"If he wasn't dead already, I would kill him," Vader vowed.

"You already killed him!" Luke yelled as he unsuccessfully tried to get control of his raging emotions.

Vader could not take any more of this, "He passed out drunk and fell down the ventilation shaft! Didn't you ever wonder why there was no body?"

The Emperor watched as Luke's outrage turned to hopelessness as the truth of what Vader said finally sunk into to his very thick skull. The boy was almost ready to come into his destiny. All it would take is one little push in the right direction and the child would be his. "You see, it was all a lie. Obi-Wan Kenobi was not a Jedi, neither was your father, and neither are you."

Luke looked up to his father, "If you were not a Jedi, then what were you?"

Vader put his gloved hand on his son's shoulder and looked meaningfully into his eyes and spoke the truth. "We're in sales."

"Specifically," added the Emperor, "appliance sales."

"Appliance sales!"

"Oh yes." The Emperor then walked to the wall and pushed a hidden button. The wall opened up to reveal what appeared to be acres of various appliances, each with price tags. "Haven't you ever see our commercials? I am the Emperor of Low, Low Prices and this is my apprentice, the Dark Lord of Unmatchable Quality."

Luke shook his head, "So, you two really don't run the Empire. All you do is sell cheap appliances?"

"Cheap! We have the finest selection in the galaxy," Vader growled.

The Emperor (of low, low prices) smiled; his plan was working out beautifully. "Join us Luke, together will make a fortune! I'll even give you a bigger percentage of all extended warranties you sell."

Vader reached out his hand to his son, "Join us, it is your destiny."

 

Darth_Manion Those that did not usually got dead. This line just cracked me up. And the vision of Vader in a bubble bath - Well done.

Kelli_LB This is all Obi-Wan?s fault! OMG! I laughed so hard! It?s always Obi-Wan?s fault! And then I read the rest. Love the explanation for Obi-Wan?s death. This was so out there and terrific. Appliance sales indeed!

 

I had to do this. Thanks to Anakin's Favorite for the idea.


Title: What would you do for a Klondike bar?


Seperatist ships clash angrily with the Republic Destroyers outside the massive windows on the observation tower of the Invisible Hand. Gazing out the ports, a single occupant: Darth Sidious, bound to the chair, his mind wanders: I'm experiancing a sorta forward deja vu! I predict that in twenty some odd years I'll be sitting in a similar chair in a similar situation. Only I won't be the captive! Yesssssssssssssssssss! Everything is transpiring according to my vision! Suddenly a turbolift opens, and out steps Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, and Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Sidious senses them behind him, and quickly puts on the face of the benevolent Supreme Chancellor. The knights walk over to the throne, Kenobi bows and addresses Sidious "Chancellor" and his apprentice manages to mumble "Are you alright?" Riiiiiiiiiiight on time Sidious thinks, as another set of turbolift doors open, revealing the former Master Dooku "Count Dooku" Palpatine says quietly directing Obi-Wan and Anakin toward the Sith Lord's presence.


"This time, we'll do it together" Obi-Wan says, a bit of annoyance creeping into his voice. The last time this meeting occured, his head strong padawan rushed head first into battle and wound up getting fried like a piece of KFC. Mmmmmmmmmm Chicken Obi-Wan thinks, just as Anakin's voice invades his thoughts "I was about to say that." It's all Obi-Wan can do not to roll his eyes at Anakin, but be that as it may Palpatine makes a plea with the Jedi "Get help! You're no match for him! He's a Sith Lord!" Obi-Wan chuckles to himself and grins "Chancellor Palpatine, Sith Lords are our Speciality!" The usual taunts are exchanged, and the battle ranges, it's fierce, suddenly Anakin finds himself with Dooku at his mercy, handless, two blades crossed at his neck, Palpatine goading him to kill Dooku, Dooku, realizing he's been betrayed looks up at the Chosen One and attempts one final act of desperation to save his life. "Wait boy! Wait! I'm sorry about your arm! I'm helpless, I'm defenseless, you wouldn't kill your great, grandfather would you?!" There's hope in Dooku's eyes as Anakin seems to think it over, seeming to weigh the pros and cons of it, ignoring Palpatine's commands altogether. Finally Anakin looks at the Count and grins wickedly, responding "Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike Bar!" and proceeds to sever Dooku's head from it's body. Palpatine sits there, staring at the Chosen One, mouth agape he thinks Well, that certainly solves THAT riddle, doesn't it?




Like it? Hate it? Have a hankering for a Klondike Bar or some good ole KFC? Either way, I'll wager you NEVER look at this scene the same way again!

 

Kelli LB


"You already killed him!" Luke yelled as he unsuccessfully tried to get control of his raging emotions.

Vader could not take any more of this, "He passed out drunk and fell down the ventilation shaft! Didn't you ever wonder why there was no body?"

LOL! Poor drunk Obi, he's always to blame. He should really sober up; he's embarrassing the Jedi.


Luke shook his head, "So, you two really don't run the Empire. All you do is sell cheap appliances?"

"Cheap! We have the finest selection in the galaxy," Vader growled.

ROTFL! That made me laugh out loud. Poor, gullible Luke, he'll buy just about anything, won't he? Including one of their appliances.

That was great!


Drachonus That was... interesting.

 

Lots of catch-up... But I can do it!

BrentusofGath - Great imagery at the beginning! Lord Kinboat? Hilarious! He might be onto something with the boot-stealing-thing! And twice... Loved Obi groaning at his own line. Great physical comedy! Poor Qui-Gon! I hope Obi-Wan made up something nice to tell the other Jedi.

Quigonjecca - A gnome! Glad to know this is the one who's supposed to bring balance to the Force. And the poor stuffed Jawa, abandoned because of the war.

-thor- - Apparently the Mandos really don't have anything beyond glory in battle.

ale - I loved Anakin's inability to stop - just for a moment - and hear what Padme was trying to tell him. Poor Baill, once Ani catches up with him!

DWH - I don't brood. The banter between Anakin and Padme was great. I enjoyed her pointing out that Anakin, for choices already made, wasn't exactly in the running for Jedi of the Year.

earlybird-obi-wan - Qui-Gon even picks on Obi in the afterlife? Awww... Is that a Beatles reference I spy? I think General Veers has been working too hard.

AnakinGirl05 - Chapstick isn't going to save you now, Palpy! His monologue was hilarious. I also liked his seeing his reflection in Mace's head.

Alexis - Poor Luke! He even agreed the fruitcake wasn't any good! I loved the last line most of all.

Darth_Drachonus - Nice jab at Owen's manhood. And Beru? Obi's taken. There's a line. Nice first post! As for your other piece - nice to know that Anakin can be sold out for so little. Dooku never had a chance.

Golden - Having to work with livestock must have been a huge change from moisture farming. I liked Leia trying to understand what that was. I'm guessing Luke won't be going out with Han again any time soon.

PadwanKayla - You knew my mother? This had me laughing hysterically. I think Luke needs "the talk." Obi-Wan has been remiss.

BigE - I think you pulled out their stereotypes quite well. I'm not sure who to feel worse for, Obi-Wan or Qui-Gon. ?Oh, go meditate on something,? Obi-Wan barked. I can completely see Obi saying this.

Darth _Manion - Did Needa get into Qui-Gon's Ithorian leaf stash? I loved his solution for Vader eating muffins! And the last line was also great. I need some of those candles.

Kelli - It's always Obi-Wan's fault, isn't it? And such an ignoble death for him! Appliance sales? I would have turned to the Dark Side too! Very funny!