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Saga - PT Attack of The Clones Humorous Version Repost--The Compilation-complete-SPOILERS of ST possibly

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by study3600, Jun 8, 2021.

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  1. study3600

    study3600 Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Jul 16, 1999

    COUNT DOODO sits at a large conference table with PATME on the far side. MANAKIN stands behind her (discreetly ogling her luscious curves) with FOUR GENESIS BUG GUARDS (also checking out PATME ) standing behind him. MANGO FETT stands behind COUNT DOODO, and SIX GENESIS BUG GUARDS stand behind him.

    PATME: You are holding a Jedi Knight, Ob-Ewan McNobi. I am formally requesting you turn him over to me, now.

    DOODU: I don't think so.

    OB-EWAN AND MACE WINDY: Hey, that's my line!

    DOODU: He has been convicted of espionage, as well as three counts of corrupting a minor and seven of indecent exposure. He also has fifty-three outstanding parking violations. He will be executed - in just a few hours, I believe.

    COUNT DOODU smiles.

    PATME: He is an officer of the Republic. You can't do that.

    COUNT DOODU: We don't recognize the Republic here, Senator, but if Nuhboo were to join our Alliance, I could easily hear your plea for clemency. Actually, I can easily hear your plea for clemency already, but I'm choosing to ignore it, you see.

    PATME: NuhBOO will never join you.

    PATME pauses, a thoughtful look on her face.

    PATME: But maybe this will do instead.

    PATME eyes COUNT DOODO seductively and begins to remove her shirt. PORNO MUSIC starts up in the background.


    PATME: What, is this getting too racy for you?

    GEORGE LUCAS: No, no, it's just... (brandishes script) I decided that this scene has way too much dialogue in it. I'm a visual storyteller, remember? Let's get this over with and get to the big action sequence. Take it from the end of this scene. Mango?

    MANGO: Take them away!


    MANAKIN and PATME are standing in the center of what looks like a courtroom (well if it only LOOKS like a courtroom, then what is it?). Seated before them in a tall boxed off area is TROGGLE THE LITTLE, the Archduke of Genesis. He is accompanied by his underling, SOME FAT. Off to one side sit Separatist Senators CHIEN PO, TESLA, and BUCKTOOTH TORA. Next to them are Commercial dignitaries SHOE HORN, NEWT RAYGUN, PASQUALLE FROM ARGENTINA, WHAT TIME, and SAM HILL of the intergalactic Bank 1 Clan. Along the wall are a HUNDRED GENESINS.

    SOME FAT: You have been charged and found guilty of impersonating bounty hunters.

    TROGGLE: Do you have anything to say before your sentence is carried out?

    MANAKIN: I am taking Ob-Ewan and the Wookiee. You can either profit by this or be destroyed. It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.

    TROGGLE laughs. COUNT DOODU (where was he in the scene description?!) simply smiles.

    RAYGUN: Carry out the assassination. I want to see her head on my desk.

    PATME: You were behind the assassination attempts?

    RAYGUN: Yes. Your little insurrection is at an end, your highness. Now let's sign the treaty and end this pointless debate in the Senate.


    GHOST OF LI-GON: Hey! Rehashing TPM lines is MY job!

    TROGGLE: Your other Jedi friend is waiting for you, Senator. Take them to the Gladiator ripoff arena!

    FOUR BUG GUARDS take hold of PATME and MANAKIN. They are escorted out of the chamber.


    In the gloomy tunnel, MANAKIN and PATME are tossed into an open cart. The murmur of a vast crowd (“MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS!“) is heard offscreen. BUG GUARDS extend their arms along the framework and tie them--

    Jeff 42: Hold on, I got confused for a second there. The bug guards’ arms or Manakin and Patme’s arms?

    GL: Oh, you writers and your obsessive attention to clear pronoun usage. Whose arms do you think?--so that they stand facing each other.

    Manakin: Don’t be afraid.

    Patme:I’m not afraid--

    Manakin:You will be!

    Patme:Er, I’m not afraid to die... I’ve been dying a little bit each day that I’ve been away from Nuhboo.

    Manakin:What are you talking about?

    Patme:I love Boss Nasty.

    Manakin:What the ****?

    Patme:You heard me.

    Manakin:Wouldn’t, um, doing it with a fat, ugly Gungan destroy your life?

    Patme:I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. I truly, deeply, love Boss Nasty, but since he’s not here I guess I’ll have to settle for you. Kiss me, you fool!PATME( leans toward MANAKIN. By straining hard, it is just possible for MANAKIN to cop a feel as their lips meet. They kiss.)

    The DRIVER cracks his whip over the ORRAY-MI-FA-SOL-LA-TI-O harnessed between the shafts. The cart jerks forward. Suddenly there is a HUGE ROAR as a T-REX appears and devours three BUG GUARDS before being sucked back into the ILM computer from whence it came. The cart emerges into the arena.


    The great stadium is packed with tier upon tier of yelling GENESINS and ROMANS. The cart trundles to the center, where OB-EWAN is chained to one of four upright posts that are three feet in diameter.

    Jeff 42: I would have written “one meter” rather than “three feet” there - I didn’t think they used the English measurement system in Star Wars.

    George Lucas: Shut. Up.

    The cart stops. PATME and MANAKIN are taken down, dragged to posts, and chained to them. MANAKIN is in the center. PATME has had a lot of experience being chained up - if you know what I mean - and she pulls a wire from her clothing and places it in her mouth.

    Ob-Ewan: I was beginning to wonder if you had gotten my message.

    Manakin: I retransmitted it just as you requested, Master. Then we had some hot, wild sex. Then we decided to come and rescue you.

    Ob-Ewan: Good job!

    Manakin: (beaming obliviously) Thanks! It’s always nice to get a compliment from you, Master - you could do it more often, you know.


    Ob-Ewan: Looks like someone’s sarcasm detector is broken.

    Manakin: Whose?


    Their arms are pulled above their heads, and the cart drives away. There is another ROAR as the T-REX escapes from the ILM computer and devours the cart and its driver in one bite. TROGGLE THE LITTLE, COUNT DOODU, NEWT RAYGUN, THE FETTS, and EMPEROR COMMODUS arrive in the archducal box and take their places.

    TROGGLE: Let the executions begin!

    The crowd goes wild. Among the crowd are some GIRLS. When the GIRLS go wild SNOOP DOGG appears with a VIDEO CREW to film the action.

    From different gates around the arena, THREE MONSTERS are driven in. One is a REEK-A-CHEW (bull-like), one is a TEX-MEXU (lion-like), and one is a WHACKLAY (a kind of dino-lobster).

    Jeff 42: A kind of dino-lobster? What’s a dino-lobster?


    The MONSTERS are accompanied by a number of run-of-the-mill ROMAN LIONS. All the creatures are driven in by PEEKADORS carrying long spears and riding ORRAY-MI-FA-SOL-LA-TI-OES. The PEEKADORS poke the MONSTERS toward the center, then retire to the perimeter. Two of the PEEKADORS, fed up with their jobs, instead retire to NUHBOO.

    Manakin: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

    Ob-Ewan: Ha, my d


    The TEX-MEXU springs. PATME leapsfrom the top of the post to land on the T-REX behind MANAKIN. The T-REX runs away, around the arena. The TEX-MEXU bounds after it. The T-REX passes the wounded WHACKLAY and OB-EWAN. OB-EWAN runs and leaps onto the back of the T-REX behind PATME and MANAKIN and starts feeling PATME up. PATME shrugs him off.

    PATME: I’m a one-man loose woman now, Ob-Ewan, so back off.

    In the archducal box, NEWT RAYGUN turns angrily to COUNT DOODU

    NEWT: This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Mango, finish her off!

    DOODU motions for MANGO to stay put. FETT is enjoying the spectacle. Especially PATME.

    DOODU: Patience, Velcro, she will die.

    MANGO: She’s no good to us dead.

    DOODU: Quiet, you!

    Trycycle droids roll to the center of the area where they transform and surround the T-REX and contain the JEDI and PATME.


    MACE WINDY steps into the tunnel leading to the archducal box, strutting like he owns the place.

    Chorus: Who’s the Jedi Master
    that makes all the ladies’ hearts beat faster?
    You’re damn right
    MACE WINDY grins, bobbing his head in time to the music.
    Chorus: Who is the man
    that would risk his neck for Ob-Ewan
    Can ya dig it?
    Who’s the cat that won’t cop out
    when there’s danger all about
    Right on
    You see this cat Mace is a bad mother--
    (Shut your mouth)
    But I’m talkin’ about Mace...

    The music fades out as MACE WINDY enters the archducal box. He strikes a pose of sheer bada**ery, a cocky sneer on his face, as he ignites his brightsabre and holds it to MANGO FETT’s neck. No one (MANGO FETT least of all) seems to notice; all eyes are still on the surrounded heroes on their T-REX. More specifically, all eyes are still on the very scantily clad PATME.

    Mace Windy: Hey, come on guys, would you mind sparing a glance over here? Keeping up an expression this cool-looking isn’t easy, you know.

    COUNT DOODU turns to see MACE WINDY standing behind him. The cocky sneer is once more on MACE WINDY’s face.

    Mace Windy: This party’s over.

    Bubba Fett: Aw, but we still have three kegs of Jawa Juice to finish!

    MACE WINDY signals, and at strategic places around the arena there are sudden flashes of light as about ONE HUNDRED JEDI--

    Rick McCallum: Wait just a ******* minute, we didn’t budget for that many ******* extras!

    --A COUPLE DOZEN OR SO JEDI switch on their brightsabres. The crowd is suddenly silent. COUNT DOODU’s lips curl in slight amusement.

    Count Doodu: Young Bubba here raises a valid point. And besides, you’re impossibly outnumbered.

    Mace Windy: I don’t think so.

    Count Doodu: We’ll see.

    Suddenly MACE WINDY turns to see a whole mess of Super CGIs raising their blaster cannons. He deftly blocks their attacks, then turns and leaps off the balcony toward the CGI floor with tons of CGIs running to and fro when suddenly the floor disappears; he keeps falling. Far off in the distance, white lettering floats toward him:

    A fatal exception OE has occurred at a326t382at7 in file Ep21138.dll. The current application will be terminated.
    ?Press any key to terminate the application
    ?press CTRL+ALT+DELETE to restart the computer

    Mace Windy: ****!

    GL: Damn Windows!

    The system is restored and suddenly all the dozen or so JEDI are in the arena fighting.

    Into the arena pour out super tinker drones and regular tinker drones, six of which have parts of STINKY-O, his TORSO, BOTH LEGS, BOTH ARMS, and HEAD.

    The T-REX bucks MANAKIN, PATME and OB-EWAN off, who fall to the dust. OB-EWAN lands on top of Patme.



    They get up and join in the fray. Some Jedi toss MANAKIN and OB-EWAN some spare brightsabers and MANAKIN frees PATME from her chains. PATME picks up a spare gun.

    MANAKIN and PATME take shelter near an overturned ORRAY-MI-FA-SOL-LA-TI-O cart. PATME fires at the droids and Genesins, who are piling up.

    MANAKIN: You call this a diplomatic solution?

    PATME: Well, how do you think I normally do it?

    MANAKIN: You know, talking.

    PATME: Talking’s for losers.(continues firing)

    MEANWHILE the TINKER DRONE with STINKY-O’S head is killing Jedi left and right.


    A JEDI slices the body in half, and takes his blaster away.

    STINKY-O: Damn!

    MANGO FETT rockets down to join in the fight. He kills several LIONS and puts one into the TEX-MEXU and the T-REX. Then MACE WINDY cuts off his head.

    OB-EWAN finally kills the WHACKLAY by chopping off it’s legs and stabbing it to death. The GENESINS take it inside to boil it and eat it. It will go good with cocktail sauce. Mmmm....lobster.

    Up in the stands, Bubba Fett hurls a can of Jawa Juice at a Jedi’s head. The Jedi keels over and dies.

    Mace Windy and Ob-Ewan McNobi fight back to back, brightsabers flashing.

    OB-EWAN(to WINDY): Now let’s see some of that CLONE WARS DANTOOINE action!

    WINDY suddenly opens a big can of whupa** on the surrounding tinker drones and super tinker drones. He uses the Force to rip them to shreds and knock them around, and jumps and spins high in the air. He lands next to a super tinker drone and super-punches it to death.


    All the other Jedi stop fighting and watch Windy continue to kick major CGI a**. But since we have to have a plot, soon most of the Jedi are dead and the remaining Jedi and Patme are surrounded by a ring of tinker drones.

    The tinker drones stop firing.

    COUNT DOODU: You have fought galliantly, Master Windy.....wha?

    Down below study3600 keeps hacking and slashing away at the droids with his ebony brightsaber

    DOODU: (CONT’D) *Ahem* (study gets back into place and grins sheepishly) -worthy of mention in the Jedi Council Fan Fiction Archives. Now this thread is almost finished. Surrender and your lives will be spared.

    WINDY: You ***********! We won’t play your game, *****!

    DOODU: Then I’m sorry my old friend-What?!

    Suddenly the soundtrack switches to “Everybody Dance Now” and SIX GUNSHIPS suddenly descend with CLONETROOPERS, dancin’ to the music.. Several are juggling bowling pins and one is riding a Unicycle juggling colored balls and balancing a bowling pin on the tip of his nose.

    YOGA: Around the survivors, a perimeter create!


    They all start running away

    The JEDI, seeing their only other option is to face the TINKER DRONES, dash to the Gunships, trying to avoid the CLOWN TROOPERS as much as possible. The CLONES, having made their big entrance, start blasting the TINKER DRONES to Hell.

    ARTOO has found all the downed TINKER DRONES with parts of STINKY-O and comes to the one with his head. He shoots a projectile from his body and yanks STINKY-O’S head off.


    ARTOO drags STINKY-O’s head near the rest of his body, which he has welded together.

    STINKY-O: This is such a drag. I’m quite beside myself. Take my wife....please!

    ARTOO starts welding his head on

    STINKY-O: You’re singing my circuits! Oh, idiot! It’s a nightmare! Is my head on str-

    ARTOO: Shut the hell up or I’ll leave you out here without a head!

    MEANWHILE, BUBBA FETT has picked up his father’s head, and is crying. BUBBA lowers his own head in sorrow.

    Then he sees ARTOO welding on STINKY-O’s head

    BUBBA: Hey! Astro-pop! Little help here!

    ARTOO: Sorry, kid, I don’t do human necks; the connections are wayyy more complicated, plus humans die instantly after they’re beheaded. I’m afraid you’re SOL.

    BUBBA: Damn. Thanks, anyway.


    The massed lines of parked Big bad Federation Starships and the TINKER DRONES surrounding the arena, are themselves surrounded by thousands of Republic Starships(I’d sure like to see THIS represented in the movie!), disgorging (EEEEEEWWWWWW!) TENS OF THOUSANDS OF CLONE TROOPERS (I only saw hundreds. Hmmm...) Beyond, more Republic Starships are landing and spewing out(YUK!) troops. The Republic Gunships circle towering stalactites, er, stalagmites....or are they stalactites? -as they head toward the assembly point. GENESINS fire laser cannons up at the Gunships.


    DOODU, TROGGLE, NEWT and RUNE enter a huge command center. In the center of the room is a huge map table, with figures representing the droid and clone armies. TROGGLE takes a stick and moves back the droid army, advancing the clones. In the background Morse code and the sounds of GENESINS muttering in Japanese can be heard. The Morse code suddenly stops. The GENESINS look frustrated.

    TROGGLE: All our communications have been jammed!

    NEWT: The Jedi have amassed a huge army.

    DOOKU: That doesn’t seem possible. How did the Jedi come up with an army so quickly?

    NEWT: We must send all available tinker drones and assorted vehicles that kids will want to have as toys into battle.


    Ground fire and explosions rock the Gunship. PATME, MANAKIN, and OB-EWAN steady themselves.

    OB-EWAN: Hold on to your knickers, guys!

    Boy that was a short scene


    COUNT DOODU, TROGGLE THE LITTLE, NEWT RAYGUN and RUIN HAAKO are playing RISK using the map table, clones and droids, dice and a special set of cards.

    DOOKU has every region if the arena, the plains outside, and is getting 20 more armies to strategically place wherever he wants. The other players are about to be wiped out

    NEWT: This is not looking good at all.

    Suddenly, the Morse Code starts back up and TROGGLE gets up to look at the reports.

    TROGGLE: Order a retreat. I am sending all my warriors deep into the catacombs to hide.

    RUIN: (Sounding like Freddy Krueger) We must get the cores of our ships back into space.

    Everyone looks at Ruin

    NEWT: What happened to your voice?

    RUIN: Throat condition.

    DOODU: I’m going to Doruscant. My master will not let the Republic get away with this treachery.

    TROGGLE crosses to a holographic schematic of the DEADLY STAR and downloads it into a cartridge. He gives it to COUNT DOODU.

    TROGGLE: The Jedi must not find our designs for the ultimate weapon. If they have any idea what we’re planning to build, we are doomed.

    EU FANS: What?! We thought that KUMQUAT DRIVE YARDS designed the DEADLY STAR.

    DOODU: Well, later in canon it will be established that both The Genesins and Kumquat Drive Yards were responsible, so shut it. (TO TROGGLE:) I will take the designs for the ultimate weapon with me. They will be much safer with my master.


    MACE WINDY stares at the incredible sight.

    Mace Windy: That’s incredible.

    Clone Captain: Yes, sir.

    Mace Windy: I’ve never seen anything like it.

    Clone Captain: Yes, sir.

    Mace Windy: Now land at that assembly area.

    Clone Captain: Yes, sir.

    Mace Windy: But really, that’s such a very incredible sight.

    The incredible sight is, in fact, a horde of dancing CLONE TROOPERS simultaneously firing their blasters and doing the pointy finger pose toward the TINKER DRONE armies. The Gunship lands, and several JEDI, along with more of the movin’, shakin’, droid-blasting CLONE TROOPERS, disembark.

    Why are the CLONE TROOPERS acting like this, you might wonder? Well, they’re clones of MANGO FETT, and he always was a bit of a clown himself).

    (Celebrate Good Times, C’mon!)

    AAYLA-LA SECURITY, leading a contingent of troops, decides that she wants in on the fun and begins dancing too. FANBOYS burst into applause.

    George Lucas: Note to self: give Aayla-la an expanded role in the next episode.


    MANAKIN:Aim above those fuel cells!

    The clone trooper fires some rockets at the spot above the fuel cells. There is an explosion but nothing major happens. OB-EWAN gives MANAKIN a sideways glance.

    OB-EWAN: Bad call, young Paddleone. That didn’t accomplish anything. Once again you’ve proven that your inept-

    A deafening explosion as thousands of tinker drones spontaneously combust as a result of MANAKIN’S actions.

    OB-EWAN: (CONT’D) Damn, you’re good!


    DOODU gets on his speeder bike and nothing happens.

    BUG GUARD: Sheeble Deeble Doo.

    DOODU: Oh, of course!

    He turns the ignition. The speeder takes off.

    MANAKIN, OB-EWAN, a CLONE TROOPER and PATME are playing poker.

    PATME: What a smooth ride!

    TROOPER: I see your 50 and I raise you 100.

    OB-EWAN: Do you think he’s bluffing, Manakin?

    MANAKIN: I can’t tell. He’s wearing a helmet over his face.

    Suddenly, the game is interrupted as the ship is blasted by laserfire and DOODU zooms by on his bike. Cards fly everywhere.

    MANAKIN: He’s gonna pay for that! Shoot him down!

    TROOPER #543544: We’re out of quarters, sir. GAME OVER.

    MANAKIN: Nuts! Ob-Ewan, got any change?

    OB-EWAN: All my quarters fell overboard.

    MANAKIN: Follow him!


    All h-e-double-toothpicks has broke loose. The Jedi and Clone Troopers have started a huge disco party. Eveyone’s dancin’ the night-er, day away with those party-lovin clone troops as they hack, slash and blast away those tinker drones.

    Burn, Baby Burn
    Disco Inferno...

    Explosions rock the planet and the DJ rocks the house.

    GL: No! Oh, my poor, poor movie...


    YOGA: To the forward command center take me. and bring me a bottle of Surge! whoo-ha!


    DOODU signals the two fighters flanking his ship. They veer off left and right, loop around, and come up behind our heroes’ Gunship. To avoid the BEEQUEEN fire, the Gunship banks up a steep dune but is still hit. The ship lurches on its side, and PATME and a CLONE OFFICER tumble out.

    MANAKIN: PATME! Put the ship down!

    OB-EWAN: Manakin, don’t let our personal feelings get in the way! We have a job to do! (To pilot) Follow that speeder!

    PILOT: (thinking) Oh no! Conflicting orders! Crap, what do I do?

    MANAKIN: Lower the ship!

    The ship begins to lower, while at the same time following DOODU.

    MANAKIN: Put the ship down!

    OB-EWAN: You will be expelled from the Jedi Order! We can end this war right now! I need you! Follow that speeder!

    MANAKIN: Land!

    OB-EWAN: Follow!

    MANAKIN: Land!

    OB-EWAN: Follow!

    PILOT:AAAAGH!(jumps out.)

    Quickly OB-EWAN takes the controls.

    OB-EWAN: What do you think Patme would do were she in your position?

    MANAKIN: Rescue me.

    OB-EWAN: Oooh you’re stubborn!


    The Gunship lands at the Command Center. Yoga disembarks, eating a jelly donut and guzzling a 2-litre of Surge.

    CLONE COMMANDER: Master Yoga, all forward positions of the dance party are advancing.

    YOGA: Very good. Very good. Ahhh, bring me a ship.


    The two clone troops who fell out of the gunship approach Patme, who is still in her bra and panties., lying on her back.

    CLONE #1: Are you all right?

    PATME: I think so.

    CLONE #2: We better get you back to the Forward Command Center.

    PATME: No, no. Gather up what troops you can. We’ve got to get to that hangar (Note: never mind how in the galaxy she knows about the hangar.) Get a transport.....but first...Is it true you boys take
    any command without question? (She smiles suggestively)

    CLONES: (in unison) happy to oblige, ma’am!


    MANAKIN and OB-EWAN watch as DOODU parks his speeder. OB-EWAN parks the gunship near the speeder and OB-EWAN AND MANAKIN leap down and run into the hangar, brightsabres ignited, just as the BEEQUEENS shoot down the gunship.

    MANAKIN: You’re going to pay for all the Jawa Juice you and your flunkies consumed today, Doodu.

    OB-EWAN: (TO MANAKIN) We’ll take him together. You move on the-

    MANAKIN: I’m taking him NOW!

    He runs forward recklessly, brightsabre swinging.

    OB-EWAN: Typical.

    DOODU: (extending a hand)May the best man win. Put’er there.

    MANAKIN: mean it? You want to shake?

    DOODU: I’ve never been more serious in my life.

    They shake, and suddenly a thousand volts run down through MANAKIN’s body and he is thrown back against the far wall.

    DOODU: You Jedi get more gullible each year. As you can see, my Jedi powers are far beyond yours.

    OB-EWAN: You mean Sith powers?

    DOODU: Oh, yeah, of course. Silly me. Now..back down.

    He shoots lightning at OB-EWAN, who blocks it with his saber.

    OB-EWAN: I don’t think so.

    DOODU: Hey, NO FAIR! You can’t do that! What’s the point of Sith lightning if it doesn’t work against Jedi?

    OB-EWAN: Let’s fight like men...with swords.

    DOODU: I’m lucky I took my arthritis pills earlier. It’s been acting up lately. Ah, but if I must, ah, but I’m too old to fight you alone, so I have a helper. Darth Bludgeon, please step forward.

    Out of the shadows comes DARTH BLUDGEON, all sewn up and stitched together, wearing a skull and crossbones T-shirt and carrying a boombox on his shoulder. He sets it down and ignites his sabre. He sticks his tounge out.

    BLUDGEON: Nah-nah -nah -boo-boo! Suckers! Jerks! Buffoons' We are the Sith! We are revealing ourselves to the Jedi. Who’s first?

    MANAKIN: I’m taking them now!

    OB-EWAN: No, wait, MANAKIN! Remember what just-

    MANAKIN charges across the open space at DARTH BLUDGEON, who smiles smugly, watching him come. MANAKIN raises his brightsabre. At the last moment, Darth Bludgeon sidesteps and puts out his leg, which MANAKIN stumbles over and flops flat on his face.

    BLUDGEON: Have a nice trip! See ya next fall! Aha ha ha!

    BLUDGEON then kicks MANAKIN in the side, then MANAKIN grabs his leg and pulls him to the floor and they wrestle around for a good two minutes, throwing punches and biting each other. Meanwhile, OB-EWAN is already fighting DOODU and the fight is furious. Suddenly a loud clang is heard, like the bell in a clocktower.

    DOODU: Tea time!

    OB-EWAN pulls up a table and two chairs and they sit down for a nice spot of tea.

    OB-EWAN: One lump or two?

    Meanwhile BLUDGEON and MANAKIN continue to wrestle and fight. They nearly overturn the tea table and DOODU rolls his eyes.

    DOODU: (Holding teacup with pinkie extended) Such idiocy. Bludgeon never was that bright.

    OB-EWAN: (Doing the same) Manakin’s worse. A good fighter, but a little lacking in the brains department. You know I bet if-

    Suddenly Bludgeon comes crashing down onto the tea table, spilling tea all over the place, including the Jedi and two Sith.

    DOODU: Okay, back to fighting.

    OB-EWAN comes in fast, swinging at COUNT DOODU’s head. DOODU parries the cut easily. As they fight it quickly becomes clear that DOODU is the complete swordsman- elegant, graceful, classical and a bit evil.

    DOODU: Master McNobi, you disappoint me. Yoga holds you in such high esteem.

    DOODU parries another cut and then thrusts. OB-EWAN turns his head toward MANAKIN and BLUDGEON who are now fighting with their sabers.

    OB-EWAN: Need any help?

    MANAKIN: I can handle this!

    DOODU: Come, come, Master McNobi, put me out of my misery.

    OB-EWAN: that line’s only in the script.

    DOODU: But I like it!

    OB-EWAN: Hey Manakin, tag me!

    Manakin tags him.

    MANAKIN and OB-EWAN switch dueling partners, so that MANAKIN is fighting DOODU and BLUDGEON is fighting OB-EWAN. OB-EWAN and BLUDGEON stare each other down.

    OB-EWAN: Now let’s finish what we started on NuhBOO!

    Bludgeon charges. OB-EWAN sidesteps and puts his foot out, which BLUDGEON trips over, and falls on his frontside with a thud.

    OB-EWAN: Have a nice trip. See you next fall. Aha ha. Ha.

    Meanwhile DOODU cuts off Manakin’s arm and uses Dark Force lightning to send him careening into a wall.

    OB-EWAN force-grabs MANAKIN’s brightsabr eand begins to fight BLUDGEON(who has gotten up) and DOODU at the same time.

    OB-EWAN: As you can see, my dear Doodu, Yoga was right to hold me in esteem!

    The three fight with fastness and furiousness, the likes have never been seen in a Star Wars movie, not even in Revenge of the Sith. OB-EWAN opens a can of whoopa** on the two Sith while spewing out one liner after one liner.

    Meanwhile MANAKIN groans, wishing he had been the one to wield two sabers.

    Suddenly through the thick smoke emerges the heroic figure of YOGA. He stops on the smoke-filled threshold

    Silence. Count Doodu steps away from OB-EWAN to face the JEDI GRAND MASTER.

    DOODU: Master Yoga.

    YOGA: Count Doodu.

    COUNT DOODU hurls objects at YOGA which all completely miss him. Then DOODU brings down boulders which also miss YOGA.

    YOGA: Much to learn you still have. The Dark side I sense in you.

    COUNT DOODU: I have become more powerful than any Jedi. Even you, my old Master.

    DOODU hurls force lightning at YOGA but he just absorbs it, visibly yawning and scratching his backside.

    DOODU: It is obvious this contest will not be decided by our knowledge of the Force, but by our skills with a brightsaber.

    While OB-EWAN and BLUDGEON watch, YOGA AND DOODU go at it, YOGA flipping over and looping continually, his saber only occasionally striking DOODU’s, and then only by accident. DOODU yawns and drinks a cup of water.

    YOGA: Fought well you have, my old Paddleone.

    DOODU: This is just the beginning. The battle is far from over.

    YOGA: Check your script you must. We don’t fight anymore.

    DOODU: Oh, right.

    He brings down a massive cylinder on top of YOGA.

    YOGA: Get this thing off me!


    Just then PATME arrives with some CLOWN TROOPERS. PATME takes some potshots at the SAIL SHIP, but in vain. Then she sees YOGA trapped under the cylinder, and uses the Force to lift it off of him.

    YOGA: You can use the Force?!

    PATME: It’s called the White, okay?

    MANAKIN: What about ME? I’m over here very badly hurt with one arm, M’Lady!

    PATME: Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe.

    OB-EWAN: Did Mani-Wani lose an armie warmie?

    MANAKIN: I HATE you!

    YOGA: Time for that, it is not yet.

    They watch as the solar ship flies away.

    SC 102 EXT. SPACE

    COUNT DOODU’S eye-shaped ship hacks out a disgusting membrane out its front side which unfolds into a SOLAR SAIL, and careens off into OUTER SPACE.


    Doodu is reading a book, eating Caviar and sipping a single drink. as some mini robots trim his facial hair a bit and he listens to Wagner. BLUDGEON has his earbuds in attached to his boombox, banging his head.

    SC 104 EXT. SPACE

    COUNT DOODU’S eye-shaped ship hacks out a disgusting membrane out its front side which unfolds into a SOLAR SAIL, and careens off into OUTER SPACE.


    Doodu’s SHIP lands in a derelict of a building. DOODU and BLUDGEON disembark and walks to a waiting DARTH CHIN.

    CHIN: Welcome home, Lord Tinnitus and Lord Has-been.

    BLUDGEON: Hey!

    CHIN: Quiet, you!

    DOODU: Good news, my Lord. The War has begun.

    CHIN: Excellent. Execute Order 66.

    DOODU: Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves, Master? The Clowns have not gained the trust of the Jedi yet.

    CHIN: Then Order me 66 cheeseburgers I’m starving.

    DOODU: Do you have 66 of EVERYTHING?


    CHIN: Just order the d***ed food NOW!

    DOODU: Yes, my lord. (Activates a holoprojector). 66 cheeseburger surprises STAT.

    CHIN (licks his chops): Everything is proceeding as Jab Jab Rinks has forseen.

    DOODU: Whadda?

    CHIN (Smiles): Once more the Bith will rule the Galaxy!

    DOODU: You mean Sith.


    CHIN: Correct me again and I’ll mop the floor with you.

    DOODU: Ouch! Sorry master!



    OB-EWAN: Do you belive what Doodu said about Chin controlling the Senate.

    YOGA: Joined the dark side Doodu has. Lies, deceit, creating mistrust are his ways now.

    WINDY: I do not believe the Sith could have returned without our knowing about it.

    OB-EWAN: Wait, what? That was your big line in Epidsode I. Now it is known the Sith have returned.

    WINDY: We must discover the identity of this Dark Warrior.

    YOGA: More importantly, find out who he is working for.

    OB-EWAN: Do you guys not hear yourselves? Now you’re rehashing lines from TPM and this movie's earlier scenes!!

    YOGA: It seems that lost a planet Master Ob-Ewan has.

    MACE: He’s lost more than that.

    MACE and YOGA laugh at OB-EWAN’s expense.

    OB-EWAN: What the h*** is so funny? You know it’s a good thing we had all those clones
    or we wouldn’t have been victorious over all those blasted tinker drones.

    YOGA: Victory? (Guffaws) Most of the Jedi will be dead in four years now and you call THAT victory? G** I need some Wild Cherry Pupsi and my sage pipe right about now.

    MACE: Whadda?

    YOGA: I forsee that Manakin will not be able to breathe without a giant black suit soon.

    OB-EWAN: So you don’t approve of this Clown War?

    YOGA: I’m d*** opposed. D*** d*** opposed.

    MACE: Nevertheless, I feel we should keep a closer eye on the Senate.

    YOGA: Puh-leeze? Who controls the senate? The CAMEO! Who got voted emergency powers? The CAMEO! It’s a No-brainer people! Let’s watch the CAMEO!

    MACE: I agree.

    YOGA: Ob-Ewan, where is your apprentice?

    OB-EWAN: On his honeymoon with Patme Armaggeddonallallaa. They’ll be back in two weeks. For some reason she took five elite Arc troopers with her. She has no need of them really. It’s strange.


    CHANCELLOR PALPITATINE, BAILY SMITS and OTHERS watch from a balcony as hundreds of thousands of Clown Troops load into Imperial Star Destroyers-er Republic Ships. Baily Smits secretly gives Palpitatine Bunny Ears behind his head and sticks out his tongue and makes a funny face and thumbs his nose with his other hand.


    Queen Jamtart knocks upon a bedroom door.

    JAMTART: Are you decent in there, Senator?

    The door comes open ajar and Patme is draped in bedsheets she is holding around herself.

    PATME: My Queen, when the Senator’s bedchambers are a’rockin, don’t come a-knockin’!



    As the song ‘When the House is A Rockin, Don’t Come A-Knockin’, plays the following credits roll:

    Written by:

    Opie Wan Cannoli
    Darth Vacuous
    Jeff 42
    Geoff Morton
    Peter Tutham 27
    Jade Solo
    Jedi Master Greg

    Best Boys:

    George Lucas
    Dave Filoni
    John Favraeu
    Ahsoka Tano
    Luke Skywalker

    Key Grips:

    General Grievous
    Jar Jar Binks
    Dot Matrix

    Compiled and edited by Brent Lee Sohlden “study3600” Koivopolo V

    Coming soon: The Complete I-IX Humerous Versions. Written by the Jedi Council and some possibly exclusively on a different fanfic site than this one if I can get that site off the ground. Don’t worry I’m keeping most everything as is, keeping 99.999 percent of all jokes and ideas contributed. Main changes will be like what Purp or D Vac did with his TPM HV SE on Geocities, streamlining for continuity and eliminating redundancy and comments and putting the whole puzzle together and adding more jokes and scenes. I do not claim this work as my own. It belongs to all of us as we all contributed. No one made any money off it. It will be free and in the public domain for all to read. This ending was a long time coming and i procrastinated finishing it for years. Now it or this Episode of it is done to be compiled at my home and published to the world as your work, your labor of love on the internet for all. Now we can move on, finish III VII, VI, do VIII and IX and even other Humorous Versions of things like Halo and Star Trek films. The sky’s the limit. I will not advertise my fanfiction site on this site unless i have permission from the admins to do so. Once I gather the little there is of VII I will work on it, one post to revive it, and gather Episode III HV and go on from there. And btw, the 4 year olds were not smoking pot at all. It was not a mind altering drug, but harmless sage. I am also pub;lishing these on as the work of the Jedi Council and of my fanfic boards, as Purp once did on Geocities with TPM HV for the world to see. God bless and may the Force be with you always and for evah!!!!!! Ciou!



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