Beyond - Legends Saga - ST Bare (~35 ABY | Luke & more | Both continuities | Mix of genres)

Title: Bare
Author: Ewok Poet
Canonicity: Porque no los dos?
Genre: EXTREMELY SERIOUS DRAMATIC FICTION!11!1!
Characters: Luke Skywalker + some surprise cameos
Timeframe: 35 ABY
Rating: PG-13
Length: Short

Summary: After his exhausting projection from Ahch-To to Crait, Luke Skywalker vanishes into the Force.

A/N: Finally, a story for everybody to enjoy!

[imagine a horizontal rule here]


Sitting on the rock, exhausted from projecting himself on the faraway world where he was not leaving footprints on the bloodlike soil speckled with bitter salts, Luke Skywalker was finally at peace with himself. He was free from desire to turn young Ben back to the light and free from any desire, anything carnal, whatsoever. At this point, no matter how grim the world he lived in had been, it was, at the end of the day, the only world he knew of and in order to leave it behind, he had to forgive and achieve a certain state of mind.

And there it was - serenity at what he was certain were the very last moments of his life. He was going to cut it abruptly, just like almost all Skywalkers before him. But, unlike theirs, his decision was his own.

Was there anything after the ending? No, just like there was nothing before the beginning, he thought, every single particle of his essence shattering in the Force, blown away like dust in the wind.

At that point, he was nothing but stardust. Golden.

Then...

...he had to scratch, for the salt of Crait was suddenly causing a burning sensation on his feet and elsewhere, where the twin suns no longer shone. He was dropped in tall grass and there was pain, so Yoda must have lied to him, again. Now, was there anything new?

Apparently.

"W-where is my cloak?" He thought to himself, but then he realised that one of the Lanai, the judgemental fish nuns of Ahch-To, had probably taken it already. Blasted winds.

However, this was not the only problem he became aware of.

"WHERE ARE MY PANTS?"

Then he realised that he wore a giant smiley face over his personal Netherworld. Ohwell, at least it was not a Nethervoid. Angels of the moons of Iego, commonly known as Diathim, they probably had wings in that very place.

"Hello, Master Skywalker." Another man, with brown hair in a ponytail and, to put it frankly, a much nicer beard than his own and very, very handsome, stumbled to the grass towards him. He too wore a smiley face, albeit one with glareshades. "I'm a big fan of yours. And I too hate salt, it gets everywhere."

He must have been living under the rock. Who was that?

"You might wonder how come that I know you. Your father told me about you, so did Obi-Wan Kenobi, whom…"

“Please, don’t tell me that my father is wearing a smiley face, too.” Luke was concerned at this point.

“No.” the bearded man was quick to reassure him. “He didn’t want to come here. As a matter of a fact, I didn’t, either. Luckily, the inhabitants of this hive of scum and villainy cannot see me here. I’m a ghost! But sadly, I can see you and I have only the Force to thank that I cannot see all of you.”

“So, where are we, anyway?”

The mysterious man led Luke to a cliff. A meadow broke into them, one full of dancing humanoids with colourful skin and hair were dancing before them, to the sound of jizz-wailers of the past, present and future.

The hero of the Rebellion and the man who brought the balance to the Force was surprised, once again.

“Who or what are these people of the rainbows and are we on Rainboh?”

"They're a Falleen/Zeltron hybrid species - Faltrons - and this is their sanctuary! The planet of Debauchia, where they can be who they really are, without the society’s shackles and stereotypes put upon them."

"So, they’re not as flamboyant and insatiable and this is not one of their notorious orgies? They have the chance to redeem themselves in the Netherw…”

The man shook his head. "I'm afraid that it is. They're getting dressed, which turns them on. It really, really, really turns them on!"

"All right, just tell me that another thing that turns them on is not doing anything with each other."

"Well, yes. That’s what they are into, on the other side of life, here in eternity.”

Luke swallowed a lump, aware that such a thing was not the way of the Jedi. “So, is this why are we only wearing smiley faces? Are we going to freeze, like the bums we are? What are they going to do to us?”

“Perform a horizontal pole dancing tribal ritual, complete with dressing up to the point where we’re wearing atmosphere suits.”

“Forever?”

“Yeah, forever.”

Luke was now yelling as if his afterlife depended on it. The hybrid freaks of nature noticed him and the bearded man, whom he never got to know, whose name he was not aware of, and ran after them.

He closed his eyes. When he opened them, he was sleeping on Mara’s beloved spaceship, Jade Shadow. She was wearing a Brave Little Banthas tesh-tunic, which looked so awkwardly adorable in combinations with her messy bed-head.

"You're screaming like a wokling, Farmboy!" she said.

"Where is Ben?"

"Ben is sleeping in the cabin next to ours."

“Why?”

“Err, because he’s old enough to have a space of his own…?! And why are Han's dice wrapped around your index finger? He doesn’t like it when people take his things without prior permission. Plus, you know what they say about those lucky in cards?"

“Isn’t Ben with Han and Leia and too old to…?”

“Look, Luke, I have no idea what you’re on about, but you could use a caf. Not a hoth chocolate, but the strongest caf there is. I’m going to prepare some and you...make sure that you’ve found your clothes. Corran is waiting for us on Ossus, because…”

"Corran who?"

"Corran Horn! And Valin and Jysella! I was told that I needed to mention him in this story, for the sake of an experiment."

“What story? Mara, don’t leave me like this, please!”

Luke was puzzled. He didn't understand anything at this point, but the only thing that mattered was for him to find his blue grav-ball short. The space was cold.

[imagine a horizontal rule here]

Footnotes

Spoiler

Yes, the handsome man is Kanan Jarrus. Please, don't kill me. I never had him in a story and I had to start somewhere. Anywhere!

Poor Mara, Luke's definitely been using some cool spice. O_O

As far as the inspiration for the story goes, I used this...

 

EP ... this is just ... there are no words.

And I mean that in the best possible way.

 

So we have Briannakin to thank for inspiring this incredible hilarity?! Fantabulously unique!

 

Words cannot described the headsplode-ness... Wow, that's...that's quite a unique view of the afterlife there...though i /have to wonder

Spoiler

what Luke and Kanan did to deserve it. I mean, they were definitely on the Light Side, and the circumstances of their deaths were more than noble. Being subjected to that for all eternity? Not sure even the Sheevy One himself deserved that! Okay, maybe he does

At least Luke gets to wake and find It Was All a Dream, even if he does have to play the Sky-Solo version of Who's on First with Mara (love her tesh-tunic!). Yes, please, Luke find those shorts! You got more fanfic to star in...

Another crack-tastic story

 

A fun read; now was it all a dream or did the Lukes switch places? That might make a fun fan fic.