Betrayal (Obi/Qui angst - very AU) Updated Sept 20, 2011 - Complete

Healer_Leona - welcome!!
Yes, fics are always wonderful if Qui-Gon survives...LOL. I just couldn't let him be killed so I figured the next best thing would be to get him away from the Temple.

I always thought that the Sith were subtle and patient (it took them a 1000 years to show up after the last Sith war)- therefore how better to get rid of your enemies than to have them destroy themselves through duty and submission to the will of the Senate. Of course, the Senate would be easy to manipulate (just look at TPM and AOTC) and governments are always looking for ways to cut expenses. Otherwise, they'd have to tax the trade routes...A hundred years to get the Jedi into a situation that they could not escape would have been amusing to the Sith, if nothing else.

I did try to make the Sith as creepy as I could. Glad I succeeded.

Yes, you will find out about what happened to the Council and the dismissed Jedi in future posts. However, I must say one thing about Yoda. People are always asking me why he isn't in my fics.....Everyone has at least one character in the SW universe that they don't like. I really hate Yoda - meddling old troll. I disliked him in TESB, manipulating Luke like that, disliked him even more in ROTJ when he almost didn't tell Luke about his father. But the full-blown annoyance/dislike occured in TPM in those awful Council scenes....Wow, I went on a tirade there...Sorry. Didn't mean to get carried away like that!!! Anyway, you will find out more about the Council and the rest of the former Jedi in upcoming posts....of course, you may not like the answer!!

I agree that Atel didn't really deserve Obi-Wan yelling at her the first time. My only excuse was that he was exhausted, felt extremely guilty about not contacting Qui-Gon after all these years and she bore the brunt of it. He did feel badly about it afterwards....

Yes, the Room of a Thousand fountains was a major player in Obi-Wan's life...so, of course I had to get rid of it, all the while reminding him of hated Bandomeer.

The question about why they are lying about Qui-Gon's past history is really going to be a minor question - especially when you see what the major questions are...but it will be answered...probably in chapter 15 or so (near the end of the fic).

Atel has a very different view of the Jedi and the Republic from Obi-Wan's...a result of her upbringing. You'll see more of this later.

The reunion of Qui and Obi was fabulous!!!! - oh...fabulous. I like that. I always thought that Qui-Gon would have a family if he were not a Jedi. He was wonderful with little Anakin and very gentle with Shmi so I thought he would be a great family man.

As for Anakin, as I told JaneJinn, I tend to treat Anakin more sympathetically than most in my fics. He still will be Anakin in his personality traits but since his upbringing will be different than AOTC, he should be less likely to turn.

Ah..yes...Ben. You noticed!!! Yes, Ben is actually named for Obi-Wan. But Le'orath would have none of it, claiming that she would not name her son for someone who has ignored Qui-Gon for so long. In the end, Ben's name was a compromise. Good call!!

I'll be posting on Monday. I've got to sit down and seriously write more (I'm working on Chapter 13 now) or you all will catch up before I'm finished and then you'll be waiting for weeks on end for the next post. I'm sure you don't want that!!!

Welcome Leona!!

 

Healer_Leona - You weren't the only one that thought But was a spoof. I think that because the idea of Qui-Gon getting laid off was just so ludicrous...I mean why would anyone lay off a Jedi Knight, especially one of his calibre. So, to a few, it just seemed funny and rightly so.

It's actually based on real life. I wrote that right after I got laid off and before they offered me another job with my company. Like Qui-Gon, I had been there most of my life and then they just threw me and a lot of others away. In a number of cases, they sent guards to stand over the people as they packed up to leave - never got to say goodbye to anyone - just gone in a matter of an hour or so. Pretty harsh, I thought, which is why I put all of those emotions and actions into But.

As for Qui-Gon, I always wanted the best for him. With a family and his involvement in....some things, he is a true Jedi (whatever his current ... affiliation).

 

Okay here's the beginnings of Chapter 6 and the reception gets chilly....

Chapter 6 - Connections and separations

Qui-Gon knelt beside his son, rubbing his back, trying to allay his fears. "Ben, it's all right, it's all right. Obi-Wan is here to visit, nothing more." He shot a sharp questioning glance at Kenobi as though to ask if that were true, but Obi-Wan pointedly avoided the blue eyes, staring at the lovely carpet and Qui-Gon looked again at his son.

Drawing back from his mother's embrace, Ben leapt into his father's arms, crying softly, hiccuping a bit and held on fast, his tiny fists grabbing the long graying hair. Qui-Gon made quiet comforting noises and stood up, still enfolding his son in his arms, gently rocking.

Kenobi was about to say something to ease the child's fears, now flowing palpably through the Force when Atel's frenzied thoughts invaded his own. /*Be wary, Master. Anakin's just ahead of me.*/ And a young man catapulted through the front door, took one look at Obi-Wan and moved to stand over him, posture clearly threatening. Atel was only a second behind him, catching the door on the backswing. She moved in, ready to defend her Master.

The youth glared at Obi-Wan for a moment and then turned to Qui-Gon. His concern was palpable. "Are you okay? Has he hurt you?" Frowning, he glanced at the clinging child. "Why is Ben crying?"

Throwing a quelling glance at Anakin, Jinn's eyes clearly indicated that Skywalker's menacing attitude was inappropriate. "I'm fine. Ben had a little scare but he will be better soon...right Ben?" The child nodded into his father's shoulder, his quiet sighs hitching as he began to calm.

Anakin relaxed a fraction and moved to stand next to Qui-Gon. Unsure of the situation, he settled into ready stance, continuing to scowl at Kenobi. His young face was a shifting map of troubling thoughts; confusion about the sudden appearance of this Jedi Knight, disdain for the apparent coincidence, distrust that, with so many former Jedi dead, Qui-Gon might well be the next target. His glare morphed into an entrenched frown, mouth set and grim. Hovering near his Master, Anakin's entire posture was clearly to guard Qui-Gon Jinn at all costs, with his life if necessary.

Looking at both men standing over him and reading Anakin's glowering presence as one of potential threat, Kenobi realized that he was somewhat trapped by the couch and low table before him. Smiling to relieve the tension, Obi-Wan nodded and stood up, moving discreetly to stand next to his apprentice.

Qui-Gon spoke first. "I believe that introductions are in order." Gesturing towards the Jedi, he nodded. "Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi." Qui-Gon's eyes flicked from one to the other, a brief grin lighting his face. "He's my former Padawan, now a Jedi Knight and, by the looks of it, soon to be Master Kenobi."

Qui-Gon placed a large hand on Anakin's shoulder, squeezing slightly. The young man calmed and sent him back a grateful smile. "Anakin is my apprentice."

"Apprentice?!" Obi-Wan was startled by that statement, eyes raking the two. This unexpected news was troubling.

Jinn frowned somewhat, then his face cleared as he looked again at Anakin. "Yes, he is learning the trade."

Atel had stood there quietly as the conversation flowed around her, looking at Anakin, a scowl flitting across her face. His name was familiar, so familiar; she had read it or heard it somewhere recently. And then the memory snapped into place. "You're Anakin Skywalker....the Hero of Naboo?" The young man nodded, flustered. "But that would mean that you were very young at the Battle of Theed."

He glowered at her, exasperated. "I was nine years old. What about it?"

She pressed on, turning toward him. "I read in the histories that you made the shot that brought down the Trade Federation vessel. Impressive shooting for someone so young or... was it luck? "

Skywalker took a step forward, space narrowing between them. "It's none of your damn business, Jedi." His eyes gleamed

 

Another fantastic post! But Anakin is beyond nauseating. He snaps at Atel and Obi-Wan over nothing.

And Qui-Gon should trust his wife's instincts. Obi's intentions can only be of the light...although the same definitely cannot be said of Bratakin.

Great job, diane.

 

It's actually based on real life. I wrote that right after I got laid off and before they offered me another job with my company. Like Qui-Gon, I had been there most of my life and then they just threw me and a lot of others away. In a number of cases, they sent guards to stand over the people as they packed up to leave - never got to say goodbye to anyone - just gone in a matter of an hour or so. Pretty harsh, I thought ...

That is really harsh! Guards? Not letting people say good-bye? *stares aghast at the page* Where on earth did you work -- or is it a government secret?

I'll bet Obi-Wan got a bit of a shock when he heard that Anakin was Qui-Gon's apprentice. Of course he'd be thinking padawan -- and Qui-Gon's next words, about "the trade" could be taken two different ways; either as a farming apprentice, or ... learning the ways of the Force?

Loved the way Anakin glowered at Atel and snidely told her there is no such thing as luck. Yes, the Force is strong with this one.

I also liked the way Atel gave Obi-Wan an annoyed look when he sent her off to help in the kitchen. Hope there are no "accidents" between her and Anakin and any knives or other sharp kitchen implements. They do act like they're at each other's throats. Of course, Le'orath seems like she's strong enough to keep them both in check.

Parents are refusing to give their children to the Jedi? They say they're not trustworthy? Well, good heavens, I wonder why! No doubt Jedi who have been dismissed will be coming home to their relatives and telling them about what's going on! I can't believe that Obi-Wan would actually ask Qui-Gon for his son -- but I guess he still believes in the Jedi Order, or at least enough to think it's the best place for a Force-sensitive child. Qui-Gon is quite right to refuse, though!

I'm worried about this rumour that Obi-Wan is telling Qui-Gon, though! That is so Sithly, to make a law that would allow children to be taken without consent! Actually, I don't think it's just a rumour ... there has got to be something behind this, or rather, someone.

Argh, this whole story makes my blood boil and my hands and teeth clench! It's powerful and excellent!

 

LuvEwan- Thanks for the accolade.
Yes, Anakin is snapping at Obi-Wan for apparently no reason - notice I use the word apprarently. There is more going on here than Obi-Wan knows yet.

As for Obi-Wan's intentions, he is bound to duty even though the Jedi are not what they once were. Being trapped by duty and honor, he still cannot see the whole picture as yet. And he is there to investigate Qui-Gon for possible rogue behavior...

You'll find out more about what has been going on at the Temple in the next post - tomorrow.

Glad you're enjoying it!!

 

JaneJinn - Yes, real life. It can be a ....I work for a large multinational chemical company. The description of what happened with the layoffs is pretty typical of most companies around here. In one instance at my company, the guy wasn't even allowed on site but met by the door by guards and told to come back after hours to pick up his stuff. Like I said, others were escorted out under guard (and I knew these people and guards were NOT called for). The story But where Qui-Gon had to leave his lightsaber and never do the work of a Jedi is based on my contract. That states that if I leave, I cannot work in the same field for 18 months. It's a typical contract in the chemical industry. I swear that corporate America has been taken over by the Sith!!! because they sure do act like it.

They often say that you should write what you know. I did with that one. And now, here we are and I've put a few things in here that have happened at work as well....

Hope that doesn't detract from the story any...

 

JaneJinn And now onto your wonderful comments...

Yes, Anakin is Qui-Gon's apprentice...and I did word it that way for a reason...evil laugh inserted here!

Atel tends to shoot Obi-Wan a lot of annoyed looks. She did not want to go into the kitchen with that brash idiot but rather stay and investigate Qui-Gon. She was probably thinking bad thoughts about her Master for quite a while...LOL.

Giving children to the Jedi is essential for the Jedi to continue in the manner to which they have become accustomed. I would have thought that giving up your child would be difficult when the Jedi were at their peak but now...no way!! I'm sure that Obi-Wan realizes this but he is required to ask.

As for getting listings of children with Force-sensitivity....well now...who would want that? Yes, it's a Sithy thing to do.

Oh,I'm making your blood boil. And I haven't even gotten to the bad parts yet!!!

Thanks, Jane. Glad you are enjoying it so much.

 

Diane,

I read this on the weekend and didn't have a chance to respond then. There were all sorts of things I wanted to comment on, but there were so many, I would be going on forever. In no particular order:

You got to see Liam half naked? God, how I envy you!

Love the protectiveness of Qui's wife. I like that she's a real woman and not some whip thin model type. You're right - he would need a woman who could tell him off when he needed it. You've created such a character - well done.

Scary thought, a database of Force sensitive children and the possible legislation that goes along with it. Kind of reminiscent of some of Canada's history (that's where I'm from).

Liam, dripping wet, half naked? Lucky, lucky girl!

Wonderful descriptions - all the characters (including the Temple, which I would never have thought of as a character - interesting way of thinking about that, incidentally) are fully realised, and the landscape is easy for me to picture in my mind's eye.

I like the contrasts between Obi and Qui, one so unhappy and despondent, the other like he's found his true self. I'll be interested to see how they navigate the problems of the past ten years.

Finally, Liam - drool...

Okay, I'm done now - I'm sure there's more I wanted to comment on, but that will do for now. Great work, and can't wait for the next post.

Shaindl

 

Shaindl Hi again!

Yes, Liam, tall, buff, wet Liam with longish brown hair that tended to go into his eyes, those piercing blue eyes so intense....Is it hot in here? In fact, I told my friend that if he ever comes back to Broadway, I'm there and she said she'd be right behind me. I would have gone to see it twice but it was $80 and that is a little steep for me....Apparently, every few years, he's on Broadway so next time....

Canada had a list of children...that's sounds a little creepy. Why did they do that? Did it have to do with sending orphans out to the farms a la Anne of Green Gables?

Just an aside..I've been to Canada several times - really loved Banff, Nova Scotia and Vancover - notice a mountain theme here...

Back to the story, yes, I wanted to really contrast their lives. At first, Qui-Gon's life was very difficult but he has a good one now - with family, friends and a purpose. Obi-Wan, on the other hand, had a home, a support system and a purpose that is slowly deteriorating into darkness. In a way, they have switched places in the 10 years. But, as I said, Obi-Wan doesn't know yet just how far the darkness has penetrated....

Don't worry, Shaindl - that was enough comments for me. Even a quick hello is okay, although indepth discussion is great, too.

 

And now for dinner at the Jinns...

As dinner began, conversation seemed awkward, full of strange silences. It was clear to Obi-Wan that his Master was still upset about his comments and yet he did not want to end this night with enmity. He had hoped for one night, pure, with fond remembrances and a Padawan's love for his Master. Just one night. Tomorrow would be soon enough for investigation and sullied duty.

Conversation ebbed and flowed around the passing of food and the small talk of child and parent, host and guests. Le'orath was a better cook than Qui-Gon has intimated and the smells and tastes of the many dishes were wonderful. To the Jedi, used to simple, cheap meals, it was almost a banquet.

But, to one individual, it was not a banquet. Young Ben, now secure within the warmth of his family, and, above all, bored with the adult conversation, had begun to display a four-year old's exuberance and skill at deception. Staring at the sweets just beyond his reach, the child waggled his fingers ever so slightly, his blue eyes intense, a sly smile on his face. One small brightly-colored treat began a stealthy slow dance across the table towards the boy. Obi-Wan, spying the movement and amused at the thought, lent his talent to the task and a second sweet trailed the first. When Ben looked around to see who was helping him, he was surprised to see the strange Jedi Kenobi smiling. The boy was startled at first but, when Obi-Wan winked at him, a small grin lit his young face and he giggled.

His father, suddenly aware of the scene, said sharply, "Ben, no."

Eyes abruptly huge, the boy's smile disappeared and he bent his head, unsure of what he had done wrong. Softening his voice, Qui-Gon gestured towards a small pile of blocks and other toys in the far corner of the room. "Ben, it's all right but you must be bored with all this grown-up talk. Why don't you go enjoy your games?" The child nodded and moved away, looked at the adults for a moment and then settled down to play.

"I see that Ben has many talents." Kenobi's voice was tinged with amusement and his eyes were dancing.

Qui-Gon would have none of it. "Yes, he has. I meant what I said, Obi-Wan. You will get nothing of his talents."

Kenobi nodded, unhappy that this simple act of play had caused a further rift in their relationship. "Be at ease, Master. I was merely helping Ben with his...logistical problem." With a sharp look, Qui-Gon returned to his meal and uneasy silence descended on the group.

The food lay leaden in Obi-Wan's gut, acid etching his troubled thoughts. *Damn, this may be your last chance, you blasted fool. Try and fix this, Kenobi, before it's too late.*

He sent Jinn a tentative smile. "Master, I often thought of you, hoping that you were well and happy. It is obvious that you have come far. Home, family, a good life. I'm glad." Qui-Gon recognized what Obi-Wan was trying to do, wishing to repair the damage of their bitter argument. He, too, wanted to make amends and so he returned the smile and nodded.

"It was not an easy path. In fact, at first, it was very difficult. I did not want to impose on friends, afraid that some of the shame of dismissal would fall on them. I tried several occupations, none of which paid well and sometimes I was discharged without reason. Others would not hire me at all, obviously suspicious of a former Jedi. Who can really blame them? Such a Jedi must surely be rogue or tainted in some way."

"How could they think such a thing?"

Qui-Gon shrugged. "Dismissal from the Temple had always been for crimes or behavior unbecoming a Jedi, never for money reasons. They had no way of knowing." He sighed slightly. "Finally, with my funds dwindling fast, I bowed to the inevitable and asked for help. Luckily, the entourage from Naboo needed someone familiar with Coruscant and security to run checks on locations and personnel at the capital. Captain Panaka was acquainted with my work and hired me. He did me a great service, Obi-Wan."

Qui-Gon smiled briefly, warmed by the

 

And now I have a question for my terrific loyal readers.

I have never really written what I would call a popular fic. Shaindl, LuvEwan, JaneJinn, Dyanne_Kindred, Healer_Leona, JediNemesis and DarthBreezy- you have all been absolutely wonderful, commenting so much.

What I've noticed is that my loyal readers write very popular fics with lots of readers. I'm quite envious!!

Now, I don't intend to change the style of this fic - it's just not possible and would be too jarring and out of place anyway. But, could you give me some pointers as to how to attract readers for future fics? Try to be brutal - not Sith brutal but rather Qui-Gon brutal.

Am I too long-winded, too convoluted in my story line, my pace is not right....any suggestions would be welcome. You can PM me if you don't want to say it here but I can take criticism!! Really!

Thanks. You are the best!

 

I really like this fic. It's nice to see Qui-Gon having a family and such, while the Jedi are having money problems. A situation I never thought about. More soon

 

That seems like more then enough to go to the darkside.

 

I love this fic and I seriously can't wait for the next instalment. A lot of AUs duplicate each other - there's some ideas that everybody comes up with - but this is completely original as far as I know.

It's funny to think of Qui-Gon as a family man with kids and so on. Oh, did he name his son Ben after Obi-Wan? Out of nostalgia?

I haven't any idea why your loyal readers are so few. ? The characters are perfect - a few Anakin-lovers might disagree, but then I'm not one of those. (see sig ) The pacing seems fine (not once have I got bored) the plot is original and you're keeping me (I hope I speak for all of us) on tenterhooks for the next chapter.

One detail: I haven't written any fics that have made it as far as the boards yet. Here's hoping.

Keep them coming. I want to see how the Sith fit into all this - NB Is Palpatine Chancellor yet when this is set? If so...

- JediNemesis

 

Hi Diane,

Just sent you a PM!

Lovely post - I've been in those tense family dinners where everybody's dancing around a question or issue that nobody wants to deal with. You captured the tension magnificently. In some ways, I respect Le'orath for having the guts to try and deal with it. Strong woman - I'm finding myself wishing that I could meet her.

As to your question, it took me a LONG time to build up readers. I saw an interview a long while back with an author on the Resource Board where he said that the best way to build up a readership is to post regularly, reply to your readers' comments so they would want to come back, and review on a lot of other stories so your name becomes recognisable. After I read that, I started to review like crazy, and people started to come to my fics. But the first few fics I posted barely got any readers. I think my first one had 3 or 4 responses (not that it was a great fic - it was my first try). Plus, with the splitting of the boards, I've noticed that a lot of the people who were on the old board haven't shown up yet, which makes me think they haven't noticed the split.

What that all boils down to is that it takes time. But I wouldn't worry - one thing I've noticed in my time on the boards is that the people here recognise quality. You'll have a large readership soon enough because your plotting, characterisation and prose are just too good not to draw them. Plus there are all the lurkers (yes, we authors know you all are there! ) who don't bother to respond (we'll pass out cookies if you do respond, lurkers) who are loving your story just as much as I do. Cyn once commented that on FF.N one of her stories had 100 comments, but the stats showed over 500 hits - only one in five responding - can you believe that?

All right, I'm being long winded, so I'll stop. I wouldn't worry, Diane - you're doing a great job, and if you write it, they will come (why, yes, I am channelling dead baseball players...).

More soon? Especially for those of us who respond?

Shaindl

 

I don't think the quality of your story affects your number of responses AT ALL, diane. Because this is, in my opinion, one of the most well-written fics in the boards. My first stories didn't have many replies, but this one I'm writing now slowly built up a pretty good sized fan base. I think it just takes time, and also, the separation of the boards is an obstacle when it comes to a new story. I feel like you just get less replies on these new boards than you do on the 'classic'.

But this post was great. I love every character, they're written wonderfully. And Ben is so cute! Obi-Wan's eyes dancing with joy at playing with him was very touching and sweet. Qui's wife has the right to be upset, but sheesh, she sure is forthright! [face_shocked] Anakin is a slug, of course, and Altel is protective.

The last bit, where Obi walks out, had me so frustrated and sad I wanted to scream!

I wanted to scream :MORE!

Wonderful job, diane.

 

crystalvandepol Welcome. It's always nice to see a new face. I'm glad that you are enjoying it. I thought Qui-Gon would be good with a family and now I get to write him one...LOL. As for the Jedi and money, I was always curious about how they were funded and such. They never seemed to be fumbling for credit cards or paying for anything. Just look at old Ben - he even made Luke pay their passage off Tatooine. So I thought about it for quite a while and figured, if they were funded like a government branch, any Sith that took over the Senate would be able to manipulate them easily. And here we are..

Thanks for stopping in. I'll be posting tomorrow....

 

Jacen2000015 Hi there. Yes, Obi-Wan seems to think that things are pretty bad at the Jedi Temple. And they are...but they could be worse....and they are. But you'll just have to keep in touch to find out just how bad....

Oh, I love doing that. Seriously, Obi-Wan has just begun to find out things about the Temple that he hadn't known...and isn't going to like. How he copes is a big part of this fic... I hope you'll come back for more.

Diane

 

JediNemesis - Hi again. I'm so glad that you like this fic. Sometimes, I just don't know - I guess it's the bane of all writers - to doubt their work. But you and all my loyal readers have made me feel very welcome and I thank you for it.

Yes, Qui-Gon as a family man. Attachments are no longer forbidden in his life and it's about time he enjoyed being in a family.
As for naming Ben, it wasn't just nostagia but rather to honor his memory. To Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan was the son of his heart. It's a lot like when you name someone for someone else - to remember and rejoice in a new life linked with the old.

As for readers, I'm not really complaining, really I'm not. In fact, this is the most readers I've ever had. It's just that I tend to write odd things...things not quite in the traditional sense...and I try to be original, if possible. Although to be original in this mixture of terrific artists is really hard... I just try to learn something every day and I thought how better to learn to attract new readers than to ask those who already have them. I think Shaindl is quite correct. I just need time and patience.

As for keeping you all in suspense...isn't that my job? Besides, I figured if I bored you, you'd tell me, right?

As for thinking you had written something, that is my failing. I had seen your "impressive" name a number of times on other stories and the idea stuck in my head. Besides, it is better to err on the positive side!!

As for time period, I changed the summary in the beginning of the fic since I figured that it might be confusing as to when this takes place. "But" took place 6 months before TPM and we are now in the AOTC timeframe. Most of what was going on in that movie is still occuring but our story doesn't involve that action. So, yes, Palpatine is Supreme Chancellor and is about to start the Clone War. He's just having a little fun with the Jedi as he takes over the galaxy...sort of like a hobby....a serious hobby...

 

Shaindl I just PM'ed you back. Thanks for the information.

So you liked my dinner conversation...LOL. I have sat through more dinners, like you said, where everyone dances around the questions that never get answered. And, yes, I wish we had had a Le'orath around to finally ask and get everything out in the open. I think that both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan need to come to an understanding and those questions must be asked.

As for readers, I think you are absolutely correct. As I told JediNemesis, I thought I'd ask the ones who know. How better to find out the answers than to ask the questions! I will be patient, try to review other fics regularly (I'm just as bad as other lurkers sometimes!!!) and keep writing.

As for your compliments, thank you so much. I really appeciate all of your kind words. I just hope I can keep up the pace!!!

I do understand about lurkers, though. I remember CYN saying something about the number of hits versus comments. I looked on the FFN board for "But" just now and I got 4200 hits and only 41 comments. Wow, only 1 % on the archives. I'm sure that the boards have a much higher percentage since they seem to thrive on posts. I will be patient....

And Shaindl, if you are channeling dead baseball players, can I channel dead Jedi, especially one tall, broken-nosed fellow with piercing blue eyes and a gentle mouth??? Please....

A post tomorrow morning and the aftermath of the dinner...

 

LuvEwan You have been amazing and I just want to thank you so much for posting a link to this fic on your fic. Wow. I really appreciate it.

As I told Shaindl and JediNemesis, I figured I'd ask those who know how to get and retain readers. It's not so much this fic as some of my other ones had hardly any readers. I wasn't sure if it was because they were badly written (although my Draigon's Lair got nominated for a Winter 2002 awards - does a happy dance, thanks in part to JaneJinn who was one of the ones nominating it -I don't know the other 2 or I would have thanked them as well). I know that I write odd things - kind of off-beat - and I have no problem with that. I just thought I should ask the best!!! I'm always willing to learn new things or even relearn old ones!

As for the split of the boards, I'm not sure that is a bad thing. I've had a lot easier time finding things but then I go to all the boards since I like past, present and after the Saga. A lot of people are not doing that as yet but they will as they are forced to use the new boards when they post new stories. And, even better, the new stories stay on the first 2 pages much longer than they used to. I remember posting first thing in the morning so that my story would stay on the front page for at least 30 minutes...LOL. It's an experiment. We shall see.

Ben is adorable. We will see him a couple of more times but, for now, grownups will be the main focus. Le'orath is forthright but she needs to be for Qui-Gon's sake. I'm not sure I could take being around her every day but I'm sure she's not usually so....open with her feelings.

Anakin, dear Anakin. Now, that one is difficult to write. As, of course you know, I like Ani but his personality is quite...strong. And LuvEwan, I know how much you like him....

As for you being frustrated with Obi-Wan walking out, just think how he is feeling - guilty and sad and filled with remorse. Poor guy. How we love to torment him.

Thanks for everything.

New post tomorrow morning!

 

Oh, that was so cute, Obi-Wan helping Ben to get a treat! I loved the phrase "began a stealthy slow dance across the table". And the way that Obi-Wan referred to it as a "logistical problem."

It sounds like that first time after the dismissal really was rough on Qui-Gon. No, people had no way of knowing what the true reason was that he'd been dismissed from the Temple, and I'm sure the Senate wasn't about to trumpet out the news to the general public. Grrr.

I liked the way Qui-Gon ended up on Naboo, though, and the way he described it as a "twisted Force-driven path." He's still close to the Force, trying to follow its will, especially now that he's clear of the will of the Senate? Good!

I was able to scrap together enough to buy this small farm." Scrap -- or scrape?

It sounds like Le'orath complements Qui-Gon in more ways than just one. A landscape architect, huh? Good idea! I like the way Qui-Gon has very diverse interests as well. I especially liked this little exchange:

A Jedi does not have to think about where their next meal is coming from. But I do."

"You'd be surprised at what a Jedi has to think about these days, Master."

How true, how true!

I also liked the way Atel was feeling uncomfortable, and worried that her master was consorting a bit too much with the enemy. Great idea, showing her frantic thoughts there.

I also liked the way Anakin was so quick on the uptake. "So, that's it then. You're just going to keep coming back for more, even though they treat you like dirt." Yes, that sounds about right. Obi-Wan is driven by his duty -- at least for now. And -- I caught that! -- Anakin called Qui-Gon master.

Le'orath obviously has no idea of the "punishments" that the Jedi Order uses nowadays, otherwise she wouldn't be twisting the knife so enthusiastically in Obi-Wan's wound. Oooh -- powerful scene, though. Poor Obi-Wan!

*****

And now to your question about how to attract readers? I'm blasted if I know! I hate to say it, but I think you're doing extremely well with seven enthusiastic talkative readers.

I was a bit confused when I posted my newest fic. I didn't expect to get a lot of readers, because I was practically starting over. But I feel like I scared at least one reader away by saying "No, there's not going to be any romance here". And I might have scared off another reader by not including a long starfighter combat sequence. It was rather discouraging to have people post one or two replies, and then fade away before the end.

I've flown from one end of these boards to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange things. But I've never seen anything that'll make me believe that popularity, the number of readers, and the quality of a fic have anything to do with each other. I've seen extremely mediocre fics get ten to twenty replies after each post. On the other hand, there are those fics that could be taken straight to a publisher, such as this new one by JediGaladriel, and they get one, two, maybe up to five readers if they are lucky. It often seems to me that the best fics get the fewest readers. This is just my opinion and my experience, of course. Other people probably have other opinions.

My observances? People come here because they are fans of a particular character, and usually, a particular genre as well. They want more Obi-Torture, more Jaina/Jag, and more Dying Amidala, no matter how well the fic is written (or not.) If you want to get scads of readers, you have to write a fic where Obi goes through angst, either physical or mental, and Qui-Gon is depicted as a cold, unfeeling buckethead. Or you have to write a fic that shows one mush scene after another, and never mind the plot. Or you have to write Anakin killing Amidala in a fit of rage, but giving her enough time to have a little inner monologue before she kicks the buck -- er -- becomes one with the Force.

Shaindl said that the readers here recognize quality. I think that's only partially true, at least, from what I've noticed during t

 

JaneJinn - Wow. Thanks for your long post!

Oh, and thanks for finding the typo. It should have been scrape and I just didn't see it.

Ben is a particular favorite of mine. Although some might avoid having kids in a serious story, he is essential to the plot and helps to bring out certain feelings about the situation that might not otherwise be as poignant. Yes, I did enjoy writing that the sweets parade was a "logistical problem". I was giggling when I wrote it.

As for the dismissals, I thought that logically it would have been rough on Qui-Gon. His group was the first to be kicked out so no one would have understood that it wasn't for illegial reasons.

As for Qui-Gon going to Naboo, I chose Naboo as his location for a number of reasons - it's close to the Outer Rim Territories, a familiar location and culture, peaceful people with a strong ethical sense. And most importantly, far from Coruscant!

As for Atel's frantic thoughts, you'll just have to wait to see why she was so upset!

Oh, you are quick on the uptake. Yes, Anakin let it slip about calling Qui-Gon Master.

I thought that Le'orath needed to get Qui-Gon to ask the question about why no contact. Of course, she wouldn't know that the little slap on the wrist was so abominable! I'm sure that she would have been much nicer to him all around if she had known.

And now on to your comments about readers...
I loved this...
I've flown from one end of these boards to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange things. But I've never seen anything that'll make me believe that popularity, the number of readers, and the quality of a fic have anything to do with each other. Not only was it amusing and very Han-like but it was a lovely sentiment as well.

I also have seen a lot of mediocre stories with lots of readers plus fans who only go after one genre. Your advice is well-taken.

As for your newest fic (which I hope we will see more of), I don't think you really scared away any readers. Some want only romance, or long starfighter combat scenes - so be it. I thought your fic was just right. I know that it is discouraging when some readers post one or two replies and then fade away but the writers here have probably all had that happen.

As for your story "Crushed", you got a 1% response, same as I did with "But". Maybe, that's the norm on TFN? I know that they have counters on the stories on FF.N but TFN was just never set up for it, I guess.

Anyway, thanks for all your suggestions. You are the best!!!

And now for another post....