~~Boba's Rise(Please Read)~~( Updated August 1st,1:14 AM)

Prologue
The rain pounding on the window made a sound of knocking.The stormy days on Kamino seemed relentless.The waves grew from four feet to ten feet within seconds.The bright halls of the Kamino city twisted and curved around the dark waters.A tall,sleek man stood on the rainy hangar.He had long black hair,muscular build,scar on his chin and a look of determination on his face.The rain soaked his blue clothes.His hair full of rain droplets.The droplets gathering at the end of his hair then falling to the ground.He stood in front of a large ship.He had a can in his hand and his index finger on the trigger.He finished painting the ship Green and Brown.The ship was covered with dark patches of bolt marks.The man entered the halls of the Kamino city.He quitely walked down the hall with silent steps.He entered a room as the door slowly slid open and the man looked at the door with a dissapointed look on his face.He entered the room and walked up to a control panel.He punched in a code as his wet hands made marks on the panel and droplets of water hit the carpet floor.He entered the room and looked around.He saw a brown bag slumped in the corner on top of a filing cabinet which held records.The man picked up the bag and opened it revealing blue and silver,mandalorian armour.

OOC:Chapter 1 will be up tomorrow.Also please tell me what you think.

 

Good beginning, I'm hooked now I think you did a great job of discribing the surrounds perfectly, especially for Kamino. I felt as though I was there. You grabbed my attention, I'll be looking forward to the next installment of it. Keep going

Also, I have a FanFic of my own that I've started just recently, please stop by and read it. Its called **Merciful Twilight**. I hope you enjoy it.

Great story you have here. Keep up the good work

May The Force Be With You,
Obi-HaCoR

 

Chapter
The moon gleamed off the Slave 1 as the ship glided across an asteroid field.The asteroids glided by slowly moving around coliiding and nearly hitting the ship.The man inside of the ship was busy at the controls punching in coordinates and reading life sign traces.The man was non other than Boba Fett,he was no older than 18.He wore the once Silver and Blue Mandalorian armour.It was now a forest green and a odd shade of brown.

Boba looked through the slit in his helmet scanning the horizon searching for any other ships.Then a glimmer caught his eye as he saw a silver freighter.Boba came out of the asteroid field and the freighter stopped right next to the Slave 1.Boba scanned the ship and then tapped his helmet in disbelief.He though he was alone out here.Boba slowly got up gripping the armrests of the pilot seat as he got up.The seat was leather and very comfortable you could sit there for hours and be fine.

 

I for one am happy he is in his ledgendary Green and Brown outfit. Great story so far, I'll be looking forward to the next update.

 

Boba pressed a button as the leather tips of his gloves hit the buttons.The door slid open with a whoosh sound and Boba walked into the other ship.His hand glided to his side and unclipped his blaster as he change the ammo and aimed the gun around searching for anyone or anything.He knocked over some boxes and quickly regained his balance thinking that probably he had alerted someone that he was onboard.Boba still searching the room saw a figure turn the corner and fire a blaster rifle at him.Boba stumbled and fell over the boxes and the Bolt missed him and pierced the wall.Boba kicked a box at the figure and when it knocked the box out of it's way Boba fired striking the man between the eyes.The figure fell to the ground and the gun went off once more upon impact than smoke just came out of the barrel.Boba stood back up and investigated the body finding it to be a Republic member.Boba's look turned into a angry and disgraceful looking face.Boba picked up the man's gun and then he took whatever was useful on the ship and headed back to his ship.Before Boba got back on the Slave 1 he searched his belt and found a charger and palced it on the fuel line and then he got in his ship.Boba dropped all his things as he sat in the cockpit chair as he sunk into the leather pleasurely.He punched in some coordinates and he flew off.The charger in the Republic ship detonated and exploded into a massive fireball.


Rest of Chapter one to be up soon.

 

You know what I like most about your story. Your descripition. When I read it, I feel like I'm looking at everything through Boba's eyes. I liek the way you describe his surroundings and his actions. Great Job. I'll keep checking back here with every update you have.

 

Im also hooked.Your writitng is just amazing.You could read my humor fic called Palpy and his cons.Good work

 

The Slave 1 was in orbit around the City Planet Coruscant.Boba scuffled over his controls and finally hit pushed one with his leather glove with metal finger covers.A hologram came up in front of Boba the hologram was of a Short,long haired,scrwany looking man.The man seemed scared or paranoid as he shifted his eyes from left to right and he also had a tense kind of tone in his voice.

"A presume this is the Bounty Hunter Boba Fett?!Well....er...um I have a job for you.I need you to asassinate a Seperatist Political figure.I have enclosed the pictures and details and please hurry."

The hologram then flickered as it then went off.Boba quickly pressed another button and it showed the man he had to asassinate and how much the pay was.

"Man this guy is desperate 1 000 000 credits.Wait a minute I have to kill Poogle the Lessar how do I find him?"


Chapter 2 will be up tomorrow.

 

NM about the Chapter 2 I'm not finished on Chapter 1 yet.

 

Poogle the Lessar?? Great stuff man. I would never expect someone who want him assasinated. This should be great.

 

Boba sat in the pilot seat thinking what he could do to track Poogle.He tapped his helmet with his leather gloves as he pictured the planet Geonosis.That is where Poogle is he thought.But the Clone war was taking part there.He pictured the explosions as troops lost their lives and also the gun shots whizzing past everyones heads as they scurried to take out their enemies.Boba the set in coordinates to the planet Geonosis.He looked through the cockpit window and watched all the stars glimmer and watched as ships passed by some freighters and some cargo ships.Boba looked at the glimmering light coming from Coruscant.He knew if he screwed up just a little at Geonosis he would be found with a blaster mark in his head.He then prepared for lightspeed.


Chapter 1 is about halfway done this is a long story.

 

The Slave 1 came out of lightspeed as the glimmering ship prepared to enter Geonosis atmosphere.Boba looked out the cockpit and saw the planet Geonosis.A shiver went down Boba's spine as his emotions caught up to him.Here his father was killed by a jedi.He never even got to say goodbye to his dad.His dad was all he really had.Boba sucked up his feelings and got ready to seek for Poogle the Lessar.The dusty and rocky planet seemed liked the most hostile planet in the universe.Boba saw 10 to 100 feet craters and sand creatures hunting for prey.When the Slave 1 made a landig the sand made a cloud of dust and clinged onto the Slave 1's hull like tape.Boba exited the ship and the sand immediately dsuted up his helmet.He heard the wind whistling loud as a blaster bolt.Then a blaster shot hit the Slave 1's hull right beside Boba.Boba dropped to the ground and hid behind a rigid rock quickly drawing his pistols and stroked the trigger of each gun ready to fire.

 

Very imaginative in your descriptions. Paints a good picture. Keep going.

 

You went to elementary school, right? Didn't they tell you to put two spaces between sentences, as opposed to none at all? The description that everyone is falling all over is cliched (or nonexistent). There are a few, expected, spelling errors (but who hasn't got any?) and it's very awkward to read.

Read it out loud to yourself sometime. Shape paragraphs, maybe making one a one-sentence paragraph or something. Vary your sentence beginnings; don't always use "He" or something like it. Start with a verb, an adverb, or a prepositional phrase every once in a while.

I'm sorry to come down so hard on you, but reading that, I had to say something. Please understand, it's nothing personal, and my work is far from perfect, so I can't assume anything.

-Annbri

 

An idle spectator by a Kaminoan window would have heard a rythmic knocking. Relentlessly, the storms bombarded the planet, adding to the surging seas and stirring them into a froth of towering waves. Among all this, the Kaminoan city held fast, a bright serpent of hope to the waterlogged few who ventured there.

But there was no spectator.

If there had been, the nonexsitent idler would have seen the tall figure of a man standing on the drenched hangar, a man from whose very presence emanated a deadly accuracy and determination that would be the doom of many.

The man, his muscular build framed by his blue tunic, now clinging with wet, was standing by a ship, a can in his hand and a finger on the trigger of his blaster rifle. From the tips of his long black hair fell droplets of water, tumbling down to the deck to mingle with their brothers and sisters. Drops ran, too, down his face, past eyes hardened with confidence to a chin, scarred long ago, which was set determinedly. He was not the sort of man that could fail.

The ship was painted, green and brown, but it did not hide the bolt marks. The ship, like the man, was scarred.

His job done, the man strode to the door and entered the Kaminon city. The dazzling light that illuminated the halls of this city momentarily blinded him, but he needed no sight to navigate this place. Soundlessly, the man crept to the room he was seeking, and the door slid slowly open to allow him passage. As he entered, he cast a disappointed look at the door, but still said nothing.

His dripping hands went to the nearby control panel, where they left glistening droplets on the keys. Silver moisture was seeping into the carpet below his feet as though the very floor were thirsty. He quickly banished that unsettling thought and turned his attention to an odd, lumpy brown bag that lay slumped on a filing cabinet. The man pushed his long hair back from his face as he peered inside, then started with recognition. Like a dozen silver wand blue discarded crystals, in the bottom of the bag his father's Mandalorian battle armor.

Just to demonstrate, as I don't know how you want him to react and all, but that's basically what I meant in the above post.

 

Dude thanks for pointing that out.I am going camping tomorrow and that will be a perfect time to write my plot better and all that.Thanks you really opened up my eyes.I am gonna post the story again from the start after I figure out everything and do some things you suggested I too know I can do better.Oh I have been to Elementary school but I am only 14 and that's pretty good for my age so I will work out the kinks and build a better plot thanks.

 

Hey, man, I just turned 15. Age has nothing to do with anything. Glad you didn't take it personally. Once I beta-read someone's stuff, and they told me to go tickle a sarlacc. You've got a great potential story, and I'm glad you're going to bring the writing up to the same level as your plot.

Have a good holiday!

 

Just finished reading this! I saw it in Obi-Hacor's story, it's pretty good!
I like how you show when Boba painted the armor!
Cool story, I'll come back later! :-D
God bless!
<3-Moose

 

Up!!

Great story, I'm still hooked.

 

Hey, JFettG, are you anyone's padawan yet? If not, I'd be happy to help you out. What do you think? It's okay if you say no. I warn you, I will be critical.