Amph Book-A-Minute: The Sun Also Rises By Ernest Hemingway

The Ultra-Condensed SF/F Books

Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy
By Douglas Adams
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard


(The Earth gets BLOWN UP.)

Arthur

I'm a bit upset about that.

Ford

Yes, I can understand that.

(They fly around the galaxy. They go UNDERGROUND, where they see...)

Arthur

The Earth.

Deep Thought

Forty two.



THE END

 

The Book of Three
By Lloyd Alexander
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Taran

I got lost, so I'll have to go on a quest.

Eilonwy

I'm a little snot.

Fflewddur Fflam

Fflams rule. (twang)

(They go on a quest and GIVE UP. They go on a quest and FAIL.)

Gwydion

Hail to you all. You're heroes.



THE END

 

That's ridiculous. None of that happens in The Book of Three. Taran gets lost looking for Hen Wen the oracular pig, then continues looking for her after he escapes Spiral Castle. Eilonwy is cantankerous and proud, but she is also good-hearted and kind. They do not fail their "quest"; they find Hen and return to Caer Dallben so much the wiser for having dabbled with forces beyond their control. Did Stoppard even read the book before offering his snarky and clueless summary?

 

Well, I have read this series, but the plot of the first book escapes me, so I wasn't sure how accurate it was.

 

The Black Cauldron
By Lloyd Alexander
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Ellydir

I rule. Kiss my toe nails, pig boy.

Taran

Why you--

Ellydir

Woe is me. I'm scum, and I'm mean, and I hate myself.

(Ellydir saves the day and DIES.)



THE END



Way to leave out the title cooking utensil, dude. Read this one, too; it's the best of the series, IMO.

 

The Castle of Llyr
By Lloyd Alexander
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Prince Rhun

Hullo, hullo, hullo, hullo, hullo, hullo.

Princess Eilonwy

Why, that's like climbing a tree to keep a camel from biting your ear.

Queen Teleria

Hi -- yes stand up straight don't dawdle bow a little lower if you please hands out of your pocket thank you speak up don't mumble do tuck your tunic in, it looks so undignified to have a rumpled tunic -- there.

Gurgi

Peekings and squeakings and frownings and clownings and teasings and squeezings and stumpings and frumpings.

Taran

Since I'm the only one who can talk right, I'll lead the quest.



THE END

 

Ya know, this one [for The Black Cauldron] is fairly amusing and spot-on, in that snarkier-than-thou way that Stoppard has.

At least he gets the plot right this time.

The High King (#5) is more epic and more fulfilling, especially since the characters are now adults and have a degree of wisdom and maturity -- and sadness -- that they lacked (which is the point) in the earlier books. But yeah, The Black Cauldron (#2 in the series) is one hell of a good read.

 

Taran Wanderer

By Lloyd Alexander

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Taran

I don't know who I am, so I'll go all over the place.



THE END

 

Samuel Stoddard's Book Reviews

By Samuel Stoddard

Ultra-Condensed by Merlin_Ambrosius69

Stoddard

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.



THE END

 

Oh, well, Merlin; I haven't read this series in donkey's years, but now I think I will, so it hasn't been for naught.

 

The High King
By Lloyd Alexander
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


(ALL the characters come back and do something, except for Glew, who comes back and does nothing.)

Gwydion

Taran, now that evil is defeated, would you like to go to paradise and spend forever in eternal ecstasy?

Taran

Nah.



THE END

 

The Collected Work of Piers Anthony
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Piers Anthony

I'm Piers Anthony. I can write nonsense and sell it.



THE END


Wouldn't know about this, not having read anything by him.

 

The Xanth Series
By Piers Anthony
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Teenaged Main Character

Friends, let's go on a quest and have a pun time.

Gratuitous Love Interest

Ok.

Sidekick With A Body Composed of Parts From Twenty-Nine Distinct Species

Ok.

Boring Old Adult

Good luck! Don't forget your honor!

(Teenaged Main Character and friends go OUT and have a QUEST. Then they COME BACK.)

Teenaged Main Character

I've had enough adventure. Gratuitous Love Interest, let's get married and have kids so they can have adventures of their own.

Piers Anthony

I rule! I rule! Thanks to Julie Spofford of Burbank, Illinois, for the "quest" idea; Frederick Treepson of Malahoopee, North Carolina, for the "friends" idea; Susie Kellerman of Gunky, Louisiana, for the "good luck" line; and Norwood G. Dimble of New Spertle, Nevada, for the fun/pun pun.



THE END

 

I have to admit that one was pretty pointed. I stopped reading Xanth after book nine, but the above summary just about wraps 'em all up.

But they're funny and frothy little throwaways, not meant to be taken seriously and readily open to criticism, which oddly enough is part of their charm. They practically invite snarky and dismissive reviews like this one.

 

I used to devour the Xanth series as a kid. They took a drastic step down in quality after the 9th book or so but I continued to read for years after that. The puns took over and I stopped somewhere around book number 20-something. My brother once got recognition in the "thank you for the puns" section of one book (can't remember which one) for recommending a corn maze called a Maize Maze.

 

Piers Anthony's Guide To Xanth
By Piers Anthony and Jodie Lynn Nye
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Piers Anthony

Here's some stuff about my puntastic world of Xanth. Why don't you "leaf" through it? Haw haw! I collaborated with Jodie Lynn Nye on this so it wouldn't look entirely like self-indulgent narcissism in action.

Readers

Silly Piers Anthony. We would never accuse you of being narcissistic.



THE END

 

The Apprentice Adept Series
By Piers Anthony
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Stile

I'm short. I live in a science fiction world.

Blue

I'm short. I live in a fantasy world. Stile, let's trade places.

(They do.)

Stile

I like this world better, because magic rules.

Blue

I like this world better, because everyone's naked.

Piers Anthony

This book does not have an author's note.



THE END

 

The Collected Work of Isaac Asimov
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker


Stock Asimov Character #1

I'm a suave, witty, brilliant, good-looking scientist. I am everything Asimov thought he was.

Stock Asimov Character #2

I am the same, except the opposite sex.

Stock Asimov Character #1

Great! Let's do some science stuff, save the world, and make out.

(They do.)



THE END

 

The Foundation Trilogy
By Isaac Asimov
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard


Hari Seldon

I used Psychohistory and set up two Foundations. Now it'll only be 1000 years between Galactic Empires instead of 30,000.

First Foundation

La la la, la la la, things are going pretty well.

The Mule

Ya-hah! I've ruined your plans!

First Foundation

Gasp!

(The Second Foundation fixes everything.)



THE END

 

The series has problems. But all the Mule stuff is fantastic and the second half or so of Second Foundation was just riveting. I loved them, all things considered.

 

I have to admit, that was a pretty good summary.

(I like the books a lot, but it's pretty hard to take seriously the idea that at just the right time someone will recognise what needs to be done to further the Foundation, does it, and it all works out exactly as Seldon predicted yonks earlier. Again and again and again and again.)

 

The Gods Themselves
By Isaac Asimov
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker


Humans

The electron pump provides free energy but is destroying our universe.

Aliens

The positron pump provides free energy but is destroying our universe.

(Some SCIENCE stuff happens, and it is CONFUSING.)

Denison

I'm glad that's over. Is it time for the gratuitous sex scene yet?

Selene

Yes.



THE END

 

By Second Foundation, I was sort of actively pulling against the Foundations which I don't think is what Asimov entirely intended, which made the books sort of fascinating thought experiments for me.

 

I, Robot
By Isaac Asimov
Ultra-Condensed by Geoffrey Brent


Isaac Asimov

Here's a logic puzzle thinly disguised as a story.

Reader

Hurray!



THE END

 

I, ROBOT is an awesome book. Everything written by Isaac Asimov is gold.