Saga Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy! (Han on Trial, humor, complete 5/2)

Heh heh, the funness continues! The library was really cool. In the hopes of getting things done with the most bureaucracy possible, I hope the project manager put the dust requisition out for bids and then awarded the contract to the highest bidder, not the lowest. The image of Vader ringing one of the little bells for service was great, along with his trying to clear his throat.


Not to mention the only person he even somewhat respected (Trixie McVzlste) within the firm was gone now, having lost faith in the glorious Empire. [Ed. Note: Which is clearly ridiculous. She is a traitor and a fiend.]

I loved this part, LOL. The Editor's Note fit into it wonderfully. Glad to see the surgery was a success and Jamie got his rhyming back!


?Now there?s a trial-winner,? Han said.

Jamie fought back the tears.

ROFL. Perfect ending to this post. Poor Jamie. I wonder how this defense is going to go now-- will Han choose Braken or will Jamie stay on? Or both? Or neither?

Great post!

 

Laine: I?ve heard rumors, but I don?t believe them for a minute.

Thumper: Well, I don?t know how successful a surgery that leaves you coughing up blood is, but Jamie is rhyming.

Jamie and Braken are going to have to work together on this ? which is a bit of a problem since they?ve been bitter enemies for years, all the way back to My Dad v. Your Dad.

Leona: Glad to have you here.

Thanks to you all for the R&R!

---

[b]Chapter Three[/b]

I POSIT A HYPOTHETICAL. THAT FUTURE MODELS WILL ONE DAY LIVE IN A GALAXY WHERE THEY WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY THE MAKE OF THEIR CHASSIS BUT BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR MICRO-PROCESSORS. ? R2-D2


Greedo was, in life, a mildly famous C-list bounty hunter. B-list if one is feeling particularly generous, and particularly ignorant of the proper order of the alphabet. His father Greedo the Elder (whose name never really made sense until he procreated) was a beloved A-list bounty hunter, but Greedo Jr. never quite measured up to the family name. He never quite came anywhere close to measuring up, actually. But sentimentality does run in old criminals, so Greedo was given jobs regardless. Usually out of pity, and usually with other (better) hunters hired to do in the same target. When Greedo inevitably failed to kill the bountyhead, the criminal could pat him on the head and claim that hey, at least he gave it his best shot and say hello to your mother for me would you?

In death, Greedo left behind a broken-hearted mother and two siblings who enjoy large cash settlements. So as a matter of course, they looked to sue the man responsible for Junior?s unfortunate demise. The first lawyer they went to recommended they try suing whoever taught Greedo to aim like that, but Mama Greedo refused to hire a sass-mouth. She was also against snippy young upstarts, wise guys, and anyone whose britches were improperly-sized.

Braken knocked on the door to the Greedo family?s Imperial Center hotel room. Greedo?s mother answered. She looked exactly like her late son. His brother and sister did as well. Every Rodian looks like Greedo, so this was to be expected. [Ed. Note: That?s racist.]

?What do you want?? she asked.

?Mrs. Greedo, I?m Braken Starblaster, space attorney. This is my associate, Jamie Calrissian.?

A young brown-haired human jumped into view behind the two men. ?And I?m Zokk Hopscotcher!?

?Go wait in the speeder,? Braken instructed him.

?But we took a cab.?

?Go wait in any speeder you may find.?

Zokk saluted sharply, and ran off in search of a vehicle he would be able to get into.

?We would like to talk to you about your son Greedo,? Jamie informed Mrs. Greedo.

?You?re representing that scumbag who shot him, aren?t you?? she growled.

?We?re [i]allegedly[/i] representing that scumbag who shot him,? Braken corrected proudly. He shot a knowing smile in Jamie?s direction. Braken had learned the word a week earlier, but was yet to use it properly.

Jamie smiled. ?Heh. Please forgive mah comrade, ma?am. We?d like to get this all settled as ex[i]ped[/i]iently, [i]pain[/i]lessly, [i]right[/i]eously as possiblACKKGCKGUHH.? Braken and Mrs. Greedo stared at Jamie as he bent over in a coughing fit, but he waved away the aid they had not offered.

?Well alright, you can come in for a little while, but only if you promise not to cough blood on anything.?

?I sweah I will try mah [i]very[/i] best!? Jamie promised.

?Me too,? Braken chimed in.

Mrs. Greedo waved them in, and closed the door behind them. The hotel room was a modest one, with two beds and a small sitting area. A blanket in between the beds represented where Greedo?s brother Greg had been spending his nights.

[i]?Mom, I am thirty years old; I will not use a nightstand as a pillow!? Greg shouts.

?Well well, Bigbritches McSassmouth, there?s not room enough for me [/i]and[i] your ego, so I guess you?ll be sleeping with your sister,? Greg?s mother replies.

?I?ll take the floor.?[/i]

Brak

 

?We?re allegedly representing that scumbag who shot him,? Braken corrected proudly.

Hilarious!! I feek bad for Geedo's mom - and Trixie. I hope she and Braken get a chance to talk soon. Also, R2's rally was hilarious Poor R2 (though that part reminded me of Shooter, which is a really good movie).

Awesome chapter!!

 

More! Yes! Today I can meet my quota of wierd looks, since I'm reading this in a public place and will undoubtedly start laughing audibly and in a fashion utterly without dignity! Yes!

*goes to read post*

 

Great post. Thanks for the PM.

 

Oh my God. I haven't been on here in a YEAR AND A HALF. I feel like a terrible person. A terrible person who is VERY busy. However, I received your PM and had to check it out.

1. I LOVE your Editor Notes...heehee...

2. Braken Starblaster is an amazing name, just sayin'.

3. 'Nother PM would be lovely. I have missed this place, you, and your stories. *hugs* Awesome work, Nathan!

 

All I got to say is about frakkin' time!!!
(that I showed up I mean...)

Chaptah 1:
FROM HERE >>>> ?Whoa, wait a minute,? Vader interrupted the scene break. [Ed. Note: Show a little professionalism, Vader.] ?Who?s Braken Starblaster??


?It was just a question.? <<<< TO HERE

HA!!! I was thinking Steve Corell...(not so much becuase of Get Smart, just cause) same difference I guess?


Chaptah 2:
after the unfortunate microwave fire at the Jedi Temple Archives *snort*

Dear Repenthouse... I can't take anymore!!! Oh wait, there's more...

?How did you get that??

The Corellian approaches the warden. ?I really need a vest to communicate my casual devil-may-care attitude.?

The warden smiles. ?Inmate, I illustrate trashy romance novel covers, and my usual model is sick.?

The man shuddered. ?I?d rather not say.?

Uncle! Uncle! Uncle Noftradamuf?f!!!


Chaptah 3:

[Ed. Note: That?s racist.] (<-I'm running out of these)


?I?d rather been looking forward to exposing your client on a galactic stage.?

Braken didn?t take kindly to threats. He got serious as he leaned in to drive home his low-voiced response. ?Well you?re in for a surprise, lady, because the prison jumpsuit defendants wear is very hard to unzip.?

No comment. Just felt like reposting & italizing the exchange...




Great to see funny back on the boards! All caught up, and thirsty for more sah!!!

 

?We?re allegedly representing that scumbag who shot him,? Braken corrected proudly. He shot a knowing smile in Jamie?s direction. Braken had learned the word a week earlier, but was yet to use it properly.

Hee! I'm imagining him using it in place of swear words.

?Justice for my baby boy.?

?Money.?

?Money.?

Money > justice!

Loved the "Luke Skywalkah, praise the Force!" guy, and R2 leading the droid rights' group. Stick it to the Man, power to the peop-er, droids, etc!

Oh no, Braken's going on a chocolate binge! I have a feeling this will end hilariously, but perhaps not well.

Fabulous post!

 

?As your lawyer,? Trixie interrupted, ?I?m advising you both to stop talking.?

?As your mother, I?m recommending the same,? Eleanor agreed.

And I bet Mrs. Greedo almost had Braken fooled into believing she wanted justice for her son.

But what's even stranger is how perfectly the "dance" fit right in with the story.

Great update

 

HEY! I thought I already responded to this!

Well assuming it was merely a technical error and not evidence that I've begun suffering from some kind of early-onset terminal brain disease, here's what I vaguely remember saying:

That Scrubs gif is bloody brilliant, man. Go you!
I love how you had this chapter focus on pseudo-racism as its theme. R2 does a great MLK impression by the way. Thank god Fett's shot hit his head and not something vital.

 

Loved the whole post, right down to Fett missing because he didn't account for the wind. (Artoo!!!)


Well done, Face. Well done.

 

Nat: I guess Greedo?s mom is going through some stuff, but on the other hand she is also a jerk. Most of the characters in this story are like that.

flb: Dignity is overrated. I. M. O.

Laine: Thank you.

Eruanne: Long time, no see. Added to the list.

Ale: Indeed.

Ah Steve. He rules, and has for a long time.

Somehow, I knew I could count on you to get the Repenthouse joke.

?chica: People using words incorrectly is funny. People proud of their word choice using words incorrectly is funnier still.

KELIA: Well, he?s not the hardest guy to fool. You don?t have to get up early or anything.

Yod: Yod, Yod, Yod! How could you call an Arrested Development gif a Scrubs gif! If it were a Scrubs gif it would look like this:

[image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/drcox2.gif]

Pseudo-racism is kind of a recurring theme in this story. Not intentionally, but there?s just a lotta fun to be had with droid rights. Artoo will be back up and railing (against things) soon enough, I?m sure.

Daena: Imperial Center wind gusts have been known to kill people. So have bullets. Odd to think that the combination could do just the opposite. Well, maybe not.


EVERYBODY: Thank you so much for reading, and for all the replies!

 

Best chapter yet? I say yes.

His nonviolent tactics had helped greatly to bridge the human-robot divide in the face of his more extreme contemporary MalComputron-X.
This feels very Futurama to me.

The droid collapsed, making that funny noise from when he got kidnapped by Jawas.
And this might be my favorite joke of the chapter, just because it's funny to me that the narrator has seen the movies, or at least ANH.

 

I am so glad that you are writing another brilliant Braken Starblaster story. This is hilarious. Please put me on the PM list for this.

 

I have to admit that I really like Zokk.


?Let?s move on,? suggested Trixie.

Move on from that topic, or move on from that relationship? Hmmm.

I always love the details added into the story... Kook Index, Lifeday Cheer Index, SoapBox 5000, the Tetran Cowell insult... ROFL!


"...Can I get a Force be with you!?

?Force be with you!? a few listeners called back.

It's actually kinda eerie how well that works. That whole scene translated into my mind's eye and mind's--ear?--rather easily, heh heh.

No, Braken, not the chocolate!

Great post! Looking forward to more!

 

Forcefire: Futurama was the best at those robots-as-minorities gags. (':

Kelli: Added!

Thumper: I admit, I want a SoapBox 5000. It could come in handy.

Everybody: Thank you very much for R&Ring!

---

[b]Chapter Four[/b]


Ask him about his mother. I bet she messed him up. I bet she messed him right the **** up. ? ?Psychiatry for Crazies?, by Dr. Tobias Schenn?ker


Braken lied down on the big black nerf-leather couch in the psychiatrist?s office. ?Where?s the regular shrink??

A harsh-featured human named Dr. Icculus looked up from his notebook, where he?d been working on a pencil sketch of an angel from the moons of Iago riding an aiwha while wielding a lightwhip. The work was, in Icculus?s admittedly biased opinion, totally metal. He answered, ?FX-7 was discovered in an inappropriate relationship with one of his patients.?

[i]A stormtrooper walks into the multi-armed droid?s office without knocking. ?Ysanne Isard?? he exclaims. He proceeds to vomit.[/i]

Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine generated a demand for psychiatric evaluations that exceeded that of its peer law firms by upwards of 1500%. So when FX-7 was fired, the partners rushed to find a replacement. In their desperation, they turned to a man whose medical expertise was already questionable, and put him in a field largely unrelated to his own. Icculus was getting by mostly by a copy of ?Psychiatry for Crazies? hidden inside his notebook.

?But let?s talk about why [i]you?re[/i] here,? Icculus said. ?Do you even remember your episode??

[i]Braken punches Jamie in the face.[/i]

?Bits and pieces,? answered Braken.

?You came into work under the influence of nougat.?

[i]Braken hugs Jamie tightly, sobbing, ?I miss her so [/i]much[i], man! ?Hey. Hey your face is bleeding.?[/i]

?I? I?ve just been having a rough time lately. I could quit if I wanted to.?

?Do you want to??

?Well, no, but I could want to if I wanted to want to.?

?Hmmm? I?d like to try a word-association exercise. Say whatever first comes to mind.? Icculus suggested this not because he thought it would help, or that he would even know what to do with the information once obtained, but because he was paid by the hour and because it seemed like fun. ?Salt.?

?Pepper.?

?Dark.?

?Light.?

?Stylus??

?Flimsiplast.?

?Peanut butter.?

?Jelly.?

?Peas.?

?Jelly.?

?Hammer.?

?Jelly.?

?Chocolate.?

?A way to escape my problems if only for a moment, which even though I hate what it did to my horrible abusive father, makes me feel somehow closer to this broken man who I never really knew.?

Icculus frowned. ?No, nothing I can work with there?? He flipped through the self-help book for helping others. ?Braken, it doesn?t take a doctor to tell what you need. Which is good news for me.?

?What??

?Nothing. Braken, I?m recommending you attend Chocoholics Anonymous for six weeks, or until you?re cured, whichever comes with the most difficulty.?

?This is an outrage!? Braken exclaimed, outraged. He jumped up from the couch. ?I hate being anonymous! It deprives me of my need to be recognized, loved, and the center of attention!?

Icculus shook his head. He mused, ?You are an enigma, Braken Starblaster.?


* * * * * *
[i]Greedo v. Solo, Day One[/i]

Later that day, Braken stepped into the courtroom that would be hosting the trial of Han Solo. Due to a scheduling error, it was also serving as the check-in for SithCon, the annual convention dedicated to the practice of the Dark Side, and all things loosely related to it. Snacks were provided.

Taking a sip of punch, Zokk waved Braken over to the defense table. Jamie sat there with arms crossed. His brown eyes glared at Braken from above his broken nose that had been improperly bandaged by Dr. Icculus. The not-so-good doctor had also diagnosed it as ?fractured face?, so Jamie wasn?t optimistic about his treatment.

?Jamie,? Braken said.

?I am not interested in your nonsense, Braken.?

?What?s with you two??

 

Hilarious as always, I love the Dark Lord of the Law and Braken's clueless psychiatrist. I can't wait until the Chocoholics Anonymous meetings.

 

Creepy facebook reference! Yes!

The psychiatry session was fantastic. It confirms many suspicions I hold about that field of study and its professionals. Also, who hasn't Isard been involved with? This woman gets around.

I love Jamie's reaction to Trixie's powerful trio of adjectives. Isn't that copyright infringement on her part or something? Is there such a thing as personality infringement?

?Peanut butter.?

?Jelly.?

?Peas.?

?Jelly.?

?Hammer.?

?Jelly.?

?Chocolate.?

?A way to escape my problems if only for a moment, which even though I hate what it did to my horrible abusive father, makes me feel somehow closer to this broken man who I never really knew.?


Hilarious!!

Every lost cause does need a fool to hope in it. Perfect point to bring up at the next meeting of our campus newspaper. Damn it, Face, that was beautiful, and I can never use it. How can I ever express such a sentiment ever again without thinking of Greedo's Mama? I'm fairly certain that undignified lol'ing (which, though you've assured me is okay, I still view with reservation as to its social acceptability) will break just about any noble, heroic mood I'm trying to create.

So...nice update, and looking forward to next time.

P.S. Yeah....about the emoticons...I always have trouble finding the appropriate emotion and I get bored with being generic, so I went for full out random this time. Yup.

 

A crimson-robed guard at the front of the room shouted, ?All rise! The dishonorable Dark Lord of the Law presiding.?

?Oh ----,? Braken muttered. The censor installed in his voicebox let out a loud bleep.

He has a censor installed? That... must come in handy...



Wonderful update...

 

The dude is from circumstances, if you will.

I like Greg already.

 

*cleans up coffee spill*
*falls off chair*

Oh, I'm so glad I found this 'fic, just when I should be writing a paper. I love it- dumb lawyers are the best idea ever, and your humor is just simply amazing. A chocolate addiction... that doesn't sound all that bad. And "we're here, we're arguably sentient, get used to it" is simply hilarious.
Please put me on the PM list!

 

?I? I?ve just been having a rough time lately. I could quit if I wanted to.?

?Do you want to??

?Well, no, but I could want to if I wanted to want to.?


That's some air-tight logic, right there.
You know, it only occurred to me just now where this was all leading to. But if I'm right, oh man ? you, sir, are a genius.

 

It was really cool to be able to read two posts together. One of the advantages of being a procrastinator!

This bit stuck out for me, even amidst so much brilliance.

?You?re representing that scumbag who shot him, aren?t you?? she growled.

?We?re allegedly representing that scumbag who shot him,? Braken corrected proudly. He shot a knowing smile in Jamie?s direction. Braken had learned the word a week earlier, but was yet to use it properly.

Jamie smiled. ?Heh. Please forgive mah comrade, ma?am. We?d like to get this all settled as expediently, painlessly, righteously as possiblACKKGCKGUHH.? Braken and Mrs. Greedo stared at Jamie as he bent over in a coughing fit, but he waved away the aid they had not offered.

 

?I hate being anonymous! It deprives me of my need to be recognized, loved, and the center of attention!?



Braken wants to be loved and chose to be an attorney?

Interesting

I loved the start of the trial and I can't wait for more.

Great update