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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy! (Han on Trial, humor, complete 5/2)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by The_Face, Feb 3, 2009.

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  1. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    ?Peas.?
    ?Jelly.?


    eewww! :p

    LOL @ SithCon. There's a convention for everything, I suppose.


    ?I know what you meant!? Dark snapped. ?Don?t humor me when I?m being sassy! That?s one.?

    Heh, Mama Greedo just can't get away from those sass-mouths, can she?


    ?What do you have to say about the fact that he totally did it??

    I loved this line. [face_laugh]

    It's going to be an interesting trial... based on Jamie's reaction, it looks like Trixie's got his number by using his special speech pattern. I'm really looking forward to seeing how this all plays out. :D

    Great job!
     
  2. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Awesomeness :D Good thing my roommates are gone, 'cause I'm cracking up :D

    The "doctor" was pretty funny. And I don't want to know why peas and jelly go together :p And the Dark Lord of the Law!! I've missed him :D I feel a little bad for Greg and Jamies :p And Charal too - that was just hilarious :D Awesome chapter!!
     
  3. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Kelli: We?ll be getting into the world of recovering chocoholics in a couple posts.

    flb: I think the supposedly random smilies add a nice Dadaist context to your post.

    I think Facebook owes me something for using my name. [face_not_talking]

    Daena: It saves some work in post-production, certainly. :p

    Forcefire: He is living at the corner of Dude and Catastrophe.

    SithGirl: Added!

    Yod: [face_whistling]

    Vadey: Just one of many! Also, the membership benefits are pretty good, even though they?re semi-annual at best. I?m still waiting for 2007?s, but I?m sure they?ll get around to it.

    KELIA: Braken also has a large ego and crushing self-doubt so he?s no stranger to contradictions.

    Thumper: Don?t knock it ?til you try it! In fact, you might wanna take that a step further and just not try it at all, because it sounds gross.

    Nat: Incompetent doctors are always a lot of fun, whether it?s Doug from Scrubs, Leo Spaceman from 30 Rock, or Zoidberg from Futurama.

    Everybody: Thank you very much for reading and replying! [face_love]

    Here's the current PM list last I checked. If I missed somebody or added somebody I shouldn't have, please let me know.

    1Yodimus_Prime
    amidalachick
    DaenaBenjen42
    Darth_Drachonus
    dm1
    frodogenic1
    Jedi_Eruanne
    KELIA
    Kelli_LB
    Laine_Snowtrekker
    NYCitygurl
    SithGirl132
    Thumper09
    VaderLVR64
     
  4. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Chapter Five


    Once you go guilty, going back is an impossibility. ? Ancient defense attorney proverb



    Zokk knocked tentatively on the door to Braken?s office. ?Mr. Starblaster? Is now a bad time??

    ?Zokk!? This was the most excited Braken had ever been while saying the intern?s name. It was also the happiest Zokk had seen him since three weeks prior.

    Braken finishes a conversation on the commlink and turns to Zokk. ?He says it?s just a rash!?

    ?Does that mean you?ll put your pants back on?? Zokk asks.


    He hadn?t been the same since putting his pants back on.

    ?Zokk, have you seen this new Holonet meme??

    ?Uh no, sir, I only use the Holonet for weather forecasts and pottery-shopping,? he answered. He neglected to mention his burgeoning addiction to Division 29 fanfiction.

    ?Check this out.?

    [image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/Gags/Lolbot1.jpg]

    ?They're Lolbots! Hilarious, right?!? Braken shouted with an expression of demented glee. His smile was twisted across his face like saran wrap over a braying eopie.

    ?Umm, a laugh riot, sir.?

    ?I know! They?ve got one for everything!?

    [image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/Gags/Lolbot2.jpg]

    ?Very topical.?

    ?More like timeless, Zokk. This site is probably just too cerebral for your underdeveloped sense of humor. Was there a reason you came in here??

    Zokk?s eyes shot wide open, and he shivered with excitement. ?Oh, yeah!? he shouted, before falling quiet again.

    ???

    ???

    ???

    ???

    ??And what was that reason??

    ?Well, it?s just that I was thinking about some of the cases we?ve been getting lately. Captain Solo, Mr. Skywalker, Admiral Najil, Doctor Doom, Professor Trongarr, Kobe Bryant? They all seem so??

    ?So what, little guy??

    ?Guilty.?

    ?Oh definitely, yeah.? Braken nodded sagely.

    ?It?s just that, in my law school correspondence course, I got this notion that I?d get to help defend innocent people,? said Zokk.

    ?Awwww?? The older man smiled warmly, and mussed Zokk?s hair. Still smiling, he said, ?Zokk Zokk Zokk. That?s dumb. Innocent people are the worst clients. They prattle on about the truth and evidence and what really happened and you just can?t work with them. Guilty people will go along with your idiot schemes to get them off, without getting in your way complaining about principles. And if you don?t succeed, they know they deserved it anyway. Blow softened. It?s a nightmare trying to convince an innocent person to plead anything else, let me tell you.?

    Braken?s client stands before Justice-Tron 1350 and takes a deep breath. ?I plead guilty. ?Guilty of innocence!?

    ?This is
    not what we practiced in the foyer!? a young Braken whines.

    Braken shook his head. ?It?s so much better when your client did it. It takes all that worrying about the truth out the window, and you can get down to the real meat of a lawyer?s job.?

    ?Suits??

    ?Excellent guess, but I was looking for finding loopholes. I would have also accepted grasping at straws or making stuff up.?

    ?You?re so wise.? Zokk was sadly not being facetious.

    ?Thank you, Zokk. I like to think my intellect is second only to my suits in what makes ooh ooh look what Lobot?s got on his head!?

    Jamie burst into the office. ?Braken, we haven?t the time for Lolbots!?

    Braken raised an eyebrow. ?Uh yeah, Jamie? There?s only always time for Lolbots.?

    ?You are an idiot.?

    So soon had Jamie forgotten that Braken was rubber and he himself was glue.


    * * * * * *
    Greedo v. Solo, Day Two

    Trixie stood. ?Your despicableness, we call Wuher the cantina bartender to the stand.?

    ?Hmmm, I?ll allow it,? the Dark Lord said in what he considered a very gracious move, despite the fact that it was a completely routine and non-objectionable request.

    The disheveled human, in need of a shave and twenty baths, walked up to the witness box. He pawed nervously at the
     
  5. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    Brilliant as only YOU can do, Face! [face_laugh]

    ?They're Lolbots! Hilarious, right?!? Braken shouted with an expression of demented glee. His smile was twisted across his face like saran wrap over a braying eopie.

    ?Umm, a laugh riot, sir.?

    ?I know! They?ve got one for everything!?


    =D= =D=
     
  6. Kelli_LB

    Kelli_LB Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 24, 2006
    What does it say about me that I understand and almost approve of Braken's logic here? [face_worried]

    Great post! Keep up the excellent work. So far this was my favorite chapter yet for this story.[face_laugh]
     
  7. KELIA

    KELIA Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 26, 2005
    ?It?s just that, in my law school correspondence course, I got this notion that I?d get to help defend innocent people,? said Zokk.

    It?s kinda cute seeing someone that naïve! And I have a feeling he?ll be learning soon enough.

    ?Nothing further,? whimpered Braken.

    Agh, you gave up too easily!

    I hope, for Han?s sake, Braken still has one of those ?smart legal moves? up his sleeve.

    Great update

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
     
  8. 1Yodimus_Prime

    1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 13, 2004
    ?That?s your warning shot, lady. Greedo?s murder is the issue at hand here, not Captain Solo?s other extralegal activities.?

    Braken scoffed. ?He?s not even using that word right.?

    Niice callback :D



    And again, Starblaster displays impeccable logic! I noticed a use of both the circular AND cyclical forms: a very rare one-two-punch of flawless rhetoricism. I don't understand what everyone's talking about. The man is clearly a genius.
     
  9. DaenaBenjen42

    DaenaBenjen42 Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    May 15, 2005
    Loved the Lolbots and Braken's inner coach. ( [face_laugh] )


    Well done and wonderful update. :)
     
  10. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    I'm not all the way through, but I just had to stop and say that the Lolbots are BRILLIANT!!! Absolutely genius :D

    The innocent vs. guilty stuff is fun too, particularly the flashback and the possible answer of "making stuff up." :D And the rubber and glue stuff - Braken sounds like he's ten :p

    Okay, rest of the reply after I finish reading.


    Edit: okay.

    ?Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth-ish, things that sound like truth, and nothing but the truth from a certain point of view, or else we will kill you??

    I know that that's not new, but it's still funny :D

    Interesting testimony! And poor Braken, he actually did something smart and it didn't work. Good thing for Han that the bartender got shot. And the "their kind" was pretty funny :D

    Did the Dark Lord ever hook up with the girl he was going after?

    Also, I thought I should repeat that you're a hilarious man, Nathan :D
     
  11. SithGirl132

    SithGirl132 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 6, 2005
    I think you might need to get some of those Lolbots on Cheezburger.

    "So say we all."
    This was made even funnier by the fact that I've been watching Battlestar Galactica all day.

    ?Them good ol? boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singin?, the day Greedo died.?
    Actually, that's probably what they were doing!

    In doing so, he became aware of a large red X just in front of him, painted over his favorite place to stand while witnesses testify. He looked up and saw an electro-piano hoisted above it. His eyes followed the cord holding it up over a rafter and down to Bossk?s hand.

    Beside Bossk, IG-88 stood up and raised a blaster rifle. ?Dramatic declaration: Death to bigots!? He shot Wuher, and was promptly tackled by stormtroopers.

    Dropping pianos? Oh, those poor pianos! And the bounty hunters are taking revenge now? I can't wait to see where this goes!

    BTW, that was one of the funniest PM's I've ever received.
     
  12. amidalachick

    amidalachick FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 5 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    I'm in ur story, catchin up on my readins![/lame attempt at Lolbot speak]

    Lolbots are so awesome. I also loved Braken's therapy session and all the legal proceedings. Great updates! =D=
     
  13. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    Lolbots = Awesome. If laughing burns calories, then I thank you for the couple of pounds I lost while reading that, Face. And Division 29 fanfic, LOL. That just strengthens my notion that Zokk is cool. :D

    I agree with Yodimus--the callback was awesome. :D "Extralegal" was one of my favorite jokes in the first story.

    Wuher's testimony was great, especially the part about Han being courteous. Too bad Braken didn't get to pull off one of his smart legal moves. It almost looked like one of them was coming, too!

    Great job!
     
  14. Laine_Snowtrekker

    Laine_Snowtrekker Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 8, 2003
    These are great. I loved the reference to Division 29, because both Braken and Remy are fans? (And it was a reference to fan fiction within fanfiction. Awesome.)

    Thanks for the PM.
     
  15. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Vadey: There was another guy who could, but it led to his death. I?m not too worried, though? urrkk

    Kelli: [face_laugh] .....[face_worried]

    KELIA: I wouldn?t bet on Zokk learning anything. Like, ever. :p

    Yod: It?s still one of my favorite gags from the first.

    Daena: I can haz siburnetic implants?

    Nat: Braken is only ten mentally. And emotionally.

    The Dark Lord of the Law is still pursuing Charal (of Ewok movie fame). We?ll see that next post.

    SithGirl: Pianos have gotten off easier than anvils. Seems like people can hardly even remember what anvils were originally for, other than squashing foes.

    a?chick: Ah but I ask: Is a lame attempt at doing something lame not in fact an excellent attempt?

    Thumper: I can make money off this, I?m sure. The Face Diet. Wait, that sounds like the faces are the only things that lose weight. Well, I?ll have to work out the kinks.

    Laine: Division 29 comes originally from good ol? Luton_Plunder and his User series, providing a Corellian cop drama beloved by the local CorSec chief. I fell in love with the creation and incorporated it into my own Corellian cop fic, and now here. He even wrote an episode of it once.

    Everyone: Thank you very much for reading and replying! You rock. :D

    Chapter Six coming this weekend.
     
  16. Forcefire

    Forcefire Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 17, 2000
    The phrase "guilty of innocence" has a nice ring to it. Sounds like an album title, too.

    I love that Jamie bursts in to tell Braken to cut out the lolbots without having been around to see Braken looking at them.

    Like so many others, I am particularly fond of the extralegal callback.
     
  17. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Forcefire: Guilty of Innocence, and the new single ?I Didn?t Not Not Do It?. :p

    Thanks for reading!





    [b]Chapter Six[/b]

    I hate Mother so much. She doesn?t respect my privacy at all. ? Greg Greedo?s diary entry, 2-4-56
    Greg, I?ve found the lies you?ve been putting in this diary and I want them to stop. ? Greg Greedo?s diary entry, 2-5-56 (handwriting a match for Eleanor Greedo)



    ?Hello. My name is Slimzar and?? Slimzar choked back tears in both his throats. Six of his eight eyes were welling up badly. ??And I?m a chocoholic.?

    ?Hello, Slimzar,? the rest of the group said back unconvincingly. So unconvincingly, in fact, that Slimzar not only knew they didn?t actually want to say ?hello?; he was starting to doubt that his name was even Slimzar. And if he was unsure of that, Slimzar?s northernmost brain reasoned, then how could he be sure of the other half of his statement? Perhaps, Slimzar?s south brain chimed in, Slimzar was not a chocoholic after all!

    ?We?ve made such a breakthrough today!? Slimzar proclaimed happily. The last two eyes joined in with the others, but with an important difference ? these were tears of joy.

    Braken sighed loudly, folded his arms, rolled his eyes, tapped his foot, and turned around so everyone could see the back of his shirt, which read ?I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE? in Basic, Aurebesh, and Intergalactic Esperanto.

    Vuun, a smiley man as well as the group leader, stepped up to where Slimzar had been doing his sharing. He hopped up and sat on the edge of the stage for the high school auditorium in which this particular group of Chocoholics Anonymous gathered. ?Who else would like to share today? Maybe somebody [i]new?[/i] Hmm? Maybe somebody who [i]hasn?t been here before?[/i] Little [i]first-time[/i] sharing? Hmm? Little [i]introduction?[/i] Anybody? Anybody?? He put his hand up to shade his eyes, as if searching for land on the horizon. All he saw was a collection of middle-aged sweet-tooths and a couple kids who told their shop teacher they were going to the restroom half an hour ago. ?Braken? Did I see your hand up??

    Braken answered, ?No, I think it was just the one finger.?

    Vuun waved Braken over toward the stage. ?Okay, come on up. Come on up and share. Share in the sharing spot. This is a safe place. No one will judge you here. We?re all going through the same things. Except Slimzar who appears to be cured.?

    ?This is the best day of my life!? Slimzar exclaimed, hugging the Mandalorian beside him.

    ?Showoff,? muttered Braken, as he stomped up to the sharing spot. Vuun hopped down and scurried off to his seat. Braken took a deep breath. ?Alright. Umm. Hi, losers. My name is Braken Starblaster, and I am a chocoholic like my father before me.?

    ?Hello, Braken,? the group said.

    ?I don?t really believe in ?therapy? or ?support groups? or ?feelings??, Braken said, complete with air quotes, ?but my job is making me come here. At work the other day, I had an, uh, episode.?

    [i]Braken kisses a Twi?lek paralegal on the lips. ?Your beard is scratchy,? he remarks with slurred speech.

    ?Yeah it is,? the alien replies proudly.[/i]

    ?And not the cool kind of episode, either, where it?s all [i]Previously on[/i] or [i]In a galaxy far far away[/i]. The kind that?s polite-talk for going Grade-A banana bonkers. So anyway, I got into some chocolate, yes. It was one time. Do I regret it? Yes.?

    [i]Braken punches Jamie in the face.[/i]

    ?Well, mostly. Why do they care if I have a little nougat before coming to the office? It?s not like they were there when I was losing my girlfriend or getting rejected by the Rebellion. And now, I?ve got a hopeless case in trial, and I?m pretty sure someone?s trying to kill me!?

    At that moment, the Mandalorian in the support group tried to kill him. He raised his rifle and fired a shot into Braken?s chest. The lawyer collapsed in slow-motion, saying ?Now I?m really sure!?

    ?Yes!? Fett yelled.

    ?You -------!? Braken yelled.

    ?What??

    ?I hav
     
  18. DaenaBenjen42

    DaenaBenjen42 Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    May 15, 2005
    You can haz repliez...

    ?Hello. My name is Slimzar and?? Slimzar choked back tears in both his throats. Six of his eight eyes were welling up badly. ??And I?m a chocoholic.?

    ?Hello, Slimzar,? the rest of the group said back unconvincingly.


    Chocoholic meeting... love it! (A Klondike bar? How'd you know?)

    Braken sighed loudly, folded his arms, rolled his eyes, tapped his foot, and turned around so everyone could see the back of his shirt, which read ?I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE? in Basic, Aurebesh, and Intergalactic Esperanto.

    Like that shirt!

    A red-robed guard had her place a hand on Chicken Soup for the Sith.

    They got one of those before there was a Chicken Soup for the Jedi Soul? Man, those Sith have connections...

    ?How did it go?? Jamie asked.

    ?I think I agreed to run a bake sale for her church.?


    That'd be different for him, wouldn't it? [face_laugh]



    Wonderful update. More, please. :) (This feels a lot like Boston Legal... [face_thinking] )
     
  19. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    [face_laugh] Wonderful, especially the end (and the moral) :D
     
  20. 1Yodimus_Prime

    1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 13, 2004
    Braken took one hand off Jebediah, and used it to get his commlink. ?The police are going to come to a high school I?m in, and for once it won?t be to arrest me.?
    Hey, look at that! Making progress already!


    With Jebediah in a cell, Braken returned to the courtroom. As he went, he thought about how his problems were so much worse than everyone else?s. [citation needed]
    Things Braken should never be allowed to do #465: Edit Wikipedia

    PS - Where'd you find that image? That's awesome. I've never even SEEN a sign like that before, let alone one with a clever remark etched beside it.
     
  21. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    ?Hello. My name is Slimzar and?? Slimzar choked back tears in both his throats. Six of his eight eyes were welling up badly. ??And I?m a chocoholic.?

    First. Hilarious. Second. Where do I sign up? o_O

    Loved it! =D=
     
  22. Laine_Snowtrekker

    Laine_Snowtrekker Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 8, 2003
    Ah, so that's where Division 29 comes from. So it's really a fic within a fic within a fic within a fic, I think. No matter. I think it's cool that everything refers to each other.

    Great post! Them having a fight and missing questioning the witness. Poor Han! I do hope he somehow makes it out okay! :)
     
  23. KELIA

    KELIA Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 26, 2005
    ?Braken? Did I see your hand up??

    Braken answered, ?No, I think it was just the one finger.?


    Why do I get the feeling Braken is going to be sent to "Obscene gestures Anonymous" next? :p

    In their argument over who should question Mrs. Greedo, they failed to hear the Dark Lord of the Law asking one of them, any of them, to come up and do just that

    [face_shame_on_you] [face_shame_on_you] [face_shame_on_you] [face_shame_on_you]

    I hope at least one of them is able to pull themselves together during the break!

    Great update

    =D= =D= =D= =D=

     
  24. SithGirl132

    SithGirl132 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 6, 2005
    ?You are so immature!? Jamie hissed.

    ?So?s your face!? Braken whispered back.

    ?You?re proving my point!?

    ?I?m proving your mom!?

    ?Do not bring her into this!?


    This sounds like a conversation I might have had with my friends... [face_laugh]

    I can't wait to find out what happens at recess! I hope they have a good playground. And for some reason, I'm thinking of a how-many-lawyers-can-you-fit-on-a-seesaw kind of joke...
     
  25. Kelli_LB

    Kelli_LB Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 24, 2006
    Great update, there were so many great lines. I love that you added Jebediah Fett to the story. I loved him in "The Astoundingly Amazing, One and Only Boushh." That was a great surprise.
     
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