Saga Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy! (Han on Trial, humor, complete 5/2)

Ooh, yay, Jebediah's back!

He pushed Braken?s face closer and closer to the hundreds of chewing gum deposits left by bored schoolchildren over the years.

?Taste it! Taste it!? the killer ordered.

?I don?t want to!? Braken screamed.

?That only encourages me!? Fett screamed back.

?This is supposed to be a safe place!? Vuun cried.

Hahahahahaha!

The Bill Stickers case? That's so awesome. LOL at Trixie having to remind Mrs. Greedo to cry. And Braken and Jamie's argument - wow, that is sissy and totally immature. I love it!

Also, I agree with the moral 137,000,000%. Especially when it comes to brownies.

Great post, as always!

 

Hahaha! I am sadly without time to give you a proper response, but can I just note that I am STILL a Face fan? Awesome update(s), Nathan! And I will try to check my email more often... ahem... whoopsies.

 

I can honestly say I never expected to see the name Jebediah Fett again.

Braken took one hand off Jebediah, and used it to get his commlink. ?The police are going to come to a high school I?m in, and for once it won?t be to arrest me.?
I can easily hear Will Arnett saying this and it's delightful.

And the Dark Lord's story has me thinking about all sorts of Sith frat hijinks. A force to rival Robot House, no doubt.

 

Daena: There?s a Chicken Soup for the Jedi Soul but it?s banned, and an audience of 2-3 people just doesn?t excite publishers like one might hope.

Nat: If there?s any time to actually follow a moral from this story, that time is now.

Yod: I haven?t the slightest where it originated. It?s just one of those nebulous internet things. And it never fails to make me laugh.

Vadey: The first step is admitting you have a problem. I haven?t the slightest what the second step is.

Laine: You may have broken my brain.

KELIA:

SG: Well everyone knows the answer is a baker?s dozen. The real question is which baker are we talking about?

Kelli: I like Jebediah too, and when I came up with the idea of bounty hunters targeting Braken, I saw a chance to work him in.

?chick: Brownies are Culprit No. 1 when it comes to unnecessary nuts. Brownies are so perfect as is. Why would anyone try to add paint to a masterpiece? And on that subject, paint is another thing that does not belong in brownies.

Eruanne: Glad to hear it.

Forcefire: Oh man I just remembered Robot House. And for that I am glad.

EVERYONE: Thank you so very much for R&Ring!

---

[b]Chapter Seven[/b]


In the Imperial justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally unimportant groups. The stormtroopers who decide a person seems guilty enough to arrest, and the District Attorneys who prosecute them. These are the stories of the people who know those guys. ? Me, just now


Everyone in the courtroom spent their ninety-minute recess differently. The Dark Lord of the Law went about SithCon, looking for ways to conveniently run into his Dathomiri crush, Charal. Trixie had lunch at a nearby deli. Han sat in his holding cell, having his life ruined by characters he didn?t recognize from [i]any[/i] of the movies.

As for Braken, he went down to the police station, where Jebediah Fett was being held. The man had attempted to kill him, and Braken wanted to know why. He usually actively avoided knowledge, so it was a strange experience for him. When Braken arrived at the corridor outside the holding room, he found a stormtrooper already standing there. The trooper held his helmet under his arm, allowing Braken to recognize him.

?Skitzy!? he exclaimed brightly.

?Braken, how are you?? Skitzy opened his arms up for a hug.

Skitzy and Braken went way back. Every lawyer worth his salt has a contact within law enforcement. If a lawyer is also worth his pepper, he has several such contacts. If a lawyer is worth his [i]seasoned[/i] salt, he is sleeping with the police chief. Skitzy was Braken?s salt-earning police contact. Skitzy was so named because of his rare multiple-personality disorder, which he used to serve as both the good and the bad cop.

Braken stood just out of Skitzy?s hugging range. ?Fine, but how are [i]you?[/i] Wink.?

?I don?t think you have to actually say ?wink? every time you wink.?

?Right. Sure I don?t.? Braken winked. ?Wink.?

?I?m doing [i]great[/i], Braken. I?m on this new medication, and my moods have never been more stable! I am steady as a rock, and almost as dull. It?s just what I?ve dreamt of! You have no idea the pressures to conform I?m under as a stormtrooper. I finally fit in! I?m hitting my head on low clearances and everything!?

The lawyer frowned. ?Does that mean you don?t do the Good Cop/Bad Cop anymore??

?No no. Now I do Boring Cop/There Isn?t Another Cop. It?s like living an episode of Law & Order.*?

?I was really hoping for your help with this guy,? Braken said. He gestured to the one-way glass beside them, and the Mandalorian bounty hunter on the other side of it. ?Someone put a hit out on me.? That statement was true. ?I think he knows something.? That statement was proof that Braken had not spent much time with Jebediah. ?And I only have, like, an hour before I have to get back to court.?

Sk

 

(face_laugh)

This had me cracking up. "Life being ruined by characters he hadn't seen in the movies"! Ha ha ha ha ha.

And Zokk's been captured by the Skywalker Preachers? That can't be good, can it?

I broke your brain? How?

Thanks for the PM.

 

?Mr. Calrissian!? Icculus greeted. ?How good to see you again! What brings you to my office?? He leaned in and asked conspiratorially, ?Do you need? talent pills??

?I didn?t realize talent was something you could get pharmaceutically.?

Neither did I...

?Now cough again for me please. And smile! This is a doctor?s office, not a morgue. We?d need an official system for storing the bodies for it to be a morgue.?




Liked the update and thank you for the PM.

 

Braken stood just out of Skitzy?s hugging range. ?Fine, but how are you? Wink.?

?I don?t think you have to actually say ?wink? every time you wink.?

?Right. Sure I don?t.? Braken winked. ?Wink.?

?I?m doing great, Braken. I?m on this new medication, and my moods have never been more stable! I am steady as a rock, and almost as dull. It?s just what I?ve dreamt of! You have no idea the pressures to conform I?m under as a stormtrooper. I finally fit in! I?m hitting my head on low clearances and everything!?

The lawyer frowned. ?Does that mean you don?t do the Good Cop/Bad Cop anymore??

?No no. Now I do Boring Cop/There Isn?t Another Cop. It?s like living an episode of Law & Order.*?

This is just what I needed first thing in the morning!

 

In the Imperial justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally unimportant groups. The stormtroopers who decide a person seems guilty enough to arrest, and the District Attorneys who prosecute them. These are the stories of the people who know those guys. ? Me, just now

That's the absolute best description of the Imperial legal system I've ever read! Even if it's only the case in your story - it's perfect and should be adopted Galaxy wide.

Zokk failed to ask how this street preacher knew his mom?s boyfriend?s name. He was too excited about the prospect of someone less creepy than Mr. Veers caring about him.

Uh oh! Now you've got me about poor Zokk.

Great update



PS - Hope you enjoyed Spring Break!

 

I started laughing out loud at the beginning quote. The L&O stuff uis great Skitzy is funny, and I feel bad for poor Zokk, with his mom dating Veers The cult of Skywalker is also pretty funny And I can't wait to find out what's going on with the bounty hunter.

 

Braken stood just out of Skitzy?s hugging range. ?Fine, but how are you? Wink.?

?I don?t think you have to actually say ?wink? every time you wink.?

?Right. Sure I don?t.? Braken winked. ?Wink.?

Laugh!

?Now cough again for me please. And smile! This is a doctor?s office, not a morgue. We?d need an official system for storing the bodies for it to be a morgue.?

So...even morgues need bureaucracy now? What is this world coming to?

Zokk decided to spend his time away from the courtroom in a park down the street. He?d been there a week earlier and had a run-in with a gang of fourth-grade toughs. He hoped to resolve the grudge, and take back his rightful claim to one swing for at least ten minutes but no more than thirty.

Go Zokk! Show those little rugrats who's boss!

Uh-oh, I wonder what kind of shenanigans he'll get into with the Luke Skywalker Preacher people...

Fantabulous update!

 

I'm needing to do a bit of a catch-up here...

?Taste it! Taste it!? the killer ordered.
?I don?t want to!? Braken screamed.
?That only encourages me!? Fett screamed back.
?This is supposed to be a safe place!? Vuun cried.

heh heh! I LOL'ed. And that Bill Stickers thing was just hilarious. That, and the whole
?Do not question my whims!? the Dark Lord screamed, blasting the unfortunate man with Force lightning.
thing too. And Greg's diary entry. And Braken and Jamie's hand-slapping fight. And Braken's thinking that his mother hired the bounty hunter again. And Zokk's cross-examination of Mrs. Greedo. Loads of great stuff in that chapter!

"Boring Cop/There Isn?t Another Cop" was fun, and so was Skitzy smiled darkly. ?He?s your attorney.? I can't wait to see Jebediah's reaction to that!

Aww, I was very much looking forward to the see-saws in Chapter Seven after the promo at the end of Chapter Six, but I didn't notice any. Zokk got close to the playground, though.


?I don?t know, mister. I don?t like stress, and I don?t like tests, so I have a hard time imagining I?d like a ?stress test.??

ROFL! And Veers? That's awesome.

Great work, Face, and I'm looking forward to your next posting. So much is happening with all the characters, and I want to know more. Enjoy Spring Break!

 

I'm pleased to see Skitzy make a comeback. Adding a unique character to the faceless legions really makes him pop.

I also expect Zokk to be easily swayed by anyone who seems willing to be his friend, so I'm keen to see qhere that goes.

 

Laine: With that fic-within-fic-within-fic-within-cream-filling-within-itself business.

Daena: These medical advancements are hard to keep up with. Lord knows Icculus doesn?t.

Vadey: Perhaps I can market the fic in the Folger?s aisle.

KELIA: Indeed we can only aspire to be as justilicious as the great and noble Empire.

Nat: Zokk should be glad to have a shot at the Veers family inheritance. Eye Em Oh.

?chick: The wink+wink and Jeb?s point+point followup are two of the things I?ve written that actually make me laugh at myself. I feel kind of bad about it afterward, but not enough to change.

Thumper: I did the recess=playground joke in the first, so I didn?t want to repeat myself. But there?s no way I was going to let recess pass without at least a reference to see-saws and/or curly slides.

Forcefire: When Ben Kenobi talks about the weak-minded, he?s talking about Zokk.

All You Mugs: Thank you very much for reading and replying! <3

---

[b]Chapter Eight[/b]


The Hutts are gangstas. Fresh ?til death. ? Captain Panaka


Dr. Icculus walked back into the room with a fresh new clipboard. ?Mr. Calrissian, I have your results back.?

?How is it??

?Well, your skin ranks a smiley face, and your ear, nose, throat, and spleen rank a frowny face. So you average out at inquisitive duck.?*

?I?see.? Jamie found himself in the unenviable position of missing Dr. Evazan.

?But I don?t want to bore you with jargon. In layman?s terms ? wait, [i]are[/i] you a layman??

?I?m a lawyer.?

Icculus laughed ? once, sharply. ?Wow! I don?t know [i]why[/i] I had you pegged as a layman. Hunh. Okay, let me explain it in lawyerman?s terms. Your lungs are like a burlap bag. And you?ve stuffed a particularly pungent dead cat in your burlap bag. Metaphorically. Maybe literally too, but I?d have to run some scans to be certain.?

?Has any poor soul evah actually had a dead cat in their lungs?? asked Jamie.

?Well, despite my hopes, no,? Icculus admitted. ?But if science teaches us anything, it?s that if you can dream it ? it?s possible.?

?What do you recommend, doctah??

Icculus leaned in, and said very seriously, ?The gundark pasta at this lovely restaurant on 5th. I know what you?re thinking ? gundark? But it is su[i]perb![/i]?

Jamie stared.

?Oh, you mean what do I recommend [i]medically.[/i] I thought you were asking me as a waiter.?

?Are you a waiter too??

Icculus frowned, as if the very question offended him. ?No.?

Jamie tried valiantly not to cry.

?Jamie, I?d like to put you on three different medicines. Now we never really know how medications will interact until we luck out and string together a combo-breaker. But hopefully, this combination will repair the damage done to your respiratory system, sinuses, and spleen. [i]And[/i] you?ll keep your rhyming.?

?That?s [i]won[/i]derful, de[i]light[/i]ful, [i]bount[/i]iful!? He started hacking uncontrollably.

?See, that?s what we?d like to avoid,? Icculus said. He wiped the phlegm from his lab coat and scraped it off his palm and onto the nearest counter. He gave Jamie the three capsules, each containing numerous pills. ?The red ones are particularly excellent,? he confided. ?Wink.?


* Y:,?


* * * * * *

Jebediah Fett was skeptical to say the least. Well, maybe not the least. Silence would be saying less than that, certainly. ?He?s not my lawyer!?

?Sure he is.?

?This is the guy I tried to kill,? Jeb pointed out. ?I am almost sure of it.?

?Exactly!? Braken said. ?Who knows your case better??

?Hmmm? That does make a lotta sense,? admitted Jeb.

?Now,? Skitzy said, taking a seat across from the bounty hunter, ?who is it that wants Starblaster dead??

Almost before Skitzy even finished speaking, Braken said, ?As your counsel, I advise you to answer that question!?

Jeb shrugged. ?Well, I dunno, a lot of people probably. He seems like the kinda guy

 

Poor Braken. And Jabba is hilarious Loving Skitzy.

 

?Well, your skin ranks a smiley face, and your ear, nose, throat, and spleen rank a frowny face. So you average out at inquisitive duck.?*

?I?see.? Jamie found himself in the unenviable position of missing Dr. Evazan.

?But I don?t want to bore you with jargon. In layman?s terms ? wait, are you a layman??

?I?m a lawyer.?

Icculus laughed ? once, sharply. ?Wow! I don?t know why I had you pegged as a layman. Hunh. Okay, let me explain it in lawyerman?s terms. Your lungs are like a burlap bag. And you?ve stuffed a particularly pungent dead cat in your burlap bag. Metaphorically. Maybe literally too, but I?d have to run some scans to be certain.?

 

But does Braken Starblaster know when to walk away, and when to run?



?Jamie, I?d like to put you on three different medicines. Now we never really know how medications will interact until we luck out and string together a combo-breaker. But hopefully, this combination will repair the damage done to your respiratory system, sinuses, and spleen.

One of these combos could give you a 2X bonus to your defense stats!!



So Jabba wrote a version of the popular grammar guidebook? Fascinating.

I love your inquisitive duck emoticon, by the way.

 

And I say gangsta, because that?s what he was. It?s a common misunderstanding that the Hutts are gangsters, when, in fact, Jabba and his ilk are actually gangstas who represent thug life regardless of any and all haters. [Ed. Note: Word.]

I loved this chapter, especially that line, it was pure genius. I love your portrayal of Jabba.

 

Loved Dr. Icculus' way of diagnosing poor Jamie.

I?m Jabba the Hutt and I?m here to say/I came to testify in a major way.



A rapping Hutt....now that's a disturbing image!

Great update

 

Was laughing through the whole scene in the doctors office... That doc? Awesomeness.

*blinks* a rapping Hutt? Wow...


Well done, Face.

 

The image of Jabba with a purple fedora, rapping, is one that perfectly cheers me up after this onslaught of DRL. Love the story and can't wait for more!

 

Skitzy could have an imaginary soundtrack moment every update and I would be perfectly happy with it.

I think the best part of Jabba rapping is the use of the "... and I'm here to say" rhyme scheme, which actually makes him a little pathetic, universal translation aside.

Also, the electro-piano having hung there for the duration of the trial so far is a nice touch.

 

Nat: But they?re all big hits at parties!

Vadey: Cat-in-bag disease is a serious affliction, you know?

Yod: Braken only knows when to run away (always).

Oh yeah. That?s right, folks, come to ?Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy!?, your source for Elements of Style jokes.

Kelli: That entire Jabba gag comes from the Episode I quote joke at the front of the chapter. This often happens to my throwaways.

KELIA: Incompetent examples of intelligence-demanding occupations are really funny to me, whether they?re lawyers or doctors.

Daena: I wonder if C-3P0 would be equally def in translating him?

SithGirl: Dude knows how to accessorize.

Forcefire: I hate to let an electro-piano go to waste. Whatever an electro-piano is?

EVERYBODY: Thank you very much for reading!!

---

[b]Chapter Nine[/b]


Let the Wookiee win. ? Attichitcuk For Chieftain campaign catchphrase



It was a long-standing tradition that several lawyers from Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine gathered at Braken?s apartment for sabacc every week. The players were Braken himself, Jamie, Zokk, and CL-113/9 the clone lawyer. They used to play with an Ortolan stenographer, but he?d died near the end of the Skywalker trial, from a speeder bomb meant to kill Braken. The four lawyers had yet to notice his demise.

?Where [i]is[/i] Todd?? Jamie asked.

?Probably getting his nails done or something,? Braken scoffed. ?Sissy never has time for cards any more. Well screw that dude.?

?Braken,? Zokk said sagely, ?there is no anger.?

?What?s wrong with Zokk?? CL asked, tossing a few chips into the pot. ?I?ll raise.?

Braken matched CL?s bet. ?Oh, he got suckered in by that Skywalker cult and now just because he knows the secrets of the universe and happiness, he?s such a nirvana-bound big shot.?

Zokk sniffed haughtily. ?Your mockery of the First Skywalkerian Jedi Disciples Church only shows how bitter and dissatisfied you are with life, Mr. Starblaster. [i]I?ve[/i] found purpose.? He leaned over to Braken, and lowered his voice. ?The Disciples hug me in a way you never would ? in [i]real life.[/i]?

?Zokk,? Jamie said, ?I am con[i]cern[/i]ed, con[i]flict[/i]ed, consti[i]pat[/i]ed to see you get involved in that charlatan?s confidence scheme. Luke Skywalker is just a man. He?s not going to save the galaxy, nor your soul. I?m afraid they?re taking advantage of you.?

?They are not!? Zokk cried. ?They want to help me, and you all can?t stand it!?

CL raised his drink to the young man. ?I think it?s wonderful that you?ve found religion, Zokk. Braken, read the cards in my hand, and be driven to tears.? He laid his cards down, showing a jack, the left bower, the right bower, and the Jack Bauer.

?----,? Braken bleeped under his breath. He slapped his hand face-down onto the table.

CL happily scooped up his winnings. ?Say, Jamie, you didn?t cough up a lung when you rhymed just now. What gives??

?Oh, Doctah Icculus has me on these new medications. Ah?ve nevah felt better.?

Braken raised an eyebrow. ?You?re not feeling [i]anything[/i] right now, are you??

Jamie grinned widely. ?And it?s splendid!?

?The answer to feeling better isn?t in a pill, Mr. Calrissian,? Zokk interjected with disappointment.

Braken tossed a few cards at Zokk?s face. ?Shut up and deal, kid.?

?Yes sir.?

?How?s the stand-up comedy routine going, CL?? Braken asked.

[i]CL-113/9 stands before an audience filled with clone soldiers. ?Does anybody else have a suggestion for a famous clone I can do an impression of? I heard TK-421 from this section over here.?[/i]

?It?s a niche,? he said.

?Don?t you miss the law? Don?t you just wanna come back and win one more case? Go out on something exciting like a murder trial??

?I take it your case isn?t going well,? the clone deadpanned. He folded.

Braken acted shocked by the suggestion. ?Ha, what? That?s ridiculous. We?re doing?uh?great!?

CL raised an

 

Jamie said, ?Even if Trixie were interested in you, Braken, you couldn?t pursue it. She abandoned her duty to the glorious, righteous, pretentious Empire. She may not be in the Alliance, but she wanted to be. As someone who respected her, I hate ta say this. But she?s a traitor, Braken.?

?Your face is a traitor!? came Braken?s retort.

Loved this little exchange!

 

Another great chapter Face. I love that Zokk is now a member of a Skywalker cult, it seems like something he would do. I was also laughing about Braken trying (but never succeeding) to make amends for all the things he did because of chocoholism.

 

That was a generalized awesome. I'm gonna have to just go with the triplets on this one: