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Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness (Luke on Trial, humor - complete 8/7)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by The_Face, Jun 25, 2007.

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  1. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

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    Feb 22, 2003
    Title: Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness
    Author: The_Face
    Timeframe: 1.5 months post-ANH
    Characters: Braken Starblaster, Luke Skywalker, OC lawyers, and various canon guest spots
    Genre: Humor, AU
    Keywords: Lawyers, court, trial, Empire, Death Star, insanity
    Summary: An incompetent Imperial lawyer is assigned the case of the century ? defending Luke Skywalker, the man accused of destroying the Death Star. Hijinks ensue accordingly.
    Notes: This fic is very strange. It is supposed to be. I hope you like it.

    Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Star Wars characters, locations, objects, concepts, particles, etc. Nor do I claim to characterize any of them in a recognizable fashion. :p Apologies/"neener-neener" to those I spoof and/or pay homage to, too many to list here. It's all in love.


    [B]Chapter One[/B]

    There is an obscure planet on the very edge of the Outer Rim that is not in itself physically remarkable, unless you count the fact that it is about to be destroyed. However, it has an intriguing quasi-democratic society of beaver-seagull-men that includes four major divisions of government. The first is the legislative, which makes up laws and ordinances to better the condition of the people (and hopefully their lobbyists too). The second is the executive, which consists of the beaver-seagull-woman with the best-looking quills (called Miss Figurehead) and her advisors (who, luckily, happen to be wise on that planet). The third, and most remarkable, is the justilicious branch. No one is sure why it?s called that. At any rate, it is where lawbreakers are brought before a court of a fair-minded judge and fair-minded citizens. Vile offenders are jailed and the innocent are freed with a 100% success rate, which seems impossible, but obviously isn?t. The fourth branch is Ringo, on drums.

    But this story is not about the planet Quimeran. It is about the government responsible for its destruction, the outlandish and improbable way that government dealt with its greatest rebellion, and a system that is not quite as justilicious.

    Which brings us to a fellow named Starblaster. Braken Starblaster, space attorney.

    ******

    Braken sat in a hovertrain moving 700 kilometers an hour with his arm around Trixie McVzlste, who, since the start of the trip, had broken up with him eighteen times and counting. This was not a matter of reconciliation. It was a matter of Braken being too stupid for her to make him understand they were broken up.

    ?Braken,? she sighed.

    ?Yes dear?? The lawyer turned to what he thought was still his petite blonde girlfriend. In fact, she had died her hair bright purple a week ago to see if Braken would notice. The insensitive jerk had not, thus the last straw. Thus the 18 break-ups. Little did she know Braken was color-blind to the difference between blonde and bright purple. He was, however, an insensitive jerk.

    ?I think we should see other people.?

    ?I see people all the time, Trixie. Heck, there?s at least 30 people in this hovertrain car alone!?

    ?I mean romantically. Date other people.?

    Braken frowned suspiciously. ?That seems like it would cut into our together-time.?

    Trixie struggled to keep the rage from her face. ?That?s the point, Braken. I think it?s over.?

    ?Why??

    ?It?s not you,? she lied. ?It?s me.?

    ?I?m fine with you.?

    ?Okay, it?s all you. I don?t love you. Get that through your thick skull, please! I! Hate! You!?

    ?So the dinner this weekend is off??

    ?Yes! Every dinner is off!?

    ?Won?t we get hungry??

    That?s when she threw him off the train.

    This may seem extraordinary, but is not for several reasons, which are as follows:

    One, Braken had been that offensively dumb their entire relationship. Trixie?s hate had been bottling up a long time, and been shaken around a lot. Violence was the fizz of weeks of rage.

    Two, they were on the planet Kressel. No, not Kessel. People always make that mistake, and quite frankly, Kressel is sick of it. Kressel is not a desolate red spice-rich desert prison-world. It is a lightly-populated red paprika-rich desert world with three prison cells, one of which is always holding the wacky local drunk, who killed 13 men and didn’t pay his taxes. Anyway, Kressel has a very weak gravitational force. So Braken was light enough for Trixie to toss out.

    Three, the train window was made of weak Alderaanian starglass. When Alderaan was destroyed a month and a half earlier, the notorious smuggler Tonno Two-Heads was carrying a shipload of sand offworld, thinking for whatever reason that it was something of value. The explosion of the planet crystallized the load. But a corporation recovered the resulting glass and sold it as the remnants of Alderaan. It is of terrible quality (and thus, easy to throw a lawyer through), but had a slick marketing campaign. (Incidentally, Tonno died a horrible death.)

    Braken fell through the starglass, thinking for sure he was doomed. He felt something hard hit him, but not the ground. He opened his eyes and looked around. It was durasteel. He was on the outside of a train headed the opposite direction. Now [I]this [/I]may seem extraordinary. It is.

    “This,” he said, “is extraordinary.”

    Braken had fallen out at the moment two trains passed each other – exactly three hours after the other train embarked 3200 kilometers from the station from which Braken’s (henceforth Train A) left. They met ¾ of the way to the other train’s point of origin. Ignoring planetary curvature and assuming constant speed, find x.

    Braken looked at the rocky desert ground speeding by below at 700 kilometers an hour. He brushed some paprika off his sleeve and noticed a slight rip in his shirt from a rivet he’d caught on. He dramatically growled three words.

    “I should sue.”


    ******

    A hawkbat who was not Braken Starblaster swept majestically across the deep cloudless blue sky, followed by two dozen more of his kind in a triangle formation. Their epic flight over an exotic mountain range stopped. The hawkbats’ wings froze in mid-flap, and the holo played the six-second clip again. Beneath the video hovered the words [I]CONFORMITY: You are like your fingerprints… exactly the same.[/I]

    The holo was of the EmpInspirations motivational series for offices throughout the galaxy. The Empire was the only organization that bought them, and was now burdened with an incredible surplus. The only saving grace was that the line was discontinued, since everyone who worked at EmpInspirations had since committed suicide.

    This holo-poster, and many like it, covered practically every centimeter of wallspace at the legal offices of Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine. This is the workplace of the Empire’s lawyers, including Braken Starblaster, a vaguely handsome but oily meathead who’d walked into the office just as the identical hawkbats swept majestically for the 41,376th time. As omniscient narrator, that is the kind of crap I am cursed to know. Not to mention every innermost thought Jabba’s ever had – [I]that[/I] ain’t a picnic.

    Anyway, Braken walked in. (Ed. Note: You went all that way when three words would do? You owe me a minute of my life, jerk. Cut all of it.) He saw a fellow lawyer talking to a clone in an adjoining hallway.

    “No, I’m not convinced you’re Jango Fett, and even if you [I]were[/I], you couldn’t claim an entire army of clones for tax deductions.”

    Braken kept walking. A young man with shaggy brown hair stepped into his path – his intern, Zokk Hopscotcher. “Oh, Braken, you’re back! Did you have a nice trip? Trixie came back, like, hours ago. I thought you were traveling together?”

    Braken blinked. He wasn’t entirely sure of anything Zokk had just said in all that chattering. “We hate Trixie now,” he informed the suggestible young lad.

    “Okay!” he said brightly. “Oh, can you help me with this?” He produced an improbably thick brown folder and rooted through the flimsi sheets inside. “What does it mean here by ‘extralegal’?”

    “It’s [I]extra[/I]legal, Zokk,” Braken said with a tone that implied this concept was simpler than breathing. “That means it’s even [I]more[/I] legal than usual. The government encourages it. Paying your taxes early, for example. Buying a portrait of the Emperor. The kind of things people get merit badges and employee of the month awards for.” He puffed up his chest and raised his chin to look just over Zokk’s head. “Excellence.”

    Zokk frowned, confused. “Really? ‘Cause this is referring to flying a TIE Fighter while intoxicated and blowing up half a docking bay in the process.”

    Braken raised an eyebrow at the shorter human. He said, “Oh. Well I don’t consider traffic law canon.”

    “Hmm. By the way, Mr. Doufoom wants to see you in his office.”

    “What does he want?”

    “To see you in his office,” Zokk repeated, slower and louder.

    Braken sighed. His protégé was a bit of an idiot. So was he, but he was too stupid to know that.

    He navigated the grey, holo-poster-lined corridors of Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine until he found the office of Ajian Cyrus Doufoom, his boss and generally Imperial guy. The door was open, so Braken poked his head in. “You wanted to see me, sir?”

    Ajian glanced up at Braken over his eyeglasses. He was a human male in his 50s, with hair swept back so far it seemed as if it would pull him away by the scalp at any moment. Or at least it seemed that way if you had an overactive imagination, time on your hands to examine his ‘do, and a hallucination problem. He is played by Christopher Walken. “Ah, Starblaster. You’re late.”

    “Trixie dumped me…”

    “To say I’m surprised would be a lie.”

    “…Out the hovertrain.”

    “We could trade excuses all day,” Ajian said, “but there’s business to… attend to. You have a case. I already gave… CL-113/9 the file. You two… will… be… working together on this one. He should be meeting with the client… already in Room 3A. You’re late.”

    “She put me [I]through[/I] the window,” Braken said.

    Ajian held up a hand and put his commlink to his face.

    “Beeeeeeep,” said the dialtone.

    Ajian said, “I have to take this, Braken.”

    “…Right.” Braken turned and walked out of the office. He headed down the hallway and went in search of Room 3A in the labyrinthine building. He found it three meters away from Doufoom’s office, just under eight minutes later. Like I said, labyrinthine. And, again, Braken was a bit of an idiot.

    “Hi there, sorry I’m late. Braken Starblaster, space attorney.” He extended a hand to a pale, haunted-looking man dressed entirely in black. “And you’re a… cosmo-ninja?”

    “I have slain many cosmo-ninjas, and they are not to be trifled with, nor made a joke,” the man replied.

    Braken turned to CL-113/9, a clone in a suit with a Mandalorian-print on his necktie. “What’s the story?”

    CL handed him several sheets of flimsiplast, stapled together, and Braken examined it. The document was full of muddled legal speech and those paragraph-sentences chock-full of extremely dependent clauses that huddle around each other for empathy and, while lacking in periods, enthusiastically overcompensate with commas and the occasional semicolon, and for this reason Braken had to read over it a few (a few being nine in this case) times – first for the main framework, which turned out to be two words long, seven times for all the ideas, and another time for review because he drifted off during the eighth read-through – before he finally understood, and could be fully and knowledgeably bored with the whole thing.

    “And I take it you’re Henshu Vennom?”

    “I am the shadow of mortality, present in all th–”

    “Yeah, great,” interrupted Braken. “You’re practicing the Dark Side without a license.”

    Henshu glared and crossed his arms. “No document, or man’s law, can regulate the power of the dark power that fl–”

    Braken addressed CL. “I wasn’t aware – and continue not to care – that the Force was regulated so.”

    “It is,” the other lawyer replied. “We’re up against the Official Galactic Bureau of Official Force-User Registration Bureau (Ed. Note: Patent pending) here. It’s not looking good.”

    Henshu scoffed. “You weaklings should not rely on su–”

    “Shut up,” both lawyers told their client.

    “Braken, can I see you outside for a moment?” CL suggested. They stepped out of the room and into the hallway, in front of a holo-poster that read [I]FEAR: If a Pretty Picture and Touching Saying Don’t Motivate You, Threats Will.[/I]

    “What is it?” Braken asked. “Do you have an idea for how to win this ridiculous case?”

    “No,” the clone replied, “I have this great bit for my stand-up routine, and I think this is what’s gonna make my career take off. Okay, first I do the Born Man voice, and use lots of stereotypes and make him seem like a real nerd, then I do this super-cool Clone Man voice…”

    “CL, we don’t have time for your comedian dreams and… Wait, there are stereotypes for people who have parents?”

    “If you’re curious, you all sunburn easily and love nerfsteak.”

    “Let’s just get back to work.”

    “Braken,” he said earnestly, “I don’t think you [I]understand[/I] how much the Born Man loves nerfsteak. It’s [I]way[/I] more than anyone possibly could!”



    [B]Today’s Moral[/B]: Exaggeration. Not always that funny.>
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2019
  2. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    Oh, my gosh. Face, you are absolutely hilarious!! I mean, bloody brilliant!! Very nice job writing like Douglas Adams, by the way -- especially with that bit in the beginning about the planet that was about to get blown up. And nice Ringo reference :D

    I'd quote my favorite part, but I'd be quoting most of the story. I absolutely love it!!! Please keep me on the PM list :)
     
  3. JadeSolo

    JadeSolo Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Sep 20, 2002
    Oh.My.God. I hurt myself laughing, and then I almost started crying. Not because I hurt myself, but because it was really funny. :p

    Where do I start??? Favorite lines...

    x=42

    Absolute most favorite line. Seriously, I'm still laughing.

    I cracked up when I saw the ellipses. Brilliant!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] And the lawyer-speak part was just perfect. I loved that paragraph-sentence.

    If you bottled your humor and sold it, you'd be a very rich man because I'd corner the market. PM me, please. :D
     
  4. Obi-Zahn Kenobi

    Obi-Zahn Kenobi Jedi Grand Master star 7

    Registered:
    Aug 23, 1999
    You're brilliant!
     
  5. palpyisgod2

    palpyisgod2 Jedi Master star 2

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    Aug 7, 2005
    Love this! PM's here-->
     
  6. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Holy [face_cow]!!!!

    This was funny as hell. It's great to see this up.

    There were so many excellent one-liners that I could probably quote the whole thing, but I'm too lazy. So I'll choose my favorite:

    Extralegal: ?That means it?s even more legal than usual.



    =D=
     
  7. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    Hee hee, awesome start on this!

    The Douglas Adams-esque wording and tone was well done. If JadeSolo is correct about x=42 (I got some bad flashbacks from seeing a dreaded...*gasp* Word Problem, [face_skull] so I ain't gonna doublecheck the answer myself :p), then I'd say you hit upon the Ultimate Question, except it wasn't really a question. [face_thinking] It was more of a group of declarative sentences with an imperative at the end. Ultimate Imperative? Ultimate Word Problem? ([link=http://www.sadinoff.com/fun/math-humor/tn/find-x.jpg.html]This[/link] is secretly still my favorite way to find x. :p)

    But anyway, I'm digressing even more than normal. There were so many great lines in this story that I can't list them all, but I think this part eeks out as my favorite:

    Ajian held up a hand and put his commlink to his face.
    ?Beeeeeeep,? said the dialtone.
    Ajian said, ?I have to take this, Braken.?


    The motivational posters were a great touch, too.

    I'm looking forward to following this group of colorful characters, meeting more (JusticeTron? I'm really curious about that one.) and seeing what zany things they do. :) Please add me to the PM list.

    -Thumper
     
  8. jedi_of_ennth

    jedi_of_ennth Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2005
    [face_laugh] :_| [face_laugh] Absolutely, totally brilliant. Love the Douglas Adams vibe. Add me to the PM list. :D
     
  9. talkingbanana

    talkingbanana Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 4, 2003
    Face! You started a new story and didn't tell me! How do I get on the permanent new story PM list? ;)

    Anyway, it looks like another summer of wacky Face humor is off to a good start. The whole idea of a lawyer being that stupid (extralegal = more legal than normal? [face_laugh] ) is hilarious to begin with, and I can't wait to see what you come up with next.

    And Starblaster defending the guy who blew up the real star-blaster? Wouldn't expect anything less in a name from you. :p

    Loved this part:

    The document was full of muddled legal speech and those paragraph-sentences chock-full of extremely dependent clauses that huddle around each other for empathy and, while lacking in periods, enthusiastically overcompensate with commas and the occasional semicolon, and for this reason Braken had to read over it a few (a few being nine in this case) times â?? first for the main framework, which turned out to be two words long, seven times for all the ideas, and another time for review because he drifted off during the eighth read-through â?? before he finally understood, and could be fully and knowledgeably bored with the whole thing.

    I also enjoyed the Demotivator posters, great knock-off. ;)

    Keep up the good work, Face! :D
     
  10. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    NYCitygurl: Ringo shows up on the end of just about every gag list I make. It has yet to get old - for me at least.

    JadeSolo: Self abuse is not the answer! ;)

    x=42

    A+

    Walken as Ajian was in the fic from fairly early on, but shortly before I posted this chapter I realized what was missing to drive that experience home. Oddly-placed... pauses.

    oqi, you picked my favorite line. :D

    Thumper, there's no way Jade can be correct (other than that 42 is always correct), because I never said what the heck x was supposed to represent. It just came out of nowhere at the end. You could, however, probably calculate the other train's velocity. I wouldn't, and refuse to try.

    I'd seen the math answers before, but they were still just as funny the second time around. [face_laugh]

    [quote='nanner]How do I get on the permanent new story PM list?[/quote]

    By asking that nicely. ;)

    The Demotivators would be so perfect for the Empire, I thought I'd make some up just for them. (Confused onlookers, I direct you to despair.com, one of the funniest places on the web)

    Thanks so much for all the kind words, everybody! [face_love] x 8

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  11. Luton_Plunder

    Luton_Plunder Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Face, to say this is fantastic is no small understatement. But it is fantastic. It is every bit as funny as a shot of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy mixed with a healthy dose of Jasper Fforde, except better because the Face style and humour is shining through :D

    Quoting my favourite parts would be frivolous, but a short list would be: Extralegal, We Hate Trixie Now, "To. See. You. In. His. Office.", The Bornman, Tonno Two-Heads...my goodness. Tooo much to like :D

    I'm humbly requesting to be put on the Update list for this story! Cant wait for more
     
  12. Jedi_Eruanne

    Jedi_Eruanne Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 17, 2005
    *cough-choke* Remind me not to even SWALLOW while reading you stories! It's DANGEROUS! [face_laugh]

    Do I get to be on the 'Special Double Secret "Any New Story" PM list'? Or am I already on it? ;) *huggles* Thanks for writing a fanmarvical new story for me to read!
     
  13. lordmaul13

    lordmaul13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 18, 2000
    Which brings us to a fellow named Starblaster. Braken Starblaster, space attorney.

    Absolutely hilarious! I?m definitely keeping an eye on this one.

    ~lordmaul13
     
  14. 1Yodimus_Prime

    1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 13, 2004
    I see you took the 'narrator who is self-aware' concept and pushed it a step further by adding 'and the editor who hates him'. Brilliant! The insane opening was very Douglas Adams. I see a very clear Monty Python inspiration here too. To skim the surface. I expect you to PM me when you update, or I'll sue.


    I love their agency. "Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine" cracked me up!!


    ?Hmm. By the way, Mr. Doufoom wants to see you in his office.?

    ?What does he want??

    ?To see you in his office,? Zokk repeated, slower and louder.


    ^^^ Awesome! reminds me of that joke, "What does a yellow light mean?" "Slow down." "*sigh* What....does...a...yellow..." etc. I love that stuff.



    Ajian glanced up at Braken over his eyeglasses. He was a human male in his 50s, with hair swept back so far it seemed as if it would pull him away by the scalp at any moment. Or at least it seemed that way if you had an overactive imagination, time on your hands to examine his ?do, and a hallucination problem. He is played by Christopher Walken.


    Damn it! You beat me to the offhanded 'he is played by' joke!! Now it's gonna look like I stole it from you. :p


    ?I am the shadow of mortality, present in all th??

    ?Yeah, great,? interrupted Braken. ?You?re practicing the Dark Side without a license.?

    This is pure "Birdman: Attorney at Law" gold

    Will we be getting a moral at the end of every chapter?
    Because that would also be awesome.
     
  15. BigE

    BigE Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2002
    This is hilarious, and if you don't add me to the PM list I'll join Yodimus in the suit...the legal suit I mean.

    ?No, I?m not convinced you?re Jango Fett, and even if you were, you couldn?t claim an entire army of clones for tax deductions.?

    [face_laugh] Well, you can't blame Jango for trying.


    ?Ah, Starblaster. You?re late.?

    ?Trixie dumped me??

    ?To say I?m? surprised would be a lie.?

    ??Out the hovertrain.?

    ?We could trade excuses all day,? Ajian said, ?but there?s business to? attend to.


    Typical workplace superior. No excuses. ;)

    I also appreciate the Douglas Adams feel, the 'Demotivator', and Christopher Walken bits. All together it's shaping up to be a classic.
     
  16. brodiew

    brodiew Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Oct 11, 2005
    Now that was a fun ride, Face! When does Luke come on the scene?

    I loved the editorial notes, and other Imperial asides. The fact the Braken is clueless about his cluelessness is another fun hook.

    Will you PM me when you update?
     
  17. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    LP, welcome aboard. "To... see... you... in... his... office" is the kind of comment Jav might make if he were feeling particularly literal, or Zokk if he were feeling particularly dim (always).

    *dispatches medical aid to Dorthea*

    I had a couple Editor's Notes near the end of The Astoundingly Amazing, One and Only Boushh, but this time around they have character. :p Planet Hopping provided some of the inspiration for this story (Harvey Birdman is another source), so I'm quite excited you're liking it.

    [face_whistling] Bwahaha...

    You will, in fact, be getting a moral per chapter. It's just a throwaway gag that ties the post together - really an excuse for abruptly ending chapters. ;)

    Oh noes, BigE's gonna make it a class action! [face_worried]

    Maybe it was Boba trying to cash in. Ah, they all look the same to me [Ed. Note: Clone-ism is only funny when CL-113/9 does it to born people, so stop that right now, mister!].

    brodiew, Luke comes in with Chapter Three IIRC. Ch. 1 sets up the concept and characters, Ch. 2 continues setting up characters as well as the trial of Luke Skywalker, Ch. 3 onward deal with said trial.

    Thanks so much, everybody! Really appreciate the reads 'n' replies.

    Next chapter will be up somewhere between Saturday morning and Monday night.

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  18. amidalachick

    amidalachick Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    I started laughing at the "Notes" and haven't stopped.

    This is gonna be a fun ride. PM when you update plz. :D
     
  19. Mjsullivan

    Mjsullivan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 8, 2003
    Face, I am in awe. In such awe that I have emerged from the depths of nowhere in order to post a comment here :p This story is great! Like everyone else has said, very douglasadamsesque crossed with all the best bits of every good british comedy, but with plenty of trademark Face? panache. That's right. Panache.



    ?Hmm. By the way, Mr. Doufoom wants to see you in his office.?

    ?What does he want??

    ?To see you in his office,? Zokk repeated, slower and louder.



    My favourite joke of the whole piece, which shows my immaturity Im sure, but whatever :p This is going to be a brilliant story, so sign me up to that PM list :D In fact, throw me on the double-amazing-extra-awesome-slightly-giddying permanent "Any New Story" PM list!
     
  20. Forcefire

    Forcefire Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 17, 2000
    A worthy start, to be sure.

    A lot of people consider Ringo to be the weakest branch of government, but really, his checks and balances gave the others the rhythm they needed to govern better than anyone else.

    This is a beautiful thing.

    I also enjoy the Walken bit. But did you ever consider italics from time to time? Or maybe that's taking it too far.

    Two more choice bits from the highly enjoyable whole: cosmo-ninja is a concept that is blowing my mind even now, and the stand-up bits were a hoot.
     
  21. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    amidalachick: Will do.

    Mjs: Ooh, panache. :cool:

    Forcefire: [face_laugh] You?re so right about Ringo.

    Thanks for R&Ring, all!

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    [b]Chapter Two[/b]

    ?If the saber?s not lit, you must acquit!? ? Jamie Calrissian, [i]Kenobi v. Vader II[/i]


    ?Hello sir, welcome to the Official Galactic Bureau of Official Force-User Registration Bureau. Please take a number and wait in the lobby.?

    The droid handed Braken a slip of paper that read ?A NUMBER.? He looked up. The lobby was completely empty except for six grey steel chairs and a magazine rack. He sat down, finding the metal extremely uncomfortable. Twenty minutes of silence later, he flipped through the magazines. [i]Military Strategy Illustrated, Empire Today, Tauntaun Enthusiast?s, Moffs of the Empire: The Same Uniform As Always Issue, O, Propaganda Weekly, Vader?s Digest[/i]? Braken finally ended up doing the maze from a [i]Highlights for Younglings[/i], guiding Vader?s stormtroopers through a blockade runner to find the passengers and bring them to him alive. He ended up having the tear the ship apart. He nonchalantly slipped the remnants of the magazine back into the rack. Thirty more minutes had passed.

    [image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/Tauntaun_Enthusiasts.jpg]
    [i]The Kelona issue[/i]

    At an even hour, the droid spoke again, but not to Braken, the only living thing there, or even to any specific non-living thing. It said, ?Solo, party of two. Solo? party of two.?

    Ten minutes later, the droid said, ?Duo, party of one. Duo.? It was then that Braken started to wonder if the droid was just screwing with him.

    Twenty minutes after that, Braken declared to the still empty room, ?I?ll give them fifteen more minutes, then I?m out of here.?

    The door opened, and a bespectacled, mustachioed man with curly black hair entered. This was Jamie Calrissian, lawyer of the cosmos. Jamie had won more cases than you can even think about. He?s successfully defended his clients against a wide spectrum of crimes, which they did, and successfully jailed many people for things they didn?t do. All the while using courtroom theatrics, a flamboyant personality, and often rhyme-speak, or, if necessary, Nubian haikus in iambic pentameter. But that he reserved for desperate times.

    ?Braken!? Jamie exclaimed, grinning widely. ?My friend, this is unex[i]pec[/i]ted, un[i]warrant[/i]ed, and unre[i]quit[/i]ed!?

    ?Sure is,? Braken agreed. He had a lot of words to look up later.

    ?What brings you to th? OGBOOFURB?? Jamie asked.

    ?Jamie, you know I don?t speak Nubian poetry.?

    ?The O-G-B-O-O-F-U-R-B,? he spelled. ?Ogboofurb isn?t a word in any language.? Like most things that come from Jamie?s mouth, that wasn?t true. It [i]is[/i] a word in Quimeranian, and it means ?one whose flatulence moves the mountains to tears.? It came up more often than you?d think. Though not much anymore, largely because the Quimeranians are dead.

    ?Oh,? Braken said. ?Research. I?m representing a guy being sued by this place.?

    ?And I am here helping the bureau prosecute someone! What are the [i]odds[/i], Starblaster? [i]What[/i] are the odds??

    Braken frowned. ?What [i]are[/i] the odds?? he murmured.

    As you?ve guessed by now, Jamie was opposing counsel. If you hadn?t guessed, um, [hl][color=black]spoiler alert?[/color][/hl]

    ?How does this place work anyway??

    ?Well,? Jamie said, ?thousands of years ago, Darth Bane signed the Bill of Two into Rule as Amendment VII of the Sith Code.* So only two Sith. That?d be Vader and the Emperor.?

    ?Okay.?

    ?But there?s a bunch of other Force-users about, who aren?t Sith. The Dark Jedi, the Emperor?s Hands,>
     
  22. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    And where's my PM?

    (reads special friend list) You're breaking my heart, Face!!! :_|

    How dare you not include me on the Double-Amazing-Extra-Awesome-Slightly-Giddying Permanent Any New Story PM List (a registered trademark of Mjsullivan)????


    Despite the abuse, I still loved it and laughed through my tears...

    At an even hour, the droid spoke again, but not to Braken, the only living thing there, or even to any specific non-living thing. It said, ?Solo, party of two. Solo? party of two.?

    Ten minutes later, the droid said, ?Duo, party of one. Duo.? It was then that Braken started to wonder if the droid was just screwing with him.

    Twenty minutes after that, Braken declared to the still empty room, ?I?ll give them fifteen more minutes, then I?m out of here.?


    Brilliant, I love droids who like to annoy.


    Again, more laughter through my bitter tears...

    ?The O-G-B-O-O-F-U-R-B,? he spelled. ?Ogboofurb isn?t a word in any language.? Like most things that come from Jamie?s mouth, that wasn?t true. It is a word in Quimeranian, and it means ?one whose flatulence moves the mountains to tears.? It came up more often than you?d think. Though not much anymore, largely because the Quimeranians are dead.


    I love it when I get the chance to learn new words.


    At recess?

    Jamie Calrissian walked past the jungle gym, where the stenographer was hanging upside down by her legs. He could see Braken across the shockball half-court, spinning Attorney CL-113/9 on the merry-go-round as the clone tried ? and failed ? to have a serious discussion with him about the case. Jamie shook his head. This was all too easy. Beating Braken was almost so unsporting as to make him stop. But then he remembered his lack of scruples.



    This makes me miss law school. I shouldn't have quite after a year, maybe I would have gotten to have recess too. :)

    Luke charged with genocide? Egads! I bet the emperor wants him to fry.



    Fantastic and super funny update.


    Long live Miss Cleo-- [face_peace] peace out!





    :mad: Psst! Put me on the PM list.



    Plz [face_batting]

     
  23. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    I love the editor's notes!! And Yoda writing chick-lit? [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Great job!!
     
  24. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    Hee hee, great update!

    Bonus points for Highlights for Younglings. :) And was there a Futurama reference in this post? (I thought I caught an Airplane! reference too, but I'm more uncertain of that one.)

    Justice-Tron was cool. :p That Blue Screen of Death gave me the shivers, though.


    ?I am no mere user,? Vennom declared. ?I am the deadly blade of the shadows, forged in the flames of rage and slashing through the wind to deliver death to my enemies.?

    ?Y? E? S?? the stenographer murmured, hunting and pecking.


    I loved this part. :D

    After seeing how Braken's defense of Vennom went, I feel really, really bad for Luke. I can't wait to see what happens.

    My mistake about the find x, heh heh. Just goes to show how completely my brain shuts down when confronted with math. ;)

    Again, great update! :D

    -Thumper

     
  25. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    This is AMAZING!!! Please put me on your PM list! [face_praying]

    =D=
     
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