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Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness (Luke on Trial, humor - complete 8/7)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by The_Face, Jun 25, 2007.

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  1. lordmaul13

    lordmaul13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 18, 2000
    We?re pretending not to notice the manuscript of Chocolate, You Love, Hmm Yes he sent us. Don?t mention him again!

    That's awesome! [face_laugh] =D= I especially love that title.

    lordmaul13
     
  2. BigE

    BigE Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2002
    The "Solo / Duo" bit was spot-on hilarious. [face_laugh]

    I also rather enjoyed this:

    ?Well,? Jamie said, ?thousands of years ago, Darth Bane signed the Bill of Two into Rule as Amendment VII of the Sith Code.* So only two Sith. That?d be Vader and the Emperor.?

    ?Okay.?

    ?But there?s a bunch of other Force-users about, who aren?t Sith. The Dark Jedi, the Emperor?s Hands, Dathomiri witches, the Dark Lord of the Law, Miss Cleo, the Order of the Sacred Llama, etcetera, etcetera, visa vis, e pluribus unum. The Bureau organizes them and gives licenses to Official Recognized Force-Users. You have to fill out a questionnaire, pass a test in a scary cave under a tree, and get a bad photograph taken. This is also where you get licenses to fish or thrill.** I?m not sure why. If a Sith is unable to perform his/her duties, a Hand may apply for the opening.

    ?Operating as a Force-User without a license is punishable by Purge, under Article 66 in the Force Use Registration Act. It?s a very serious crime.?


    Honestly, for the Rule of Two and all, there ARE an awful lot of Dark Jedi and such running around, threatening to screw up Bane's edict.

    Awesome update!! =D=
     
  3. amidalachick

    amidalachick Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    Oooh, a picture!

    There are so many awesome parts I want to quote, but in order to keep this post a reasonable length, I will only select a few of my very favoritest lines:

    ?I need no stuffy bureaucracy?s authorization to use my gifts!? growled Vennom. ?This Official Galactic Bureau ? they are not true warriors, and deserve only destruction. I hope these half-men you represent are trembling from the depths of their soul now, for I should slit their throats with their flimsiplast licenses, and out of their blood would rise a new order??

    ?Objection!? Braken gestured with an open palm to his client. ?The licenses are actually made of a lightweight semi-flexible metal.?


    [face_laugh] At least he's getting the facts out...

    ?Braken, CL! Friends, comrades, acquaintances!? Jamie walked over to the other two lawyers. ?Good news! The Bureau is willing to cut a deal.?

    ?We?ll take it,? they said, almost in unison.

    ?I haven?t told you what it is.?

    ?That?s okay,? CL assured him.


    Now that's some good deal-making!

    Awesome update, Face! =D=
     
  4. Luton_Plunder

    Luton_Plunder Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2006
    [face_laugh] I love the way that Jamie Calrissian always emphasises his middle syllables!

    There were so many numerously funny parts of this post and many of my favourites have already been mentioned, though I have to say I think the one un-mentioned part that I've loved was this:

    He?d felt this way ever since elementary school, when they were first opposing counsel in the first of many appeals to My Dad v. Your Dad.

    Verrrry clever [face_laugh] Among other things, Zokk Hopscotcher is one of my new favourite names ever. I can easily envisage a mass of literary-minded people changing their names to Hopscotcher, meaning the government will have to introduce a numbering system to tell them apart.

    And oh dear...the Justice-bot :D! ?A fatal exception OE has occurred. Please retrial.?

    Brilliant stuff :cool: Looking forward to the next update!
     
  5. Knight_Aragorn

    Knight_Aragorn Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2003
    Oh, I like this. Great work, loving the story so far. Very nice touch with the omniscient narrator and the editor's notes. :D

     
  6. jedi_of_ennth

    jedi_of_ennth Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2005
    [face_laugh] :_| [face_laugh] Awesome update! :D
     
  7. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    oqi: [image=http://img523.imageshack.us/img523/4044/padmepg3.jpg]

    Sorry oqi, I included only those who specifically requested such messages. I don?t want you to have to ban me for being a spam-bot. I don?t think I could take it. :( ;) You?re officially on both this story?s list, and the list for new stuff. :D

    Recess ? when a lawyer can let down her hair, loosen his tie, and get down to some valuable kickball time.

    NYCitygurl: Yoda?s chick-lit tendencies get a reference or two later on as well. I always wondered what he was doing to kill time on Dagobah. :p

    Thumper: Gee, now you?re gonna make me go through my own update just to find out what I referenced. ;) Okay, I found the "deathsticks" Airplane! reference, but I'm missing the Futurama one...

    The shocking twist: It?s a horror story! :eek: :p

    VaderLVR: Consider yourself as good as PMed. :)

    lordmaul13: I was unsure about the gag until I came up with that title, then I knew it was good enough to include. Of course, I?m including just about everything and hoping something sticks. :rolleyes:

    BigE: I guess the Sith figured the Rule of Two was more like a? guideline anyway.

    amidalachick: This story is my first illustrated fic. [face_laugh] Chapter Five has my personal favorite uses of pictures. I hope you like them too.

    LP: Jamie Calrissian is fun to write, but I imagine he?d be more fun to play.

    Glad someone mentioned My Dad v. Your Dad. That case set a lot of precedents. :p

    Knight_Aragorn: Narrators with personality are loads of fun IMHO.

    jedi_of_ennth: Thanks!

    Thanks for reading and replying, everyone!

    Does anyone know where to find lazy?s mass PM machine? I have a feeling it might not work (I?m working with IE7), but I thought I?d try.

    Bonus Bonus!

    Here's a partial cast list:

    Braken Starblaster: Will Arnett
    Zokk Hopscotcher: Justin Long EDIT: No wait, what about Zach Braff?
    Jamie Calrissian: Phil Morris
    Luke Skywalker: Mark Hammill
    Dark Lord of the Law: John O'Hurley
    Trixie McVzlste: Portia de Rossi
    Ajian Doufoom: Christopher Walken
    CL-113/9: Temuera Morrison
    Justice-Tron 1800XP: LH Michael
    Han Solo: Harrison Ford
    R2-D2: Himself
    Leia Organa: Carrie Fisher
    Obi-wan Kenobi (deceased): Sir Alec Guinness
    Darth Vader: voice of James Earl Jones
     
  8. TigerofRobare

    TigerofRobare Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 11, 2006
    This is TOS VIOLATIONing brilliant!

    Please PM me with updates.
     
  9. correllian_ale

    correllian_ale Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Maybe if I start a The_Face masterpiece from the beginning I won't spend so much time playing catch up. ;)


    I love -not like- LOVe the title btw.

    Chapter 1:
    quasi-democratic society of beaver-seagull-men that includes four major divisions of government. o_O [face_laugh]


    The fourth branch is Ringo, on drums.

    - oh no, don't tell me Yoko Ono is gonna' come in and break them up!

    ?I think we should see other people.?

    ?I see people all the time, Trixie. Heck, there?s at least 30 people in this hovertrain car alone!?

    ?I mean romantically. Date other people.?

    Braken frowned suspiciously. ?That seems like it would cut into our together-time.?


    - See!?! She's breaking up people already!
    Braken is a pretty thick fellow, isn't he?

    No, not Kessel. People always make that mistake, and quite frankly, Kressel is sick of it. Kressel is not a desolate red spice-rich desert prison-world. It is a lightly-populated red paprika-rich desert world

    - I get them mixed up all the time!

    He saw a fellow lawyer talking to a clone in an adjoining hallway.

    ?No, I?m not convinced you?re Jango Fett, and even if you were, you couldn?t claim an entire army of clones for tax deductions.?

    [face_laugh]

    Zokk frowned, confused. ?Really? ?Cause this is referring to flying a TIE Fighter while intoxicated and blowing up half a docking bay in the process.?


    Braken raised an eyebrow at the shorter human. He said, ?Oh. Well I don?t consider traffic law canon.?


    - This is bloody brilliant! [face_laugh]

    He is played by Christopher Walken

    - repeat last comment with much more enthusiasm!

    ?CL, we don?t have time for your comedian dreams and? Wait, there are stereotypes for people who have parents??

    ?If you?re curious, you all sunburn easily and love nerfsteak.?


    - Only 'cause it tastes like chicken.

    Today?s Moral: Exaggeration. Not always that funny.

    It is today!


    Chapter 2
    ?If the saber?s not lit, you must acquit!? ? Jamie Calrissian, Kenobi v. Vader II
    *pours a tall glass of Colt 45* [face_laugh]

    ?Solo, party of two. Solo? party of two.?...?Duo, party of one. Duo.?

    - I had to come back to that one as it suddenly dawned on me.


    *Right after Amendment VI, ?No Fatties?, and right before Amendment VIII, the repeal of/apology for Amendment VI.

    **These licenses are mutually exclusive.


    - That's so wrong...;)


    ?Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth-ish, things that sound like truth, and nothing but the truth from a certain point of view, or else we will kill you??

    ?I do.?

    ?You may kiss the bride.?


    - Stop, I think I'm gonna' wet my pants!

    ?Skywalker?s been captured. For whatever reason, he?ll be facing trial. The Empire believes it? would be beneficial? if Braken Starblaster were representing the defense. The sooner you kill the Vennom case, the sooner you?ll be? available to win this Skywalker affair for the Empire,? Ajian explains.

    o_O

    Today?s Moral: If you don?t know the answer, cheating sometimes works out pretty okay?

    Cheating isn't all that bad even if you DO know the answer.

    =D= [face_laugh] =D=
    Wait, I'm all caught up. Hooray for me! Please put me on the PM list Face!


     
  10. 1Yodimus_Prime

    1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 13, 2004
    I started out my response copying all the things I found most funny. Yeah...I think I gave up after the third paragraph. This chapter had all the qualities of Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen and the guys who made Airplane!, combined.

    "Recess" sealed the deal.


    Face, you've made my eyes explode with glee.
    Keep it up, man.
     
  11. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    TigerofRobare: PM heading your way.

    ale: Glad you like ? wait, love ;) ? the title. It?s one of my favorites.

    No, no Yoko. There?s no humor to be found there. Only sadness. :p

    Thanks for all the quotes and comments; they made my mouth do the oddest thing where either end curled up? :) See that? What is that?!? [face_worried]

    PM heading your way.

    Yod: Sorry about your eyes! Hope you have fanfic insurance to pay for that?

    And now, teh dread can0n!!1


    [b]Chapter Three[/b]

    ?I have multiple-personality disorder?. But [i]I[/i] don?t!? ? Doctor Mitt Schenn?ker, psychologist at the B.A.C.T.A. Institute of Coruscant, and later patient at the B.A.C.T.A. Institute of Coruscant


    Luke Skywalker has been in a lot of tight situations.

    [i]Luke, in stormtrooper armor, shouts into a commlink as the walls of a trash compactor close in on him.[/i]

    This, however, was the first time he?d been arrested for genocide to be put on trial. Furthermore, this was the first time he?d been interrogated by an unstable man who was both the good [i]and[/i] the bad cop.

    ?Listen,? the helmetless stormtrooper said in a quiet, soothing tone, ?the evidence looks bad. We have your name associated [i]very[/i] strongly with the Rebel Alliance, and the massacre of hundreds of Death Star staffers. Now I?d like you to work with us, help us out, maybe I can pull some strings to cut you a deal??

    He suddenly pounded the table with his fist. The armor crumbled away around his right wrist. ?We do [i]not[/i] negotiate with terrorists!? the trooper screamed. ?So don?t try and cut a deal again! You?re gonna burn for this, Skywalker, I guarantee it!?

    Luke asked, ?What??

    The trooper decked him with a left hook. All the armor on that arm just fell off. ?I said there?s no deal, you murderer!? His face suddenly softened. The every-two-second dispersal of spittle from his maw ceased. He bent down and helped Luke back into his chair. ?I?m sorry about him??

    Luke asked, ?What??

    ?He gets a little carried away sometimes? probably because you?re A PSYCHO!? The chains on the trooper?s mood swing had completely snapped. Braken Starblaster walked in.

    ?Skitzy!? he said.

    The rage left Skitzy?s face in exchange for pleasant surprise. ?Braken, what can I do for you??

    ?Are you interrogating my client with rough handling, scare tactics, and immoral practices?? the lawyer asked.

    ?Yes.?

    ?Okay, very good.? Braken calmly took a seat next to Luke. The young man looked in horror to his attorney as Skitzy grabbed his pinky finger.

    [i]Snap![/i] Braken opened the clasps of his briefcase on the table. Beside him, Skitzy was screaming, ?Where is the Rebel base?? He softened instantly. ?Please? [i]please[/i]? tell me NOW!? His grip on Luke?s finger shifted and?

    [i]Rip![/i] Braken looked sadly at a piece of flimsiplast that had just become two pieces of flimsiplast. He glanced at Luke, whose finger was thoroughly broken. ?Don?t answer that.?

    Skitzy pulled on Luke?s broken finger. The young man gritted his teeth, saying something along the lines of ?Rmmmrghb.?

    ?And don?t say Dantooine either,? Braken added. It was a common mistake.

    About forty minutes later, his rights-violating interrogation* was over, and Luke was free to walk with Braken to his (Luke?s) cell. Four stormtroopers escorted them ? two in front, two in back. Braken said, ?You?ve been charged with a number of gruesome crimes, Mr. Skywalker. Apparently you?re quite the terrorist.? Braken whistled as he flipped through the document in his hand. ?Wow do I despise [i]you![/i] You are just an awful, horrible man who?s done awful, horrible things.? He looked up and smiled at the Rebel. ?I look forward to helping you get away with them.? He extended a hand. ?Braken Starblaster, space attorney.?

    *One rights-violating interrogation is guaranteed to each and every person arrested by the Empire, just like a lawyer, a commlink call, and a mark on their Subway sav>
     
  12. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    I love Braken's approach to winning a case--snazzy suit appeal. :D

    They didn?t. The two of them sat silently in Braken?s office. Zokk tapped a finger quietly on the outdated filing cabinet next to him. Tap.

    Tap.

    Tap.

    ?

    ?

    ?

    ?.Tap.

    ??sooooooots,? whispered Zokk.


    I was laughing so hard that my dog started barking at me. She's very discriminating with her humor--she's a Gary Shandling fan. The cat, however, was giggling along with me.


    I love the build up to the court room. This was classic:

    Braken ran into the courtroom as quickly as he could. He found Luke in binders at a table to the right. The prosecution side was bustling with activity on the left. Jamie Calrissian and Trixie McVzlste were directing the chaos from the center of the crowd. The defense was just Braken, Luke, a dust mite, and Zokk, who?d nodded off. The rest of the room was packed with affluent spectators, important Imperial officials, news reporters, holo-paparazzi, a small Black Sun contingent, a row of confused shock-ball fans with chests painted to read ?GO HAWKBATS?, but were currently declaring ?GA HWOTABSK??, captured Rebels and their stormtrooper escorts, some jerk with a question mark on his chest, and Uatu the Watcher. No pressure, Braken.

    Great OCs and a hilarious story!!!


    Thanks for the PM :D My heart is on the mend.

     
  13. 1Yodimus_Prime

    1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 13, 2004
    ?Wow do I despise you! You are just an awful, horrible man who?s done awful, horrible things.? He looked up and smiled at the Rebel. ?I look forward to helping you get away with them.? He extended a hand. ?Braken Starblaster, space attorney.? Nice summation of every defense lawyer ever.

    The 'suits' thing was amazingly "Adult Swim" in its execution. I see someone's been staying up late on weekdays. tsk tsk.

    Did I spy a Marvel demigod in that courtroom, or was that just a side effect of exploded eyes? (fanfic ensurance plans suck, by the way. Medical only covers body parts that can be repaired with duct tape)

    I like that there's a guy with a question mark on his chest wandering around the place.
    Because it can never be circus-y enough!!

    Also, I only just realized that you gave Jaimie Calrissian a southern evangelical accent. Now I suddenly get the random italicized syllables.
    A brilliant choice, by the by.

    I'm getting a sense of Inspector Clouseau with Braken. That outburst at the end, real Peter Sellers moment.


    And if I may: I like that you're adding vice to the next update, but I should remind you that all of us here tend to prefer our stories extra-vicey, or none at all. So...keep that in mind. ;)
     
  14. BigE

    BigE Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2002
    ?Charisma??

    ?Please, Zokk, you know I don?t speak Huttese. In Basic please!?


    I liked that. I liked that a lot. That is all.

    and Uatu the Watcher

    Nice cameo. :cool: Undoubtedly something big is going to happen then. ;)



    using the Force without a license??

    ?Oh geez,? Braken muttered.

    [face_laugh]



    Excellent update as always. Thanks for the laughs. (You're not charging for those, I hope)
     
  15. TigerofRobare

    TigerofRobare Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 11, 2006
    That was great. Thanks for the PM.

    You know, my father is a terrestrial attorney. He always says, "If you have the law, argue the law; if you have facts, argue the facts; and if you don't have either, throw a tantrum."
     
  16. divapilot

    divapilot Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 30, 2005
    Fantstic! [face_laugh] I can't even begin to quote my favorite lines or I would be quoting the whole thing. This is so clever and funny!

    Could you please put me on the PM list?
     
  17. jedi_of_ennth

    jedi_of_ennth Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2005
    Suits.

    Suits.

    Suits.

    Zokk's right; it's a funny word. [face_thinking]

    The defense was just Braken, Luke, a dust mite, and Zokk, who?d nodded off. The rest of the room was packed with affluent spectators, important Imperial officials, news reporters, holo-paparazzi, a small Black Sun contingent, a row of confused shock-ball fans with chests painted to read ?GO HAWKBATS?, but were currently declaring ?GA HWOTABSK??, captured Rebels and their stormtrooper escorts, some jerk with a question mark on his chest, and Uatu the Watcher. No pressure, Braken.

    [face_laugh] :_| [face_laugh]

    Awesome update! :D

     
  18. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    oqi: My stories test well among cats, but tend to fall flat among the canine demographic, possibly due to a lack of olfactory stimulation.

    Glad you?re healing. ;)

    Yod: My viewing of Adult Swim is off-and-on. I?ll watch it for a few days in a row, and then not at all for months. A certain Mr. Birdman was definitely an influence.

    So? All of it?

    It would almost be worth it to put some kind of inappropriate punctuation on, and just attach myself to whatever words people happened to be spelling. :p

    Guys guys guys for the first time, Jamie Calrissian is Johnny Cochran. Note he is played by Jackie Chiles. :D So, yeah, you've pretty much got him down actually.

    BigE: Uatu may be a little disappointed. Or maybe not. Keep Watching?

    [face_laugh] He is a wise, wise man.

    divapilot: PM heading your way. ?Y?know, when I get to posting Chapter Four.

    jedi_of_ennth: I tell you, typing suits that many times does make it look weirder and weirder and weirder. Weirder. Weirder. Weirder. Weirder.











    Weirder.


    It happened again.

    Thanks so much, everybody, for reading and leaving your wonderful replies!
     
  19. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    Your PMs are as well written as your stories! :D

    About forty minutes later, his rights-violating interrogation* was over, and Luke was free to walk with Braken to his (Luke?s) cell. Four stormtroopers escorted them ? two in front, two in back. Braken said, ?You?ve been charged with a number of gruesome crimes, Mr. Skywalker. Apparently you?re quite the terrorist.? Braken whistled as he flipped through the document in his hand. ?Wow do I despise you! You are just an awful, horrible man who?s done awful, horrible things.? He looked up and smiled at the Rebel. ?I look forward to helping you get away with them.? He extended a hand. ?Braken Starblaster, space attorney.?

    *One rights-violating interrogation is guaranteed to each and every person arrested by the Empire, just like a lawyer, a commlink call, and a mark on their Subway savers card.


    Loved it! [face_laugh]

    =D=
     
  20. correllian_ale

    correllian_ale Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 20, 2005
    ?You?ve been charged with a number of gruesome crimes, Mr. Skywalker. Apparently you?re quite the terrorist.? Braken whistled as he flipped through the document in his hand. ?Wow do I despise you! You are just an awful, horrible man who?s done awful, horrible things.?

    [face_laugh] Sounds like our family lawyer!



    ?Charisma??

    ?Please, Zokk, you know I don?t speak Huttese. In Basic please!?


    [face_laugh]


    ?GA HWOTABSK??

    I've seen that! (but with PATRIOTS spelled "PAROITST" or somethingmore resembling Parots)


    ?You, the sandy-haired kid. You?re the defendant??

    ?Um, yes.?

    ?Don?t sass me, boy.?


    [face_laugh] I can't stop!.


    ...I aim to prove that, by flinging myself desperately at the fuzziest suggestions of Reasonable Doubt, steering the trial away from its point, abusing legal loopholes, and probably using a few courtroom theatrics. Then you?ll see.? He whirled around to face the crowd. ?You?ll all see!? he screamed at them, shaking his fist.

    All I keep imagining is Jim Carrey from "Liar, Liar" [face_laugh]


    =D= Another HI-larious update!
     
  21. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    Another great update. :D

    Ah, a little bit of limelight for the B.A.C.T.A. Institute of Coruscant. Too bad Skitzy doesn't get double pay for acting as both good cop and bad cop.

    The misspelled shockball fans had me laughing really hard, as well as this part:

    ?Wow do I despise you! You are just an awful, horrible man who?s done awful, horrible things.? He looked up and smiled at the Rebel. ?I look forward to helping you get away with them.?


    She gestured to Luke, whose mouth was agape in a way that screams Naïve Moisture Farmboy.

    As well as being a great line, that was a great visual too. heh heh.

    The more I read about Braken and his associates, the worse I feel for Luke. :p

    In the previous post, the part that reminded me of Futurama was Scruffy. The space custodian (janitor).

    Looking forward to the next post! :D

    -Thumper

     
  22. amidalachick

    amidalachick Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    ?This is the face of a young?? He leaned down to Luke. ?How old are you?? he whispered. Braken frowned. ?Not a minor. Blast.? Braken stood straight again. ??a young man who has been caught up among a rotten crowd, to be sure, but is not a criminal himself. I aim to prove that, by flinging myself desperately at the fuzziest suggestions of Reasonable Doubt, steering the trial away from its point, abusing legal loopholes, and probably using a few courtroom theatrics. Then you?ll see.? He whirled around to face the crowd. ?You?ll all see!? he screamed at them, shaking his fist.

    Yay! Go Braken! Bring justice to the galaxy...or something!

    Today?s Moral: Decide where you?re going to stand before putting the letters on.

    This story is hilarious *and* educational! It's...hilaricational! 8-}

    Another fantastic update, and update PM! =D= :D

     
  23. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    VaderLVR: Glad you liked the PM; I?m having some fun with them.

    ale: Real-life problems with chest-painting coordination I?d seen at college football games were the inspiration for GA HWOTABSK? It?s apparently an epidemic. :p

    Thumper: Double pay for Skitzy. Now that should have been my Holonet News Article! [face_laugh]

    Scruffy, of course! Yes, absolutely Futurama. I feel pretty dim. :oops:

    amidalachick: Maybe we can add propaganda in there somewhere. Hilaricatiaganda.

    The more you know

    Thanks so much everyone for R&Ring!


    [b]Chapter Four[/b]

    ?Love leads to breakups. Breakups lead to ice cream. Ice cream leads to chocolate. Chocolate leads to bloating. Bloating? leads to suffering.? ? Excerpt from [u]Chocolate, You Love, Hmm Yes[/u], by Yoda, Draft 3


    Braken Starblaster, Jamie Calrissian, Zokk Hopscotcher, and CL-113/9 sat around a circular table in Zokk?s modest apartment. A pile of credit chits reflected the current pot for their game of Super Sabacc Extreme Wild Wampa Attack: Clone Wars 20th Anniversary Edition.

    ?All right,? CL said, ?I call.? He tossed two credits into the pile, followed by his hand of cards. ?Straight Jangos.?

    Jamie put his hand down with a smirk. ?Read them, and [i]weep[/i], mah friend! A pair of Windus trumps, a pair of Vaders defenestrates.?

    Braken, the dealer for the round, nodded. ?Jamie, you have the option now. Will you enter the Senate, or Clone a card??

    ?Senate.? Jamie picked up a pair of chance cubes and rolled for initiative. A natural twelve-teen showed, and he Purged the Coleman Trebor card into Zokk?s hand. Zokk looked over his other cards, and groaned.

    Braken rolled his eyes. ?Let?s see ?em, Zokk.?

    The young man dropped his cards onto the table. ?Ascending Jar-Jars and a Coleman.?

    ?I?m afraid that?s a Backfire. Back to Academy for you,? Braken said.

    Zokk sighed, stood up, and spun in a circle ten times. He stumbled dizzily into his kitchen, jumping at a hovering training remote as it zapped him with weak bolts. Braken checked his chrono. ?Thirty seconds, Zokk, and you didn?t catch it. You?ve been Blockaded. Time to press the Attack button.?

    ?I think I?m gonna vomit,? Zokk yelled back from the other room.

    ?Don?t be a sissy,? Braken replied.

    Zokk made a bee-line (if the bee were drunk and had only one wing) for the table. He grabbed it for stability and reached for the card shooter. He pressed the button, and a card shot out, hitting him in the face. He caught and read it. ?Wild Wampa Attack x 1.?

    While a small (for its species) wampa mauled a screaming Zokk behind him, Braken turned back to the others. ?All right, new round. Three cards each, smugglers are wild, no disintegrations.?

    ?Aww man?? groaned Boba Fett.

    ?How?s this Skywalker case working out?? CL asked.

    ?Brilliantly!? Jamie exclaimed.

    ?Umm, great?? Braken gave himself the last card, and set the deck into the shooter.

    ?I just don?t see how you can defend Skywalker and maintain any ill[i]usions[/i], del[i]usions[/i], exec[i]utions[/i], of morality,? Jamie said.

    ?I?m not a bad person,? Braken said, a bit defensively. ?I?ve? I?ve not broken any laws.?

    CL raised an eyebrow. ?What about that speeding ticket you got??

    Braken frowned, thumbing through his three cards. ?What?s wrong about that? Anybody can get a speeding ticket.?

    CL shrugged. ?But not anybody would try to get out of it by pretending to be blind.?

    ?In my defense, I was drunk; I wasn?t thinking straight,? Braken said.

    Jamie frowned, wondering how the speeding ticket was even up for consideration as the biggest problem in that story. That?s when their fifth player arrived, a blue, elephant-snouted Ortolan court stenographer. Todd Rebo walked through the door with a tray in hand. ?Sorry, guys; there was a huge back-up in the skylanes here. Somebody released balloons at a wedding in the lower levels two days ago, and they just arrived up here. I tell you, colorf>
     
  24. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    First off, I loved the Jerry Seinfeld update PM. :D
    Damn funny.


    [face_laugh] A pair of Windus trumps, a pair of Vaders defenestrates.

    Where do you come up with this stuff? This just keeps getting better!

    raken frowned, thumbing through his three cards. ?What?s wrong about that? Anybody can get a speeding ticket.?

    CL shrugged. ?But not anybody would try to get out of it by pretending to be blind.?

    ?In my defense, I was drunk; I wasn?t thinking straight,? Braken said.




    However, despite all of the side splitting humor that you've included, I really respect the moment that you take to address the long term effects of growing up in a family broken by chocoholism. You've done a great service to the boards today and we'll sing the praises of your stimulating, yet didactic prose for ages to come.

    ?Order in the court! I want a dirty trial today, plenty of cheap shots, objectionable theatrics, speculation, and backstabbing...? Hear! Hear! That's not a court room, that's law school.

    [face_laugh] ?Well, lady, I came at the last moment, when hope seemed nearly lost, and rose above my own selfishness to take part in a cause larger than myself. It?s a dramatic character arc.? He was being way too self-aware, but Braken let it slide without objection. To be honest, he didn?t know what Han was talking about. Again, the guy was a few planets short of a Jedi archive. I'm going to end up quoting this whole damned thing.


    The IT guy, Scruffy, scratched his scraggly beard thoughtfully. He raised his fist and slammed it down on the datapad once firmly.

    WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAVE?
    HA!

    And you included an Archie Bunker/Sammy Davis Jr. pic!

    This story is so much fun to read. Outstanding job!
     
  25. TigerofRobare

    TigerofRobare Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 11, 2006
    This is too funny. I've always felt like a good TV show would make fun of Law&Order and CSI, and I think this story proves it! Keep it coming!
     
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