Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness (Luke on Trial, humor - complete 8/7)

Add me to the update list please

 

Great update. Perhaps the finest yet?

The game was in itself an amazing slice of madness, but my favorite is Boba Fett's out of nowhere cameo. Also, anytime Jamie Calrissian makes a list, it gets a laugh out of me. Just don't abuse that knowledge.

?Sustained.? The Dark Lord of the Law raised a pasty eyebrow at Trixie. ?I?m watching you, Miss McVzlste. As is Greedo, I?m sure, bless his smoking antennae.? He looked down wistfully, presumably to Greedo?s afterlife. Inaudibly, and on the verge of tears, he added, ?Go, you magnificent poor-aiming fool, go??
Words fail here. It's just too beautiful.

Also, Artoo as angry droid activist is a great fit. For comedy, that is. EDIT: I CHANGE MY MIND. IT IS A GREAT FIT FOR AWESOME.

In conclusion, I can't believe you put an entire scene of the translator malfunctioning just to get a Steve Miller Band joke or two out of it. I like it, but it's hard to wrap my head around.

 

*gaaasp* hahahahahahahahaha!!! You rock, Nathan! *gets her computer unplugged* DARN IT!

 

A whole post-load of quoteable material, as usual.

Some of my favorites:

The red-robed guard who?d just followed him up then unbound one hand, placed it on the Emperor?s book, and forced Solo to solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth-ish, things that sound like truth, and nothing but the truth from a certain point of view, or else they will kill him.

Han Solo replied with a bad-boy grin, ?I know.?

nice reference to the famous ESB reply.


A sketch of a reenactment by two humans of the alleged Tarkin-alien kiss captures the spirit of his reaction if not the physical traits of the parties involved

Ah, the classic Archie Bunker kissed by Sammy Davis Jr. ? inspired!

He?s not a man; he?s a lawyer,? Han corrected.

You can't go wrong with lawyer jokes.

 

Amazing. As always!


Zokk made a bee-line (if the bee were drunk and had only one wing) for the table. He grabbed it for stability and reached for the card shooter. He pressed the button, and a card shot out, hitting him in the face. He caught and read it. ?Wild Wampa Attack x 1.?

While a small (for its species) wampa mauled a screaming Zokk behind him, Braken turned back to the others. ?All right, new round. Three cards each, smugglers are wild, no disintegrations.?

?Aww man?? groaned Boba Fett.

?How?s this Skywalker case working out?? CL asked.

?Brilliantly!? Jamie exclaimed.

?Umm, great?? Braken gave himself the last card, and set the deck into the shooter.

?I just don?t see how you can defend Skywalker and maintain any illusions, delusions, executions, of morality,? Jamie said.

?I?m not a bad person,? Braken said, a bit defensively. ?I?ve? I?ve not broken any laws.?

Loved this section in particular!

 

oqi: [image=http://news.softpedia.com/images/news2/Jerry-Seinfeld-Dad-Again-2.jpg]
What is the deal with author replies?

The speeding ticket story is a favorite of mine if I do say so myself. I like that it just gets worse and worse.

TFN Cares

TigerofRobare: The best in the CSI-spoofing front is yet to come.

Darth_Drachonus: It will be done.

Forcefire: Jamie?s listing is an integral character trait. One of few.

R.I.P. Greedo

The malfunction was not just to get a Steve Miller Band joke or two. It was also to get a 2001: A Space Odyssey joke!

Eruanne: Watch out; the Mad Unplugger is on the loose! Whatever that means.

BigE: I wondered if anyone would even get ?I know? since it didn?t really make much sense, but I included it anyway. Same with the twist on ?He?s not a system; he?s a man.? It?s pretty much my whole M.O. for this fic.

Archie Bunker and Sammy Davis Jr. is a classic moment. I was happy to subvert it for my own needs.

VaderLVR: The card game was loads of fun to write.

Leona: Me? Insane?

Ah, the reaction I was looking for!

Leona, I hereby put you on the Nice List! If you stay good, Braken or whoever he gets to do his work for him, will send you story PMs without coal.

Thanks so much everybody for reading and replying. I really do appreciate it a lot!

Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: Four out of four fanfic mods say ?What are you quoting me for again??

 

First off, your PM was without a doubt the funniest one I have ever read.

Secondly, great update! Loved R2!

The IT guy, Scruffy, scratched his scraggly beard thoughtfully. He raised his fist and slammed it down on the datapad once firmly.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAVE?

?Repairin? your translatah. That ?bout does it.? Scruffy turned around and gestured broadly to Braken. ?Go on.?

Gotta love the reference to 2001! R2 as HAL????


What evil lurks in the heart of Calrissian, exploiting poor Braken's tragic family history of chocoholism?


Great update!

 

Best. Chapter. Yet.

?All right,? CL said, ?I call.? He tossed two credits into the pile, followed by his hand of cards. ?Straight Jangos.?

Jamie put his hand down with a smirk. ?Read them, and weep, mah friend! A pair of Windus trumps, a pair of Vaders defenestrates.?

I want that game.

And I love the Steve Miller references! "The Joker" will be stuck in my head all day now.

Can't wait for more!

-amidalachick

 

?Senate.? Jamie picked up a pair of chance cubes and rolled for initiative. A natural twelve-teen showed, and he Purged the Coleman Trebor card into Zokk?s hand. Zokk looked over his other cards, and groaned.
Braken rolled his eyes. ?Let?s see ?em, Zokk.?

I keep reading ?Zokk? as ?Zekk.? My inner fangirl is all confused.

Zokk sighed, stood up, and spun in a circle ten times. He stumbled dizzily into his kitchen, jumping at a hovering training remote as it zapped him with weak bolts. Braken checked his chrono. ?Thirty seconds, Zokk, and you didn?t catch it. You?ve been Blockaded. Time to press the Attack button.?

Where can I buy this game? It sounds almost as fun as Brockian Ultra Cricket.

Luke answered, ?I?m sitting in a jail cell with only a torture droid and a really, really drunk green rabbit-man for company. If they want to escort me to the courtroom a half-hour early, they?re welcome to.?



A sketch of a reenactment by two humans of the alleged Tarkin-alien kiss captures the spirit of his reaction if not the physical traits of the parties involved



Braken, having missed the end of Jamie?s questioning, was uncertain where to start. ?Umm, Mr. D2.?
PLEASE, CALL ME MAURICE.



Awesome update, awesome update PM.

 

This is brilliant!! "CALL ME MAURICE" I loved the card game (very interesting one, by the way) and Artoo was hilarious. I also love the PMs

 

I'm surprised the Editor let that excerpt from Yoda's book get through, but I'm sure glad he did. Nice lead-in to Braken's tragic story of a childhood torn apart by chocoholism. And uh oh, Jamie is scheming!

Lots of people already beat me to complimenting the card game, but I'll add my own kudos for it anyway.


Again, the guy was a few planets short of a Jedi archive.

Awesome.

R2's a little spitfire, ain't he? His translated comments seem pretty close to the type of personality I picture for him from either the ANH novel or "Beneath the Dome"...I can't remember which at the moment. It's been too long since I read/watched either.


Many regard that moment as R2-D2?s first step on the path to later becoming the president of the Galactic Association for the Rights of Mechanical Persons (G.A.M.P.). It proved more meaningful than the destiny of anybody else in the courtroom that day.

This is just begging to be made into its own story!

Keep up the great work!

-Thumper

 

Braken jumped to his feet. ?Objection!?

The Dark Lord of the Law turned to look at him. ?On what grounds??

He pointed an accusatory finger at the witness. ?Tattle-tale!?


And an "All in the Family" pic to boot!

Thanks for the many chuckles Face!

 

divapilot: Evil doesn?t lurk in the heart of Jamie Calrissian. It dances around in the prominent places.

The_amidala_sand_chick_something_or_other (): I?ve been sticking songs in people?s heads lately. I gotta find one with a subliminal message that?ll benefit me.

jedi_of_ennth: Y?know, I forgot Zekk existed when I came up with Zokk. Oops.

I imagine it?d be mighty hard to find a copy of Super Sabacc Extreme Wild Wampa Attack: Clone Wars 20th Anniversary Edition, particularly since none of the rules make any sense. I assume there are rules anyway.

NYCitygurl: Whip-whoooo

Thumper: The Editor doesn?t read the quotes. He?s not very good at his job.

I?m sure R2 got lots of ladies as G.A.M.P. president, even if not the love he so desired from his father.

ale: That?s my favorite objection.

Thank you very much all! Now, enjoy/endure Chapter 5.

---

Chapter Five[/b]

?The way to a man?s heart is through his ribcage, being careful not to tear any major blood vessels. This is how you will be able to keep him alive for the longest period possible as you hold the beating organ before his eyes.? ? Asajj Ventress, in a seminar at the 3547th Annual SithCon


Jamie Calrissian, Trixie McVzlste, and Ajian Doufoom gathered at the office to discuss matters pertaining to the Luke Skywalker case. They sat in a conference room with a large motivational poster on the wall behind Ajian.

[image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/NoChokingattheTable.jpg]
[i]DISCIPLINE: Someone Has To Be Made a Good Example[/i]

?This is a brainstorming session,? Ajian explained, ?on ways we can? be crushing Braken Starblaster?s case? more handily. Now, remember there?s no right or? wrong answer. We?re just throwing? ideas out there, and we?ll worry about making? them good later.?

Jamie started. ?Well I?m already sending him chocolates.?

Ajian frowned. ?I said crush him, Jamie, not woo him.?

?No no.? Jamie leaned in. ?Ya see, Braken is terrified, horrified, [i]petrified[/i] of choc-o-[i]lawt[/i]. He?ll be a trainwreck in court tomorrow morning.?

?That is both cruel and disturbing,? Ajian said without judgment, just as if stating a fact.

?Come on, Jamie; that?s a little too low,? Trixie said. ?His father was a chocoholic and it tore his family apart. It?s really serious stuff he?s dealing with, you know??

?I am not going to lose to a man who went to community law school. Mah heavens, Trixie, you?d think you were still dating the man. What [i]did[/i] you see in him??

?I don?t know. He [i]was[/i] an idiot. And insensitive. And a bit of a jerk. And?? She sighed. ?Well, we had some good times anyway.?

[image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/DinnerArgument.jpg]
[i]Trixie and Braken, two weeks earlier, discuss matters over a dinner date.[/i]

?Of course! We can use his infatu-ation with? Trixie against him. Good idea, McVzlste.?

?That?s not exactly what I meant??

?Don?t be modest,? replied Ajian. ?What else can we come up with?? he asked.

Jamie and Trixie thought long and hard on this. ?Zokk Hopscotcher,? Jamie said.

?What??

?Braken?s intern, his protégé, his mentee, his pupil, h-??

?Move on.?

?Zokk Hopscotcher is naïve, dim, and easily manip[i]u[/i]lated. He is Braken?s one ally, and easy to take away from him,? said Jamie.

?I think you?re on to? something,? Ajian agreed. ?Pursue this? chocolate matter, and continue to win the trial in the courtroom. Trixie, expect a comm from me on the plan to destroy him emotionally. I?ll handle? the boy.?

******


Braken Starblaster sulked in his deep black comfy-chair, with the only light in his apartment the glow of his holovision. It was an episode of [i]Let?s Make a Deal: Empire Edition[/i], which replaced the late Mon?ty Haall with Darth Vader in a rather pathetic effort to improve public opinion of the Sith lord.

It w

 

?You?? the contestant groaned, ?said I?d survive. We had? a deal.?

?I am changing the deal,? Darth Vader said. ?Pray I do not alter it further.?

?How could you? change it any more?? Telnec spat.

?Just for that, your survivors are actually getting a gag gift involving goats,? Vader informed the dying man.

He had to ask, didn?t he? Nice homage to the goat gifts of Let?s Make A Deal. Once again?classic!


?She loves peace. He cuts his enemies into pieces and drinks their blood! Stick around for a preview of ?The Alderaanian and The Iridorian,? coming to Holonet Feed 36495, Wednesdays this fall!? the sponsors said.

I?d watch that.

Today?s Moral: Life isn?t really that much like a box of chocolates.

You?ve just ruined Forrest Gump for me forever. Thanks.


Excellent update as always!

 

I think there was a CSI: Coruscant.

How do you pronounce "McVzlste?"

Thanks for the PM, it's good to know someone cares about Braken besides Zokk.

 

Face, I have a confession of the most unnatural nature to make. I feel kind of dirty just saying this, but you can't deny it. I was born this way and trying to change that is like trying to catch falling Star Destroyers. Here goes...

I'm in love with your story. That's right, I'm a literaphiliac.

I've missed a few updates and consequently will be forced to summarise, but basically the best bits are everything. I'm loving the three-wall setup that crops up here, it's beautiful And the characters are amazing - though I'm very fond of Jamie Calrissian and Braken. And Zokk.

Your take on Imperial Legal procedures is awesome, the Dark Lord of the Law seems only natural to me And I love the way you're bringing in the canon characters, ha! The part about R2 having a more significant destiny than all of them - niice. But you see, there aren't the only things that I have enjoyed! The pictures to break things up are just perfect (I'm especially enamoured of the CSI: Coruscant one!), and the ludicrous fear that Braken has of chocolate thanks to his troubled past is just absurd enough to be...dare I say yet again...perfect?

Oh, then there's the great dialogue delivery as usual. From everyone.

Things like this

Always crack me up. Even when talking to his mother he's got the dramatic delivery So just when I was expecting the law and order *doink doink*, up comes CSI. I wonder what the themesong to CSI Coruscant would be . For that matter, the Alderaanian and the Iridorian would have to have one hell of a catchy theme tune too.

So, now I'm all up to date, I'm qualified to say "Great post, I enjoyed it!" - now do the exact opposite of my example and post more story

 

Loved it! Too many funny things to list, but I have to say Darth Vader as the host of Let's Make a Deal is inspired. A whole new way of looking at Lando and Vader on Bespin, that's for sure.

And CSI Coruscant? Hmm. Is that the one with Grissom or Horatio? Heaven only knows what those cases would be!

Wonderful update!

 

?The way to a man?s heart is through his ribcage, being careful not to tear any major blood vessels. This is how you will be able to keep him alive for the longest period possible as you hold the beating organ before his eyes.? ? Asajj Ventress, in a seminar at the 3547th Annual SithCon

Loved it!

 

Awww! They look like such a happy couple!

Love the TV shows, especially Vader as host of "Let's Make A Deal". He's a natural!

Awesome update!

 

This passage had me in tears Face:
Vader towered over the contestant, a panicky-looking man from Kuat, named Telnec. ?You may choose Bay Number One?? Vader boomed, one gloved hand resting awkwardly on Telnec?s shoulder, and the other holding an odd stick-like microphone, ??Bay Number Two, or Bay Number 94. One of those doors will earn you a prize worth over 50,000 credits. One will earn a lame consolation prize, and one will unleash whimsical ?Whammys? who will murder you in cold blood. Or you can walk away with a guaranteed 15,000 credits and your life.?

The crowd shouted suggestions for Telnec?s course of action, all idiotic. Vader looked as expectant as his helmet allowed.

?I? I?ll take the 15,000 and walk away,? he sputtered into the microphone in Vader?s cold black grasp.

?So you will,? he replied. A red beam of light ignited from the microphone and through Telnec?s torso.

?You?? the contestant groaned, ?said I?d survive. We had? a deal.?

?I am changing the deal,? Darth Vader said. ?Pray I do not alter it further.?

?How could you? change it any more?? Telnec spat.

?Just for that, your survivors are actually getting a gag gift involving goats,? Vader informed the dying man

Geez, I hope it's not the same goats that attack oqidaun on a regular basis.


?Yoda say: A box of chocolates is like life,? the ninja recited, obviously bored/ashamed by the job and fake accent. ?Ending in tears.?

Why are the cruelest jokes always so funny? Like when I sneak up behind the elderly and yell "damn!"

Next time, on Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The shockball fans are excited to hear their chants of ?D-Fence? finally answered, and quickly disappointed when they find out it?s just Braken arguing for Luke?s innocence.

Brilliantly one of a kind Face!!!!!

 

I love the picture!! Happy couple indeed

 

Leona: The kind of good times we saw in the picture, I guess. Not-good times. That gag was kind of ripped off Arrested Development (and the picture definitely was ), when Tobias mentions all the good times he and Lindsay (sp?) have had, and all that comes up is ?footage not found?. Cracks me up every time.

BigE: I?ve wanted Monty Hall to say ?I am changing the deal. Pray I do not alter it further? ever since I last watched the Lando scenes of TESB (I was reviewing scenes for a FFR discussion)

The_Face: Ruining movies since Feb. ?03.

TigerofRobare: How do you pronounce "McVzlste?"

A. You take an unabridged dictionary, and flip it to the V section. Lean forward, jut your chin out, breathe through your nose, and place your tongue on the page. Slam the dictionary closed, open it again, and try to speak. It will come out, ?vzlste.?

B. As a parody of unpronouncable names in Star Wars, particularly fanfic, it of course requires two extra lungs, a different mouth construction, and a much higher frequency of hearing capability.

C. You don?t.

Please choose one. Or two. Or all.

Mjs: unnatural nature

Were you to imagine my thumbs, I humbly request you imagine them both pointing skyward.

I briefly considered making CSI: Coruscant look more official. Then I used Paint instead. CSI: Miami is so ripe for parody, sometimes I wonder if it isn?t parody itself. There?s an amazing video somewhere (YouTube maybe?) of near-endless overly dramatic, sometimes pun-laden Caruso statements like ?Murder?, and ?Speed kills? that supports my claims of the program?s ridiculousness.

With ?Who are You?, ?Won?t Get Fooled Again?, and ?Baba O?Reilly? taken, I think Coruscant would have to use ?Magic Bus? or something.

divapilot: Judging by TEH DRAMAH in Braken?s delivery, it?s clearly H. Moff Horatio. He seems to have that kind of authority anyway.

VaderLVR: That?s a very handy tip actually.

The more you know

amidalachick: Aren?t they precious?

correllian_ale: Yeah, I didn?t think about that until after I posted it, but I am wondering what oqi?s response will be to the goat presence. Hopefully she?ll still be a reader.

Cruel, funny. Whatever.

NYCitygurl: That picture is really the sole reason Trixie is played by Portia de Rossi. I was looking for pictures of Will Arnett doing Braken-like things, and knew that had to be a date with Miss McVzlste.

Thank you all for reading and replying! Next update coming this weekend-ish.

 

I think I missed a PM..

last week, on "Braken Starblaster: the 'what I read' edition"

I think I half expected him to leave "relevance" completely out of his objection and simply ask where the beef is.

Boy there sure are a lot of people in that courtroom who are a something short of something. Have the kangaroos been invited yet? I wasn't paying attention. (much like Braken)
I love how he torments Zokk with indifference. He even mentions off-handedly in the next chapter, after receiving the ninjagram, when wonders if it's from "Zokk? No, he'd want recognition and love." - cracked. me. up.

The CCG they're playing is awesome. Any card game that causes city-block-wide fires is a card game worth playing in my book. My book of card games worth playing. You can find that entry between "Go Fish EXTREME" and that thing Gambit does.

Oh, and the random inclusion of Boba Fett? Brilliant.



today, on "Braken Starblaster: the 'what I read' edition"

Your methods of inserting Movie Lines into this thing never cease to be hilarious. Between Vader's "I'm changing the deal" and Han's smirky "I know" you have me bustin' up over here.

Also, your use of the visual medium this time around was superb. Excellent comedic timing there, my friend.

The ninja covered his ears. ?Oh, what is that beeping? Is that you? Are you beeping??

?No,? Braken yelled, ?I?m -------ing!

*double-takes* waitasec...he's what??


Good show, sir!
*applauds in a genteel manner, much like what you'd hear on a golf course*