Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness (Luke on Trial, humor - complete 8/7)

That was amazing. I can't wait for the last witness.

Is there a jury? (That doesn't have to decide whichever way the Dark Lord of the Law tells them.)

When I first saw this I thought it was going to be like My Cousin Vinnie. Boy was I wrong.

 

?I? may have told him to blow up the Death Star. Not in so many words??

?Oh come on!? Luke stood. ?Where?s that ?certain point of view? crap when I need it??

Obi Wan. Never helps when it's really needed. If only he'd run just a little faster, Qui Gonn might still be alive. *shakes head*

Zokk sensed that this wasn?t going very well. He was getting desperate. He pointed at Obi-wan. ?He?s the real killer!?

right, blame somebody else, like the dead guy.

Zokk wiped the wetness from his eyes and looked again at the notes scrawled on his hand. Sweat had caused the majority of the low-grade ink to run, but he could make out a name. ?The defense calls Luke Skyhopper to the stand.?

?Skywalker,? Luke corrected.

Zokk squinted at the blurry name on his palm. ?Close enough.?

The note on the hand thing. I love it!

?Objection!? Braken gestured to Jamie with an indignant expression on his face. ?Mr. Skywalker?s not on trial here!?

?Yes,? the judge reminded him, ?he is. He?s the defendant.?

These people are probably going to think I'm crazy for laughing.

Ajian smiled. He turned to face Zokk again. ?Not? from a Jedi.?

?What??

?Oh I?m sorry, I mean Braken. Not from Braken.?

Love the RotS reference.

He suddenly cut his assault short. ?Cheese it! The fuzz!?

Best line.

Great job, I'm sorry there's only one more witness.

~lordmaul13

 

I have to say, during the first part, I was laughing so hard my ribs hurt. The "Blame Wedge" thing was priceless I love the ROTS-like scene And it's good to know that the Dark Lord of the Law got his identity back, as funny as the DL was.

Trixie's kinda sweet Too bad Braken doesn't realize it

You're not ending this so soon, are you? *puppy face*

 

That about covers it!

Zokk didn?t notice that Luke hadn?t really described his childhood so much as a period of a few days from early adulthood. ?Okay, um, did you destroy the Death Star??

Luke glanced at Braken, who was shaking his head wildly, waving his arms, and mouthing ?No No No Nononononono.?

?No,? Luke lied uncomfortably.

?Can you describe what the Death Star was doing when it was destroyed??

?It was about to completely obliterate Yavin IV, along with a lot of good people.?

?So, whoever destroyed the Death Star could have been doing so out of self-defense?? Zokk perked up as he heard himself say this. That sounded like something good for lawyers!

?Yes.?

Zokk, not wanting to ruin the moment, slowly and silently backed away from Luke, grin frozen on his face. When he was standing beside Braken, he quickly uttered, ?Nothingfurther,? and immediately sat down.

Jamie took his turn next. ?Mistah Skywalker.? He walked over with his hands clasped behind his back. ?You mentioned a lot of people around you dying at the Empire?s hands.?

?I didn?t even mention the friends killed at the Death Star.?

?Why do you hate the Empire so much??

?I?m sorry, what??

?You keep bringing up ?the Empire killed so-and-so?, ?the Empire dissolved such-and-such liberty?, ?the Empire committed such-and-such massacre.? Why would you be mentioning these things if you didn?t have an unwarranted, undeserve-ed, unrelenting grudge against the Empire?? Jamie asked.

?Because they keep doing horrible things??

Jamie pointed. ?There you go again!?

?Objection!? Braken gestured to Jamie with an indignant expression on his face. ?Mr. Skywalker?s not on trial here!?

?Yes,? the judge reminded him, ?he is. He?s the defendant.?

?Oh. Right.? He sat down. ?Proceed.?

I've met some attorneys like this.

Anyway, please put me on that permanent list for PMs whenever you start a new story!

You're a genius.

 

"Objection!" Braken gestured to Jamie with an indignant expression on his face. "Mr. Skywalker's not on trial here!"

"Yes," the judge reminded him, "he is. He's the defendant."



Great RotS parody scene!

Ajian spoke slowly, carefully. "The Shark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered unnatural." He looked away. "Of course, after Kiro taught his assistant everything he knew, I sued Kiro for all he had and took his job."

Those Sharks...

Awww, I'm gonna miss MC DL to the Law. Oh well. It's still hilarious!

 

ale makes a grande entrance post-awards hangover.


Chapter 6
?No, you?re Trixie?s client.?

?Trixie?s prosecuting me.?

?What? Mere days after the breakup, and with my own client? The nerve!?

Ouch! (my jaw just popped while laughing)


?Oh snap,? Braken added.

?Mmm-hmm,? the Dark Lord agreed.

It's like an episode of "In Living Color"


?I?m right here,? Zokk said quietly. ?I am right here, having shown you nothing but love, and I am feeling this.?

And how does that make you feel? Dr. Fett asks his caller.

?So cold,? whispered Zokk.

myself to



I will be back for 7!





Double-Amazing-Extra-Awesome-Slightly-Giddying Permanent Starting Any New Story PM List

*waves hand all Jedi-like* Ale needs to be on that list.

 

?So, whoever destroyed the Death Star could have been doing so out of self-defense??

Atta boy, Zokk!

It was cool seeing the shockball fans again, hee hee.

*waits for the "All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Hopscotchers" poster to be marketed*


Unfortunately, the newly united Repulsor Sandos gang left the street trial and went directly into a shootout with police, wherein dance-fighting and snapping proved ineffective against blaster rifles.

You mean they're *not* effective?! There goes everything I've learned from musicals...


?Man, I don?t know? Say, where?s Smitty??
?I killed him.?

I love the casual, offhanded manner of the "killed" line. Well, that's how I pictured it at least. I hope you meant it that way.


I may be an omniscient narrator, but even I don?t know how Poitier got in the running.

LOL. So a character finally managed to get something past an omniscient narrator?

Great post! I'm looking forward to seeing what happens with Braksta* and Zokk and their last witness!

*This is an awesome nickname

-Thumper

 

For some reason this was my favourite part of the update. I think I just like people waving their arms around. It's a weakness of mine. Though then again, Braken trying to bribe the shockball guys to spell out 'Blame Wedge' was a truly brilliant tactic If only they had enough letters. Stupid shockball fans.

Zokks meeting was a great parallel of ROTS. Not from a Jedi, indeed!

Haha, and there's gotta be some special mention of the line "Your beats are a perversion of the Dark Side"

Brilliant update, Face!

 

Hmm. I again run into the problem of wishing to quote and for the second time laugh (at/with, whichever you please) all parts of this update. This could eventually become a problem. Stop being so frustratingly hilarious, kay?*

Zokk wiped the wetness from his eyes and looked again at the notes scrawled on his hand. Sweat had caused the majority of the low-grade ink to run, but he could make out a name. ?The defense calls Luke Skyhopper to the stand.?

?Skywalker,? Luke corrected.

Zokk squinted at the blurry name on his palm. ?Close enough.?

Skyhopper. Somehow it just doesn't have the same ring.

?Well, uh I was raised by my Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen on a moisture farm on Tatooine. They?re dead now, killed by the Empire. My real mother is dead now, killed by the Empire. My real father is dead now, killed by the Empire. I met R2 and Threepio when we bought them from some Jawas. The Jawas are dead now, killed by the Empire. Ben Kenobi and I took them into Mos Eisley. He?s dead now, killed by the Empire. We hired Han and Chewbacca to take us to Alderaan. That place is dead now, killed by the Empire. We rescued Leia, and I?ve been on the run ever since.?

Zokk didn?t notice that Luke hadn?t really described his childhood so much as a period of a few days from early adulthood. ?Okay, um, did you destroy the Death Star??

Luke glanced at Braken, who was shaking his head wildly, waving his arms, and mouthing ?No No No Nononononono.?

?No,? Luke lied uncomfortably.

?Can you describe what the Death Star was doing when it was destroyed??

*convulses with silent laughter, the kind that operates on a laugh-frequency too high to make noise and is very uncomfortable in the chest area*

?Objection!? Braken gestured to Jamie with an indignant expression on his face. ?Mr. Skywalker?s not on trial here!?

?Yes,? the judge reminded him, ?he is. He?s the defendant.?

?Oh. Right.? He sat down. ?Proceed.?

Classic!

The ghost of Obi-wan stood at the back of the courtroom now. ?Bull. Crap.?

I never did like that guy, come to think of it.

The younger man paused. That really was what his mother had taught him. That, and not to trust strangers unless they?d lost their pet and had the leash to prove it. The Hopscotcher family wisdom tended to be either bad, or uselessly specific. Or both.

Mr. Hopscotcher, reading the holo-newspaper in his smoking jacket, and chewing thoughtfully on his bubble pipe, pauses to tell his young son, ?Remember, Zokk, in life you have to grab the Sullustan lobster by the claws.?

*sniffs* How profound! Now if they would just fill those stupid graduation quotes books with little gems like that...

?Is it possible to learn this power?? Zokk asked.

Ajian smiled. He turned to face Zokk again. ?Not? from a Jedi.?

?What??

?Oh I?m sorry, I mean Braken. Not from Braken.?

?Oh well that makes a little more sense.?

ROTFL at that entire scene! What a clever spoof.

Braken shrugged. ?Oh, y?know, just some signals. I?m pretty good at picking up on them.?

Smooth, Braken. Smooth.

The Dathomiri Witch Trials proved a useless, predictable endeavor.

The pictures are always fun.

Solid all the way through! That is to say, I am out of breath from one continous holler of a laugh. Thanks!

P.S. Ditto for the update PM--hilarious!




*Disregard that.

 

?Objection!? Braken gestured to Jamie with an indignant expression on his face. ?Mr. Skywalker?s not on trial here!?

?Yes,? the judge reminded him, ?he is. He?s the defendant.?




Braken was quietly trying to bribe the chest-letter guys behind him to spell out BLAME WEDGE




?Zokk, do you know? thestoryof Sennel Kiro?? Ajian asked conversationally.

?Isn?t that the name of the guy who had your job before you??

Ah, if Anakin only knew to ask the same question.


?Is it possible to learn this power?? Zokk asked.

Ajian smiled. He turned to face Zokk again. ?Not? from a Jedi.?

?What??

?Oh I?m sorry, I mean Braken. Not from Braken.?


And what has Darth MAc DL gotten himself into?!?!?

Great stuff again Face!

 

Sorry, double post...

Actually it was so good I had to comment twice!

 

?Oh come on!? Luke stood. ?Where?s that ?certain point of view? crap when I need it??


?Well, uh I was raised by my Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen on a moisture farm on Tatooine. They?re dead now, killed by the Empire. My real mother is dead now, killed by the Empire. My real father is dead now, killed by the Empire. I met R2 and Threepio when we bought them from some Jawas. The Jawas are dead now, killed by the Empire. Ben Kenobi and I took them into Mos Eisley. He?s dead now, killed by the Empire. We hired Han and Chewbacca to take us to Alderaan. That place is dead now, killed by the Empire..."

First Tarkin with the revelations on how he's an alright guy; now the Empire as a whole being displayed as some sort of evil entity. I must say you certainly put a fantastic spin on these classic SW characters and organizations. How do you live with yourself??

?Objection!? Braken gestured to Jamie with an indignant expression on his face. ?Mr. Skywalker?s not on trial here!?

?Yes,? the judge reminded him, ?he is. He?s the defendant.?

?Oh. Right.? He sat down. ?Proceed.?





?But Sharks are unscrupulous,? Zokk countered calmly, remembering something from his education. ?They think only of paychecks.?

Ajian raised an eyebrow. ?And Suits don?t??

That whole bit - the homage to the opera scene in ROTS - fantastic.



Nice little West Side Story reference btw.
I can hear it now: Dear kindly judge your honor, my parents treat me rough. With all their smokin' Deathsticks, they won't give me a puff.

 

Dance fighting and bling make the galaxy a better place!
I was reading this whilst on the telephone with my supervisor. Happily, she already thinks I'm a lunatic.

Sorry I fell behind.

DRL bit my butt.

 

Oh my gosh, this story is totally HILARIOUS!! BRILLIANT!! LOVE the randomness and the clever lines and quotes.

 

Idrelle: ?What also floats?? I assume there?s an understood ?crazier? after ?making my day?.

Leona: Man, Luke is all stealing Obi-wan?s moves. That?s just no way to play it.

Well I guess it would depend what kind of leash they were carrying.

Tiger: I don?t know what My Cousin Vinnie is, and I don?t care to find out.

It?s the Empire. The judge is the jury. And often the executioner too.

lordmaul13: Ben Kenobi: UNRELIABLE

Dead guys are almost always the best ones to blame. Though it?s usually better if they were alive when the crime happened. But, hey, why be picky?

?Cheese it, the fuzz!? is a line I use often in RL. [Ed. Note: What is Face not telling us?!?]

NYCitygurl: I?m afraid it ends here. I wanted to cut this chapter up, but I couldn?t see a good place to make the division.

VaderLVR: Thanks, I?ll add you to the list!

amidalachick: MC D.L. to the Law actually wasn?t my favorite. I feared he was lame. Glad he apparently worked. Perhaps in fact by being lame. Goes to show what I know, I guess.

ale: Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: Post-awards hangover cure? I think I could market it that way, right?

[zombie-like] Ale needs to be on that list. [/zombie-like]

Thumper: That Hopscotcher poster sounds fantastic.

?Everything the Repulsors and Sandos Needed to Know About Life They Learned From Musicals ? and it Got Them Killed.?

Oh yeah, casual and offhanded is definitely the way to go with murder IMHO. Er.. I mean?

Characters: 1. Omniscient narrator: 0

LP: I?m glad you liked it; that whole BLAME WEDGE section is one of my personal faves as well. Same with ?Your beats are a perversion of the Dark Side.? So true.

furrylittlebantha: I will aim to be, perhaps, obnoxiously hilarious, or insufferably hilarious. Would that help?

Now if they would just fill those stupid graduation quotes books with little gems like that?

There could even be a poster in the middle.

ale again: Really, Anakin was just not prepared. You gotta ask the tough questions, Skywalker!

ale again again: Your replies are so appreciated I had to respond three times!

BigE: How do you live with yourself??

I hide whenever I see me coming, and wait for me to leave before raiding the fridge.

Look out, world, hear comes Darth Krupke!

oqi: No problem, same here. Glad I could reinforce others? opinions of your insanity.

JediXManSerenaKenobi: Random is my spec-ial-i-ty!

Thank you so much, everyone who has supported this story with your readership and replies.

---

[b]Chapter Eight[/b]

?It is absolutely imperative that one engages in combat in order to retain their otherwise alienable privilege of partaking in partying.? ? JusticeTron 450, regarding the landmark precedent [i]Beastie Boys v. The Man[/i]


Braken Starblaster was late.

This was not unusual, as his punctuality had been sabotaged from the beginning. There was, however, now a new sabotage.

?My suits.?

Braken stood at the threshold of a small room devoted entirely to suits. But now, said suits were all damaged. Some had paint tossed onto them. Some had evidence of wampa-caused rips and tears. Some had been [i]machine-washed.[/i]

?This is tragic. What kind of monster?? Braken?s eyes narrowed. ?Jamie. But how does he know suits are the secret to my success?? Braken was stretching a couple different definitions. ?Unless? Zokk! Why would he betray me like this??

[i]Ajian offers a plate to Zokk. ?Cookie??[/i]

?I have to get to my back-up wardrobe.? Braken ran out of the apartment, still in his robe and TIE Fighter boxers. This meant driving to his office at Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine, and then to the courtroom. He?d ne

 

That was brilliant. In fact I hear Alberto Gonzales is going to try that one to get himself of the hook. It's been hilarious. There's only one other thing I've ever read to make me laugh like that and that The Short Attention Span Theater Presents . . . by BlindMan.

Darn, I was hoping for more Braken.

 

Awesome twist ending! Didn't see that one coming at all! Braken is truly a genius.

Great story. Thanks for sharing.

 

A Deux Ex Machina Suit? Rather like an Improbability Drive, right? And a puffy pirate shirt. Oh my goodness. Such sartorial splendor!

Braken laughed. ?Ha! The joke?s on you; you?ve overestimated me yet again!?

Perfect!

Luke glared at the ghost behind him. ?This, Ben. This is what I am mad about.?

?My bad,? said the dead Jedi.

I can picture this. The only two sane ones in the room, and one?s a ghost.

This was hysterical! The photos had me laughing out loud. And the final notes, especially the one about the Willy Wonka/Mustafar scene ? just brilliant.


Loved this! Loved, loved, loved it. So funny!

 

OJ Simpson. That's awesome.

the copy-room, in which four clones were gathered.

It took a second but I got it.

Awesome job.

~lordmaul13

 

I want in on the suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

?Luke? I,? Vader said, ?am his father.?

This time the crowd did make a noise ? a collective gasp of surprise.

Luke glared at the ghost behind him. ?This, Ben. This is what I am mad about.?





That was great!!! I love the end -- Luke not existing

That was such an amazing story. I really, really enjoyed it. You are a hilarious man, Face


And I'd like to be added to the list of people who want to be PMed about any story (except new ones in the Galaxy Grey universe because I haven't made my way through them all yet).

This. Was. Brilliant.

 

LMAO! You ROCK, Nathan! I'm totally lovin' the idea of a chocoholic...teehee

 

HAHAHAHA!! Oh boy, randomness RULES THE GALAXY!!! I couldn't stop laughing. Hilarious!! I'm so devastated and horrifed. I couldn't be more dejected about it!!

Rock on!

 

Face, like JediXman here I am horrified, mortified, qualified that the story has come to an end. Though I can just hear Jamie Calrissian now...

"I motion for a Sequahl, your honah."



Brilliant conclusion to the story!

! At least they weren't hung on...wire hangers.

Among every part, my favourite parts were the sheets of warning glass that Braken had put in front of his emergency suit that increases his legal powers 1000 fold. I loved the copy room joke with the 4 clones and the motivational poster. And the image of the shocked faces (and cat) were the perfect cream on the comedy cake that was Braken's final argument. And today's moral was particularly awesome The unlikely verdict had that kind of Boston Legal 'we can win cases without a scrap of law' feeling to it, which is of course the best way to win court cases.

I've already gone on about how much I liked Jamie Calrissian so I'll let him be for this chapter Needless to say, Zokk's approach to the way he had betrayed Braken was gold. And this line was handled with such panache that it must be mentioned:

Just bravo

I loved this story Face - it was a comedy gem And I can't wait for more stories told with your particularly unique style

Edit - Which is to say, may I please be put on that double-awesome-list-thing that Mjs took great delight in naming?