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Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness (Luke on Trial, humor - complete 8/7)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by The_Face, Jun 25, 2007.

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  1. palpyisgod2

    palpyisgod2 Jedi Master star 2

    Aug 7, 2005
    you know what? put me on the Neverending Story list too!

    Great finale!

  2. Forcefire

    Forcefire Jedi Master star 4

    Jul 17, 2000
    Now that was a thrilling conclusion. Entertaining stuff, all around.

    OJ Simpson? You are the soul of timeliness. :p But it's funny, so, you know, free pass.

    ?This will take both of my wits!? Zokk chimed in.
    I appreciate that Zokk is so wholly honest.

    Also, great use of the next time to get in a bunch of jokes that didn't fit in to the main story.

    Funny stuff, all the way around.
  3. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Aww, it's over. :(

    Thanks for some great entertainment, Face. I had a blast reading this. :D

    Some of my favorite lines from the conclusion:

    "...But how does he know suits are the secret to my success?? Braken was stretching a couple different definitions.
    ?Look at him; he?s hugging Hopscotcher right now!?
    ?Something only an imaginary friend would do,? Braken interjected.
    "Warning shot!"
    ?If this thing doesn?t make some noise and bright light soon, I will be so mad!?

    LOL. But poor court stenographer!

    Random, disjointed comments:

    Ah, was that an Office Space reference in here? And "Are You There God?" from the PM (which was very funny but slightly scary at the end :p). The Death Star's black box was cool--I never thought about it having one, LOL. I want that "Teamwork" motivational poster. ;) The mentions of the Naboo and Bespin celebrations were great, as were the paralegals. [face_laugh]

    That was a very cool twist in the story, heh heh. Great way to end it. :)

    Please also put me on the DAEASGPANS (trademark of MJS) PM list. Thanks!

  4. BigE

    BigE Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 31, 2002
    ?We?ll always have Kressel.?

    ?You threw me out of a moving train.?

    ?Coruscant, then,? she suggested.

    Trixie frowned. ?Carida??

    ?You got all self-righteous because I cheated on the bar exam and hit me with a toaster oven.?


    ?Paralegals dropped onto our picnic site. One landed on my head.?


    ?Ewoks ate my pinky toe.?

    ?Braken, I just want to say I don?t hate you nearly as much as I said.?

    ?Which time??

    ?Pick one. Good bye.?

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Fabulous, once again.

    Nice work by Braken to conclude that Luke was a figment. =D=
  5. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Community Squirrel Whisperer star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Jul 7, 2000
    YOu've no idea how much this story has made me smile and brightened my day. :D :D

    ?Luke? I,? Vader said, ?am his father.?

    This time the crowd did make a noise ? a collective gasp of surprise.

    Luke glared at the ghost behind him. ?This, Ben. This is what I am mad about.?


    What? No! You ae truly evil!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  6. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 5, 2004
    Superb. Stupendous. Amazing. Darn good! :D

    ?Mr. Starblaster has three seconds to walk in before I kill his intern,? the Dark Lord of the Law announced to the court in general. The blood- and/or entertainment-thirsty crowd applauded this news. Zokk, caught up in the excitement, ignorantly clapped for his own impending doom.

    Braken burst through the door two seconds later, wearing the utterly silly Deus Ex Machina suit. ?I?m here!? he declared rather obviously. Everyone in the courtroom groaned except Zokk, who was just as pleased with this development as the last. Braken hurried to the defense table and tossed his briefcase onto it.

    ?Mr. Starblaster,? Zokk began.

    ?Can it, kid. You betrayed me.?

    Zokk?s face lit up. ?That is exactly what I was going to tell you about! We are so in sync right now!?

    [face_laugh] =D=
  7. amidalachick

    amidalachick Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Aug 3, 2003
    [face_laugh] :_| [face_laugh]

    That...was...incredible. I truly lol'd. OJ Simpson, the pictures, the suit, the twist, funny!


    Could you add me to the Any New Story etc. PM list, please? :D

    NATIONALGREATNESS Jedi Master star 1

    Dec 24, 2006
    This story was brilliant, and very funny. A shame it's ended....... [face_plain]

    The idea of a sequel entitled: "Braken Starblaster, Rebel Attorney" sounds incredibly funny! Why don't you write it? We'd all love it, and the whole dealing with the Chocoholic thing sounds so hilarious. :D

  9. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Jul 20, 2005
    You've got me lol'ing myself silly in first 32 words. [face_laugh]

    ?It is absolutely imperative that one engages in combat in order to retain their otherwise alienable privilege of partaking in partying.? ? JusticeTron 450, regarding the landmark precedent Beastie Boys v. The Man

    This chapter is liable to injure me and I'm not just saying that because I scrolled a head and saw the white Dodge Ram of ill repute.

    the copy-room, in which four clones were gathered. --that was terrible, but brilliant!

    It was the Deus Ex Machina Suit!!!! =D=
    Damn, if I'd come up with that TKoS could have been 6 pages long. [face_thinking]

    [face_laugh]=D= "And that is a twist at least as good as ?The Sixth Sense?.?

    ?Paralegals dropped onto our picnic site. One landed on my head.? That is best use of that word I've seen all day!

    Face, this has been one of the funniest stories that I've read in a long time. Wow. You're a master of both noir and humor. Brilliant work.

    Keep me on that super special list.


    Oh and this was too damn funny not to quote, Braken screamed across a chocolate river at Gene Wilder. ?From my point of view, vanilla is evil!?

  10. Idrelle_Miocovani

    Idrelle_Miocovani Jedi Master star 6

    Feb 5, 2005
    He burst through the door, and started running down the hall. He ran past
    ? the secretary droid, who was answering comm calls. ?Galactic Empire, how may we oppress you today? Please hold.?

    ? CL-113/9, who was trying his stand-up material in front of a motivational holo-poster.

    TEAMWORK: Together we can rule the galaxy.
    ? Ajian?s office, from which the sounds of the 24-hour Skywalker Trial Coverage Network could be heard.

    ? the copy-room, in which four clones were gathered.

    ? an unnamed character?s office, wherein Gorgonzola the Hutt was explaining to his attorney his unjustifiable crimes in the area of the human-in-carbonite-statue black market (largely considered the blackest market in interior decorating).

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    My, what a comprehensive list!

    Zokk continued, ?Ajian told me all this stuff about Sennel Kiro, and the power of the Sharks, and? and?? Zokk sighed. ?He had cookies, Braken. I?m sorry I was weak.?

    ?Chocolate chip cookies?? Braken asked.

    ?Yes of course.?


    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Well, you know how evil chocolate chip cookiees are? [face_devil]

    ?Luke Skywalker.?

    ?And? your name is??

    ?Darth Vader.?

    ?Yeah but?? Braken braced himself for death. ?Like your real name??

    Vader?s expressionless mask stared back at the attorney. His slow breathing continued in an otherwise complete silence. Braken could feel a tingle running along his throat. It grew stronger, and the dim lawyer became aware of a growing pressure.

    ?Anakin Skywalker.?

    Braken?s eyes opened. His neck had been released. He touched it tenderly just to make sure he was still there and alive. The crowd was clearly shocked, but too afraid of Vader to murmur amongst themselves. ?Your? relationship with Luke? Is... Is there??

    ?Luke? I,? Vader said, ?am his father.?

    This time the crowd did make a noise ? a collective gasp of surprise.

    Luke glared at the ghost behind him. ?This, Ben. This is what I am mad about.?

    ?My bad,? said the dead Jedi.

    :eek: :eek: :eek:

    *gasp* Dundundun!

    That was completely brilliant, The_Face. I LOVED the ending? I don?t think I?ve ever laughed so hard at a fic before. :p

    Terrific! =D=
  11. Kelli_LB

    Kelli_LB Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 24, 2006
    I cannot believe I missed this story. I just found it a few days ago and I'm sad to see it end. This is a work of genius and one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. There are so many hilarious moments, too many to list. However, here are my favorites from the last chapter.

    ?It is absolutely imperative that one engages in combat in order to retain their otherwise alienable privilege of partaking in partying.? ? JusticeTron 450, regarding the landmark precedent Beastie Boys v. The Man

    I laughed about five minutes straight when I read that. I did the same with this line:

    Braken screamed across a chocolate river at Gene Wilder. ?From my point of view, vanilla is evil!?

    Wouldn't have been awesome if the climatic battle at the end of RoTS would have been done next to a chocolate river? Ok, maybe not, but it would have been much funnier.

  12. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 22, 2003
    TigerofRobare: I heard the attorneys were fired for disagreements on OT/PT issues. [face_shh]

    jedi_of_ennth: Glad the twist worked. It?s silly, but that?s fitting with the rest of it. 8-}

    divapilot: And a puffy pirate shirt

    But I don?t WANNA be a PIRATE!!

    Once I got the lava river/chocolate river as Mustafar/Wonka?s Chocolate Factory idea, I knew that had to be in there.

    lordmaul13: I think the subtle OJ references are the funniest at this point.

    Clones in the copy room is one of those gags I didn?t think was that great, but I try not to let quality get in the way of quantity. :p

    ;) I?ll see what I can do.

    NYCitygurl: Can you believe it? Luke Skywalker, not real! Of all people! ;)

    I?ll sling a PM your way when non-Noir material arrives. But the latest GN has really grabbed hold of my muse, so it?s been moved up to be my next project. Its prequel one-poster should be up some time soon.

    Eruanne: I am just trying to educate the world on the dangers of addictive sweets. It?s serious business. [face_plain]


    JediXManSerenaKenobi: Emperor Randomness thanks you for your support. He also sends along the message ?MOOSE?. It?s his nature.

    A Jamie Calrissian response! :D Fantastic, terrific, linguistic!

    LP: A Jamie Calrissian response! :D Fantastic, terrific, linguistic!

    I admit I crack up every time I see that cat. Just? [face_laugh]

    Crane, Poole, and Schmidt is probably the only firm that can compete with Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine for sheer insanity.

    Name: Added.

    palpyisgod2: Now I imagined Braken riding that big white dragon through the sky. Thanks a lot for that. [face_plain]

    ;) Name: Added.

    Forcefire: Oh man, I am on the cutting edge. Hey, what?s up with Prohibition, amirite?

    Also, great use of the next time to get in a bunch of jokes that didn't fit in to the main story.

    What else is it for? To preview what happens next time? I THINK NOT

    My biggest regret is not finding a place for Braken to say, ?I?ve made a huge mistake.? :p It?s not my trick, Matthew.*

    Thumper: Todd Rebo had it coming for bringing those chocolate brownies to the sabacc game. Harumph.

    I got the idea for the Death Star black box from playing Empire at War. In the Zann Consortium campaign, you have to recover some stuff from the ruins of said Star of Death. Why not a black box?

    Name: Added.

    BigE: It?s about time the Ewoks got to eat at least some human flesh. Always thwarted every other time.

    Leona: ?Truly evil?? Moi? [face_blush] You?re too kind.

    VaderLVR: Zokk, finally connecting with Braken. Isn?t it sweet?

    amidalachick: Name: Added.

    NATIONALGREATNESS: I?m not ruling anything out, in case a plot bunny bites me. There are no plans for sequelitude, but that doesn?t mean it couldn?t change. It?s really all up to my muse. I?ve got no say in the matter. :p

    oqi: If TKoS had been six pages long, I would have been quite upset. [face_shame_on_you] Though I could see Maz wearing the Deus Ex Machina Suit. :p

    Idrelle: Never underestimate the evil of chocolate chips. Chunks are even more sinister.

    Kelli_LB: Glad you came across it!

    I?m sure George will rerelease Star Wars once Smell-o-vision technology is perfected, and we can have that chocolate river Mustafar scene.

    For the record, the updated
    Double-Amazing-Extra-Awesome-Slightly-Giddying Permanent Any New Story PM List (a registered trademark of Mjsullivan)
  13. JediXManSerenaKenobi

    JediXManSerenaKenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 27, 2007
    Haha!! Jerry Seinfeld.. I LOVE that episode!!

    Kramer: But Jerry, ya gotta wear the puffy shirt!

    Jerry: But I don't wanna wear the puffy shirt!

    Hehe... there should be an official Star Wars Club of Randomness. I salute Emperor Randomness! *bows humbly*

    I'm so sad this story's over...
  14. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 22, 2003
    Thanks again JediXManSerenaKenobi!

    Of course, by definition, such a club would be completely disorganized and utterly PANCAKE

    To add some more content, I'm including the PM updates for the story as bonus material. So if you weren't on the list, this is your chance to read my small attempts at making the notification interesting. :)

    Chapter 1
    Subject: Do You Need Imperial Legal Services?
    Then the law offices of Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine are on the case! We can get you the settlement you deserve; jail your murderer, or someone who looks like him; and maybe even get you that divorce! Just follow the link. One of our many esteemed professionals is standing by to dismiss your concern.

    [link]Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness[/link]
    LEGAL NOTICE: You have received this PM because somewhere, sometime you requested it. If this is untrue, please don't sue us. We're not ready for that.

    Chapter 2
    Subject: Dear Braken
    Dear Braken Starblaster,

    My friend ?Luke? claims that the Death Star is a space station. I contend that it?s a moon. Who?s right? There?s a dinner out riding on this!1!

    Arguing (Semantics) Near Alderaan

    Dear Arguing,

    According to the precedent set in Poggle the Lesser v. Tarkin, the Death Star has been technically classified as a fully operational space station, but due to its great mass, is subject to a number of extra restrictions on what it can and cannot influence with its gravity. Thus it is required to bear license plates reflecting status as both a space station and a moon. Your friend is correct. Please send payment for this legal counseling to [link]Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney[/link]

    Chapter 3
    Subject: From the Holonet News Archive

    Stormtrooper 5601, known to many as ?Skitzy?, has recently sued himself in Imperial court. Skitzy is afflicted with multiple personality disorder, and claims that the goofy one is making the others look bad. His case is expected to be quickly dismissed by the Dark Lord of the Law, who may also kill him for wasting the court?s time. Skitzy?s attorney is [link]Braken Starblaster[/link]

    Chapter 4
    Subject: Seriously!
    What is the deal with update PMs?

    First off, it?s only one capital off from something I definitely don?t need to deal with in any way, shape or form. I like a story and all of a sudden I?m getting one of these things every time this idiot decides to post! It?s like a cry for validation. An update PM is basically this author running up to you as the cat who wants you to see the mouse she just killed. Okay, you killed it; only every other cat has done that in the history of catkind! Geez louise!

    And what is the deal with [link]Space Attorneys?[/link]

    (Today?s update PM brought to you by Jerry Seinfeld. It does not reflect the views of the author,, Jerry Seinfeld, or anyone at all really.)

    Chapter 5
    Subject: The Imperial Mind
    As a psychologist, I am always on the look-out for interesting, profitable, bizarre, or tasteless case studies. So it is that the B.A.C.T.A. Institute of Coruscant?s hidden spy cameras ? which you may remember we installed five months ago for the studies on voyeurism and privacy ? came upon a man named [link]Braken Starblaster.[/link]

    This human is truly remarkable. He is a dichotomous mixture of brash arrogance and crippling self-doubt. Note also his tenuous relationship with all his peers, as he dances to avoid a sharp comparison between himself and these others, knowing somewhere within his intelligence-challenged brain that he would come up undeniably short. Furthermore, witness his even worse family interaction. His father was a chocoholic, and B.S. shows all the classic signs of a personality that would easily addict to the sweet stuff.

    What a nutjob!

    - Dr. Tobias Schenn?ker,
    B.A.C.T.A. Institute of Coruscant

  15. JadeSolo

    JadeSolo Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 20, 2002
    I'm so far behind on this, so I'm using you as a study break. Which is actually a bad thing since I have more to say about this one post than a very important Supreme Court case from 18whatever. :p

    Chapter 2 dirty mind had quite a bit to laugh about.

    I sympathize. Those mazes are really hard. :(

    Jamie's speech pattern brings to mind John Travolta just before he sings "Greased Lightning." In fact it brings to mind John Travolta in general. I'm not sure what to make of that.

    Having survived my first two days of law school, this story has become very special to me. [face_love] [face_laugh] If only all the cases assigned for class read like this one...

    XP, eh? Good thing - the Vista version would probably crash. Not that I really care. I use Macs. We have the Genius Bar!

    That is just awesome.

    Ha! Blue Screen of Death!

    I don't know...this guy sounds like he's from Jersey. :p

    Thus endeth my study break. I foresee many more in the near future. [face_mischief]
  16. JadeSolo

    JadeSolo Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 20, 2002
    Another study break in between classes. This is much more interesting than reading about personal jurisdiction. :p

    Chapter Three

    =D= Way to put a new spin on the old formula. I love that his armor keeps falling apart. Either that's bad manufacturing, or he's just really...strong.

    [face_laugh] I'll bet!

    One step closer to a free sandwich, woohoo! That's quite a deal.

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] My favorite bit of this chapter.

    Unconstitutional!!!!!!! Or just move for summary judgment, that would be okay. But then this is a criminal case (yes?) and not a civil case, so I don't know how they I have no life.

    Also, please write an episode of Deceiv'd. :p
  17. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 22, 2003
    Jade, you are taking breaks from reading about the RL legal system to read about the Star Wars legal system. Just saying. :p


    Jamie is fundamentally different from John Travolta in several ways, and not starring in Battlefield: Earth is only one of them.

    But Jade, I'm using Vista right nERROR ERROR REPLY 404 NOT FOUND

    I worked really hard on that carbonite-pinata punishment idea. I'm a bit off in the head. :p

    Scruffy is from Jersey just like Shmi is from Sweden.

    Have you seen the way stormies take blaster bolts? That's just bad craftsmanship Skitzy is bringing to light.

    There is no constitution in space. There is only The Empire. dun dun dunnnnhh

    Ha, I don't know if I could stretch the Deceiv'd gag out that long. Wait, dangit, now you're giving me plot bunnies. Blast you, JadeSolo! BLAAAAAAST YOOOOOU!!

    (Face rides away, cat in lap, shaking his fist)

    ;) Thanks so much for reading and replying! :)
  18. 1Yodimus_Prime

    1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master star 4

    Mar 13, 2004
    Loved it, man! LOVED IT.
    Yeah that's right. I employed the underline feature.

    For you.

    But, of course I loved it. If I hated it, you wouldn't be hearing from me. At least not here. Oh, I'd probably PM you a threatening message or two, perhaps suggesting that I know things like where you live and where you sleep at night, and you might see a dark figure with a knife or a gun who looks suspciously like me lurking in the shadows outside your house, sure, but the point is I'd never ever go so far as to say something negative here. That would be rude. I only reserve public responses to those stories I love. (unless I haven't read them yet. That makes things complicated)
    Anyway, the point is, this was hilarious. Need I say more?


    That Vader inspirational poster concept was awesome, so I decided to turn it into an real-looking poster:

    (click for optimum effect)

    Bravo sir. =D=
    And I apologize for killing your dog. I misread the address.
  19. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 22, 2003
    Yod, the underline?! You shouldn't have. [face_blush]

    [face_laugh] Absolutely beautiful.

    No sweat. Happens to the best of us.

    Many thanks for reading and replying, Yod!
  20. Knight_Aragorn

    Knight_Aragorn Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 15, 2003
    Obviously keeping up to date in my reading is not a skill I possess. [face_blush] So glad I managed to finally get caught up with the last couple of chapters in all their brilliance. Never saw that twist coming - obviously Braken's Deus Ex Machina Suit has special powers indeed. [face_hypnotized] Loved the motivational posters and the receptionist with the "how may we oppress you today?" (among many other hilarious lines) :D

    Fantastic work, I really enjoyed reading (and re-reading). =D=
  21. AnakinsFavorite

    AnakinsFavorite Jedi Knight star 5

    Apr 10, 2006
    For some odd reason today- perhaps it was me trying to procrastinate on doing dreaded homework- I found this and decided to read it. I soon felt justified in my procrastination- this was frigging funny!

    I have a few lawyers in the family, so I found this especially funny. I can't even begin to list all the funny parts. Draken was fantastically stupid. I think I like Skitzo best- where he took himself to court... with all of his personalities (not to mention the post where he was interrogating Luke!). The chocolate bit... I'm gonna think about that every time I indulge in my favorite guilty pleasure!

    The end was a bit of a suprise- I thought of that one Twilight Zone- but couldn't stop laughing as I read how Luke got off... and how that came back to bite him in the, erm. ankle after that!

    This was such an entertaining read- and so witty too! Are there any other such pieces of works by you that will make me laugh as much as I did this past hour??!

    Awesome work!

  22. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 22, 2003
    Knight_Aragorn: Thanks very much for the read and reply; glad you could catch up with the goings-ons at Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine. :D

    AF: Happy to postpone your education. :p

    The_Face - Giving readers strange new associations with food since Feb '03.

    As for other humor pieces...

    [link=]This challenge response[/link] is the closest in terms of surreality.

    [link=]The Astoundingly Amazing, One and Only Boushh[/link] isn't as good as Starblaster, but it has its laughs and it's full-length.

    [link=]My collaboration with Mjsullivan[/link] isn't an all-out humor fic, but it's close and it has 'splosions.

    I try to work humor into all my stories, but this one is definitely the densest jokes per capita. :p

    Many thanks for reading and replying! :D
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