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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Politico: Revenge of Vengeance (complete)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by The_Face, May 9, 2011.

  1. Jedi Trace

    Jedi Trace Former RSA star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Dec 15, 1999
    It's Luna's fault that I started reading this story, and now I must send her cupcakes as thanks. (winky face)

    Really, though - I love it! :D Please add me to your PM listy thingy.


    ?I don't think you have to change the name of a weekday to protect its anonymity.?

    .....just *dies*

    [face_laugh]

     
  2. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    frodogenic:Thing is, I didn't originally intend for his/the narrator's typo-hypocrisy (or ?typocrisy?) to be part of that joke. At first I just thought it was a funnier phrasing, until I realized its true grammar gag potential.

    Luna: Oh, poor Dark. We'll be keeping tabs on that relationship as it develops.

    See, that knowledge makes me want to get the news to you in increasingly awkward places/times. How do I tweet from this thing.

    Kelli: It occurs to me that the hyper-sage Luke I wrote for long-ago humor fic The Astoundingly Amazing One and Only Boushh would actually love living with the cult. The more canony Luke here, though, is understandably ill at ease with it.

    Ale: Now that's living.

    Daena: Forget mountaintops; escalators are a real challenge.

    Leona: Lando's my favorite.

    Thumper: Braken's actions have consequences... for everyone else. :p

    Trace: Traci, my caped friend, you are happily added!


    Everyone: Thank you, thank you for R&Ring!

    In other news, I have officially completed this fic! I'll do some more editing work, but the scenes are all written. The final word count is 43,834 over 19 chapters. If I sent this story out on Twitter, it would take 1,649 and a half tweets.

    [image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/Gags/The_More_You_Know.jpg]


    Dramatis Personae

    Mayor's Office
    Braken Starblaster: Acting Mayor. Former lawyer, current buffoon.
    Zokk Hopscotcher: Deputy Mayor. Braken's protégé, a naïve imbecile.
    Ajian Doufoom: Chief of staff. Christopher Walken.
    Finn: Campaign manager. Floating brain with tentacles.
    Henshu Vennom: Press secretary. Also an illegal Dark Jedi.
    Merri Nebulos: Secretary. Sweet, fairly normal girl. Clearly in the wrong story.

    Beamray Campaign
    Ace Beamray: Loose cannon mayoral candidate and noted Corellian.
    Trixie McVzlste: Braken's ex-girlfriend. She stopped practicing Imperial law on moral grounds.

    Everyone Else
    Jamie Calrissian: District Attorney. Braken's longtime rival, sometimes ally.
    Dark Lord of the Law: Does what it says on the box.
    Skitzy (Stormtrooper 5601): Stormtrooper with multiple personalities and delusions.
    Charal: Dathomiri witch, the Dark Lord of the Law's girlfriend






    [b]Chapter Five:
    Raising Hell ? I Mean, Funds[/b]

    Campaign fund-raising is a two-fold process. The first fold is finding a lot of rich people. The second is telling them what they want to hear. If you want to add feeding them as a third fold, that is your business, but it certainly can't hurt.
    ? [i]So You Want To Run For Office, 2nd Edition[/i] by Clifford Noté


    With all the confidence in his step and tricks up his sleeve afforded to him by one fifty-eight-minute session with Lando Calrissian, Braken Starblaster was feeling good about his chances. Specifically, his chances with Trixie. He was far less worried about his chances of raising the money he would need to win the election, which was, you know, the whole point of the dinner they were at.

    Braken spied the small blonde object of his desire reading a promotional pamphlet. He approached quietly and from behind while his target was reading about Braken Starblaster, much like your killer.

    ?Read anything you like?? Braken purred into her ear.

    Trixie reflexively elbowed him in the trachea.

    ?Oh, Braken. You startled me,? she said without concern.

    ?[i]Hhhhhh[/i],? Braken replied.

    ?I was reading your brochure here.?

    ?That is no brochure! It is a pamphlet, fool,? Henshu yelled from the other side of the pamphlet table, ?fashioned in the proud historical tradition of political pamphlets!?

    Braken nodded, still unable to speak and barely accomplishing breath.

    Trixie rolled her eyes. ?Sorry, pamphlet. It's a little generous, don't you think??

    ?In what ways?? Braken wheezed.

    ?Well it seems to imply you invented the entire legal system and lists you as 210 centimeters tall.?

    ?Ha ha! Perhaps on your
     
  3. Luna_Nightshade

    Luna_Nightshade Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    I LOVE the SaeseeTones. Such revolutionaries, those singers. The dinner was also priceless... all the "We kid, we kid!" and the anger against the excessively priced plates was hilarious. Everything was hilarious. You have no idea how bad I needed this today. Whoooeeee. Thank you for posting it. [:D]

    EDIT: WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT COLT 45 COMMERCIAL!!!! IT WAS EPICALLY LANDO!!!!!

    //end caps
     
  4. Kelli_LB

    Kelli_LB Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 24, 2006
    Arrayed before a gleeful Braken were all five SaeseeTones, each nearly indistinguishable from the last to all but the trained eyes of a true fan or the scientists who designed them. There was Rick'ee, the leader. There was Mick'ee, the sensitive one. There was Vinn'ee, the bad boy. There was Bil'ee, the one allergic to shellfish. And there was Kyn, the undercover Intelligence agent assigned to protect them and play tambourine. Bil'ee was Braken's favorite. He knew better than to say so, however. Especially knowing Vinn'ee's temper.

    [face_laugh] This was great, I especially loved the bit about the bad boy being the most disappointing.

    Great work, as usual, Henshu is quickly becoming my favorite character.
     
  5. Raptor517

    Raptor517 Jedi Knight star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 2006
    The SaeseeTones were a group of five teenagers genetically engineered to be the hottest sensation among Imperial youths. Their songs kept to safe, non-revolutionary messages like the joys of driving a speeder at the legal speed with the proper license and registration, holding hands for stretches of four minutes at a time, and reporting the possibly treasonous behavior of your neighbors. Their hooks were carefully programmed to latch on to the mind of the average nine-to-fifteen-year-old girl.

    [face_laugh][face_laugh][face_laugh]
     
  6. Arin_Atona

    Arin_Atona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2004
    Aaaaaand that's a wrap. Ace cannot repel baloney of this magnitude.

     
  7. DaenaBenjen42

    DaenaBenjen42 Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    May 15, 2005
    ?I was reading your brochure here.?

    ?That is no brochure! It is a pamphlet, fool,? Henshu yelled from the other side of the pamphlet table, ?fashioned in the proud historical tradition of political pamphlets!?


    With or without that touch of Thomas Paine? (And Henshu immitating BA Baracus... [face_laugh] )

    ?Well it seems to imply you invented the entire legal system and lists you as 210 centimeters tall.?

    Ah. Without.


    And... you know, when it said Colt 45, it wasn't a beverage that came to mind. :oops:
     
  8. Forcefire

    Forcefire Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 17, 2000
    He approached quietly and from behind while his target was reading about Braken Starblaster, much like your killer.

    Braken Starblaster, Space Politico: Revenge of Vengeance implicates its readers in its madness! We are rendered complicit with the corruption of the Imperial system, enablers of a contest between a vacuous idiot and a Braken Starblaster (terms may or may not be synonyms)! Only by tearing ourselves away from this fic can we serve justice and- ooh, the Saesseetones, more, more!
     
  9. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    If Zokk thinks he's a natural skeptic, I'd be scared to see what he thinks is optimistic/ non-skeptical. :p

    Watch out for your soul, Zokk! [face_worried] (BTW, Hutt tongue? Eeeewww.)


    Their hooks were carefully programmed to latch on to the mind of the average nine-to-fifteen-year-old girl.

    ?Have I? I own both your albums!? Braken exclaimed


    I hope Braken's old coach didn't hear him say that.


    Introducing...the SaeseeTones and One Year Down: SaeseeTones' Greatest Hits Volume One.

    That's just awesome. [face_laugh]

    Henshu's quest for the person responsible for the expensive "dinnerware" was great, and so was watching Dark squirm while listening to Charal.

    Excellent work, Face! :D
     
  10. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Luna: It works every time.

    Kelli: Could Henshu be the breakout star of the year?? Look out, Jane Lynch and Jaleel White!

    Raptor: The SaeseeTones are multiple Space Grammy winners!

    Arin: If there's one thing Braken can do (and that seems possible), it's baloney.

    Daena: It was the song, right? :p

    Forcefire: I'm all about the bread and circus. Bread is certainly preferable to those ?peanuts? most circuses opt for at any rate.

    Thumper: Zokk's so cynical, he doesn't even believe that every vending machine is a miracle ? only that most are.

    Zokk's so cynical, he thinks that Sith are mean on purpose.

    Zokk's so cynical, he doesn't trust that everything in the fiction section actually happened.

    Everyone: Thanks very much for reading, and for the replies!






    [b]Chapter Six:
    A Social Network[/b]

    ?You don't get to 500 million recipes without baking a few sea anenomes.?
    ? prodigy restauranteur Mon Parthenn, to Spacebook founder Kip Lazerberg


    ?You're probably wondering why I called this meeting,? Braken said.

    ?[i]I[/i] called this meeting,? Finn said.

    Braken exhaled. ?Oh thank goodness; I had no idea where I was going with that.?

    Finn floated to the head of the table. The core staff of the mayor's office was assembled there in the conference room once again. ?Our fundraiser dinner last night was a mixed ----ing bag, loves, let me tell you that. The good news is we met [i]most[/i] of our goals ? do [i]not[/i] clap, Zokk baby ? and we got the SaeseeTones to agree to a meeting here tomorrow ? Braken, do not weep openly.?

    Braken wiped some tears from the edge of his eyes. ?I just feel like the luckiest boy in the Core.?

    ?You should not. Now when I say 'most' of our goals, you know what that means?? Finn asked. He slammed a tentacle on the table before anyone could answer. ?It means 'not ----ing all.' It means there's ----- left un-----ed, darlings. That ---- is wasteful. We're not gonna be doing that ----. But there's no use crying about it. You hear me, Merri??

    Merri sniffed. ?I started when Mr. Starblaster started. I'm a sympathetic cryer, and my father was the sad clown.?

    ?Let's table the discussion of Merri's ------ childhood,? Finn said. ?We got work to do. And this is where the SaeseeTones come in. We need a slice of the young voter.?

    ?I'll fetch my spare sabers,? Henshu suggested helpfully. This was finally an idea he could get behind.

    Finn adjusted his sunglasses and cleared a throat that he clearly did not have. Remember, he is basically a floating brain with tentacles. ?Metaphorical, Henshu, darling. Love that enthusiasm, though. No, I'm talking about guerrilla marketing.?

    ?What's that?? Zokk asked.

    ?It's called gorilla marketing because it hits harder than an angry primate's fist,? Braken explained.

    Finn let that one go. ?A hit SaeseeTones single is the first part of that. The next part, which you all are going to be working on, is the social networking. These new voters don't have loyalties ingrained yet. They're soft and malleable. We can shape ? I mean, warp ? their minds with the Holonet. I know what you're thinking: Isn't the Holonet just a bunch of nerdy ------s and perverts??

    ?Nobody was thinking that,? Merri whispered.

    ?I've one word for you, compound: Spacebook. Spacebook accounts for 97% of clicks on the Holonet, ever since a malfunctioning droid got stuck in an infinite loop of rebleeps. This is the future, gents and lady. If we can connect with people on this site better than Ace Beamray's people, we can get the votes we need. I guaran-bloody-tee. So today I want all of you ----------s out there signing up an account, and viral marketing away!?


    * * * * * *

    Braken hunt-and-pecked his way through the sign-up form for Spacebook. The first few fields were easy: Name, Gender, Species, Occupation, Planet... Then came the more advanced questions: Looking For, Interested In, Searching For, Questing For, Ulterior Motives... Once he was through those, it was time to add frie
     
  11. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrel Wrangler of Fun & Games star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    Time to play catch up. :D

    Vampire Farm Mafia? Good lord, I could not stop laughing at this! Damn addictive games! :p
     
  12. Kelli_LB

    Kelli_LB Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 24, 2006
    They were. Many gangs are notorious for their ?blood in, blood out? rules, wherein new recruits and retirees are beaten savagely. The Black Sun legal department operates in more of a ?cupcakes in, cupcakes out? capacity.

    Strangely enough, this is how I left my last job. ;)

    Great work, I love the part where Braken signed up for Spacebook. Poor guy, no one wants to be his friend. [face_laugh]
     
  13. Luna_Nightshade

    Luna_Nightshade Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    I adore this image of Spacebook, and his playtime with memes and his lack of any accomplishments of merit. But of course going to a bunch of meetings and tying himself to others' accomplishments is a solid plan of attack! And Trixie... haha, I love her showing up to discuss their "past." This just gets better and better, and I about spit liquids out my nose when I read the PM. Priceless.
     
  14. Arin_Atona

    Arin_Atona Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2004
    I'd leave a reply, but I'm irked that Braken still hasn't accepted my Spacebook friend request.

    BRB, gotta rough up a few more farmhands before dawn.
     
  15. Jedi Trace

    Jedi Trace Former RSA star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Dec 15, 1999
    I ----ing LOVE Finn! I want a ----ing friend just like him, tentacles and all. [face_alien_1]

    LOL'd forreals at Spacebook. And the PM that preceded this last chapter. [face_laugh]

    Looking forward to the SaeseeTones. :D
     
  16. DaenaBenjen42

    DaenaBenjen42 Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    May 15, 2005
    No. Firearms...

    From there, he discovered Vampire Farm Mafia, a Spacebook game about the inherent difficulties of running a crop protection scheme when one can't enter daylight.

    ...thank you, Face. So, so needed that chuckle. (And I'm not sure that Zynga wouldn't try to pull it off, either!)

    Trying to get votes via social media... [face_laugh]
     
  17. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    Zokk's so cynical, he doesn't trust that everything in the fiction section actually happened.

    [face_laugh]

    The PM was great, and this was one of my favorite updates so far. :) It was stuffed full of funness: Todd Rebo, Lolbots, Vampire Farm Mafia (I laughed so hard at the description. I would totally play that), Space Canada's Tim Horton's...

    ...and lines like these:

    ?I'll fetch my spare sabers,? Henshu suggested helpfully. This was finally an idea he could get behind.

    I'm curious about which one of Skitzy's personalities has the Spacebook account. :p I'm also curious to see if anyone besides Zokk will ever friend Braken.

    I do feel kinda bad for Braken if he has to go to tons of committee meetings though. :p

    Awesome update! :D
     
  18. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Leona: The Surgeon General hates Vampire Farm Mafia.

    Kelli: Better cupcakes than blood, that's what I always say! I should say other things sometimes, maybe!

    Luna: Nose-spitting is a dangerous hobby.

    Arin: Good luck.

    Trace: Finn is a valuable ------- friend. You sure as ---- don't want him as an enemy.

    Daena: Call me, Zynga! I have million-dollar ideas. But prices are negotiable.

    Thumper: Skitzy is the rare person who has an excuse to like his own statuses.

    One and all: Thanks very much for your readership and comments! :D






    [b]Chapter Seven:
    An Anthem for a New Age[/b]

    ?Ooh baby baby baby baby hey hey yeah.?
    ? The SaeseeTones


    Skitzy the stormtrooper detective stepped out from the pitch black shadows into the only-mostly-black shadows. ?You're a hard woman to find,? he called out.

    Slowly, a humanoid figure dressed head-to-toe in black turned around to face Skitzy. Golden-yellow eyes peered out from a horizontal sliver in the otherwise head-encompassing mask. This was Len-bai, cosmo-ninja.

    ?Who are you?? Len-bai asked.

    ?Stormtrooper 5601. Everybody calls me Skitzy.?

    ?And you've learned to live with it??

    ?You have a lip!? Skitzy observed. ?Where the heck does a ninja get a lip??

    Len-bai turned to leave.

    ?Wait! I've got some questions for you.?

    ?Why should I answer your questions??

    ?You're the suspect. When the detective asks you questions, you answer,? Skitzy said. He started flipping through his notepad. ?Oh, wait. Ohhh you're doing that thing where you're grudging about it. Very good then.?

    ?You are an odd man,? Len-bai said.

    ?You know what this is?? Skitzy held up a throwing star.

    ?It's a cosmo-ninja throwing star.?

    ?Specifically, the kind thrown by [i]cosmo-ninjas![/i]? Skitzy said in his best [i]gotcha[/i] tone. ?Stars much like this one were found in the bodies of Mayor Anax and Deputy Mayor Zuun.?

    ?Why don't you have the actual stars??

    ?Those are in Evidence. At the police station. In little zip-up baggies. Probably a box of some kind, on a shelf. They were not convenient to get to. Anyway, you get the point with this.? Skitzy waggled his demonstration star at the ninja of indeterminate species. ?How do you explain that, huh??

    ?A cosmo-ninja probably killed them??

    ?Ha! [i]I[/i] think a [i]cosmo-ninja[/i] killed them!?

    ?That doesn't really mean anything. Anybody could have hired one of us.?

    ?But who did??

    ?I neither know nor care.?

    Just before the two parted ways, Skitzy pulled out a trick he'd learned from his binge diet of procedurals ? nailing the suspect with your shocking last question. Chewing on his writing utensil, he said, ?Ah, just one more thing, ma'am.?

    ?Yes??

    ?How do I get back to the tram from here??


    * * * * * *

    Braken returned to the office exhausted from the first of many meetings that week. This one had been for the Imperial Alliance To End Nepotism, headed by Thal Kerrif, Jr. Other members included vice president Thal Kerrif III, secretary Thal H. Kerrif, Nev Kerrif, Braken Starblaster, and Feeney Whillington (butler to the illustrious Kerrif family). Discussions included What's For Dinner, Secret Santa, When Is Nev Going To Marry a Nice Corulag Girl, and Budget Updates. Braken found himself the swing vote in the third issue.

    [i]Braken points at the young woman on the screen. ?She may look friendly, and sure she comes from a good family, but she will [/i]rip[i] your heart out, Nev! She will rip it right out!?[/i]

    After all that bickering, Braken was looking forward to turning the opacity on his office windows to 100%, locking the door, and napping away the afternoon. Upon entering the main office, however, he spied something that turned his plans upside-down, inside-out, and tied them in a fourth-dimensional knot.

    Braken froze for a moment before ducking down behind the reception desk. Merri peeked over the edge down at him. ?Mr. Mayor??

    ?Merri,? Braken said, ?is that who I think it is??

    Merri turned and looked. ?Zokk? Do you think he's Zokk? Don't worr
     
  19. Luna_Nightshade

    Luna_Nightshade Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    Oh.

    My.

    Goodness.

    I really, really, really wish that this music video was real.

    Because it is epic. And amazing. And... just wow.

    And so, so perfect for it nearly being July 4th.

    Awesome.
     
  20. frodogenic1

    frodogenic1 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 21, 2008
    Astoundingly I can pick my favorite line from this chapter without thinking about it.

    Imperial Alliance To End Nepotism, headed by Thal Kerrif, Jr. Other members included vice president Thal Kerrif III, secretary Thal H. Kerrif, Nev Kerrif, Braken Starblaster, and Feeney Whillington (butler to the illustrious Kerrif family).

    When I say this is the funniest thing I've heard all week, bear in mind that you were up against the guy at work Wednesday who wanted me to refund him the $8.50 he paid me on Monday so that he could re-pay his entire bill of $17 on Friday.
     
  21. Kelli_LB

    Kelli_LB Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 24, 2006
    I would vote for any candidate who would have that as their official song. Are you listening 2012 presidential hopefuls? :p

    Great work as always. I cannot wait for more.
     
  22. amidalachick

    amidalachick FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 5 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    Tim Horton's mention! *wipes away a tear of joy*

    If the SaeseeTones + Braken released that music video in real life, it would be the most epic thing in the history of epic things. I think it should be a law that real life politicians make videos like that.

    =D=
     
  23. DaenaBenjen42

    DaenaBenjen42 Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    May 15, 2005
    Loved the questioning of the ninja at the top, and the video, and... okay. I liked everything. :)
     
  24. Jedi Trace

    Jedi Trace Former RSA star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Dec 15, 1999
    Loved the whole chapter, but Dude! Those song lyrics hit it out of the park. :D

    ?Everywhere I look there's injustice and pain / Makes me really really so sad / I cry tears that are also sad,? Rick'ee continues. ?But just when I'm at my saddest / and things look the baddest... there's a ray of hoooooooope...?

    Note to self: Do not read this story at work where your boss can catch you giggling at the computer screen where you're supposed to be looking at work-y stuff. O:) This also gave me flashbacks to the Jonas Brothers concert I took my daughter to. *eye twitch*


    "His policy's so sick it's got its own hospital ward"

    [face_laugh][face_laugh][face_laugh]

     
  25. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 9, 2001
    Cosmo-ninja!!


    Golden-yellow eyes peered out from a horizontal sliver in the otherwise head-encompassing mask.

    I'm suddenly looking at Jawas in a whole new light.

    Ah, Braken is still the connoisseur of suits.


    We open on a sepia-toned rooftop in a part of Imperial Center just run-down enough to be sympathetic, but not so run-down that it frightens the upper class.

    I loved that description. :cool:

    I agree, the music video was hilarious. I think "GOOD LAW" and "respectful distance" were my favorite parts, but the whole thing was awesome.

    Great work, Face! :D