Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Politico: Revenge of Vengeance (complete)

Luna:

frodogenic: Those Kerrifs know their stuff about nepotism.

Kelli: I forward them links to this thread all the time. I think I'm on some Secret Service watchlists as a result.

amidalachick: It's cold in Space (Canada); they need their coffee.

Daena: I everythank you!

Trace: I'm sorry to induce any kind of PJBSD (Post-Jonas Brothers Stress Disorder, not to be confused with Peanut Jelly Butter Sandwich Disease*)

*This disease's discoverer was historically significant as one of the most successful dyslexic researchers.

Thumper: Ootini?

Leona: I love repeat customers!

Everybody: Thank you very much for reading and replying. You rule!

---

[b]Chapter Eight:
Blind Spots[/b]

Any player who fully understands the rules by heart without consulting this manual should seek psychiatric counsel immediately.
? Warning label, Total War Sabacc Deluxe 12th Edition rulebook


There comes a time in every investigation of Imperial Center crime when a detective must ask himself: What if Black Sun did it?

Skitzy had come to this point. He had also come to the point in his ongoing search for suitable quirks where the high concepts became strained and unbelievable.

?What's a matter?? Skitzy asked the Black Sun guard. ?Never seen a blind detective before? Neither have I!? His internal soundtrack played a zany bass line.

The thug stared back at the former stormtrooper in a long coat, dark glasses, and carrying a cane.

?Do you get it? I'm not hearing laughter. Are you smiling?? Skitzy asked, reaching out to feel the goon's face.

He recoiled from Skitzy's touch. ?I get it! I get it! Get offa me!?

?First take me to your boss.?

Skitzy was very literal about this ?first? qualification. He continued to thrust his hand at the guard's face the whole time he was being guided inside. Only upon hearing the voice of Prince Xizor did he drop his hand to his side.

?And you're... blind??

?How's that for a hook!? Skitzy said with an enthusiastic nod.

?It's trying too hard, frankly,? Xizor replied.

?It lends itself [i]really[/i] well to pun taglines. [i]Just because he's blind doesn't mean he can't see the truth,[/i]? Skitzy said dramatically. ?[i]First he lost his sight. Then[/i]??

?I'll take your word for it,? Xizor interrupted. ?What can I do for you, Mr. Blind Detective??

?You can tell me what you had to do with the death of Mayor Anax.?

[i]Xizor hands a picture of Mayor Anax and his deputy mayor Zuun the Penultimate to a subordinate. ?Hire a cosmo-ninja to kill these two.?[/i]

Xizor raised his voice to speak to all the criminals in the large room. ?You don't have to say anything, but did anyone here hire a cosmo-ninja to kill the mayor a couple months ago?? A hand shot up from a cluster of cubicles in the southeast corner. ?Nobody raised their hand,? Xizor informed Skitzy.

Skitzy looked around the floor. A large board labeled ?Politicians Killed? bore the pictures of both the dead mayor and his dead deputy mayor. In Xizor's hand was a to-do list with the items ?kill mayor? and ?mani-pedi? crossed off. Another wall board read ?4 days since our last workplace 'accident.'?

?Since I sure am blind,? Skitzy said slowly, ?I guess I have to take your word for it.?

Now that's dedication to a schtick, folks.


* * * * * *

For years, a handful (provided that hand can hold five grown humanoids) of lawyers from the firm of Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine gathered to play cards every week. Braken, Jamie, Zokk, and a clone designated CL-113/9* were the traditional group, along with an Ortolan stenographer named Todd. Todd had blown up months ago; the other players had decided he wasn't coming any more weeks ago.

In his place, the current/former attorneys were running through a series of potential replacements. The first week, they tried playing with Braken's stormtrooper friend Skitzy. Just when it seemed his face had been read, he would switch personalities and play a whole new way. He won numerous times and

 

Great chapter, I love how you describe the game. It is a bizarre combination of multiple games, I spotted Monopoly, checkers, dungeons and dragons, and connect four maybe? I am sure there might have been others. Absolutely brilliant!

 

Love the completely bizarre game they're playing, and the comments about laying waste to enemies, etc. etc., are always hilarious. But I really like the blind detective not seeing all of the great little tidbits as he's investigating. It's hilarious. I just love every update of this and I always save it for last. Can't wait for more!

 

In order to make up for my extended delay in reading BSB: SP; I sincerly attempted to write my review of the chapters I was to catch up on emulating the lyrical stylings of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire, however the effort was too duanting not having the complete story, and my chorus was dreaful...

Ben set Ana-kin on fire
Braken didn't know it
and it's quite ir-relevant

Ben set Ana-kin on fire
Braken's story is sep-erate
Anyway, George he owns it

(you get the picture)


El-Cinco

You tell 'im Braken, show 'im your moxy, you will!

PC in Imperial Center, the true mission of COMPNOR!!!

The scene with the SaeseeTones had me in tears. Know, what, I'm sorry, that very well could have been just been my allergies...



CH. 6

Is it sad, or ironic that I have that moment in common with Braken?

Someone should have explained that to the guys doing the Boston promotion of Aqua Teen Hunger Force...

Chp.7

When did Braken Starblaster become an episode of The Office? [face-laugh]


Chapter 8
I used to play a similar game as a child, it was called make up the rules as you go along?

 

Skitzy's not a very good detective, is he?

And Bracken's still having spacebook troubles...

 

?I mean, I don't even have very good cards!? Zokk said, showing everyone his hand.

?Maybe ah spoke too early,? Jamie mumbled.



You know what the game reminded me of? Calvinball. I had a blast reading through that and seeing all the twists the game took.

Skitzy was great in this update, from his visit to Black Sun to the "first take me to your boss" to the detail about his card-playing abilities.

Great work, Face! Looking forward to the next update!

 

Truly a work of art!

 

Kelli: Spot the Game Reference! Then Color It In! (A Puzzle Activity Book)

Luna: I like to be the dessert of fanfic.

Ale: I admire the effort though. And the choice of artist.

It can't be an allergic reaction; the SaeseeTones have been engineered to be hypoallergenic.

When did Braken Starblaster become an episode of The Office?

When an idiot became the boss.

Daena: Well, stormtroopers aren't very good stormtroopers either, so at least Skitzy's got range.

Thumper: I fully endorse the game of Calvinball and am honored by the association.

barrissoffeefan: Like a finger-painting!

---

[b]Chapter Nine:
An Innocent Man[/b]

I am an innocent man.
? Billy Joel, famous guilty/piano man


When Zokk stepped into Jamie's office, the D.A. was working hard.

?I know,? Jamie was telling the warden on the other end of his comm line. ?Listen; start torturing everyone regardless. If cruelty is usual, the problem of anything ever being cruel [i]and[/i] unusual just kind of solves itself.? Jamie looked up, smiled, and waved Zokk in.

Zokk, not used to other people welcoming his presence, jumped back. He cautiously approached the chair opposite Jamie's desk.

?Uh huh. You're welcome, sir. Ha ha, will do, sir. And say hi to the missus. Okay. You too.? Jamie hung up. Finally he turned his attention to the young man at his desk. ?Salu[i]ta[/i]tions, Zokk. How [i]are[/i] you? Feeling innocent??

?I guess so.?

?Excellent. Just out[i]stand[/i]ing. How has your transition to politics been? Smooth??

?I barely notice any difference at all!?

?Politics.? Jamie's shoulders dropped as he leaned forward onto his desk and removed glasses he wasn't wearing. ?Zokk, politics are a dirty dirty business.?

?Don't I know it!?

[i]Zokk rolls up his sleeves and bends down to scrub a particularly resilient stain in the office bathroom.[/i]

?I know it's not my place, but I'm concerned about your soul, Zokk.?

?My soul?? Zokk gulped. The last time someone had been concerned about his soul, it was a clone of Jamie who was just trying to suck him into a cult where he'd be killed and replaced by a brainwashed copy.

?Ex[i]act[/i]ly, pre[i]cise[/i]ly, une[i]qui[/i]vocably. Y'see, politics has a tendency to dirty those who are in it for any time. Your soul is so very clean... I'd hate to see it scuffed up by corruption and compromise.?

?Gee, me too, but I promised myself I'd take a yearlong moratorium on conversions after that business with the Skywalkerians,? Zokk said.

?I'm not interested in a con[i]ver[/i]sion, re[i]dem[/i]ption, or transfor[i]ma[/i]tion. What I'm suggesting here is that, for as long as you're deputy mayor, you set aside your soul in a safe place. A place as secure as the personal safe in this very office. Then, when you're done with all the politics muck, you can retrieve it, still shiny and pure.?

?What if we don't get reelected??

?All the more reason to act now, while it still makes sense!?

Zokk chewed on his bottom lip. ?You say things in a convincing soundy way.?

?It's my speci[i]al[/i]ity.?

?I don't think I could do it, Mr. Calrissian. My daddy taught me to always keep my soul on me, just in case that's the day the Force decides to impale me.? The Hopscotcher clan has an odd tendency to die by impalement.

?M-maybe I could just hold it for a bit??

?I'm going to leave now, Mr. Calrissian.?

Zokk left the increasingly creepy district attorney's office feeling a bit out of sorts. The feeling only increased when a bag was slammed down over his head and he was thrown into a speeder trunk.


* * * * * *

Braken stood to welcome a friend into his office. ?Skitzy! Did you see my music video and feel compelled to congratulate me? Me and the SaeseeTones are basically best friends now.?

[i]The SaeseeTones social media manager, shaking his head at his monitor, bans Braken from their Spacebook fan page.[/i]

Skitzy had ditched the glasses of his blind character, but kept the cane. He limped on the wrong foot for where he was holding the cane

 

I think my favorite parts in this update was all the italicized flashbacks.

I am now going to read this out-loud to my husband and my dog, since both are handy right about now and I want an excuse to read it again.

If you'll excuse me....

 

Great update as always, poor Zokk, he keeps getting in trouble. I especially loved the reappearance of the beaver seagull people, and Braken shouting "You look weird!"

 

Cross-fic cameo ahoy! A Remy Diabet appearance is the last thing I expected. It's funny how weird a character that knows he's making jokes seems in this story. Good times.

Also, foreverwolves would be werewolves that are forever because they are on the moon, yes?

 

This week, the gang had apparently not learned their lesson about Dark Jedi.

Braken scratched his head as he examined his freshly dealt cards. ?Your turn, Henshu.?

?Now I may lay waste to my enemies, with their tears and evaporating blood creating an aroma most sweet to my lungs?? Henshu asked.

?If that's a fancy way of saying roll dice, yes,? CL answered.



LOVED the game! I wanna play that.




Is this flirting?? ATTENTION READERS, PLEASE PICK YOUR 'SHIPS NOW. I CALL ZOKK/MIRAX.

I'll be waiting for the ship/index/discussion thread in FFR.

 

Zokk! And he was doing so well with the "just say no" to Jamie. Now what?

Ha ha, it's great seeing Remy make an appearance! I loved the "Lace straighter!" comment. I wonder where Skitzy's murderer hunt will take him next.

Things seem to be looking up for Trixie on the career front if Ace gets elected.

The "scarcium" name is great. I had to look up why the beaver-seagull-men of Quimeran sounded familiar, but I'm glad I did. I'm as curious as Braken is to figure out what he did to mess things up (because the answer is always entertaining!).

Great job!

 

Luna: This is good! I'm looking to break out in the husband and dog demographics.

Kelli: Yeah, when I got the idea of an ?international? incident, I felt I'd be remiss not to use the Quimeranians from the first story.

Forcefire: Yeah, he seems rather level-headed really.

Exactly right on the foreverwolves. And they're horrifying.

Frieda: A pleasant one I hope!

Traci: And what a thread it will be! I'm starting the vignette challenges as we speak.

Thumper: Why are we judging people on the straightness of their laces anyway?

Everybody: Thank you very much for reading and replying!

---

[b]Chapter Ten:
Damage Control[/b]

?You haven't seen the last of me!?
? Dark Lord of the Law, age 21, in his final appearance on ?The Real Sith Academy?


?All you do is go behind my back! I'm done!? screamed a very orange humanoid as she stormed out of the room. The camera panned over the shocked/amused reactions of a number of other sentients, each almost human but with a body shape just barely too implausible to qualify, until it landed on the object of her scorn.

?The Force's will be done!? he scoffed in code for ?Whatever.?

His friend approached and put a hand on his shoulder. ?She was a total thermal detonator anyway, Broda.?

?It's stupid,? Broda muttered. ?A few dozen betrayals of her trust and she's gotta make a scene. Can you believe that, Brobi-wan??

?Come on, let's forget about this crap. Wanna put some reps in at the extra-gravity center??

We cut to the bro speaking directly to the camera. ?Gravity, cybernetics and sick meditation sessions,? he declares.* ?That's just how we do on Jaroona Shore.?

A black-and-white screen appeared with a screech. Words scrolled as a voiceover read them.

?This has been a test of the Emergency Jaroona Shore Rerun Broadcast System. Had this been a real emergency, it would have preempted Masterpiece Balcony. We take you now to your regularly scheduled airing of Lorrno Kemang Live.?

We cut to a decrepit Weequay in a bow tie & suspenders, seated at a desk and facing the camera. He croaked, ?There's one story on everyone's mind: the Dantooine woman who swallowed an entire training remote. Well, we couldn't get her, so here's our disgraced ? I'm sorry, disgrace[i]ful[/i] ? mayor to talk about his scandal.?

?Thank you Lorrno,? said Braken with a smile. He sat across the desk from the host, his eyes flicking from camera to camera before settling on one a few feet to the left of the one he should have been looking into. ?It's good to be here.?

?Now is that true,? Lorrno inquired, ?or is that another lie you're trying to force down Imperial citizens' collective hive-throat??

?It's not. I mean, yes. Can you rephrase the question??

?I cannot. Now, if you don't mind, Mayor Starblaster, I'd like to set the stage for your abominable behavior.?

The abominable behavior Lorrno was setting up occurred the morning before Braken's appearance on his program. The planet Quimeran has a government which consists of four branches. The executive branch was ostensibly led by the mostly ceremonial position known as Miss Figurehead. The current Miss Figurehead arrived on Imperial Center in order to add her royal toothprint to the treaty the Unaligned Planet Outreach and Relations Committee had negotiated into existence.

[i]The head of UPORC, Tyrian Moor, kisses Miss Figurehead's wing. ?It is such an honor to have you here on Imperial balcony several hundred kilometers over Imperial soil. I'm sure this voyage must have cost a lot in hyperdrive fuel.?

Miss Figurehead waves his concern away. ?With scarcium, all things are possible.?

Every Imperial mouth begins to water, except for Braken's, which already was because he heard a bell ringing earlier.

The Quimeranian leader proceeds down the line, letting each committee member kiss her wing. Reaching Braken, she suddenly pulls her wing back and lets out a gasp.

Quimeranians run to her aid. ?What's wrong, your superlativeness??

?This man kissed my wing!? she exclaims. ?With tongue!?

 

I adore your take on reality and news TV, particularly the guy on buying hoagies and your spot-on Jersey Shore description.

I love this story. Today it was my "prize" for finishing a particularly challenging pile of paperwork. Worth it.

 

This update made me want a cheesesteak.

Great work as always, I loved the part where Braken said he'd let a droid date his hypothetical daughter so she could get into pretend college. The whole update was great, it's hard to find my favorite part.

 

Oh, dear holy gundark ears, the last caller! You have made one customer service rep laugh very, very hard. I think I talked to several of her relatives today. Sample conversation:

Customer: Hey, so, I need an, um, a sign. Can you do that?

Me: Sir, the name of the business is FastSigns.

Customer: Oh. Right. So. Um, how much?

Me: *headdesk*

Customer: And can I have it in five minutes?

 

?WookieeLeaks makes a compelling argument,? Lorrno said, ?that Mayor Starblaster is not just incompetent and a poor kisser, but in fact an active saboteur right here in a leadership position in our government. That he violated Quimeranian cultural taboos on purpose, not just out of ineptitude.?

To do that on purpose, he had to actually know about those taboos... right?

And suddenly I was reminded of Larry King...

 

?Listen; start torturing everyone regardless. If cruelty is usual, the problem of anything ever being cruel and unusual just kind of solves itself.?

Bestill Dick Cheney's already still heart!

Division 29! Sweet!!!!


Whoa, , Remy!!! Now we're reaking with awesomeness!!!



?One, I was on Dodecadentron when they were killed. Two, we were never partners in any sense of the word. Three, I didn't even know mayor of Imperial Center was a thing until after they were killed. Four, how would I know the Vizier would pick me? Five, between the cane and the melodramatic detective bit and whatever this guy is supposed to be, what is going on with you??

...

...

...

...

sorry, I get confused when Braken is the logical one.


Remy just adds a whole new level of hilarity.



?Mayor Starblaster. We have your protégé.?

?Doesn't sound like anybody I know,? Braken said, hanging up.



?You're new to this politics game. Trixie, you do not yet realize your importance. You've only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training! With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the planet!?

?Sorry, I got on a roll there and it went to a weird place. Actually, I was thinking something along the lines of chief of staff. Are you interested?? Ace grinned. ?You're interested. I mean, come on, what else are you gonna do? Legal work for Black Sun? Whereas my administration is gonna be more like Black Fun. ...That sounds horrible. Pretend I didn't say that. Just shake my hand.?

I've said before over the years, and I'll say it again - 'cause I never learn - eating and reading Face-fic is a recipe for death by choking. What a Michael Scott moment!


*I CALL SKITZY/SY SNOOTLES!!!!



What the Dark Lord of the Law learned while on reality television was that immunity challenges don't matter when Darth Neilson feels you aren't boosting the ratings...


Every Imperial mouth begins to water, except for Braken's, which already was because he heard a bell ringing earlier.



Great couple of updates Face, keep 'em coming.

 

Luna: I'm the Ted Turner of fake holovision programming.

Kelli: Your reply made me want a cheesesteak. The cycle continues.

frodogenic: That is fast!

Daena: In theory, yes. Not everyone understands just how little Braken knows.

Ale: Bestill Dick Cheney's already still heart!



Skitzy/Snootles is a solid choice, sir. You show excellent taste.

Everybody: Thank you very much for reading and replying! And thanks to those of you who have nominated this fic in the Double-Forum-Before-Saga-Super-Awards. I appreciate the thoughtful gesture. New post comes this week.

 

Only Braken could mess up the diplomatic proceedings that way. Then the inclusion of the WookieeLeaks documents added even more fuel to the fire. Braken's responses to the accusations were great, especially when he's trying so hard to convince everyone about his ineptitude, LOL.


Is this possible? Should we be worried this is happening elsewhere? Mr. Cracken.?

?No,? Mr. Cracken said.

ROFL! That was perfect.


Now appliances overflowed into the street, though the rioting was more organized and efficient than any previous Imperial Center rioting, even the Compulsive Butler strike.

I'm trying to figure out if an organized, efficient riot results in less destruction or more destruction than a typical chaos riot. I keep changing my mind.

Great work, and congrats on your nominations!

 

Thumper: I did consider working some kind of Rebel intelligence subplot in. I like it much better as this one-off gag.

I'm trying to figure out if an organized, efficient riot results in less destruction or more destruction than a typical chaos riot. I keep changing my mind.

That's heavy.

Thanks for R&Ring!

---

[b]Chapter Eleven:
Feelings[/b]

?Feelings are not prohibited, but they are strongly discouraged.?
? Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine employee handbook


Jamie stood. ?The prosecution calls Johm Troi to the stand,? he said.

?Let it be so!? exclaimed the Dark Lord of the Law.

Johm Troi, a human with a shaved head and scar running over his left eye, took his place and put his hand on [u]The Adi-Mundi Code[/u], Emperor Palpatine's first foray into fiction (or at least fiction classified as such, given the exaggerations in his memoir). The novel was the story of a brave young Senator who, during the Clone Wars, exposed a hidden Jedi conspiracy and achieved great political success as a result. Witnesses had previously sworn on Palpatine's [u]Chicken Soup for the Sith[/u] anthology, and before that the aforementioned memoir.

A red-robed bailiff approached. ?Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth-ish, things that sound like truth, and nothing but the truth from a certain point of view, or else we will kill you??

?I do,? promised Troi.

?That's the way.?

Jamie replaced the bailiff in position before the stand. ?[i]Mis[/i]tah Troi. Help us get to know you. What do you do for a living??

?I work in construction,? Troi replied.

?Con[i]struc[/i]tion,? Jamie repeated.

?That's right.?

?What do you do? Durasteel work? Surveying??

?I use the sparky-machine on the durasteel.?

?What's that called??

?I get paid to do it, not to call it,? Troi sneered.

?Per[i]haps[/i] the word you're looking for is [i]welding[/i], and per[i]haps[/i] you don't know it because you don't actually do it!?

The defense attorney jumped to her feet. ?Objection, your dishonor. The prosecution is speculating based on irrelevant facts!?

?Sustained,? Dark said. ?Mr. Calrissian, be careful.?

?Sidebar, your malice?? Jamie requested.

?Sure, why not,? said Dark. Jamie and the other lawyer approached the bench. ?What's wrong, counselor? Having... heart troubles, shall we say? Missing a [i]soul[/i] album, maybe?? Before Jamie could answer, the judge spat, ?Tick tock, Calrissian! Tick tock!?

The defense attorney scratched her head. ?What is happening??

?What's happening,? Jamie said, ?is Black Sun is mucking up the legal process. The witness is hostile. The othah witnesses are hostile. The jury is hostile.?

?You suck!? a juror shouted, throwing a mostly empty beer can at Jamie's back.

?I take exception to that,? said the lawyer I still refuse to bother naming. [Ed. Note: Look, this kind of attitude is not going to sell action figures.]

Dark scratched his nose. ?Listen, Jamie, you're a big boy. I have faith in your ability to turn this chump's aggression against him. And I hate faith.?

Jamie begrudgingly returned to questioning Troi. ?Mr. Troi, do you know this Hutt?? he asked, pointing to the defendant.

?I've never seen her before in my life,? said Troi. ?Or maybe I have. Hutts all kinda look alike, y'know?? The traditionally xenophobic Imperial jury chuckled.

?Are you denying that you gave a sworn statement that the defendant is a prominent Black Sun crime boss??

?I'll give you a sworn statement!? the criminal shouted, pulling a blaster out of nowhere and pulling the trigger. It fired, but as many standard-issue Imperial weapons do, went wildly off-target. The bolt ended up hitting a wall instead.

The D.A. grabbed it from him and punched the witness in the face. As guards seized Troi, Jamie examined the pistol. ?If you want to kill a public servant, Mr. Troi, I recommend you not buy Imperial.? At this point, his facade of calm shattered and he vomited a mixture of vegetables and anxiety.

?Okay,? the Dark Lord admitted, ?that's pretty hostile.?


* * *

 

This has to be my favorite chapter so far. I loved the Dark Knight and the Taken references.

?If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But I do have a very particular set of skills ? skills I have acquired over a very long time. And I can use them to teach you some really good 'Floor is Lava' strategies in exchange for being let go.?


I love this! It is one of my goals in life to somehow work in the "I have a particular set of skills" line in everyday conversation.