Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Politico: Revenge of Vengeance (complete)

The buttcheeks of reality...how very Terry Pratchett! And now I'm hankering for a matchup between Death and the Dark Lord of the Law...

 

I love the details in this... the Just-for-Funsies Division, fantasy shockball, the list goes on.


I... I don't have the energy to pick just one disproving instance to flash back to. I'm paralyzed by options. This has never happened before.

Ha, awesome line.


Money isn't everything, people! It's just the thing that buys everything else. The way you guys are acting, you'd think it was the everything else!

This is one of those times when Braken's twisted logic actually makes some sense to me, and that scares me.

Aww, Dark and Charal, sittin' in a tree... Or maybe more like this:


The Dark Lord stared daggers at Jamie, which Jamie only barely dodged.

ROFL. Though I wish Jamie the best of luck in the Out-of-Court Mediation. Hopefully he won't be scarred by too many more metaphors.

Great montage, and I'm looking forward to seeing how much that's able to help Braken in the debate. And now I'm worried about Zokk. Merri's right, but somehow Zokk doesn't seem like Zokk when he's not hanging on Braken.

Excellent work, and congrats on your Award!

P.S. Golmax totally needs to smite some Vogons.

 

?Look, I'm worried about you,? said Merri. ?You were kidnapped this week. A man you clearly worship to an unhealthy degree did nothing, and if I'm not mistaken, failed to properly apologize.?

?Mr. Starblaster has a policy of never pleading guilty to his own charges,? Zokk informed her glumly.

What with him being a lawyer and all, that does make sense... to Braken, anyway...

 

So, Zokk was quite unprepared when Merri cornered him alone in the break room and asked, ?We're friends, right??

Zokk furrowed his brow. ?I know this question. The answer is usually 'I shouldn't have assumed; I promise not to make eye contact any more,' but you're phrasing it oddly.?

Okay, that cracked me up!

Well, the whole thing cracked me up, but I snorted and scared my cats there.

 

Luna: Hope, and you shall receive!

frodogenic: Dark and Death get on well. Usually.

Leona: My phrases turn the other cheek, as it were.

Thumper: Yes! I love when BrakenLogic hits home.

Daena: You can order the lawyer out of the courtroom, but the lawyer can't get a restraining order against the courtroom. As the old saying goes.

Trace: Cat scaring is our aim here at Braken Starblaster.

Everyone: Thank you all for reading and responding!

---

[b]Chapter Sixteen:
War of the Words[/b]

Here it is, ladies, gentlemen, and all the rest! The political debate of the centu-week! Two titans battling for leadership of Imperial Center! On one side, the upstart challenger Ace Beamray! He plays by his own rules ? none! On the other, the reigning champ Braken Starblaster! So bad he flicked a Super Star Destroyer out of the ground with his bare hands! It's the war in the Core! The affray in the cit-ay! The brawl in the urban sprawl! The scrap-ital in the capital!
? Jamie Calrissian, doing a bit of advertisement voiceover work on the side


?Good evening, and welcome to this election season's Imperial Center mayoral debate. My name is Lorrno Kemang and I'll be your moderator.? Lorrno pulled his suspenders to the side to allow better reach for him to scratch his stomach. ?The format is simple. Over the next two hours, we will see each candidate illustrate his worth in various capacities, starting with a debate. I will begin with a question, and from there we can enter into a discussion until time is up, at which point I will ask another question. It keeps going like that, question after interminable question, as time marches on and we all grow closer to our inevitable, lonely deaths. First, let's meet our candidates.?

Ace Beamray flashed his bright white grin. ?Hello ladies. I'm the man your mayor could be. My name is Ace Beamray; I'm a former Senator; and I'm running on a platform of life improvement. A little freedom goes a long way.?? The audience went wild.

Braken Starblaster waved his hands to calm the audience. ?Thank you, thank you,? he said. The applause, which had been for Ace in the first place, stopped. ?Please, enough; you're embarrassing me. My fellow Imperials, particularly those sitting at home who are only watching this because it preempted Division 29, I am here to say that [i]I am what you know.[/i] Braken Starblaster. That name is familiar and safe to you. What will happen next if you change your mayor? You'll change your brand of laundry detergent? You'll change where you live? You can't move right now. Your stuff isn't in boxes. It's gonna be stressful and awful. Avoid that. Vote for me on the platform of not changing a good thing. And because I am the mayor, and I'm telling you to.? The audience went wild.

At the third podium stood a forty-four-year-old man with a hawk-like nose, arched eyebrows, and a folksy voice. ?Good evening, Lorrno. Good evening, everyone watching here and over the air. And I would like to give my best regards to a woman not unlike me and you, who's trying to put her kids through the academy right now while working long nights at the weather satellite, who's watching this from a hospital room. Hello, Essrae.

?My name is Colt Koltev, and I am the Third Party candidate for mayor of Imperial Center. The Third Party is a very exciting new political movement, and I'm very grateful for the opportunity to be heard toni??

?Alright, let's not get out of hand,? Lorrno interrupted. ?First, a question for Mr. Beamray.?

?Please, call me Ace.?

?Mr. Beamray, you've talked a lot about your promises of 'a little freedom.' Beyond the talking points, what exactly will you do to improve government-citizen relations??

Ace nodded. ?Thank you for asking, Lorrno. The foundation of my 'little freedom' promise is just that. Little changes here and there that will add up to make Imperial Center a better place for everyone. Things like non-fixed elections for the smaller local government positions. You'd ha

 

This was brilliant and wonderful. Compfassionism should be a real word, and I love the idea that the 40 malt woke up Lando. I'd be hard-pressed not to vote for the pro-puppy candidate... and of course Braken chose the only contingent that couldn't vote. This was so much fun, especially seeing all the hooplah we had with the past few debates. I also like that you managed to tie in the death penalty, since we all know how that showed up in the debates... Can't wait for more!

 

You can order the lawyer out of the courtroom, but the lawyer can't get a restraining order against the courtroom. As the old saying goes.

True, true...

And the update... loved, loved the political talk going on here.

 

Poor Colt! It's tough being the Third Party candidate. I hope he wow'ed them all in the talent portion of the evening. I suspect Ace won the swimsuit competition.


Beamray here got fired from the Empire!?

?The Senate was dissolved!? Ace protested.

?Excuses, excuses.?

Heh heh. Braken's sure got "political spin" down.


?Mr. Starblaster, please allow Mr. Beamray to answer before offering your own statement,? Lorrno requested.

?This whole courtroom is out of order!? Braken yelled back.

This exchange made me ROFL. Braken's reflexive lawyer comeback to a challenge was awesome and perfectly timed.

Hmm, so droids can't vote, but I can see other ways in which having them on your side could be beneficial.

Great job, Face! I'm looking forward to seeing how Election Day goes.

 

Luna: Lando is in tune with the galaxy in his own way.

I actually wrote this some time before debates started back up in the US. Any similarities are coincidental and probably depressing.

Daena: Everyone knows that old chestnut!

Thumper: Braken's spin is so strong it can cause nausea in those who aren't used to it.

And now we launch into the beginning of the end... the final chapters of the Braken Starblaster saga!*

*Saga qualifications not guaranteed.

---

[b]Chapter Seventeen:
Election Day[/b]

Tough but reasonable. He made all his points very well, and let everyone say their piece. Would get sentenced to unending horrors by again.
? anonymous RateYourJudge review of El Médiator


?Please state your names for the record, going around the table.?

?Jamie Calrissian.?

?[b][i]Golmax.[/b][/i]?

?The Dark Lord of the Law.?

El Médiator looked up from his flimsiplast sheet. ?That's your name??

Dark raised an eyebrow. ?This coming from a guy called El Médiator??

?Point taken,? replied the being in the luchador mask and sweater vest. He sorted through the documents, scratched at his temple, and said, ?Now it's Golmax seeking compensation in the form of one pure soul from the customer Mr. Calrissian? And what's your part in this, Mr. Lord??

?I brokered the deal.?

?Mmhmm. What were you paying for, Mr. Calrissian??

?To, ah, to get my rhyming back.?

?Your what? Read that back,? El Médiator commanded deceased stenographer Todd Rebo.*

?To, ah, to get my rhyming back,? the Ortolan corpse recited in a perfect recording of Jamie's voice.

?I'm still confused,? said El Médiator.

?It's the flair that dis[i]tin[/i]guishes, em[i]bel[/i]lishes, re[i]lin[/i]quishes my verbal style,? Jamie said.

?Okay, I think I get what it is now. Why was this worth a pure soul to you??

?Three souls actually,? Dark clarified. ?It was only one that was faulty.?

El Médiator's head swiveled. He gazed deep into the Dark Lord. ?...I was asking Mr. Calrissian. I would thank you not to speak out of turn.?

Dark was deeply unsettled, as he was normally the one doing the judging/unsettling.

?I am a successful attorney, and currently D.A. It's abso[i]lute[/i]ly vital that I be a powerful speaker, and the rhymes are a part of that. I tried to use modern medicine to restore mah rhyming, but nothing had worked since Dark electrocuted me.?

?Hold on now. You lost your ability because Mr. Lord electrocuted you? Is this true??

Dark hesitated, making sure that El Médiator was targeting the question at him. ?It was Force lightning, and he was being uppity in my courtroom. You know how it is.?

El Médiator showed no reaction behind his mask. He scribbled a note.

The Dark Lord continued, ?He'd just prosecuted an imaginary person; it was a waste of everyone's time. I run a tight ship. Loose ships sink...wait, umm.?

?Golmax,? El Médiator said, ?you're the one providing the service, namely restoring Mr. Calrissian's rhyming in your capacity as demon-god of poetry.?

Golmax nodded.

?Let the record show he nodded. The mouth in his chest also drooled, but the record need not show that. Golmax, why was this service worth three pure souls??

For the second time since they'd entered the room, Golmax spoke. ?[i][b]Inflation.[/b][/i]?

El Médiator rubbed his chin. ?I would like to see the contract.? He snapped his fingers, and the contract appeared in front of him. He looked over it, eying one of the three parties every few sentences. ?Okay, I've come to a decision,? he said.

?Mr. Calrissian. You failed to properly pay for your service, plain and simple. That's a big no-no with demonic contracts. Golmax. You and I both know that as bad as soul inflation is these days, three is still too much for this rhyme thing. Don't be greedy.?

?[b][i]Times are tough. You don't know what it's like.[/b][/i]?

?I will tell your wife about this,? El Médiator threatened. ?Jenny and I chat on Spacebook.?

Golmax folded his arms and pouted.

?Mr. Lord. You brokered a deal to get Mr. Calrissian his rhyming back

 

Of course Xizor and Ace are together!

I adored the beginning with the hearing, particularly El Mediator's judge rating. Bad faith, not evil faith. Awesome. I'm really excited about the recount, too. The ninja attempted-assassination was great, and how Braken voted like the "little people."

Stellar as always. I'm going to have to check out your blog sometime today, too. Looking forward to more!

 

On my way to work, so this won't be long. But I'm enjoying catching up!

 

*A place reserved for really really bad people and people who honk in traffic jams, first described in Golmax's epic poetry.



...and Xizor and Beamray are working together? That... makes a certain amount of sense...

 

I am way behind with this story. Is, sad that the Starblaster saga is nearly over, but I cannot wait to see how it ends.

 

El Médiator did seem pretty fair to everyone concerned. I love the pre-nup idea, and I'm looking forward to seeing Charal's reaction to it.

(though he did take a minute to figure out if there was some way to vote for a different deputy mayor)

LOL. Poor Zokk. And LOL @ Braken for getting upset at Zokk for doing what Braken tried to do-- not vote for the other half of their own ticket.

Yay Skitzy! <-- accolades

Aww, Colt... And here I was thinking of voting for you. But by trying to literally eliminate the pro-puppies candidate, you've proven to be anti-puppy, and I just can't in good conscience support that.

Ace and Xizor working together is intriguing.

Great work, Face!

 

Delightful stuff.

Colors ties are.
Sure, colors like bow, power, piano.

Anything with the cosmo-ninja and the ruins of his hand was gold.

Then there's Xizor! Say, is that a first name? Only name? Last name? Is he perhaps Reginald Xizor?

 

Luna: Like peanut butter and jelly in a pod!

Kim: Thanks for checking in! I completely understand being busy with work. Feeling that at the moment for sure.

Daena: A certain amount of sense is what we aim for here at Braken Starblaster. [Ed. Note: A lie.]

Kelli: With a whole 'nother part devoted to Braken returning to the Shire. Whoops, uh, spoilers.

Thumper: Braken is nothing without his hypocrisy.

Haha, anti-puppy indeed!

Forcefire: Also bolo, cybernetic, and blue.

Prince is his first name. Ironically he changed it from an unpronounceable symbol.

---

[b]Chapter Eighteen:
Extralegal Activity[/b]

?I demand a recount!?
? Braken Starblaster, first eliminated in the Third Grade Spelling Bee Losers' Bracket


Braken attended another meeting in the mayor's office the next day, this one ostensibly aiming to feature less betrayal and accusation. Joining him were Ajian, Finn, Zokk, and Jamie. The first two had never wavered*, Zokk was still the other person on the ticket, and Jamie was invited for legal counsel.

?I've taken this oppor[i]tu[/i]nity to dive into Imperial Center voting law,? Jamie said. ?It is an absolute [i]tangle[/i] of laws left over from the Republic and those added by the Empire, laws designed for planetary elections and laws designed for city elections. They are contra[i]dic[/i]tory, compli[i]ca[/i]ted, convo[i]lu[/i]ted, and ar[i]cane[/i]!?

?Don't shout,? Ajian requested.

?Sorry, I got on a roll there. Snuck up on me too.?

?Okay, so what do I need to know?? Braken asked.

Jamie nodded. ?Well, as you know, an automatic recount is triggered by a race as close as yours and Beamray's. But the bizarre thing is that when that recount is finished, the losah may still contest the results by appearing at a hearing with the Most High Supreme Cosmic Court four hours after the completion of the recount. If, at the hearing, the Most High Supreme Cosmic Court decides that the election was handled unfairly, they have the option of awarding the title of mayor to a winner of the Most High Supreme Cosmic Court's own choosing! It's their most obscure power.?

Actually, the court's most obscure power was its ability to vote twice per justice in all reality competitions. Those that allow a vote a day must accept two votes a day from the justices. Of the nine, only the Dark Lord of the Law watches any reality shows anyway.

?Regardless of whether you or Beamray ends up on top after the recount, the other is un[i]quest[/i]ionably, unde[i]ni[/i]ably, uni[i]lat[/i]erally going to challenge,? Jamie explained.

Braken chewed on a stylus. ?So you're saying this is going to come down to a legal battle??

?By hook or by crook, we're going to win... this thing,? Ajian said. ?We've tried the hook; it's time to try... being crooks.?

Braken was aghast. ?People were hooking for the campaign? Oh Force. I always suspected the day would come when I accidentally became a pimp, but I wasn't ready for it to be today. Not today.?

?Braken, nobody was hooking... for the campaign,? Ajian assured him. ?Right??

Finn had to think about it for a second. ?...Right.?

?Well that's a relief,? said Braken. ?Jamie, Zokk, it looks like we're getting the legal band back together.?

?Mr. Starblaster,? Zokk started.

?Yes, drums.?

?Are you sure you want to represent yourself? It's been a while since you practiced law.?

?It's like riding a bike,? Braken replied. ?It's terrifying and everybody makes fun of you if you fail. But, yeah, I got this.?

?That doesn't inspire the most confidence,? Jamie remarked.

?Quiet, bassist.?

Jamie gasped. ?You take that back.?


*Gartt didn't either, but Braken was [i]meh[/i] on him.

* * * * * *

Mere hours later, the recount was complete, with Braken trailing Ace by a mere 0.3% of the vote. Braken was outraged when he heard this, demanding to know how a third of a vote was cast. Eventually Jamie managed to explain to him that that wasn't what it meant, and that casting a third of a vote was impossible. His ignorance of t

 

Oh, they're both kidnapped! I love how I totally did not see the Black Sun kidnapping coming, though in hindsight I should have, and I also love the situation that would allow for recounts and judge choice. I also love how now we see how Ace isn't really that nice of a guy after all, though I'm sad for how Trixie had to realize it. Awesome update--I can't wait to see how they get out of this one!

 

Ruh-roh. I feel bad for Trixie, but hopefully she'll find a way out of her predicament. I have less faith in Braken's and Zokk's ability to help themselves, so I hope Skitzy is still hanging around somewhere. At least Braken won't be able to ignore Zokk's kidnapping this time.


?Braken, nobody was hooking... for the campaign,? Ajian assured him. ?Right??

Finn had to think about it for a second. ?...Right.?

I love Finn's reaction here, LOL. That was perfect.


?It's like riding a bike,? Braken replied. ?It's terrifying and everybody makes fun of you if you fail. But, yeah, I got this.?

It sounds like Braken learned to ride on the same bike that Calvin (of "& Hobbes" fame) did.

Riding shotblaster, heh heh.

Now what will Black Sun be doing with them? Excellent post, Face! Looking forward to more!

P.S. I wanted to share this quick. I'm reading a book about writing called Plot Versus Character by Jeff Gerke. In one of the characterization chapters I came across this:

"Your main character needs a problem.

"Maybe it's adultery, like our Mistress Prynne. Maybe unresolved anger. ... Perhaps it could be something mundane like discontentment or jealousy or a weakness for chocolate."

The moment I read that I thought of Braken. Plus the author is open about liking Star Wars and uses numerous examples from it in the book, so... (It's a good book BTW.)

 

?My name is Guri,? she said, ?and I am a Black Sun assassin.?

Braken sat back in his seat and swallowed loudly. ?I was afraid you were going to say that.?

*giggle*


Well done, Face, on getting them both (or is it all three of them, seeing as the canidate for deputy mayor was all with the burlap bag over his head) kidnapped.

 

I'm sadly behind. I am getting caught up though!

 

Luna: It looks like Braken will get that face time with Trixie after all. Everything's working out splendidly for him! Except the whole job-in-jeopardy-based-on-court-ruling and kidnapped-by-criminals things. But that's, what, two things? Just two!

Frieda: Accidental pimping is a fear I think we can all identify with. It's why I never wear fur. Why give myself a head start, you know?

Thumpa: Skitzy's not around... but Skitzy is!

Oh man, I'd forgotten about Calvin's bike. Braken's was made almost entirely out of training wheels.

There's nothing mundane about chocolate addiction! It's a dire issue! Dire, I say!

Daena: Nah, that's just how Stabshadow rolls. It's called personal style.

Vada: Glad to hear it!

Everyone-a: Thanks very much for reading and replying! You're the best-a!

---

[b]Chapter Nineteen:
Hearing[/b]

The idea for this book first came to me when I realized the irony of just how difficult it is to steal candy from a baby. Most infants don't have candy in the first place, and they hardly ever go out without adult supervision.
? Preface of [u]Drug-Dealing Is Like Potato Chips... Delicious, Profitable Potato Chips[/u] by Prince Xizor


For the third time in his life, Braken awoke in an anonymous room strapped to a chair. The last time, he had been taken hostage by rogue Imperial agents masquerading as a Rebel-worshiping cult. The time before that was supposed to be the spark that reignited the passion in his relationship with his girlfriend from before Trixie. It might have worked, if she had discussed it with him at all beforehand and maybe given him a safeword for her elaborate series of moral dilemma-based deadly booby traps.

This time, however, he was not alone.

?Oh man, not again,? Zokk groaned.

?How do you know about that?? Braken snapped.

?About my own kidnapping by men working for Colt Koltev??

?Oh, that.? Braken sighed. ?Zokk, I'm going to say something to you I've never said to anyone ever anywhere. Wait, that's not enough buildup. Can you do a drumroll??

Zokk buzzed his lips, sending spit directly into Braken's eyes. ?Stop that.? Zokk stopped. ?Okay, here's the thing I've never said... I'm sorry for what I did.?

The younger man's eyes boggled. ?Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat.?

?Dang it, Zokk, I said it for the first time in my life; I'm not gonna say it again right after.?

?I'm sorry.?

?Don't mock me either!?

?I'm ssssswondering what brought this on?? Zokk covered quickly.

?You were kidnapped and I wasn't there,? Braken said. ?It should have been [i]me[/i] sending Skitzy to rescue you.?

?Oh. Okay.?

?You aren't mad??

Zokk thought about it. ?...Nope.?

?You really are loyal, aren't you, Zokk? If it weren't for Merri, you would follow me all the way into ignorance*-induced insanity, wouldn't you??

Zokk shrugged as best he could with his arms tied. ?If you asked me to.?

Braken shook his head. ?You enable me, Zokk. That's why you're my best friend.?

?Sir, you have no idea how much that means to me.?

?Well, I kinda do, 'cause you wear your heart on your sleeve. Speaking of which, you really need to ask Merri out. And I really need to fire her. I've been seriously missing out not firing people this whole time.?

?Well if this isn't the most hackneyed thing I've ever seen,? Xizor said, striding into the room with each long fingernail gingerly touching its match on the opposite hand. ?Captured by the enemy and faced with imminent defeat, a duo finally expresses their friendship? So heavy-handed and cliché.?

?Who died and made you literary critic of reality?? Braken shot back.

?Roger Saturnberg,? Xizor answered. ?I had poison slipped into his caf.?

Braken's eyes narrowed. ?I know you. You're Prince Xizor!?

?It's pronounced [i]Xi[/i]zor.?

?Xizor.?

?[i]Xizor.[/i]?

?Ohhhkay, now I'm mad. Kidnapping me is even worse than keying my speeder!?

?Both plans were designed and executed to perfection!? Xizor said, going on to add, ?Mwahahaha!?

?Why?? Braken asked. ?What did I ever do to Blac

 

This was absolutely brilliant. It is impossible to pick my favorites... but I did quite like the Anakin bro gif--teehee--and the way Bracken got "elected"--and all the judges--and the coda on what happened to everyone--and Bracken's Reagan-esque exit.

This has been an amazing story of EPIC creativity. (I think epic is appropriate here!) I have really, truly enjoyed this and will miss reading the crazy antics. I really hope you come up with some other parody of some sort... it makes the world a better place.

 

A worthy conclusion to a lot of laughs. Bravo!

Braken's religious persuasions are a perfect fit. Agnostos worship must take zero effort.

Perhaps Vader was wearing his Deus Ex Machina cape?

Braken thumped his chest, which was still free of ninja-stars. ?Misdemeanors, -----!?
I imagine this sounding a lot like Jesse from Breaking Bad.

Morlo's name-calling was a great touch.

Once more: