Saga Briefly Describe Each of the Films (Badly)

TPM - Someone finally kills Liam Neeson.

AOTC - Saruman the White takes droid rights activism to the extreme.

TCW - Jedi prodigy drags around slimeball.

ROTS - Obi-Wan Kenobi realizes his life sucks.

S - A dude with a red lightsaber steals the show AGAIN.

RO - Bor Gullet sees the truth.

ANH - Annoying teenager whines about power converters.

ESB - Mark Hamill talks to a muppet for 2 hours.

ROTJ - Darth Vader kills the president.

TFA - See ANH

TLJ - Luke changes his name to Jake.

 

Solo-A scruffly looking deserter teams up with Imperial captive to escape from custody.

 

I've updated my earlier post:
TPM: Local boy does good.
AOTC: Local boy does good and bad.
ROTS: Local boy does really bad.
S: Out-of-town boy does good, though he thinks he can only do bad.
R1: Daughter of local boy does good, with the help of out-of-town girl, while local boy still does bad.
ANH: Son of local boy does good.
TESB: Son of local boy does not-so-good.
ROTJ: Son of local boy does really good.
TFA: Grandson of local boy does bad, and other out-of-town girl does good and meets son & daughter of local boy.
TLJ: Son of local boy does something, but there are disagreements over whether it's good, bad or indifferent.

 

Update...

SOLO: Some mop head meets a Sasquatch, they steal some white pepsi and then resurrect a devil...

 

I've re-read this too many times!

 

TPM: A precocious child discovers he's Space Jesus, builds a metal man, and wins a race.
AotC: Space Jesus discovers puberty too late. Murders a native tribe and marries Natalie Portman to cope.
RotS: Space Jesus discovers he is actually the Space Anti-Christ, Space Satan laughs a lot. Natalie Portman dies.
ANH: Space Anti-Christ's twin children are reunited, almost make out. They pop Space Satan's ball.
TESB: Space Anti-Christ's twin children finally succeed in making out. A Muppet teaches the son how to do hand stands.
RotJ: Space Anti-Christ's children discover they engaged in light incest. They pop Space Satan's new ball.
TFA: Famous Hero goes missing; a Young Girl finds him on an island and gives him back his metal tube.
TLJ: Young Girl tries to convince the Famous Hero to stop doing chores and leave the island. We discover he enjoys very fresh milk.

 

TPM: Our chosen one wins a race.
AOTC: Our chosen one murders everyone in an indigenous tribe?
ROTS: Our chosen one murders everyone in an entire religious group??
SOLO: Our chosen one isn't even there???
RO: Our chosen one makes awful puns????
ANH: Our chosen one's group literally destroys a planet?????
TESB: Our chosen one cuts his son's arm off??????
ROTJ: Our chosen one throws his boss off a balcony???????
TFA: Our chosen one inspires his evil bratty nephew????????
TLJ: Our chosen one's child is a depressed hack?????????

 

The phantom menace: A annoying kid is found. Liam Neson dies. We have our lovable friendly palatine.
Attack of clones: Jedi Order celibacy rule backfires, a big war starts, lovable palpatine will save everyone!
Revenge of the sith: War is won yay! Palpatine not so lovable though..... Annoying kid gets burned and turns into a douchebag.....Weird Celibate order is destroyed as they are not on team palpatine.

Solo: Space Oliver twist joins empire, cant follow orders and deserts. Goes into crime. Gambles alot and wins a ship.

Rogue one
Burned out scientist with conscience conscripted back to empire and becomes pissed off scientist sabotages a project. Woman with daddy issues causes trouble for empire.

A New hope: Planet full of terrorists gets whats coming to it. Old man picks up a teenager and indoctrinates him with religious extremism and runs, recruits a drug smugglers and runs off to commits acts of terror against the empire.

Empire strikes back: Brave and noble heros of the empire find a terrorist camp and destroy it. second in command of the empire find out his sons a terrorist. son does for further religious indoctrination under yoda.

Return of the jedi: crime lord is killed. Empire trys the same stupid idea twice, but bigger. Emperor is killed by terrorist who recruit naive natives.

The force awakens: Rements of the empire try the same stupid plan the 3 time. Han and leia have a EMO kid who turns bad. Han die cause he is a crap father.

The last jedi: Luke is depressed and gives up. Resistance fleet chased and slowly picked off.

 

Interesting...I'll give it a shot:

TPM: Some Jedi try to fix a problem on a planet, while babysitting a kid and a gungan.

AOTC: One Jedi does his job trying to figure out a disturbing mystery while his apprentice takes his girlfriend around the galaxy to handle his own @#$%, and ultimately they all get captured and have to fight their way out of the birth of a war.

ROTS: A Jedi who's too ambitious for his own good lets an old man manipulate him into destroying everything he loves-including himself.

Solo: Orphaned street kid is desperate to join a bourgeoning gang, and it ends up biting him in the #$$.

R1: Girl who basically raised herself tries to find something to believe in, while telling everyone else what they believe in is wrong. Death Star.

ANH: Farm kid and princess follow a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants smuggler and an old Jedi to the lion's den, and fight their way out, leading the enemies straight to the good guy's secret hideout-prompting a desperate mission for survival.

ESB: 2 + hours of the heroes being chased, beaten, betrayed and tortured-so the father can find his son. Living in a swamp for days/weeks, constantly sweaty and muddy.

ROTJ: Jedi embarks on an impossible mission to rescue a friend from a palace of craziness, literally barely escaping the jaws of death in a frenzied melee, the best-performed death scene in history, and a father who for the 2nd time in his life lets an entire governmental structure collapse to save a loved one. Another death star, and fuzzy teddy bears with sticks!

TFA: Fans of ANH grew up and made their version of what ANH would've been in their head. Nothing pivotal happening in the story at all, until the one person the whole story was about finding finally appears at the end.

TLJ: In an effort to stir @$%! up simply for the sake of stirring @$%! up, interesting characters are killed off for no reason. Main characters are given no development or anything important to do, while everything around them continues to move on: Ships chase other ships, and good guys run away, finally hoping for something better to come...Just like us.




Wow. That was actually kind of tough!

 

TPM: Greedy corporation ignites diplomatic incident, forcing a monarch into temporary exile where a race is watched and wagered on.
AOTC: Greedy corporation joins other greedy corporation as they watch a scheduled execution that goes off the rails.
ROTS: Greedy corporation realizes that an increase of taxes isn't so bad after all when a government official executes a hostile takeover in the worst possible way.
Solo: Con artist tries running a con within a con.
Rogue One: Disillusioned prisoner recruited for a mission to reunite with her father.
ANH: A farmboy is radicalized when his guardians are executed by law enforcement officers.
TESB: Said radical farmboy experiences illusions on a wintry world and meets a puppet.
ROTJ: Said radical farmboy gets sovereign's right hand man to commit the ultimate act of treason.
TFA: Deserter helps scavenger find radical farm...middle-aged man.
TLJ: Radical farm middle-aged man has more in common with Statler and Waldorf than his legend has led people to believe.

 

TPM: Life of microorganisms.
AOTC: Palpatine won before prequels happened.
RotS: Video of The Best Starcraft Player destroying the Order of Easy Bots.

SOLO: The whole relevant MC's story was shown in the last couple minutes of the movie.
RO: The Boring Wars Story.

ANH: One primitive story about the farm boy done right.
ESB: Subversion done right.
RotJ: Video of the Best Starcraft Player devolving into the retard and getting assed by one average Player.

TFA: One primitive story about the farm boy done wrong.
TLJ: Subversion done wrong.

 

TPM: Obi-Wan becomes a man. No, not like that.

AotC: Padme discovers that experience isn't everything.

RotS: Wow, you should've sought couples counseling before it turned into... this.

ANH: Han Solo gets *****-whipped. By a farmboy, strangely.

TESB: A damaged man tries to reach out to his children.

RotJ: The Emperor's new dementia.

TFA: Basically the Star Wars version of JJ's Star Trek quasi reboot.

TLJ: Because we needed to divide the fanbase even more than it already was. Good job!

 

TPM: Honestly, not as bad as everyone says it is
AotC: ^^^
RotS: Best prequel
ANH: Classic SW nostalgia
TESB: great movie
RotJ: Probably the best of them all (sidenote: should have stopped the movies at this point, let the novels do the rest)
TFA: MOD Edit: No
TLJ: Mod Edit: No again. Stop with the Disney Bashing.

 

An Update/Revision of my previous post:

TPM: The guy from Taken sponsors a 10 year old in a Space NASCAR race, is later killed by a Red Spikey Dude, the Red Spikey Dude got cut in half a bit later, which he somehow survives.
AOTC: The 10 year old is now an Angsty, Emo Teenager, and doesn't like sand.
ROTS: An Old Dude and the now adult Emo Guy take over the galaxy.
SOLO: Overconfident Loser gets friendzoned by a Childhood Friend, and the Red Spikey Dude gives the Childhood Friend a promotion.
R1: Tarkin copies Krennic's homework.
ANH: Tarkin is expelled (from life) for stealing homework.
ESB: Emo Guy chases down his son for misbehavior.
ROTJ: Emo Guy kills his boss and mends family relationships in the process.
TFA: A Second Emo Guy, inspired by his grandfather, the original Emo Guy, kills his dad for thinking that he was just going through a phase.
TLJ: The Second Emo Guy tries to express his true feelings towards his crush, creeps her out in the process.

 

TPM: 9 year old child blows a spaceship up killing hundreds
AOTC: Teenager gets friendzoned and uses his powers to lift apples
ROTS: Space monk rides a giant lizard and fights a cyborg with cough problems
ANH: Another kid blows up a space station killing hundreds
ESB: The Muppets in a swamp
ROTJ: Creepy old man: the movie
TFA: Emo kid tries to get the girl but gets his ass beaten by the girl
TLJ: Same as TFA

 

TPM: frog guy saves the day. Yipee
AOTC mullet man and rat tailed teen need saving.
ROTS: Rat tailed teen now has girl haircut, joins cackling friend
ANH: Jawas and storage wars.
ESB: wampas eat tauntons, Lando gets choked and punched for having his friends over for dinner
ROTJ: Teddy bears and cackling friend who falls down a mine shaft.
TFA: diary of a teen aged stormtrooper
TLJ: Finn and Rose's date at the dog track with mumbles

 

I - First, Boy is slave. Then, Boy is free. First, Boy is a podracer. Then, Boy is a Jedi.
II - Obi-Wan is holding him back. Oh, well. He gets married anyways.
III - Oops. Looks like her diplomatic solution has caused a war. So he kills her.
IV - Boy meets his daughter. Too bad she doesn't like Dad very much.
V - Boy meets his son. Too bad Dad doesn't like Son's hand very much.
VI - Boy meets his son. On the... good side... this time... Before his master kind of kills him...sort of by accident
VII- Boy's grandson worships Boy's helmet. Boy's son takes his hood off - wow.
VIII - Boy's grandson forgot about helmet - whew! Boy's son has forgotten the sunny side of life. But at least he remembered how to talk.

 

TPM: Rival religious order uses Corporate entities as pawns to vie with dominant religious power over control of government and a slave frees himself in the process.

AOTC: Assasination attempt of peace activist ignites biggest war in a thousand years.

ROTS: Bad mans lies tricks heroic solider into murdering children to save his own pregnant wife.

Solo: Young kid rises up to take down criminal empire to win the girl and accomplishes neither.

Rogue One: thieves working for terrorists steal government secrets.

ANH: hick falls for sister and murders billions to impress her.

ESB: estranged father attempts to reconnect with wayward son.

ROTJ: teddy bears go on rampage and take down government.

TFA: homeless girl charmed by deserter fights against school shooter

TLJ: A sucidal man is talked into killing himself in a more meaningful way.

 

Lol, good one

 

1: magic cops investigate trade disputes
2: a wizard falls in love with a senator
3: a coming of age story
Solo: a smuggler convinces a giant to leave his family
Rogue One: a man sabotages his government
4: a farmer becomes a terrorist
5: a black man finds his son
6: furry dwarfs save the galaxy
7: a traitor becomes a terrorist
8: a man and woman learn how to skype

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

 

TPM: Short robot can't fix flying boat so he searches desert for help. He meets a tall robot friend.
AOTC: Short robot reunites with his friend and they see other robots making bad robots. His tall friend then goes bad but the short robot ends up redeeming him.
ROTS: Short robot fights lots of bad robots but doesn't get to spend much time with his robot friend.
Solo: A different tall robot starts a robot revolution and then she becomes a spaceship.
RO: Another tall and strong robot who used to be bad is now good and fights bad guys, then he dies.
ANH: Short robot's flying boat gets boarded so he and his tall robot friend search desert for help. Short robot helps his new human friend destroy a metal moon.
ESB: Short robot goes to a swamp while his human friend meets a troll that's shorter than him. Short robot does not like the swamp, or anything that lives there.
RoTJ: Short robot goes back to the desert and serves drinks. Then he goes to a forest where his tall robot friend is worshiped by short furry cannibals.
TFA: Short robot is depressed until shorter round robot brings him news about his human friend.
TLJ: Short robot tries to talk some sense into his human friend because he is depressed.

That was fun,
Makarios

 

TPM: An armed militia refuses to pay its taxes, but a rogue faction in the government helps the ringleaders escape arrest.
AOTC: A corrupt Senator promises to vote one way to help a colleague, but immediately changes sides.
ROTS: An aging politician undergoes a facelift, but is unsatisfied with the results and kills his plastic surgeon in a fit of rage.
ANH: Local farm boy is recruited by terrorist cell, then blows up a government base, killing millions.
ESB: A father decides cutting off his long-lost son's hand is a good way to introduce himself.
ROTJ: The leader of a terrorist cell makes an alliance with a tribe of man-eating aliens.
TFA: A robot gets a new arm in a different color.
TLJ: A robot gets a new arm that matches the rest of his chassis.

 

TPM: The High Ground and his bored master rescue Big Frog Man and fight Satan.

AOTC:The High Ground shows Boba who his daddy is while Sand-Man fights Dracula.

ROTS: Sand-Man strikes against sand, murders younglings (not just the children, but the children, and the children too) while Dr. Phil takes over the psychology industry and The High Ground Takes The High Ground.

Rogue One: hope hope hope hope hopity hope hopes

ANH: Farmboy harasses Dr. Phil

ESB: Old Midget Frog Man plans assassination attempt on Dr. Phil.

ROTJ: Farmboy and his dad go on the Dr. Phil Show while racist blind man harasses man from New Zealand.

TFA: Scavenger and former Nazi decide they don't like Hugh Hefner and his appentice, Darth Edgelord.

TLJ: Darth Edgelord gets edgier and kills Hugh Hefner, decides old people suck, while farmboy is now depressed because his crops died.

Solo: Teen love ensues in inner-city America while Satan has a mid life crisis.