main
side
curve
  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga Burn! Burn! Burn! (PreAotC/Horror/ OCs, Poof, Anakin, Obi-Wan) **COMPLETE**

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by oqidaun, Aug 5, 2005.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    JOINME: Now is Anakin going to confide in Obi-Wan before it's too late?--what do you think?
    Padawankitara: of course I shall, I hate the real world.
     
  2. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Burn! Burn! Burn!
    Servant of the Suicide Moon


    Chapter Sixteen:
    Winter dances here?


    Soft voices endeavored not to wake her, yet grew weary of the interrupted routine as the morning passed. The aroma of baking bread and hot tea, the softness of the warm quilts and the comfortable labor of the matriarch?s house seemed natural, although she had never experienced anything like it in her life. As she stirred, a friendly young woman brought her a cup of spiced tea mixed with milk. Fortified by the warm liquid, she climbed out of bed, braved the cold water in the wash basin and dressed quickly.

    Anxious to refill her cup, she hurried down the narrow stairs into the common room. The same friendly, albeit wordless, woman poured her more tea and gave her a slice of dark bread. The elderly matriarch sat beside a tiny girl in front of a strange old machine. Intently, Elitrea watched as the matriarch silently instructed the child. The click of the ancient wooden shuttle and the creaking of the loom possessed a hypnotic quality. Her old fingers moved to correct the child?s mistakes as needed, while the disparate strains of dyed woolen yarn merged into an intricate angular pattern.

    As she watched the mistress instruct her apprentice, Elitrea?s thoughts fled from the serenity of the busy room to memories of her Padawan and her heart grew heavy.

    Sensing her sadness, the old woman turned to her. ?Sometimes the old ways are best.? Whether she meant the machine or the teaching of the child, Elitrea did not know. ?There are other more modern ways to do this, but it would mean nothing.?

    Elitrea approached the loom and studied the wool rug. ?It?s beautiful.?

    ?No,? she gently admonished. ?This child is beautiful. That I am able to teach her is beautiful. This,? she gestured to the weaving, ?is functional?a simple record of our time together. Just a piece of life and it?s far from perfect,? she pointed to a knot near the top. ?That happened the night of the fire. I rarely make mistakes, but now it cannot be undone without destroying all of our other work.?

    ?Why didn?t you pull it out earlier??

    ?It?s something you only see in retrospect.? She shrugged and briefly turned her attention back to the lesson. ?When it happened it seemed inconsequential. I barely noticed; however, now from a distance it is quite obvious.?

    ?As are many things,? Elitrea looked at her empty cup and the blisters on her hand. ?I seek understanding.?

    ?I didn?t know you came for understanding. I thought you wanted answers so that you can undo the knots and tangles in your life.?

    ?They told me that if any one could explain, you could.?

    ?They lied. As you can see I don?t untie my knots.?

    ?They said you, of all of the people who live on Shoda, know the most about the ancient ways. That?s the information I seek.?

    She shook her head. ?My mother taught me how to use this old loom to make these rugs for my daughters. My mother taught me how to weave the cloth that does not burn. She also taught me how to read the lines on your hands to see if you?ll have daughters or sons and to determine the length of the coming winter by the direction the equusine faces whilst birthing her autumn foals. I know these things, but I do not profess to understand any of it. It is beyond me and I am content with it.?

    She looked down at the little girl. ?I had to return to this place for I am compelled by a vision of my dead student.? She paused. ?I must know where that girl came from and what she is. He cannot rest until I find out. Tell me what is meant by the words Burning Child.?

    The activity in the room stopped and the small girl at the loom dropped her shuttle. The old woman?s face grew stony. ?Not in my house. You will not say such a thing in my house least you bid the fires to my door.? She whispered.

    ?Apparently, then you know.?

    ?The man in the brown robes asked the same of me. I told him what little I dared and look what happened. I will not tempt such things to come to my hearth. From now on, you will speak of evil ou
     
  3. GrandAdmiralV

    GrandAdmiralV Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    May 30, 2005
    There's so much I love about this story -- it has wonderfully atmospheric quality about it, such a feeling of portents and undercurrents. And this latest post just carries on with that mood.

    I enjoyed this entire post very much, but of course there were a few things that stood out...

    People who chase such evils realize only too late that the path is circular and in their pursuit have allowed evil to pursue them.

    Wonderful line. Makes me think of a certain exorcist. [face_devil]

    Love, love, LOVE this exchange:

    ?It is still morning.?

    ?On Shoda,? she agreed. ?But, elsewhere the darkness has already fallen.?


    Absolutely gave me the shivers!

    And really, I think if you're given too much crap by the people in RL who are expecting your nonfiction work you should just show them this story. I'd forgive you just about anything for it! :)
     
  4. Exeter

    Exeter Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 2, 2005
    This is just downright freaky x5!

    I agree with GrandAdmiralV that this exchange was pretty wicked:

    ?It is still morning.?

    ?On Shoda,? she agreed. ?But, elsewhere the darkness has already fallen.?


    I also liked:

    "...I will not tempt such things to come to my hearth. From now on, you will speak of evil outside in the snow where the winds can carry it away.?

    Has a very superstitious (and apt) quality about it. I wouldn't want to have that conversation in my home either...

    Excellent update, oqidaun!
     
  5. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    I'm pleased that the "On Shoda..." exchange is going over so well. It was the last bit I added to round out that scene.
    Thanks GrandAdmiralV and Exeter!

     
  6. JOINME

    JOINME Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 25, 2005
    Fantastic update oqidaun,
    but it's what I expect of you! [face_dancing]

    The mood with this post was very creepy,
    very foreboding..

    That old woman is just so amazing, everything she says..she's the type that says so much by saying very little..

    anyway it looks like Dezan isn't going to rest, literally..

    [face_worried]

    I can't wait to see what will happen next!
     
  7. Darth_Scroobius

    Darth_Scroobius Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 1, 2005
    Oqi, you have a talent for creating cryptic chirography.

    I rarely make mistakes - Hey, me too! ;)

    They lied. - My favorite sentence.

    ?I must do what I can and I must learn what she is.?
    ?She is stronger than you.


    Interesting, but we knew that after she killed a Jedi master. The real question is not how strong she is, but why? What is her purpose? Other than having fun, of course.

    PS - I had to pull out the eyepatch for this review, but I guess it's my fault for forgetting my pills this afternoon.
     
  8. PadawanKitara

    PadawanKitara Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 31, 2001
    That last line

    eeeeek!
     
  9. correllian_ale

    correllian_ale Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Alright, you have the races of (I think they're humans, I sometimes miss details) with the Nordakari, the Ladakari, and the Mandakari I read about in A Cacophany of Voices.
    Now you have the characters of Burn!Burn!Burn!, some of whom seem to be connected.
    To top it off, there's the ever popular Mazaricky No-Name!
    And the all intertwine in many ways...and seemlessly with cannon characters no less.

    You have sucessfully created a universe, inside a universe. [face_hypnotized]

    I can't consintrate on my own fic, I'm trying to wrap my head around how detailed, and flawless your writing is...AAGGGHH!

    I can't compliment you enough oqidaun. =D=

    How does Scroob put up with you?

     
  10. Bale

    Bale Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 9, 2005
    Wow! This story is amazing. It just keeps getting better and more intriguing with each chapter. =D= :)
     
  11. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    I'm going to put together a PM list for all interested parties. There'll be an update late, late tonight and when you leave your comment if you want to be on the PM list, just say so and I'll do it. :D

    Bale: That's my intention, because if was going the other direction we'd have a problem.

    Correllian_Ale: Nordakari, Ladakari, and Mandakari are all human races. The Nordakari are regenerative and old as dirt, which makes them exceptional, but everyone appears moderately human. EEK! That's not Maz! Kind of spooky that you bring up sneaky little fellow though, because Maz/Elan are making a brief cameo in the next chapter on Coruscant as first year med students (they're in their early 20s). That Ladakari kid was just a generic Ladakari kid--if it makes you feel better it can be Maz's cousin (Ladakari don't have right pinky fingers, I'll explain later in A Cacophony of Voices ;) ). I keep all my OC centric fics tightly woven together. If I keep hitting you guys over the head the same world/characters eventually it's going to seep in and seem like a more natural part of the GFFA. Also I can do backstories and funky stuff in all of my fics and if you've followed one you'll be able to catch on to the others. Sneaky, non? :D Thanks always for your comments.

    Padawankitara: eeeeeek! That's what I like to hear. :D

    JOINME: I like the Matriarch for that very same reason. What isn't said speaks volumes.

    Also, those of you who regularly comment or read my stuff, please don't hesitate to PM me with links to your work. I'd be more than happy to read it and if I miss an update please tell me--especially if you post off the Saga board.


     
  12. correllian_ale

    correllian_ale Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 20, 2005
    I really do like the way you keep your OCs inter-woven. I was actually referring to Maz's appearance in ATSoG, but he will soon appear in this fic you say ?!? [face_dancing]

    Do anymore of your fics have that kinship to each other?

    EDIT: oh, and please add me to that PM list...:D
     
  13. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Chapter Seventeen:
    No sacred places


    The setting sun bled into the dark clouds before sinking into the steel and duracrete horizon. Thunder rumbled high above and the sound reverberated through the empty museum. The interior lights dimmed signaling the end of the day. Reluctantly, she closed the ancient folios and gathered her datapads. Had she sat in the reading room under the watchful eyes of the lean faced insectoid sculptures for ten thousand years, she would not be finished. Fortunately, the goal was not completion, but understanding.

    ?Thank you so much for your help, Mai.? The Zabrak rummaged through her pockets. ?If you ever decide that the Jedi route is not the one you want to take, I?ll make you my number one assistant. Or maybe I?ll just kidnap you and keep you the archives forever.?

    ?Thank you, I think,? the Padawan chuckled and politely pointed to the code card sitting on top of the cluttered desk. Blushing, Dr. Alexandria, head archivist of the Coruscant Museum of Galactic Culture and Folklore, seized the card and rolled her dark eyes.

    ?I can recite the forty two creation epics of the ancient Twi?Leks including the Scroobian heresies, but can?t keep up with my door card. I?d lose my horns if they weren?t attached to my head. Come, I?ll walk you out.?

    Weaving their way through the towering limestone sculptures of the museum?s temporary exhibit of warrior deities from the Outer Rim, they chatted about the upcoming exhibit on the legends of the Hyperdrive. At the main entrance, Dr. Alexandria swiped her code card through the reader and the doubly thick transparisteel doors slid open.

    ?It?s getting dark and looks like rain, Mai. Would you like me to call for a taxi to take you back to the Temple??

    The ominous clouds and retreating sunlight tempted Mai to accept her offer, but Master Poof demanded frugality above all things. ?That won?t be necessary, but I thank you.?

    ?Be careful,? She stepped back in to the building. ?It feels like there?s electricity in the air.?

    ?I shall,? Mai promised as the first drops fell. ?And thank you so much for letting me help you with the translations. May I come tomorrow??

    ?You?re always welcome here, Mai.?

    ---

    It was not a long walk to the Temple, but the weather complicated things. Even with her thick hood up, she was getting soaked. Succumbing to her hunger and the cold, she ducked inside a tiny shop advertising Devaronian tea. Low shelves overflowing with trinkets and kitsch from across the Galaxy created a maze leading to the back of the shop where a long counter served as the demarcation line between the gift shop/tea house and the proprietor?s residence. A painfully bored looking young Devaronian male with his characteristic red flesh and sharp horns amused himself by balancing a coaster on end and knocking it over?repeatedly.

    ?What?s your poison, kid?? He dropped the plastifilm menu on the counter in front of her. Not much more than eighteen, himself, Mai found it funny that he was calling her ?kid?.

    ?A cup of tea and maybe some biscuits?? She calculated the tax in her head. Master Poof had left her a small sum of ?emergency? credits to cover any incidentals while he was away. While some masters like Stass Allie and Luminara Unduli were well known for the financial generosity they showed their Padawans, Master Poof rarely opened his credit purse.

    ?No problem,? the Devaronian yawned.

    ---

    Hot and mildly sweet, Mai savored the tea and let her gaze rove over the shop. A loud clap of thunder punctuated the arrival of a human girl and a male Bimm. The girl?s soggy hair was an artificial maroon to rival the paint job on a diplomatic cruiser, she wore an old orange flight suit and a black synth-leather jacket embellished with metal studs and superfluous chains. The Bimm wore an archaic plum colored velvet courtier?s coat and his fox-like ears were pierced innumerable times. He shook the water from his dark fur inelegantly and the unusual pair negotiated the retail labyrinth with familiarity. As she sat down beside
     
  14. Bale

    Bale Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 9, 2005
    and if she dies while I?m in there, I doubt I?m going to get my extra credit
    [face_laugh]

    More interesting OC's, I love it. Awesome update.
     
  15. correllian_ale

    correllian_ale Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Good to see Elan & Maz, and more great OCs than I can shake a stick at!
    I really like the pair of Boori & Kip. I also like Padawan Mai, and I'm eager to see how she responds to her shady, and apparently quite cheap, Master Poof's dishonesty.

    ?I don?t know what kind of grandmother you have, but my grandmother was nice and took us to the zoo." That'll have me grinning for days at inappropriate times...

    Poor Elan! At least I won't be the only one having nightmares!

     
  16. Darth_Scroobius

    Darth_Scroobius Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 1, 2005
    I can recite the forty two creation epics of the ancient Twi?Leks including the Scroobian heresies, but can?t keep up with my door card.

    Scroobian heresies? Should I be honored or insulted? The answer, as it is for most either/or questions, is yes. [face_coffee] I thought you were kidding about the whole minor deity thing. Evidently not. Am I one of those warrior deity statues?

    Her master regularly lectured her that a Jedi must remain aloof and avoid entanglements with ?common? beings.

    Common beings? Elitist pigs. (Editor's Note: Look who's talking, jackass. [Note: that expletive is okay because it is referring to an animal, and not a part of the human anatomy.])

    ?Friend, potential lover, disgruntled devil and?uh, pretty Jedi warrior?? - Ha.

    She?s going out of her mind, pulling off the oxygen unit, ripping leads off and she even pulls out her IV; which gets blood everywhere.

    You mean in a GFFA they don't have combination lipstick containers and super-amazing all-purpose healing devices like Star Trek? Bummer. (Note: the Star Trek reference is acceptable here because I intend it derisively.)

    What the hell is a Burning Child?

    Still waiting for an answer on that one. Though I'm going to go out on a limb, and say that it probably does NOT mean a child on fire. But I could be wrong on that one.

    And now for something completely different:

    I accidentally clicked on the Terms of Service when I meant to hit the preview button. Anyway, this is the first sentence:

    User agrees not to post material that is knowingly false and/or defamatory, misleading, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, that otherwise violates any law, or that encourages conduct constituting a criminal offense.

    It turns out I violate this one on almost every post. Some part of almost every post of mine is at least misleading, not to mention the occasional threatening post. Oops [face_shhh]. Let's keep this between me and everyone else on the boards. I'd hate to be ratted out.
     
  17. PadawanKitara

    PadawanKitara Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 31, 2001
    Poor Scrooby- I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing for fear of waking up the new puppy

    I like kip- he seems like an amusing character to be around
     
  18. Exeter

    Exeter Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 2, 2005
    ?I can recite the forty two creation epics of the ancient Twi?Leks including the Scroobian heresies, but can?t keep up with my door card. I?d lose my horns if they weren?t attached to my head."

    [face_laugh] Sounds like an archivist who truly enjoys her work! Scroobian heresies, indeed...

    ?Are you a Jedi or do you just play one on the HoloNet??

    That was a great line.

    I'm very impressed by all of the detail you add when you write. They make it a much more comprehensive story without bogging it down.

    Once again, the chapter has that eerieness to it, but I literally was hunched forward reading Elan recite the story as if he was sitting next to me. You set that up perfectly to make it as interesting as possible.

    Always good to see Elan show up, of course. You've got his characterization down to a science.

    I also loved how you manage to weave in a personal experience/real life occurance into an exciting plot device.

    Great work as always!

     
  19. JOINME

    JOINME Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 25, 2005
    fantastic update oqidaun!

    I was really freaked out by this post, and even more so when I found out the old lady story is true! its funny and sad at the same time... and the 'Burning child'.... :D Looks like I know now what Badour is... :D

    I can't wait to find out more about that! [face_dancing]
     
  20. GrandAdmiralV

    GrandAdmiralV Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    May 30, 2005
    Fabulous update as always -- I guess the little critter has finally made her way to Coruscant. I am waiting eagerly to see what kind of poodoo hits the air circulator.

    Just a bunch of really fabulous OCs in this chapter -- I love how you can give a clear impression of their separate and distinct personalities with just a sentence or two.

    I just hope that Poof ends up getting what's coming to him, because the more I read about him the more I want to smack him upside the head. Mai seems like a cool character, and I hope she doesn't have a nasty end awaiting her.

    And really, I can't think of a better person than Scroobius to name a heresy after... :p

    But what I really, really want to know is whether you're going to keep teasing us with this whole Burning Child thing or whether at some point we'll actually discover exactly what Badour is....

    Excellent post -- please, sir, can I have some more? :)
     
  21. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    **Arranges fruit platter and fancy cheez for reviewers, throws Scroob a slab of bologna**
    Thanks for the comments! You guys rock my socks!

    Bale: Extra credit is a very important thing.

    Correllian_Ale: Glad you like Boori and Kip they're going to show up in another story later and I thought it would be fun to introduce them here. Poor Mai, can you imagine being stuck with Poof as your Master.

    Scroob: Of course they don't have those wussy Star Trek lipstick case medico-magical wands--GFFA is hardcore and bloody!
    ...it probably does NOT mean a child on fire. But I could be wrong on that one. I don't know about that ol'herectical one...
    Oh, wait you're right. [face_plain]

    PadawanKitra: Kip's fun. A little foppish, but all Bimms are. He'll be back in other things.

    Exeter: I liked that line, too. And mucho thanks on the plot comments, I've been around a lot of weird stories in RL.

    JOINME: Looks like I know now what Badour is... Oh, you think you do?

    GrandAdmiralV: Glad you liked my OCs. I like yours, too.

    I promise you're going to find out what Badour is my wonderful little friends, but you have to have a little patience. ;) Back in Chapter 12 Badour gives Anakin a partial answer. Additionally, Banner knows (as he has the matriarch's words) and probably our new friend Dr. Alexandria might be able to give a little insight so there's hope that Mai and Elitrea will figure it out.

    And Anakin is a bit keen on figuring it out too...

    Then again there's always that damn book Poof's got his grubby little hands on.

    Note:
    Mai is pronounced with a long "i" as it would be in Vietnamese--not May. :) Some folks get all freaky with funky pronunciations--so you can stop worrying if that had you worried.


     
  22. jaylis

    jaylis Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    May 18, 2005
    ?But that?s not all, because while the old lady is dying a really awful death I look up and I swear there?s this little kid standing at the door watching. This is a sterile restricted access unit and there?s this little girl in this old black dress just standing there watching us."

    Hmmmm, Badour described herself as an observer, a messenger, and something occasionally very terrible.

    She's never afraid of anyone and she often intends on driving others mad.

    Since so many of the old know about Burning Child, does this mean there are more or are there just one at a time? Is there a preparation period like 'seventeen years in the autumn?'

    Aside from all the questions, I thank you (the genius) and your OCs (all so diverse and carefully illustrated) for giving us a great chapter! I'll be waiting to see what mischief Badour's going to stir up next!
     
  23. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Since so many of the old know about Burning Child, does this mean there are more
    yes.

    Jaylis, Hmmm... On to something, you are.

    Thanks for the friendly comments!
     
  24. LLL

    LLL Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 16, 2000
    O

    M

    G!!!!

    This story is really blowing me away!!

    It's such an original idea, and so involving and so intriguing on so many levels. And so overwhelmingly written.

    And I am SOOOO on tenterhooks to find out what in the GFFA is going on!!

    I love the use of poetry. Just that by itself is so hard to do. But all the research, and the fine details make the story really come to life. Your OC's are very very good too.

    I have to say I've never seen such an original idea, and the presentation of it is as skillful as anything I've ever read. When you're done with this, please submit it to the archive. We need more stories like this one!!

    ...

    (I noticed Palpy in that pic. Are we going to see him come on the scene?? *waits*)
     
  25. oqidaun

    oqidaun Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2005
    Chapter Eighteen
    Ask me why I'm here


    The cold night air seemed fresh after the storm and Mai walked slowly back to the Temple. For the first time in the past week, Dezan?s suicide did not monopolize her thoughts. Instead, she focused on the details of the Balosar?s strange story. As he recounted the events, he had been genuinely afraid and she wondered if it might have been more than a ?stress induced hallucination?. Perhaps, she would mention it to Dr. Alexandria if the opportunity presented itself. Maybe she could shed some light on the strange apparition or hallucination.

    ?Burning Child,? she said words without knowing why.

    Involuntarily, she glanced over her shoulder. While she liked scary stories, she hated walking in the dark. Fear leads to the Dark Side, she told herself and stopped. Touching her lightsaber for courage, she turned around and surveyed the emptiness behind her. Breathing deep the night air, she calmed herself. There is no fear in the Force.

    When she turned back around towards the Temple, she spied someone crouched down on the walkway. She found it odd that she had not noticed the person before and immediately wondered if they were injured or had fallen. She quickened her pace.

    As she neared the shadowy being, it looked up and ran away. From her distance she could not tell what it was, but it appeared to be a small humanoid in dark robes. Reaching the spot on the walkway where the being had been moments earlier, she noticed some marks on the duracrete. Facing away from the Temple the markings formed words.

    Bidden or Unbidden I Am Here.

    Intrigued, she touched one of the letters scrawled on the ground and held her hand up to see the medium used to write it. The dark substance was sticky, coagulated. Using her free hand she grabbed and ignited her lightsaber, its blue blade emitting enough light to see the color staining her fingers.

    ?By the Force,? she breathed as she confirmed the nature of the dark red substance used to write the strange message.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.