Games [Choose Your Own Adventure] Kadu Bee Incoming

Solved

 

Sweat trickles. It's getting harder to focus, and your patience ebbs. And then. . . you break out of the treeline into open air. Finally! Ahead waits a stepped pyramid with thin towers at the four corners, and at the very top. But the temple is ringed by a wide chasm that falls forever. Way too wide to leap. Where's the bridge? A swarm of insects buzzes in the trees, getting closer. Oh no. The Kadu bees!

 

Amazing fragment. It's engaging and it contains a nice dose of good world building.
Quite interesting choice to have the temple surrounded by the deep chasm. It suggests that either the temple is so ancient that when it was built space ships didn't exist, or -more likely- that there are dangerous beasts in the forest that need to be kept away.

Anyway, it opens several possibilities for the story to develop.

They'll just need to find a way to enter the damn temple, and survive the bees.

This piece is going to be difficult to beat.

 

We need to recruit more writers...
Btw @Darth Punk what do you think about the idea that if nobody challenges a paragraph for a certain number of days we assume that everyone loves it and we go with that without voting?

 

I think @CairnsTony is a writer (hey Cty! )
Then there are the RPG pro Masters, like @Lordban and @blackmyron, but they might snub us

 

Wot.

I've never seen this thread before. What happens here?

EDIT: yes I write. Lots. See my sig.

OK so I've read the opening exchanges and I'm seeing third person (good), but in the present tense (not so good, but doable). Writing in second person is next to impossible, without it sounding weird.

Happy to join in, but my contributions might be somewhat jarring, as I tend to write in 3rd person limited past.

1st person present: I see the light up ahead and move slowly towards it.
1st person past: I saw the light up ahead and moved slowly towards it.
2nd person: You see the light up ahead and move slowly towards it.
3rd person limited present: She sees the light up ahead and moves slowly towards it.
3rd person limited past: She saw the light up ahead and moved slowly towards it.
3rd person omniscient past: She saw the light up ahead and moved slowly towards it. Unknown to her, someone was watching her progress.

 

I believe @devilinthedetails writes fan fiction.

@VadersLaMent @Emperor Ferus Either of you want another crack at it?

 

It's very simple. You write a possible new paragraph of the story, and if it gets voted it gets chosen.

 

Thank you. As I say, my contributions might be jarring because I don't write in the present tense. Sorry.

Otherwise I'm happy to join in.

 

@CairnsTony
The format chosen by Punk is 2nd person present, a part from the introductory prologue, so ideally the paragraph should be written that way, I think ("you see the light" etc etc.)

 

Bits of the story are in 3rd person though, and there are flips between present and past tense. As I say, 99.9% of stories are written in 1st and 3rd, mostly 3rd.

It's cool, but I'll keep out as I don't want to upset your rhythm. Enjoy yourselves.

 

@CairnsTony
I think that what you did already works pretty well

You see the light up ahead and move slowly toward it. Unknown to you, someone is watching your progress...

 

Thanks, but it feels unnatural to my way of writing, so as I say I don't wish to spoil the fun by insisting on 3rd person.

Btw, I noticed that you flipped my third person omniscient to second person. That's a mind****.

This is the sort of stuff I write, which is why it's a bad fit for your story.

Random extract from book 3 of my trilogy, that I just happen to be editing:
The medical profession were not so squeamish and embraced a living technology that could knit bones, repair organs, prevent infection and eliminate pain more effectively than anything else they had at their disposal. Only Yoshi was prepared to submit to their scrutiny at first. But when Ciara finally came on board, she was able to manipulate the alien technology in the interests of research. Pulling alien worms out of her body made some gag; all the more reason Ciara enjoyed that little party trick.

 

I'm retired, last time I ran a full-on campaign was five years ago But I've actually bookmarked this thread at home (love the concept; and fan fiction round robins were part of my fare here, er, 20 years ago).

Anyway, to be slaughtered by @Ava G. ...

Thankfully, thirst isn't an immediate issue. In the distance, you can hear the burbling of a stream, a welcome counterpoint to the relentless buzzing that chips away at your already frayed nerves. What you need most is rest - and you can't afford it. How much longer can you rely on your training to make up for your lack of sleep? What chance do you really have to escape from the predators hounding you - both sentient and wild - when you can see no clear pathway to freedom? "Place your trust in the Force", were you taught by your master; but your trust in the Force has never been more sorely tested.

 

@Lordban I like the pace here. I love that we focus for a moment on the emotional and physical state of the protagonist. And I also love the sense of desperation in the sleep deprived Padawan. We should invite him in our Insomnia thread lol.

Yeah, I get that the "unknown to you" sounds weird in 2nd person, but I don't think we should worry too much about the style, it's mostly for the pleasure of working out a cool story together. I mean I barely speak English

 

You do yourself a disservice Esmir! You're fluent in English.

The thing is, Healer Leona wrote by far the best passage, but then got criticised for writing in third person. It read well because of this.

I'd love to take part, but I'm one of these annoying bastards who likes to do it the way books are actually written. Hence I'll sit out.

 

Hey, I'm an amateur writer too!
My best friend in high school and I used to do a round robin story on the local BBS that was basically just the two of us. 30 years later, I'm still riffing on that story.
Anyways, I'll throw in my contro:

Without warning, the sky lights up from a flash of light. Squinting, you peer through the thick canopy and spot the trail of something descending to the planet, with a firey trail. A meteorite? A crashed spaceship? Something else?
You realize from the trajectory its impact will be quite near. As the object disappears from view amid the treeline, a few seconds later there is a loud screeching sound and then the ground rumbles from the impact, enough that you have to steady yourself against a tree. Unseen wildlife causes the brush to rustle as they flee in a blind panic. Now what, you wonder?

 

Roll a D12 on the encounter table: 12.

Oh.

(Sorry, couldn't help it )

 

You encounter 1d3 krayt dragons. Roll for initiative!

 

Sure, don't get me wrong. It's your thread, and you can do whatever you want.