JCC Coping with Elderly Parent Issues [Support Thread]

Thank you @Runjedirun . From trying to google likely prognoses (while waiting for the additional tests), it seems that the amount of time left after a heart failure diagnosis can vary quite a bit. If I'm understanding what I'm reading, it seems she could possibly have even several years more (best case scenario if it progresses slowly). At the other end of possibilities, a heart failure patient is of course also at significantly increased risk for sudden cardiac arrest that is fatal. Will have to wait and see when we get more info.

 

Thank you Lady B and TCF

In rereading my initial post, I realize it may have sounded like her passing was imminent. I didn't mean that--I just meant that the heart failure diagnosis adds a "concreteness" in the sense that I feel like now I know what almost certainly will be the cause of her passing. I actually didn't realize before yesterday that "heart failure" can be a relatively slow decline (prior to reading more about it, I thought "heart failure" meant that someone was literally on their deathbed with their heart on the verge of giving out at any moment). It does seem there can be a lot of uncertainty about how long someone can live with "heart failure."

 

Sending you hugs @Pensivia I really hope your mom and you will be okay and comfortable in this transition.

It’s been rough going here, but I am working on being positive and strong and excelling at work, so I can be here for mom.

 

Thank you @Master_Lok

Your mom is lucky to have you. I know it continues to be a long caregiving journey for you. Are you in the process of hiring someone to help? I know that must be a big step for you as if understand correctly, you've pretty much been handling it alone until now (?)

 

It's hard, @Pensivia. Make sure she is comfortable, spend as much time as you can manage and hope that when the end comes, that it is quick and with no pain.

 

I wish I had some profound insight or words of comfort to offer. Life isn't easy, period, but I think that it;s an unfortunate truth that it's a lot harder when you are determined to try to do right by your family and friends - the challenges can be daunting. Truly hope all works out. Will keep you and yours in thoughts and prayers.

 

I'm currently a full-time professional live-in carer for an elderly man here on Scilly. I don't know how much longer I'll be in the job, but suffice it to say, when he goes, I'm out of a job. I'm exhausted every day beyond measure.

To anyone who is going through those final years, months, weeks, days. You have my empathy.

 

Glad your aunt is back home.

 

Having my parents in assisted living near my house really helped me do a better job managing their care. I hope that is possible for your mother/ aunt and uncle. Even when they have a professional caregiver checking in on them often it's so important for them to have an advocate or more than one to make sure they are really getting decent care. I was coordinating between 2 caregivers a hospice nurse and another medicare-paid aid for two parents for a while and they really were not in a good position to manage all that and take in information and make sure they had the supplies they needed etc. If you are willing to take that on for your aunt and uncle that will likely contribute significantly to their quality of life but it is no small ask for a niece to take responsibility for all of it.

 

@Obi Anne & @anakinfansince1983 Sending

Still wrangling paperwork so the county locks in mom’s 24/7 care, that way I can work in NYC again (I’m thinking very positive about one academic library position). We lucked out with the home aide agency we have as there are two amazing aides and three very good aides.

 

It’s good to know what your capacity is especially since your mother is more vulnerable now. Seems like you’re doing everything right.

 

(Been mostly away from the boards for a couple of weeks so just now catching up with this thread.)

That is totally understandable. You and your sister have done a great job of addressing the immediate crisis and getting the processes started to ensure that your aunt will get the support needed for the future. It's disappointing and frustrating that your uncle's son doesn't seem to be helping.

I'm glad to hear you've been able to get your mom to accept more help and were able to make her bathroom more accessible so that she can stay in her own home as long as possible.

@anakinfansince1983 I hope your parents are able to move into the assisted living place you mentioned soon. I'm sorry to hear your father is declining. How are you and your family holding up during this difficult time?

 

I can definitely relate to this in terms of my experience with my mom. It's weird what will "hit" me about her situation at different times. I read somewhere that it's part of the process of "anticipatory grief."

 

You are on to something about the concussions, @anakinfansince1983. My mother has severe short term memory loss, which is getting worse. There's no history of Alzheimer's or dementia in the family, but nearly 20 years ago she tripped in the garage and fell, smashing her head against the side of the car. She's had a lot of neurological problems ever since then. Professional football is moving away from head on tackles, I heard. Hope the schools are doing the same.

 

I'm glad the 24/7 care plan for your mom is coming together. The paperwork for all this kind of stuff can indeed be daunting (in 2021, I went through the process of getting my mom qualified for Medicaid). Glad you have found a good agency with good caregivers. I know you've been through so much the past couple of years with not only your mom's care, but everything you went through with the attack you suffered and your injuries from that. I'm wishing all the best for you and your mom.

 

Pensivia thank you so much. It just breaks my heart reading what you, @anakinfansince1983 @Mistress_Renata and so many other members are going through with your parent(s).

For me, it’s been a lot & lately I am frustrated I cannot do more for mom (I just want her to be okay and out of pain.)

Dealing with the attack the best way I can, just working to stay positive. It helps us both.

I have had that happen too.

Sending to everyone. You are all amazing.

 

@anakinfansince1983 My parents sold their house a long time ago and went into a townhouse after I moved out years and years ago. Like they sold their house back in 2004 and honestly was one of the best decisions they ever made especially since we got them into another one that is in our neighborhood (which my wife jokes she is like Debra from "Everyone Loves Raymond" as the circus is bascially next door!) that it's smaller but still plenty of room for them and best part is everything they need is on the first floor. My dad still likes into his "man cave" in the basement but being 83 now we are getting worried about him taking the stairs up and down. There is a landing so it breaks up the stairs and he is very careful but still. He can walk around the back as there is a back door that leads into their basement but that gets tricky during the winter and even spring months here. Incredibly the both drive still though very locally as one of the many reasons we push them to buy their current townhome is that down the street from the grocery store and some other stuff like Starbucks which my dad likes going to and having tea while surfing the internet on his laptop while showing the worst typing skills ever.

The thing about my parents though is that it will be really difficult or downright impossible to get them in assist living. Only one of my grandparents went to a assisted living place and she was 95 when that happened. My parents are going to be stubborn if and when the time comes. Very stubborn. We slowly been trying to have that discussion with them but they get upset. Ironically their end of life wishes, funerals, will (trust) are all set in stone and have been quite awhile other then a couple very small tweaks. But getting them to talk about where they are at now and what will do when they are less self sufficent aka need assistance? Don't want to talk about. My brother and I even tried to frame it as we just want a few options down that we can go use "IF" the time comes. Again don't want to go there. I guess for them it's admitting the end is coming and don't want to think about it which I get but at the same time just having a basic plan in place will make life a lot easier but again they don't want to go there.

 

@Luke02 - What about something like a home elevator to help with access to the 'man cave'? I see ads on UK TV for these a lot. It's not something I'd need in my current home as it is a ground floor flat so I have no idea on prices.

https://www.stiltzlifts.com/residential-elevator/