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Saga - ST [Dare Challenge Response] Kylo vs. the Ghosts of SNARK! (Kylo, Han, Anakin, Hux & more)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Ewok Poet, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Title: Kylo vs. the Ghosts of SNARK!
    Author: Ewok Poet
    Genre: Humour
    Characters: Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux, Captain Phasma and the Force ghosts of Han Solo, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn and Mace Windu
    Timeframe: Between Episodes VII and VIII. Say, 35 ABY
    Rating: NOBODY over the age of 12 should be reading this. Seriously, it's silly. 12 dog years, that is.
    Length: 2500 words
    Summary: On the big night of his small screen debut, Kylo Ren is haunted by his father and his grandfather's Force Ghosts.

    This is my response to the Mods' Dare Challenge. The requirements I got and who gave them to me (baby, a-ha, a-ha!) are in the spoiler below.

    Many thanks to Findswoman for her beta-read and Raissa Baiard for feedback on earlier drafts.

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 dares someone... write a story about Han Solo as a grumpy Force Ghost, interacting with Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin. Bonus nerd cred if you include Mace Windu and Qui-Gon Jinn. More bonus nerd cred if Han and Anakin haunt Kylo Ren. Don't forget the snark.

    WARNING: No real ducks were harmed in the making of this story, but if you're vegetarian or vegan, you might find some of it uncomfortable.

    So...Gunter Glieben Glauten Globen!

    “On, it is.” Grand Master Yoda’s Force ghost announced. “Watch it, of course we will!”

    The fellow Force ghosts of Anakin Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu immediately dropped whatever they had been doing and turned to him.

    “Sweet vengeance.” A somewhat unruly ghost ran to them from the Netherworld of the Force’s lounge area, where he had been chatting up the likes of Aayla Secura and Asajj Ventress for a bit of meaningless flirting, something often frowned upon by Skywalker and Kenobi. But – but…he was starting to feel lonely. The last time he attempted to visit his widow, she screamed and fell in her bathroom. She didn’t like his appearing from the drain, no, she didn’t.

    “Vengeance is not the way of a Jedi, Solo.” A pair of dark eyes came to judge him.

    “I’m not a Jedi, Master Windu. Never was, never will be. Say…bang-corn time?” The Corellian smuggler pointed to the ghostly sonic broiler, giving the former Hero of the Galactic Republic his characteristic lopsided grin.

    Windu crossed his arms. Jinn shrugged, flipped his long hair back and said, “Why not? Bang corn time! But…where is the broadcast?”

    “Work, the transmission does not.”

    Kenobi delivered a Force kick to the viewscreen, immediately cheering up a concerned Yoda. The show was about to begin.

    First screen: title COOKING WITH THE FIRST ORDER

    Second screen: Supreme Leader Snoke’s face is seen on a grilled bantha cheese sandwich

    A ginger-haired man in his thirties appeared onscreen, wearing a pink apron with a cupcake pattern over his military suit. He was accompanied by a figure in jet black.

    “My name is Armitage Hux and this HoloNet programme was approved by the First Order Mission.”

    “Armitage…sounds like a ’fresher factory in the Corporate Sector somewhere!” Han Solo bit his lip and nudged the diminutive green Grand Master.

    Yoda was not impressed. “Quiet, Han Solo should be. ’Fresher jokes, I frown upon.”

    “Our goal: to feed the population of the First Order-aligned star systems and make it creative! Each week, one of our most respected figures will share the secret of our success, through the kind of meals you WILL want to eat. For our first edition, I am proud to present to you…Kylo Ren!”

    “Is that what he is going to cook for us? Sounds like a kind of an apple slug stew…I’d try everything once, but not twice. Not twice.” Qui-Gon Jinn was disgusted.

    “No, that’s my son.” Solo shook his head. The lopsided grin morphed into a frown.

    “What did you say about my parenting skills again?” Skywalker put his arms on his knees. “You sure he’s really yours?”

    “Yes. And he worships you. I mean the you that you were. It’s complicated.”

    “Oh, boy…” Skywalker did not like to look angry, for it gave him wrinkles. But he had to. “…I hope it’s not what I think it is.”

    “Hello, denizens!” Kylo awkwardly addressed the audience. “Tonight we shall honour one of the greatest peacekeepers of the Galaxy that ever lived! I am going to cook you Darth Vader’s famous quadduck soup! For this occasion, we procured a fresh cock quadduck from Naboo! I am going to use my cooking utensils to decapitate it and defeather it!” He lit up a red-bladed lightsaber.

    Jinn turned his head. “This reminds me of my own death!”

    “Was similar when this one killed me!” Kenobi pointed to Skywalker.

    “No, more like when he killed me!” Windu corrected him. “He just removed the feet.”

    “And then he passed out and…Hux just went below the table with him. Is he going to take his helmet off and give him mouth-to-mouth?” Kenobi put his pinky finger on his chin and pensively scratched his beard.


    The programme was out for about five minutes, giving Han Solo plenty of time to argue with Mace Windu about bang-corn. In Windu’s words, a Jedi did not crave those things. And then, to his surprise, Yoda started snacking on the crunchy treat himself.

    Meanwhile, on the floor of the broadcast room…

    “Are you coming around?” Hux looked at his friend’s eyes, clearly worried. The Knight of Ren was mumbling to himself, his eyes closed.

    “Kylo, don’t forget the SNARK, don’t forget the SNARK…gaaah, I forgot the SNARK!”

    “No, just passed out when you saw a quadduck’s…!”

    “It reminded me of that dianoga incident we agreed never to mention again!” Kylo pushed Hux away and slammed his boot-clad foot against the nearest garbage chute, solely to hear a woman’s synthesized voice mumbling something that would have definitely been censored on the broadcast back at him. “Sorry, Phasma, didn’t know that was your security post! Anyway, I forgot the SNARK!”

    “No idea what you’re talking about, but we need to be back on…now!”

    Kylo managed to get up again, and the broadcast resumed.

    “So, we have our quadduck ready to make soup. The sponsor for this orderlicious meal is the ANGRY MACE™ brand artificial blend of spices for fowl.” The holocam zoomed in on a small plastoid canister with Mace Windu’s picture on it, his mouth wide open and eyes bulging.

    “I…I never gave them the permission to use my battle-face for this!” Master Windu slammed his ghost-fist against the table. “This is against the Jedi Code! Skywalker, do you have anything to do with this?”

    “N-no.” The youthful blond ghost was quick to deny the accusations.

    Kylo continued. “We are going to fry some red nebula onion on bloddle oil and then add cute hunks…I mean, huge chunks of fellen and space-carrots. Meanwhile, my assistant Hux will be filleting our di…duck.”

    If it had been possible to die when one was already dead, Solo would have choked on his bang-corn. “Ha-ha! I knew that taking him on those New Republic pilot parties would pay off someday! It was a long-term investment.”

    “Long-term investment? You should have thought that way back when you needed my credits to save your rear from Jabba the Hutt!” Obi-Wan Kenobi raised his eyebrow.

    “They did not save me, but that’s a long story for some other time, old Ben.” Solo shrugged and smiled.

    “Once our fellen and space-carrots are tender enough, we will add a handful of ground dust corn seeds and about one litre of bouillon from the ANGRY MACE™ Force Chicken cube.”

    “Force chicken…” Solo slapped his hand against his knee. “Do they not know what this meant back in the days on Corellia?”

    “Interested, we are not.” Yoda looked down. Mace Windu, by now furious about this unwanted product placement, demonstratively left the room and called the other Force ghosts to join him in the Garden of Eternal Life. However, Anakin Skywalker decided to continue watching the broadcast with Solo.

    “Now, listen up, pretty boy.” Han Solo crossed his arms. “You don’t like me and I don’t like you and I don’t care who started it first. We have to work together now that our path is clear. Deal?”

    “I never said I didn’t like you, Solo,” Skywalker shrugged. “That carbonite freezing thing was…”

    “Never mind, kid, let’s do it!” The Corellian’s lips twitched.

    “This is for Padmé...after all, the soup recipe was hers, not my…alter ego’s. Or maybe Sabé was the one making it for us. There were the times I couldn’t really tell, with the heavy make-up, bonnets and all...”

    Solo cut him short. “Less talking, more action!”

    Meanwhile, Kylo prepared a neatly tied bunch of herbs.

    “You can also use dry-preserve if you live on a desert or ice world, but for the full flavour of this immaculate soup, we recommend you to dip a bunch of fresh ryoo in the soup and take it out once it’s the time to blend it instead! And now, we’ll dip the backs, the coccyx and the other otherwise hard-to-chew part of the quadduck in the mix!”

    Just then, a face of a blue-eyed, sandy blond man, clearly younger-looking than the Knight of Ren himself, appeared from among the pieces of space-carrot and fellen.

    “Kylo, I am your grandfather!”

    The darksider was quick to react.

    “That’s not true! That’s impossible! My grandfather was a black-clad man with a mask, not a…UniDirection member!”

    “Accept the truth, I have asked my son for forgiveness and he forgave me.”

    Kylo raised his hand above the pot, but no matter how much he manipulated the liquid with the Force, his grandfather’s true face, the face of good, was not going away.

    “Kylo, I am your grandfather!” Skywalker’s Force ghost said again.

    “No, no, noooooooooooo!” The fallen Solo child did his best to channel the one the sandy-blond ghost had left behind. “My grandfather had a cool life-support suit, I even based the design of this crockpot on it!”

    Anakin smiled and changed the Force vision into one of his and Padmé’s first kiss in the Lake Country. Kylo was horrified.

    “You are not my grandfather and this is a nightmare! It cannot be real! I put up a sign NO GIRLS above our rooms at the Knights of Ren HQ. I don’t think Darth Vader ever kissed a girl, girls are yucky and you’re a fake!”

    He pulled his mask down, grabbed his lightsaber and sliced across the vision of his grandfather in the soup. He had to make it go away. He then covered the pot and decided to focus his attention on the fillets.

    “We will use the best parts of the quadduck – the fillets, the thighs and the legs for the roast. I have some bio-topatoes from Vagran handy and we will spread all of this on the transparifoil. Hux, what does this remind you of?”

    “That one time I was grounded and had to sit in the back of the barracks with droids and peel these. But that was when I got the idea for the offensive of…DANCING TOPATOES!!!”

    Armitage Hux stopped mid-sentence. The topatoes appeared to be dancing. He jumped back. It must have had something to do with that Force business, which he wanted nothing to do with.

    Kylo Ren stepped forward. A large topato then jumped up and hit him on the visor of his mask.

    “What’s up with you?” he asked the topato, but the vegetable was not responsive. He shrugged and cut it in two with his lightsaber. Nothing happened. He then removed the mask again, grabbed the transparifoil and pressed it against the pan, then proceeded to arrange pieces of quadduck, topatoes and the remaining slices of space-carrot.

    “We will add a dash of ANGRY MACE™ brand bloddle oil and then put this in the sonic oven.” The Knight of Ren grinned to the audience, a large pan in his hand. The ANGRY MACE™ logo flashed across the screen, covering his face.

    “Now we all just have to wait until our orderlicious meal is done. Propaganda break?”

    Kylo was about to clap his hands and signal the holocam droid to air a bunch of First Order public announcement messages, but then he spotted smoke coming from the oven.

    “H…how could it be? I only put it in less than a minute ago!”

    The cloud of smoke filled the whole studio, prompting the holocam droid to switch to the “technical difficulties” screen again. Kylo’s mask fell over his face, hitting his nose and prompting him to sneeze. Now the visor was foggy on both the inside and the outside. He had to wipe it away with an oven mitt, disgusted by what he was doing.

    And then, a very familiar face emerged from the smoke. The face of one Han Solo.

    “Kylo, I am your father.”

    “Impossible!” The Knight of Ren was still desperately trying to take off his mask, he needed to sneeze again so badly. “I thought I had killed you! M-my Master congratulated me on it!”

    “I know. And I also know that you forgot an important ingredient for your quadduck roast…so I came here to help you, my son. I’m bringing the SNARK back!”

    Kylo just remembered the pack of SNARK that he had left on his corvette, below the Darth Vader shrine. He had hoped that nobody else was going to notice it. But alas, somebody did – the one who had always been among the harshest of his critics.

    “Okay, dad, so are you doing this because I ran away when you set me up with that Klivian cheeka and embarrassed you in front of her dad?”

    “No. I’m just haunting you. Casually.” Solo’s trademark expression in a cloud of smoke was now more vivid than his son had remembered it.

    “Is it because I would always drink your caf from Crystal Moon? “Is it because I listened to My Hyperspace Love-Affair?”

    The Force-ghost was more than entertained.

    “Know what? I am going to tell mom!”

    “She’s not gonna defend you! Remember, kid, we had divorced before I died…”

    “I’m going to tell my Master! Supreme Leader Snoke! The odds are he will…make you die again!”

    “Never tell me the odds!” Solo made a dismissive hand gesture. “Especially when the odds that your roast will work without SNARK are working against you.”

    “Don’t forget the SNARK, don’t forget the SNARK!” Kylo made a couple of steps back. At this point, he could not stop beating himself over his failure. “I forgot the SNARK and this… is not the SNARK I was looking for!”

    He tumbled over the bucket on the floor, fell down and the bucket flew up into the air, landing on his head. The Knight of Ren resumed sneezing almost instantly – the bucket was full of ANGRY MACE™ Fire of Mustafar spice blend. His eyes were filling with tears, smearing his eyeliner. When he finally managed to get rid of the bucket, black tears were falling down his face. He looked at his reflection in the nearest piece of transparisteel and then proceeded to smash the sonic oven, the table with remains of the quadduck and the pots with his lightsaber. He tried to finish it by sending the bird carcass at his father’s Force-ghost, but all he managed to do was start another fire.

    Phasma peeked from her hideout. “You look real stupid.” She proceeded to extinguish the fire.

    “Shut up! Shut up!”

    “I was in charge of your safety, but nobody could have predicted that you would go running around the studio with a bucket on your head because…you forgot one ingredient?”

    “But…my father! And my grandfather! Their ghosts were taunting me.”

    “Yeah, right, and I’m a Twi’lek dancer. We need to get Hux to address the public over this. The First Order has been looking pretty bad ever since we had lost the Starkiller. Your onscreen meltdown won’t help.”

    “Too late.” Hux emerged from underneath the remains of the table. “The Resistance already has it. Wondering who told them about it…”

    Cue: End of Broadcast


    Bang-corn is the popcorn of the GFFA.

    The "First Order Mission" was loosely inspired by the Imperial Mission from the Star Wars: Legacy comics.

    The ANGRY MACE™ brand products previously appeared in this award fic for Raissa Baiard. One of those inside jokes gone too far. AND YES, YOU MUST WRITE IT IN ALL CAPS.

    Snoke on a grilled bantha cheese sandwich is a parody of people finding Jesus in their food.

    Han Solo's comment on Hux's first name is valid - Armitage Shanks makes toilets in UK.

    The apple slug stew that Qui-Gon Jinn mentions makes an appearance in Raissa Baiard's current DDC, Teenage Rebellion.

    The references to "Force chicken" and the like were inspired by reading this bizarre thread on Quora: Does Darth Vader have sex? Some people...smh.

    Red Nebula Onion is a thing. So are the space-carrots.

    Bloddle is a vegetable from Tatooine. If its flavour can enhance flavours of other foods, then I think it's fair to assume than one can make a cooking oil from its seeds or pulp.

    Fellen was made up on spot - like space...fennel.

    Garden of Eternal life was made up on spot, too. So were bio-topatoes (I use bio- for organic in the GFFA) and transparifoil.

    Vagran is a planet in the Corellian Sector, known for its strict laws on ecology.

    UniDirection is a parody of One Direction, used by Mistress_Renata in her story, Re:Gifting - The Antilles Girls Strike Back.

    My Hyperspace Love-Affair is a parody of the RL band, My Chemical Romance. Because Emo Kylo Ren. I did not mean to mock the actual band called Love Affair - respect to them!

    The Crystal Moon Restaurant is now canon, but I envision it as a Starbucks-like chain of cafes. Because Emo Kylo Ren.
  2. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Nov 30, 2005
    That's so funny! I loved the whole idea of SNARK being the missing ingredient! And so much ANGRY MACE. You can never have enough ANGRY MACE.

    You know, I almost feel sorry for Kylo.

  3. Winama Shiraya

    Winama Shiraya Jedi Padawan star 1

    Feb 3, 2017
    My first reactions as demonstrated by smilies:





    I don't even know what to say. Okay how about...THIS IS INSANE!!!!!! I LOVE IT! :D

    The Force ghosts hanging out watching a cooking show (looove the idea of Han flirting with Aayla and Assaj ;)).Plus you get Anakin and Han comparing parenting styles...the angry Mace brand (someone needs to come up with a logo for that!)

    And then, the cooking show itself...ahhhhhh!!!!!!

    I think I'm becoming an Ewok Poet groupie. :p
  4. Briannakin

    Briannakin Former Manager star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Feb 25, 2010
    [face_rofl][face_rofl] That was everything I hoped this dare would be, and more!

    Just the image of Kylo Ren using his lightsaber to pluck a duck is just so strangely easy to imagine!

    And, yeah, Kylo finding out Anakin Skywalker was some pretty boy (how that I think about it, Christensen and Driver have the same hair!) just cracks me up.
  5. A Blind Prophet

    A Blind Prophet Jedi Master star 4

    Mar 25, 2016
    oh, the joys of crack fics... this was great Ewok Poet, i have to say i really enjoyed this. i may end up borrowing some of this stuff, vegetables and so forth, if cooking comes up in anything i'm doing. based on the other things of yours that i've read, you're an amazing world builder.

    excellent response to this dare, and the whole snark thing was awesome. snark being a food is... just hilarious.

    i'd consider highlighting specific lines, but there's just too many good ones and i'd be at this for thirty minutes or so and i just don't have the time. >_< i will say that i loved how kylo used his lightsaber so casually, nice play on his tantrums and being emo. also loved him reacting to anakin and han, and han arguing with the jedi. that's just an awesome setting, and something that i think deserves a bit more exploration. there's definitely some amusing things there. actually... reminds me of another fic i read once upon a time, the armchair jedi and them watching luke and acting like armchair quarterbacks in american football, saying how they could do things better and so forth.

    love this whole thing, great job, and i needed the laughs.
  6. Lady_Misty

    Lady_Misty Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 21, 2007

    Oh boy; some people have too much fun!
  7. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Jul 11, 2014
    Okay. I knew that this was going to be trademark EP humour the moment I read the line about ghost!Han appearing to Leia from the shower drain. I must be 12 dog years old :p

    We need a fanon post on the different elements of the ANGRY MACE™ brand. I'd definitely use it!

    Now to rid my brain of the image of Hux in a pink apron... I'm kind of worried it's branded there forever.
  8. Raissa Baiard

    Raissa Baiard FFoF Artist Extraordinaire star 4 VIP - Game Host

    Nov 22, 1999
    Kylo may have forgotten to bring the SNARK, but you certainly didn't [face_rofl]

    So much funny stuff going on here--where do I begin? Love the idea of all the blue Force ghosts hanging out in the afterlife, and Han, that scruffy nerf-herder, crashing the gathering of the masters. The fact that he and Qui-Gon seem to get along well is perhaps not surprising. But, hey, who doesn't love bang-corn? Even Yoda enjoys it! Also a nice touch that even in the afterlife, Tv transmissions are unreliable and equipment needs percussive maintenance.

    Angry Mace is angry, yo! Not only is this against the Jedi Code, it's a copyright violation (or is it trademark? I never can remember.) He will make soup of their soup! It is, however, nice to see the ANGRY MACE brand has expanded over the years. ;)

    Kylo's dismay at finally meeting his idol is priceless! OH NOES, his grandfather isn't a cool, edgy Sith Lord in kick-butt armor! He's blonde and looks like a pop-star! And worst of all HE KISSES GIRLS!1!
    And just when Kylo thinks things couldn't get any worse---heeeeeere's Daddy! Does Han ever bring the SNARK back :D

    Favorite line:
    Yeah, I can't actually blame you on this one, Kylo. If her dad is who I think he is and she's anything like were probably wise to run.

    Another brilliantly snarky crack!fic that makes my inner twelve year-old giggle insanely. 'Fresher humor, I approve of! And I will join you in saying PLEASEPLEASEDISNEYMAKETHISREAL!
  9. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Force Ghost star 5

    Dec 21, 2016
    OMG! You slay me! You slay me! [face_rofl]
    AzureAngel2, Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  10. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    I think you did very well getting the voices for the characters watching the show, and you found a good way to get the Force Ghosts together.

    Nice hearts and minds idea for the First Order to do a cookery show.

    Some fun bits: Hux jumping back from dancing vegetables; Mace' indignation over the brand infringement; what happened when Han visited Leia; but I failed to discern any payoff to getting people to say "bang-corn time".
  11. Mistress_Renata

    Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 9, 2000
    Oh, Lord, I think I hurt myself. So much good going on here. Snarky Han ghost pestering the Jedi ghosts; everyone snarking on Anakin for killing them. Kylo Ren having a hissy fit meltdown. Hux has a cooking show (of course he does!). Anakin shows up in the soup. Mace is upset over unauthorized use of his likeness.

    So, so much good stuff going on here! A nice interpretation of a fun dare. And now I sort of want more snarky Jedi ghost stories... :D
  12. RX_Sith

    RX_Sith Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Mar 13, 2006
    Very funny and very SNARK-Y! Lots of hilarity from the different Force Ghosts especially Han reminding Kylo that he didn't include the SNARK, but at least there was plenty of ANGRY MACE products.
  13. Kurisan

    Kurisan Jedi Master star 4

    Apr 26, 2016
    OK, hahaha, I like a bit of unnecessary silliness sometimes. This was actually very well written though - comedy is hard - timing etc. You have talents in many areas, young Poet.

    One line near the start had me head-scratching... "Skywalker put his arms on his fists" - I couldn't quite visualise that?

    Nicely done, as usual. :cool:
  14. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Chosen One star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    I seldom read crack fics, but your cast of characters made me currious. And, after having a rough day behind my back and having an even tougher one ahead tomorrow, I just started reading. And I laughed a lot. Thank you. Now I ask myself if I need a SNARK for our kitchen. But then again, only DarthUncle cooks these days.
    Findswoman and Ewok Poet like this.
  15. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Feb 27, 2014
    Pure crackfic gold, as only to be expected from one of the genre's most virtuosic practitioners! :D Wow, you really took this dare up to eleven: I could totally imagine a cheery get-together between Han-as-Force-ghost and the Saga-Jedi-Bigwigs-as-Force-ghosts going just like this, with Jedi ethics rubbing up against Scoundrel ethics in wacky ways even beyond the grave. Love that the SNARK (and more on that in a minute!) is not only limited to Mr. ScoundrelPants—pretty much all the Jedi get a chance to join in the repartee, and of course the voice of reason and propriety, Yoda is. :p

    And you get an extra squee from Foodie!Finds for centering everything around a cooking show! :D I can only echo what the others have said about the clever way you've handled the "don't forget the snark" requirement of the dare. Of course, the story is full to bursting with the regular kind of snark, all done fantastically, but the way you transformed it into That Crucial Missing Ingredient (in a packet, no less!) was just genius. And even if Ghost!Mace himself isn't thrilled about it, I am absolutely beyond thrilled that the ANGRY MACE™ product line includes spice mixes, cooking oils, and bouillon cubes as well as the iconic artificial milk product. I would love some of that Fire of Mustafar blend to sprinkle on my fried topatoes! :D

    (Now, I just noticed that between the Force Chicken bouillon cubes, the cock quadduck, and Kylo's bout of unconsciousness at the sight of a quadduck's..., you
    wordplays involving poultry, men's parts, or a combination of the two. But certainly you noticed that too. :p And also, how cool that both of our dare stories involve poultry recipes! Now we have to try each other's out...)

    So many hilarious moments, from appearances of ghosts in crazy places to the percussive maintenance ( :D ) to the malfunction screens to Mace's outrage about the use of his likeness—WTK, YO—to Anakin's admission of confusion about the true origin of his recipe—was it made by Padmé or Sabé? ("There were the times I couldn’t really tell, with the heavy make-up, bonnets and all...” [face_laugh] ) I could, of course, quote sidesplitting lines from this till the shaaks come home. But I too absolutely adored that fantastic moment when Kylo LEARNS THE TRUTH about his grandfather: he was a blond hearthrob of a Jedi (love the UniDirection reference) who KISSED!1! A GIRL!!11! SHOCKING AND TRAUMATIZING!1!1! Love it. And never did any child deserve to be more thoroughly Publicly Embarrassed by his forebears than Mr. K. Ren. :D

    This was a tour de force—great job, and thanks so much for the much-needed and copious laffs. :)
  16. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Okay, the first batch of comments coming up. To this day, I'm not sure how this absolute and total nonsense got fourteen replies, especially given that it was not one of the better responses, but I am glad that you all had fun reading it. :D I was laughing at the plucking scene myself, so well, I also managed to get a kick out of it, but it still utter nonsense.

    Now you TOTALLY get how one should be WRITING. Yes. My WORK here is DONE.

    And YES to the BOLDED part!1111111111!!!1!!!



    :eek: :eek:

    :eek: :eek: :eek:

    OK, I'm 2.

    There is a picture, but not a logotype...look over there:

    This is certainly the first time that a person accused of being a groupie has a groupie. WE HAVE FORMED A GROUPIE CHAIN.

    I mean, that made me blush for real. Thank you. [face_blush][face_blush][face_blush]

    So, I wrote it from your mind? KEWLIEZ BEANZ!!!!!11!1!

    He did stranger things with that lightsaber. OK, not really, but it's a handy tool for opening cans, so why not this, too. PRECISION is what matters. Duck! Sai-cha!

    In the words of that Findswoman version of Kylo: "AAAAAAH, YOU WERE A RASSAFRACKIN' PRETTY BOY. YOU ARE NOT DARTH VADER. THAT'S NOT TRUE!"


    It's as rare as saffron is in our world, likely as expensive. That's how I imagine it.


    Those quarterbacks are like just about any dad or gramps on Balkans, because Balkans. Ask Chyntuck for confirmation - they would drive a Formula 1 car better, they would run a country better and so on.

    Me or Kylo? Or...Hux? He sure had LOTS of fun here, so did Phasma. :eek:

    84 is the number of the bus I have to take today. Are you a bus? *raises eyebrow*

    It's the ACME of the GFFA. Anything can be ANGRY MACE™ and some poor Coodru-Ji cub is wasting enormous amounts of time with it. SIX LIMB ANGRY MACE™ SWEATERS FOR CANINES, ANYONE?

    Here's some Rod Stewart calling himself sexy, to make up for it. :eek:

    *flaps arms in a theatrical manner and jumps on the nearest fence*

    Of course, a pack of it is r-right here. I said a pack, sonny! Cute boy, but he's as bright as an ANGRY MACE™ instant pomato soup!

    Kylo fills your heart?

    They're blue, but they're certainly not feeling blue. :)

    The bolded part just made me snort Pepsi Max. Not that I am not injecting it intravenously and so on. :eek: BUT WHYFORE DID YOU MAKE ME SNORT COLD, COLD PEPSI MAX? :eek:

    Justin Timberlake should make a song out of that. Actually, Weird Al should, and parody Justin Timberlake. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

    But seriously, how does Vader kiss a girl? We want to know. :eek: Kylo doesn't, but who cares about him?

    I put that there just for you. Not sure if Mistress_Renata agrees, but she should DEAL WITH IT. In my headcanon, Hobbie rivals my OC Antonio Nookarbe in the art of "approaching anything with a double X chromosome".


    A real twelve-year-old or a dog twelve-year-old? :eek:
  17. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014

    Sure, I'm Buffy.


    I'm glad that the dare response made you laugh, I had great fun responding to it, so thanks for proposing it. :D

    Hearts and minds? Not 100% sure about this idiom, is it something indoctrination-related?

    Bork, bork, bork! ;)

    Perhaps it was PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Just think of the possibilities. Who cares that they're ghosts?

    No, seriously, it came from what happens on many other forums - people post this image of the late Michael Jackson eating popcorn when they sense internet drama coming up. It's kind of unfair, but hey, Kylo has a long road to redemption, if he ever gets it.

    I hurt myself when reading yours - and that doesn't mean what it meant 100 years ago, because I certainly don't have a thing for the Emperor in a dentist's chair. Sadly, some people probably do, with Rule 34 and all. :eek: :eek: :eek:

    And yes, Anakin shows up in a SOUP, because IT MAKES SENSE.

    Poor Mace will have to fill a lawsuit. "Hello, I'm the dead Mace Windu." - he says to the secretary in the lawyer's office. The secretary then screams her lungs out. Lucky that she's a droid, so she cannot exactly faint.

    I always knew you were a loyal fan of the brand. :D

    Yup, young, I was only 33 when I wrote this. :( Now I'm 34 and oooooooooooooooooold.

    And unnecessary silliness is a great description of this.

    I fixed that, it was HIPS. But he would have been able to do that as Vader, most likely. Remove arms, remove fists and arrange them with his legs.

    Okay, that was dead scary. But what's seen cannot be unseen.

    Crack!fics are great fun, but there aren't many of them, sadly.


    It was not specified if the others should be snarky, so I went for it. :D


    ...not. :p

    It's funny how we both ended up doing that. :D

    I can only echo what the others have said about the clever way you've handled the "don't forget the snark" requirement of the dare.

    I can only echo what the others have said about the clever way you've handled the "don't forget the snark" requirement of the dare.

    I can only echo what the others have said about the clever way you've handled the "don't forget the snark" requirement of the dare.

    ;) :eek:

    It's like the Fifth Element, but without Mila (whyfore would I include a woman who was with Signore!Famous in my story?) and without, well, the other four elements. :eek:

    It's a strong thing, so watch out for your rectum.

    YES, I got a chance to say "rectum" in this response.

    And as I told Chyntuck ... that brand is like - YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH IT.

    I lied, I totally didn't say that to her, but I'm saying it to you now.

    Poultry is my name. Ewok Poultry. :eek:

    Okay, that was scary, too.

    And be glad that Kylo didn't see a turtle's pizzle...those things are the scariest in the world. I saw one and I screamed. O_O But ducks come close, yup.

    The Force chicken thing from Quora cannot be unseen, either. The girl that came up with it sure had some weird ideas for what probably is a carbon rod on somebody like Vader. o_O

    One has to wonder if he ever made a mistake. Mace would have judged him, if so. :eek: :eek: :eek:

    Seriously, HOW did they handle this? It's kind of scary.

    UniDirection have this song titled "What Makes You an Angel from the Moons of Iego". Anakin would have LOVED IT. But KYLO SEES THAT AS BETRAYAL!!1!1!!!!11!!

    Mistress_Renata - since the band was your invention, feel free to use the above.

    It's one of 10 000 steps towards redemption. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. ;)

    Have you ever thought of Force-powered bicycles? I dream of them.

    * This reply contains an affectionate parody of another story somewhere - no harm was intended, it's a good story!
    AzureAngel2 and Findswoman like this.
  18. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    Ewok Poet - when Western forces invade somewhere, and they want to do something positive to endear themselves to the local population, such as to build a school; that is known as a "Hearts and Mind Operation".
    AzureAngel2 and Ewok Poet like this.
  19. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Oh, so that is what we did not have here 18 years ago. Thanks, learned something new. :)

    Послато са SM-J510FN уз помоћ Тапатока
    AzureAngel2 likes this.
  20. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Chosen One star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    Ewok Poet: I told my husband. He looked bewildered.
    DarthUncle and Ewok Poet like this.
  21. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Of course, EVERYBODY is afraid of potential MACE-ATTACK. :eek:
  22. Mistress_Renata

    Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 9, 2000
    LOL, in my headcanon, Janson is that guy! ;) I figure poor Hobbie is stuck in a bacta tank, although he's probably good at chatting up the nurses...
    Findswoman and Ewok Poet like this.
  23. Ridley Solo

    Ridley Solo Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Aug 27, 2010
    [face_laugh] Oh, my gosh...ow...ow! I hurt from laughing too hard! [face_laugh]

    The idea of Force ghosts haunting Kylo is funny enough...but the idea of doing it during a cooking show is funny!
    Bang-corn that only Yoda wants to eat...Phasma hiding in the trash can (did I read that right?)...Hux in a pink frilly apron...[face_laugh]

    The real gem, though, was the dancing veggies...and your follow-up to a comment.

    [face_rofl][face_rofl][face_rofl][face_rofl]I'm dying!!!!!!! [face_rofl][face_rofl][face_rofl][face_rofl]
    Findswoman and Ewok Poet like this.
  24. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Our brains function the same way - I mean, trolling ghosts. Glad that you enjoyed mine as much as I enjoyed yours. :D

    Yes, you read it right. :D

    I love to respond to comments like that. :p Or, when it comes to even weirder fics, on behalf of the characters. There was this one time where I responded to folks as a teenage girl obsessed with an unexpected canon character and offended everybody on purpose. I guess it's all happening because of that one time they dropped me when I was a baby. :eek:

    *quotes Smooth Criminal, tries to do a moonwalk and falls* WHAT? :eek: HALP.
    Ridley Solo and Findswoman like this.
  25. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    So...somebody was crazy enough to nominate this story at the 2018 Awards and I'm worried for their health. Not that I'm not worried about my own after I re-read this. Like...WUT?!

    Summary, for anybody who skipped this atrocity (which was a smart thing to do!):

    - Kylo plucks a duck with a lightsaber, then faints at the traumatising sight of duck genitalia
    - Yoda is a huge moralist who hates fresher jokes, but can't resist the GFFA popcorn
    - Han's ghost scares Leia in the bathroom
    - Hux wears a pink apron
    - Anakin appears in soup
    - The recipe for the soup actually works - and yeah, I have it., it starts with Gunter Glieben Glauten Globen!

    So, yeah, this story was nominated in TWO categories.
    - Best Response to a Challenge
    - Best Humor

    And despite the fact of how much I'm worried about the state of the world and the Universe now, I would like to thank you. This story didn't do well at the Dare Challenge one year ago and I honestly didn't expect this. Thanks. =D=[face_party][face_love]

    P.S. There's a sequel, written as five drabbles. If you still have issues desire to read it, look here.
    Findswoman likes this.