Title: Kylo vs. the Ghosts of SNARK! Author: Ewok Poet Genre: Humour Characters: Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux, Captain Phasma and the Force ghosts of Han Solo, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn and Mace Windu Timeframe: Between Episodes VII and VIII. Say, 35 ABY Canonicity: HELLODISNEYPLEASEMAKEITREALPSIHATEMUSHUTHEDRAGON Rating: NOBODY over the age of 12 should be reading this. Seriously, it's silly. 12 dog years, that is. Length: 2500 words Summary: On the big night of his small screen debut, Kylo Ren is haunted by his father and his grandfather's Force Ghosts. This is my response to the Mods' Dare Challenge. The requirements I got and who gave them to me (baby, a-ha, a-ha!) are in the spoiler below. Many thanks to Findswoman for her beta-read and Raissa Baiard for feedback on earlier drafts. Spoiler Cowgirl Jedi 1701 dares someone... ...to write a story about Han Solo as a grumpy Force Ghost, interacting with Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin. Bonus nerd cred if you include Mace Windu and Qui-Gon Jinn. More bonus nerd cred if Han and Anakin haunt Kylo Ren. Don't forget the snark. WARNING: [hl='black']No real ducks were harmed in the making of this story, but if you're vegetarian or vegan, you might find some of it uncomfortable.[/hl] So...Gunter Glieben Glauten Globen! “On, it is.” Grand Master Yoda’s Force ghost announced. “Watch it, of course we will!” The fellow Force ghosts of Anakin Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu immediately dropped whatever they had been doing and turned to him. “Sweet vengeance.” A somewhat unruly ghost ran to them from the Netherworld of the Force’s lounge area, where he had been chatting up the likes of Aayla Secura and Asajj Ventress for a bit of meaningless flirting, something often frowned upon by Skywalker and Kenobi. But – but…he was starting to feel lonely. The last time he attempted to visit his widow, she screamed and fell in her bathroom. She didn’t like his appearing from the drain, no, she didn’t. “Vengeance is not the way of a Jedi, Solo.” A pair of dark eyes came to judge him. “I’m not a Jedi, Master Windu. Never was, never will be. Say…bang-corn time?” The Corellian smuggler pointed to the ghostly sonic broiler, giving the former Hero of the Galactic Republic his characteristic lopsided grin. Windu crossed his arms. Jinn shrugged, flipped his long hair back and said, “Why not? Bang corn time! But…where is the broadcast?” “Work, the transmission does not.” Kenobi delivered a Force kick to the viewscreen, immediately cheering up a concerned Yoda. The show was about to begin. First screen: title COOKING WITH THE FIRST ORDER Second screen: Supreme Leader Snoke’s face is seen on a grilled bantha cheese sandwich A ginger-haired man in his thirties appeared onscreen, wearing a pink apron with a cupcake pattern over his military suit. He was accompanied by a figure in jet black. “My name is Armitage Hux and this HoloNet programme was approved by the First Order Mission.” “Armitage…sounds like a ’fresher factory in the Corporate Sector somewhere!” Han Solo bit his lip and nudged the diminutive green Grand Master. Yoda was not impressed. “Quiet, Han Solo should be. ’Fresher jokes, I frown upon.” “Our goal: to feed the population of the First Order-aligned star systems and make it creative! Each week, one of our most respected figures will share the secret of our success, through the kind of meals you WILL want to eat. For our first edition, I am proud to present to you…Kylo Ren!” “Is that what he is going to cook for us? Sounds like a kind of an apple slug stew…I’d try everything once, but not twice. Not twice.” Qui-Gon Jinn was disgusted. “No, that’s my son.” Solo shook his head. The lopsided grin morphed into a frown. “What did you say about my parenting skills again?” Skywalker put his arms on his knees. “You sure he’s really yours?” “Yes. And he worships you. I mean the you that you were. It’s complicated.” “Oh, boy…” Skywalker did not like to look angry, for it gave him wrinkles. But he had to. “…I hope it’s not what I think it is.” “Hello, denizens!” Kylo awkwardly addressed the audience. “Tonight we shall honour one of the greatest peacekeepers of the Galaxy that ever lived! I am going to cook you Darth Vader’s famous quadduck soup! For this occasion, we procured a fresh cock quadduck from Naboo! I am going to use my cooking utensils to decapitate it and defeather it!” He lit up a red-bladed lightsaber. Jinn turned his head. “This reminds me of my own death!” “Was similar when this one killed me!” Kenobi pointed to Skywalker. “No, more like when he killed me!” Windu corrected him. “He just removed the feet.” “And then he passed out and…Hux just went below the table with him. Is he going to take his helmet off and give him mouth-to-mouth?” Kenobi put his pinky finger on his chin and pensively scratched his beard. SCREEN: A picture of an exploding forest world with the caption WE ARE EXPERIENCING A BROADCASTING MALFUNCTION. PLEASE STAND BY. LONG LIVE THE FIRST ORDER! The programme was out for about five minutes, giving Han Solo plenty of time to argue with Mace Windu about bang-corn. In Windu’s words, a Jedi did not crave those things. And then, to his surprise, Yoda started snacking on the crunchy treat himself. Meanwhile, on the floor of the broadcast room… “Are you coming around?” Hux looked at his friend’s eyes, clearly worried. The Knight of Ren was mumbling to himself, his eyes closed. “Kylo, don’t forget the SNARK, don’t forget the SNARK…gaaah, I forgot the SNARK!” “No, just passed out when you saw a quadduck’s…!” “It reminded me of that dianoga incident we agreed never to mention again!” Kylo pushed Hux away and slammed his boot-clad foot against the nearest garbage chute, solely to hear a woman’s synthesized voice mumbling something that would have definitely been censored on the broadcast back at him. “Sorry, Phasma, didn’t know that was your security post! Anyway, I forgot the SNARK!” “No idea what you’re talking about, but we need to be back on…now!” Kylo managed to get up again, and the broadcast resumed. “So, we have our quadduck ready to make soup. The sponsor for this orderlicious meal is the ANGRY MACE™ brand artificial blend of spices for fowl.” The holocam zoomed in on a small plastoid canister with Mace Windu’s picture on it, his mouth wide open and eyes bulging. “I…I never gave them the permission to use my battle-face for this!” Master Windu slammed his ghost-fist against the table. “This is against the Jedi Code! Skywalker, do you have anything to do with this?” “N-no.” The youthful blond ghost was quick to deny the accusations. Kylo continued. “We are going to fry some red nebula onion on bloddle oil and then add cute hunks…I mean, huge chunks of fellen and space-carrots. Meanwhile, my assistant Hux will be filleting our di…duck.” If it had been possible to die when one was already dead, Solo would have choked on his bang-corn. “Ha-ha! I knew that taking him on those New Republic pilot parties would pay off someday! It was a long-term investment.” “Long-term investment? You should have thought that way back when you needed my credits to save your rear from Jabba the Hutt!” Obi-Wan Kenobi raised his eyebrow. “They did not save me, but that’s a long story for some other time, old Ben.” Solo shrugged and smiled. “Once our fellen and space-carrots are tender enough, we will add a handful of ground dust corn seeds and about one litre of bouillon from the ANGRY MACE™ Force Chicken cube.” “Force chicken…” Solo slapped his hand against his knee. “Do they not know what this meant back in the days on Corellia?” “Interested, we are not.” Yoda looked down. Mace Windu, by now furious about this unwanted product placement, demonstratively left the room and called the other Force ghosts to join him in the Garden of Eternal Life. However, Anakin Skywalker decided to continue watching the broadcast with Solo. “Now, listen up, pretty boy.” Han Solo crossed his arms. “You don’t like me and I don’t like you and I don’t care who started it first. We have to work together now that our path is clear. Deal?” “I never said I didn’t like you, Solo,” Skywalker shrugged. “That carbonite freezing thing was…” “Never mind, kid, let’s do it!” The Corellian’s lips twitched. “This is for Padmé...after all, the soup recipe was hers, not my…alter ego’s. Or maybe Sabé was the one making it for us. There were the times I couldn’t really tell, with the heavy make-up, bonnets and all...” Solo cut him short. “Less talking, more action!” Meanwhile, Kylo prepared a neatly tied bunch of herbs. “You can also use dry-preserve if you live on a desert or ice world, but for the full flavour of this immaculate soup, we recommend you to dip a bunch of fresh ryoo in the soup and take it out once it’s the time to blend it instead! And now, we’ll dip the backs, the coccyx and the other otherwise hard-to-chew part of the quadduck in the mix!” Just then, a face of a blue-eyed, sandy blond man, clearly younger-looking than the Knight of Ren himself, appeared from among the pieces of space-carrot and fellen. “Kylo, I am your grandfather!” The darksider was quick to react. “That’s not true! That’s impossible! My grandfather was a black-clad man with a mask, not a…UniDirection member!” “Accept the truth, I have asked my son for forgiveness and he forgave me.” Kylo raised his hand above the pot, but no matter how much he manipulated the liquid with the Force, his grandfather’s true face, the face of good, was not going away. “Kylo, I am your grandfather!” Skywalker’s Force ghost said again. “No, no, noooooooooooo!” The fallen Solo child did his best to channel the one the sandy-blond ghost had left behind. “My grandfather had a cool life-support suit, I even based the design of this crockpot on it!” Anakin smiled and changed the Force vision into one of his and Padmé’s first kiss in the Lake Country. Kylo was horrified. “You are not my grandfather and this is a nightmare! It cannot be real! I put up a sign NO GIRLS above our rooms at the Knights of Ren HQ. I don’t think Darth Vader ever kissed a girl, girls are yucky and you’re a fake!” He pulled his mask down, grabbed his lightsaber and sliced across the vision of his grandfather in the soup. He had to make it go away. He then covered the pot and decided to focus his attention on the fillets. “We will use the best parts of the quadduck – the fillets, the thighs and the legs for the roast. I have some bio-topatoes from Vagran handy and we will spread all of this on the transparifoil. Hux, what does this remind you of?” “That one time I was grounded and had to sit in the back of the barracks with droids and peel these. But that was when I got the idea for the offensive of…DANCING TOPATOES!!!” Armitage Hux stopped mid-sentence. The topatoes appeared to be dancing. He jumped back. It must have had something to do with that Force business, which he wanted nothing to do with. Kylo Ren stepped forward. A large topato then jumped up and hit him on the visor of his mask. “What’s up with you?” he asked the topato, but the vegetable was not responsive. He shrugged and cut it in two with his lightsaber. Nothing happened. He then removed the mask again, grabbed the transparifoil and pressed it against the pan, then proceeded to arrange pieces of quadduck, topatoes and the remaining slices of space-carrot. “We will add a dash of ANGRY MACE™ brand bloddle oil and then put this in the sonic oven.” The Knight of Ren grinned to the audience, a large pan in his hand. The ANGRY MACE™ logo flashed across the screen, covering his face. “Now we all just have to wait until our orderlicious meal is done. Propaganda break?” Kylo was about to clap his hands and signal the holocam droid to air a bunch of First Order public announcement messages, but then he spotted smoke coming from the oven. “H…how could it be? I only put it in less than a minute ago!” The cloud of smoke filled the whole studio, prompting the holocam droid to switch to the “technical difficulties” screen again. Kylo’s mask fell over his face, hitting his nose and prompting him to sneeze. Now the visor was foggy on both the inside and the outside. He had to wipe it away with an oven mitt, disgusted by what he was doing. And then, a very familiar face emerged from the smoke. The face of one Han Solo. “Kylo, I am your father.” “Impossible!” The Knight of Ren was still desperately trying to take off his mask, he needed to sneeze again so badly. “I thought I had killed you! M-my Master congratulated me on it!” “I know. And I also know that you forgot an important ingredient for your quadduck roast…so I came here to help you, my son. I’m bringing the SNARK back!” Kylo just remembered the pack of SNARK that he had left on his corvette, below the Darth Vader shrine. He had hoped that nobody else was going to notice it. But alas, somebody did – the one who had always been among the harshest of his critics. “Okay, dad, so are you doing this because I ran away when you set me up with that Klivian cheeka and embarrassed you in front of her dad?” “No. I’m just haunting you. Casually.” Solo’s trademark expression in a cloud of smoke was now more vivid than his son had remembered it. “Is it because I would always drink your caf from Crystal Moon? “Is it because I listened to My Hyperspace Love-Affair?” The Force-ghost was more than entertained. “Know what? I am going to tell mom!” “She’s not gonna defend you! Remember, kid, we had divorced before I died…” “I’m going to tell my Master! Supreme Leader Snoke! The odds are he will…make you die again!” “Never tell me the odds!” Solo made a dismissive hand gesture. “Especially when the odds that your roast will work without SNARK are working against you.” “Don’t forget the SNARK, don’t forget the SNARK!” Kylo made a couple of steps back. At this point, he could not stop beating himself over his failure. “I forgot the SNARK and this… is not the SNARK I was looking for!” He tumbled over the bucket on the floor, fell down and the bucket flew up into the air, landing on his head. The Knight of Ren resumed sneezing almost instantly – the bucket was full of ANGRY MACE™ Fire of Mustafar spice blend. His eyes were filling with tears, smearing his eyeliner. When he finally managed to get rid of the bucket, black tears were falling down his face. He looked at his reflection in the nearest piece of transparisteel and then proceeded to smash the sonic oven, the table with remains of the quadduck and the pots with his lightsaber. He tried to finish it by sending the bird carcass at his father’s Force-ghost, but all he managed to do was start another fire. Phasma peeked from her hideout. “You look real stupid.” She proceeded to extinguish the fire. “Shut up! Shut up!” “I was in charge of your safety, but nobody could have predicted that you would go running around the studio with a bucket on your head because…you forgot one ingredient?” “But…my father! And my grandfather! Their ghosts were taunting me.” “Yeah, right, and I’m a Twi’lek dancer. We need to get Hux to address the public over this. The First Order has been looking pretty bad ever since we had lost the Starkiller. Your onscreen meltdown won’t help.” “Too late.” Hux emerged from underneath the remains of the table. “The Resistance already has it. Wondering who told them about it…” Cue: End of Broadcast Footnotes Spoiler Bang-corn is the popcorn of the GFFA. The "First Order Mission" was loosely inspired by the Imperial Mission from the Star Wars: Legacy comics. The ANGRY MACE™ brand products previously appeared in this award fic for Raissa Baiard. One of those inside jokes gone too far. AND YES, YOU MUST WRITE IT IN ALL CAPS. Snoke on a grilled bantha cheese sandwich is a parody of people finding Jesus in their food. Han Solo's comment on Hux's first name is valid - Armitage Shanks makes toilets in UK. The apple slug stew that Qui-Gon Jinn mentions makes an appearance in Raissa Baiard's current DDC, Teenage Rebellion. The references to "Force chicken" and the like were inspired by reading this bizarre thread on Quora: Does Darth Vader have sex? Some people...smh. Red Nebula Onion is a thing. So are the space-carrots. Bloddle is a vegetable from Tatooine. If its flavour can enhance flavours of other foods, then I think it's fair to assume than one can make a cooking oil from its seeds or pulp. Fellen was made up on spot - like space...fennel. Garden of Eternal life was made up on spot, too. So were bio-topatoes (I use bio- for organic in the GFFA) and transparifoil. Vagran is a planet in the Corellian Sector, known for its strict laws on ecology. UniDirection is a parody of One Direction, used by Mistress_Renata in her story, Re:Gifting - The Antilles Girls Strike Back. My Hyperspace Love-Affair is a parody of the RL band, My Chemical Romance. Because Emo Kylo Ren. I did not mean to mock the actual band called Love Affair - respect to them! The Crystal Moon Restaurant is now canon, but I envision it as a Starbucks-like chain of cafes. Because Emo Kylo Ren.