Saga - OT [DDC 2018 2/2] I BLURT FOR MY PROUD IMPERIAL FANS, BROUGHT TO YOU BY SPIN (Half-OC | Imperial Era)

Title: I BLURT FOR MY PROUD IMPERIAL FANS, BROUGHT TO YOU BY SPIN
Author: Ewok Poet
Genre: Humour, absolute nonsense, historical revisionism
Characters: The ANGRY MACE™ mascot
Timeframe: From around Yavin to around Endor
Rating: G
Length: Twelve entries, I get it? Maybe more, since I plan for the first couple to be short, in order to catch up.
Summary: Spin, the Corporate Sector-based conglomerate, decided to further spread Imperial propaganda and get more credits while at it. For this purpose, they picked the mascot of their most successful product line: ANGRY MACE™.

A/N: If you have not heard of this anomaly of a character and an inside joke on this board, you're new, so...jump in? The character of ANGRY MACE™ was created in July 2016, by yours truly and @Raissa Baiard, a great writer and great friend. We read a story elsewhere where Mace Windu could not suistain his anger and acted 3294556% out of character and that's how it happened.

And after that...there came the following:
Raissa Baiard Loses Them All! Juicy Blabber Exclusive by Yilda Lami
Kylo vs. the Ghosts of Snark!
This set of drabbles
This award skit in 2017
Get It While it's Hoth!
This award skit in 2018
A good deal of this fanon post

So, now you get an idea of what this is about and, if you're sane, you should get the heck out of here. I mean it. If not...well, I GIVE YOU A KRIFFIN' WELCOME TO THE ONLY RIGHT MACE THAT EVER EXISTED.

For the sake of keeping things easier to read - Mace won't be writing in ALL CAPS, like he normally does. But the title remains that way.

 

MEDITATION ON THE REBEL OBLITERATION OF ALDERAAN

This was a kriffin' horrible day, young Imperials!

The so-called Alliance to Restore Republic, more commonly known as Rebels among brainwashed individuals and spawns of the Jedi who support them, destroyed the peaceful Core Worlds planet of Alderaan! The maternal-unit kriffin' terrorists! Trandoshians on a Star Destroyer...that is what they remind me of. So many beautiful works of glorious artists of the Empire had been stored there!

In order to get over this horrible tragedy, I recommend you our ANGRY MACE™ nerf-grade tranquilizers. When there is a dark cloud above you, it's the Rebels plotting a new terrorist attack and your only chance to chase them away from your Empire-aligned mind is to use our product. It's available as an over-the-hovercounter medicine in most star systems, the only exception being Bothan and Hutt spaces.

Come back next week to read more about my adventures in this Holonet-blurt, for I am going to avenge the six million lost souls of Alderaan and retrieve their belongings from the asteroid field!

A note from the Imperial Ministry of Health: ANGRY MACE™ nerf-grade tranquilizers are not for everyone. They might paralyse your jaw and leave you drooling for up to one day. Side-effects such as sudden death caused by enormous hair growth have been reported in some reptilian species. It should not be mixed with spices or heavy alcoholic drinks (e.g. anything produced by the Mandalorians). Please, talk to your medic before you take it.

 

Dang, I am not sane and could not stay away. Sigh. Is my jaw now paralysed?

 

and and

FUN post and daunting side effects for the over the counter tranquilizers.

 

So funny! I love the disclaimer at the end. Reminds me of those silly disclaimers on TV. ("If you or a loved one died from this product" or "Don't try our product if you are allergic to it." How can a dead person follow up on the product that caused their death? How do you know you're allergic to it if you've never tried it? And the visual image of Wookiee-grade hair popping out all over a Rodian is hysterical.)

But in a sneaky way, this is subversive (as all good satire is). Look how easily the destruction of Alderaan has been twisted to make the IMPERIALS the victims. Those nasty rebels forced us to blow up the planet! And we had been exploiting the planet for ourselves! We lost all that artwork! You see this so often in real life, where people are quick to blame the victims for the actions of an aggressor. What was she doing in a place like that after all? Why didn't he just surrender to the cop? If you hadn't made me so angry by talking to that person then I wouldn't have had to hit you.

Plus the viciously clever stab you're making at how to handle anxiety and stress -- of course, a "nerf-grade tranquilizer." Don't actually solve the problem (Imperial aggression), just drug yourself into a stupor so it doesn't bother you to see it.

This is going to be a very interesting diary!

 

Love the disclaimer.

 

ANGRY MACE™ is back! Methinks that fanon post is gonna need to be updated.

 

Since I have to crunch the next, much shorter entry in order to be eligible..I will respond later. And I totes don't have 20+ stories where I owe comment responses and I am totes not an absolute moron.

 

ANOTHER HUGE TRAGEDY IN THE OUTER RIM

I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS ANGRY EVER SINCE I HAVE RESURFACED AND DECIDED TO SCARE ALL THE IMPERIAL YOUNGLINGS WHO WON’T TAKE THEIR DAILY SPRINKLES. The Rebels have done something again and they are still willing to destroy the order, discipline and the New Order that we have been struggling to bring you for the past twenty standard years, ever since 00 AE.

Roughly one million of Imperial citizens have perished in a large tragedy in the Gordian Reach. It’s a Sector and you should have been aware of it before. The Rebels are to blame once again and we promise that TEN TIMES AS MANY of them WILL be eradicated in return.

I was just kriffin’ joking, my young Imperials…to make some light out of this tragedy, because it has always been the way of ANGRY MACE. There is no such thing as ten million Rebels in the Galaxy. But there is such a thing as trillions of us.

In this situation, I would suggest everybody to motivate themselves for our next attack and the final extermination of the disobedient ones with our very first product in the line, created back in 1 AE when I was brought from the dead and reformed to be evil to those who deserve it and not undermine the Empire. The ANGRY MACE™ Cream of Vengeance soup. Contains 50% genuine mushroom product from Scipio, reprocessed on Muunilinst and enriched with vitamin Vev, for absolute vengeance. Be more aggressive. The remaining 60% are our corporate secret, so nobody would dare to imitate our project. There was a HAPPY BANTHA™ knock-off a couple of years ago, but we got rid of their treacherous factories in an unknown location – unknown even to me, because I don’t have organic hands and my powers have been tamed to the level where I am nothing but a good influence to you, instead of an evil Jedi that I used to be.

Come back next week, because I am now determined, more than ever, to go to that asteroid field. I can fly through space and I will get there with my built-in class 1 hyperdrive. Meanwhile, hyperfuel yourself with the ANGRY MACE™ Cream of Vengeance soup. WHY? BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NEVER ASK WHY IN ORDER TO BE A VIGILANT CITIZEN AND BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO.

Your Empire thanks you.

A note from the Imperial Ministry of Health: ANGRY MACE™ Cream of Vengeance Soup does not contain real mushrooms. Still the genuine mushroom product has been known to cause hallucinations in some inferior species from the Colonies. Please, talk to your nutritionist if you notice anything that you know isn’t there. If this persists after the soup has been pumped out of your system, you might be just what we need for the brave Jedi Hunting Squad, composed of the best people the System has ever had the pleasure to train.

 

Oh no! Fake mushrooms and the real ones cause hallucinations?! What are those?

Definitely this diarist loves to dramatize!

 

EP : Sincere apologies I've not been keeping up with your stuff lately.

But this is brilliant - both in its pure moments, and also in the more ones. There's a definite sense of absurdity to this, but the undercurrent of manipulation reminds me of the worst social-control moments of American commercialism, also ...

 

A quickie, apropos this:

I have not replied to a single story since June 05th. I don't even know why. So, no worries.

 

pffft! ANGRY MACE/HAPPY BANTHA? No way!!

Still loving the way you twist things around to make them pro-Imperial.
{quote]In this situation, I would suggest everybody to motivate themselves for our next attack and the final extermination of the disobedient ones with our very first product in the line, created back in 1 AE when I was brought from the dead and reformed to be evil to those who deserve it and not undermine the Empire.[/quote]
Oh, so that's the deal, huh? Mace Windu has definitely been "reformed" in more ways than one. His comment that "I don’t have organic hands and my powers have been tamed to the level where I am nothing but a good influence to you" shows he has quite literally been rebuilt to serve the Imperials. Even being evil is a good thing when directed toward "those who deserve it."

Another thing I like here is the "us/them" dichotomy that the Imperials (heck, any authoritarian government) always, always plays into. Those people who might experience a nasty side effect of the ANGRY MACE™ Cream of Vengeance Soup could only be "some inferior species from the Colonies." However, those people who can tolerate it "might be just what we need for the brave Jedi Hunting Squad, composed of the best people the System has ever had the pleasure to train." Get sick? It's your own fault for being inferior. Can you handle it? Great, you're a superior being, let's go hunt some Jedi scum.

Clever, clever work here.

 

If you would be the person responsible for the propaganda for many tyrannies here on earth, you would get a lot of people to love those systems fiercely and loyally. And make them addicted to ANGRY MACE products all the way.