Saga - OT [DDC 2019] Written in Sand

Maybe the Tuskens will need a change of clothes and 'borrow' Oafy-Wan's? Now that would be funny, indeed. Good update. Good to see Kenobi settling into his new surroundings.

 

Scribble 12: Evening Visit

I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity. Yesterday evening, just after going to bed I imagined seeing Qui-Gon again. It's truly scary. Am I so messed up that I begin to hallucinate? And why in all the nine red hot glowing Sith hells is it only him I see. Why don't I hallucinate other beings? Like friends from the Temple…or…Force help me, Satine. That would have been a nice encounter. At least if she appeared like she did when being alive.

Not that I don't miss my Master, though, because I do. I've long ago come to terms with his death, but I've never stopped missing him and his advice, but yet - I shouldn't have hallucinations like that. Maybe I'm getting ill? That would certainly not be the best of ideas right now. It's really not like I could find some healer nearby if needed be. Actually, that is a benefit. Probably one of the very few I have here.

But I feel well, at least physically. Mentally, not so much. The responsibility for this whole mess weighs heavily on my shoulders. Every night when I try to sleep my thoughts keep swirling trying desperately to find something I could have done differently to prevent Anakin from falling.

Was I too stern? Too lean? To forgiving when I should have been stern? Didn't I manage to teach him the code properly? How come I didn't see his relation with Padmé develop? Could I have stopped it if I'd known?

I try to abandon these thoughts from my mind when they turn up, but it's getting tougher every day. There is simply not enough to focus on right now. I fear I will break one day, and Force, if I ever start crying, I have no idea when it will stop. Will it ever stop?

Oh, now I can see Qui-Gon again. He's leaning towards the stone bench where I've decided to do my cooking. He…seems so real. And there, when I look closer and really focus - there's nothing there. As it should be.

I'll try to sleep.

I must not cry.

 

Oh how heart-wrenching! Amused by the comment about healers however. I can completely understand why Obi-Wan is afraid he's going bonkers.

 

I wonder when Qui-Gon is going to start talking to him?

 

It may get worse before it gets better.

Hasn't he already done that?

 

Scribble 13: Tatooine Flooding

I cried.

Those who say that Jedi don't cry are wrong. I don't know how it happened, because I was determined to not let it happen but last night I woke from my slumber with tears flooding my face. I believe I dreamt about Anakin's first birthday after we became Master and Padawan.

What kind of Master am I? Or, was. I presume the correct thing would be using past tense.

How could I let my Padawan walk down that dark path and let him turn into a Sith? Why didn't I notice?

I feel so empty. It's like every ounce of life and laughter has left my body. Force knows it wasn't much of that left during the war anyways, but I'm wrung inside out. There is nothing left of me, only this empty shell.

If I had been quicker, Qui-Gon wouldn't have died, and he would have trained Anakin. He would have done a much better job than I. I was too young. If I hadn't been so incredible stupid and being imprisoned by Dooku on Geonosis, nobody would have had to save me (Force how I wish they hadn't done that) and maybe, just maybe, the Clone Wars wouldn't have begun. I was and unwilling and unknowing catalyst of it all. It was all caused my incredible stupidity.

Carrying a Galaxy's miserable fate on ones shoulders is a heavy weight to carry.

Killing one's Padawan, well - ex-Padawan- isn't good either.

There are so many things I should have done differently. And I can't.

It's done. Over with. There is nothing more I can do. They're all dead and gone. My people. My family. My friends.

And there the floodgates opened again. I wonder if I will ever stop crying.

 

Ouch! Very natural reactions but totally unfounded. Anakin was taken in with everyone else regarding who was actually the Sith and who wasn't ... When there are secrets and pretenses, it's hard to see through them. Perhaps Qui-Gon would have been able to, or he probably would've been swept along with the rest of the Jedi.

 

The dark was clouding everything. And Qui-Gon? Maybe he is seeing him and trying to teach again

 

Very intense and intimate update of a soul in peril. But I hope the desert, especially the fire of Tatooine´s twin suns, will cleanse him of all the misery, pain & self-doubt until only his true self will remain.

 

Scribble 14: Hallucinations

I haven't been writing much recently. I've been to busy with - well coping with everything I guess. I'm definitely not doing an admirable job at that. Far from it.

I'm not crying quite as often now, but instead I'm having hallucinations. I'm not very good at sleeping, but every night when I try I can sense someone in the room with me. But I know it's empty because when I open my eyes there are no-one there.

And yet…there has been evenings when I've gone to bed and I have somehow imagined Qui-Gon sitting on the bench watching over me with that concerned expression he sometimes had when he was sitting by my bed at the Healer's Ward back home.

No. I must stop that. "Home" is gone. It's not there anymore.

For the last two nights when I've awoken screaming I've practically heard Qui-Gon's soothing voice telling me to calm down and don't cling to the emotions. As if I could. They're clinging very tight to me, thank you very much. I could manage quite well without them, actually.

Can a hallucination be both heard and seen? Because I do both, just not simultaneously.

Oh, how I wish that it was real. Having Qui-Gon with me here would have been an immense relief. What bothers me most, apart from the fact that the galaxy is ruled by a Sith Lord, that my friends and Padawan are dead, that my home is in ruins and that I'm more than partly guilty of it all, is the loneliness out here. It even surprises myself. I thought that I would cope very well on my own, but instead I find that it gives too much room and time for…well, thinking.

Less thinking would have been good.

I simply cannot stop blaming myself for this mess. I started the war by getting caught on Geonosis. I trained the Chosen One who now is so terribly unchosen. If he was meant to bring balance to the Force, then he did so by enhancing the dark side and how could that ever be a part of a Jedi prophecy?

Yes, I do feel responsible. And, by the Force, so terribly lonely.

I must be the worst Jedi Master ever.

 

How utterly disconcerting to feel the burden of guilt on top of thinking I'm going bonkers, seeing and hearing things

 

More bonkers Obi-Wan coming up . He's still not back to his normal calm self.

 

Scribble 15: Ghost

By all the moons and stars - I have gone ravingly insane. That must be the explanation. Today I actually saw the ghost of my old Master and it spoke to me. There is no way in this world such a thing can happen. Is it?

But it…he…whatever… it is did. It was just like hearing Qui-Gon's voice again, and Force alone knows how often I have longed for that throughout the years. I've heard his voice for some days now, but tonight after an -even for my standards- horrible nightmare about a dark amor clad being, he turned up and he actually laughed at me. Laughed! At me?

I'm not the one who's blue and foggy here!

After hearing his voice repeatedly I challenged him to show himself and he did. First a blue fog was forming and then it took the shape of a human being. My Master. And he somehow seemed to solidify because finally he seemed solid enough, -normal enough for me to touch.


Not that I did. The blue color didn't disappear totally so it seemed somehow a bit…not right to touch him. So I didn't. As I write this I'm actually doubting my own senses. I cannot believe I saw what I saw. It's not…well, it is defying the laws of nature. When you die, you become one with the Force. That's what we were taught. One does not become a seemingly solid figure, radiating a blue aura. It's just not right.

And yet…

Yoda told me. Before I left Polis Massa he said that my old Master would have lessons for me. I thought he was just…well, I don't know…overexerted, but now? I really don't know. He, it, whatever, really sounded like Qui-Gon. Not that he speaks loudly to me, but I can hear his voice in my head and it is just like it was the day he died. Deep and soothing and filled with humor.

I hope it's him. I think.

It would be so nice to have…someone. Even though said 'someone' is just a Force ghost.

No, Master, stop. Don't tug my hair. I do NOT have a padawan braid anymore.

Obviously he's here now even though I can't see him.

Master, I don't mind that you read my notes, but please try to be polite.

Oh, what am I saying?

Admonishing a ghost for being impolite must be a maximum level of lunacy.

 

His wry sense of humor is returning, at least.

 

And I hope he will learn from Qui-Gon again

 

Scribble 16: Realisations

Qui-Gon turned up again today. He really must be the most undisciplined ghost ever. I supposed a ghost would appear at night, but he chose to appear in full daylight. Oh, well, he wasn't very good at following the rules while he was alive either so somehow that little thing makes sense.

If one can say that me seing ghosts, uh..ghost, makes sense.

I don't know. I'm not sure about anything right now.

Still, Qui-Gon and I had the most enlightening conversation. He told me that he'd been following me almost all the time since he passed away. I really should have known back then. If I'd know I would have found a way to communicate with him no matter what. I would really have needed his advice.

I asked him why he didn't make any attempts of contacting me and he explained that he wasn't able to at that time. Somehow it seems that becoming a Force ghost is something you need to practice to be able to do. I didn't understand much of it. Seems like I may learn to know it later because he confirmed what Yoda told me: I will be taught what I need to become…like him when my time is up.

I'm not sure whether I want to or not.

I mean, Force, if this life is representative for my potential continued existence I really think I would prefer passing quietly into the Force.

On the other hand, he said he was there for me when I was in trouble, even though I didn't sense him. That must have cost him. The only time he really reached out for me was when I was imprisoned by Ventress on Rattatak. I vaguely remember a familiar voice, his voice, telling me not to give up. Never give up. And definitely not let her win. So I didn't. I wouldn't have anyway, but feeling that someone was there for me, even though I thought it was only my own hallucinations made it easier to withstand her torture.

So, if I take up his offer and start the training now, maybe I could do some good for others when my time here in the sand is over?

I would like that, I think. Maybe ghosts aren't so troubled by the heat and sand and general lack of comfort? I really need to ask him that question before I accept.

Should I accept?

 

Great entry with a genuine turning point.

 

Now "Thomas" starts believing again. There should have been more faith in the Force and his old master. But well, in the end he is not such a slow learner as Anakin. And I agree with the other readers, his humour returns.

 

Scribble 17: Ghostmaking and Homemaking

I have made up my mind. I accepted Qui-Gon's offer to train me to become like him. I'm still not sure about this entire Force ghost thing, but when I pledged my oath to the Jedi Order I promised to serve the Order and the Galaxy, or maybe the other way around. Since this chance has been placed before me I assume it's the will of the Force.

That was pretty much what Qui-Gon told me too.

My Master can be very persuasive when he wants to, and according to him preparing for becoming a ghost is easier when the preparations begin while one still is alive.

Force, what am I saying?

I'm really planning to become a ghost?

I think the sun, or rather the suns, must have dried away what little brain I once had. I talk like a madman. You cannot plan to be a ghost, for Force's sake. Ghosts don't exist.

Ow, Master, I still don't have a Padawan's braid anymore!

I have a feeling that these lessons will be most interesting, indeed.

In-between the madness (I apologize, Master) and the "How to become a ghost" planning I have tried to make myself familiar with my new home. I got this fabulous idea that I should use some of the bushes down in the valley to make my "mattress" a bit more forgiving. It was not the wisest thing I've ever done. I obviously need to learn more about the vegetation here. How could I know that there were hidden thorns in the branches and that they appeared when enough weight was placed upon them? It took a while to get those spikes out of my backside. Unfortunately my blue companion couldn't materialise enough to assist me in that task. Well, he was too busy laughing anyways.

However, this is obviously going to be my permanent home from now on and even though a Jedi does not crave comfort, I assume that a half decent sleeping mat would be acceptable. One of the upcoming days I believe I will take the chance and ride over to Dannar's Claim to visit the general store Beru told me about. I will need some basic food as well. The proviant I got from Beru is getting sparse and even though living of what the nature can offer sounds all good, there simply isn'tmuch nature around here to live from. I really believe the eopie is better adapted to that than I. I will have to go there some time within the next week.

 

Superb entry. Obi-Wan is well on his way to regaining his quirky sense of humor and eagerness to learn new stuff.

 

Deserts are the best places to learn. About one self, about life in common, about religion. There is little distraction.

 

Scribble 18: Surroundings

I'm still in the "planning to go to Dannar's Claim" mode, but today I chose to inspect my surroundings a bit more thoroughly. I went down in the valley to check on Emphie and made an impulsive decision to explore the surroundings further.

I followed the valley into the mountain. A couple of klicks further in it widened and showed a rather wide, open grassland. For sure, it wasn't anything like the grasslands on greener planets like Ansion, but yet…

I saw the remainders of something that might have been built by sentient beings once upon a time. I wonder if Tuskens used to live here in ancient days, and by the Force, if so I wonder even more why they actually left? I couldn't feel any warnings in the Force and since there actually is more vegetation than I've seen on the rest of the planet so far, I doubt that the soil is poisoned by anything. Still, I wonder why the Tuskens haven't moved in ages ago?

I couldn't solve the puzzle there and then so I continued up into the mountains. A narrow path was leading between the steep mountains and a new valley opened up. This one is clearly inhabited and I do not plan to visit soon. It was more open and inviting than on the lower altitudes but up here the vegetation is just as sparse as the one I've been accustomed to see.

The fauna is another matter indeed. I have neighbours and they are a scary lot. The hillsides were covered with large caves and from a couple of those I could see something that probably was huge tails. I suspect a clan of krayt dragons live here. I've sometimes heard them roaring in the night but I didn't suspect there were so many of them so close. I'd better leave them in peace. They're known to be rather grumpy. I really don't think "to know me is to love me" would work very well in this neighbourhood.

There may be a good thing having that kind of neighbours, though. It may keep other beings away. Even the Tuskens respect the krayt dragons and I really hope they continue that way. And I most certainly hope the inhabitants of Dannar's Claim do so as well. As it is per now they represent the main threat for me. If they discover my hideout and recognise me, I may be in deep **** if the clone troopers ever come this far.

Speaking of which - I really have to take that trip to Dannar's.

 

Super details of the surroundings and surmises about the creatures roundabout

 

When I read this I suddenly had to think about Frank Herbert´s "Dune" and the secret underground water supplies the Fremen had due to those windcatchers collecting the morning dew. Or something like that.

Anyway, deserts have more life in them then people usually suspect. (Had an overdose of documentaries about deserts due to fanfic research a couple of years ago.) Plus natives are not always the primitives, the savages. (Suddenly has songs from Disney´s "Pocahontas" in her mind. Oh my!)

 

It has been a couple of weeks since last posting. I have not forgotten the story but RL was kind of busy. April update no. 1 is coming...