Beyond - Legends (DDC2017) Not so blind: The Diary of Teafa Phaidraig (OC, AU, Far Future, Angst) UPDATED 3/25

Another creepy and realistic entry. This throwing of a glass against the wall, just when she thought that she could sleep after getting all that off her chest - poor, poor Teafa. The emphasis of pain and smells here just adds to the realism of her special kind of blindness. And, in a way, confirms the diary's title. She perceives the world in so many ways, she is truly not so blind.

Glad that her dad is kind, but the idea that she COULD doubt him was...hmm. Did those that imprisoned her actually want her to become this paranoid, in addition to her PTSD?

 

AzureAngel2 thanks azure, i'm glad that you think it's well written. it's still got a bit of time stuck in... more of this, but it'll start getting better once she actually goes to see dr. mandil.

so i'm curious, what do you know about "Ashla"?

Ewok Poet good to know that it's still realistic in your estimation. teafa has been a bit of a trip to figure out at times, not just here, but in her more advanced state about thirteen years in the future, because the game she's in has gone places i never planned to take her. there's a chance there's going to be more of teafa in other stories in the near future, i have a songfic challenge that i've got ideas circling around in my mind. anyway, neither here nor there ATM.

the title was actually a bit of a fluke in that regard, i was just trying to think of... anything to call this really, and then it was just kinda sitting there. things like that really drive it home even more, and i'm glad that's coming across well. there's also the whole seeing through the force thing, that's not exactly easy to portray in a diary. hopefully i'll be able to figure out how to get that in here a bit more, but it's been odd to really work with in other things, and this is no exception.

aye, i agree with you completely on that. but imagine you've been captured for about a year and put through that kind of hell, where the only time you've been touched was abuse of some sort... and no matter who it is that's touching you, even if it's someone that you love and trust, you're going to have been conditioned to expect something very different from what you're going to get. she was being conditioned to be a slave who would kind of just accept whatever was thrown at her, and she never broke. but that doesn't mean that there aren't rather painful consequences beyond that. unfortunately the paranoia just seems like a logical part of the healing process for her. and it isn't so much that she doesn't trust her father, it's more reaction and discomfort. she very much does trust her father, it's just hard for her to actually... let that trust be the only thing that's there. unfortunately, i know to a much, much smaller degree what that's like.

 

Interesting story! She is going to have a very long recovery- I think starting classes again will have to be deferred. Her "normal" won't be normal for a while. As you alluded to in the last entry, it's going to be an adjustment for her family too. I'm interested in her relationship with her little sister. How much does the sister understand about her ordeal?

I hope she has some allies who can help her. It sounds like her rescuer is no longer in the picture. Good to see she still has a counselor.

I like how you're showing the difficulty of adapting to the everyday world while still reeling from the horror she endured.

 

@Blind Prophet: Ashla
a) one of the two moons of Tython
b) a young female Togruta who was a Jedi padawan at the outbreak of the Clone Wars
c) the Ashla and the Bogan

 

divapilot thanks for coming along for the ride, and i'm glad you find it to be interesting. yea, it's going to be a little while and classes are indeed a bit of a bad idea for the time being, which she's rapidly coming to realize herself. your question actually specifically sparked a change in the next bit i'm about to write, so thanks for asking it.

oh, he's going to be in the picture, he's just been busy.

yea, it isn't easy. and there's been so many people that have gone through things like that... it's a story that just isn't told or understood well enough.

AzureAngel2 awesome. there's another connection in there as well, the moons of tython were actually where the idea of it connecting to the force came from, so it's very inherently tied to tython. which i've always found interesting.

and there's another aspect to it as well, it's a continued idea in the old EU that only the miraluka species really used anymore. it tied into their religious approach to the force in general, and seeking balance... but mainly focused on the lightside of the force over the dark. that's going to be showing up a bit in this as things move forward.

 

Poor Teafa, coming to terms with what happened... it's not an easy thing, to go through PTSD after something bad. And here's hoping her father understood the recoiling from his touch...

Interesting diary, Tri.

 

DaenaBenjen42 it very much isn't, that's for sure. i don't know if he understands, but he's not going to really blow it out of proportion given the situation. he's aware she's gone through rather a lot.

glad that you find it interesting.

HanSolo29 thank you. seeing things fleshed out always changes things, you think you get something but when you see it laid out your understanding will always change. hopefully you never really understand it, because that's something far too many people feel. lot of not so good father's out there.

definitely some hope, she'll learn and grow from all of this. just not going to be an instant kinda thing.

 

Entry the Fifth

The following morning

Ended up crying myself to sleep. Apologized to dad, and he said he understood and that he just wants to help and understand what's going on. Not sure I can really help him there, I'd have to know myself. All I know is that I hurt. A lot. And that I'm scared of everything. I'm so glad that I'm going to see Dr. Mandil tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me understand better, help me handle it better. Just... help.

Speaking of him, guess I should try to finish that nightmare from last night. Not like I'm going to forget it anytime soon.

Six minutes later...

Had to go look back at what I wrote before. Don't want to cover it again.

Fatso was there, screaming obscenities at me and kicking me. Telling me to just give up, that no one's ever going to come save me. As usual, I tried to fight him, grabbed onto his leg and... he threw me around the room. I mean, I'm not exactly big. Barely five foot three, and really underweight at that point. Not exactly hard for a feeorin to manhandle me.

After he threw me into the wall, I remember glaring up at him while he stalked over ready to kick me some more. And then the door blew open, and everything was kind of muddled. Fatso ended up landing in the corner in the slimy stuff. Made a weird squelching sound, so I guess it was kinda thick.

Then there was a pair of hands on me, though they weren't mean like the huttslime. I still tried to fight them off, because...

How do you get used to being touched again? I'm still not if last night is any indication. I just want to be held, but even when I gave my dad a hug this morning I was so tense that I had to run back here so I wouldn't hyper-ventilate.

Why can't I have my old life back? It's sitting right there, and I can't pick it up. It's like I expect it to bite me or something. This isn't fair! Q_Q

Ten minutes later...

Ashla I'm getting tired of crying.

Have to get through the rest of that dream, then I can... I don't know. Something.

The hands had pulled me out into the hall, and a voice kept telling me that I was safe and that it was over. It took a few minutes for it to get through that things were different, that this wasn't normal. Wasn't like those sleemos. Then I actually saw, and it was another miraluka. It was Talwar, he had come to rescue me. Then I kind of broke down, crying and clinging to him for a few minutes. Then I tried to stretch out with the Force, and got shocked again. I started clawing at my throat, demanding that the force collar be taken off, to just get it off.

Gently he pulled my hands away, and said it was alright. He'd find the control that would let him take it off safely, and to just be patient. To just wait there, he remembered seeing the control on one of the other slavers that he'd already dealt with. I agreed, not entirely sure if I could actually walk in my current state.

He came back, took it off, and I felt life surge through me again as I drew on the Force. It felt like I could breath again.

And then the anger took over.

I ran back into the room, and began kicking and screaming at Fatso. He started moving, trying to defend himself. Guess he must have started coming to after the explosion. And when I saw him do that, acting like I had been just minutes ago, something snapped. I used the Force, and I slammed his head against the wall. Over and over... until his head looked more like a cracked egg than anything recognizable. And Talwar just let me.

That's when I woke up screaming. I can't believe I dreamed doing something like that. That's completely not how that actually happened. I didn't kill anyone, didn't... do anything. There was no explosion like that.

Talwar just crept in and broke Hobnose neck while he was... was...

Not going there right now. May never go there. Just no. No. No. No! Mind stop!

Fifteen minutes later...

Ashla... why? Why would anyone abuse someone else like that? I don't understand.

If Talwar hadn't come when he did I don't know how much longer I could have held out. Turns out a year is kind of incredible. I think that's why they kept getting so much more vicious. Because I wasn't breaking like they were used to.

I didn't kill anyone. Talwar took me with him when he went to get the control to get the collar off. Everyone was already dead. I asked him about other slaves, and he said that I was it. That they must have been between shipments. All those others... lost. It isn't fair. Ashla, why couldn't he have saved them too? Why couldn't there have at least been others to save? Why... why... just me?

Don't remember much of anything after he got the collar off, just kinda sagged in relief and passed out. The next thing I knew I was waking up with bacta patches on me, and a really loose tunic that fit me more like a dress. Short dress, but still. And the smell of food... Not that trash that they'd been feeding me, but real fo-

Three minutes later

Caras just asked me to go out and get a snack with her. Some freeze cream sounds stellar right now. More later. Maybe. May just sleep.

 

So much darkness! So much suffering! I hope that there will be some healing for her soon!

 

AzureAngel2 things will start getting better in the near future. she's going to see the doc soon after all.

 

This was painful to read in so many ways. You're great at writing an anxious state of mind and it seems that such a state is Teafa's default. The thing where one does not want to look at something, face something, hear something - that is how it goes and I...I kind of hope that this was just research and not a real experience, because I would not want anybody to feel like that. It's too real.

And those ups and downs, constant callings to Ashla, replaying the whole traumatic experience over and over and over and over. I am curious to see how the meeting with her doctor will look like, as he's got to have an idea on how to stop this, how to have her do a calming exercise or something. Anything. Pain leads to darkness in this Universe, and a young person is more impressionable. :/

Because...it needs to co-exist with that black spot in time.

And that's the only way to be balanced. To reach balance.

 

Teafa's mind can only process one thing at a time. Right now she is trying to process that she is in a transition from a year-long nightmare and she can finally breathe again. She can't also process the ramifications of what was done to her or the possibilites of her life now and her future. She needs to be patient with herself. She is entitled to be angry and confused.

So as a Miraluka, she "sees" with the Force, right? So when she was with the slavers and they had a Force collar on her, it interrupted her ability to connect with the Force, so it made her truly blind? What a horrible thing.

 

(reserved for responses)

 

Entry the Sixth

Four hours later...

That was a disaster.

I don't even know where to begin. Caras was so normal, chatting away as we walked, but I couldn't tell you a single word she said. There was just too much... too much... everything.

Never really noticed before, but there is an absolute ton of noise outside of our house. Thank Ashla for noise cancelation tech, or I'd be a complete mess all the time. Soon as we got outside I was on edge, constantly bombarded by noises, speeders, hovercraft, people walking, talking. And Ashla, the pets we have around here. >_< Moings, merr-kits, even the fluffly little bezra... Just... So. Much. Noise. We didn't even make it a block away before my hands were shaking. I'm amazed I actually made it to the diner.

I think Caras realized there was something wrong at that point, I hadn't actually said anything since leaving home. Suppose that might have been a giveaway, but I had to make sure I knew everything that was going on around me. I just had to. Even with my Force Sight it's not exactly easy keeping track of every little thing that's moving or making noise anywhere near me. Impossible really. Never knew how much being in such a controlled space had messed with me, even if it wasn't a space I was in control of.

Kinda wish Caras had just wanted to go home, then I wouldn't be in this whole potential legal mess. It's not my fault that someone bumping me made me lash out with the Force before I could actually register what was going on. I didn't ask to go through anything that would make that my default reaction.

What a mess. Ended up knocking the guy who bumped me through the doors, shattered most of the windows... not to mention all of the ruined clothes and wasted food. Mom had to leave work and come and explain what I'd been through while I hid in the bathrooms trying not to hyperventilate or curl up in a ball crying.

Poor Caras, she was completely beside herself and didn't know what to do. Tried to comfort me, but just couldn't really understand why... well, anything really. Not that there's any real reason for her to understand, and Ashla there had better never be a reason.

Two minutes later...

Great. Another sec officer to talk to me. Can this day get any worse?

 

Touching entries in her diary. She is going through a lot

 

WHOA. I was about to ask when something, anything was going to happen, and then...this. Was Teafa experiencing some sensory torture, is this agoraphobia, or both? Moreover, she's a case of those folks who are strong in the Force, but appear unable to handle their own powers. Glad that Caras made it out alive, same for...pretty much the entire neighbourhood.

Do the Miraluka have restrictions on Force use, is this counted as domestic violence or is there a special Teafa-watch going on here?

Glad to see this back!