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Saga Dead Man Walking [Proverbs Challenge; thriller/action/suspense; OCs, ISRR] COMPLETED 07/31

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Idrelle_Miocovani, May 29, 2010.

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  1. Idrelle_Miocovani

    Idrelle_Miocovani Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2005
    MiralukaJedi
    Definitely! Couldn't agree more with you - a certain vengeance-wanting, hot-headed Falleen won't. :p

    Okay, so, update time! This next chapter caused a lot of perplexing difficulties for me, and is one of the reasons why I stalled in updating for... a month. :p Most of it was me debating how to go around the issues raised in this next post, but I think I did an okay job with it in the end. At least, I'm satisfied enough with it to post it.

    Okay, Idri, no more blabber. *shuts up*

    *posts*


    [blockquote]***

    [b][i]8 hours, 3 minutes. [/i][/b]

    ***[/blockquote]

    It was impossible to say what Vader had done to his agents back at the lodge, but Rerem personally didn?t want to find out. All he knew was that he and Nyixa escaped the maintenance corridors and fled in a stolen speeder, which they exchanged for another one from a grungy repair shop a few dozen miles away. They were almost sure they weren?t being tailed this time, but it had been a close call and Rerem wasn?t about to call complete victory over their enemies. If anything, they had probably only managed to grab a few hours of freedom.

    He and Nyixa had both agreed that it was unsafe to take refuge in a hive or another lodge. By now the Imperials probably knew all of their most likely ? and most unlikely ? haunts and would have them covered. It was a small planet, after all ? as they were becoming increasingly aware. When you had the higher ups clawing at your back, places to hide on Coruscant were few and far between, even if you knew the tricks of the trade.

    The best way to shake them off would be to do the unpredictable and go where no intelligent Rebel spy would go when they were on the run: the upper levels of Coruscant.

    They broke into a small, but decent, apartment late in the afternoon. It was easy enough ? the building was middle-class, so its security system wasn?t difficult for Nyixa to override. Rerem went in first through the front door, as was his favourite ploy. With a bounty on their heads, a human and a Falleen in ragged conditions walking in together would look suspicious. There were many residents returning from work at that time, so the woman at the front desk didn?t pay him any attention. A few eyebrows were raised, but most the damage to his clothing and body was concealed by a long coat that had been in the back of their stolen speeder.

    Nyixa let herself in through the backdoor, neatly slicing through every piece of security she encountered and then putting it back in order once she slipped by. She met him on the floor of their targeted apartment.

    The apartment was well-furnished for middle-class workers, consisting of a sitting room, kitchen, fresher and bedroom all of a decently large size. Much of the decorum was distinctly feminine; Rerem guessed that it was either an unmarried woman or a married couple who lived here. There were a fair amount of couches decorated with plush pillows scattered around the sitting room. A glass desk with a computer sat in one corner. A second one was in the centre of the room; Rerem and Nyixa dumped their weapons there for temporary storage. A chrono blasted the time from one of the walls. Everything was white ? white splashed with traces of bright, cheerful colours, with the exception of the long curtains flowing over the large, transparisteel window at the end of the room. Those were bright, solid yellow.

    The colours were making him feel nauseous.

    [i]White?s trendy these days,[/i] he thought with a glower as he stalked about the sitting room, tracking dirt from his boots and clothes all over the neat, white carpet. He knew he should be collapsing with exhaustion right now, but his mind was restless, making his body restless.

    He prowled across the apartment, looking for something to occupy his agitated mind.

    The white scheme with its blasted complementary bright colours was not confined to the sitting room. The kitchen was bedecked with them, too, as was the bedroom ? which had the unfortunate addition of too much lace. Rerem swore and slammed the bedroom door sh>
     
  2. MiralukaJedi

    MiralukaJedi Jedi Knight star 4

    Registered:
    May 15, 2008
    Why do I get the feeling that these two are getting one last chance at some sort of normality before they're both dead?

    Great work overall though by the way.
     
  3. Valiowk

    Valiowk Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Apr 23, 2000
    Like MiralukaJedi, I too get the feeling that those two are going to end up dead in another eight hours' time... :( What's up with pairs realising/acknowledging that they have feelings for each other, only to have some misfortune befall one party (or both) just a short while later, in the Star Wars universe? :mad: ;)

    Otherwise, it was a wonderful read. =D= Some of the issues you raised in the post were certainly tricky, but I think you did a great job with them. Looking forward to the next update! :)
     
  4. Idrelle_Miocovani

    Idrelle_Miocovani Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2005
    MiralukaJedi
    Probably because there's a ticking clock in the story that only the audience knows about. ;) But I never did promise a happy ending - I think one of the main points was how they keep trying to escape what's coming to them, but in the end... well, you'll see.

    Great work overall though by the way.

    Thanks! Glad you think so. [:D]


    Valiowk
    It's like that because the Gods of Drama demand it. [face_peace] :p Yes, it does happen in Star Wars a lot. I think I may be using the same device for the same reason a lot of people possibly do: relationships draw the audience in, moreso than the story would usually manage without one. When something horrible does happen to the characters in question, the loss of all the "what if's" and "should be's" lets the ending have a more powerful impact on the audience.

    That's just an observation of mine. Not saying that it's true for everything. [face_peace]

    Some of the issues you raised in the post were certainly tricky, but I think you did a great job with them.

    Thanks! [:D] That does mean a lot, because I spent a lot of time muddling over this chapter trying to tear my hair out in frustration because it took forever to get it to work. ;)


    Thanks for reading, all!
     
  5. Idrelle_Miocovani

    Idrelle_Miocovani Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2005
    [blockquote]***

    3 hours, 21 minutes.

    ***[/blockquote]

    Rerem woke with a start when he heard a loud bang. His hand flew out, searching for his blaster, but it encountered a pillow instead. His bleary mind cleared and he remembered where he was.

    Oh, right. He flushed. Pillow? bed? Nyixa. Right.

    He sat up, trying to untangle himself from the sheets. Nyixa was striding around the room only partially dressed, trying to find something suitable to steal from the owner of the apartment. She had evidently decided that the bright shirt she had been wearing before was not going to cut it. As it turned out, most of the female clothing was also brightly coloured, so she had laid out a selection of smaller male clothes, even though they wouldn?t fit her as well as he liked. The bang, Rerem discovered, had been her slamming a drawer shut in irritation.

    ?I think that?s the longest you?ve ever slept in one go,? she said, shrugging on a loose black shirt. It fell to her knees. She clucked her tongue at the impracticality and took it off, throwing it aside.

    Rerem groaned and passed a hand over his face. It was dark in the bedroom ? night had fallen and their only source of light now came in the form of lamps, which Nyixa had turned on.

    ?How long was I out??

    ?Four hours, give or take.?

    ?What time is it??

    ?I don?t know. Night.? She pulled on a different shirt and a new pair of pants, both black. Though they were still big, she seemed satisfied. ?I don?t really want to look at the time.?

    Rerem stared at her for a moment and then moved lethargically to the edge of the bed. He glanced over his shoulder and saw her watching him, her expression unreadable. For the most fleeting of moments, he thought he saw her smile, but then the moment snapped and they both looked away. There was no point on talking about what had passed between them. It had only been a moment ? a lovely moment ? but a moment nonetheless. With the threat of Vader and the Imperials and the revival of their mission looming over their heads, dalliances meant nothing. It was as if it hadn?t happened at all.

    That was the opinion they were both forced to take. Still, Rerem couldn?t completely hide the slight feelings of disappointment even from himself. It had been nice. It was nice to forget, to let go of your troubles, once in a while.

    Nyixa collected his clothes from a pile on the floor and shoved them into his arms. ?Get dressed,? she said. ?We need to get going.?

    Rerem shrugged into his clothes as she left the bedroom, padding around the apartment collecting items they would need. Try as he might, he couldn?t quite shake the memories out of his head.

    This is why sleeping with your colleagues is a bad idea, he berated himself. It?s kriffing distracting once you wake up?

    A realization hit him.

    ?I was asleep for four kriffing hours?!? he shouted, pelting out of the room.

    Nyixa was in the kitchen, gulping down water and a mix of vegetables and meat. The black datapad containing the precious datafiles was on the table next to her. She glanced at him as he rushed into the room. ?Yeah.?

    ?I don?t do that.?

    ?You just did,? Nyixa said with a sweetly fake smile. ?And it will prove to be a lot better for you than those short power naps ? or whatever the hell you call them ? are. Hell, Rerem, sometimes you?re like a walking corpse, the way you run off lack of sleep. Has anyone ever told you that??

    ?No,? he said bluntly. ?And I?ve never heard you being so chatty.? He caught her wrist. ?Nyixa??

    She couldn?t avoid his gaze. They looked at each other for a moment. Something flickered in her expression. Rerem couldn?t help but wonder whether she felt guilty, as if she had betrayed Seline?s memory by being with him. But even if she did, she let no sign of it into her expression.

    ?Eat something,? she said, shoving a plate full of food at him. ?You?ll need it.?

    He took a fork and stabbed a piece of meat with it.

    Nyixa smiled faintly. ?Good.? Her fingers tapped lightly on the surface of the table. ?I suppose we?re going to head t
     
  6. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    I finally got caught up 8-}

    Wow, what I ride! I love it, though, even with all the death (I knew they'd all die from the start :p ). I just gope Rerem can get the info out!!

    Awesome stuff :D
     
  7. Idrelle_Miocovani

    Idrelle_Miocovani Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2005
    Nat - thanks for catching up, hon! [:D] Yeah, you kind of already knew the outcome from the start, but that was the point. ;) Characters struggling against dramatic doom for all their worth, even though you know that it's not going to end well.

    Well, this is it, folks. At long last - the final post. I hope you enjoy. :)


    [blockquote]***

    [b][i]0 hours, 29 minutes. [/i][/b]

    ***[/blockquote]

    If Rerem had wanted to keep his peace of mind, he knew he should have turned off his comm and thrown it away. He knew that he would never see Nyixa again ? she was as goo as dead the moment she refused his help and collapsed at the side of the corridor. She was dead, just like his other fallen colleagues.

    But against all rationality, he kept it on, hoping against reason that she would somehow be ignored by the oncoming swarm of Imperials and make it out alive.

    Keeping the comm on was one of the worst decisions he had ever made in his life.

    Rerem encountered no one as he sprinted to the end of the long hall. When he came to the intersection Nyixa had mentioned, he turned around the corner and continued to run. The datapad and Nyixa?s bypass chip jangled in his pocket, keeping the panic of accidentally losing them at bay.

    He almost collided with a wall when the last thing he wanted to hear crackled over the comm.

    Vader?s voice.

    [i]Lord Vader.[/i]

    The Imperials had reached Nyixa and they were not going to be kind to her.

    [i]?So you are the young Falleen who has been causing me so much trouble.?

    ?I?m such an awful troublemaker.?[/i]

    Rerem smiled at Nyixa?s tone. [i]Good for you.

    ?And yet you are grievously injured. If you cooperate, we can make sure that you are well cared for.?

    ?Well cared for where, exactly? Prison? No thanks? I think I?ll pass.?

    ?Pity.?

    ?Not really. I?d rather die than accept hospitality from the murderer of my people.?

    ?I cleared up that dreadful business years ago. The Falleen homeworld is fine.?

    ?But we do not forget.?[/i]

    There was a sudden movement and a thud ? then Nyixa was choking and gasping for breath. Rerem froze, unable to move, only capable of listening. He thought for a moment of turning around and running back, but he knew it would do no good. He must press onwards.

    He forced his protesting legs to continue on down the hall. He had to get to that transmitter. Aaven?s codes were their last hope. This intel could be the Bothan SpyNet?s trouble now.

    [i]?You can stop that unpleasant sound, girl. No one is going to come and help you. I see your other friend, the one we have also been chasing, won?t come back for you. Smart man.?

    ?Don?t speak of my colleague like that!?

    ?Spit as much as you like, it only makes you more disgusting, girl.?

    ?LET ? ME ? GO!?[/i]

    Rerem almost tore the comm from his ear as Nyixa?s voice deafened him. He heard her cry out in pain and there was a ghastly thud as she dropped to the floor.

    [i]I?m so sorry,[/i] he thought. [i]I shouldn?t have left you there to this. [/i]

    He forced himself to continue on.

    [i]?I am not going to let you run away, nor am I going to let you die. If you die, I?ll only have to hunt down your friend. If you behave well, I will consider letting him live.?

    ?? you mean if I tell you what you want to know. Sithspit.?

    ?Stubborn as always.?[/i]

    Up ahead, the corridor became a little lighter. Rerem ran out of the darkness, passing another intersection. Suddenly, he felt someone?s hand on his shoulder and he was yanked backwards into the darkness. A fist sank into his stomach. Grunting, Rerem flipped around, striking out at his attacker. It was one of Marxes? men.

    ?Whoa, whoa, stop it!? Rerem shouted. He ducked as the man swung a blade at his face. ?I?m on your side!?

    ?You killed our boss!? the man spat.

    ?That loyalty is exactly what?s going to get you killed,? Rerem snapped. ?Marxes was a rotten man.?

    ?He paid us!?

    Rerem shrugged. ?Okay, yes, maybe that?s a good reason to follow him, but that doesn?t mean you have to kill me!?

    ?You led Imperials to us!? the man yelled.

    Rerem ducked and the man so>
     
  8. Valairy Scot

    Valairy Scot Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Sep 16, 2005
    Wow, oh, wow, oh wow. Okay - I liked it, in case you didn't realize it. Well done!!
     
  9. Valiowk

    Valiowk Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Apr 23, 2000
    My apologies for missing a post! [face_blush] Congratulations on completing this wonderful thriller - I was definitely hooked all the way to the word "Fin"! Although it was sad to see Nyixa and Rerem ending up dead at the end, they at least managed to transmit the data to the Rebel Alliance. And of course, I guess we all like to imagine that those were the plans of the Death Star that featured so instrumentally in ANH!

    Once again, brilliant job - this story definitely made my summer! :D
     
  10. NYCitygurl

    NYCitygurl Manager Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 20, 2002
    Wow, that ending was so perfect!! I love the last line, and the countdown ending was awesome. Great, wonderful job!!
     
  11. MiralukaJedi

    MiralukaJedi Jedi Knight star 4

    Registered:
    May 15, 2008
    Very nicely done. The end was utterly brillant. Great use of the proverb at the end! (If you want to try another, there is definitely the perfect proverb out there for you still :D ).
     
  12. dm1

    dm1 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 9, 2004
    I sure hope whatever they transmitted was worth the price they all paid. The only one who knew for sure was Seline.

    Excellent story, even if everyone on the team died.
     
  13. Idrelle_Miocovani

    Idrelle_Miocovani Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2005
    Valairy_Scot
    Thank you so much! [:D] I'm glad you really liked it. :)


    Valiowk
    Hey, no worries. ;) I knew you'd be back. :p [:D] It's still pretty rare for me to finish a multi-part story, so I am thrilled that I managed to write it all. I was terribly excited when I finally got to typing out the letters f-i-n at the end. :p I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! Thank you for reading; your comments have always been a highlight, since they are so thoughtful and helpful. :) While I did decide to keep the contents of the datafiles secret, I will say that they did make it to the Rebel Alliance via the Bothan SpyNet (thanks, Aaven), so the team didn't die for nothing.

    Once again, brilliant job - this story definitely made my summer!

    Aww, thank you! [face_blush] [:D]


    Nat
    The ending was actually the first thing I considered when I got my Proverb. The rest spun out of me wanting to set up the ending. :p I can't remember where the idea for a countdown came from, but I'm glad that I did it. I think it helped contribute to the pacing... kind of like a 24 episode. :p My plan was to have the scenes get shorter and increase the number of countdowns as we got closer to the end. It didn't quite work out the way that I expected, but I'm happy enough with the final product. :)


    MiralukaJedi
    Thank you! I think I'll pass on another proverb. I've done so much writing in the past few weeks, I'm a bit overtaxed with writing. [face_laugh] But thank you for putting such an awesome proverb on the list; without it, this story and the characters would not have existed at all. :)


    dm1
    It was definitely worth it. Seline knew what she was doing, even if she did condemn her companions to death, in the end. One of the points of the story was to have every character systematically killed off; I wanted to see how far I could push the audience into a "I know they're going to die, but when?" kind of feeling, hence the countdown. :) And I wanted to see if I could get a "I knew they were going to die, but I was hoping that they wouldn't" reaction. :p


    Thank you so much for reading and commenting, everyone! It means a lot! [:D]




     
  14. Jedi_Linewalker

    Jedi_Linewalker Jedi Master star 2

    Registered:
    May 1, 2005
    For this to be outside your comfort zone, you handled that discomfort very well!

    Your pacing, your timing, description, dialogue, characterization, and everything else was excellently executed. Your characters breathed and had depth, and that's a daunting task at times. A very, very well written and put together story. In short, I loved it!
     
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