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Saga ~Dear Abby~ Star Wars Characters write to Dear Abby, comedy. COMPLETED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by HanSoloIsSoCute, Oct 28, 2005.

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  1. HanSoloIsSoCute

    HanSoloIsSoCute Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005

    Title: Dear Abby
    Author: Jasmine Larson
    Genre: Comedy
    Rating: PG-13 for cursing, sexual references, and violence.
    Time Frame: None
    Summary: This is something I wrote on a whim. I just got the idea now, and I thought it might be funny. I'm writing what it would be like if Star Wars characters wrote to Dear Abby and what they would say. It has no time frame because I'm writing different characters writing to Dear Abby at different ages. We begin with Anakin Skywalker when he was at the age he was in AOTC.
    Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or Dear Abby, nor do I have any connections with either.

    [image=http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e281/HanSoloIsSoCute/dac.jpg]

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    *Anakin writes to Dear Abby*

    Dear Abby,
    I have a problem! I am handsome, good looking and gorgeous. But that?s not my problem. I just wanted you to know. Anyway, I have a huge crush on my charge. I will never be good enough for her and she looks too thin to be standing up straight. Anyway, aside from that, I have a Master who is a gaint pain in my nether regions. He's overly critical, he never listens, he doesn't understand!!!! And, the Jedi Council says I can't get married! Those jerks. They're just jealous because even if they were allowed dates, they couldn't get them!!! Unlike me, I am handsome, gorgeous--and well you know the wrap. I want to kill my Master and kidnap Padme. It seems the only logical option and I want someones 'ok'.


    Pinning and pissed off in the Jedi Council

    P.S. When I rule the galaxy, my Master shall be the first on my list!!!

    *Abby replies*


    Dear Pissed,
    I think it would be best for you to back up and realize what it is you are planning to do. First of all, kidnapping a woman is NOT the way to win her heart. Killing someone to get them out of your way and out of your hair is also not a wise answer. It can become addictive. I suggest you see a conselor. Don't fall in love with them or try to kill them. As for your problem with the Jedi Council(whatever the heck that is), if no marriage is one of their rules you should abide by it if you wish to remain in this group.

    However, if you prefer to get married, quit without ending anyone?s life. And as for wooing this thin woman, no chocolates. That seems to offend thin women.

    *Anakin replies*


    Dear Abby,
    There is still plenty of room on that list for you.

    Still pissed in the Jedi Council



    *Abby replies*

    Dear Still Pissed,
    Do not threaten me with your petty attempts at terrisome, I have bodygaurds.



    *Padme writes to Dear Abby*

    Dear Abby,
    I have a crush on my Jedi protector. I want to woo him but he has an anger management problem. He is young enough to be my kid, but I shrug that fact off because he is handsome, gorgeous, hot----I'm sure you know who I am referring to. I also have another problem, I have a crush on his Master too. Only problem is, I am young enough to be HIS kid. Anyway, there is another problem with that because Anakin wants to kill him. Anyway, I am trying to find a way to get both the guys with them knowing about the other. It is quite complicated.


    In love with Pissed and Pissy in Couresant


    *Abby replies*


    Dear In love,
    Yes, you DO have a problem. I have one word for you: Conseling. Also, are you refurring to the same 'Pissed' I know? Because if you are, you will have no trouble wooing him. And as for the other guy, forget it. He is mine.


    *Padme replies*

    Dear Abby,
    That makes me want him more.


    *Obi Wan writes to Dear Abby*

    Dear Abby,
    You have long been my hero for your calmness and serious attitude. But please stop trying to kidnap me. I understand you have a large crush on me(like that of the Senator), but I am spoken for and very busy(what with the constant threats on my life). I request that you leave me alone and allow me to practice with my lightsaber, no pun intended.

    Tired of being chased, and Pissy in Couresant

    *Abby replies*


    Dear Chased and Pissy,
    I am sorry but y
     
  2. KELIA

    KELIA Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 26, 2005
    Oh my goodness, this was very funny.

    It's too bad Anakin is so insecure about his looks :p

    Great job on this, I look forward to more

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
     
  3. Jaira

    Jaira Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 3, 2005
    I request that you leave me alone and allow me to practice with my lightsaber, no pun intended.

    Hahahahaha. Poor Obi, he's the brunt of many jokes. And yet, I can't stop laughing. Hahahaha
     
  4. MoeTharen

    MoeTharen Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 10, 2005
    I need a hot car, and I want to woo the Senator.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
    *dies laughing*
     
  5. MoeTharen

    MoeTharen Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 10, 2005
    Lemme know when you update, kk?


    -Commander Tharen-
     
  6. dm1

    dm1 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 9, 2004
    Oh, this is such fun! Keep it going...
     
  7. HanSoloIsSoCute

    HanSoloIsSoCute Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005

    Aw cool! Readers! Shmme is having a good day. :D




    Won't have to wait long! I shall be posting the next chapter soon. :D



    lol Yes poor Obi. But he is SOOO hot. =P~




    No dying on my thread. :p lol So glad you liked it and yes you can know when I update. I'll send you all PMs.


    So glad you like it! :) And of course I shall keep 'em comin'! :D




    Jasmine @};-










     
  8. HanSoloIsSoCute

    HanSoloIsSoCute Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005
    Hey, for anyone who wants to know, here is the link to the orginal Dear Abby just so those of you who don't know what Dear Abby is can get an idea. ;)

    Here is the update! :D


    * * * * *


    *Yoda writes to Dear Abby*

    Abby Dear,
    Snakes in my bed, there are. Mud on my floor, there is. Nothing but rootleaf stew to eat, I have. Bratty, snotty padawans to deal with I have. Sad, I am. Where, find a realtor, can I? Miserable, my life is. No girlfriend, I have. No T.V. to watch, there is. Want a sparkling pool, I do. Only swamp muck, I have. Only fun ever have I is scarring the heck out of padawans with scarey caves. Help me, Abby Dear!!


    Rotting in Dagobah

    *Abby replies*

    Dear Rotting,
    It appears you have some inner child issues. You should consult a counselors to get to the bottom of it. As to your living establishments, I do not know of any realtors in your area. I have never even heard of your area!! I suggest you take some time for yourself each day to calm yourself and get in touch with your inner child. Try a hot bath in some of that mud.

    *Yoda replies*

    Abby Dear,
    No inner child have I! 800 years old, I am!! Can't take hot bath in stupid mud, freezing cold it is! Not to mention swamp creatures. No counselors on this planet there are! Only one on the planet I am!!!

    Rotting in Dagobah


    *Abby replies*

    Dear Rotting,
    I suggest you get off-planet and find some mental help. Please stop trying to contact me and the jedi mind tricks are not working.


    *Han Solo writes to Dear Abby*


    Dear Abby,
    I always thought your column was so stupid but I have no one to talk to but my big hairy pet, and he doesn't make sense sometimes. Anyway, my problem is, I am in love with the biggest bitch of all time. She is snooty, mean, spiteful, and she ignores me. She treats me like a mushroom. She shoves me in a dark room and feeds me ****. I don't know why I still like her, maybe it's because she's hot and I am convinced she has alot of money somewhere. I mean, heck, you don't get that bitchy without being some measure of rich. I am capable of wooing most anything female that has the ability to see. Because I am handsome, gorgeous, hot and---you probably get the picture. Anyway, I want to get rid of that little brat 'Luke', he is in the way. I will most likely kill him in some inventive way and kidnap Leia. I want to know where I can find a blaster with a good silencer and something that is very good at knocking people out.


    The Most Sexy Guy in The Whole Freaking Galaxy

    *Abby replies*


    Dear Sexy,
    You remind me quite alot of someone I talked to about 20 years ago. But I digress, I'm sure there is a way to fix this problem, I just wish it were someone other than me to do it. You should see a counselor, and find the root of the reason you are attracted to this *ahem* bitch, as you put it. I am not going to tell you where you can find a blaster with a silencer OR something to knock people out with, because I do not support either option. I suggest you confront this 'Luke' and convince him to get out of the way. Tell him he is related to her or something. And as for the problem with this girl, forget her. I'm free. :D



    *Han Solo replies*


    Dear Abby,
    I think NOT. I am WAY too hot for you.

    The Most Sexy Guy in The Galaxy


    *Leia writes to Dear Abby*



    Dear Abby,
    I am in love with the most selfish guy in the galaxy. I will call him 'Sexy'. He is constantly trying to woo me but I don't think he good enough for me. I enjoy saying snotty things to him and treating him like snark. My favorite names to call him are, nerf herder, emwhulb, bishwag, and many others which I'm sure you would edit out of my letter. However, I tend to get rather jealous when other females more worthy of him flirt with him. He is mine. Even though I constantly deny it and treat him like gartal. Another thing is, I don't want him to get his grimy hands on my money, which I have alot of somewhere. But I digress, my main problem is, how can I get hi
     
  9. SpiritofEowyn

    SpiritofEowyn Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 5, 2005
    Dear Abby

    I have been reading this fanfic that is most amusing, but it prevents me from doing more RL useful things because it is so funny. What should I do?

    Amused on Yavin.


    ;)
     
  10. HanSoloIsSoCute

    HanSoloIsSoCute Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005



    Dear Amused,
    I suggest you get counseling. Find the root of the reason you seem drawn to read this fic that prevents you from experiencing normal life. Get in contact with your inner child and take some time off for yourself. If you still feel drawn to read this fic, I'm sure the author is quite flattered. ;)


    Jasmine @};-



     
  11. Falcon

    Falcon Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Feb 7, 2002
    Dear Abby

    I just found this fic and I think the letters are funny, its very amusing and I wish to be pmed when the author updates again.

    Thrilled on Corellia
     
  12. Chewie-Fan

    Chewie-Fan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 2, 2005
    [face_laugh] =D= :)

    Bravo!!!
     
  13. PadwanKayla

    PadwanKayla Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 2, 2005
    ROFL!! [face_laugh]

    Dear Abby

    So did you actually give up on that old Jedi, Obi-Wan? I think I know where you can still find him as it seems to me that he is closer to your age than that yummy Han fellow.

    Cruising the GFFA

    PS: This is hilarious! Hope you keep writing as you give such wonderfully twisted and sage advice.
     
  14. Jaira

    Jaira Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 3, 2005
    Another great edition of Abbey News! Thanks for the laughs!



    HanSoloIsSoCute wrote:
    lol Yes poor Obi. But he is SOOO hot.



    Uh, yeah. Hottest Jedi in the galaxy!
     
  15. KELIA

    KELIA Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 26, 2005
    The Most Sexy Guy in The Whole Freaking Galaxy

    I see Han has the same self image problem Anakin had...:p

    Very, very funny.

    Loved Yoda's letter

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
     
  16. MoeTharen

    MoeTharen Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 10, 2005
    Abby Dear,
    No inner child have I! 800 years old, I am!! Can't take hot bath in stupid mud, freezing cold it is! Not to mention swamp creatures. No counselors on this planet there are! Only one on the planet I am!!!


    ROTFL!!!!!!

    Can't---breathe--Princess--MONEY BAGS!!!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


    You've done it again, I'm so cracked up I can hardly breathe!!!!!

    -Commander Tharen-
     
  17. HanSoloIsSoCute

    HanSoloIsSoCute Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005
    Wow! Readers galore!!! :D I have an announcment, regarding the next chapter. I'm not going to post it until I get votes. I want you all to enter a vote as to who you think should write to Dear Abby next(it must be a Star Wars character). The character that get's the most votes will come first. :D


    Dear Thrilled,
    I'm sure the author will be quite happy to PM you when she has finished each chapter. As for thinking this is funny, I'm sure she is quite flattered. I think it also make her pleased if you vote. Get counseling.


    Chewie-Fan Thanks! Keep reading and I hope you vote!



    Dear Cruising,
    I still find Obi-Wan to be very hot and I shall get him yet. He shall be MINE. Anyway, where is it you think perhaps I could locate him? I just want it for, ah, reference. I would also like to get my hooks in that 'yummy' Han fellow. Oh, and I think your inner chiuld is telling you to vote. Check into counseling. ;)



    Jaira Thanks! So glad you like it! And yes, Obi-Wan is sinfully hot. =P~


    Aw thanks! I'm so happy you are reading! Please vote. :D




    Thanks sis! You are such a sport. :DThank you so much for reading and please vote! (Thanks again for all the help on Yoda's letter)




    Jasmine @};-








     
  18. aabbccdd

    aabbccdd Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jul 9, 2005
    I request that you leave me alone and allow me to practice with my lightsaber, no pun intended.

    heh... [face_laugh] that was hilarious.
     
  19. KELIA

    KELIA Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 26, 2005
    Which character should write Dear Abby next?

    [face_thinking] [face_thinking] [face_thinking]

    I vote for the Emperor!
     
  20. MoeTharen

    MoeTharen Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 10, 2005
    Hmmmmm...I agee with KELIA. The Emperor would be a riot!


    Luke should come in second
    . ;)


    -Commander Tharen-
     
  21. HanSoloIsSoCute

    HanSoloIsSoCute Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005



    aabbccdd Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! :D

    KELIA Thanks for voting! :D

    MoeTharen I think he would be a riot too. But I have to see how many votes I get. :) Lurkers: I CAN SEE YOU!


    We have 2 votes for the Emperor.


    Jasmine @};-
     
  22. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Mar 26, 2001
    Oh, yoda, my poor little realtorless troll.
     
  23. HanSoloIsSoCute

    HanSoloIsSoCute Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005
    lol I don't blame him for wanting to get out of that slimy mud hole. ;)
     
  24. dm1

    dm1 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 9, 2004
    I agree, the Emperor would be intriguing! Go for it!!! Love these!
     
  25. dm1

    dm1 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 9, 2004
    I agree, I just loved that line! It cracked me up, and left me with bizarre images!
     
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