Beyond - Legends Dear Diary Challenge - 1/2 year - Where do I go next?

Thank you @ZV-83 - I appreciate your comments and that you are reading it.

 

DD

Chrissy made me go riding today. My equine Thunder, seemed to know there was something wrong as he was very affectionate. I didn't wan to ride, but Chrissy was right. I cannot own a magnificent animal like this and not give him the exercise he deserves. I started at a walk but by the time I reached the top of the first hill I wanted to run, I wanted him to gallop so fast that it felt I was escaping every thing. Of course I wasn't. My hair fell out of the tie and by the time I reached the forest area, my eyes were red and dry from the tears I cried and my voice hoarse from screaming into the nothingness. Thunder knew where to take me, my place.

It felt like a lifetime ago that I came here and felt joy, and somehow maybe Thunder hoped I'd find it here again. We walked to the falls silently, I had no tears left and as I sat on my rock over looking the large pond where the falls fell I was numb. Everything was numb, I just wanted to stay there for all eternity, no one could see me, no one could hear me, I could disappear. Forever.

Thunder brought me back to reality with a series of snorts. The sun was setting and it was starting to get cool. He was right it was time to go, reality called.

It was dark when we made it back, Cam offered to brush Thunder down, I was grateful and said thank you, but that's all. I ate in silence and retreated to my room again. I made a decision today, I will not be returning to school. I don't care what Chrissy says or Cam, I cannot and will not go back. I can get that homeschool teacher back, I don't need to be with others they are so not good for me. I will tell them tomorrow, but for now I want to sleep, in the darkness of sleep I can escape, I can run from my ugliness, my self loathing. When I sleep, I am free.

 

DD


Today I told Chrissy I was not going back to school, she was actually ok about it. She told me she knew something had happened, she knew it was something bad but didn't know what. She wanted me to tell her.

I couldn't.

I got upset when she kept asking and it wasn't her fault but I lost my temper again and yelled. I pushed her, not with my hands but with my abilities. If the kids at school knew about that, I can't imagine how they react. I can't be there. I said sorry to Chrissy, she said it was ok, but I could see she was really scared of me. I don't want the only people I love to be scared of me.

Cam came to my room, he was so angry, I could see it in his eyes. Told me I need to learn to control myself, my abilities. Said if I ever hurt Chrissy, he won't be able to forgive me. He's right, I'm a freak who people either laugh at or are scared of. They don't know I'm scared of me, I'm scared of being alone forever, I'm scared if the truth comes out I will be filth to them. I feel so trapped. Dad said I have to hide them, said if the Empire found out about them, I'd be dead. The Empire is gone, but the fear of anyone knowing is still there. I read on the holonet that there is now a 'Jedi Academy' for people like me. I don't want to go, and if they find out about me, they will make me go! I don't want to be a Jedi!

I was on my SIM for a few hours yesterday, I was free there. It was a small win, but I somehow managed to top score. I thought it was just my local area. Then I re read. I was top score for Akrian. The entire planet. Couldn't believe what I was reading. I wanted to tell someone, anyone, but I know no one cares, no one wants to know. I'm good at something, and no one cares. I used a fake name when I joined the server, Astra T. Yeah, if anyone ever hears they won't know its me anyway.

I'm starting to hate my life, to hate myself. What good am I? I can't run the estate, I can't go to school and be around normal people, I can't control my abilities. I just can't and giving up might be the only solution. Who could ever love me?

 

She never really accepts them will a lot later in life.

 

Thank you both for reading

 

DD

I smashed my reflector today, I saw myself. I hated what I saw and I smashed it. My only escape from this pain is the Simulator. I never want to see me again. I want to disappear.

I don't want to be here anymore.

 

DD

Been getting horrible messages from so called school friends, confirming I'm trash.

I'm done. I can't spend my life playing simulators, I'm no good for anyone, or anything. I've written Chrissy and Cam a note, told them everything is theirs. They run it anyway. Galaxy is better off without me.

Goodbye.

 

Rock bottom. She had to hit it.

 

She doesn't know that yet, they don't get close for another few years...

Like all teens, can't tell them that, they have a way of believing no one will ever understand or believe.

 

DD

I'm home.

Four days ago I said goodbye. Four days ago I felt I had no reason to be here and with my own vibroblade, I cut my wrists open. I lay on my bed and waited for the darkness to take me, I felt no pain, just relief that my life would be over.

Chrissy found me. Lots of screaming, I can remember that, and Cam carrying me somewhere. I woke up in Hospital. They wrapped my arms up, and there was a woman there, she said she was my carer. She talked to me, told me I could trust her to tell her what happened and why I was driven to this point.

I told her.

A few hours later Chrissy and Cam were there, she cried and told me how wrong I was. Cam was angry. Said he wanted to punch Trent in the nose for a starter.

Over the next few days all three told me what happened wasn't my fault, told me that what happened was what they called 'date rape'. I've never heard that before, but now I am starting to wonder if they are right. I was pressured, I was not in control, I was made to feel it was my duty, then I was humiliated for it. Its starting to make sense, everything is starting to make sense and I am starting to wonder why I didn't see it before.

Chrissy is fussing constantly, she is even sharing my room on a makeshift cot, she doesn't want me alone. She keeps telling me I should have trusted her, she's right, I should have. Cam's funny, he's so not old enough to be my father, but he's behaving like a father. When the time comes, he will be a good one. Right now I have a chocolate mousse with cream in front of me, I'm being spoiled and I'm ok with it. She's in the kitchen making me, no, us dinner. Says they are having dinner in my room with me. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

I thought my life was darkness, I thought my life was done. I was wrong. I can see the light now, and I know my way to get there with help, and I will get there. Chrissy said Mum and Dad wouldn't want this, and when I think on that, I know she's right. So now to heal, and start my studies at home again, as they are not letting me back to School, thank the stars.

So here I am, I'm home.