Saga Dear Diary Challenge-The ongoing journal of the great and mighty Orto Lann of Ortolan!!!!!!

1st entry:
I?m hungry. And I?m hot. This planet we?re on is just too warm for the tastes of an Ortolan. And darn it, we have great taste. I guess Corellia is a normal temperature for humans. Anyway, the reason I?ve begun my journal has to do with someone I?ve met.

I?ve begun work at I.Twink.I. (Interplanetary Twinkie Industries). I basically fix things that go wrong, and there is a lot that goes wrong. I work for food. Not just twinkies, but a good deal of twinkies. Most of the humans and other races can?t seem to understand working for food alone, so I get a lot of stares and beings coming up to me and making fun. I don?t really care about them, though. I just ignore them. They?re just jealous because I?m smart enough to just get the food in the first place instead of getting credits that I go and spend on food, besides I know that with my multiple black belts, I could take them easily if they pushed things too far.

Well anyway, I?ve been working for a couple of months with my best friend, Garmush. He?s a Gamorrean, and a good looking one if you ask me. He?s a fixer, too, so we tend to stick together, as I?m apparently the only one around who can translate what he says. Everyone always just assumes he?s a security guard. Unlike me, Garmush is quick to overreact. I have to hold him back at least once a day, which isn?t easy for a small being like me.

Today, this new human going under the name of Jaren approached me while I was away from Garmush on a different errand, and he told me in confidence that he was a Jedi, and he needed my help to expose what the factory was really doing, making and selling spices on the market. He seemed to think he could trust me after he?d observed me a few days. He said he needed a fixer who?d been around to get into certain areas without being suspected, and then to identify the machines that would be used for spice production, packaging, and distribution. He told me not to tell Garmush anything, as he wasn?t sure he was as trustworthy. I told him okay.

Of course, I told Garmush everything the first chance I had alone with him. He didn?t like that the Jedi wanted to leave him out, and I had to hold him back when he threatened to go find him and beat him up. I told him that I didn?t quite know what a Jedi was, but it sounded martial artsy to me, so he probably wouldn?t stand as good a chance as he thought.

We decided to work on the mission tomorrow. We often check on the machines deeper in the facility, the ones that require restricted access, in the morning. And I think the nice dark haired human female that guards the entrance to that area thinks I?m cute. I can?t blame her, although she is quite ugly for a human, all skinny, small nose, and paint on her face.

Anyway, I decided I should write all this down, as things might get a little hairy if we?re caught doing anything wrong.

 

Things won't get hairy, Orto, because I'm sure you'll never get caught.

 

How do you exist on twinkies only? How do you buy death sticks?

 

You don't want to buy any deathsticks. You want to go home and rethink your life.

 

2nd Entry:
They don?t feed you enough in jail. It?s a twinkie/spice factory and they can?t spare a little for their prisoners. How rude!

After saying hello to Karina, the female human I mentioned that guards the Restricted Area, Garmush and I thought we wouldn?t be noticed by the humans if we went quickly enough. Unfortunately, there were also droids and cameras.

Not to mention that when we easily bypassed the security server at the Emergency Exit Side Door to the Highly Restricted Area, we rushed right into a large number of dirty humans and rodians sifting spice grains.

BY THE STARS, I?M HUNGRY!!!!

Anyway, we attacked and knocked out everyone in the room in a very short time. But the security guards with the stun batons captured us easily.

We woke up in a room that had no windows, just a table in the center and a few seats. As usual, my snout could reach above table level, along with my eyes, but my mouth didn?t quite reach. Humans never consider different species are going to be sitting anywhere when they get their furniture.

Mr. Dreadstine came in in a suit, and with 2 security guards. He?s tall for a human. Outside of that, they all look alike to me. He explained that what we did was wrong, and that we shouldn?t go into restricted areas without permission. It?s bad and against the law.

So, I explained I did it for the Jedi, who said it was okay. I told him his name, Jaren, and gave a description. Since what I did was bad, I agreed I should pay the full punishment for my awful crime, because I believe everyone should. Garmush didn?t agree, so he?s not too happy right now.

Early on in my sentence, Jaren rushed in waving a glowing stick, which he was able to block blaster shots with, and he knocked out our guards. He told us that he doesn?t know how he was discovered, but he didn?t think it was okay to escape without getting us out too.

I, of course, told him he was a bad man who gets people in trouble, and I should do my time like an Ortolan!! He stared at me with a strange human face. His mouth hung open a little bit (probably hungry like me) and then he ran away.

But now I?m really hungry, and I almost think it might be a good idea to try and escape to get some food. I?ll come right back, of course. But I?m sure if Garmush and I put our minds to it, we can easily find a way out.

Wait, here comes Karina! I wonder if she has any food?..

 

Great Orto. Always thinkin' with your stomach.

 

Doesn't everybody?

 

3rd entry:
Finally a real meal!!!! I didn?t realize how used to Twinkies I was. We?re at a fine dining restaurant, and Garmush and Karina went to the freshers.

Apparently, according to Karina, the Jedi was right about the place, and I should never listen to Mr. Dreadstine. Well, I couldn?t possibly work for a criminal, so we decided to get the fleeb out of there!

She told the guards that Dreadstine wanted to see them. They believed her, because it seems that Karina is Dreadstine?s daughter. She knew the key code for the jail, but didn?t have the regular lock, so Garmush and I Bantha rushed the door and broke it down.

Since the alarms were going all around the place, we ran right for the emergency exits, stole someone?s speeder, and escaped. Karina said we can?t go back to my apartment, so we decided to come here to eat and talk over our next move. I?m still not quite sure why she helped us, when she knew about the spices all along. Hmmm.

I had to leave my trombone!! It?s so disappointing, as I had it especially made for my small reach! Not to mention that I had made some secret compartments in the case for storing food.

Wait, there seems to be some security people walking in. I wonder if they?re here for us. I?d better hide under the table.

Flarn! They?re heading to the table!!!! I?m going to have to do someth

 

"mouth hanging open" and then? AND THEN? come on more man more and thank you now I am craving twinkies

 

Reading this diary will not help one lose weight!

 

4th entry:
Wow, I am good!!! They thought they had me, but not a chance!!!

When the first guy reached under the table, I grabbed his hand and pulled hard! His head hit the corner of the table, and he was out cold. That?s when the others pulled out stun batons! I threw the table up in their direction and started to run towards the exit, dodging tables and waiters, throwing anything and everything I could reach behind me. Except any food I grabbed, of course. That went in my mouth!

The closest security guy, a Rodian, made a leap. He was assuming I?d keep running, so I stopped dead and thew a good punch right in his jaw. His own force knocked him out. I grabbed his stun baton, and the next one, a human, went down.

But the next guy hit me! ?and everything went blurry, but I only fell over. I think my adrenaline allowed me to shrug off the effects. That?s also when Garmush came out of the fresher. He saw me on the floor, and the human with the baton, and he just went berserk.

He slammed into that guy so hard that they both went through the window! The human dropped his baton, and slipped when he tried to get up in the rain. I guess Garmush was a little more ready for the stormy weather, and he hopped right up onto the guy and started wailing on him.

Karina came out of the fresher next, so I grabbed her and started running for our speeder. Her clothes got wet, and clung to her skinny figure. I was so disgusted, but believe me, I can hold onto my lunch.

Garmush screamed a curse at his already unconscious opponent, and ran to join us. Karina hit the controls and we flew through the heavy rain into the graying evening.

I didn?t know what we were going to do next, but I hoped for better weather.

 

yes orto-- you are so good...noone can catch you.

 

5th entry:
They didn?t give chase, but it still felt like one in the speeder. Karina drives like a maniac!

She decided to get us off planet, because she thinks Dreadstine will follow us wherever we go while we?re on Corellia. So we went to a Transport Service. I told Karina to let Garmush and I handle things, as her father might connect to her credit chip. But then we realized he probably would look for any of our chips! So we decided to steal a ship instead.

Which would be wrong with anyone?s ship, except for Dreadstine?s ! It?s always okay to steal from criminals, right?!

So we shoplifted some black clothing and face paint, and snuck up to the front gate of the Twinkie factory. The smell was intoxicating!

We were a sight to see in our stolen black clothes. The only thing in black we could find to fit Garmush?s immense size was a dress. A Gamorrean in a dress!! I?m too small, so I had a children?s shirt advertising a local Nerfball team put on inside out, and men?s boxer shorts. Karina found a maternity dress, giving her a little weight to her look, the only one of us that looked improved.

We waited until nightfall. Between the darkness and the stormy weather, we were easily able to sneak up to the gate. We took out the 2 guards quickly and easily with the Stun Batons we skeeved off of our attackers earlier. Garmush and I were able to hack into the system from there, and knock out most of the cameras to the outside.

We opened the gate and went up a fire escape to the roof, where Dreadstine keeps his private transport. There were no guards, as they expected security would see someone before anything could be stolen. And they would just send someone to the roof when it occurred. Without cameras, they were running to investigate the front gate, and were probably starting a search of the place, not expecting to check the roof early in their search.

Luckily, Karina knew the codes to get into the ship, which was named ?Warrior?, and was strangely painted white and black, with no real pattern as to where those colors were placed. I still don?t understand fully why Karina is helping us. Well, anyway, we took off, and are now on our way to Coruscant. It?s a busy planet, and we will be hard to find there.

 

LOL. I just got the "warrior" reference! My little pinto pony! Him's so cute!

I'm certian that orto will do the sage, calm thing in all situations.

 

this is hilarious! and very good!

no offense to celine's pinto (I'm a horse-lover myself) but i'm thinking they better give the Warrior a new paint job soon!

 

What a mix of competance, obsessive hunger, and slap stick you are Orto. Keep writing. I want to know what happens on Coruscant.

 

I predict that Orto will cause havoc, get hungry, cause more havoc, and eat something else.

 

6th Entry:

On the way to Coruscant, I changed the name of the ship and its codes, so it looked like everything was ours. The ship was now named the Hamburger Helper. I named it after a food made from an animal I saw on Corellia that had similar colorings to the ship. And, of course, the ship was very helpful. I don?t know why Karina thought it was so funny that I named the ship after a food item. Garmush thought it was a grand enough name.

So we landed at the capital city in Coruscant, where we used the names: Arto, Krina, and Garmoosh. Believe it or not, that would be sufficient for hiding our names. We?d still respond, but the different spellings would throw Dreadstine off in any kind of search.

After a meal, we decided to go to the Jedi Temple to let them know they were right about Dreadstine, and to offer our help. I?m writing this while waiting in the lobby outside they?re Jedi Council chambers. They sound like they?re having a loud argument with someone named CryGone Chin, or something. I can?t quite make out what they?re saying but it sounds heated, and it sounds like there?s a little boy in there trying to speak up, but all he gets out is, ?But?.? And then someone yells, ? Be quiet, Pottywan!? So I?m assuming that?s his name. Anyway, I?m hoping it doesn?t take too long. I?m hungry!

 

Poor CryGone. Maybe that's why he's so sad, he has arguments with people all the time. The council should be nice to him!

funniest update so far, weasley.

 

Be quiet, Pottywan!? So I?m assuming that?s his name

poor Obi-Wan!

this is great, arthur! loving it so far!

 

7th Entry:

I give up. I give up on the Jedi, and trying to make sense of what they say, as well as trying to explain anything to them. Let me review a little of what was said:

?Hello there, Mr. Crygone Chin. I hope things went well with your meeting.?
?Greetings, stranger. May the Force be with you.?
?No one?s forcing me to do anything. I?m here by choice.?
?Of course.?
?Is this young man named Pottywan??
?My name is Obi-Wan! And I?m a padawan!?
?A partyone??
?A padawan.?
?A pattybun??
?A padawan!?
?Pollywog??

Well, they stormed off. At first, I went in alone to speak with the council. There was a little green monster seated, along with a number of other aliens? none of which was an ortolan!

?Welcome. The Jedi Council we are. Yoda my name is.?
?Your name is?..?
?Yoda said I.?
?Um, sure. My name is Orto Lann. A human Jedi named Jaren was trying to-?
?Yes. Dreadstine. Hmmm? dealt with he soon shall be.?
?What??
?Soon, deal with Dreadstine we will.?
?Talk backwards you do.?
?Bother you does this??
?Yes. Why speak Basic backwards? I learned to speak it. I would think a Jedi sitting on a galactic council could learn it, too.?
?Speak it wrong YOU do. The only one who still speaks it correctly I am.?
?Believe what you want to believe. By the way, why am I here if you already know about Dreadstine??
?Sense the Force in you we do.?
?The Force??
?Yes, but untrained you are in its use.?
?I?m not forcing anyone to do anything. I was brought up to treat others with the same respect I receive.?
?No. The Force. All around us it is. Flows through you it does.?
?The only thing that flows through me is food.?
?How feel you??
?Hungry. And hot.?
?Mmmmm?. Angry are you. The Darkside this is.?
?I?m getting angry, and if you can?t see, turn the light up.?
?No. Your feelings ,manifest themselves in the Force they do. Hunger leads to greed. Greed leads to jealousy. Jealousy leads to anger. This is a path to the Darkside.?
?I give up.?
?Excuse me??
?I give up.?
?But not asked of you anything yet have I.?
?You mean you haven?t asked me to do anything yet.?
?Said that I did.?
?No, you didn?t.?
?Give up do I.?
?Exactly how I feel.?
?Please go in peace, and good luck in your endeavors I wish.?
?Huh? Never mind, I?m leaving. ?

I walked out, and Garmush told me that they took Karina away kicking and screaming. We ran back in to tell off the green monster and demand he release Karina, but he waved his hand, or paw, or whatever, and all of a sudden it made perfect sense to leave the building and dwell on the issue over lunch somewhere else.

We?re eating now, and we must find a way to save Karina.

 

*little felinoid cat-thing wanders over to Orto's journal*

"Mew!"

*gnaws on laptop, pulls power cord*

"brrrraew."

*goes back to terrorize Loch*

 

LOL! that was great! haha! Pottywan! still makes me grin!
how will they save Karina?! something tells me it will have to do with food...

 

Little green monster wanders over to Orto. "Update soon, you will."

And all the sudden it made perfect sense to post an update.

 

8th entry:

?We?ll need guns.?

That?s what Garmush, my Gamorrean friend said when I told him we should rescue Karina from the Jedi, who obviously had evil plans in mind for her. He said it so matter-of-factly, I didn?t even think to argue.

So we went in search of guns. It wasn?t too hard actually. We simply went to the deepest level of Coruscant that seemed reasonable, found some fixer types like us, bought them some drinks, and they were very open to letting us know a whole lot about the underground of Coruscant. In fact, one of them , a Twi-lek with a white rabbit tattooed to his shoulder, showed us the place and introduced us to the seller.

Now, even though we didn?t have a lot, Garmush and I ended up with more than enough guns and equipment to modify them. We know how to make good deals with these types. I find that if I reason with them, and sometimes just wave my hand in front of them to distract them from reasonable arguments, that they usually give me what I want.

So, Garmush covered himself head to toe with guns, wearing a long coat to cover them until needed. I really didn?t have any place to hide guns, so I bought-get this-?.a trombone with case!! I modified it to look like a regular case, but hidden underneath the trombone was a secret compartment that would lift when I hit it just right, and then I would have all I needed. I also set it up so I could shoot a blaster out the front of the case by hitting a trigger on the handle.

So then we went on our mission?.. to the temple!