Saga - OT Dexter's Dabbles with Idiosyncratic Imperials (2023 holiday gift-fic for Chyntuck)

Title: Dexter's Dabbles with Idiosyncratic Imperials
Author: gizkaspice
Timeframe: Sometime during the Return of the Jedi
Characters: Dexter Jettster and various
Summary: Dexter Jettster gets some peculiar customers in his diner for a birthday party for a special someone while Rebel spies get the information they were not looking for but now that they know it, don't know how they lived without it.

This is my entry for @Chyntuck's holiday gift and here is the prompt I was given:

"A story where Dexter Jettster has to put up with a large party of Imperial customers in his diner while Rebel operatives are hiding/conspiring in the backroom"

I hope I did justice and you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Happy Holidays and New year!


Dex's diner was awfully quiet on a typically busy Coruscant evening. That was because he was expecting a large crowd that made a reservation for the entire evening. As he wiped his hands on his apron after finishing decorating the ordered orange Sic-Six-Layer cake, he looked upon the large mountain of a cake that he could only describe as a masterpiece. Accompanied by cat-themed decorations, orange sparkles and a "Happy Birthday Miss M", the cake was several feet tall. He hoped his Imperial customers would be happy and not shut down his diner.

Dexter was now preparing his diner for the booked birthday party. Since the Galactic Empire takeover of Coruscant, Dex's diner remained in tact---for now--if only because of the existence of the new and improved Sic-Six-layer cake that now came in different orange hues which sparked an order for an even larger and more grand variation he finished just now. Orange was a big deal colour for the Galactic Empire for reasons he was not clear on. Yet.

Tonight, he was expecting over 50 Imperials and that was a little daunting. One or two were enough for him during the day time; they would always order and do the same thing: shawda club sandwiches and coffee, talk about their vacation plans, complain about work, and leave with a generous tip. Somewhere down the pipeline, word got out about his diner to the Emperor. Was it because of the billboard outside that said, "The best food this side of the Senate District!"? or was it that cat wobble figures he decided to put near the entrances that suddenly brought in a lot of unexpected customers?

"If business ever falls, remember that cats bring people in," he remembered Maz Kanata's words decades ago after she gave him the wobbling cat figures. "People like cats. Cats are cute, but also very manipulative. That's why they make the best salespeople!"

"Well, whattaya know?" the Besalisk mumbled to himself as he glanced to the figures. "The old pirate queen was right!" Now he began wondering what would happen if he replaced his billboard with a cat?

No time to think about that---they were already here. He greeted the Imperials with a friendly smile, concealing any hint of uneasiness. "Welcome! Take a seat, fellas. Let me know what I can rustle up for you before the grand event. So.....who's the birthday boy....or girl..or....other?"

Before anyone could answer his question, a pack of stormtroopers holding orange cat-themed balloons entered the diner followed by another few Imperial officers holding miniature orange cat-themed cupcakes that had miniature cat-themed cat-shaped sprinkles arranged in the face of a cat, whiskers and all. And they were loud, chattering away about cat-themed topics.

"Well.....whatt--a--ya......... know," the Besalisk whispered almost in defeat to himself. They had booked his diner for 8 hours and, under strict direction, nobody was allowed to use the restrooms even though they were right there, free for all. This was going to be a long and miserable night.

"Millicent rules!" shouted a random stormtrooper waving a balloon and wearing an orange baseball cap.

Admiral Piett turned to the stormtrooper. "Save your enthusiasm when the star comes and don't utter her name. This is a surprise party for the Emperor's cat."

"A cat's birthday party! How cute!" interrupted Dexter, ever trying to show his customer kindness, even though he was against everything they believed in. It was none of his business to interfere in the matters of the Empire. "The little mouser is how old...?"

"She's an older cat, but she checks out," said Admiral Piett with a nod.

"Al' right," said Dexter, scratching his head, whatever that meant. "You'll be needing napkins and stuff?"

"Yes, please. We ordered cat-themed napkins. Did you not follow through the orders?"

Dexter gulped--somewhere down that order pipeline, those napkins must have been missed by his workers. He signaled to his waitress droid to fetch the napkins right away. These Imperials meant serious business.

"Millicent rules!" shouted a stormtrooper again.

"Pipe down, you fool," warned Piett.

"Sir, that's all he ever says," said another stormtrooper with a shrug. "We tried to slap him out of it but he's on autopilot."

Piett sighed and turned to the idiot stormtrooper. "You scream her name when she arrives with the Emperor but no sooner. Is that clear?" He was petting his own cat, or rather the late Admiral Ozzel's cat, a rare breed of Caridan Angora whom he named Mr. Admiral Peanut. He also finally fixed his allergy issues through exposure therapy and could enjoy the wonders of cat in all its glory.

Meanwhile, whispers lingered in the backroom of Dexter's kitchen. A group of Rebels had secretly barged into the diner, knowing that a crowd of Imperials were scheduled for the evening. Here, they conspired to record everything they heard to the Rebel Alliance on the forest moon of Endor. They were sure that Leia Organa would find all their data useful to plan a counterattack on the Imperials on Coruscant.

"Record everything. And I mean everything."

"That guy who screams "Millicent rules!", too?"

"Especially that guy....he must be the mastermind behind this all."

"Hush! The Emperor has just arrived!"

Suddenly, there was singing that echoed throughout the diner. An orange cat was brought in by the Emperor. "For she's a jolly good lady, for she's a jolly good lady! For she's a jolly good laaddyyyyy--"

"....who will leave surprises in our shoes!" shouted a stormtrooper.

The Rebels peeked out through the key hole and saw the stormtrooper being thrown out of the diner for the insulting remark. "Oh..my...It's a cat. It's a cat's birthday party. And the Emperor is there and Vader is there and they all have cats and it's so weird--"

"Here's the birthday girl," said Emperor Palpatine as he gracefully set his orange cat, Millicent the First, upon her Throne chair and an orange light illuminated her beauty and grace and a stormtrooper fainted.

"Happy birthday, Millicent!"

"MILLICENT RULES!"

Admiral Piett secretly rolled his eyes. Mr. Admiral Peanut was of the highest class of a cat while Millicent was just a tabby ginger cat, found in the streets of Coruscant decades ago. He saw Millicent sit in her Imperial-style cat dress and small hat proudly and blow a raspberry at him. That cat was evil; he knew it well.

"Hey there, what's your name?" asked the Emperor, pulling down his cat-shaped sunglasses and eyeing the Besalisk floating around trying to juggle extra multiple cat-themed Sic-Six-Layer cake orders.

"It's Dexter Jettster, your greatness," said Dexter with a respectful bow, still holding the cakes in all four arms

"Dexter, my man, I'd like to order a caf with whipped cream and those little caramel sprinkles on top. Bonus points if the little caramel sprinkles are cat-shaped."

Caf with cream and caramel sprinkles? Nobody in decades ordered anything that fancy. All his customers always ordered plain caf. "Right away!"

"And don't skip the extra sprinkles!" yelled the Emperor after him and then leaned back in his chair, petting the orange cat. "Millicent is such a good girl. The Empire's finest rodent control agent. The dark side flows in her. Good, good. Let it flow. Now blow out the candles, dear, and make a wish."

Millicent sneezed at the candle and blew it out.

"Aww," said a random officer. "I bet she wished to take over the Galaxy."

"Like any good cat would want to," said Palpatine. "Cats are naturally attracted to the Dark Side."

Meanwhile, back in the backroom, the Rebels whispered amongst themselves as they tried to understand what was happening. "What's going on out there?"

"Get this: they're celebrating Palpatine's cat's birthday party and dressed her up in this cute little Imperial uniform with a little hat."

"....Palpatine has a cat?"

"Vader has a cat, too."

"Alright, what else is going on now?"

"They're arguing about a cat's butt."

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Lord Vader, I think that cat is actually male," commented an officer. "Those things look like---"

The officer suddenly grabbed his throat, gasping for air as he fell to the ground.

"Listen, Vader, you can't keep choking people just because they tell you your cat's a boy," said Palpatine. "Clearly those are testicles and you just should accept it and move on."

"But my Master, Blacky is a girl. I have sensed it!"

"Vader, we talked about this...." Palpatine sighed, stroking the soft orange fur of his kitty cat. "Why do I feel like I will be dealing with this same issue in the future but with a different idiot with a black cat?"

"Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow," said Millicent, rolling her eyes. She sat in her Imperial-style cat dress and small hat proudly and made sure it didn't attract any dirt or food scraps.

"Absolutely, your descendants will also have to deal with idiots," agreed the Emperor, face-palming. "Sorry, sweetie. It's the circle of life....or some running gag. I don't know anything anymore."

After 8 hours of watching cat slideshows with no washroom break, Dexter was delighted when finally the party crowd left; but in their departure, his diner was filled with balloons, cat hair, and he almost stepped into a hairball.

The backroom of his kitchen suddenly burst open and the Rebels spilled out one by one.

"You folks owe me one, you know that, right?" said Dexter as he eyed them. He had nothing against them hiding: his diner was a sanctuary for those seeking refuge or plotting against the Empire.

"Sure do, Dex," said the Rebels. "We'll tell Leia to send you a generous tip provided the Empire doesn't blow us up first."

He watched one of them step into another hairball as they left. Another picked up Millicent's shedding as evidence against.....something or other? A third took the leftover cat-shaped cupcakes into a reusable container for later. Darth Vader forgot his black cat, Blacky, who was now in the hands of the Rebels. That was a story for another time.

"The tip box is full!" cried Hermione Bagwa who was still happily employed as a waitress.

Putting up with all this nonsense seemed worth it at the end.

******
Notes:
1. Admiral Ozzel's cat was mentioned in @Chyntuck's The Whispurr Omnibus
2. Yes, you should read Palpatine's voice in Robot Chicken style

 

@gizkaspice Purrfect gift for Chyntuck and the rest of us with your usual hilarity ... Caf with extra sprinkles of caramel and cream is actually scrumptious. I wonder what Imperial prize the Rebels actually got LOL besides Blacky.

 

Oh. My. Goodness. @gizkaspice only you could come up with this story. Thanks to you I started 2024 with an uncontrollable fit of giggles, and I'm extremely grateful for that.

Just from the summary I knew that this story would make me laugh, but I didn't expect this!

I was wondering whose birthday it would be when I started reading, and the references t "Miss M" and the colour orange were my first clue. At the same time, I wonder if Dex knew what kind of customers he'd attract with the cat wobble figures (recommended by none other than Maz Kanata ). Maybe he would have made a different choice if he did, but hey, the tip box was full!

And here we go, Millicent's ancestor is the birthday girl (and it's good to know that there are no restroom breaks for Millicent the First either – kinda emphasises the idea that the ST is a derivative). Also, loved the fact that "She's an older cat, but she checks out."

And Whispurr! And Blacky! This is the big cat get-together in the OT era, and it's interesting to see that Blacky is already here... He's probably been good at managing these nine lives of his, and escaping Vader was probably a good first step to ensure his longevity.

I laughed so hard with the Rebels' bafflement in the back room. They're trying to be pros and record everything, and to understand who is the "mastermind behind this all", but seriously, they don't stand a chance.

Robot Chicken cat-ified Palpatine ordering his caf with cat-shaped caramel sprinkles may sound crazy, but he's actually the only reasonable explanation for the existence of the gizka-verse.

There you have it. I think you and I need to co-author a story where Furnando and Clawdia come and visit their descendants in the GFFA. There's an entire philosophical dimension with the Ashla and the Bogan that I feel we've left underdeveloped.

&

Who does, really?Ah, the dark side, the dark siders, and cats... There's an entire essay to write here.

Cue a very puzzled Leia trying to make sense of the "evidence"... However, now we know how Blacky came to be in her service, and I've already read the story for another time

Thank you so much for this awesome fic-gift! I can think of no better way to start the new year, and I'm counting on it to keep me grinning for the next twelves months. Happy 2024 to you too!

 

The CATS rule. Purrfect for a catlaxy fur fur away and fur fun for a furrompt dealing Chyntuck

 

Thank you! I'm glad you think so. Well, they got leftover cupcakes if that counts as a prize

You are very welcome and I'm glad you liked it and it made you laugh. I tried to incorporate everything you asked for in the prompt but not gonna lie--it was challenging, especially after not writing SW for a while!

I tried to make it a mystery (it was hard!) but glad you got the first clue. I'm sure if Dex knew, he might have not put out that cat figure but it did end up bringing in the money at the end

The First Order definitely took inspiration from that I also couldn't resist taking Piett's quote of a code checking out and applying it to a cat...however that make sense!

I was thinking about Whispurr from your stories for some reason and thought she would be a great addition to include since OT Imperials having cats only makes sense since the First Order has cats--gotta keep up the tradition! And Piett also apparently not only changed Whispurr's name but also her gender which is another story altogether.

Also, Blacky is actually the ancestor of Blackie (Kylo's cat). There's also Blacky2 the very tiny grandparent of Blackie who resides in Boba Fett's helmet, and somewhere down the pipeline also a Blacky^2. I think at this point I should make a family history linage or whatever in the fandom thread

Adding the Rebels conspiring part was so hard---I must have had at least 10 different rewrites because I wasn't sure how to balance everything out! But glad you liked it And yes, they don't stand a chance at all---they didn't even know what they were up against in the first place!

Robot Chicken Palpy is the only Palpy I consider canon. Everything else is just one of his pickled clones

I would love to co-author a story like that with you! Sign me up

Right-Hand Cat is a trope after all!

You're very welcome! I'm glad you liked it and thank you for the wonderful prompt! I never really wrote anything in the OT area so this was a good way to get out of my comfort zone and try something new I'm also glad to hear that this story started off your new year in a great way. Happy New Year and stay awesome!

Thanks for reading! I see @Chyntuck 's cat puns are contagious (no complaints here though!)

 

Late replies! (like...really late)

Thank you so much for your comment, Finds! @Chyntuck 's request was just TOO good not to add cats or crazy stuff into it. I have to give credit for Dex being so professional (but I'm sure he has extensive experience in customer service and well...customers can be...downright bizzare for anyone who works in the food industry). Blacky absolutely had to be included--how else would future Kylo Ren have a cat? And we all know he takes about his grandpa so...the stupid runs strong in the family when it comes to cats

Thanks for jumping in! Enjoy breathing in the cat hair

My personal opinion of cats now is all cats are Sauron basically

Millicent absolutely would not want to be described as cute and would take great offense for sure!

Yeah I don't think Leia would be impressed, but she would probably predict it given she would know the Imperial obsession with cats.

Thanks again for reading/commenting and it was an honour to participate!