Before - Legends "Echo of Darkness", (KotOR) Chapter 3 UPDATE,"Escape"

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by gaarastar58, Dec 19, 2010.

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  1. gaarastar58

    gaarastar58 Jedi Master star 3

    Dec 19, 2010
    Twenty years after the events of KotOR II, as the Galaxy struggles to rebuild after the double impact of the Mandalorian Wars and the Jedi Civil war, Republic officers and newly re-founded Jedi hold fiercely onto the tenious control of the Republic. Rival factions compete for power in the senate and the Jedi face an uncertain future as they face the demons of thier past.

    The main characters of this story are Jedi; Master Oran Kal Duron is a highly respected archaeologist, tasked with tracking down ancient Jedi, and Sith, secrets. Fionn Katarm is a young jedi initiate, a Mandalorian who finds life at the Jedi Temple difficult at best. Through the eyes of master and student, we see how the Jedi (Mostly OC's but quite a few familiar faces will be popping up) struggle to rebuild the Order and the Republic, as well as try to come to terms with their own actions dring the Wars.

    Advice and helpful critisism encouraged!

    Prologue to "Echo of Darkness":


    ?All turbolaser batteries fire at will! I want that fragging frigate out of my sky now!? screamed Captain Streye. Around him, the bridge crew struggled to comply, but the noxious smoke from a damaged plasma relay made it hard to see and breathe. Another blast rocked the ship and several crew members staggered, clutching at their consoles for support.

    Lieutenant Rico Josef wasn?t so lucky and, losing his footing, fell, cracking his head sharply on the deckplates as he did. Swearing to himself he struggled to his feet, thinking back to the day he?d graduated from the Republic Academy on Coruscant. His instructors had commended him on his efficiency, and had told him that a job working at fleet HQ would be of much greater service than becoming a junior officer on a warship. After two months of dodging missiles and ion cannons, he was starting to wish he?d taken the desk job. It might not be glamorous. But it was safe.

    ?Stop lying around Mr Josef, I need that damn comm unit back online 30 seconds ago!? spat the Captain. ?And do up your bloody tunic, what do you think this is, a garbage ship??

    ?Aye sir,? replied Josef, hurriedly fastening the buttons of his uniform up. His instructors had always said his lack of care would get him into trouble on board a real starship, but he never thought he would have been rebuked right in the middle of a battle. He scurried to the aft of the bridge where several crewmen were trying to extinguish a small fire. Opening a control hatch he got to work on re-routing the ships communications, which had been down since the unidentified ship had opened fire on them without warning.
    The Republic Cruiser Dauntless had been patrolling one of the core hyperspace routes when they?d received a garbled distress signal from a Mandalorian transport. The crew had been reluctant to help at first, after all, it wasn?t that long since the Manadalorians had been at war with them, but the Captain had decided to investigate. He?d fought in the wars and knew all the Mandalorian tricks.
    They?d arrived to find that the Mandalorian ship was under attack from a larger ship, probably pirates or hyperspace raiders. They obviously hadn?t appreciated being interrupted because before the Dauntless could open up a channel, they had opened fire and crippled several of the ships major systems. Half the bridge crew had been killed in the initial barrage and Josef had found himself manning the communications console. At first he was thrilled at the chance to prove himself, but as the minutes had dragged by and the raiders had inflicted more damage on them, he?d begun to wonder how temporary his promotion would be.

    ?Where are my ruddy communications??

    ?Just a moment sir, I?m having trouble with the auxiliary-?

    ?I don?t care how you do it, just get it done! Helm, bring us around to course 1, 8 mark five, twenty degrees starboard rotation,? ordered Captain Streye. ?Let?s show these pirate scum what a Republic ship can do!?

    Josef managed to re-activate the comm unit in time to turn and watch a double line of emerald turbolaser fire lance into the raider?s
  2. LaForzaViva

    LaForzaViva Jedi Knight star 1

    Jul 6, 2008
    Hey, this is a great start! I love a good space battle to start off a story - really reminds me of the beginning to KotOR. Already some interesting characters and hints at their personalities and pasts, so I'm looking forward to your next chapter.

    And welcome to the boards, I see that you've just recently signed up. Just a few suggestions, if I may?

    One good thing to do is to put up a brief synopsis/abstract at the beginning of when/where/who. If you click on the link in my signature, you'll see an example of one of those. Others are located in: [link=]Completed Story Index - Before the Saga Forums[/link]. That's a good place to see how people sort of intro their story with those little synopses.

    The other place to go is [link=]The Fan Fiction Resource Forum[/link] to see the FAQ and others. If you've read all that, great! If not, it's a good place to see the rules the boards have.

    And just one suggestion for your story - it helps the readers if you put spaces between each paragraph. Since transferring from Microsoft Word/other programs doesn't format the same way with tabs, italics, bolds, etc. it helps us to put breaks between each paragraph to ease the flow of where new paragraphs/dialogue lines start. Good start and welcome again!
  3. gaarastar58

    gaarastar58 Jedi Master star 3

    Dec 19, 2010
    Thanks LaForzaViva for your helpful comments!

    I bashed out this story a couple of days ago and this is the first time I've put any of my writing on a forum like this. Insightfull guidence, advice and ideas on how to improve are most welcome, one of the reasons why I decided to post in the first place!

    This is part of a prologue of a (hopefully) much longer story, so expect to see more soon!

    Will take a advice on paragraph spacing and intro.

  4. JediDingo

    JediDingo Jedi Master star 3

    Mar 27, 2005
    Nice title. ;)
  5. LaForzaViva

    LaForzaViva Jedi Knight star 1

    Jul 6, 2008
    Hah, JediDingo you would say that.

    Also to gaarastar: you updated more in that prologue inside of the original post, correct? Another helpful tip: often when people update, they just do a new post as another chapter, though since this appears to be a continuation of the prologue I understand why you updated inside the original post. But yeah, new posts for new chapters alerts the readers that you've updated.

    The other thing, that I'm going to request, is for a PM list. What that means is when you update with a new post/significant edits, anyone on the PM list (they ask to be put on) wants you to send a private message when the story is updated. That's easy to do - click Private Messages, New Messages, then write it to each person who asks, and send it away. And only people who ask - don't send it to all the readers, because that's considered spamming I think? So yup just another tip.

    And I take it this little Mandalorian is going to be our future Jedi? Intriguing!
  6. gaarastar58

    gaarastar58 Jedi Master star 3

    Dec 19, 2010

    Will add you to PM list. I wanted to make the prologue more complete and I also changed a few names here and there, (Lt Josef was origionally called Pegasus, but I didn't like using his first name in what is strictly a military mission) as well as a few minor changes to the first part, so I decided to put it all together as a whole.

    The Mandalorian child will be making an appearence very soon, but look out for the rest as well (I can't waste the insane Captain Streye after all...)

  7. gaarastar58

    gaarastar58 Jedi Master star 3

    Dec 19, 2010
    Chapter 1:


    Six Years Later

    Fionn Katarm hated getting up. He hated it almost as much as going to bed in the first place, and he said so often. This often got him in trouble with his Jedi instructors who told him just as frequently that hatred was of the dark side. Fionn?s usual response to this was usually short, rude, and more often than not earned him extra time in the disciplinary wing, meditating for hours on end with decrepit Master Chin. At the end of each session the aged Jedi Master would always ask him if he had learned his lesson, and Fionn would always reply that yes, of course he had and he would never, ever do it again. A few days later he was usually back for another round of meditation.

    So the chiming of the morning temple bells did little more than annoy Fionn, who rolled over and pulled the blankets over his head. A soft knocking at his door did even less to improve his mood. He tried ignoring it but eventually the knocking became so insistent that he had to answer.

    ?Who is it? What do you want?? he moaned.

    The door swung open and Sakora crept into the room. ?It?s time to get up!? she said haughtily.

    ?Says who??

    ?The bells say it?s time to get up!? giggled the little girl, reaching over and poking Fionn hard in the back.

    ?You?d better watch out? warned Fionn.

    ?Watch out for what??

    ?Don?t you know that bells wake up sleeping RANCORS!? roared Fionn, exploding out of his bed and grabbing the tiny youngling. He stood on the bed and held her upside down while she giggled helplessly. ?I wonder what I should do with you. Should I gobble you up for breakfast??

    ?Oh, no, please don?t eat me,? squealed Sakora.

    ?Well then, maybe I should tickle you!? he yelled, dropping her on the bed. The little girl screamed and dived off the bed, taking most of the blankets with her. Fionn tried to chase after her but slipped on a datapad and fell flat on his back, and lay still.

    Sakora, pretending now to be a puppy, snuffled up to his pone body. ?Fionn, wake up, it?s time for training!? she peeped. He didn?t stir. Tentatively she reached out and flicked his ear, something she knew would wind him up but still he made no move. ?Stop playing around, it?s time to get up. I know you?re not dead.?

    Once again she flicked his ear. Then putting her mouth right up close she shouted ?I know you?re not dead!?

    Fionn jumped up, rubbing his head, ?What gave me away??

    ?You always do that, that?s what gave you away,? replied the little girl, rolling her eyes. ?You?d better hurry up. Master Chin is getting everybody together for an early breakfast. He says we have to put on our best uniforms as well.?


    Once more Sakora rolled her eyes, this time even more dramatically. ?Don?t be silly Fionn, I know you know. It?s the Apprentice Tournament today. You should know, you?re entered in it aren?t you??

    Fionn shrugged. ?I guess so. Master Bullrouar said I should give it a go.?

    ?Well, what are you waiting for then? Get dressed and come and meet us down stairs for breakfast. Come on slowcoach,? trilled Sakora, dancing out the door with Fionn?s blanket still wrapped around her shoulders.

    For some minutes, Fionn surveyed his room. Master Chin, the Guardian of Young Jedi had long since given up asking him to keep it clean, judging that Fionn would do so when it suited him. The life of a Jedi was supposed to be one of passionate devotion to life and order. One of the lessons taught to initiates at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant was that cleanliness and organisation was a sure path to the force. Fionn had tried this for a while and found that his connection to the force remained stubbornly slender. The small dormitory was littered with dirty clothes, stacks of the small datapads which trainee Jedi studied from and other sundry bits and pieces. But having an untidy room wasn?t the only thing which made him different to his fellow Jedi, as a glance in the small mirror mounted on his wardrobe confirmed. Ever since he had been brought to Coruscant, ever since he had
  8. sdhfs

    sdhfs Jedi Master star 4

    May 22, 2004

    Great story so far, keep it up :)
  9. LaForzaViva

    LaForzaViva Jedi Knight star 1

    Jul 6, 2008
    Nothing like a good tournament to start off! So Fionn is our Mandalorian friend. And I'm going to be glad to see Streye again, he was great. Until next time!
  10. gaarastar58

    gaarastar58 Jedi Master star 3

    Dec 19, 2010

    Chapter 2:


    Much of what Fionn remembered of the Mandalorian ways was lost, viewed through the wide innocent eyes of a four year old. But he remembered the battle circle. Even as a young boy he could remember cheering for his father as he fought to maintain his combat skills, to demonstrate his skills as a warrior, finally standing over his defeated opponent, arms raised to the sky in victory.

    ?Mandálii kote, su'van ca'atrë!? he would bellow, a cry that was taken up by all the spectators. Mandalorian glory, our strength unmatched.

    So when Fionn stepped into the arena for his first match of the tournament, he felt the rushing surge of adrenaline fill his body. This was where he belonged. He was pleased to find that his first opponent was to be Roury, the Iridonian boy who had mocked him in the refectory. The rules of the tournament made it very clear that it was not a place for personal vendettas to be played out, but Fionn was looking forward to wiping the smug smile off Roury?s face.

    ?Remember the blade comes out this end,? the Iridonian mocked as they stepped forward and bowed to each other, the ancient custom if duellists.

    ?That?s the end you need to worry about,? Fionn replied. After first bowing to each other they then turned and bowed to the members of the Jedi Council, before stepping apart and taking up a fighting position. The tinkling chime of a bell was the signal to begin.

    Roury moved first, spinning his lightsaber in a series of wide arcs he came straight for Fionn, who sidestepped the swinging blade and cut low, hoping to get an early burn. The Iridonian, realising he was being over confident, leapt high and spun to face his opponent.

    A vicious double kick in the ribs sent him crashing to the floor before he had completed his leap. ?You ought to keep your feet on the ground,? laughed Fionn. He cocked his lightsaber to one side and grinned. Only then did Roury feel the prickling sensation on his left shoulder where the others lightsaber had brushed him.

    ?First burn to Initiate Katarm,? Bullrouar informed the gathered Jedi.

    Flipping to his feet, Roury charged once again, hoping to catch his opponent off guard, launching a rapid succession of lunges and slashes. Fionn deflected the attacks with ease and pressed forward with a series of counter strikes, forcing Roury backwards. For some moments the two junior Jedi battled furiously, neither one gaining a significant advantage until Fionn spun around and threw a crushing roundhouse kick to the belly, knocking all the wind out of the Iridonian and catapulting him backwards, but not before a second burn blossomed across his chest.

    ?Second burn to Initiate Katarm.?

    Fionn didn?t follow up his attack immediately, allowing a moment for his opponent to get to his feet. This was a struggle for Roury, with all the wind knocked out of him; he staggered and had to throw out an arm to support himself. The burns from Fionn?s blade sent waves of agonising pain down his left side. Although the training sabers were not meant to be deadly, they still extremely painful when you got hit by one. Pain was part of a Jedis life, and even from a young age their training reminded them of that.

    Approaching more cautiously this time, Roury held his blade in a neutral position, ready to either attack or defend. Fionn spun his lightsaber around, reversing the blade before going on the offensive with a series of devastating slashes. Roury was caught off guard be the speed and ferocity of the attack and barely managed to counter. Clearly Kyph had been exaggerating when he said this kids combat skills were only average.

    Swinging his blade in a high two handed arc, Fionn exposed his left side and Roury plunged forward, smashing his lightsaber into Fionn?s ribs. Too late he felt the harsh pain as Fionn?s own blade swept down and caught him in the side of the neck.

    Roury blacked out for a moment. When he came to both Master Bullrouar and Fionn were kneeling over him, their faces concerned. ?What happened?? he asked stupidly.

    ?I thi
  11. gaarastar58

    gaarastar58 Jedi Master star 3

    Dec 19, 2010
    Chapter 3


    He?d been ordered to stay in his room and, to enforce the point, the Jedi Knight who had escorted him there had locked the door. But something as simple as a lock couldn?t keep a Jedi, even a failed Jedi, in one place for very long and Fionn didn?t fancy waiting around in his room for his inevitable punishment. He paced around the tiny room, the brutal events of the past hour finally beginning to sink in. He saw again the shocked and terrified expression on little Ryon?s face before his fist had smashed it beyond recognition.

    This would be his last evening in the Jedi Temple. The thought churned inside him, overwhelming his entire existence. The Order was all he had known for seven years, the temple had been his home, and he had destroyed it all in one moment of anger. The bitter taste of rage remained, the surge of power still barely tangible on the edges of his perception. He had wanted to kill Ryon, he now realised. If Master Bullrouar hadn?t stopped him with his sleeper technique, he probably would have. As soon as he had calmed down, he had asked how the boy was. The answer he got from the Knight who had brought him to his room hadn?t been encouraging.

    Recalling now every single brutal blow, Fionn thought it was a minor miracle that he hadn?t killed the boy outright. He hadn?t dared to look at the faces of his fellow Jedi as he was led away. Their shame and disgust was palpable in the air. Even with his limited force abilities, he could tell what they were all thinking; the Mandalorian had failed, this time for good. The expression on Roury's face as he passed him was one of shocked disbelief, and horror; horror that a Jedi could do such a thing.

    But you?re not only a Jedi, are you? -the Mandalorian inside him whispered.

    Falling on the bed, Fionn tried to find his way through to the force, the way Master Chin had tried to show him so many times. He probably should have listened to the old Jedi a little more, because the force stubbornly left him alone. Perhaps it was angry with him too.

    Somewhere in the back of his mind he began to wonder what would happen to him when he was expelled. Would the Order simply throw him out the door? Would he be put on trial for murder? Black thoughts tumbled through his mind, insistent and urgent. Where could he go? Would he be sent to live in a government orphanage? The prospect didn?t thrill him. For a moment he thought about Duxn, the planet of his birth. He remembered very little about it, just the smell of rotting vegetation and the angry howls of the beasts in the jungle outside camp.

    Would the Mandalorians accept him? By blood he was one of them but, apart from the most basic rudiments of their language, he knew next to nothing about their culture. Then there were the circumstances in which he and his father had left Duxn under. No, there would be no welcome for him there, not for the bastard son of the Damned. Perhaps he would simply die cold and alone on Coruscants streets. He?d disobeyed the laws of the Jedi Order, used the dark side against a fellow initiate. His fate was sealed.

    He certainly couldn?t stay here.

    Soon he would be summoned before the Council and they would pass judgement on him, exile him. He had heard that they were even capable of stripping the force away from someone. Once more he looked at the locked door. Why wait? He asked himself. Wouldn?t it be better to simply disappear? If he left now he could be gone before anybody even noticed he was missing. Running away now would also mean he would not have to face the wrath of the Council, and worse still the disappointed eyes of his fellow Jedi.

    That was it then, he would run away.

    But it was easier said than done. First he made himself look inconspicuous, throwing aside his blue tunic and pulling on a tattered and stained jumpsuit which he wore when he was helping out the engineers in the hanger bay. He also filled a small pack with various items; first aid kit and ration capsules, although most of the Jedi?s ships would probably have an emer
  12. LaForzaViva

    LaForzaViva Jedi Knight star 1

    Jul 6, 2008
    Good updates! Reminds me of a scene in "Fight Club", what he did to Ryon.

    Keep up the good work, still got a reader here!
  13. SoA

    SoA Jedi Knight star 3

    Apr 2, 2008
    Nice little twists and turns there, characters doing things I didn't expect. This is a fascinating start! Please do add me to your PM list.
  14. Shillani

    Shillani Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jan 9, 2011
    Good story! I like your characters, especially Oran Kal. It would be great if you could add me to the PM list. Write on!
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