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Episode 3: Balcony scene rewrite

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Ditolus, Jan 29, 2014.

  1. Ditolus

    Ditolus Jedi Grand Master star 2

    Jan 22, 2005
    The dialogue during the rots balcony scene between anakin and padme is quite simply awful. I rewrote the scene to take advantage of foreshadowing.

    Anakin: You are so Beautiful

    Padme: That's only because I'm so in love

    Anakin smiles. Padme smiles back, pauses, and looks away from Anakin momentarily

    Padme: Have you thought of a name?

    Anakin: No...

    he gives her a wry smile

    Anakin: have

    Padme: I've always liked, Leia

    Anakin: Leia...

    Anakin ponders a moment and playfully mocks her

    Anakin: ...and if it's a boy?

    Padme glances down holding her belly

    Padme: Luke

    Anakin strides over to padme staring at her mid-section. He reaches out with his hand and touches her belly.

    Anakin: Luke son.

    Padme gently places her finger underneath Anakin's chin and raises his head so he is now staring at her.

    Padme: Our son.

    -dissolve to the nightmare sequence-
  2. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    Nice bit of foreshadowing. =D= =D= A natural conversation between prospective parents, also. You would expect them to think up names. :)
  3. SithHorseman

    SithHorseman Jedi Master star 1

    Feb 22, 2002
    That's an improvement. Although that's not saying much. ;)

    I'd follow it up with deleting the nightmare sequence.
    Nyota's Heart likes this.