Saga - ST Erosion - OC New Republic soldiers, OC Challenge entry, 3/6/20, one-shot

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Thumper09, Mar 5, 2020.

  1. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Title: Erosion
    Author: Thumper09
    Characters: OC New Republic soldiers
    Timeframe: during TFA
    Summary: Four New Republic soldiers try to escape a hostile world.
    Notes: This is my entry for the Winter 2020 OC Thread Challenge, "Search Your Feelings." My assigned emotion was "Desperation."

    (Aug. 2021 edit: A few more stories about these characters can be found in "Comes with the Territory".)

    Constructive criticism is welcome. Star Wars is owned by Disney, etc. etc.


    A bolt of red lightning seared through the thick grey clouds of the planet Thule, sending an eerie, flickering light over the windblown landscape. Silhouettes of tall, natural rock spires flashed briefly into existence before being thrown back into the twilight gloom. The closest spire was too far away to tell if any of the native bioluminescent moss was growing on it, but even if it was, its feeble glow wouldn’t have done more than act as a dim, fuzzy spot of attempted hope in this depressive atmosphere.

    The wind was picking up, blowing the fine-grit sand like pinprick torpedoes into the four grey-clad beings as they marched doggedly on. In the front, considered their leader more in the New Republic military database than within the egalitarian confines of the team, Inga Sellen shielded her eyes and hoped that Relpoek wasn’t going to get blown away before they made it to their rendezvous.

    She checked her chrono. Fifteen minutes until their pickup transport would arrive. And it would be just in time, too. They’d far overstayed their welcome on this Force-forsaken rock, and she expected their pursuers to catch up with them at any moment.

    The footsteps of the others behind her were muffled by the sand and the wind, so she glanced back to make sure everyone was still there. As she expected, Relpoek, the green Toydarian medic, was having trouble flying in this increasingly strong wind. His deceptively light body wasn’t doing him any favors now. His wings were flapping furiously, and he was needing to hold on to and be towed along by Grawurra, their black-furred Wookiee sniper. Sellen pulled an energy bar out of her belt pouch and passed it back to Grawurra, who understood the intent and in turn handed it to Relpoek. It was one of their last ration bars, but Relpoek always needed them to compensate for his high metabolism.

    Grawurra was also helping Telnak hobble through the shifting sand. Telnak Daux was their Quarren pilot-– Sellen felt the best pilots by far were the ones whose species were hard-wired to think and move in three dimensions-– and she was squinting through the blowing sand, scanning the thick clouds above, searching for their arriving pickup shuttle as she kept a hand pressed hard to her injured side.

    The four of them called themselves the AT-STs, short for “All-Terrain Sneaking Troops.” Sellen had pushed hard for their first choice, the AT-ATs, or “All-Terrain Alliance Troops,” because it sounded a bit classier, and Force knows they needed all the class they could get. Her superiors hadn’t allowed it, saying that the Rebel Alliance hadn’t existed for years and using the term would be confusing and misleading. In turn, she’d argued that the NR from “New Republic” was a nightmare for creating good acronyms so they should be allowed to use acronym-friendly vowels from their founding organization. Somehow she had lost that argument.

    Despite the second-choice name, she was proud of this team. There truly was no terrain that could stop them. Something was high up in the treetops or on a cliff? Grawurra could climb up to it. A conduit’s access door was underwater? Telnak had it covered. Relpoek’s wings were quite useful in many situations where they needed to cross ravines or get to something out of reach. And Sellen, well, as a human she didn’t have her teammates’ talents for not being landlocked, but with the right clothing and codes she could easily blend in at any First Order facility.

    Being an AT-ST required an odd mixture of total independence and complete trust. The nature of their group meant they had to split up a lot and rely on the fact that they all could perform their individual tasks alone and not die. So far, they’d managed it. They were always being called on by their commanders to be the pathfinders or infiltrators on worlds in the Outer Rim or even the Unknown Regions where intel was scarce and no one knew exactly what to expect. They were damn good at their jobs, too. Get in, gather intel, and get out, usually at a predetermined pickup time and place, and always while incommunicado from start to finish.

    Yes, so far they’d managed to not die. Well, most of them. Previous teammates had become casualties along the way, and Sellen really didn’t want Telnak to be added to that list.

    “How you holding up?” she asked Telnak, raising her voice to prevent her words from being whipped away by the wind.

    Telnak tore her bright blue eyes away from the overcast sky and met Sellen’s gaze. “I’m just wonderful,” the Quarren bit out.

    There was a grunting sigh from Relpoek. “I already told you I was sorry for forgetting the location of Quarrens’ lungs,” he said through a mouthful of the energy bar. “I thought I was helping you breathe by doing compressions there. It’s not my fault your second stomach or whatever that organ was is in the spot where most rational beings keep their lungs.”

    “How can you forget something that basic?” Telnak demanded.

    Relpoek tried to roll his large eyes but quickly blinked hard as sand lodged in them. “Believe it or not, remembering so many medical details for more than four different species is not simple.”

    Telnak glared at Sellen. “I told you before, Sell, we need a medical droid with us instead of him. One whose brain isn’t taxed by so many insignificant details.”

    “When you can draw, from memory, the complete schematics of four different types of starships, then come talk to me,” Relpoek said dismissively. “Until then, keep me on your good side if you want your wound dressing changed out on the ship. Probably lots of sand in there by now.”

    “Only if you were too incompetent to wrap it properly in the first place to keep it clean,” Telnak growled. But then she fell silent. One of her favorite hobbies was grousing at Relpoek, who didn’t actually forget things like the locations of major organs in his patients, and it concerned Sellen that Telnak stopped so soon. Her blaster wound must be worse than she and Relpoek were letting on. Either that or the blasted headaches that had plagued all of them except Relpoek since landing on this rock were getting to her again.

    Sellen looked at Grawurra. “Have you heard anyone coming behind us yet?” she asked.

    Grawurra shook his head, but rumbled an invective at the rushing air around them making it next to impossible to hear anything downwind. He pointed out if the First Order troops had figured out how to program their sensors to compensate for the oddly electric atmosphere, they could easily detect the four of them and catch up well before the New Republic shuttle arrived.

    “Yeah, I know. Just keep an ear out as best you can, okay?” Sellen asked. There was a queasy feeling starting to form in her stomach. She checked her chrono again: ten minutes. Ten minutes until they’d be off this rock and safe.

    Sellen turned back around to keep leading them into the strengthening wind storm toward their rendezvous point. She briefly brushed one arm against the belt pouch holding several datacards, mostly to reassure herself that they were still there. They were the reason the team was on Thule. They were the reason Telnak was bleeding from a First Order stormtrooper’s blaster wound. They were the reason the First Order was trying to find the team. They had to get these datacards to New Republic Intelligence. Maybe even to General Organa. Sellen’s superiors wouldn’t like that, but something told Sellen that General Organa might make better use of this odd information than New Republic Intelligence would.

    A couple weeks ago, Sellen’s superiors had caught some whispers of First Order activity on this world. No New Republic records of the planet existed even though Grawurra swore he’d heard the name somewhere before, so the AT-STs had been called in and dropped off with the instructions to “find out whatever they could.” While there on Thule, the AT-STs stumbled on a First Order base that seemed to be getting food from surrounding farms and sending it to what sounded like a very large military base elsewhere; so large that it sounded untrue, with hints of a weapon that sounded utterly terrifying, and Sellen didn’t terrify easily.

    Not only that, but the AT-STs had also encountered what seemed to be ancient Force-related... “stuff” that Sellen couldn’t make heads or tails of. She only knew that the old ruined facilities were located fairly close to the First Order base, and physical proximity to the ruins aggravated the dull, pounding headaches everyone but Relpoek were experiencing. Things there felt... wrong. Like an oil slick on her soul or cold fingers on the back of her neck. She had no idea what it meant, if there was a connection to the First Order base, or anything like that. She just felt this was important, and the New Republic needed to know about it. The Resistance probably did too, despite the fact that it would make her superiors grumpy. Well, too bad for them. They weren’t the ones being chased on this wretched planet.

    At five minutes before rendezvous, they finally reached the pickup coordinates. A medium-sized spire dotted with pale green moss rose above them. Sellen uneasily watched the forks of lightning above and edged a little farther away from the spire.

    Telnak wavered on her feet for a moment when they stopped, then she sat down in a barely-controlled collapse. Sellen started toward her in concern, but Relpoek was already at her side to tend to her wound. Blood had soaked heavily through the bandages, and the look on Relpoek’s face did not ease Sellen’s concerns. The queasy anxiety inside of her grew.

    Sellen and Grawurra turned their eyes skyward to watch for the shuttle. Though being dispatched from all the way on Hosnian Prime, its punctuality was never a concern.

    ...Until now.

    Sellen watched her chrono as the time to rendezvous dwindled and ran out. The post-rendezvous time began to steadily increase.

    Sellen checked Grawurra’s chrono, but it matched her own.

    She told herself not to panic. She told herself they were just late, that they’d had a minor issue en route or something and would be there at any moment.

    But they weren’t.

    The post-rendezvous time kept growing.

    The pickup had never been this late before. The pickup pilots knew how important it was to be on time: more than once they’d had to pull the AT-STs out of a firefight or a tight spot where seconds had meant life or death.

    Sellen caught Grawurra’s eye, and she could tell his thoughts matched her own: something was wrong.

    “Sell, where are they? We need them,” Relpoek said in a calm yet tight voice. Sellen knew what that tone meant, and her breathing quickened as she glanced at Telnak’s pallid skin. The Quarren was lying down, and her own breaths looked shallow and rapid.

    Sellen pulled out her comlink but hesitated. She caught Grawurra’s eye again. Just because she was considered on flimsi to be their “leader” didn’t mean she undertook drastic actions unilaterally.

    Grawurra gave a small nod, then without a word he jumped onto the spire and started to climb. Sellen held her breath as she watched him, recalling the numerous spires they’d seen get struck by lightning so far. His black fur made him nearly invisible against the grey sky, so it was hard to see him when he reached the top and pulled out his macrobinoculars with one hand and gripped his sniper rifle in the other. He scanned the bleak landscape behind them. His silence told Sellen that he hadn’t spotted any First Order troops yet.

    But that could change the moment she opened the comlink if they detected and traced the signal.

    Sellen gave the clouds one more pleading, searching look, praying for a New Republic shuttle to come plunging down through them with apologies and a funny story about being waylaid. When the sky still was filled only with blue and red bolts of lightning, Sellen fought down the queasiness in her stomach and opened a secure comm channel.

    “AT-STs to Aurek One, come in.”

    She waited.

    “AT-STs to Aurek One, come in. Over.”

    Only static responded.

    “Sell.” Relpoek’s voice was urgent now, which Sellen hadn’t heard since their previous teammate had died. The Toydarian’s hands flew into a frenzy of activity that rivaled his wingbeats as he fought to keep Telnak alive with his limited equipment.

    Sellen dropped to her knees at Telnak’s side, though she had no idea what she could do to help. She gripped the comlink harder as if she could squeeze a message out and force it to get through to their overdue pickup shuttle. She opened the channel again. “AT-STs to Aurek One, respond! Emergency!”

    From his lookout post high up on the spire, Grawurra trilled down a warning. Five First Order speeders were heading right for them. Fast. He stowed the macrobinoculars and raised his sniper rifle to sight down its scope.

    Sellen’s stomach dropped. In other tight spots, they’d known that all they needed to do was hold out for X amount of time more, and their rescue would be there for them. But that wasn’t happening now. She had to face the fact that their rescue might not be coming. And that meant they probably wouldn’t get out of this one. Not all of them, anyway.

    The thin datacards felt like a horrible weight in her belt pouch. If the four of them were the only ones who knew anything about this First Order weapon, she couldn’t imagine the damage that would be done if the knowledge died with them. It had to get to someone else. It had to.

    Sellen quickly glanced around. The single spire was the only cover for kilometers in any direction. They would be easy pickings for the First Order troops.

    She looked down at Telnak. The pilot was barely breathing now, and Sellen could tell Relpoek was fighting a losing battle. Even if the medic could somehow miraculously stabilize her, she wouldn’t survive the upcoming fight with the First Order troops.

    More than anything else in the galaxy, Sellen wanted to not make this decision, but she had to. She briefly squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them, pulled the datacards from her belt pouch, and stuffed them inside one of Relpoek’s belt pouches.

    “We’ll hold them off,” she told him tightly. “I don’t think they saw you back by the base, but they saw me and Grawurra. These datacards need to get to the New Republic or lots of people could die. Do what you can to get off-world with them or transmit them, even to the Resistance.”

    “What are you talking about? I can’t leave Telnak now,” Relpoek muttered distractedly, still trying to save her.

    “She won’t survive the next few minutes,” Sellen said, her voice hitching. “You heard what Grawurra said is coming. You’re the only one who’s got a chance.”

    “Too bad. Find someone else,” Relpoek grumbled. He continued to work.

    Grawurra’s first blast from the sniper rifle cut through the air. There was a distant screech, and then Grawurra fired again. Engines revved and sped toward them. They were out of time.

    Sellen gave one last look at the still-shuttle-less sky, then said, “Sorry, Rel.” She stood, gripped Relpoek by the back of the collar and pulled him away from Telnak, sealing the Quarren’s fate. Relpoek struggled in surprise. Then Sellen adjusted her grip, reared back, and threw the light Toydarian as high into the air as she could. He gave a startled yelp that was quickly ripped away. The wind caught him and blew him upwards even farther as his wings fought for some amount of control, then he was lost into the overcast gloom above. Not even a flash of blue lightning showed his silhouette.

    Grawurra was continuing to fire his rifle, and the First Order troops were now in range and were shooting back at his stationary position. Sellen pulled her own blaster from its holster, crouched in front of Telnak, and started firing for all she was worth. She was much better with hand-to-hand fighting than shooting, but with as outnumbered as they were, if it got to the point of hand-to-hand then they’d already lost.

    Despite Sellen’s and Grawurra’s best efforts, they were quickly overrun. The last thing she remembered was praying that somehow, some way, all of this hadn’t been for nothing.

    The End
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2021
    ZV-83, Anedon, Kahara and 3 others like this.
  2. Kit'

    Kit' Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Oct 30, 1999
    That was amazing! Definitely put it up for voting. I loved it.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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  3. Mechalich

    Mechalich Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 2, 2010
    The build-up here is very strong, and Sellen's increasing desperation comes across quite clearly. I do feel that the ending is slightly anti-climatic in light of that. Personally I'd cut the final two paragraphs and replace them with a single concluding sentence after she sends Relpoek off.

    On a more general note, your sentences slip into passive voice on numerous occasions throughout this story. This is detrimental to a short piece that requires intimacy as this story does. For example: 'and he was needing to hold on to' would be better as 'and he needed to hold on to.' This is a common issue (I do it all the time myself), but one that shouldn't be too hard to edit around.
  4. Findswoman

    Findswoman The Tol Fanfic Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Moderator

    Feb 27, 2014
    Wow, you really hit it out of the park with the "desperation" prompt—as I knew you would, from the moment you picked it! Wonderful suspense and buildup here, with a compelling and colorful ensemble cast, and what an amazingly tense and difficult scenario you managed to create, where the medic of the group—as a member of a winged species—has to be torn away from his work of saving a teammate's life because he's the only one with a chance of delivering the datacards to where then need to go. And maybe save many other lives in doing so? Or maybe not? In wartime one just doesn't know, but one has to take the chances anyway, especially in as desperate a situation as the AT-STs find themselves in. There's kind of a Rogue One vibe to this story, with "all giving some" and "most giving all" in order to open even some small possibility of completing the mission—bu there's that really interesting uncertainty, too, because while we know the Rogue One mission is ultimately successful, we don't know if Relpoek made it. (As an optimistic sort, I like to think he did, though!) Another Thumper triumph—thanks so much for sharing this with the challenge. Always wonderful to have you on board! =D=
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  5. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Thanks very much for the compliment and for reading!

    Hey, good to see you again! :)

    I agree, and in all honesty, this story probably needs a better ending overall. I was rushing to finish it, the plot and characters were not doing anything I expected them to do at the start, and to top it all off, I had another recent story that ended on an indeterminate cliffhanger and I wanted to avoid doing that again so soon. Add all that together and, well, there you have it. :p If I ever rewrite this, the ending will definitely be on the rework list.

    I also agree with what you said about the passive voice. Passive voice is my bane, especially when I'm writing fast. Thanks for bringing it to my attention-- I'll put that on the rework and "avoid in future" lists too.

    Thanks for reading and for your comments! I appreciate it!

    Thank you very much! The characters were fun to develop and write about, even if they annoyed me by hijacking the story and causing problems I hadn't planned on (an injury, information delivery, etc. etc.). :p There's so much about the First Order that the New Republic doesn't seem to know about, that I imagine any intel the NR can get on them would be valuable and could potentially save lives. Relpoek appreciates your optimism regarding his survival. :) Thanks so much for your comments and for reading! :D
  6. Kahara

    Kahara WIP Month Champion star 4 VIP - Game Winner

    Mar 3, 2001
    The creepy, atmospheric landscape you've created for Thule is so perfect for this story. (From what I can tell, there's some basis in Legends, but it looks like this is waaaay expanded.) I like how the planet itself has a barely restrained hostility that the characters can pick up on, even if they don't literally sense it Jedi style. Lightning all around, spooky moss, high winds... this place has it all. From a certain point of view. [face_skull]

    Loved these details of how the team works together against the environment. They're obviously used to combining each other's strengths to adapt to almost anything. The cards are just really, really stacked against them this time. :eek:

    Another little detail that I liked very much! :)

    [face_laugh] Well, hey, they tried! And All-Terrain Sneaking Troops is adorable -- though maybe that's not what Inga wanted to go for in naming a special forces type of team. :p

    So cool! =D= It's too bad that we won't be seeing their future adventures, probably. They sound like such a fascinating team, and really clever in how they make use of each member's strengths to shore up the others. Each one of the team brings something unique not just in their species but their skillset that makes use of their inborn abilities.

    The quarreling between Telnak and Relpoek is a small moment of almost normalcy (as Inga's thoughts show us), but turned a little too tense by the severity of their circumstances. She knows she should really worry when they stop arguing... [face_worried]

    Yeah, I think she has the right idea about that! :) Not just giving the info to someone who might choose to deny it out of ignorance or political expediency.

    Yuck! :eek: That definitely sounds like bad news. I like how there's not just the big cinematic sense of wrongness (weird unnatural red-and-blue lightshows and all) but the more subtle feeling that something about this world is inimical to the team's survival.

    In the end, Sellen has to make the hardest possible choice and bet on Relpoek's just-barely-possible escape over the clear inability of the whole team to make it out in one piece. :( It's a horrible note to go out on, and she and the others can't know for sure if the sacrifice will be worth it. But that's the reality that a lot of the Rebels and Resistance have to work with throughout much of canon; it's impossible to tell what might turn the tide.

    I'd like to think he did survive, since the Resistance had to find out about that vaguely mentioned superweapon somehow. But who really knows? [face_thinking]
    Findswoman likes this.
  7. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Thank you! Unfortunately I can't take credit for the environment on Thule-- the details were all taken directly from a Star Wars RPG supplement. The only thing I did was plop a First Order facility on the surface, heh.

    LOL! I would love to see the team's reaction to hearing their team name referred to as adorable. [face_laugh] :D

    Thanks! This was a fun group and concept to write about. If a good story idea comes up, I'd like to write about them again (on an earlier mission, anyway. Though a Force ghost commando team-- full or partial-- would be loads of fun to write. Nothing in the physical environment could stop them then).

    I agree. I haven't read a lot of the new EU in the ST-era, but what I have read made it sound like the NR didn't take the FO very seriously. If that's the case, there's a lot of fanfic ideas that could be mined from that notion, IMHO. Plus the friction from the NR toward the Resistance. Especially knowing as we do how things pan out in the ST overall. I like sentence fragments. :p

    I agree, and I think that's part of the reason I'm drawn to underdog-type characters. I think it's fascinating to explore what makes people tick and how they might react in situations where the odds are really stacked against them and they don't know if or how their actions will affect things in the future. I have no idea if any of my notions are accurate, but I like exploring it regardless.

    Relpoek appreciates your optimism as well. :)

    Thanks so much for reading and for all of your comments! Muchly appreciated!
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  8. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Nov 30, 2005
    This is another amazing work by you, my friend, and I am embarrassed to admit that I thought I had already commented on it.

    First off, the setting is vivid and matches the agitated, frantic emotional state of our band of warriors. Your descriptions are top-notch.

    Then the group themselves: I love how each species brings it's own unique asset to the group. And they have their own personalities, too.
    The leader, Sellen, is efficient and a good commander, and she cares about her teammates. You can tell they respect her, too.

    The story is at its best when we see the irony that the characters can't see. They are frantically trying to save Telnak's life while wondering why the rescue ship isn't coming - it's uncharacteristically late. All the while they are painfully aware that they are in a very open and dangerous situation. Only when I read this:
    Did I get the whole picture. [face_hypnotized]:_|

    The rescue ship will never come. The ship's crew, along with everyone else on Hosnian Prime, is dead. Sellen's team are an unexpected victim of the massacre of Hosnian Prime; collateral damage of an assault light years away from them.

    And Sellen is a leader right up to the end: she knows she and the others are doomed and will be dying imminently. However, the Toydarian medic can be saved, and it's up to him to carry the data cards the others will be soon dying for.

    This does have some strong Rogue One vibes to it, which is a high compliment since I loved that movie! Great work here, as always with your stories.
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2020
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  9. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Thank you very much for reading and for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    Thanks! There are so many different species in SW with so many different abilities. It would be neat to see those utilized more: telepathic/empathic species as Intel agents; small species in small ships sneaking in and out of places where humanoids are too large to fit (and therefore someone getting in might not be expected); species with different hearing ranges as comm experts; Clawdites, for anything (how are galactic politics or Intel organizations not overrun with shapeshifters?); things like that.

    I'm happy to hear that you picked up on that. :D This was what sparked the entire story idea, and although things ended up going a little weird and sideways from what I planned, it remained a driving factor for the plot. I wasn't sure if I made it too subtle in the story-- I have trouble finding that balance.

    Thank you! It's neat that you and Findswoman both got the RO vibe. :) There wasn't a conscious attempt to do it, but I know exactly what you're talking about because I got it too (then promptly wondered if I needed to rewrite it because of that, but I was coming up on the challenge deadline so I didn't :p). To make matters stranger, there's an offline story I'm working on that I've had to redo several times because it kept coming back to "Rebels need to steal Imperial datacards!" So apparently, my mind associates "Star Wars" with "good guys risking their lives to steal important information," LOL. :p I love RO, by the way. :cool: I'm also convinced that the Empire would never have been defeated without Bodhi being brave enough to defect, but that's probably a different topic for a different day, LOL.

    Again, thank you so much for reading and commenting!
  10. Anedon

    Anedon Jedi Grand Master star 4

    May 11, 2016
    Wow that´s a dark story, but I really like it. Wish SW in general give us more of a common soldiers perspective instead of always focus on the Skysolo family and their extended cyrcle of friends. Here we "just" have four soldiers of the New Republic caught in a desperate situation, but that kinda kinda helps giving it stakes as it aren´t our near invicble heroes who can´t fight themselves out of nearly any situation but just four normal soldiers. You did a great job at fleshing out these four giving each off them a unqiue personality in the brief timeframe we´ve seen them, which helps to make their ultimatley probably utterly senseless death´s even more tragic. And now Relpoek(really like seeing a Toydarian, especially as a medic) is alone, lost on a forsaken world that is controled by his enemies with information that now might come far too late even if he does manages to reach the Resistance.

    Great story! :)
    Kahara likes this.
  11. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Thanks very much! I'm glad you liked it. I agree, I love seeing SW from the perspective of the more "everyday" people that inhabit the GFFA, and I wish we got a bit more of that, although some of the new books like "From a Certain Point of View" do well in that regard. The Wraiths and Rogues were my favorite novel series in Legends partly because of that. I also agree that more Toydarians would be fun to see in stories (preferably stories that aren't marred by their mortal danger).

    Thanks again for reading and commenting! :)
  12. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Aug 14, 2002
    A good, very descriptive story.

    Good visuals describing the visuals and the environment that your team were dealing with, with such beauties as "blowing the fine-grit sand like pinprick torpedoes" adding quality to your prose.

    A lot of elements that made me feel like you are a kindred spirit to myself, such as the affinity for acronyms for your team, AT-ST and AT-AT.

    Great job.
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  13. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Thanks very much! Heh, acronyms are prevalent in my day job. :) I would love to use them more in stories, especially for characters that probably would use them often, but I've found it's difficult to make them flow naturally when a reader wouldn't know what each refers to. Maybe someday.

    I appreciate the comments on the descriptions. I got a lot of help on that from the RPG sourcebook I was using for this planet.

    Thanks again for reading and commenting!
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  14. earlybird-obi-wan

    earlybird-obi-wan WIP Month Champion star 6 VIP - Game Winner

    Aug 21, 2006
    Desperation indeed. Nice team in a compelling story.
  15. Thumper09

    Thumper09 Force Ghost star 4

    Dec 9, 2001
    Thank you! I'm glad the emotion came through well, and that the story felt compelling. Thanks for reading and commenting!