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ESB Humorous Version (spoilers)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Purp, Apr 20, 2000.

  1. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999 Humorous Version (compilation)

    Forum16/HTML/000146.htmlANH Humorous Version


    It is a dark time for the Rebellion.
    No, their lights are still working,
    I was just talking metaphorically.
    Although the Deadly Star has been
    destroyed, the Empire hasn't
    surrendered. In fact, that just seemed
    to piss it off even more. Go figure.

    Imperial troops have driven the
    Rebels from their not-so-hidden-
    anymore base in the Yavin system. A
    group of freedom fighters led by Marcus
    Streetwalker-- that is, a group of
    freedom fighters, including the heroic-
    no, that's not it. A group of freedom
    fighters, along with a whiny little
    git named Marcus Streetwalker, has
    established a new secret base on the
    remote world of Hot.

    The semi-evil lord Darth Vacuous,
    obsessed with finding young Streetwalker,
    has dispatched thousands of probes to
    the far reaches of space. When he ran
    out of those, he had to resort to
    cheaper methods . . .


    An Imperious cruiser glides through space, releasing several pods. One of these pods heads towards the planet Hot.


    A low groaning sound rises above the whining of the wind. A battered stomptrooper climbs out of the crater and looks around.

    STOMP: Man, this job sucks. They never mentioned this in the recruitment pamphlet.

    He turns back to the pit and whistles. A team of dogs, pulling a sled behind them, comes out. Sighing, the stomptrooper gets on.


    A small figure gallops across the windswept ice slope. The bundled rider is mounted on a two-legged snow lizard, a bonbon. The rider gallops up a slode and reins his lizard to a stop. He pulls off his goggles, revealing Marcus Streetwalker.

    Marcus squints at the dark smoke rising from the crater. He brushes snow off his commlink and activates it.

    MARCUS: Echo Three to Echo Seven. Hands, old buddy, do you read me?

    HANDS: (over commlink) Don't give me that 'old buddy' crap. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be out here freezing my butt off.

    MARCUS: Look, I said I was sorry. I didn't think RIKKAN was gonna stick us with patrol duty.

    HANDS: You should have kept your big mouth shut.

    MARCUS: It was a joke! How was I supposed to know his mother really was a Hutt?

    HANDS: That's it, you can finish patrol yourself. I'm heading back to base. If you want me, I'll be in the hot tub.

    MARCUS: I'll see you shortly, there's a meteorite that hit the ground near- wait a minute, the base has a hot tub?

    There is no answer. Marcus' bonbon rears suddenly, nearly throwing him off.

    MARCUS: What is it, girl? You smell something?

    Something brushes against his leg, startling Marcus. He looks down to see a white-furred creature, a wumpah ice creature. It looks at him with puppy-dog eyes and nuzzles his leg.

    MARCUS: Well, hey, you're a cutie.

    He scratches the wumpah behind the ears, making it purr. Marcus' bonbon rears again, obviously terrified.

    MARCUS: What's wrong with you? It's perfectly harmless.

    Marcus freezes as he hears a low growl behind him. Turning, he sees a very angry eleven-foot-tall ice wumpah standing in front of her cub.

    MARCUS: Uh... nice wumpah?


    Marcus falls to the ground, unconscious. The bonbon's terrified screams are cut short by the horrible sound of a neck being broken. The wumpah grabs one of Marcus' ankles and begins dragging him across the plain. Her cub follows, playfully batting at Marcus' shoelaces.

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 04-20-2000).]
  2. Geoff Morton

    Geoff Morton Jedi Youngling star 2

    Nov 18, 1998
    Heh heh... that's funny.
  3. Kenobi Maul

    Kenobi Maul Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 23, 1999
  4. Darth Predator

    Darth Predator Jedi Master star 4

    Nov 23, 1999

  5. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999

    Hands rides up to the entrance on his bonbon. It is a giant ice cave with massive steel doors flanking it.


    Rebel troops rush about unloading supplies and otherwise securing their new base. There is water dripping everywhere, due to the melting ceiling.

    Hands dismounts his bonbon and walks towards the Millenium Fountain, which is parked among several fighters. His Cookie copilot, Chunky, is working on the ship.

    HANDS: Chunky! Hey, Chunky!

    Chunky stops his work and growls at Hands.

    HANDS: What's your problem? Look, I got frostbite in places I'd rather not talk about. You just get that ship ready. We're leaving.

    Chunky laughs and growls a comment under his breath.

    HANDS: I mean it this time! You'll see, we'll be out of here by morning.

    Chunky shakes his head as Hands walks off.


    A makeshift command center has been set up in a blasted area of thick ice. Controllers, troopers, and droids are holding umbrellas over the equipment, trying to keep them dry. GENERAL RIKKAN looks up from a console at Hands' approach and frowns.

    RIKKAN: What do you want?

    HANDS: No sign of life, general. Sensors are in place, you'll know if anything comes around.

    RIKKAN: (growling) What about Streetwalker?

    HANDS: He's still out, sir.

    RIKKAN: (mumbling) Good. Little punk.

    HANDS: General, I got to leave. I can't stay anymore.

    RIKKAN throws a curious glance at Lee, who is standing near a console. She is looking sharply at Hands. Hands is shuffling his feet and trying not to look in her direction.

    RIKKAN: Are you... really sure you want to try that?

    HANDS: Yeah, there's a price on my head, and-

    RIKKAN: There's a price on your head?

    HANDS: Yeah.

    RIKKAN: Really? How much?

    Hands looks up suspiciously at RIKKAN.

    HANDS: Why?

    RIKKAN: Uh... no reason. Well, you want to try to leave, be my guest.

    Hands starts to rush out of the command room, but stops at the entrance. Unable to resist, he glances up at Lee. She is glaring daggers at him.

    HANDS: Uh... bye!

    He bolts out of the room.

    LEE: Hands!

    She runs after him.


    Hands is running down the hall as fast as he can.


    Hands stops dead in his tracks. Cringing, he turns around.

    HANDS: Yes?

    LEE: I thought you had decided to stay.

    HANDS: I decided? Don't you mean you decided?

    LEE: I decided? I don't know what you're talking about.

    HANDS: What?! Everytime I try to leave, you threaten to beat the crap out of me!

    LEE: And what makes you think this time is any different?

    Hands ducks behind a crate.

    HANDS: Look, why don't you let me go? I'm not helping here.

    LEE: No, you're a great help to us. You're a natural leader.

    Hands stares at her. Lee begins to shift uncomfortably.

    LEE: You are!

    HANDS: Wait a minute... (he gasps) You've got a crush on me!

    LEE: I do not!

    HANDS: Then why are you following me?

    LEE: Because... because...

    HANDS: I knew it! (he dashes down the corridor, singing) Lee loves me! Lee loves me!

    LEE: Damn!

    She slams her fist into the wall. The wall shudders before a huge mound of snow falls on top of Lee.
  6. DarthDVD!!!!

    DarthDVD!!!! Jedi Youngling star 1

    Feb 16, 2000
    ok its time to rear my ugly head again...
  7. Jeff 42

    Jeff 42 Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 14, 1998
    No! I should have heeded that spoiler warning. Now ESB is being spoiled for me!! rolleyes.gif
  8. Kenobi Maul

    Kenobi Maul Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 23, 1999
    As before:
  9. Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn

    Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 23, 1999
    Hope this'll be a multi-author story too...
    Can I try?

    (The Wumpah sits, growling and eating parts of Streetwalker's Bonbon. Streetwalker hanks from the ceiling. Suddenly, the soundtrack roars to life, and Streetwalker awakens. He realizes that he's in an enclosed area with the apex predator and starts to reach for his brightsaber, which has fallen out of his jeans pocket and is about 2 inches away from his fingers. He tries this for about 30 seconds and realizes that it isn't working. Suddenly, the Wumpah starts walking towards him, and he abruptly falls from the ceiling (Plot device) and grabs his saber. He stabs the advancing Wumpah in the eye, then cuts its arms off.

    WUMPAH (subtitled):You hit me! You hit me right in the eye!

    (For some reason, Streetwalker decides to go outside where the mother of all snowstorms is taking place, rather than finishing the Wumpah off and staying inside where it is semi-warm... Ahh, yes. Idiot. So anyway, he crawls outside and falls over in the snow. He seems to have lost all his energy.
    A glowing figure appears in front of him.)

    GHOST: Marc... Marc...

    MARCUS: Been?

    GHOST: Marc... There's always... a bigger fish...


    OB-EWAN McNOBI: Li-Gon, this is my movie. Go away. Go on, I don't want your stunted slime in my sight again.

    LI-GON: Don't talk like that to your Master, boy...

    (A whacking fight ensues, with Li-Gon disappearing at the end.)

    OB-EWAN: Good riddance. Where was I... Oh yes. (Clears throat) You will go to the *insert funny name for Dagobah here* system... There you will learn from Yoga, the Jedi Master who instructed me.

    MARCUS: I thought Li-Gon was your master...


    OB-EWAN: Uhhh... Credits will do fine.

    MARCUS: Huh?

    OB-EWAN: Credits will do fine.

    MARCUS: What?


    (Ob-Ewan disappears, leaving the unconscious form of Marcus in the snow.)

    I haven't said or written anything funny for a while, I have to get back in the groove.

    Oh, and we need a name for Dagobah.

    There's always a bigger fish.

    [This message has been edited by Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn (edited 04-21-2000).]

    [This message has been edited by Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn (edited 04-21-2000).]
    Obi-Wan Catnobi likes this.
  10. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999

    Artoo Detour is rolling down the corridor with Cee-Stinky-O walking beside him.

    STINKY-O: I can't believe you turned on the thermal heater in the Princess's room. What were you thinking?

    Artoo beeps a response.

    STINKY-O: No, it wasn't funny! We're going to get in trouble! How we're going to dry out all her clothes, I really don't know.

    Artoo beeps a rude response.

    STINKY-O: I don't care what she called you, you didn't have to do that! And if I might add something, I should point out that humans are not flexible enough to do what you're suggesting.


    Hands and Chunky are working on the Fountain as the two droids walk up.

    HANDS: Come on, we need to get this ship back together! Do you want to leave or not?

    Chunky growls.

    STINKY-O: Excuse me, sir.

    HANDS: (to Chunky) Look, we can fix the radio later. Put the engine back in now.

    STINKY-O: Sir?

    HANDS: What do you want?

    STINKY-O: Well, it's Princess Lee. She's been tying to reach you.

    Hands looks around nervously.

    HANDS: She's not here, is she?

    STINKY-O: No, sir. She's wondering about Master Marcus. He hasn't come back yet.

    HANDS: Tell someone who cares.

    STINKY-O: But sir, she was quite insistant that we-

    A piercing shriek fills the cavern, rumbling the walls and filling every man's heart with dread.

    HANDS: What the hell was that?

    Artoo beeps something.

    STINKY-O: Oh, dear. She found the clothes.

    HANDS: What clothes?

    A door at the far end of the hangar bursts open. The Rebels in the area take one look and run away in fear. Lee is standing there quivering, a soaken designer dress clenched in one fist and a pair of Italian shoes in the other.


    Her eyes fall on Hands.

    LEE: You.

    HANDS: No! I was... I was... going to find Marcus! Really!

    Lee slowly begins stalking forward. Hands pales, then runs for the nearest bonbon. He leaps on and spurs it towards the exit.

    LEE: Get back here, you *******! Your bonbon'll freeze before you reach the first marker!

    HANDS: Then I'll see you in hell! At least it's warm there!
  11. Jaya Solo

    Jaya Solo Jedi Knight star 5

    Jul 12, 1999
    <laughs> So funny! Someone should give Lee a brightsaber.
  12. Gonk

    Gonk Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Jul 8, 1998
    <I> Cut to Marcus Streetwalker, face down in the snow</I>

    <b> Marcus: </b> Been...been...

    <I> Stormtrooper rides by on huskies, totally oblivious </I>

    <b> Stromtrooper: </b>! Bloody dog, stop sniffing that poor man, let's be off! Rebels could be anywhere...

    </I> Streetwalker is left in the snow, alone again. Cut to Hands, riding in the snow. He suddenly dismounts, approcahes community of Eskimos and Penguins </I>

    <b> Hands: </b> You seen this man?

    <b> Eskimo: </b> Fish! You buy fish?

    <b> Hands: </b> No, I want to know if you've seen this man. Take a look at the picture...

    <b> Eskimo: </b> Fish! I sell, you buy, okey day?

    <b> Hands: </b> Didn't you hear me? I don't have time for fish! Ooh, is that Ice Cream?

    <I> Several hours later </I>

    <I> Hands appears from an igloo, suffed and walking towards his lizard. He gets on it, only to see its died of exposure. Swearing incessantly, he resumes his search for Marcus, dragging the lizard along behind him. </I>
  13. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999
    Well, Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn, we've actually got a lot of stuff already planned for this thread. (including the scene in the wumpah cave you just did) I know you mean well, but I've had some of these ideas since back when we were still working on TPM, and one of the reasons that kept me working on ANH was the knowledge that eventually I'd reach the scenes I really wanted to do.

    I don't mean to sound rude, but I really would appreciate it if there were no new authors to the thread. It's not a matter of quality, it's just that I feel I've been working up to this for a long time now, and I want to see it through. Had you worked on TPM or ANH, you would be a part of the 'tradition', so to speak, and would have just as much a right to any scene as I would. But since you are a newcomer, I respectfully ask that you not join in.

    I know what I'm asking is a little selfish, and I hope you understand me. Thank you.
  14. Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn

    Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 23, 1999

    (Why didn't I join in the TPM thread?)





    Ah well, such is life.

    [This message has been edited by Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn (edited 04-21-2000).]
  15. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999
    Thank you for understanding. I really feel like a jerk for having to ask that of you, but it means so much to me that I had to ask. Thank you again, and I hope there are no hard feelings.
  16. Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn

    Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 23, 1999
    That's okay, as I had really no other ideas for the story... BUT would you guys object if I tried to make a movie of the TPM Humorous Edition?

    (Also, I'm not exactly a newcomer. I followed the TPM thread religiously and occasionally read the ANH one.
    Also, I don't know if you remember, but a long time ago I tried to start the TESB Humorous Version... But it wasn't nearly as good as the ones written by you guys, and has been lost in the sands of time.)

    Uhh... I can't really think of any way to end this, but if I can't add to the story, will you guys object if I attempt to "film-ify" the stories?
  17. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999
    You mean actually make movies based on the threads? Are you kidding, that'd be great! I kinda wondered what some of this would be like on the big screen, but I have absolutely no experience with film of any sort. (I barely know how to work a camera.)
  18. Miana Kenobi

    Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Apr 5, 2000
    !!! GREAT!

    Gonk, the <> dn't work you need to use []s. Same thing, so if you do [i ] (without the space) you can get this.

    [This message has been edited by Miana Kenobi (edited 04-21-2000).]
  19. Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn

    Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 23, 1999
    No, actually I'm not kidding. I've been wanting to do this for a very long time. I have come to the conclusion that doing a live-action one would be impossible (due to the fact that I cannot hire the actors [Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor] or do all the FX from TPM), but an animated version might be possible. If you go to the TFN Theater, you can see I've already begun asking about programs to use.

    I have to go to bed now. I found a good program that might be usable and if it works, I'll tell you tomorrow. Have a nice day.

    OH! I noticed in the script, some of the authors are mentioned... how would you want to appear? As a jedi with a distortion circle over your face or what?

  20. Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn

    Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 23, 1999
    TFN Theater FORUM, I mean.

    This rocks!
  21. Gonk

    Gonk Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Jul 8, 1998
    Kenobi: Thanks.

    Does this mean you'll be redoing the above scenes? I thought mine were small enough to be included in the main scheme: they only follow the two or three brief cuts of Han looking for Luke in the snow.
  22. JediFinrod

    JediFinrod Jedi Youngling star 3

    Mar 4, 2000
    I really need to stop trying to read these funny stories in my school's computer lab. I'll get "whacked" if I LOL too much in here! (Some people actually do use the lab to do school work! Go figure.)

    Thanks for going straight to ESB! It was too hilarious!
  23. Kenobi Maul

    Kenobi Maul Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 23, 1999
  24. Purp

    Purp Jedi Youngling star 1

    Apr 19, 1999
    Good idea, Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn, but first I have to find a picture of me that I actually like.

    Yes, I am going to redo the scenes, Gonk, but I can definitely add in some of the stuff you two used if you want me to. (the stomptrooper riding by and the scene with Li-Gon and Been fighting were both great) It's just that there's so much planned I'm a little hesitant to let new people jump in. (Again, sorry. I know this isn't exactly fair; it's just that I've been looking forward to this for soooo long.)
  25. Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn

    Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 23, 1999
    If you have nothing else planned for that scene, please keep mine!

    Also, if you are still doing these when Episode 2 comes out, can I join in then?

    How would the other authors (Darth Vacuous, Speak, Study3600) want to appear? Are they even still here?

    I still have to get that program...